Fullmetal Alchemist Fan Fiction ❯ Milk ❯ Milk ( One-Shot )

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

Edward hates his milk. But Roy is very detirmined to make him drink at least one glass. And when he can't do it alone, the Furher enlists the help of the entire military....

RoyEd. Oneshot. Possible sequel to "Gossip". Please note this fic contains a male-male pairing of Roy and Ed. I do not own FMA, that's Arakawa-sensei. There several perverted jokes, some swearing, and some kissing. If you don't like, don't read! Thank you.

Anime/Manga: Fullmetal Alchemist Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Romance / Comedy | Type: One Shot | Uploaded On: 09.24.2006 | Updated On: 09.24.2006 | Pages: 6 | Words: 3.6K | Visits: 540 | Status: Completed

Milk

Edward Elric folded his arms and stared defiantly across the desk at Furher Roy Mustang.

“No.”

“No?” Roy asked, raising an eyebrow.

“No,” Ed repeated firmly. “I won't drink it. I hate milk!”

“Oh, is that why you pretend to be no good at giving head? Because you don't like the milk that comes afterward?”

“What?” Ed asked, mortified, his face turning red. He was no good at giving head?!

Roy laughed and ruffled his hair.

“I'm kidding, Ed.” Roy pushed the glass of milk towards him. “Come on. One glass. You need calcium or you'll never get taller!”

“WHO DID YOU SAY WAS SMALL AND TINY LIKE A FLEA!?”

“Ed, no one said that!” Roy laughed again. “Now drink your milk.”

“No!”

“Come on. Alphonse and Winry made me promise. You know I can't argue with them. I've gotta get you to drink this.”

“Not happening,” Ed said, folding his arms stubbornly.

Roy walked around to the other side of the desk and kissed Ed deeply.

“Please?”

But that wouldn't work either.

“No!”

“Hmm.”

Roy let Ed have victory. For now!

“Very well, Ed.”

The minute Ed left to go yell at Alphonse, Roy picked up the phone.

“Maes?”

“Roy! Did you call to talk about Elysia? You won't believe what she did yesterday, counted all the way to two—”

“No, Maes,” Roy sighed. “I'm trying to get Ed to drink milk.”

Silence.

“Roy, why? He hates milk. You know you'll never be able to do it.”

“Why do you think I'm asking for help?”

Next Roy called Hawkeye.

“Hello?” she picked up the phone and smiled. “Yes, Colonel, this is Riza.”

“Sorry to bother you at home,” Roy said, inspecting his fingernails, “but I'm having a little trouble here at work. I can't get Ed to drink his milk.”

“Oh really...no surprise there.”

“I was hoping you'd help me out....”

Roy called Havoc, Breda, Armstrong, Fury, and Farman. All of them were in on his master plan!

“Have a rough day?” Ed asked when Roy walked into the house. Ed always got off earlier than Roy did, since Roy was the Furher after all. “You sure look tired.”

“Eh, maybe,” Roy said. Then he grinned. “Want to help me relax?”

x-x-x

Ed returned to work the next day to find things totally different. Hughes practically jumped him the minute he got in.

“Look! It's Elysia-chan! Drinking a bottle of milk!”

“Gross!” Ed said.

“Look! Here she is riding her tricycle!”

“Um....”

Hughes shoved more pictures in Ed's face, and Ed just couldn't make Hughes leave him alone!

“Hughes!” he said, finally. “Look, these are great but I really should get going.”

“I'll let you go then...if you'll drink some milk!”

“WHAAAT?” Roy had gotten him involved too?! Great. Ed shoved him away and ran as fast as he could.

x-x-x

Ed sighed as he went into the locker room to avoid Hughes. He smiled wearily at Havoc.

“Hey kid, why so glum?” Havoc asked.

“Oh, no reason,” Ed said. “What are you up to?”

“Nothing much,” Havoc said casually. He puffed on his cigarette. Such a chain smoker! “Hey would you mind getting us a couple of drinks? You look as thirsty as I do!” There was a mini ice chest in the locker room that they all kept drinks in.

“Oh, no problem.” Ed opened the chest. “Havoc....” A vein started to twitch in his forehead. “Havoc, they're all milk! Go fuck yourself, I'm not drinking it, and make sure you tell Roy that too!”

Ed fled the locker room.

Soon, after he had stopped running and was catching his breath, Ed ran into Farman, Breda, and Fury. Ed waved wearily, then grew suspicious as they fell into step beside him.

“So, what's up, Ed?” Fury asked. “Anything interesting happen lately?”

“Not really,” Ed said.

“Hey, how about we buy you breakfast?” Farman said. “You look like you could use a pick-me-up!”

“Sure,” Ed agreed, knowing he probably did look bushed. When they got to the mess hall, the trio treated him to the works. Ed was feeling really flattered and grateful. They'd gotten him pancakes, waffles, eggs, toast, cereal, everything!

Ed started with the cereal, pouring about a ton of sugar onto it and eating it dry.

“Thanks a lot for this, guys, you're real pals,” Ed said happily.

“No problem,” Fury said, rubbing the back of his head.

“Who can't buy a fellow coworker breakfast every once in awhile, especially when he looks so beat?” Breda nodded.

“Say Ed,” Farman said, “Wouldn't you like some milk with that cereal?”

“GRAAAHHH!”

x-x-x

Ed left the mess hall in a fit of rage, having been called short several times and nearly killing a few unlucky bystanders. He huffed as he walked down to Roy's office. This would end now!

“Fullmetal!”

Ed groaned and turned. “Hi Major,” he greeted Armstrong. “Um listen, I have to go and—”

“Fullmetal! We must speak! You see, I fear for your safety.”

“...what?”

“Your muscles! They are not big enough!” Little shinies started dancing around him. “They need to be bigger, like mine!” Armstrong struck several different poses. “Come now, you try it!”

He ripped Ed's shirt off and Ed squealed and covered his body like a naked girl. “What the hell are you doing?!” Taking off his clothing was Roy's job!

“Pose!” Armstrong said. “It improves your flexibility! Don't you think the Furher will notice when you show him more strength at night?”

“Um....” Ed blushed. His right arm, which had long since been returned to normal, was a little less strong than his left. Oh, what the hell. He could wait another five minutes to yell at Roy. “All right, fine....”

Ed struck a pose.

“No, no! Not good enough!”

“Rrr....”

Ten more minutes of this humiliation ensued, with Armstrong posing with his little shinies and Ed getting more frustrated.

“Wait! You know Ed...I think I know how to solve your problem!”

“Oh yeah?” Ed said guardedly.

“Why yes!” Armstrong peered at him through all the shinies and then took a bottle out of his pocket. “Just drink this! Instant muscle growth!”

“Really.”

Ed opened the bottle and sniffed it, then peered inside.

“YOU JERK! THIS IS MILK!”

x-x-x

Ed stormed into Roy's office, mad as hell.

“Roy!”

Roy turned in his seat. “Eh? Oh hi, Ed. Change your mind about drinking that milk?” A smirk played on his face.

“Shut up!” Ed said. “No, I have not changed my mind! You got everyone in this damn office to annoy me about it! Everyone but Hawkeye has asked me to drink the damn milk already! WELL I WON'T DO IT!”

Roy smirked.

“Everyone but Hawkeye, eh?” he asked. “We'll fix that. Hey, Hawkeye! Your turn.”

“Huh?” Ed felt a gun pointed at the back of his head. “Aww, shit.” He put his hands up as Hawkeye came around to the other side of him.

“Drink the milk, Edward,” Hawkeye said, flat and serious, wondering if Roy would really let her shoot him. Roy tossed a carton of unopened milk—a small one that was just on serving—to him and he caught it, glaring at it in disgust.

“Do I have to?” he whined.

“There's an alternative,” Hawkeye said, clicking the gun's safety.

“Fine, fine...I get the message.” Ed sighed and opened the carton. He reminded Roy of a little kid taking medicine!

“Roooy,” Ed whined.

“Drink it,” Roy said.

Ed grimaced, then tipped it up and drank it all, every drop. He threw the carton at Roy when he was done, who reduced it to cinders before it hit his face.

“It's so gross!” Ed whined. “Good grief! I need leave! I have to go home and brush my teeth!”

“You have one hour,” Roy said solemnly.

“That's not nearly long enough,” Ed gasped, running out of there.

Roy burst out laughing, then picked up his phone.

“Hey Alphonse,” he said. “Yeah, you owe me some money. I got him to drink it! And here you were betting I never could...yeah...well all I had to do was tell him you made me promise.” Roy chuckled. “So let's see, when is your next payday...?”

Fin.