Gensomaden Saiyuki Fan Fiction / Saiyuki Reload Fan Fiction / Saiyuki Reload Gunlock Fan Fiction ❯ Enough is Enough ❯ Enough is Enough ( Chapter 1 )

Disclaimer: Don't own Saiyuki, though this fic is somewhat auto-biographical. (~_~)

 

Enough is Enough

 

The tears just wouldn't stop falling even when I try to wipe them away. God, the pain was unbearable and I just wanted to lash out at everyone. They keep telling me I waste too much of my time on a bastard like him, wasting my tears on someone who couldn't careless about me. It must've been so easy for him to hurt me like this, to just tear my heart into pieces. He never even changed after all those arguments, all those fights. He's such a bastard.

 

It was just one of those fights for him, one of those idiotic fights. He always thought that I was shallow, that all my thoughts were just muddled ideas pieced together. Did he ever really think about me? Did he ever really try to reach me? Self-righteous prick never really cared, never really minded me at all. God, I'm so tired from this fucking roller coaster ride. I just want everything to stop, just make all these painful emotions stop.

 

When he throws the harisen at me, I didn't mind, I just went straight for the door. I knew he was just having one of his fits, one of those uncontrollable raging fits he has when we fight. I knew I should retaliate but that would only escalate the fighting. We talked about it before that when we have fights we shouldn't aggravate it anymore. But isn't it unfair that I kept my end of the bargain and still he continues to get angry at me? I thought we were going to stick to the plan that we'll talk things over, hear each other's side, listen to what one has to say and get it over with. I guess I thought wrong.

 

But this evening, when he threw the harisen at me and started yelling about how inconsiderate I was, I felt like I was going to explode with so much unspoken anger. I let everything slide didn't I Sanzo? I took care of you when you were getting depressed by the rain. I bought your cigarettes and beer. I cradled your sleeping head on my lap when you said you wanted me to watch over you. Damn it, I gave you everything, changed everything about me so that you'd love me but still everything I do isn't enough, isn't it Sanzo-sama? The great Sanzo-sama still couldn't love the scraggly monkey because he was just too high for me.

 

Shit Sanzo, I loved you so damn much but you were too busy with yourself that you never saw me, I thought as I bitterly wiped the tears flowing down my already puffy cheeks. My mouth was drying from crying and I was hungry as hell but still I continued to walk aimlessly down the streets. I just couldn't take it anymore, so when I found a chance to get away, I took it. Just this morning, while Hakkai was loading up Hakuryuu, I snuck out of the inn and walked the opposite direction. I watched them from afar, hoping that Sanzo would get down from Jeep and look for me, at least feign looking for me. But he pointed the gun at Hakkai and told him to drive. After a while, they were only dots on the horizon. Even Gojyo, the bastard who I thought didn't care, looked back and tried searching for me with his eyes. Only Sanzo, the one I thought loved me, didn't look back. Well, that's that, I thought as new sets of tears slipped from the corner of my eyes. It still stung but it was nothing compared to what I was feeling inside.

 

But hey, I thought I'd be happy. I thought now that I'm not traveling with them I'd be free from the pain. I guess I am since I don't feel the sharp-claw like pain wrenching my insides, the pain I always feel whenever we fight. Hell, it's just the dull hollow ache of being alone…again. Guess that isn't too bad right? I've lived 500 hundred years in that cave and I survived. What more now that I'm free and can do anything I want? Guess it's better than getting all worked up and crying my self to sleep at night, better than the loud arguments we have, better than the punches we land on each other. Better to be alone and not be plagued by that right? I'd rather be alone right?

 

Guess that's what I am right now. I'm alone.

 

I'll survive, I guess but this being alone thing is something I have to get used to again. Kinda hard you know, experiencing something so full of life only to get dragged away from it again. But I'll survive, just needs sometime to get used to this. I stop in my tracks as I remember something only to start walking even faster.

 

I'm sorry Sanzo maybe we shouldn't have made that promise in the first place. Looks like I'll have to live with that. To Be Continued…