Gensomaden Saiyuki Fan Fiction / Saiyuki Reload Fan Fiction ❯ Sweat, Not Tears ❯ Scratch That Itch ( Chapter 5 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

I do not own Saiyuki.

You know, finally I managed to *accidentally* drop my muses down a well - they were driving me crazy - but they’re resilient little bastards and managed to crawl back out . . . So here you have - chapter 5.

I need to warn you that this chapter is bit more serious - not my idea. Remember I did try to drown - ah . . . I mean my muses had that unfortunate accident and *fell* into that well remember?

By the way, this chapter ended up being more about the history between Gojyo and Hakkai - maybe it’ll give you an idea of why they behave the way they do towards each other. For some reason I just love the interactions between Gojyo and Hakkai =) Nothing sexually romantic just friendship that’s sweet and uncomplicated and strong as steel. Sorry but Sanzo doesn’t make an appearance an this chappie - but worry not, the next one is all his =)


Chapter 5: Scratch That Itch


Oh, fuck. Gojyo grunted in pain - that’s right he grunted, because manly men just weren’t supposed to whimper. Who the hell decided that my head looked like a damn piñata?

He tried remembering what he’d done the night before but encountered a thick fog where his memory was supposed to be. The deeper he dug the harder his head throbbed.

Gojyo may not have been the brightest bulb in the pack but he could still put two and two together.

Trying to remember = major pain.

Gojyo decided to leave well enough alone.

Shit, I need to take something for this fucking headache. Still he made no move to get out bed and closed his eyes, trying to will away the pain.

“I see you’ve finally come around - it’s about time.”

Gojyo groaned at the sound of that disgustingly cheerful voice but didn’t bother lifting his head. “You ever heard of knocking Hakkai? You should try practicing what you preach once in a while.”

The redhead knew he was being a bit of a bastard but he felt like shit and didn’t think he was up to listening to another of the brunette’s lectures.

He raised himself on his elbows at the continued silence. His head swam and he felt slightly nauseous but he was finally able to focus blurry eyes on his friend.

The smile Hakkai gave him sent chills down the redhead’s spine. It reminded him of a starved hyena about to pounce on a crippled fawn.

“Do you really want me to knock Gojyo?” Hakkai asked in a overly polite tone.

Gojyo’s eyes widened and he shrank back against the pillows as the green-eyed man raised his fist to pound on the door.

Oh fuck, this is definitely not gonna help my headache.

But Hakkai decided to be merciful and lowered his hand with a triumphant smirk. “No, I didn’t think you did.”

“Yeah, you’re right. Sorry. I bow to your greater wisdom - in fact as soon as I can bend over without spewing my guts I’ll kiss the ground you walk on.”

Hakkai laughed - lightly. “That’s quite alright Gojyo. Remembering to clean up after yourself occasionally will be thanks enough.”

Gojyo nodded eagerly, but stopped when the room started to spin again.

It was then that the redhead noticed the tray gripped in Hakkai’s other hand.

“Hakkai, marry me.”

His friend laughed though it sounded somewhat forced to Gojyo and moved forward to set the tray carefully down on the nightstand.

“Only if you wear the dress Gojyo.” Hakkai teased.

“Fuck that, right now I’d bear your children, Kai.”

His friend smiled widely and helped Gojyo ease up on the bed so he wouldn’t have to make a mad dash for the bathroom. Gojyo sighed with relief as his stomach settled.

He focused to see Hakkai holding out a bottled sports drink and an aspirin. Gojyo raised an eyebrow at the drink.

“You need something a bit more substantial than just water if you’re going to be taking medication. I’d bring you something to eat but I doubt you could handle it just about now.”

Just the mention of food made Gojyo’s stomach churn and he nodded gratefully at Hakkai, downing the pill quickly.

Pretty soon he was beginning to feel better and the feeling of weightlessness was making him drift pleasantly. Whatever he gave me, it was definitely stronger than aspirin.

He forced his eyes to open when he felt the bed dip under another’s weight. Hakkai sat starring at the hands he held in his lap, his face slightly pale and drawn.

Fuck, Gojyo thought, not this. Why the hell can’t the past leave him alone?

Gojyo had done all he could to chase his friend’s nightmares away - to at least keep them at bay but every once in a while Hakkai would recede into his shell and they’d be back at square one.

“Kai, what’s wrong?” he asked, reaching over and grasping one of those hands in his own, feeling Hakkai start at the contact.

“I should be asking you that question, Gojyo,” was the soft reply. “You haven’t done anything like this since-”

Hakkai didn’t continue but Gojyo felt his heart clench regardless. He fought to control his breathing. No, he hadn’t done anything like this since-

Since that day two years ago when his mother had tried to kill him. His throat constricted and it felt as though a giant bubble of air had lodged in his esophagus preventing him from breathing. His eyes prickled painfully and he lowered his head in shame.

He felt Hakkai’s hands clamp around his own, “I’m so sorry Gojyo,” he exclaimed, he sounded as though he was fighting back tears himself, “please forgive me. I didn’t mean-”

Gojyo shook his head and lifted his visage to smile at Hakkai - probably not a very pretty sight but it was the best he could manage at the moment. “Don’t apologize, Kai.”

He sighed and ran a rough hand through his hair cursing his own selfishness and stupidity. Why? Why the hell hadn’t he stopped to think about what this would do to his friend? Of course Hakkai would freak out. Shit it was just like that night.

“Look . . . I’m the one who’s sorry, okay?” he said softly, “I didn’t mean to scare you like that again. I was just being stupid. It’s nothing like last time - really. I was just so pissed off I didn’t stop to think about how much I was drinking or what had happened the last time I had. Hell, my getting this shit-faced might actually prove to be beneficial. It means I can do something normally again. And maybe now I can prove that I sure as hell can drink you under the table.”

Gojyo gave a teasing smile but Hakkai’s lips didn’t even twitch, he only gave a jerky nod.

Gojyo closed his eyes and exhaled deeply. He really could kick his own ass right now. He remembered again that night - his mother had been drinking more than usual and something inside her seemed to have finally snapped. She’d run for the kitchen and pulled a long vicious-looking knife from one of the drawers and advanced on Gojyo - murder in her eyes. He remembered her grabbing fistfuls of his hair and yelling at him that it was the color of blood - that his eyes were the color of blood because he was a demon child. Because he was the spawn of evil and the cause of all her misfortune. He’d been ready to die then - unable to bear so much hatred directed at him from the person he most loved. But he hadn’t died. He’d opened his eyes to see his older brother wrestling with his mother over the knife and then a gasp - quiet, and yet commanding the force of a gunshot in the suddenly too-silent room. He remembered the red - so much red. It had stained his brother’s hands, stained the knife. Silent crimson drops had fallen upon the carpet and were quickly absorbed and more blood still gushed and drenched his mother’s dress where the blade had been imbedded in her chest.

He clenched his hands recalling the slowly dawning horror on his brother’s face. He remembered the tears that had welled in those eyes and spilled over, the overwhelming guilt and grief clearly visible in those dark pools as Jin had turned to face his younger brother. Gojyo had not been able to look him in the eyes - could not bear the sin of what he had done because he knew it was all his fault. Jin may have been holding the weapon, but it was Gojyo who bore the guilt.

The night of the funeral Gojyo had gone out - to drink he’d claimed. And he’d gotten drunk alright - in fact, he hadn’t stopped drinking for days on end and by the time his friend Hakkai had found him he’d been close to dying of alcohol poisoning.

He didn’t blame Hakkai for getting scared, or panicking. It had only been one year after Kanan’s death -Hakkai’s fiancée - that Gojyo had spent those hellish weeks in the hospital. Getting his stomach pumped and being given intravenous fluids to get him hydrated.

Gojyo winced remembering the wreck Hakkai had been. He’d been so afraid Gojyo would die - so terrified that the only person he continued to care for would also be taken away. Gojyo had gone to great lengths to help Hakkai out of the severe depression he’d fallen into after Kannan had died and the green-eyed man had been beside himself with grief. He’d blamed himself for Kannan’s death and seeing Gojyo struggling to live while he sat by helplessly again was more than he could bear.

Gojyo had managed to keep Hakkai at his side and stop him from doing anything crazy by insisting that Hakkai had to personally see that Gojyo healed up nicely. It had worked wonders and given Hakkai a purpose - to the point that Hakkai had decided to study medicine. He’d said he never wanted to feel so powerless to help someone he cared for ever again.

And Gojyo had sworn never to do anything that would send his friend into paroxysms of grief or in any way remind him of the loss of his first love but he’d gone and gotten drunk off his ass and Hakkai had been the one to suffer once again.

He leaned back against the propped up pillows and ran a rough hand over his face. They’d both been through so much while still so young and now all they had was each other. Gojyo had lost his mother to the clutches of death and his brother had walked away - not that Gojyo blamed him.

He lifted his head to look at Hakkai - the man was still starring fixedly at his hands. Reaching over he placed his palm over the green-eyed man’s knee and shook him gently.

“Hey, Kai,” he called softly, “listen you can kick my ass for being stupid if you want but honest to God man I wasn’t trying to kill myself. And it had nothing to do with-” Gojyo took a steadying breath, “It had nothing to do with what happened to my mother okay?”

Hakkai’s gaze finally lifted to Gojyo’s, his eyes swirled with confusion, “Then . . . why?”

Gojyo groaned in embarrassment and fell back against the bed. Hakkai jumped slightly - startled.

Gojyo smirked - a self-mocking twist of the lips.

“It’s the stupidest thing it the world, Kai. You probably wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”

Hakkai raised an eyebrow at Gojyo - he appeared much more at ease and some color had returned to his cheeks.

“Try me.”

“Can we just skip this whole conversation?” he asked, mumbling into his shirt.

Hakkai shook his head and smiled slightly - he suddenly looked very curious. “Nope. I want to know exactly why you went out drinking for two days straight.”

Gojyo’s eyes flew open. “Two DAYS!? No wonder I feel like shit.”

Hakkai chuckled, sounding much more like his old self and Gojyo relaxed despite the rather mortifying topic Hakkai was inadvertently hitting upon.

“Can I tell you about it later, Kai. I really just wanna catch up on some sleep now. I promise you can have a laugh at my expense after that, okay?”

Hakkai looked more intrigued than ever but simply nodded and made his way to the door with the tray.

“I’ll come by to bring some lunch later.”

Gojyo shook his head against the sheets. “It’s cool, I’m perfectly fine now, just tired. I’ll get some sleep, shower and then go grab some food.” Gojyo poked his head out of the blankets. “Then you can grill me all you want - I know you’re dying to.”

Hakkai bit his lip to restrain a smile but Gojyo caught it.

“Ha! I always knew you were a closet sadist.”

Hakkai’s bright laugh resounded in the room even after the door had closed and Gojyo let his eyes fall shut with a smile.

* * * * * * *


Gojyo sighed and stretched after getting out of the shower, feeling pleasantly refreshed. He hadn’t lied when he’d told Hakkai that perhaps it was a good thing he’d gone out drinking as much as he had.

At least it had helped dispel Hakkai’s fear that if Gojyo ever got drunk enough to lose reason he would become suicidal. Truthfully it hadn’t just been Hakkai who’d harbored that particular skeleton. Oh he’d gone out to drink plenty of times before, of course. And he’d drunk quite a lot by most people’s standards, but Gojyo had always been able to hold his liquor inordinately well and restricted himself to drinking only as much as would allow him to keep his head.

He was glad that he now knew he was capable of getting drunk for completely asinine reasons. Much like his peers, he thought with a grin.

Despite his elation at that particular discovery, however, he was still most certainly not looking forward to his talk with Hakkai. He’d already stalled in the shower for over an hour and continued to attempt to buy himself time by hiding out in his room but his stomach was growling and the most delicious smells were wafting into his room.

Hakkai was definitely a closet sadist. The bastard was probably dragging out the torture for his own twisted pleasure.

Fuck it, he thought impulsively, if I’m gonna have to spill my guts I’m damn well putting something in them first.

* * * * * * *


Gojyo put the fork down and dared to glance up at his friend.

Hakkai was smiling broadly - clearly aware that the excruciating slowness with which Gojyo had eaten had been another attempt to stall for time.

“Really Gojyo - can it be all that bad?”

The redhead sighed. “Well, I think it depends who you’re asking. But it sure as hell is for me.”

Hakkai sat across from Gojyo looking grave. “Gojyo is this something serious?”

Red hair bobbed as the smoker shook his head, “No, no nothing for you to get all grim about. But it’s damned embarrassing and I just know you’re gonna laugh.”

“Gojyo I would never-”

Hakkai stopped mid sentence at the glare the redhead was giving him. He paused.

“Gojyo, you can’t honestly still be hung up on that! It was years ago.”

“Doesn’t matter how long ago it was, Kai. You promised you wouldn’t laugh, but what was the first thing you did after I told you?”

“Well, granted I may have chuckled-”

“Chuckled my ass, you just about busted a rib.”

“But Gojyo, you must admit it was funny.” Hakkai said in an attempt to placate the scowl directed his way.

“You said you weren’t gonna laugh!”

“I know! I know! I’m sorry, please allow me to make it up to you. I promise I wont laugh Gojyo.” Hakkai said adopting a stern face.

Gojyo nodded, though he wasn’t exactly reassured. He swallowed and rubbed his hands nervously together.

“I think . . . I think I may have discovered something new about myself Hakkai,” Gojyo paused but his friend did not interrupt. “I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me - it’s the first time something like this happens - I swear. And for it to be that Bastard! I wanna kick his ass more often than not, and I fucking hate his highhanded ways, and how he treats me like the grime under his boot soles . . . but, now there’s this. And shit I just don’t know why it’s happening - or how’s it’s possible. Sure he’s easy on the eyes and I’ll be the first to admit that aesthetically he’s competition for some of the prettier girls around and maybe he’s not always an ass but he sure as hell is most of the time. I mean come on - the fucker hits me and I was trying to be nice but-”

Gojyo’s rampage came to a halt once he became aware of the chocking sounds coming from Hakkai’s throat.

“Are you laughing!?” he asked outraged.

Hakkai shook his head and threw up his hands defensively. “No, I’m just very confused right now, Gojyo. What exactly are you trying to say?”

Gojyo lowered his eyes. “IthinImaybgy.”

Hakkai leaned closer. “Gojyo I can’t hear you if you mumble.”

The redhead took a deep breath, “I said - I think I may be gay.”

And Hakkai burst out laughing.

* * * * * *

I am never trusting that bastard ever again. Wont laugh my ass.

“Please open the door Gojyo. I’m very sorry, truly it was unforgivable of me, but I was just so relieved.”

“Relieved? Yeah right,” Gojyo scoffed.

“Honestly Gojyo, when I saw how nervous you were I thought that maybe you’d contracted some kind of disease or something and then you go and tell me that. How did you expect me to react?”

“You could have been a little more diplomatic about it , you know.”

“I realize that and I’m sorry. Please open the door.”

Gojyo stood with a huff and unlocked the door letting Hakkai inside.

The man’s eyes were still dancing with mirth but at least he wasn’t laughing.

“So?”

“So, what, Gojyo?”

“So, are you freaked out or anything?”

Hakkai turned and smiled at his friend, “Gojyo we’ve known each other for years now - you should know perfectly well this sort of thing does not ‘freak me out.’”

“Yeah I know, just making sure.”

Hakkai walked over to the bed and sat down, making himself comfortable. “It sounded like this was a realization you made because of a person - is that right, Gojyo?”

The redhead nodded, not looking his friend in the eye.

“So does that mean you found yourself sexually attracted to this person?”

Another nod.

“Were you merely appreciative of their physical make-up or did you become aroused?”

Gojyo chocked, “What the hell? Stop sounding like a freaking psychologist, you’re creeping me out.”

Hakkai bit his lip, “Sorry, I thought that might make things easier. Alright then - as your friend - I’m asking why you suddenly think you may be gay.”

Gojyo ran an impatient hand through his hair. “That’s the fuck of it Kai. I don’t fucking know that I am - shit I mean I don’t suddenly feel like screwing guys instead of chicks it’s only him and it’s only happened once - although I’ve noticed it before then, noticed him physically I mean. I don’t fucking know what that makes me, but I’m not queer damn it!”

“Gojyo, who is it?”

“What!?” Gojyo squawked.

“Who is the man you’re attracted to? Do I know him?”

Gojyo swallowed hard and nodded.

“Well?”

“It’s . . .”

“Oh come on Gojyo - it can’t be any worse than what you’ve told me already.”

“It’s . . .”

Hakkai gasped, “It’s not . . .me, is it Gojyo?”

. . .

“Gojyo!” Hakkai nearly shrieked when the redhead merely lowered his head miserably.

Slowly Hakkai stopped hyperventilating when he became aware of the sounds coming from the proximity of Gojyo’s chest. He was laughing!?

Gojyo lifted his face and Hakkai could see tears of hilarity sliding down his friend’s cheeks as those shoulders shook with uncontrolled mirth.

“Bastard. But I suppose I deserved that,” Hakkai admitted grudgingly.

“Yes, you did,” Gojyo informed him pompously and only smiled when his friend threw a pillow at his head.

“Alright you’ve had your fun - who is it, really?”

Gojyo took a steadying breath. “It’s our very own Sanzo-sama.”

Hakkai rolled his eyes. “Come on Gojyo, tell me who he is.”

Oh how Gojyo loved the irony.

“I’m telling you the truth, man. Honest.”

There was a long moment of stunned silence.

“You’re attracted to Sanzo?” Hakkai asked faintly.

“Well that may be stretching it a bit. I mean - who could seriously want anything to do with that prickly bastard? They’d have to have a death wish. Not to mention that he’s probably as frigid in bed as he is out of it.”

“Did . . . something happen between you two?” Hakkai asked rather hesitantly.

Gojyo frowned, “Why do you ask?”

His friend sighed, “After Sanzo came home on Friday he barricaded himself in his room - he didn’t have dinner, or even go out for a smoke like he usually does and then this morning he and Goku leave early and they’re still not back. Is he trying to avoid you?”

“Probably.”

Hakkai’s face jerked rather abruptly, “Wait a minute - Gojyo are you seriously telling me that you went out and got completely smashed - nearly giving me a heart attack I might add - because you realized you’re attracted to Sanzo!?”

Well, when Hakkai phrased it like that it did sound pretty stupid, Gojyo acknowledged.

“Gimme a break, Kai. It’s not everyday you find out you may be queer.”

Hakkai frowned, “There is no need to be so crude Gojyo - that is a very derogatory term that . . .”

Blah, blah, blah. Gojyo tuned out Hakkai’s rambling. He got lectured on a regular basis -he’d stopped listening after the second time.

Of course, the fact that he didn’t actively listen did not mean that some of the words Hakkai uttered didn’t mange to penetrate his thick skull. This was one of those times.

“Say what?!”

“I said . . . You realize Gojyo,” Hakkai repeated with patronizing slowness, “that there really is no such thing as ‘straight’? People tend to fall along a spectrum in their sexuality - some lean in one direction while others lean in another, and others still are more centered. Those would be the people who can be attracted to either sex indiscriminately. Sexuality is not so cut and dry as people like to think. I myself am heterosexual, and I say that only because I have never been physically attracted to another man.”

“That’s it, Hakkai!”

Hakkai jerked in surprise. He’d become so engrossed in his little lecture he’d momentarily forgotten about Gojyo. He chuckled halfheartedly.

“Um . . . sorry Gojyo, what did you say?”

“You’re a great friend, Kai. Thanks.”

“Oh . . . you’re welcome. But what did I say?”

“That I’m not gay - I’m still Sha Gojyo, the ladies man. But I happen to find Sanzo sexually attractive. I must be - I dunno . . . curious maybe? If I experiment and scratch that itch, I’ll get over it. Makes perfect sense.”

“Gojyo that isn’t quite what- Gojyo! Where are you going?”

The redhead turned and smiled wickedly at Hakkai.

“To scratch that itch.”



* * * * * *


Thank you so much to jukebox_csi and Edah1011 for reviewing; it keeps me going.

I’m glad you’re still enjoying the story - I really hope this chapter doesn’t ruin that.
Oh, and by the way, that whole spectrum sexuality thing is something I remember reading about when I was doing a research paper - very interesting stuff.