Gensomaden Saiyuki Fan Fiction ❯ A Question of Lust ❯ Only When I Lose Myself ( Chapter 2 )

Title: A Question Of Lust

 

Author: Traumatic BunnyRabbit

 

Warnings: This story is NC-17 rated because of violence, bad language and sex scenes. And most of all - it's yaoi (man and man pairing). So if you think it will mess up your mind, just don't read it.

 

Disclaimers: I don't own Saiyuki. But I own this piece. And that's something too!

I borrowed all the titles from my favorite Depeche Mode songs. I hope they won't sue me.

 

Summary: Sweet dreams, painful nightmares… and the morning after.

 

[originally posted: March 17, 2005]

 

 

2. Only When I Lose Myself

 

 

First, there were hands. Warm hands and warm touches all over his body. Hands so bold and so shameless that he felt himself blushing. Maybe it was because of embarrassment, or maybe from desire, he didn't know. And didn't care either. He just felt too good to think about such things as dignity or modesty. Only those hands mattered.

 

Then he felt other, softer touch. Lips. Light kisses on his bare skin, tracing wet path down to his stomach, making him tremble and moan silently, and writhe under this tantalizing sensation in order to receive more. His own hands went down just to meet a silky wave of long hair, and they drowned in this wave helplessly, trying to catch it, to grab it hard and force this head, those lips to go lower, right there, where they were most welcome. And he finally managed, and he felt hot breath over his hard flesh, and then--

 

And then everything was over, and he was back in his bed, painfully awake. And painfully alone.

 

Hakkai sighed heavily, pressing his palm to his forehead. That dream again. He really would prefer not to have it tonight. Not after all that happened during the day. It really didn't feel quite right. But dreams of course didn't care. They were coming and going, and leaving him at least uncomfortable. Or even embarrassed sometimes. Like now for example.

 

The room was filled with pale moonlight and as he turned his head on the right, he could easily see Gojyo's sharp form on the other bed. Half-youkai was sleeping rather noisily, curled on his side, with dark crimson strands lying in a mess all over his face and shoulders. Stunning, as always.

 

Hakkai sighed once more, allowing himself to reach under his covers and touch his own hardness. Gods, that was really embarrassing. But he just couldn't resist. Not after a dream, in which his dear friend was caressing him so lustfully.

 

He didn't even remember when all this had started. He really liked this redheaded guy from the very beginning. He owed him his life. Or even much more, for Gojyo not only saved him from death but also taught him how to live again. Hakkai found extreme pleasure in taking care of his friend, staying close to him and making his everyday life easier. That, he thought, was the least he could do to repay him. But one day, he suddenly realized that it's not a repayment anymore.

 

He was caring way too much about how to please him. He was cherishing every single contact, even most innocent physical ones. He was feeling slightly jealous every time Gojyo was coming back home, smelling of whisky, tobacco and a woman's scent. And he started dreaming his lustful dreams.

 

For Hakkai it was nothing new. It happened couple of times before, that he actually fancied another man. You can't avoid that kind of situation when you're spending your entire childhood and puberty in orphanage and boarding schools, whole days - and nights - only with other boys. He didn't have much experience in that matter though; he was always too shy to show his affection so he barely knew how it was to be with another man.

 

He never tried to show Gojyo his feelings either. He wouldn't dare. In spite of all those ambiguous jokes and remarks that he was making, the redhead was as straight as one could be, and Hakkai didn't want to make him uncomfortable. So he chose to adore him from afar and remain his best friend. He was satisfied enough having his dreams and some privacy while taking shower. But since they started this trip, things became a little more complicated. After all they've been through, after all this tension they had to bear with, it became very hard to hide his feelings constantly. Just like this evening, in the bar. Hakkai just had to punch Gojyo down, otherwise he probably would force his friend into a big warm hug or even kiss him, or do other crazy stuff.

 

After that strange incident, Gojyo just calmly fallowed him to their room and came straight to bed, just as he was told. Hakkai didn't know if it was because he felt offended or because he was just too drunk and too tired to argue. In any case the crimson man just fell on his bed, barely undressed, and fell asleep. Hakkai had done the same, only to be awakened by this damn dream and his own shameless body.

 

Hakkai moaned softly as his hand met his hardened flesh. Just this time, he thought stroking it gently through his clothing. Just this one time I will do it in his presence, looking at his handsome face, at his strong body, so well built and so masculine. And so beautiful. His hand started to slide under his pants but then suddenly stopped, as Hakkai noticed a strange grimace on his friend's lips.

 

Gojyo's face frowned, his whole body shrugged once and then again. He started to shake his head slightly from side to side, mumbling something under his breath as his lips twitched, just like he'd been in great pain. Obviously, he was having a dream, a very unpleasant one, and now he was struggling to wake up but without much success.

 

Hakkai didn't think for long. He got up and came to his friend's bed as quickly and as quietly as he could. “Gojyo, wake up,” he said gently, touching his arm. The redhead flinched, groaning desperately and then suddenly sat up, pushing his friend's hand away. Hakkai landed rather painfully on bed's wooden frame and looked straight into not-so-conscious red eyes.

 

“It's ok, Gojyo, it's only me,” he said in a calming, low voice. A slight trace of understanding came across the half-breed's face. “It's ok now. It was only a bad dream.”

 

Gojyo was breathing hard, almost gasping for air. “A dream…” he repeated shakily. He clasped his arms around himself, still trembling badly, and hid his face behind his messy hair.

 

“Is there anything I can do for you?” asked Hakkai gently. The redhead just let out a suspiciously wet sigh, then another one, and another.

 

“Gojyo…” Hakkai reached his hand once again and hesitantly touched his friend's shoulder. But this time he wasn't pushed away. Gojyo just stretched his hands, grabbed Hakkai's shirt and shoved himself closer, only to fall helplessly into his friend's embrace.

 

He was crying silently, only his rough breath and shaking shoulders were telling the whole truth. Hakkai was rather surprised by all of this. He never ever saw Gojyo crying. He heard him though, two or three times during their living together, but he never had a chance to comfort him this way. And although his heart was now full of compassion, he couldn't help but to enjoy this moment of sudden intimacy. He was just holding his friend tight, close to his chest, while his chin rested firmly on the top of the red head and his hands were stroking gently those beautiful silky strands.

 

“It's all right, Gojyo, it was only a dream. You are safe now,” he whispered, half consciously laying a light kiss on crimson hairs. Gojyo didn't seem to noticed any of his friend's actions. He was just crying his heart out, clenching desperately to the other man. But finally the quiet sobbing stopped.

 

“Sorry, `Kai,” Gojyo mumbled with rough voice as he shifted himself a little. Hakkai loosened his embrace, but redhead didn't shove away.

 

“I'm all right now,” strong, tanned hand eased its grasp on Hakkai's shirt and then started soothing crumpled fabric with gentle strokes. “Just stay like this for a while, ok?”

 

“No problem, Gojyo. As long as you need me.”

 

“Really?” Hakkai felt that the other shifting a little more, brushing wet cheek over his shoulder and then - no, there's no mistake - nuzzling his throat. “'Cause I need you `Kai,” hot breath tickled Hakkai's skin as Gojyo's face was traveling up. “Stay with me, please…”

 

And then he kissed him.

 

Hakkai froze still, feeling this hot, soft touch on his mouth. He didn't try to resist when wet tongue parted his lips, sliding inside. He was so shocked that he could hardly breathe. Gojyo didn't seem to notice, and he was kissing him harder and more greedily and Hakkai only could focus on this sudden touch of passion, on that sweet and sour taste of whisky and tobacco. Then, finally, the kiss broke off.

 

“What… what are you doing?” asked Hakkai, his voice flat, while his body screaming `No, please, don't stop!'

 

“I dunno… Kissing you, I guess…” Gojyo chuckled a little and rested his forehead against Hakkai's. “Dunno… I'm drunk. And I don't wanna be alone. I wanna be with you. I want you…” he whispered last words right into Hakkai's mouth and then he kissed him again. And this time the youkai answered, same hard and greedily.

 

Gojyo growled with pleasure and pushed the other man on the bed, pinning him against the mattress with his torso and all that without breaking their passionate kiss. Hakkai whined a little, feeling hot wave of pleasure growing in his lower body again. It's just like in my dream, he thought, burying his hands in this long silky hair. The silent voice in the back of his mind tried to tell him, that it wasn't for real, that to Gojyo it meant nothing, he's just drunk and if he wasn't he would never, ever lay a finger on him. Not to mention kissing.

 

I don't give a damn, thought Hakkai. Just shut up!

 

You shouldn't be doing it, the voice urged. You'll be sorry in the morning. He's not swinging this way and you know it. So what the hell are you trying to do? Convert him or something, you miserable priest from the Church Of Free Love?

 

I'm not trying to do anything, thought Hakkai, moaning silently as Gojyo's tongue drew wet line from his jawbone to his ear. I'm just letting him...

 

That's right, you're not doing anything to stop him, you selfish bastard. Even if you know, that's not Gojyo, who's kissing you right now but a bottle of whisky.

 

“Gojyo, please stop,” Hakkai reluctantly tried to move himself away, but failed. “Why should I?” soft whisper tickled his earlobe. “I can feel you like it.”

 

Hakkai moaned again as he felt Gojyo's hand landing firmly on this very place that wanted him the most.

 

“How big already,” Gojyo murmured, biting his ear. “And how willing…”

 

He wants me, thought Hakkai. I don't care about tomorrow. He wants me now, and even if it's only for now he will have me! He pushed his hips up to receive some more but the hand already slid up and was now struggling to unbutton his shirt. Gojyo, impatiently and almost violently tore their clothes off and the next minute Hakkai found himself lying completely naked with Gojyo, naked as well, leaning over him and kissing him and caressing, his mouth and hands so impatiently harsh, so full of barely tamed desire.

 

It was exactly like in his dream. Wet path of sweet kisses going down his stomach, and his own hand clutched tight in those hairs, urging this head, those lips to go lower, to go down there--

 

Hakkai gasped and jerked his head backwards as he felt hot mouth closing on him. Oh, great gods, how wonderful! He felt everything so clearly, this soft and yet tough lips, massaging him all over, this quick and skillful tongue, caressing him and teasing and increasing already great amount of pleasure. And a hand, oh yes, that hand, gently stroking Hakkai's length, while the other one, same shameless and bold was traveling on his sensitive skin until it reached his mouth. Light touch seemed almost like a kiss, so without hesitation Hakkai swallowed those long fingers with the same passion as he felt on his own body.

 

Suddenly the fingers disappeared from his mouth and immediately they reappeared down there, right between his thighs.

 

“Go… Gojyo… What are you…?” he groaned breathlessly. Wet finger pushed hard on the tight passage and then it forced its way in one fluent move. Hakkai hissed through clenched teeth, tensing his body against new and rather uncomfortable sensation.

 

“Relax,” whispered Gojyo with soft voice, brushing his tongue over the top of Hakkai's arousal. “Open yourself for me.”

 

You can have all of me, thought Hakkai, as he closed his eyes and forced himself to loose tensed muscles. He heard Gojyo's growling with contentment as slender finger started to wiggle and scratch all over soft inner walls. At first it felt rather awkward, but just after a few seconds strange and shivering sensation came up his spine. And when another finger was placed in him, Hakkai was only able to moan and whine, moving his body towards the pleasure and pressing up against those damn fingers. It was shameless. It was dirty. It felt great.

 

“You're so fuckin' beautiful,” he heard Gojyo's low, harsh voice. “I must have you now!”

 

Hakkai almost cried with sorrow, feeling the sudden coldness on his erection and unpleasant emptiness as the skillful fingers were pulled out, but he didn't have enough time to do it `cause the crimson half-youkai rolled him over on his stomach and pressed him hard with his own body.

 

“Gojyo, wait…” he started, but then he almost chocked with his own breath.

 

Something bigger - and harder - than fingers was now trying to enter his body. This sharp pain wasn't something he was expected. He tried to jerk away, but strong grasp of Gojyo's hands stood him still.

 

“Please, `Kai, let me in,” he whispered, holding him close to his chest and slowly forcing himself in. “I want you so much… Please, let me in…”

 

Hakkai bit his lips and tried to loosen his muscles once again. With a low pleasurable growl, Gojyo pressed harder and then started to move slightly forward and back, burying himself deeper with every thrust in this tight and hot place. His lips were caressing soft skin of his lover's neck and perhaps he thought that he's gentle. But he wasn't. Pain was hardly bearable and Hakkai was trying his best not to scream.

 

I will bare it, he thought breathing hard through gritted teeth. It's worth it, `cause now I have him in me, and he's mine, all mine, oh gods, why does it have to hurt so much…

 

But then he felt soft yet firm grasp on his abandoned and still hard member and suddenly pain not only became tolerable but surprisingly close to pleasure. He felt dizzy. This experience was so new and so intense, almost piercing him throughout and Hakkai forgot about all the pain. He was moaning silently with every thrust and soon he started to move against Gojyo's body.

 

“That's right, babe,” Gojyo groaned in low voice. “Give it to me, give me it all!”

 

Hakkai couldn't think anymore. His mind was clouded with desire, and he was only able to feel. To feel Gojyo's hand working beneath him, his hard shaft inside him, his soft lips caressing his ear and whispering dirty words of passion. Soon it was too much for him to bear and so he came hard, crying out Gojyo's name.

 

Gojyo groaned loudly as Hakkai's body clenched on him and buried his face on brunette's back, biting his shoulder and pumping even harder and more viciously before he also came, filling his lover's body with hot wave of semen. Then he just collapsed on Hakkai, pressing him down with all his weight and holding him in tight embrace. “'Kai, you were wonderful,” he whispered through his ragged breathing, right into his ear.

 

Hakkai smiled slightly. He felt numb and lightheaded. He was still panting lightly, and still couldn't fully believe that he'd just had sex with his dream lover. But Gojyo was right there, still on top of him, still buried inside of him, and his hand still trapped underneath Hakkai's stomach. All that felt incredibly right and in place. It always should be like that, he thought lazily. We should have done it long ago.

 

Gojyo muttered something under his breath and then he rolled over and landed heavily on the mattress. Hakkai turned his head only to see the redhead is slowly sinking into slumber. “Well, you had a hard day,” he whispered as he reached his hand and brushed away some crimson strands from Gojyo's sweaty forehead. And as he did it, he felt sudden wave of irrational sadness. All of that had happened was just too beautiful. He was sure he didn't deserve such happiness so probably in the morning he would pay the highest price for this sweet moment of pleasure. His vivid imagination started to bring him different images of Gojyo's reactions and the less unpleasant was that Gojyo would awake without any memories of that night. And the others…

 

“Well, I don't give a damn,” Hakkai muttered to himself, suddenly feeling better after saying harsh words aloud. “Whatever will be, will be.”

 

His mind became clouded again, this time with tiredness. His whole body was in mess, covered with sweat and sticky love juices, and he started to feel a little discomfort and soreness in his lower parts, but he didn't bother much. He could always deal with it in the morning. Now his only desire was to curl himself close to Gojyo's warm body and just fall asleep.

 

And so he did.

 

***

 

When Gojyo woke up, sunlight struck him like piercing arrow, right through his eyes directly to his brain. He growled quietly and closed his eyelids, trying not to pay attention to sharp pain placed right behind them. A hangover. Not the worst he ever had, but still rather unpleasant one. Headache, sore eyes, dry throat, not mentioning a really bad taste in his mouth and sticky and sweaty body. And this strange smell… Wait a minute, what's that smell?

 

Gojyo opened his eyes once again, more carefully this time, and slowly turned his head on the side. Nobody was lying next to him, though he was sure he could smell sharp and heavy after-lovemaking kind of scent. But he was alone, and there wasn't even a slight trace of a woman ever lying in this bed. No sweet scent of perfume, no colorful stains on the pillow (he always wondered why women have to wear all that make up), nothing that he usually found in the morning.

 

Maybe it's because Hakkai had dragged me from the bar before I was able to pick up anybody, he thought, slowly rubbing his tired eyes. But still, this scent was too familiar to mistake it with something else. And he definitely remembered shagging somebody that night. Ok, it seemed like a dream, but he wasn't that drunk to mistake dream with reality.

 

He turned his head to the other side only to find out, that he's really all alone. Hakkai was gone and his bed was already made. Strange. Maybe Hakkai was a morning person, but he was also very caring friend. Gojyo was expecting to find at least glass of water on his night table and maybe some painkillers too, but not this time. Strange.

 

Maybe he's still mad at me, thought Gojyo. Well, I'm not going to apologize. That was he, who punched me, right? Maybe it was all my fault - yeah, even a saint would loose their temper - but he's got his revenge, so now we're even. And it's really not like him to hold grudges for long, so--

 

Then Gojyo remembered something. Hakkai can't be mad at him, `cause he helped him at night. Yeah, he had that nightmare again, as terrible as always, although this time it was slightly different. There was his crazy mother, but instead of him, she was trying to kill this little youkai boy. And he was watching the whole scene from behind, like his brother probably did. And he couldn't do anything to save that kid. He just couldn't raise his hand against his mother like Jien could. Yeah, even in dreams he was pathetic wimp, end of story. When he finally managed to wake up, he found Hakkai sitting next to him, sympathizing and soothing, like always. I think I was crying, thought Gojyo, closing his eyes once again. Yeah, definitely I was. Kind of embarrassing.

 

But what happened after that? Did he fall asleep again? `Cause next thing he could remember was warm, naked body next to his own, soft skin under his lips and soft moans, and voice calling his name with passion. Strange. He didn't have woman in his bed for sure. Hakkai was spending a night in this room as well and Gojyo would never force his friend to participate in his sexual activities. So, putting things together, he was sure that he had sex but there was nobody with him except Hakkai--

 

Oh, great gods!

 

Gojyo abruptly sat up in his bed; the sharp pain in his head almost blinded him, but he didn't care. He finally recalled everything.

 

The naked body next to him. Soft skin and soft moans. And his own mouth, kissing and swallowing somebody's hard shaft.

 

He did it with a man. More, he did it with his best friend. He blew him and then - oh gods! - he fucked him!

 

He fucked Hakkai!

 

A silent voice in the back of his mind was telling him, that he should be more than ashamed. It was disgusting to do such things to another man. But even stronger than self-loathing was the sorrow. For Hakkai. How could he do it to his best friend? How could he violate this gentle and delicate man, how could he treat him like some cheap slut, how…

 

You're disgusting, said the voice. You were always fancying him, right? You're a fucking pervert! You're a faggot!

 

“Shut the hell up,” murmured Gojyo, rubbing his aching forehead. “I'm not gay. I am not!”

 

But you felt real passion, the voice urged. Great passion, perhaps even greater than with any woman ever. And you were fucking him like there's no tomorrow. Little fag, that's who you are!

 

Gojyo just couldn't disagree with that. He felt passion. He had the greatest orgasm ever and it was with a man. So maybe he is a faggot, the hell with that! More important thing was he hurt his best friend. He hurt him in the most painful way he could imagine for a man. He thought that he heard a cry of passion, but the truth was Hakkai was screaming in pain. Perhaps he even begged him to stop. Perhaps…

 

“Gojyo, are you awake?”

 

And there he was, standing in the door, smiling a little, as always. As nothing had happened.

 

Gojyo thought that he wouldn't be able to look him in the eyes, but he was. And when he did, he wasn't able to look away, in spite of all the shame he felt. He was just looking helplessly in those bright green orbs and waiting for accusations and reproaches. But none of them came.

 

“What's wrong, Gojyo?” asked Hakkai, looking back at him with visible concern. “Are you all right?”

 

“Am I..?” Gojyo just couldn't speak. How come, he thought. Why he's worrying about me? He should be mad at me! He should beat the living shit out of me, he could even kill me for what I have done, but he's just asking if I'm all right!

 

Hakkai seemed to understand what's going on in Gojyo's mind. He stepped into the room and closed the door. “I think we should talk before the others wake up,” he said.

 

“I… I don't know what I can say to you,” Gojyo felt his throat is painfully clenched. “No apology would ever--”

 

“You think you should apologize to me?”

 

“I… I did terrible things to you, didn't I?” the redhead felt like his face becoming even more crimson than his hair.

 

“Well…” Hakkai hesitated a little and Gojyo saw that his friend is also blushing. “I wouldn't call them terrible. Harsh maybe, but you were drunk so--”

 

“What the hell are you saying?!” Gojyo forgot about his embarrassment. “Are you trying to give reasons for me?! God dammit, `Kai, if somebody did this to me I would kill that bastard without thinking! And you… you just…”

 

“We are two grownups and we both were there, Gojyo,” the brunette looked away with deeper blush. “You didn't force me into nothing, so I'm as responsible for all that happened as you are.” Gojyo blinked in surprise. “Are you telling me, that I didn't… rape you?” he asked hesitantly.

 

“Gosh, no, of course not,” Hakkai chuckled a little and looked at him again. “You wouldn't be able to… rape… anyone. You're not like that.”

 

“So what the hell was that?!”

 

“Well, if you insist on calling it somehow… I would call it a seduction.”

 

“I seduced you?” Gojyo felt his throat is clenching again. “For fuck sake, I'm not a fuckin' queer!”

 

“I never said you are,” Hakkai stopped smiling. His eyes became little darker and then again he turned his gaze away. “And I never said that it was you who seduced me. There were two of us there, Gojyo.”

 

It took Gojyo a little while to understand the meaning of those words. And as he did, he tried to say something, even to shout at Hakkai for taking the blame, but he couldn't. `Cause he understood something else, the hidden meaning of his friend's confession.

 

Hakkai had a crush on him.

 

Oh, great gods…

 

“I'll leave you now, you should get yourself ready soon,” said brunette flatly. “If you ever feel like talking more about it, I… I will be glad.”

 

And then he left the room, leaving Gojyo shocked, trembling and suddenly feeling more alone and more tense than before.

 

***

 

To be continued

 

 

That's all folks. For now of course. I didn't plan them to do it in such rough way, but, well… Sometimes characters are just taking the lead and they don't give a damn about poor author. And I just have no idea how they will manage to bear with all the stuff I've planned for them. Because I really have wicked mind.

 

I hope you enjoy it more or less. Just let me know. Review it or mail me, I would appreciate every piece of handful advice and constructive critics. Flames, however, will be ignored, so don't bother.

 

 

(even more) Traumatic Bunny