Fullmetal Alchemist Fan Fiction ❯ Training Edward Elric ❯ Personal Identity ( Chapter 8 )

Sorry for the wait. Enjoy. :)

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Training Edward Elric

 

Chapter Eight

 

Personal Identity

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Ed stared dully at Mustang as the man wrote in that damn book of his. The colonel seemed almost depressed as he wrote, but Ed really didn't care. He was so tired that he feared he'd fall over again, and that fear was enough to keep him standing… for now at least.

 

With a final sigh, Mustang shut the book and looked up at Ed with an almost unreadable expression. Ed frowned. Something was going on in that man's head, and he wasn't sure he was going to like it... But, what more could Mustang do to him? What more could he do to make him miserable? Ed didn't know. Mustang turned and placed the book in one of the nightstand drawers, then looked up at Ed.

 

“Good morning, Eddie,” Mustang murmured softly.

 

Ed wanted to yell at the man, tell him that his name wasn't `Eddie', but he just didn't have the energy. Instead, he simply narrowed his eyes, hoping his distaste for the name would be clear. If Mustang saw the glare, he didn't react to it. Mustang moved over to the edge of the bed and slipped his feet into a pair of rubber slip-on shoes before pushing one of the buttons on the wall and dragging a chair to where Ed was standing.

 

“Sit,” Mustang said in a soft command. Ed glanced from the chair to Mustang, then back to the chair before looking nervously at the floor. He did want to sit, very much so, but the memories of falling on the floor during the night were fresh in his mind. “You can step on the floor,” the man said simply as if he could hear Ed's thoughts.

 

Gritting his teeth together, Ed slowly crossed the small distance to the chair and slowly sat down. He wasn't obeying Mustang; he simply wanted to sit... It felt so wonderful to finally get off his foot, but the relief brought a different ache that made him groan softly. His leg was stiff and his muscles were cramped from standing all that time. Ed leaned the crutch against his knee and rubbed his leg slightly, then rested his arm over his groin in a feeble attempt to be modest, though really he couldn't care less at this point.

 

Ed's eyes followed Mustang as he walked around the chair and stood in front of Ed with his arms folded. Ed studied him back with a frown. The black pajama pants had a stripe of red going up the side of each leg, and the long-sleeved, button-up pajama shirt had a stripe of red around each of the sleeve cuffs.

 

“Who are you?” Mustang asked in quiet seriousness.

 

Ed's eyebrows knit together in confusion at the question. When Mustang said nothing else, Ed swallowed, trying to wet his dry throat, and said hoarsely, “Edward Elric.”

 

The colonel shook his head. “You are not Edward Elric. You are Eddie, and you are my property.” Ed's head hurt and he really didn't feel like arguing about this right now, but he couldn't let that go. He was Edward Elric, no matter what dumb pet name he was given.

 

“I'm Edward Elric!” he exclaimed, though not nearly with the force he had hoped would come out.

 

Mustang raised a dark eyebrow and murmured, “Is that so?” He stared at Ed for a moment before walking behind Ed and out of his line of sight. Ed heard a drawer opening, then after a moment he felt his messy braid being lifted. Suddenly he felt his hair being grabbed and something cut through it. He turned around to see Mustang holding a pair of scissors and his hair in his hands.

 

“What the hell do you think you're doing?” Ed cried, his exhaustion momentarily forgotten. That was his hair! He hadn't said Mustang could cut it!!

 

Without answering him, Mustang grabbed his head and roughly turned it before hacking through the rest the hair. The pressure on his head lessened for a moment and Ed turned his head in time to see the large chunk of hair laid on the bed. Mustang grabbed his shoulders and turned him around. “Don't move,” the colonel commanded before Ed heard and felt more of his hair being chopped off.

 

Ed watched in horror as small chunks of blond hair fell to the floor. “Stop it!” he cried again and felt frustrated tears fill his eyes. He wanted to resist, to fight, but he couldn't. He was simply too exhausted from lack of sleep and food, not to mention he was so thirsty that he could hardly stand it. He could slap at Mustang with his one good hand—try to punch him even—but that wouldn't do much good, and Ed had no desire to deal with any more pain right now.

 

Besides... what did it matter anyway, he wondered dully. The damage was already done. Two hot tears trickled silently down his cheeks from his eyes. He'd said he wasn't going to cut it until he got Al's body back... His lower lip trembled, and his nose and eyes burned as he tried to hold back any more tears. Mustang had no right! No right at all!

 

Though he tried hard to fight it, a sob burst from him and more tears spilled from his eyes. He just couldn't handle this right now. He just needed sleep! As hungry and thirsty as he was, he'd take sleep over either right now. His body hurt and he was simply exhausted, and now this...

 

The chopping stopped and he heard the scissors being put away before a small buzzing sound met his ears. Mustang grabbed his head and held him still while shaving his head, then let him go when he was done. Ed heard the razor being put away, then watched as Mustang stepped in front of him once again.

 

“Tell me,” Mustang murmured. “Who are you?”

 

“Edward Elric...” Ed said, sniffling. He felt so very pathetic right now.

 

Without a word, the colonel stepped forward and slipped his arm under Ed's before dragging him to the side of the cage where a door was located. Mustang pulled him in and turned on the light. Ed glanced around the bathroom, but before he had a chance to take it all in, the colonel turned him around to face him.

 

“Tell me,” Mustang said. “Who is Edward Elric? What does he look like? Can you see him in your mind?”

 

Ed's forehead wrinkled in confusion, but he instantly saw an image of himself in his mind. He was standing there defiantly in his black clothes and long, red coat. His long hair tied back in a braid and a silver chain leading to his pocket where his state alchemist identification was stuffed.

 

Without warning, Mustang turned Ed around to face a full-length mirror. Ed stared at himself in stunned silence. Small pieces of hair clung to his naked body, and poked out from between his skin and the collar where they'd fallen. His automail ports brought attention to the fact that he was missing both his arm and leg. Dark circles hung low beneath tired, red eyes. And the most shocking thing was his shaved head. He'd never had his head shaved before. When he was younger, his hair had been short, but never like this...

 

“Do you see Edward Elric in there?” he heard Mustang ask.

 

Ed searched the pathetic figure in the mirror desperately, but... no, he wasn't there. The person he'd always seen when he'd looked into the mirror was gone... He blinked rapidly as his vision became blurry.

 

“Who are you?” Mustang asked again. Ed opened his mouth to answer, but found he didn't have the words.

 

I am... Edward Elric... he thought desperately.

 

Mustang brought his head close to Ed's and whispered, “Does that look like Edward Elric to you?”

 

Ed shook his head and a sob broke from him. No... no, it didn't...

 

“It doesn't look like it to me either,” Mustang affirmed. “You know why?” Ed shook his head again, too upset to even think about what was going on. “Because, you are not Edward Elric. You are Eddie, and I am your master. I own you, Eddie. Your only purpose in life is to serve me, and to serve me faithfully, without question.

 

Ed reached out his hand and touched the mirror before falling down to the floor. He was Edward... he was... he...

 

Ed lay on the floor, curled up into a ball, and started to cry. It was all just too much... He couldn't handle any more right now! All he wanted to do was sleep! He just wanted to forget it all! A hand gripped his arm hard and pulled him up to stare into the mirror again.

 

“Please...” Ed moaned, trying to look away from the mirror, but Mustang moved his head back.

 

“Who are you?” he asked once again with unfailing patience. Ed mumbled something between sobs. “Who are you?” Mustang repeated. “Say it!”

 

“Ed... I'm Ed...” he cried desperately. He didn't want to say it. It wasn't true! But... if he said it, would he get to sleep? He clung to that thought and suddenly sleep became more important than his pride. He couldn't resist anymore; he just couldn't...

 

“Who are you?” Mustang said, his tone low and serious.

 

“Eddie...” he whimpered and felt shame wash through him at even saying the words, but he just couldn't resist any longer. “I'm Eddie...”

 

“Good boy...” Mustang said with a sigh, then rubbed Ed's back gently. “Good boy.”

 

“Please... Can I sleep now?” Ed begged pitifully. The crying had only served to worsen his tiredness and it was all he could do to keep awake. He was so exhausted and spent that he thought he would have thrown-up if he had anything in his stomach.

 

“Who am I?” Mustang asked softly.

 

Ed stared up at him with tired eyes. What he really wanted to say was `you are Roy Mustang, bastard extraordinaire', but he knew that reply wasn't what the man was looking for. Instead of responding to the question directly, Ed answered it with the same question.

 

“Please... Can I sleep now...” He paused, then whispered in quiet humiliation, “Master...”

 

Mustang reached out and pulled him up before sitting him down on the toilet. “Yes, you can,” he said kindly. “But first you must have a shower. You smell disgusting.”

 

Shower? Ed moaned. While he wanted to be clean very badly, it was quite low on his priority list at the moment. He looked up tiredly, and watched as Mustang reached over and turned the water on for the shower. The `shower' was a large, square area with tiles lining both the walls of the shower and the floor.

 

Ed glanced from the shower back to Mustang, ready to repeat his request when he saw that the man was getting undressed. A faint feeling of alarm struck him. He wasn't going to shower with Mustang, was he?

 

After pulling off the night shirt, the colonel's hands paused at his pants. He glanced at Ed briefly before blowing the air out of his lungs and quickly pulling the pants off. When he was naked, Mustang pulled Ed up to a standing position and led him to the shower.

 

The hot spray against his skin felt so nice that he almost fell asleep right there. Ed closed his eyes and felt a hand on his back pushing him gently forward. He let that guide him and opened his eyes suddenly when he realized he was now leaning against Mustang's chest.

 

“It's alright, Eddie,” Mustang said quietly, then Ed felt soapy hands rubbing against his skin. “I'm going to take care of you. I will always take care of you as long as you are loyal to me.”

 

For some reason, Ed found comfort in those words. Mustang would take care of him... He wasn't so bad... These sleepy thoughts swam around in his mind as he stood resting his head against Mustang. The feeling of hands slowly washing his body lulled him into a trance-like state and he felt his knee buckle under him.

 

Hands held tightly to his body and he felt himself slowly lowered. Ed blearily opened his eyes and noticed that they were both sitting under the spray, noticed that he was sitting in Mustang's lap. He thought vaguely that he should be embarrassed and alarmed by this, but he couldn't work up the emotions. Instead, he snuggled into the warmth and closed his eyes again.

 

The washing resumed along with more reassurances that he would be taken care of as long as he was loyal to his master. He sighed sleepily and let the words swirl around in his head. Loyal... Loyal to Mustang, to his master... Everything would be fine... He was so good and loyal...

 

The last thing Ed remembered were two strong arms encircling him, holding him tight. He felt so warm and protected in those arms. Letting himself relax into the embrace, Ed finally fell into a deep sleep.

 

;-;-;-;-;-;-;

 

Despite the fact that I've just had a shower, I feel extremely dirty. I feel evil beyond belief...

 

Today, I cut Ed's... no... Eddie. He is Eddie... I cut Eddie's hair today. I really didn't want to. His hair was so, well, him. But that's why it was necessary. He needed to see that his identity is no longer in his control. Who he sees in that mirror is no longer who he believed himself to be. Though I knew this, it was still horrible to watch.

 

He finally acknowledged me as `master' and he was able to say that he was Eddie and not Edward, but this is only the beginning. I don't expect him to be as easy when he's had sleep and food. I foresee more stubbornness on his part, though I hope he won't be too difficult. I don't think I can go through much more of this.

 

I gave him a shower; he needed it given the disgusting stench from the urine. Because Eddie was so fatigued, I decided to shower with him (though I think this is something I'll implement on a regular basis in the training). I don't think he would have had the energy to hold himself up and wash himself. I have to admit that I was a little embarrassed to get undressed in front of him, though I think I would have felt more so if he'd actually been coherent.

 

It was rather... disconcerting... showering with him. The closest I've come to showering with another male was in a locker room, but even then it wasn't as if I was under the same showerhead with them. Even more unsettling was that he fell asleep in my arms. Having a naked man pressed against me was... I don't know. I definitely felt odd about it. I suppose I'll have to get used to this given the later part of the training. I don't really even want to think about that yet. This would be so much easier for me if Eddie was a woman... But he's not, and I agreed to this, knowing full well what some of this entailed. I just hope that when the time comes I'll be able to...

 

Enough of those thoughts. That is all for later and not for now. For now, my first concern is that he says what he needs to. He needs sleep. He needs to eat and drink. Everyone does, but at his age...at his age it's especially important. His body is still growing and maturing. It uses energy so fast. I think that if he had been even five years older it could have taken him a few more days or even a week to get to the point that he is now.

 

I just hope he will stop fighting me. He could die if it went too far. There are no systems in place to keep trainees alive if they become too weak or if an accident happens. He doesn't seem to understand that there's a reason why only criminal State Alchemists take on the rank of C-5. It's no big loss to society if they die, but it is a gain to the military if they can be retrained into loyal slaves. I don't know if the military realizes that there is a major flaw in this. The master needs to be loyal to the government if the C-5 is to be as well.

 

In any case, those are thoughts for another time.

 

What matters now is that Eddie was able to give in once. He may have been exhausted, and hungry, but he was able to give in once. It won't be as hard for him the next time even if he isn't as tired.

 

At this moment, he's sleeping on my bed. He's lying with his back next to my chest and I have my arm over him so that I can write in this journal. I've also requested cleaners to scrub out the cage. They're here now, yet they don't even seem to think that the way Eddie and I are laying together is abnormal.

 

It is abnormal, yet it isn't...

 

I want to protect him. I'm not sure if this is because I have always tried to protect him, or because he's so young and vulnerable. It could be because he's mine, though I'm sure those feelings aren't supposed to come until later. Normally the trainer and trainee haven't already known each other before the training begins. Edwa... Eddie... and I are truly a special case.

 

At this point the trainer isn't supposed to have any feelings toward their trainee at all. That probably helps them get through this initial stage since they don't really care about their trainee, and they actually might feel that the trainee deserves the treatment they're being given because of their criminal activity. Eddie doesn't deserve this, doesn't deserve it at all... He never should have asked for this. Anyway, I suppose that if I hadn't known Eddie before, then this wouldn't nearly be so hard on me. As it is, this is tearing me apart. I'm supposed to be protecting this boy, not hurting him.

 

No.

 

No, now I'm making the mistake of thinking of Eddie as Edward again. I can't. I can't think of the past. I can only think of now. Eddie is my property, my pet, and though I will protect him, it won't be because of the past. It will be because he is mine. I must train Eddie to be loyal to me with all his heart and soul so that Edward will reach his goals—so that we can both reach our goals... For both of our sakes I must train him correctly, no matter how much it hurts either of us in the process.

 

 

;-;-;-;-;-;-;

 

Ed moaned as he felt his mind claw its way into consciousness. Dreams... He'd had such strange dreams... He'd had dreams of Mustang holding him in the shower, of washing his body, and murmuring what a good boy he thought he was and how loyal Ed was to him. He'd had dreams of lying on a soft, comfortable bed curled next to someone as they wrote in a book. Then there were dreams of being carried and laid down on a hard metal floor...

 

Ed shifted, then opened his eyes. Or maybe they weren't dreams... He was lying in the cage again, but the room was dark. Weakly, Ed sat up and blinked. How long had he been sleeping? Was it all a dream then? He lifted his hand and gently touched his head, then let it drop heavily back to the floor.

 

No dream... It had been no dream.

 

Tears of anger stabbed at Ed's eyes. Mustang had no right to cut his hair. No right at all! Ed gritted his teeth and scrubbed angrily at his eyes. He wanted to keep telling himself that, but he knew that he was wrong. He was thinking more clearly now than he had been before, and he knew that Mustang did have the right. He had the right because Ed had given him that right... Ed searched his memory, trying to drudge up the words from when he'd been collared.

 

“Fullmetal Alchemist, Major Edward Elric, I, Flame Alchemist, Colonel Roy Mustang put this collar around your neck as a sign that you have accepted the responsibility of a State Alchemist certified at the fifth level, and with that, the burden of training.”

 

“This collar is not only a symbol of your training, but it is also a representation of the new position you will hold; not only in the military, but also in the relationship we will form from this day on.”

 

The burden of training... His position... He hadn't agreed explicitly that Mustang could do whatever he wanted, but it was in there. It had been implied, but there were no implications in the litany... The litany was to the point.

 

When my master is happy, I am happy.

When my master is sad, I am sad.

Without my master, my life is nothing, so I will serve him loyally

My master is my only joy. He will care for me as long as I am loyal.

My master has the right to punish me if I ever disobey or displease him.

Whatever my master commands me to do, I will do.

If my master tells me to kill, I will kill, no matter who it is.

My master's word is law, and I will obey him and only him.

 

Ed sniffled, and felt angry at himself. He'd been so stupid... He'd blindly agreed to this. He was the one who had given Mustang the right. The colonel was only doing what he was supposed to do. How could he be angry at him for that? Perhaps he shouldn't, but he did feel angry. It was lessened by his mental understanding of the situation, but it felt better to blame someone other than himself for what was happening.

 

Ed yawned and stretched. He couldn't remember ever feeling so exhausted in his life... Smacking his dry lips together, Ed glanced over in the direction he knew the water bowl was before pulling himself to it. He felt so thirsty... His mouth was dry and he craved water in a way that he'd only known when he'd traveled through the desert. Even then, it hadn't been nearly this bad.

 

When he got to the bowl, Ed looked around again. He didn't want Mustang to see what he was about to do. After satisfying himself that the colonel was asleep, or at the very least not watching him, Ed leaned forward, pressed his lips against the still surface, and sipped awkwardly from the bowl. He could use his hand to scoop up the water, but this would be faster. It was degrading that he should have to drink from a dish meant for animals, but right now he needed water. His stomach growled loudly as if to remind him that he also needed food.

 

With a sigh, Ed flopped onto his back, then sniffed the air. He frowned and glanced toward the back of the cage. It was clean. The cage must have been cleaned while he was asleep. Ed touched his body noting that it had also been washed.

 

No dream.

 

It had been no dream.

 

He felt blood rush to his cheeks in embarrassment at the thought that he'd not only showered with Mustang, but he'd fallen asleep against him—fallen asleep in his lap. Well, he had been pretty tired... Unfortunately, that thought didn't seem to lessen the awkwardness of it all.

 

He frowned. Then the other `dream' must not have been a dream either. Ed glanced over to the dark shape of the bed. Had he slept there as well? If so, it must have been Mustang who he'd... His frown deepened. He hated to use the word 'cuddle' but... Ed groaned and slapped a hand against his face in humiliation. He did not cuddle with Mustang!

 

Ed shook his head trying to clear his thoughts. Well, whatever... he didn't cuddle, he'd just been asleep... As much as he tried to convince himself, the faint memories of being hugged, and—he scowled—and, and...petted... wouldn't leave him alone. Ed growled in frustration, half because it had happened, and half because he vaguely remembered sleepily leaning into those shows of affection.

 

He covered his eyes with his arm in frustration. He wasn't an animal. He was a person, a human being. Ed clenched his fist as his stomach growled again and tried to put the matter out of his mind. Okay, so perhaps he had lain next to Mustang and had let the man pet him like an animal, but he'd been mostly asleep. He wasn't responsible for what he did when he was asleep.

 

Ed turned over onto his side and closed his eyes, determined to get more sleep before Mustang woke. Instantly, visions of himself in the mirror came to mind and he felt horror and revulsion well up within him. It wasn't just who he'd seen in the mirror, but that he'd actually called himself by that horrid name and that he'd called Mustang... that word.

 

But I was tired! Ed reasoned with himself in frustration. It wasn't as if he'd been thinking straight at the time. Squeezing his eyes shut, Ed tried to ignore the pain in his stomach and tried to sleep. He may have given in before, but that was only because he'd been tired... he surely wasn't going to give in again. At least, that was what he told himself. As he lay awake, his stomach felt like an empty hole, and Ed wondered if he'd be able to keep his resolve firm when the morning meal was served...

 

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