Fullmetal Alchemist Fan Fiction ❯ Walking the Line Between Want and Need ❯ Chapter 5

Chapter 5

 

Bang!!

Damn him!

 

Bang!!

Damn him!

 

Bang!!

Damn him!

 

Why did he have to do this to her?

 

Each time she pulled the trigger, she silently swore at him, angry enough she could imagine each bullet hit him. She tried to concentrate on hating him, but her mind kept playing last night over and over in her head.

 

His arms wrapped around her, again pulling her to him, enjoying the heat from her mouth. The way their bodies fit together, molding perfectly to fit with that of the other; it was as if their bodies were created solely for this, her soft curves pressed tightly to his well muscled form. Her lips parted slightly, just enough to suck on his lower lip. Opening further, she allowed her tongue to trace the seam of his mouth. He obligingly opened, his tongue slipping out to meet hers and coax her into his mouth, giving them their first taste of each other.

 

The shooting range attendant had been surprised to see her twice in one day, but this was the only thing she could think of to possibly calm down and distract her enough stop thinking of him. She always felt better after time spent at the shooting range.

 

It just didn't seem to be working this time.

 

But it wasn't really his fault. She was the one to blame for dragging him into her apartment and telling him not to stop with just kissing her. What was she thinking allowing this to happen!

 

When the light on the wall of the shooting range turned red she automatically lowered her weapon. She reloaded the magazine, set the safeties and placed it on the counter. Picking up her Browning, she checked the magazine and waited for the red light to turn off.

 

“Great shot, lieutenant. As usual.” The attendant brought her the paper target with the bullet holes all within the small two inch center circle of the bull's eye. Returning to his small glass-protected area off to the side, he flipped the light to signal to shooters all was clear and sat down to wait.

 

Riza fired off the next half dozen shots without giving the target her complete attention. Roy's earlier actions still held her attention.

 

Bang!

 

She had told herself she would be happy if she could just be with him once. God, how could she be so wrong?! Even after sex, that strange hollow feeling remained. For such a short time she had been filled, finally whole and complete. But now she was empty again. Just looking at him reminded her of that pain and that emptiness.

 

Bang!

 

Yes she was pleased to know he could see her as a woman and not just another androgynous soldier. Pleased to know that not only could she arouse him, he wanted to have sex with her. The hard part was accepting she wanted more; more than just a one night stand. It hadn't even been a one night stand - it was a fuck in her hallway. A one night stand would have at least gotten to explore his body and watch his reactions more than just a quick glimpse of his naked mouth-watering body.

 

Bang!

 

The red light flipped on again and she automatically lowered her weapon. Without even looking at the gun in her hands, she reloaded it and set it on the table in front of her while the attendant once again retrieved her paper target.

 

“Looks like a couple of your shots were a bit off this time, lieutenant.” The attendant called from the target. “You may want to have someone look at the sight on that one.” She was somewhat surprised the attendant automatically assumed there was an error with her weapon rather than an error on her part.

 

“No, Sergeant, it was me. I'm a little distracted this afternoon.”

 

“Anything I can do to help?” He asked setting the target on top of the other one on the counter. He hesitated and looked at her longingly. Perhaps he could even assist in some way to get the blonde lieutenant to notice him.

 

She didn't even glance at the man, speaking without taking her eyes off her weapons on the counter. “It's nothing. Thank you Sergeant.” It was as if when the red light turned off, her brain was finally able to function. When it was on, her body was set on auto-pilot.

 

Raising her weapon and squeezing off a shot, she allowed herself to admit to her fear: she wanted more than sex from him, she wanted his heart as well. If he were to find that out, he would want nothing to do with her. If she thought needing his acknowledgement of her as a female and never getting it was bad, the thought of never being close to his heart would be the death of her. And his every touch was just another twist of the knife.

 

Bang!

 

It had felt so good and she couldn't forget the joy she'd felt in his arms. His hot kisses over her bare flesh, careful fingers touching every inch of her, his body pressing tightly against her, pressing her to the wall so she wouldn't lose her balance. The overwhelming scent of him, The taste of his mouth and his sweat. Thrusting into her with such force, she swore she could feel him forcing himself into her cervix. And the way he'd held her in his arms after, breathing her scent, his hot breath tickling the hairs on her neck as he whispered in her ear. She'd never felt happier than at that moment. And she knew she never would again.

 

Bang!

 

His actions this afternoon had only reinforced that he would never see her as a woman he could love. He only saw her as a convenient fuck; his very own in-office whore. A woman willing to do anything for him, something she had already proven to him last night. And when the realization came to her that afternoon in his office, she had never felt more ashamed in her life. She was no better than any soldier who had sex with a superior officer for a promotion. While she may not get a promotion for it, she would definitely receive a favored status. A status she didn't want. She only wanted him.

 

Her hands were shaking and even before the light turned on; she lowered her weapon and looked at the target. Even from where she was standing, she could see the shots had been wild, some not even hitting the target. Lowering her gaze she stared at the counter and was surprised when a single tear fell on her hand.

 

She had brought this upon herself. This was the very reason she had controlled herself for so long. Well, that and because of the regulations against it. That one moment of weakness that had given her such joy earlier in the day had plunged her into the depths of her own living hell. The ache in her chest had become ceaseless. One unthinking moment ruined the way they worked together. And she'd lost any respect she may have earned from him. Making her nothing but a whore.

 

It had been just one little slip and now she'd never felt more alone in her life than at this moment. And it was all her fault for being weak.

 

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Roy sat in his office, finally alone. He stared at the report he was trying to read but his mind was unable to concentrate on much of anything at this time.

 

Anything other than Riza.

 

What in god's name had he done for her to leave like that? Sure, she'd told him to stop, but if she really wanted that, why had she turned to kiss him? She could have just pushed him away when he first touched her. Was she that distraught with what they had done?

 

The intense and eager sounds she made yesterday still filled his head. That soft moan when they kissed, the gentle gasps as he caressed her body, the whimper she made when he touched her most sensitive spots. And the cry she made when she came, only audible for seconds before roughly cut off by his lips pressed against hers. But it was the whimper that haunted him. That unbelievably arousing sound coming from her had him hard just thinking about it. She had given him complete control expressed by that breathtaking noise.

 

And the way she responded to his touch. The way she rubbed her body against his, the arch of her back pushing her bared breasts toward him, her tongue gently twisting with his. He loved how very slick she was when he reached into her panties, the delicious shudder that ran thru her body when he stroked the sensitive area between her legs and how her body clenched around the fingers that were pushed deep inside her when he teased her nipple.

 

And holding her tightly in his arms afterward. His body still buried in hers and her arms wrapped securely around his back, holding him so closely he could feel every shaky breath she took. And the kisses she left on his bare shoulder still tingled just remembering them. It was in that one moment when he was holding her in his arms that he allowed himself to imagine his dreams were true. That she wanted to be with him, and only him for the rest of her life. To be someone to come home to or to come home to him. Better yet, they could come home together and have hot passionate sex all night or just lay comfortably naked in each other's arms. Imagining she would love and need him forever. He wasn't sure when this dream had come to him but it didn't really matter; it was only a dream, wishful thinking, a fantasy he knew would never come true.

 

God damn it, he did love her, he thought as his hand hit his desk. And he never wanted to be without her. He sighed, closed his eyes and rubbed his forehead. He could finally admit it, he loved her but she didn't love him. How could anyone who knew what he'd really done in Ishbal even stand to be around him? He'd murdered hundreds if not thousands of people with his own hands. Using her father's secret that she'd entrusted him with. He'd killed innocent people with those secrets. Men. Women. Children. Whole families. He had no right to happiness. He was still alive to make a change, not live happily ever after.

 

She would find someone else. It would rip his heart to pieces to see her with another man, to see her give someone else that radiant smile she flashed at him last night. That real smile that shone in her eyes when she closed the door behind him. She was happy then so the regret must have come later. It would hurt more than words could express to see her with another man, but if she was happy… He now knew what was meant when he heard that loving someone was being able to let them go. He had to think of what was best for her, not of his own selfish and impossible fantasies of being with her.

 

She could find a man who could take care of her like she deserved, one who could be with her without having to break rules and wouldn't put her life in danger. There would be a big wedding for everyone she knew and she and her new husband would buy a house with a big backyard for Black Hayate. And there'd be children. Well behaved children of course - Riza wouldn't allow anything less. He smiled softly. And yet, in his mind, they all had his black hair.

 

Fuck. He grumbled and banged his head on his desk. In a matter of minutes his whole point of view had changed. These thoughts were going to kill him; he had to stop thinking about her like that! Like she could ever be his.

 

“Did that help any?” Hughes voice came from behind him.

 

“Not really. Go away.” Mustang sat up and leaned back in his chair.

 

“Figure out what you're going to do yet?”

 

“Not exactly.” Realizing Hughes wasn't going anywhere, Mustang swung his chair around to see the figure standing in the window. “For god's sake, could you at least look a bit more solid? Talking to a transparent figure is too disconcerting.” He grumbled.

“Very well, I'll just sit on the couch again.” Hughes said as he returned to the couch. He jumped on it, lying down and propping his feet up on the arm. Roy caught himself before telling his deceased friend to keep his shoes off the furniture. “You need to apologize to her.”

 

“For what?”

 

“It doesn't matter. Apologies work well. Work even better with flowers.”

 

“I don't think that's the route I want to take.”

 

“So which one are you planning on taking?”

 

“The one with a happy ending for her.”

 

“Without an apology, I don't know if you can get back with her.”

 

“I said a happy ending for her, not me.”

 

“How's that?”

 

A soft knock at the door interrupted them.

 

“Come.” He barked out, glad for the interruption. A quick glance at the couch ensured his friend had disappeared.

 

“Sir, if I may have a word with you.” Riza's voice was soft as she slowly opened the door.

 

“Of course.” It was time for their conversation. The conversation.

 

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This time he made no move toward her, he just watched her from behind his desk. Her hair was still down, brushing against her shoulders. The sun had disappeared from his windows, leaving only the glow of the overhead lighting to shine on her hair. Even in the artificial light she was still ravishing and his hands itched to reach out and run his fingers through the blond strands. Her face was somewhat pale and drawn, her eyes slightly puffy, yet anger flashed in her eyes, adding a flush to her too pale complexion. Just seeing her made him intensely aware of how tight his pants and boxers had become. Sex on his desk was sounding better and better.

 

“What happened Riza? What did I do to make you run away?”

 

“It was an inappropriate action for the office, sir.” Her tone was sharp. Her anger was close to boiling over and even after time spent at the firing range, she was still furious. Furious at him for making her love him and using her to only fulfill his own sexual desire.

 

“I apologize for that.”

 

“I'm your aide, not the office whore here for your enjoyment!” She said with venom in her voice and eyes ablaze with anger.

 

He gasped aloud, her shocking words stunning him. The conviction in her voice told him she actually thought he only wanted her for his amusement, as some sort of sex toy. He was about to yell at her for thinking such a stupid thing when he looked back into her eyes. The fire had left, leaving her burgundy eyes to filling with tears. One drop even started to roll down a cheek. The pain ripped right through his body, shattering his heart into tiny fragments. He longed to pull her into his arms, brush the tear from her face and tell her he never, ever meant for her to feel like that.

 

But he stopped.

 

“I never meant for this to happen when I pulled you into my apartment.” The anger gone, she was rambling as more tears slid down her face. “I just needed one night from you, but that was all it was to be, one night. I told you that when we started. I shouldn't have done it but… it was a one time thing. Please don't make my mistake last night cost me our friendship.”

 

Mistake.

 

She called last night a mistake. His stomach turned and he swallowed hard as the word echoed through his head. He had thought it was impossible for him to hurt more until he heard those words. Without even meaning to, he had caused her more pain than he'd thought possible. And now she considered being with him a mistake. It was like an icy coldness consumed his body and a cold strength surged through him allowing him to finally speak. He didn't want to hurt her, but in the end, it would be to her advantage if he allowed her to think that way.

 

He took a deep breath and chose his words carefully. “I'm sorry I gave you that impression, lieutenant. Why don't you take the rest of the day off - I promise to finish my paperwork by the morning. We'll… we'll never speak of this again.”

 

“Yes, sir.” Not looking back at him, she quickly left the room, shutting the door softly behind her, embarrassed by the tears she'd shed in his presence. Quickly gathering her things, she left the office before any of the others could question her behavior.

 

Roy sat at his desk, his mind reeling from what she had said. Had he really treated her like she was nothing but a whore? Like she was nothing but a play toy to him?

 

She may have felt like it was a mistake, but that didn't change how he would remember last night. She had enjoyed it, he was sure she had. The way she clung to him, squeezing him so tight it was hard to draw a breath, bare skin pressed to bare skin. It really would be the only time he would ever see her like that - and the last time he would hear her make those unbelievably arousing sounds. So that memory of last night would have to last him the rest of his life.

 

“You fucked up Roy-boy.” Hughes voice came from over his shoulder.

 

“Thanks Hughes. Like I couldn't tell without your help.”

 

“Why did you let her leave thinking you only saw her as your very own in-office good-time girl?”

 

“Because it's in her best interest. If I told her I love her, what would happen? If she found out, it would make our working relationship impossible and even if, by some impossible chance, she wanted to be with me, I would only put her more in danger. Being with me would risk her career and her life; it would turn her into an even bigger target than she already is just by working for me. There is no happy ending for my life and she deserves someone who can give her what she deserves in life. Now, I think it's time for you to leave, Hughes.”

 

“Fine. Just let me say sometimes you can be such a idiot.”

 

“So noted.” Roy said with a sigh as his friend disappeared. Slowly rising from his chair, he stepped over to look out the window. Even from a distance, he recognized her figure leaving the building.

 

He'd had her. He'd held her in his arms, kissed and loved her for all he was worth. It was only for a moment, but he had her. He loved her and now she was gone. Turning with a sigh he realized, love shouldn't hurt this much.

 

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She couldn't seem to fall asleep that night. She tossed and turned, trying to find a comfortable position in her bed but nothing was working. She was unable to get that hurt look on his face out of her mind. It had only been there for a second, but she knew she hadn't imagined it. Was she wrong about everything? Could she have jumped to the wrong conclusion?

 

She sighed and tried to push that thought out of her mind.

 

When she came home early that afternoon, she had taken Black Hayate on a walk to the park where she watched him play with a stick. Sitting on the bench enjoying the antics of her puppy, she couldn't pull her eyes away from a little boy with black hair who ran to a dark haired man who scooped him up and tossed him up in the air, the little boy giggling the whole time.

 

There was one fantasy she kept hidden away. Sometimes it appeared as dreams that she'd wake up and remember, other times it would be a daydream she caught herself thinking about when she was bored or lonely.

 

It first started when they were children, before he left for the military. She dreamed they'd grown up, he was a well known freelance alchemist and she his wife, living in their own house in the small town by where her father lived. There was no military, no politics or plots to worry about. Just them, sharing a life together. Spending the rest of their lives together. 3 children and a dog had been slowly added to create the family she had once wanted. Although she seldom admitted it, she still wanted it. It was a little different each time, sometimes the children had just been born, and others she was holding her first grandchild. Once she'd seen them both, old and grey, still holding hands while at the dinner table with their family gathered around them.

 

She knew a long time ago it was never meant to be, but every now and then it would sneak up on her as she came across everyday things that would set her mind roaming to imagine the life they could have had together. If he had loved her. And that was yet another silly daydream that made her think of what might have been. A dream that he could love her and wanted to be with her. He probably never even considered getting married or having a family with anyone, much less her.

 

She might have seen pain on his face this afternoon, but after what she had said she knew there was no way he could ever love her.

 

TBC