Rating:

Nikoru Sanzo: Like I've said before, if I don't think I can let my Sunday School students read this fic, then it's a PG- 13. Otherwise, it's a PG-30 if my Kaiten/ Hentai Sutra dictates the story itself!

Kaiten Sutra: Whaddya mean KAITEN SLASH HENTAI SUTRA?!? %*#@$#

Summary: Hakkai and Goku are caught by the Togenkyo Police due to suspicious circumstances. A terrific courtroom battle ensues as Hakkai is charged with the unthinkable of crimes. Will their new and >ehem!< brilliant defense attorney be able to beat the odds and acquit our sweet and wouldn't-harm-a-fly-unless-it's-a-youkai-fly Saiyuki bishie?

Disclaimer: Gensomaden Saiyuki belongs to Kazuya Minekura. The people in this fic who portrayed lawyers, judges, juries and courtroom observers are not really lawyers, judges, juries, and courtroom observers. But a certain female Sanzo is really a Sanzo and a female! So there (glares at a certain snickering pervert Sutra)!

Constitutional Disasters

By: Nikoru Sanzo

Chapter 1- From Whence Cometh Trouble and Help?

"Oi, bouzou, where's Hakkai and Goku?"

"Ch! You're asking ME?!"

"Why not? As far as your PET is concerned…urk!"

Sanzo has shoved his gun up Gojyo' s chin. "Concerned where?"

"Eh-hehehe. Never mind." Gojyo fishes out a cigarette from his pocket. The two are taking such an awfully long time to shop for supplies. He doesn't know how much longer he can stand being around the corrupt monk. There was a soft knock on the door. Gojyo rose from his chair.

"Let me get it."

"Don't wait for me to order you around."

Gojyo grits his teeth and sighs. One of these days, he swears, he's going to switch Sanzo' s cigarettes with joke cigarette bombs. He giggled wickedly at the thought of a black- faced Sanzo with popping eyes and smoking hair.

"The hell you laughing at? Open the door!"

"All right! All right! Don't get your pantyhose tied in a knot!"

>BANG!<

Huffing for breath, Gojyo leans against the door with a seriously smoking bullet hole.

"Baka bouzou! Are you trying to kill me? What if it's Hakkai and Goku behind this door?!?"

"Open it and find out. If you hadn't been such a dawdling kappa I wouldn't have to waste a bullet on you!"

Muttering under his breath, Gojyo opens the door. He finds two cowering figures, scared out of their wits from being narrowly missed by a gunshot.

"Well?! Who is it?"

The half- youkai doesn't answer. He takes a paper handed to him by the one of the quaking men.

Gojyo notices the uniforms. "Are you guys policemen?"

Two heads nodded, "Yes! Please DON'T kill us!" And with that, they turned tail and fled.

Sanzo was getting impatient. "Police officers? What did YOU do THIS TIME?!"

Gojyo looks up at Sanzo, his face registering disbelief. "Not me…"

"Lemme see that!" Sanzo grabs the paper from Gojyo.

"NANI?!?!?!?!?"

Gojyo calmly lights his cigarette. "Maybe it's just a misunderstanding."

Sanzo grabs Gojyo by the collar. "Misunderstand my butt! We're going to the police station!"

"Oi! Lay off the goods! I can walk, thank you!"

But a Sanzo with rising blood pressure becomes temporarily deaf, and he hauls Gojyo all the way to the police station.

Sanzo bursts through the door, glass shattering and all. "WHERE ARE THEY?!"

A shaking cop points toward the jail cells. Sanzo heads straight for them, still dragging the poor kappa.

"Can't you arrest HIM for kidnapping and assault?!" Gojyo pleads, pointing at Sanzo. The cops faint at the thought of doing so.

They find a miserable Goku sitting in front of one of the jail cells.

"Sanzo!" Goku' s face brightens at the sight of his savior.

>THWACK!< >THWACK!< >THWACK!< >THWACK!< >THWACK!< >THWACK!< >THWACK!< >THWACK!< >THWACK!< >THWACK!< >THWACK!< >THWACK!< >THWACK!< >THWACK!< >THWACK!< >THWACK!< >THWACK!< >THWACK!< >THWACK!< >THWACK!<

"Iteee! That hurts!"

>THWACK!<

"BAKASARU! What kind of mess did you get yourself into this time that you have to get Hakkai arrested?!"

"Gomen… I think it's my fault." Hakkai sorrowfully admits.

"Of course it's his fault! Dare he bring his perversion to my fair town and abuse a young man in broad daylight?!"

They all turned to look at a short and burly man, whose trappings and uniform denote him to be the police commissioner.

"Hakkai? A child molester? You gotta be kidding me! Where's the young man you say he abused? Lemme straighten it out with him!" Gojyo exclaims.

"No need to look far." The commissioner points at…

"GOKU!!!"

"Are you sure it's Hakkai who's in trouble?" Gojyo blinks.

Sanzo, eyes smoking and murderous, "What the hell is going on here!?"

The commissioner paces around the room, hands behind his back.

"We arrested your friend as he was doing his evil deed on the poor boy."

"What *evil deed* was he doing?" Gojyo asked.

"They were in the jeep together and my men clearly saw Hakkai undressing Goku! What else do you make of it?"

"It's an awfully hot summer and Goku couldn't slip out of his shirt without my help?" Hakkai offered.

"And his PANTS?!" The commissioner cried out.

"Anou, it was extremely hot today?" Hakkai smiled sheepishly. Gojyo and Sanzo slap their foreheads.

"But Hakkai' s not doing anything bad to me! Honest!" Goku begged the commissioner.

"Yeah! And the bakasaru' s not exactly a kid anymore. He's er…" Gojyo hesitated whether to divulge the fact that Goku' s…

"Five hundred years old! The bakasaru' s more than five hundred years old!" Sanzo cut in, his patience wearing thin.

The commissioner raised an eyebrow. "Have you got proof? Birth certificates? Health records? Baby pictures?"

"Iieh."

"Not even birthday party pictures that at least show the number of candles on his cake?"

"Iieh."

"Then I'm afraid your friend will have to stay with us for a while longer. Good evening, gentlemen, see you in court." The commissioner walked out of the room.

Gojyo' s foot lands on top of Goku' s head. "Bakasaru! Can't even take off your own shirt by yourself!"

"Teme! That hurts, ero kappa!" but Goku remains seated, bewildered over what happened.

"Can't we just bust you out of this place?" Gojyo raised the suggestion.

Hakkai smiles, "That wouldn't be right. We can't travel to the west hindered by the fact that I would be a fugitive again. And besides, I have faith in the justice system. I'm sure I'll be free by tomorrow morning when they realize that I didn't force Goku to... I mean, I wasn't doing anything that Goku deems harmful."

The others were too frustrated and annoyed to have noticed the slip.

Sanzo sighs, "I'm afraid I have to burst your happy little bubble and all. But there isn't a single law firm in this backward town."

Hakkai and Goku' s faces fell. Gojyo kicks at the wall. "There's gotta be something we can do!"

Goku grasps the iron bars and cries, "Hakkai, I'm so sorry I got you into trouble! They won't believe me no matter what I try to say to them!"

Hakkai gives out one of his sad little smiles and affectionately pats Goku' s head.

"Don't you worry, Goku. I'm sure everything will turn out right."

"Really?" Goku sniffed and wiped his golden eyes.

Unable to put up with the sap factory unfolding before him, Gojyo pushes Goku' s head down with his hands and grins.

"Really! And when Hakkai gets out, you'll promise to stay away from him and not breathe your dirty little monkey breath on his monocle!"

"Ero Kappa! I can't let you have Hakkai for yourself! I need him just as much as I need to swallow whole pork buns and not be hungry anymore!"

Sanzo, obviously disturbed at how the word war is turning out, whips out his shoureijou.

"URUSAIIIIIII! SHINEEEEEEE!"

Loud gunshots startle the policemen outside. They look at each other.

"A-Are you sure it's safe to let those men stay in there? Shouldn't we get in and r-r-restrain them?"

"Baka! It's safer for US if we stay HERE and not mess with them!"

"O-Okay!"

UP THERE IN TENKAI…

An anxious Jiroshin rushes to the Goddess of Mercy. "Kanzeon Bosatsu! Genjo Sanzo 's party has run into some trouble with the law!"

The Goddess of Mercy shifts lazily in her seat. "I know. Help is on the way."

Jiroshin looks puzzled. "But who? Up here in heaven, we have no use for lawyers ourselves. Unless you're planning to send the Tenkai Expeditionary Force to liberate Cho Hakkai?"

Kanzeon Bosatsu chuckles mischievously, "Where's the fun in that? The idiotic Tenkai Expeditionary Force can't match the damage this person I'm sending can do!"

"And I suppose, *damages* means an entirely different thing for you?"

"Yes, it does."

*heavenly sweat drops*

TeeBeeCee…

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Nikoru Sanzo: (eyes blazing and nostrils breathing fire) How dare they throw my Hakkai-kun into the slammer? They'll pay DEARLY for their IGNORANCE! Bwahahahahahahaha! >thunder and lightning effects, complete with Shoemaker-Levy comet debris raining down from the skies and Gyumao winning the Ms. Universe pageant<

Kaiten Kyoumon: (shrugs its corners) If you ask ME, I'll say they got the WRONG pervert! (glances at a certain demented female Sanzo)

Nikoru Sanzo: (pats the Kaiten Sutra) Don't beat yourself up, my chibi hentai sutra!

Kaiten Kyoumon: (exasperated): Why me, oh unmerciful kami!