Fushigi Yuugi Fan Fiction ❯ Yui's Philosiphy ❯ Chapter six: Suboshi ( Chapter 6 )

Chapter six: Suboshi

Suboshi. He was one of my seishi. I feel like thinking about him today, so I will.

Damn me. He could have lived, went on living with his brother, but he didn't. He died for me. And what good came out of it? I really can't think of anything. He really did care for me, didn't he? And I couldn't even acknowledge his feelings with a simple, "I love you, too."

But I don't know if I loved him. Sure, I think about him a lot, and I get an odd feeling whenever I do. Sometimes, I expect to look behind me, and see him with his hand clasped on my shoulder, grinning. How am I supposed to know if I loved a dead person, eh? I can only assume that I do-but I don't know, I have been led astray by what I think to be my emotions many a time.

I thought that Nagako loved me. Which most certainly wasn't true-he was a heartless bastard with his mind set on not me, but what I could do for him. Perhaps Suboshi was the same way. However, I don't think so, because one could go so far as to say (and I did) that he died for me. There are other factors leading to his death, or so I think.

And I'm not only saying that to relieve myself of guilt. Sure, I feel bad that he had to die. One could say that he went after Miaka and Tamahome only because I hated them both, but I think it was also because he still had feelings of revenge for his brother's death, and wanted to fulfill that revenge.

I know…I too think that slaughtering Tamahome's siblings would have been enough to satisfy that, but I'm not him. I guess you're right…how can I be sure that he didn't do it entirely for me?

Damn. Now I'm feeling bad again.

Feeling bad for a boy who never existed-feeling bad for a boy, who, if you acknowledge his existence-is now dead, and I don't know why. All right. I'll say it. I just hope that he's listening. Suboshi, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I love you too-at least, I think so.