Fushigi Yuugi Fan Fiction ❯ Dear Kourin ❯ Untitled ( One-Shot )

Dear Kourin

Konnichiwa, minna-san!! This is a one-shot fic, and it is specially dedicated to Nuriko no mikos, for being a Nuriko fan and the best beta-reader in the world!! ^^ Okay, back to this fic, this is actually written in letterform by our beloved Nuriko to his deceased sister, Kourin, when he was in Genbu. Yes, Genbu, before that god awful incident…well, read it and tell me what you think about it!!

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Fushigi Yuugi.

Dear Kourin

Dear Kourin,

This is your onii-chan. How are you doing, my beloved imoto-chan, wherever you are now? Are you happy? I do not know why I am writing this letter to you, Kourin. Somehow, it felt extremely important for me to do so.

Do you know that it is so many years since we saw each other? I still remember the times when we played together in the courtyard, when we shared candy and got our mouths all sticky and red. Kaa-san was so mad…demo, those were the times of our lives, ne?

I never did know why Suzaku would want to take you away so soon, but I guess that you must have been so good that he can't wait to have you by his side…

Do you know, Kourin, that when you left me, all I had wanted to do was to hide somewhere and never come out? I had believed that if I hid long enough, you'd come and find me, just as you always did whenever we played hide-and-seek.

But you never came, and my hopes died.

It was as if another part of me was gone…as if I am already dead…which was why I started dressing like a girl.

Like you.

Somehow, I figured that as long as I dressed like you, looked like you, and lived life as you would have lived, you would still be alive. You would still be there beside me, my ever-loving sister.

And maybe, just maybe, I won't feel so lost, so numb anymore.

Hmm…foolish isn't it?

I know what you would call me if you ever saw me doing anything like this.

Ryuu-chan no baka.

But even as absurd as it sounded, whenever I am putting on any make-up or clothed in any pretty dresses, it was as if you were in the same room with me. I'd picked your favorites and it was as if you were really there.

Do you still remember your favorite word, Kourin?

It was the willow.

Do you still remember why?

I do.

It was because of the mark on my chest, isn't it?

I remember that when we were young, I used to hate that horrible blemish and often scrubbed my chest raw to try to get rid of it. However you stopped all attempts of that removal when you told me that it was your favorite word. From that moment on, I was never prouder of that seishi symbol than I ever had before.

I know you have seen the similarities between willow and me, ne, omoto-chan? I remembered how you always told me so.

You always believed that like the willow, I would be strong enough to bend, not break, right?

I think that you were right in a way.

Like a willow, I'd survive no matter what.

But when you died, I didn't want to live on anymore. I wanted to kill myself too, just to be with you.

But I can't do it.

Do you know why?

It is because of that dratted symbol on my chest.

I'd see it and I'd think: "Kourin always says how much I resembles a willow in characteristics; bend, not break. Strong. If I were to join her now, what would she think?"

I could not do it.

Could not kill myself.

What a coward I was.

I was afraid to face you.

To see your disappointment.

So, I chose to live, to at least try to be what you envisioned me to be.

Strong.

Sometimes, I stop to wonder what life would be like if you were to be still alive. Would I still be a crossdresser, or would I have been someone else?

Don't fret, Kourin, for I had no regrets choosing to dress as a woman. I know that you would feel terrible if you believed that you were the one who made me become what I am today.

It is not your fault, silly.

It wasn't anyone's.

Besides, if not for you, I do not think that I would meet them…you know, the ones you always told me about?

The ones who would accept me unconditionally, imperfectness and all?

You were right.

They accepted me for who I am. It didn't really matter to them that I was a crossdresser or something. They did not spite me for that when most would.

For the first time in my life since your passing, I belonged.

Finally, after years of being isolated, being trapped behind a lonely façade, I was free.

I truly belonged.

I thought that I would never feel that way again, but they proved me wrong.

All of their warm personalities were so real.

Unpretending.

Genuine.

And they melted away all my defenses.

They scaled the walls that I had erected around myself with no difficulty at all, and very soon, I was a part of them.

Yes, I'd admit that it was our seishi symbols that brought us together at first, but other emotions like friendship, love, joy…they bound us all together even more tighter than ever.

Yes, we were bonded.

Miaka, Hotohori-sama, Tamahome, Chichiri, Tasuki, Mitsukake and Chiriko.

You know, Kourin, if you were still alive, you would have loved Hotohori-sama. I'd admit that that was part of the reason why I loved him. Because I knew that you would. He is kind, gentle, and so in love with himself. A narcissist, some may say, but I know that you would find him endearing.

Tamahome. So courageous, so in love with our miko. I swear that his love for Miaka would one day transcend time and space.

Chichiri. Ahh…a man behind a mask. So much like me. He just chose to hide behind a smiling face instead. A man full of past sorrows, but yet, he is one of the pillars in our group.

Tasuki. Sometimes, I wonder if Suzaku picked Tasuki as his seishi because of the fact that the redhead embodies himself. A man of fiery passion, fierce loyalty, and deep love and concern for his friends.

Mitsukake. We didn't really have much time to get to know about each other. Yet, his keen enjoyment and appreciation for simple pleasures had touched me to no bounds.

Chiriko. He was the smallest among us all, but the smartest. It must have been stressful for a little kid like him to take on the role as a seishi, protector of the miko. But yet, he still did it. He could have abandoned us to pursue his beloved studies, but he did not. I really admire the boy.

And lastly, Miaka. Our miko. The one who taught me to live again. Do you know, Kourin, that she was the one who made me realize that it was well past time to let you go? Nobody ever managed to do that, but yes, she did it. This baka, greedy, impossibly cheerful and happy girl did it.

Teaching me to live again.

To let go.

To love.

Yes, omoto-chan. I am in love.

In love with my miko.

Who loves Tamahome.

Stupid, isn't t?

I know that what I feel for Miaka would never be known by anyone else but me.

I also know that Tamahome and Miaka should and would belong together forever.

That I have no chance whatsoever.

I should just forget about the whole thing.

Yet…

Yet, somewhere deep inside me, the hope refuses to die.

Maybe…

Just maybe…

Do you think that Miaka might love me back just a little, Kourin? Do you?

I don't think so…

But still…

But still nothing.

I am really so gullible sometimes, little sister. Don't mind me. Forget about what I just said.

I should be happy with what I have now.

I really should.

I don't know why I am still so unsatisfied.

For even if she doesn't love me that way, I know that she does love me as a best friend, a beloved brother.

I should be glad.

Glad for having met all of them.

So you see, Kourin, I really didn't regret crossdressing after all.

Not when it has given me so much.

Do you know, Kourin, that I would gladly die for each and everyone of them just for their ready acceptance of me?

Not that I want to die so soon, so don't you worry.

If Suzaku would allow it, I'd like to live a little longer, to spend more time with all of them so that when it is really time for me to go, I'll go with no regrets.

I'll go with no regrets because by then, hopefully I would have enough memories of all of them to last me an eternity.

If I die…

I'm not afraid of death, really. I understand that this is part of life. Everyone must go through it. Some go early, some late. But no one can escape this and thus, I accept it.

If I die…

I think that it would be an honor to die for my friends, fellow seishi and beloved miko, ne?

If I die…

One thing though, I hope that I would die with dignity. Strength. It wouldn't do otherwise, right? How am I going to face you otherwise?

If I die…

It won't be that bad right? Death? For I know that you will be waiting for me.

The two of us would be together again, and we'd share candy till we get all sticky and red.

We'd play dress up together and…

And this time around, when we play hide-and-seek…

I'll find you.

Your ever-loving onii-chan,

Chou Ryuen

Heheh…I really, REALLY hope that this fic is not too OOC. I know that Nuriko normally does not speak in such as somber tone, but if you saw the TV series, you'd see that whenever Nuriko talks about Kourin, he'd get very serious and angsty. So I hope you peeps understand the reason for this letter's solemnity.

And as for readers being confused by imoto-chan and omoto-chan, let me assure you people that it is deliberate. I know that imoto-chan means younger sister and omoto-chan means a type of plant of the lily species. I had thought that Nuriko would be the type to, you know, give his sister a sweet nickname like that. And I think that if Kourin is anything like her brother, she deserves an endearment like that too. ^^ So, that's my explanation…

And Nuriko no mikos? Thanks for your help and your generous compliments…you are a great a supporter of my fics and I hope that we can have more than an author-reader relationship. I hope that we can be friends. What say you, ne? ^^

So readers, please, PLEASE review!! As I said earlier, this is my first time writing a one-shot fic, so I don't really know how well or badly done this fic is…so I need the feedback of you guys!! Please review, onegai? I am counting on you people!! Don't disappoint me, okay? Until then, ja!! ^^