Fushigi Yuugi Fan Fiction ❯ The Emperor's New Look ❯ The Stupidity Begins ( Chapter 3 )

[ P - Pre-Teen ]

hc: I have returned, after a period of EVIL WRITER'S BLOCK!!!!!!!!!!
**The FY characters sigh**
Nuriko: We're gonna miss that writer's block she had...
hc: Acutally, I didn't have writer's block --- it was more like TYPIST'S block,
since I gotta type every freakin' day, I get so sick of it. I might possibly even
be getting Carpal Tunnel syndrome. So this is sorta hard to type out, and that's
why I took so long with this chappie.
Chiriko: Excuses, excuses...
Tasuki: *covers the kid's mouth* Not that we're complaining or anythin'!!!!
hc: Wait your turn, Tasuki. You'll be in it soon enough.
Tasuki: WHAT THE HELL???!!! What's my part???
hc: Geez, I think that Hotohori's complaining less than all of you, and he has more
of a reason to. Okay, you guys, do I own Fushigi Yuugi?
FY cast: Fools do not invent such clever stories.
hc: Right! HEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYY-
Groove cast: You don't own us either!!
hc: Of course not, you guys. I also do not own Final Fantasy VIII. Now without
further ado, I shall begin again...!
Tasuki: You can't start without tellin' me -

Chapter 3 - The Stupidity Begins (hc: Apparently, I did ^_^)

**Nakago grabbed the comatose emperor around the skinny neck, and stuffed his limp body into a bag, thinking it a brilliant plan to dispose of him, and without anybody seeing who it was inside the bag.**

Nakago: Now how shall I pull this off...?

**our genius wondered to himself, though just the other chapter he had given many suggestions for how the emperor could be killed. He decided he would think about it while taking Hotohori out of town. Once out of town, he could do anything he pleased, without any prying eyes to discourage him.**

Nakago: Tra-la-la-la-la-la-la-la, la la la LLLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA................

**The Seiryuu seishi sang to himself, looking much like Saint Nick with a sack over his shoulders. Various villagers covered their ears, and one of them had the nerve to yell out,**

Villager: Shut the hell up!!!

**At once, Nakago glared at him, a fierce beam coming from his eyes promptly burning the fool.**

Unfortunate Villager: O_O .................................................................. X_X

**Nakago looked challengingly at the rest of the villagers, who ducked out of sight immediately. Going back to his unharmonious singing, he continued to think to himself about how he would dispose of the emperor. Apparently, it was too much to grasp, because he fell unconscious from mind strain. At which I have to go wake him up.**

hc: NAKAGO!!! WAKE UP!!!!!!!!

Nakago: I only listen to Lady Yui...

hc: Hey, I'm the authoress, I have more powers than a silly little miko any day.

Yui/Miaka: Wanna bet?

hc: Hell yeah!!

Some dude: CAT FIGHT!!!

Miaka: *summons Suzaku* HAVE SOME A' THIS!!!!

Yui: *summons Seiryuu* TAKE THAT, BITCH!!!!

Chichiri: How will the authoress survive, no da?

Tasuki: Five ryo says she won't.

Chichiri: I do not gamble, no da.

Tamahome: I DO!!!!!!!! I bet 10 full ryo that hime-chan will win!!

Miaka: Tamahome...!! ;_;

Tasuki: You're on, Tama-chan!!

hc: *summons Shiva, which takes a MILLION years*

Everyone: ZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZ.......

hc: Agh, taking - too - long....... must - summon -something - ELSE -
*Summons an almighty pen, in addition to a computer keyboard, hurling it
at the sleeping mikos*

Yui: *unconscious from getting knocked out by the keyboard*

Miaka: *screams* Ack! Ack! Get the ink off!!! Get OFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!

hc: 'The pen is truly mightier than the sword.' Okay, go get cleaned up
for the next part, Miaka.

Miaka: *storms off in a huff*

hc: Sorry about the demonstration, there was no point to it, except to prove
my powers are absolute, and now Tamahome is 10 ryo richer.

Tamahome: ^________________________^

Tasuki: We'd better get fat paychecks for our roles, that's all I can say...

**Okay, Nakago finally listened to me and got up, taking the bag with him. He didn't pass out this time, because he read the script I gave him, so he had no need to think about how to dispose of the emperor. The blonde general stepped onto a bridge that spanned a rather large river, and stopped.**

Nakago: This will be far easier than walking all the way out of town to kill him.

**With that, Nakago heaved the bag over the side of the bridge, watching it with a dumbstruck look on his face. And he turned away from the sight.**

Voice: Are you just gonna let him die like that?

**Nakago glanced around, and seeing nobody, he kept walking. But the voice came again, more urgently,**

Voice: The palace torture chamber would have killed him more gruesomely!!

Nakago: Who's there?

**Suddenly, Nakago's shoulder angel (or was it a devil? Who can tell?) appeared, where else but on his shoulder. Nakago's eyes bugged out, and he fell over in surprise. The angel/devil leaped down, staring him in the face.**

Nakago: Are you my shoulder angel?

Devil: No, I'm not. He's late.

Angel: Sorry, I'm late.

**Nakago glanced from one to the other, finally concluding,**

Nakago: I can't tell you apart.

Devil: Well, it's not too hard. See, you must just listen to our preferred
methods of killing Emperor Hotohori.

Nakago: I'm listening.

Devil: I say kill the emperor in the torture chamber... *rubs hands together,
as he brandishes his whip*

Angel: And I say kill him by letting him fall off the waterfall.

Nakago: Oh so you're the nice guy *points to angel*

Angel: Yeah.

Devil: Wouldn't ya rather have lots of BLOOD??!!

Angel: EEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWW, blood is dirty!!! Can't he have
a nice, clean death by breaking his skull on the rocks below?

Devil: It's not death without the sight of BLOOD.

Nakago: Okay, you're scaring me.

Angel: Come on, kiddo. Just leave him.

Devil: You're missing out on the opportunity of a lifetime.

Nakago: What opportunity is that? I can torture any other guy I want.

Devil: Yeah, but have they ever been royalty?????

Nakago: *thinks about it for half a second* That's so true!!!!

**He dashed after the bag, which was drifting fast down the river. Our villian jumped into the river, trying to stay the bag with his body, but he only succeeded in putting himself in as much danger as the emperor.**

Nakago: Why do I have to do such stupid things?

hc: *laughing head off*

**Nakago realized that he must not fall off the waterfall, just because the authoress is having too much fun torturing him. Also, he wanted to prove to Lady Yui that he could be trusted with this task. He spied an overhanging branch just ahead of him, and reaching up, he grabbed hold of it. However, he was now stuck there.**

Nakago: I gotta do something...

**the bad guy thought. Then a brilliant idea hit him (for once). He summoned his chi, and lifted the emperor inside the bag-**

hc: HEEEEEEEEYYY!!!! You're not allowed to use powers!!!!!!!

Nakago: What do you think they did? *points to Miaka and Yui*

hc: Oh I give up. Use your powers only to help the storyline, though. But if I see you torture Tamahome or anyone else, I'll
get my pen out, and then you will SEE what true power IS!!!!

Nakago: *shivers* As you wish.

**Given my permission, Nakago floated the emperor safely out of the water, but the mind strain was too much (poor guy, huh...?) and he let Hotohori fall to the ground, bouncing down a flight of steps until he landed into a cart. But Nakago, for some reason, couldn't do the same for himself.**

Nakago: You WANT me to fall down the stairs????

hc: *gets mental image, yet again*

Soi: I can't stand it!!!!

hc: No, Soi! Calm down, it's not real!!!

Soi: But- he's going to fall down a waterfall!!! I must save him!! *jumps into the water*

hc: Great...

Nakago: Soi, what are you doing??? You can't swim!

Soi: Oh yeah, I can't... Nakago, save me!!

Nakago: <_>

hc: Can someone save these hopeless people???!!!

Mitsukake: Why don't we let them die and let Shoka resurrect them?

hc: No way, they'll be zombies.

Tasuki: I'm not saving a Seiryuu seishi.

All Suzaku seishi: Me either.

hc: Okay then, Suboshi!!!

Suboshi: *appears out of nowhere, and launches his whip out to
grab Nakago's ankle, pulls them to safety*

hc: Finally!

**Nakago got up and chased after the cart, which belonged to the poor villager, Tamahome. He didn't realize the extra weight on his cart, however, being depressed and all.**

Nakago: Hey you!! Wait!!

**But Tamahome didn't hear, and he disappeared into the crowd with his horse drawn carriage, and unknowingly, the emperor of Konan. In his haste to catch up, Nakago tripped, landing on the ground, and the passing crowd left boot prints all over him.**

Nakago: *groaning* I give up... *hobbles back to the palace*

**Tamahome, having just come out of the doctor's office where he dropped off that bandit, did not notice his extra baggage. He did notice, however, that his horse seemed a little edgy. Gently he stroked the horse's snout.**

Tamahome: Hey, let's get home, girl. Although it won't be much of a
home if Miaka's not there...

hc: *crying eyes out, yet continuing to narrate*

**The young man made his way out of the town - down along the path, across a rickety old bridge, then finally up a tall mountain where he lived with his family. His children came out to happily greet him...**

Tasuki: *dressed in a tiny blue skirt, with his red hair in a ponytail on top of his head*
There is no *^&*%*$&* 'in way I'm &&*&** 'in doing this!!!

Nuriko: *dressed in a pink dress with pigtails on both sides of his head, running by and knocking Tasuki over*
DAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDYYYY!!!!!

Tamahome: Hey, there kids! *picks up Nuriko* What'd you do while I was gone?

Nuriko: Me and mommy went shopping today, and I drew a picture of Tasuki.
*thrusts a picture in his face*

Tamahome: What's he doing?

Nuriko: Burning the old field where the sheep graze.

Tamahome: Don't tell me it was a life drawing.

Tasuki: *grinning, brandishing the tessen*

Tamahome: I thought I took that thing away from you!

Tasuki: MOM took it away, but I found it in your bed.

Tamahome: MIAKA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Miaka: *from inside the house* What is it, dear?

Tamahome: Our SON is burning things again! I thought you said you were gonna
sell that damn thing LONG ago!!!!

Miaka: *emerges from the house, slowly due to the extra bulk she carried from pregnancy*
Sorry, Tamahome, but he must have gotten a hold of it while Nuriko and I went shopping.

**Tamahome's anger melted, when he realized what the emperor had demanded of him. Still, he gaped at his wife, unable to believe that she was Suzaku no miko, and now his whole family was in a dilemma. He wouldn't let the emperor have her.**

Tamahome: Oh, that's all right, Miaka. But-
*grabs the tessen off Tasuki*

Tasuki: Hey, give that back, you %&&*#$&%^&*^%&*!!!!!
*^&*$%&*^&*^&*%!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Miaka: Where did he ever learn that horrible language?

Tamahome: It wasn't me. It must be his friend Koji down the road.

Nuriko: *mouth hanging open* Dad, Tasuki's being a bad boy!!

Tamahome: TASUKI, GO TO YOUR ROOM!!

Tasuki: Dammit...

**The fanged kid trudged past his mother Miaka, but did not go up to his room without first making a face at the people outside. Then he ran laughing up the stairs. Tamahome turned to Nuriko.**

Tamahome: Nuriko, it's time you went to bed.

Nuriko: Okay, Daddy. *runs off behind Tasuki*

**Once Nuriko left, Miaka dropped to the floor, holding a hand to her forehead. Tamahome raced up to his wife, taking hold of her shoulders.**

Miaka: I'm so sorry Tamahome. I'm such an idiot, now the sheep have
no where to graze.

Tamahome: Don't worry, Miaka. I know you're stressed out, but you've
gotta think of the baby.

Miaka: Relax, it's not coming for awhile. Oh yeah, while I'm thinking of it -
what did the emperor want?

**Tamahome paused, not sure if he should break the news to his wife that the emperor wanted her for his empress. So, quickly, he thought up another explanation.**

Tamahome: Uh, he couldn't see me.

Miaka: Couldn't see you? What does that mean?

Tamahome: Well, he's the emperor. He was probably busy-

Miaka: What an obnoxious jerk! Geez, he may be the emperor, but can't
he show some common courtesy? Arrgh, that pisses me off so much,
I just - uh, I gotta eat something.

**As Miaka made her way to the fridge, Tamahome continued to think of some way to break the news to her. Then it hit him.**

Tamahome: Say, Miaka? What do you think about leaving town?

Miaka: Huh? Why?

Tamahome: Well, there's really nothing here in Konan for us. I mean, Tasuki just
burned our fields... Boy, am I ever glad I have a credible reason for leaving...

Miaka: Where would we go?

Tamahome: I don't know... I'd have to think about it.

Miaka: Maybe... if you're convinced it would help the family.

Tamahome: It will. Here, I'd better go tether up the horse.

**Tamahome left, passing by the wagon. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw an extra large bag sitting upright in his wagon. Curious, he opened it and peeked inside.**

Tamahome: What the hell-? What's a peacock doing in here?

**Our greedy hero began imagining all the money he would make selling this creature, a tiny drool mark appearing on his lower lip, when the peacock stirred.**

Hotohori: Dear Suzaku, I have a headache.

Tamahome: *falling backwards* Oh my god, it's Suzaku!!!!!

Hotohori: WHERE???!!!

**The transformed emperor began flapping his new wings in excitement, but only succeeded in falling forward at Tamahome's feet. He looked up, recognizing the man.**

Hotohori: Ah, I remember you. You were to deliver Suzaku no miko to me.

Tamahome: Emperor Hotohori???!!!

hc: Ha, a cliffy!!(yet again)

Chiriko: How long is this going to be? I have to write an exam.

hc: Take your breaks now. I'm not sure when the next chapter will be out.

Tasuki: Yeah, Tamahome. Give me back my tessen.

Tamahome: *grumbles, but hands it over*

hc: Sorry for the long wait, everyone. I've also been a bit depressed for awhile
so I didn't really feel like writing/typing. But I hoped you liked the chappie,
and torturing the FY characters really cheered me up.

FY cast: *slaps me on the back*

hc: *falls to the floor* They're so kind... *flops*