Fullmetal Alchemist Fan Fiction ❯ Pyro Trouble ❯ Pyro Trouble ( Chapter 1 )

[ A - All Readers ]

Dedicated to: Jackie and Sara.

Yarisha: Points up Yep I did a request for a friend at school. While sitting around we began to joke about problems Roy might have during his day(s).

Yasuo: The three jokes on Roy are the only (safe) ones to be post. This story is extremely short, but it's really made for those who like jokes and not so much Roy.

Yarisha: Short stories and one shots are really hard for me to do to do so you'll have to be nice.

Yasuo: Disclaimer: Yarisha doesn't own Roy Mustang, Riza Hawkeye, Havoc, or Edward Elric. She doesn't own Full Metal Alchemist, which does rightfully belong to Hiromu Arakawa. No flames. ( Anyone find that statement ironic?)

Yarisha: Enjoy.

*_* = Story

*~* = Scene change.

“…” = Speech

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*

Colonel Roy Mustang of Central is a military alchemist well known for his alchemic gloves. Nicknamed the Flame Alchemist, Roy has the ability to ignite a flame by snapping his fingers and has control over how his flames are used. However, he isn't exactly the brightest spark in the fire.

A familiar blonde haired boy stepped into Colonel Mustang's office, taking a seat on the couch before his superior office and full time pain in the butt. This boy was named Edward Elric, the Full Metal Alchemist. “Mustang, what are you doing?” Edward asked as he fixed his white gloves and watched his Colonel. Roy Mustang sat, snapping his fingers repeatedly, trying to light his cigarette. The cigarette between his lips muffled his response to the Full Metal Alchemist. “Come again.” Edward tried again as he grinned widely. Mustang took the cigarette from his mouth and replied again. “It seems my alchemic gloves need new symbols. They won't ignite, and I need to smoke.” Mustang said with a growl, snapping his fingers again. Edward cocked a brow and shook his head before sitting back into the sofa and crossing his arms over his chest. “Mustang, you don't have your gloves on. Moron.” He sighed out as the colonel finally regarded his ungloved hands. Mustang's face twitch in obvious annoyance before he smacked his head and muttered something along the lines of, “I've snapped.” (No pun intended.)

*~*~*~*~*~*

“Oh! Is that the Flame Alchemist?” A brunette girl asked her companion. “That one there? Yep. He's Roy Mustang, the flame alchemist himself!” The blonde winked back with a broad smile. The former let out a pleasant squeal as she whispered, “He's so hot he's on fire!” “Pun definitely intended.” The blonde giggled back. Roy walked down the streets on Central, gaining attention from several women. “Turn you head anymore, Meretta, and it'll be stuck that way.” An annoyed boyfriend yelled at his date. The red head immediately turned her attention back to her boyfriend and with a furious scream, slapped him silly. “I CAN LOOK WHERE I WANT!!” She screamed. Roy sighed in exasperation as he trudged into his office building. “Sir!” His officers and soldiers shouted as they saluted. “Hn.” He answered back with an annoyed looked as he walked into his office, passing by Maes without a second look. “Hey, Roy! Don't you want to stop and look at the cute pictures of my darling Elisia! Isn't she the cutest little thing you ever saw!?” Maes drawled on as he began to flip through various pictures of said daughter and showed them to some unprepared surrounding people. Roy rolled his eyes and saluted to Hawkeye as he passed her. Saluting back, Hawkeye said impassively, “Sir, we have to transport Havoc to… you know.” Roy nodded in positive.

*~*~*~*~*~*

“Sir?” Hawkeye called out as Roy made a sharp turn in the military van. “Yes, Hawkeye?” Roy asked in annoyance as he sped through a red light. “We're almost out of gas, Sir.” She pointed out. Roy let out a growl before taking a sharp turn into a gas station. Hawkeye, against her better half, let out a sharp scream as the car turned sharply and sent her into the door. “Whoa! Careful, Colonel!” Yelled Havoc from the back as he death gripped the seat under him. Roy muttered something in coherent before carefully pulling up to the gas pump and shutting off the car. He moved out of the van and began to fill up the gas tank. Hawkeye silently managed to take the driver's seat as Roy finished putting in the gas. Havoc rolled down the back window and watched Roy finish with the pump and grip it to take it out. “Hey, Mustang, careful, the gas isn't o…” He began before a shout was ripped from Roy. “Well, I tried to warn you, Mustang.” Havoc said matter-of-factly. Roy glared at him from his spot, gasoline dripping from his military uniform. “No matter. I can dry myself up. I'm not the Flame Alchemist for nothing.” Roy muttered as he prepared to snap his fingers and dry him. Havoc's eyes widened and from the from seat Hawkeye began to reply quickly, “Sir, that can cause an…”

Snap.

…

BOOM!!

In the wake of Roy's alchemic disaster, the gas station was a wreck beyond repair. Roy's mental stability was quite similar. Hawkeye and Havoc managed to survive the huge explosion and were relatively healed quickly. Nearly avoiding death himself, Roy now held a distinct appreciation for the warning signs hung up next to the gas pumps, that clearly stated: please refrain from using flammable or flame producing items and/or objects near highly flammable gasoline pumps and/or stations. Your collaboration is appreciated.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

One hundred and thirty-four therapy sessions later, Roy was making good progress, or as much as God would allow him because of the incident. “And then it… it… BLEW UP!” Sobbed Roy as his voice squeaked at the end. His therapists shook her head and tried once more to soothe the raging fool. “It seems for might have to quit alchemy or you could have an idiot chip implanted in your head to burn whenever you're about to do something utterly stupid.” She told him simply. Roy calmed down and thought both ideas threw, his options pointing to the chip as the best decision. “Idiot chip.” He replied steadily and was taken to the surgical procedure room in the Central hospital immediately.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Two months later Roy was as good as new and back to normal, or as normal as an Idiot Chip implanted in an idiot would have it. “Sir, please, could you heat the room?” A passing solider asked him as Roy made his morning rounds. It was late December, and the winter cold wasn't doing anything helpful. It could do no harm in heating up the room. However, his idiot chip burned otherwise. The throbbing in his head subsided as he studied his surroundings and found nothing partially harmful other then Maes's left over doughnuts, which were so fattening they would make the moon look skinny. Taking a minute to think, he placed his hands in front of his face and studied the symbols with care, looking over each alchemic line for flaw. Finally noticed, with an arched brow, both symbols we're marred where they had been rubbed during Roy's nervous streaks. He merely shrugged and snapped his finger, and proceeded to blow up into a million and one pieces of burning human flesh and military uniform. For you see, we never told you that the Idiot chip stopped him from doing the harmfully idiotic things he did. And as Riza Hawkeye, Maes Hughes, (and even) Edward Elric (who had just came in), and his officers watched his remains flame and burn…

The world became a better place for short blonde haired boys who despised being called short.

The End…

A figure pulled together the ingredients for a human transmutation into the large alchemy circle. He muttered something unintelligible as he clapped his metal and flesh hands together and pressed them to the edge of the circle. As a result, the room was engulfed in red alchemic light and energy. A loud scream pierced through the night and was followed by a loud evil laugh.

Or so I lead you all to believe. (Laugh)

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*

Yarisha: What do ya think? Good or bad?

Yasuo: How about horrible, Yari?

Yarisha: That works. I hate doing short stories so much, but there was no way I knew how to bring Roy back and get him to do some weird stuff.

Kenshin: Yusuke and I reedited the last part under the end for kicks when we slept over Yarisha's house (and when she was asleep!). Luckily, she enjoyed it enough to not cut it all off! Thumbs up

Yasuo and Yarisha: It was better then we thought it would be.

Yusuke: Meh. It's not so bad, but from your standards this it your worst.

Yarisha: I know. Sigh.Please review and give constructive criticism. No flames.

Yasuo: Bye everyone one! ^_^