Fullmetal Alchemist Fan Fiction ❯ The Misuse of Alchemy Series ❯ Misue of Alchemy 2 - Misuse of Personal Lubricant Transmutation ( Chapter 2 )

The Misuse of Alchemy series

a Full Metal Alchemist based collection of erotic fanfiction involving the misuse and abuse of alchemy.

Because sex is better with an alchemist!

by Masamune Reforged

Masamuneehs@hotmail.com

Disclaimer: I don't fucking own that show, that manga, or those characters. If I did, you'd bet there'd be more porn of it.

Warnings: Men getting it on with men. Lots of it, and in kinky style too. This one's Roy x Ed, maybe more comedy than smut, maybe just a little bit of exhibitionism.

 

This one's also for ZaKai

 

Misuse of Alchemy 2

Misuse of Personal Lubricant Transmutation

 

Roy followed the short, blond youth down the hallway. It was all he could do to keep his eyes off Edward Elric's enticing behind. Roy loved when Ed dressed in uniform. At least one of them liked it... Ed hated the blue military uniform (partly because it was hastily shrunken down in order to fit him—they didn't make extra small military uniforms in Amestris), but today he had no choice.

 

Today was a conference for all of the top ranking military officials—State Alchemists included—and uniforms were required. It was on a weekend day, which was no fun, but it would be over after a few more boring speeches and meaningless meetings.

 

Ed had gotten a few steps ahead of Roy, as the older man had slowed down in his thoughts. Seeing Ed look back at him as he rounded a corner, Roy sped up his pace. He hastily returned a wave from a friendly, mustachioed old general that he couldn't remember the name of, and made a motion like he was trying to find the bathrooms, or some other place where he could fuck the living daylights out of Ed...

 

Roy rounded the corner and stopped dead in his tracks. The hallway was empty, with no sign of Ed. The raven-haired colonel screwed up his face in annoyed surprise for a moment, then suddenly felt a heavy hand on his shoulder, grabbing him by the uniform and pulling him to the side. Roy gave a small, surprised yelp as he was suddenly pulled into almost complete darkness, a door shutting out almost all of the light.

 

Roy took a blind step forward in the darkness and was surprised when his foot came in contact with something... small, round and... plastic? Still unable to see, Roy took another step forward, only to kick yet another unknown object over. Instinctively, he waved an arm to his right, looking for a light switch. Confusion hit him when his hand quickly came in contact with a solid wall, until he reached out to his other side with the other arm and felt yet another. He idly kicked into the darkness, and the sloshing of a still-full mop bucket met his ears.

 

“Another supply closet?” Roy asked incredulously. “You're such a romantic...”

 

“It doesn't matter.” Ed's voice, soft but very close to him in the darkness, made Roy jump a little. But then there came the feeling of Ed's hands running over the front of his uniform, then finding Roy's shoulders and trying to circle around them. When Roy heard Ed's voice next, it was just a soft whisper that he could almost taste on his lips. “I couldn't wait any longer.”

 

Ed, standing on his tippy-toes no doubt, leaned forward and smashed his mouth against Roy's in a hungry kiss. The blond kissed like he ate; savagely and greedily. It was just the kind of foreplay that pleased Roy most, because they were both usually finished with the appetizers of tongue and lips after only a few minutes. Roy was a 'meat and potatoes' kind of guy.

 

This kiss was even shorter, causing Roy to hiss in a rare show of frustration. Ed quickly appeased his superior's mood, cupping a gloved hand against the full bulge in Roy's pants and giving a rough squeeze. “I want you to fuck me,” Ed murmured lustily.

 

That was what Roy liked best about Ed, that open, honest, adventurous—

 

“Wait a second,” Roy whispered over the sound of his belt buckle being undone. “We can't do that here. There's no time, and it's not—” His concerns about being found balls deep in his young, male junior were swallowed as Ed freed his sex from the pants and took him immediately into his mouth.

 

“You're such a nasty boy,” Roy spat dirty words of encouragement, gripping Ed by his thick, blond hair instinctively, relishing in the exquisite heat as Ed sucked fervently with thick, wet sucking noises. “Ugh, you're so-” Roy couldn't think of anything else as Ed leaned forward and deftly took the entire length of the man's sex full down his throat. Vocal banter was a common part of the two outspoken men's relationship, but not when Ed was deep throating Roy like this.

 

Roy shut his eyes against the supply closet black and simply enjoyed it all. To think there was a time where he had needed to wait until work was over to do stuff like this... How had he ever survived like that? He was about to fully lose himself. But at that moment, Ed stopped, and Roy looked down into the teen's faintly visible blond eyes.

 

“I want you to fuck me,” Ed demanded.

 

Part of Roy's brain knew this was a bad idea. They'd have to be back for more meetings in under twenty minutes, and they were already running a huge risk with just this. If anyone saw the two State Alchemists coming out of the same, tiny supply closet... Or worse, if they got too noisy (always a very real possibility with Ed's loud mouth and how hard Roy liked to fuck), they could be overheard and...

 

But Roy was caught up in the moment, and only said, “You're such a hot, dirty, little—OUCH!”

 

“Who're you callin' 'a tiny little cumdump who sucks your miserable old man dick for-”

 

“I didn't say that much!” Roy hissed, clapping a hand over Ed's mouth. He was thankful when Ed's furiously tight grip on his shaft slackened, but was still a little angry. “Really, you've got to learn how to control yourself in situations like this...” Roy said. But the dark-haired man could only think of one way to 'train' Ed in holding his tongue in situations like this...

 

But after a few unsuccessful, dry attempts, Roy was about to give up on his idea. Ed was down on his hands and knees, face almost in the mop buckets (“It stinks like chlorine, damnit!”) and Roy was trying for the twentieth time to get his considerable size in Ed's... physically limited... backend...

 

“Fuck this...”

 

“Yeah, that's what we're going for, isn't it?”

 

“Ugh... damnit!”

 

Having a partner with an ass as tight as Ed's was something Roy never thought he'd be cursing. But they had to be back in only a few more minutes, and he hadn't been able to get even the tip to go in to Ed's only slightly sweat-slick butt. Roy had a feeling he could do it if he really disregarded Ed and just pushed for all he was worth, but he didn't want to hurt the smaller youth... even if he had a hunch that Ed would enjoy that kind of rough treatment under other circumstances... Either way, a blood-curdling scream from a brutal thrust was not something Roy wanted to hear... at least not here and now...

 

Fumbling in the dark, Roy lined up his cock with where he thought Ed should be and pushed. There was a blissfully tight pinch, a soft cry from Ed, and Roy steadied his feet as he began to slowly push forward with his hips. And then...

 

“To hell with this!” Roy cursed under his breath as, once again, his sex slid along the outside of Ed's ass, denying him once again. He backed up, foot banging into cleaning supplies, and began to zip up his pants in frustration. “This is impossible without lube. There's no way it'll go into such a small hole without-”

 

“Hey!” Ed yelled out, abruptly turning around in the darkness. “That's it!” Roy was afraid he'd earned another outburst about his height, but Ed hadn't seemed to have heard that part at all. There was a nerve-wracking jolt of noise in the small closet, and Roy wondered why the blond alchemist was suddenly... rummaging through the bottles and cans of cleaning supplies...?

 

“What are you doing?” Roy asked, the wonder plain in his voice. He winced at the clang of a metal can falling over onto the closet floor.

 

“Lube!” Ed said, as if the one word would explain it all. “Usually we use that lube stuff you buy at that little sex store, right?”

 

“Right...” Roy wasn't following. “But I don't exactly bring that stuff with me to State Assemblies...”

 

“It's water based and has some kind of cellulose compound to it, so...” Ed wasn't listening anymore. “Hydrogen, Carbon, Oxygen... The composition is easy, but the ratio...”

 

Something in Roy's brain clicked, and he said, almost to himself, “Don't tell me...”

 

“What else is in it?” Ed turned around, eyes flashing in the darkness with that determination that Roy had come to fear seeing almost as much as he was turned on by it. “Cellulose, water, what else? A sugar alcohol? A diol alcohol? What else is in that lube you buy?”

 

Roy was about to say something else, something maybe about how there could only be a few minutes left before the meetings would start again, or about them just waiting for later that night... or about how talking about the composition of personal lubricants was seriously killing his erection...

 

But he looked at Ed's eyes and just said, “Glycerin.”

 

“Glycerin! Right! Of course!” Ed went back to mumbling to himself about various elements, often stopping to curse about how chemistry was such a pain in the ass compared to biology. Then, “Alright! That'll work... I think...”

 

The sound of more cans rattling, and the fact that he was completely soft now, made Roy sober enough to say, “Ed... Really... This is...”

 

“Shit. I can't see anything in here,” Ed was deaf to him, making quite a racket with the buckets and containers. “What's this? Bleach? No, that's no good... Ah, perfect. No... wait... what does it say? Extra germ killing solution? What does that—hey, you!”

 

Roy had those glistening gold eyes on him again.

 

“I can't see anything. Be useful and give me a light!”

 

Roy sighed, slowly pulled out his gloves from his back pocket (“Window cleaner? No... Hey, hurry up!”) and put them on. He tucked his completely withered sex back into his trousers before snapping his fingers.

 

The sudden light was enough to make him squint his eyes shut in the darkness, and with his concentration broken, the flame died out quickly. Ed reproached him with several sentences that nobody in the military had any business using with their superior officer, and Roy decided that when they got to the military hotel for the night he'd do Ed sans lube... and ... plus gusto...

 

Roy half-closed his eyes in anticipation and flicked his fingers. He focused on the spark, giving it just enough oxygen to grow, but not enough to catch the room on fire, and held his breath. Ed muttered a gruff 'thanks' and, his trousers still pooled around his feet and his military dress shirt barely covering his rear, began to pick up different bottles and read their labels.

 

“Lint rollers, no... Carpet scrub, maybe... Bleach, no; window cleaner, no... Oh, right on, hand soap! Hm? Gimme some more light, will ya? Amodium... better not... Chemical alchemy is such a pain in the ass compared to biological alchemy... Air freshener, no... More window cleaner?”

 

Finally, after what seemed like a long, sexless time, Ed pushed a bunch of the bottles and cans into the corner, leaving four and the overlarge mop bucket in front of him. He opened one of the bottles and hastily poured some into the bucket. Unscrewing another, he added only a little.

 

The powerful scent of chemicals from the third bottle made Roy nervous enough to ask, “Are you sure this is such a good idea? I'm not even hard anymore, you know...”

 

Ed turned, cocked his head, and gave a look that clearly meant, 'This is what I want to do and I'm doing it no matter what.' Then he gave a sly smirk and said, “I'll be able to fix that in no time.' Ed finished pouring the third bottle, the smell of chemicals firmly saturating the air. He added some from the fourth, and looked down at the bucket, exhaled deeply, and turned to Roy.

 

“Think about it this way, we won't have to buy that expensive lube stuff ever again!” Ed said cheerfully. His smile seemed to grow wider at Roy's lack of reaction.

 

Roy wondered if other people had to ever deal with this kind of issue with their lovers... if passionate love making sessions suddenly turned to intense knitting pattern debates, or un-negotiable fits of rummaging through cook books to look up the contents of a particular seasoning...

 

“Okay, here goes nothing!” Ed clapped his hands.

 

Roy had a feeling it was just him who had to deal with stuff quite like this...

 

There came a bright flash of blue light, an electric sizzle of energy, then a shout.

 

Then there was another shout, his own, and the sudden shock of being thoroughly doused with water. Roy's flame went out immediately, and darkness added to the confusion. His face felt covered with something slimy—it certainly wasn't water—and Roy cursed as he mopped at his face with an equally goopey uniformed arm. He instinctively snapped his fingers, but there was no spark.

 

“Oh... um...” Ed began sheepishly. “Guess maybe I shouldn't have added that carpet scrub after all?”

 

“Fullmetal,” Roy began to say, a fit of anger washing over him. A meeting of all the major military heads in Amestris, and his uniform was covered in-

 

But it got better. “What the hell is that smell?”

 

It smelled like rotten eggs and cat food, only lemon flavored cat food...

 

“Um, I guess that's the lemon scent from the residue in the bucket?” Ed rationed logically, seemingly more interested in dissecting the anatomy of this blunder than reacting to it. “See? This is why I like bio alchemy more... This chemical stuff should be left to the Tringhams or someone like...”

 

“I-” Roy abruptly ended his own sharp words as he took a deep breath through his nose and had to focus all of his willpower on stopping himself from puking. After a moment, he regained his composure behind a sticky handkerchief and asked, “How the hell could this mess get any worse?”

 

The voice over the building loudspeaker system answered him, “All military officers should return to the main assembly hall, as the meetings will resume shortly.”

 

-end Misuse of Personal Lubricant Transmutation

Misuse of Alchemy 2 in The Misuse of Alchemy Series

 

Notes: Thank you Johnson and Johnson for making K-Y so simple that even I could figure out a few things about its elemental structure! But, yeah, making it would be a mess... I'd imagine Amestris would be pretty advanced in chemicals and, so... yeah, window cleaner and the like... Who knows? These important details never get clarified in anime/manga...

 

As I said before, there will not be any continuity between these oneshots. So even though Ed and Roy are together in this one, don't expect for that to necessarily be true for future installments. Also, go fucking vote for what kinks you want done. And, more importantly, give me feedback if you can. I really like to hear what people have to say, what they enjoyed, what they didn't, what I could improve on... So, please! Masamuneehs@hotmail.com

 

Next is some Homunculi action. Yes, they count as alchemy. They were made with it, weren't they?