Warnings: Slash (of course), Light Angst, Lime, Sap.

Disclaimer: I do not own Tasuki, Chichiri or Fushigi Yuugi. If I did, Tasuki would've ended up with Chichiri (of course), Nuriko with Hotohori, Miaka with Yui, and Tamahome would've ended up getting reincarnated into a certain (much sexier) 1/3 golem, 1/3 human 1/3 brau demon chimera and coming home with me. ^_~

AN: This is sort of a reprise of Solace (posted at www.mediaminer.org) from Chichiri's POV. Like it's predecessor, it isn't particularly original or different. I had a bad case of writer's block and when I sat down to write, this is what came out. It's a much angstier Chiri my usual, but hopefully it still fits the character. Er, also normally I'd have proofread it a bit more, but … well, enough apologizing. I just hope it's not boring.

Like its predecessor, the mood of this piece (mainly the second half) was inspired by a song. For the interested, the song is ABC's "Be Near Me".

I know this is getting long (so what's new?), but I do want to make it clear that I did not tone this down to comply with ff.net's rules…it's a lime rather than a lemon because that's how I wanted to write it. ^_^

Reasons

by Xellas M.

Chichiri was staring again, at everything and at nothing in particular. Not that an onlooker would have been able to tell, his mask concealed more than an ugly scar from those around him. Undetected and unnoticed, he watched the friendly patrons of this completely average inn, people whose lives were settled, orderly…people who belonged. He had begun to wonder more and more often lately what it would be like to experience life like a normal person, what it would feel like to touch another person, to let someone get close.

A young couple dissolved into giggles near the bar, obviously as drunk on each other as they were on the establishment's potables. The girl eventually collapsed into her boyfriend's arms, smiling, filled with the joy in life that comes to couples newly in love. He smiled briefly behind his mask, happy for them, and said a quick prayer to Suzaku that their love should stay true.

Eventually his companion returned, a bottle of sake and two bowls balanced perfectly in his rough-looking hands. Tasuki always brought back two bowls, even though Chichiri almost never joined him in his carousing.

But tonight a drink sounded very good to the monk. It wasn't that he particularly enjoyed the taste of sake, and he definitely did not care for the loss of control that the alcohol would cause. What he craved was the companionship brought about through the ritual of drinking. He simply wanted to be as close to the bandit as possible.

It did not matter that Chichiri's feelings, which had long since crossed the boundaries of friendship, would not be returned. The monk loved without attachment or expectations. He wanted only to share the younger man's happiness and sorrow, to be there if he was needed. It had taken a cruel lesson for the monk to understand what love truly meant but he had learned it well.

He picked up the nondescript sake bowl and drank its contents quickly, ignoring the surprised expression on the bandit's face.

"Chichiri?" The redhead asked when he set down his own empty glass. His beautiful face looked deeply concerned, a look it was beginning to wear too often.

"Hai, no da?" The mage let his mask reply brightly, hoping to reassure the younger man. It wasn't right for Tasuki to worry about him.

"You've been awfully quiet lately and now you're drinkin'. Is everythin' OK?"

"Just fine, na no da! Ne, I hear there's some very good fishing in the lake nearby, no da. I was hoping we'd have a chance to find out if it's true, no da." It wasn't actually a lie. And there really wasn't anything wrong anyway, nothing at all. No da. The monk poured himself and his friend another drink.

The bandit's shoulders slumped. True to form, he drained his cup before standing and speaking. "Look, I'm tired an' I'm just gonna head up to bed." Without another word, he turned and headed for their room.

Behind the mask, the mage's face crumpled in fear and rejection. He had done something wrong, said something wrong, and now instead of laughing with his friend he was sitting alone in a room full of people. He had to make this right! Absently, he drank his own share before heading after his fellow seishi.

He arrived at their room only to find Tasuki sitting on one of the two narrow beds, stroking Tama and staring into the fire. Cautiously, he sat down next to his reason for living.

"Tasuki-kun?"

The redhead did not look up until Chichiri gently rested a hand on his shoulder. When the fire seishi finally did raise his head, his expression was hurt.

"What did I do? Ya always used ta take me seriously, even when no one else would. Now you're shutting me out. Dammit, Chiri, why won't ya talk ta me anymore?"

Remorse came crashing down on the monk. Without hesitation, he pulled the paper mask from his face. "I'm sorry, Tasuki. I never meant - "

"To hell with what ya meant, I just want to know why." The normally hot-tempered bandit did not sound angry. Pain filled his golden eyes. "You're hidin' something."

"I suppose I am."

The admission startled the redhead. He waited, uncharacteristically quiet, for Chichiri to continue.

There was no way to back out of this now. Part of the mage really did want to talk about his feelings, but he had to figure out how to do so without forcing the younger man to openly reject him. Putting the highly sensitive man in a position like that would be worse than having allowed him to see that something was wrong in the first place. Best to keep this general and not the redhead guess it had anything to do with him.

"Tasuki, you've…been…well, intimate…with someone, right?"

The redhead nodded, shocked. A deep blush began working its way across his face.

"But you haven't for a long time now." Chichiri continued. "I guess I'm wondering why. Don't you miss being with someone? It's supposed to be the most beautiful thing in the world, isn't it?"

Tasuki shrugged. His voice was more bitter than the monk had ever heard it and his face now rivaled the flames from his tessen. "It was nice. I don't suppose I'm an expert, seein' as the first couple times were at a brothel, an' the only time after that was when I almost fuckin' raped Miaka."

"You didn't hurt her, Tasuki." Chichiri reminded him, giving his friend's shoulder a gentle squeeze. He understood the younger man's guilt all too well.

Wordlessly, Tasuki accepted the offered support, and then continued. "An' since then, it's been just us, an' we've been on the road, an' I've been happy. Why are ya askin', do ya got a girlfriend or somethin?" The strong muscles in the fire seishi's shoulder tightened under Chichiri's hand as he waited for the answer.

Barely aware that he was doing it, the older man began lightly rubbing the tension from his friend's back. "No, it's not like that. It's just…I'm 27 years old. I've never even kissed anyone. There's never been anyone, no one who stayed with me. Sometimes, lately, I've just felt a little disconnected, that's all. It will pass. So you see, nothing is wrong, at all. I'm very sorry to have worried you, no da!"

Chichiri was very proud that he had managed to say these things to Tasuki without blushing or stammering, without giving himself away - until he realized that at some point during this speech, he had gone from massaging his friend's shoulder to playing with the younger man's long red hair. He snatched his hand away as quickly as if the soft tendrils really were made of the fire they resembled.

Numbly, he stared down at the offending hand, now curled innocently in his lap. Since when did his body start acting on its own? What did all his training and discipline count for, if he couldn't even control himself that much?

He glanced up, guilt stricken. He met the bandit's eyes for only a fraction of a second but it was long enough to confirm his worst fears. The look on his friend's face left no room for doubt.

Tasuki knew.

Immediately, the monk dropped his gaze, but it was too late.

"Chichiri." Tasuki's voice was barely a whisper.

The monk could not look up and meet his friend's eyes. He only wanted to go somewhere quiet and meditate until his feelings were under control again -early next month, if he was lucky. "Th- thank you for listening, Tasuki-kun no da."

Hurriedly, he stood and began blindly stumbling towards his own bed. On the way he started to lift his mask to cover his blushing face, needing its protection now more than he ever had.

He did not make it very far. A strong, calloused hand shot out and grabbed him firmly by the wrist, forcing him to drop his paper smile.

The monk sighed, but still did not turn around. "You don't have to say anything, Tasuki. It's alright."

"Oh, good." Mischief stole into the bandit's voice as he continued, "Then ya won't mind if I do this."

One sharp tug on the completely unsuspecting man's arm, and Chichiri found himself turned around and pitched forward onto the taller seishi's chest. Tasuki's free arm wrapped around his friend and pulled him closer. Releasing the monk's wrist, the redhead gently tipped Chichiri's chin up, forcing the older man to meet his eyes.

What Chichiri saw there caused his heart to race painfully. His own arms slowly encircled the bandit. He stood silently for a small space of forever, treasuring the feeling of his love's heart beating against his chest.

"Chiri, I'm here. I'm not goin' anywhere. And I need ya." The admission was breathed softly in the blue-haired man's ear as the bandit clutched him even tighter.

Ever so slightly, the monk pulled back from the embrace, creating just enough distance so that he could bring his lips to his friend's. Everything around them seemed to fade away. If this would be allowed, if Tasuki would let himself be kissed, then no matter what happened afterward, Chichiri would have at least a memory of contact and shared warmth to keep with him until the end of his days. This thought drove the monk on, made him capture the younger man's mouth with his own.

Tasuki's lips were soft, so warm and sweet, so gentle as they pressed into his own. The older man felt his love trembling against him and was awed to think that it was his touch, his kiss that the redhead wanted. The bandit's arms loosened their hold slightly, allowing his hands to begin moving up the monk's back. It was all too much. Chichiri pulled away, but only a little, lightheaded from the overabundance of sensation to which he was entirely unaccustomed.

He opened his eye only to find the redhead smiling at him, his normally fierce expression softer than the monk had ever seen it. "Well?" The fire seishi asked, his rough voice breaking. So much hope was given voice through that single word.

There was only one answer. Chichiri pulled the younger man back to him, knowing that there was more and wanting all of it, everything Tasuki was willing to give. Their lips met again, this time firmly and almost at once opening completely. The well seishi could now taste his lover and he was intoxicating. This was a new way of touching, so intimate, a feeling he could never have imagined, though he had tried through so many lonely nights. It tingled up and down his spine like his magic but was so much warmer. Comforting, but it also made his need something more immediate than anything he had ever experienced.

Somehow in their embrace the pair ended up on the bed. Tasuki's hands were on the monk's body now, touching him, opening his clothing. Every inch of pale skin the redhead caressed remembered the sensation and wanted more. Eventually, in his desperate need for contact, Chichiri ripped off the bandit's jacket, popping several buttons. Their naked chests met, hard smooth bodies gliding together, their arousals rubbing against each other through the thin pants that were all that separated them.

Tasuki gulped and backed away a little, shivering from the effort of control. Chichiri groaned and tried to bring his lover back into their embrace, only to stop trying for that or for anything at all when the redhead untied the cord at his waist and slipped his hand inside the blue-haired seishi's pants. Whimpering, the older man watched his lover's hand disappear. Tasuki was going to touch him there, was going to…

Lifting himself up slightly, the monk slid down his green linen pants. In his secret fantasies, he had dreamt of the redhead doing this and more. Now that it was really happening he wanted to see it. He wanted to remember.

The mage almost jumped off the bed at the first light stroke. Things were moving so fast, his own body moving light years ahead of his thoughts. The monk knew he wasn't going to last very long; he was way too aroused and did not even want to fight it. He almost stopped breathing when he watched Tasuki's hand curl around his shaft. Briefly, he glanced up at the younger man's face. Pure lust, intense desire, and something still deeper burned in the redhead's amber eyes as he touched Chichiri. It was this look that finally made the monk completely lose control.

Still trembling and twitching in the aftermath, not waiting at all to recover, Chichiri brought the redhead back to him. He kissed the younger man deeply, his heart and his body in perfect synch now, his mind still reeling from the speed at which his greatest hopes were being fulfilled. Carefully, so as not to fall off their narrow bed, he rolled the younger seishi beneath him.

Reluctantly, he broke their kiss, wanting to breathe Tasuki's scent, to taste his tanned skin, to touch as he had been touched. Very lightly, he stroked the younger man's firm chest, carefully tracing the contours of muscle and bone with his fingertips. Apparently he was a little too gentle; the redhead squirmed in discomfort.

"Harder, that tickles." Tasuki managed to gasp out.

"Sorry." The monk breathed, distracted even as he increased the pressure of his hands. He was completely mesmerized by the vision below him. Lowering his head to his partner's neck, he tasted hot skin, his face partly buried in that amazing red hair as he moved his lips up to the fire seishi's ear.

Tasuki cried out and began rubbing himself into Chichiri's body. The monk began to suspect that his partner wasn't going to last any longer than he had. But before this could end, he wanted to feel all of Tasuki, to hold his naked body close. He pulled at the ties to the younger man's pants, pulling the soft fabric down and off. This proved more difficult than the monk had at first expected, for in his passion he had forgotten to remove the bandit's boots. Finally, the persistent seishi managed the task, his eye drinking in the sight of the young, flushed, and aroused man whom he loved more than anything on their world or in Heaven.

Again, they kissed, their bodies crushed together. Again, Tasuki began grinding into his partner, his hands gripping the older man's hips firmly in place. Still fairly sated from his release, the mage now could focus on the fulfillment of an entirely different type of need. Tasuki was a creature of passion, filled with the life and heat that Chichiri had been missing. The monk found that and more in the rhythm of their entwined bodies, the physical meeting the spiritual in the most natural and perfect way possible. Their dance continued until the redhead's face contorted in passion and he cried Chichiri's name in his ecstasy as warm liquid shot between their tightly pressed bodies.

Long after Tasuki had settled, the pair still lay gently kissing, stroking each other now not out of lust but for the comfort and sheer joy of their closeness. Eventually, between breaths, the monk nerved himself to ask the question that had begun screaming at him the moment his mind caught up with his actions.

"Tasuki, why?" Chichiri didn't want to admit even to himself how afraid he was that the younger man had done this simply because it was convenient, or worse yet, out of pity. The time to have clarified that point had long passed. Still, he had to know.

"Because I love you." The fire seishi replied as though it should have been obvious.

Not alone, Chichiri would never be alone again. Somehow, Tasuki had seen past everything that had hidden the monk from the rest of the world and accepted him, had given him love. The monk reached out once more, trembling as he slowly demonstrated to the fire seishi with his voice and his body what lay in his heart.

~Owari

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