Fushigi Yuugi Fan Fiction ❯ To the Moon and Back ❯ One-Shot

by: AniDragon
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It seemed like a long time as he stood in front of the mirror of his room. He traced his reflection's face with his finger: the feminine features, the locks of thick purple hair, the magenta eyes. He studied them for a long time, trying to get his thoughts cleared. He didn't know how long it had been since he had begun to dress like his sister. Had it been eight years already? He bit back his tears as he thought this. Yes, eight years had passed since he had last been truly happy. He knew everyone else from the harem knew he was unhappy. He was sure none of them knew the real reason, even Houki, who knew most of his secrets, didn't know, but still, he heard people talk. He wasn't deaf.

~He's taking his time making up the reasons
To justify all the hurt inside
Guess he knows from the smiles
And the look in their eyes
Everyone's got a theory about the bitter one~

There were many different rumors about why "Lady Kourin" was always depressed. Some thought that she had previously had an abusive lover. Or perhaps it was her parents that were the abusive ones? Most of the rumors circled around the theory that something bad had happened to "her" in the past, and they were right, for the most part. But none of them had truly deciphered the real source of his unhappiness. Contrarily to what he himself had once believed, it wasn't his sister's death, or even the harsh reactions from his family that made him unhappy. No, it was the bitter feeling in the pit of his stomach that was telling him that he had been wasting his life throughout the past eight years. He knew he was a warrior of Suzaku, and thus should probably train his powers, or try to find the priestess. Anything but trying to live his dead sister's life! Yet, this was what he was doing...

~They're saying
Mama never loved him much
And daddy never keeps in touch
That's why he shies away
from human affection
But somewhere in a private place
He packs his bags for outer space
And now he's waiting for
The right kind of pilot to come
(and he'll say to her)~

Lately, he had been trying to deny that fact by making himself believe that he was in love with his majesty. After all, heika was also a Suzaku warrior, so it really wouldn't be a waste. And maybe, just maybe, if he fell in love, and was loved in return, he could finally be truly happy, even without Kourin there... This was true, but lately, more then ever, he knew that he wasn't going to find love in the beautiful emperor. After all, he was a man dressing up like a woman! What kind of lover would he make to the ruler of the country? No, the emperor wouldn't do... He needed someone else... Someone who wasn't so preoccupied with important matters the way Hotohori was, and who wouldn't care about his gender or past.... But did someone like that really exist?

~He's saying
I would fly you to the moon and back
If you'll be, if you'll be my baby
Got a ticket for a world where we belong
So, would you be my baby?~

He sighed and leaned his head against the cool glass of the mirror. Truth be told, he was just about ready to give up. No one needed him. He was just worthless. He had almost no friends in the harem, and wasn't even allowed outside of it. Where was he to find a lover if he couldn't even get away from the confines of the harem?
He glanced at his closet, then knelt down to take out a box that was hidden in the back. He opened it and took out what was inside. Gray pants and a dark red silk tunic. He had bought the clothes some time ago, even if at the time he was still convinced he was meant to live Kourin's life. He slowly changed out of his fancy dress and took down his hair to put it in a braid. He looked at himself in the mirror once the new clothes were on. He could still be easily mistaken to be a girl, but he definitely looked more masculine. He tried to say something, but his mouth was dry. He swallowed, then tried again.
"I'm Ryuuen," He whispered to himself and to his reflection, "This is who I'm supposed to be... No... Wait... Ryuuen died a long time ago, at the same time as Kourin. I'm Nuriko. Suzaku no seishi. Sworn to protect the Suzaku no miko..."
He angrily punched the mirror, shattering it, "Is Suzaku no miko ever going to show up?!" He cried out as tears streamed down his face. If the miko wasn't going to arrive, was there really any point in him living anymore?

~He can't remember a time
When he felt needed
If love was red then he was colorblind
All his friends they've been tried for treason
And crimes that were never defined~

He picked up a piece of the shattered mirror, looking at it for long minutes. He looked at the reflection of his tear soaked face. Who was he really? He wanted to say that he was Nuriko, but how could he be Nuriko if the miko wasn't there? Nuriko just might as well die with Ryuuen and Kourin!
He bit his lip and brought the piece of glass up to his wrist. Still he hesitated. What if... What if he died, and then the miko would really come? He'd ruin any chance for her to summon Suzaku...
Suzaku... Where had Suzaku been all his life, when he really needed it? If Suzaku let his seishi suffer so much, then maybe he didn't deserve to be summoned!
"I'll be joining you soon, imouto..." He whispered, and then slashed his wrist with the broken piece from the mirror.

~He's saying
Love is like a barren place
And reaching out for human faith is
Is like a journey I just don't have a map for
So baby gonna take a dive and
push the shift to overdrive
Send a signal that he's hanging
all his hopes on the stars
(What a pleasant dream)~

He let out a small cry of pain and the sharp mirror dropped from his hand, shattering when it hit the ground. He tried to make himself ignore the pain, but it was overwhelming him. Still, it wasn't as large as the pain in his heart, so he forced himself to keep quiet.
"Kourin?!" A voice from outside the door shouted, "I heard a scream, is everything okay?"
Houki? He vaguely thought. His head was starting to spin from the loss of blood.
He bit his lip in regret. Houki had always been there for him. His best friend through thick and thin. Was it fair to let her find him like this?
"I'm fine," He called out as best he could, while hurriedly finding some bandages and wrapping up his bleeding wrist. For all he knew, it might have been too late. The blood was seeping through the bandages, so he tried wrapping them tighter. It helped. The bleeding stopped, but there was still a stain of blood on the bandages. He'd have to find a way to hide that...
"Kourin, can I come in? I'm sure I heard a scream, and--"
"I said I'm fine!" He said again, searching his head for an excuse, "The mirror fell, and it scared me, is all. Don't worry."
Maybe he just wasn't ready to die yet... He didn't know for sure... But more then anything, he didn't want to hurt the only friend he had. He quickly changed out of the tunic and put the dress back on, being careful not to put blood on it. He decided to keep his hair in the braid, for he was much too tired to put it back up... He glance at the blood that had spilled on the floor and felt the last of his strength leave him. He slipped into unconsciousness just as he heard the door open and Houki give out a small cry of fear.

~Just saying
I would fly you to the moon and back
If you'll be, if you'll be my baby
Got a ticket for a world where we belong
So, would you be my baby?~

He awoke when he felt a cold cloth touch his forehead. He opened his eyes, and for a moment he thought there was a mirror in front of him, only to realize it was really Houki. He tried to sit up, but Houki pushed him back down, "You shouldn't move too much, you lost a lot of blood."
He glanced at his wrist, only to see that the bandages had been changed. So she noticed, He thought bitterly.
She must have noticed his glance to his wrist, because she looked at him with the most pained look he had ever seen on her face, "What were you thinking?!" She shouted, "Do you have any idea how close that was?! Don't try to pretend that it happened when the mirror fell, I can tell it was intentional!" She wiped away a few stray tears, "Gods, I don't know what I'd do if I'd loose you. You're the only friend I have here! And besides, aren't you a Suzaku no seishi?! I was actually coming to tell you, there's rumors that the priestess has been found! How can you be thinking of killing yourself now, of all times!"
"The... priestess?" He asked, slowly sitting up. He ignored his spinning headache.
Houki's look turned into a small glare, "You're not thinking of going to meet her now, are you? You need rest. I'll try to find out more, and I'll come tell you."
He laid his head back down, vaguely noticing for the first time that he was on his bed, and that Houki had cleaned his room up a bit. He nodded, and she slowly walked towards the door, "Can I trust you to be by yourself?"
He let out a small laugh, "Don't worry, I'm too tired to try anything."
A small smile touched the girl's lips, "All right then. I'll be back soon. You'd better still be here when I do."
With this, she left the room. He closed his eyes, feeling sleep claim him. So tired...

~Mamma never loved him much
And daddy never keeps in touch
That's why he shies away
from human affection
But somewhere in a private place
He packs his bags for outer space
And now he's waiting for the right kind of pilot
To come (and he'll say to her)~

When he awoke again, Houki was once again in the room. She had a smile on her face, "The rumors were true! The priestess is really here!" She changed the cloth on his forehead and checked his pulse, "You seem to be doing better. With your strength, you'll be able to get up probably by the end of the day."
He smiled, sitting up. She handed him a glass of water and he drank it down slowly. He hadn't noticed how thirsty he was! When he finished the glass, he gave it back to her, "I want to go see the priestess," He told her. When she opened her mouth to object, he interrupted her, "Like you said, I'm strong. I'm okay to walk around. And the priestess is about all I have left to live for... I want to meet her..."
Houki nodded, "All right. I'll help you get dressed. You're definitely not strong enough to do that by yourself, and I'm the only one who knows your secret, so I'm stuck helping you."
He nodded, and slipped out of bed. As she helped him change, his thoughts drifted to the priestess. He hoped she was worth the wait, and that Suzaku had chosen a sensible girl. He didn't know if he'd be able to handle her if she was just some moron! Still he trusted Suzaku's judgment... somewhat....

~She's saying
I would fly you to the moon and back
If you'll be, if you'll be my baby
Got a ticket for a world where we belong
So, would you be my baby?~

Finally, he was ready to go see her. He glanced at his reflection in the broken mirror before leaving. Maybe... Maybe he could continue living Kourin's life, at least for a little while... But even as he thought that, he knew that now, he was truly Nuriko. That's what he would be known as from that day.

~I would fly you to the moon and back
If you'll be, if you'll be my baby
Got a ticket for a world where we belong
So, would you be my baby, yeah~

~Owari~

(A/N: Okay, so the story doesn't really follow the song by the end.... -_-; At least I tried, ne? Anyway, I hope you enjoyed! I've been in a songfic mood lately.... Anyway, please review!)