Gensomaden Saiyuki Fan Fiction ❯ Fateful Encounters ❯ Hellish Pain Eased by a Fleeting Glimpse of Heaven ( Chapter 13 )

Title: Fateful Encounters [part 13/?]

Author: Enigma

Series: Saiyuki

Written: June - November, 2002

Rating: R

Pairings: (Gojyo + Hakkai)

Category: Shonen ai/yaoi, Angst, Romance, Action/Adventure, Blood, Language. AU-OOC.

Archive: fanfiction.net & mediaminer.org [author: "E-sama the Llama"]

Warnings: shonen ai/yaoi, angst, romance, action/adventure, anime-based bloodshed, crude language matching the characterization of the series, original characters to support the main characters from the anime and not detract from them, medical and other squick, additional warnings and pairings possible as fic comes into being over time. AU-OOC.

Spoilers: Since this is based on episodes 15 & 16 of the anime, there are definite spoilers for them, but there are also minor spoilers for other aspects of the series which I will try to keep to a minimum so readers both new and old can enjoy this tale.

Disclaimer: "Saiyuki" is the property of Kazuya Minekura, et al. All original characters featured herein (including but not limited to: Zan, Long, Kiko, etc.) are © Enigma, 2002, and are not to be used without permission. This unauthorized work of unpaid fanfiction is intended for entertainment only; kindly do not sue me.

Notes: What might have actually happened after Gojyo found and rescued a severely injured Gonou (a.k.a. Hakkai) three years prior to their journey to the west? How will these revelations change not only their own lives but also Sanzo and Goku's as well?

*****

At a little before eleven in the morning, Gojyo approached a small crowd of mourners that had gathered in the temple courtyard awaiting the ringing of the large brass bells that would be the signal that the memorial ceremony for a dead child was to begin.

Long and his wife were speaking with an understandably shaken Zan and even though the female physician was putting up a strong façade and doing her best to convince anyone who looked at her that she was coping well, it was terribly clear that she wasn't. A lengthy adult life spent alone had changed radically when the gray-haired woman had taken on the substantial task of raising a young half-breed boy that no one else wanted and now that Kiko was gone, Zan felt an emptiness inside that she had never experienced before.

After nervously adjusting the clothing he still wasn't sure was acceptable or not, Gojyo stepped towards the cluster of people that he had gotten to know in the course of caring for the injured man who currently slept in his bed and said hesitantly, "Hello, Dr. Zan." Extending a hand in friendship to the woman who had yet to turn to face him, he added, "I was really sorry to hear about what happened to Kiko, doc. He was like a little bro--"

His words were interrupted as the middle-aged physician finally turned to look at him and with an expression of abject horror on her face, Zan suddenly burst into tears.

Even as the woman's knees buckled slightly and she fell into Gojyo's strong arms, Zan's last threads of control snapped and she wailed sorrowfully, "He'll never grow up! My little Kiko will never have the chance to grow up and become the fine man that he could have been!"

Everyone around them was too stunned to say or do anything and the painful moment rapidly grew progressively worse.

Clinging to the startled gambler's leather-clad arms for support, Zan closed tear-reddened eyes and exclaimed, "All of his life horrible things happened to that sweet boy and now this! It wasn't his fault his father left his mother all alone! It wasn't his fault his mother died when he was so young! It wasn't his fault no one but me seemed to appreciate him for who he really was!!"

Her agony-filled words were interrupted by a need to breathe and then she loudly demanded of an uncaring universe, "Why, oh *why* did Kiko have to *die* before he had a chance to truly *live*?!?" Tears flooded down wrinkled cheeks and she clenched her eyes tightly closed as if by not opening them she might see a brighter reality where a lovable, crimson-haired child still ate at her table and helped her with the sick and injured of their village.

Scarlet eyes wide with shock and confusion, Gojyo answered uncertainly, "I, uh, I don't know, doc." Panic-stricken, he looked to Long for aid even as he tried to formulate something else to say in the hopes of calming the hysterical physician who was now relying on him to single-handedly keep her standing.

Unfortunately, before the other man could help him, the trembling, grief-stricken lady in Gojyo's arms reopened her eyes and seemed to transform in a heartbeat from the gentle woman that he knew into someone far too familiar to him for comfort.

Ebony eyes wild and lost, Zan stared at the shocked half-breed's blood-colored hair and eyes for only a moment, then tore her gaze away, wailing, "Oh, Gojyo! My Kiko might have looked like you if only he'd had a chance to grow up! If only… if only…" The floodgates seemed to open even farther as fresh tears flooded her face and she moaned, "I can't look at you without seeing him, Gojyo! Oh, gods, it hurts so badly to just *look* at you and know I'll never see *him* again!!"

Suddenly, the grieving woman harshly shoved at the stunned young man who only wanted to try to comfort her even as she exclaimed in a panic-stricken voice, "I can't bear to *look* at you! Get *away* from me!!"

In her delirium, Zan flung herself away from the lanky man and without a moments thought to what she had just done to the nineteen year old who had come despite his fears, the woman collapsed onto the ground and lost herself entirely in her sorrow.

Stumbling back a step or two and thinking he saw the sorrowful yet insane female youkai who had raised him instead of the physician who was understandably lost in grief, the crimson-haired man felt the world spin around him dizzily.

Memories of Jien defending him and killing his own mother to protect his younger half-brother flashed across the half-breed's inner vision and an all too familiar and barely repressed mountain of self-hatred began to collapse onto Gojyo. Cruel words his stepmother had carelessly thrown at a much younger version of himself when he'd tried to give her some flowers echoed in Gojyo's mind and it was all he could do to try to remember that had happened years ago and wasn't actually occurring again here and now.

Zan continued to wail incoherently, heart-wrenching sounds of horrible longing tumbling from her lips as she finally succumbed to the mental breakdown Long had predicted she would suffer following the death of the ten year old whom she had taken in. Her selfless dedication to the otherwise unwanted child had led to a painful yet hopefully temporary leave of her senses and it was all anyone present could do to remember that she wasn't the only one suffering at that bleak moment in time.

"We've got to get you out of here, Sha!" Long's commanding voice failed to break through Gojyo's tortured thoughts yet the teen felt strong hands on his shoulders shaking him from his frozen state and urging him to move once more.

Wordlessly obedient in a way that none present had ever seen him before, the black-clad youth allowed the older man to guide him from the temple courtyard and out into the street.

Realizing that Gojyo's awareness was trapped in another world for whatever reason and knowing full well that he couldn't help him at that moment, Long urged with a sad sigh, "Go home, son. There's nothing you can do for Zan now."

No response was forthcoming from the forlorn man who stood nearby, shoulders hunched over and head down as something similar to shock began to set in as a result of the terribly private emotional firestorm he had just experienced.

Long cast a glance back at the cluster of people inside the temple and felt relieved that his wife and a small group of concerned friends seemed to have the irrational doctor well in hand before he sighed again and asked, "Are you all right, Gojyo? What happened to you back there?"

Empty red eyes filled with sadness slowly rose and regarded him for a moment, then the youth who had never seemed this weak and lost before answered sadly, "I knew I shouldn't have come." Shaking his head and not saying anything else for fear his voice might break and the tears that threatened to fall might slip free, Gojyo stared blankly at the tips of his black boots without even seeing them.

"Damn it all," Long cursed softly, truly regretting that scenes like this were all too frequent and no easier to cope with for his years of experience as a healer who occasionally had to deal with the results of his own limitations as a doctor. Then, after getting a small smile and a wave of reassurance from his wife that told him to do whatever he needed to for the stunned teen, he said more loudly, "Let me help you get home, all right, Gojyo?"

"yeah, sure. whatever," the painfully quiet gambler answered and then allowed the other man to lead him in silence to the apartment that was now his only refuge.

*****

When they arrived at the drab door that lead into the small residence, Long regarded the young man beside him who had remained unspeaking and possibly unseeing during their journey together, then asked, "Are you going to be all right, Gojyo?"

There was only a vague nod of a crimson-tressed head for an answer and this bothered the physician enough that he changed tactics and asked pointedly, "Can I trust you to be able to care for Nanashi in your present condition?" He let his words sink in for a moment then added a carefully calculated though false threat, "If you can't do that, then I can't allow him to remain here with only you for a caregiver at the moment."

The gambit worked all too well as one might expect and Gojyo's head immediately snapped upright as he growled, "Of *course* I can take care of him! No one--and I mean *no* one!--is taking him away from me!!"

The fire that raged suddenly in sunset-colored eyes was far more reassuring than he himself knew and even as Gojyo shifted his weight so as to be prepared to fight or argue more effectively, Long calmed him saying, "I had no desire to remove him from your home, Gojyo. But you must understand that as lost as you've been for the last half-hour or so, I was understandably concerned. He is, after all, my patient as much as he is your friend and we owe him the best care we can offer him."

"I know that," Gojyo grumbled unhappily. Then he shoved his hands deep into his pockets trying to ward off a sudden resurgence of the urge to cry as Zan's hurtful words echoed in his mind once more. Too clearly, he heard the usually gentle physician telling him to get away from her and that the simple sight of him caused her pain. With a miserable sniffle he hoped would go unheard, he asked quietly, "Is she going to be all right, Long? Zan, I mean. Is she going to be able to pull herself together after all that?"

Shaking his head tiredly, the older man glanced away from the emotionally overwrought teen and as he stared at the cloudless azure sky above them he remarked truthfully, "I have no idea, Gojyo. She's been through a lot in her life and I was afraid this might happen, but whether or not she can recover from it is something we'll have to wait and see, I'm afraid."

The physician took a deep breath and noted that the somewhat pale youth beside him appeared to be in control of himself once more despite vague hints that a mild state of shock was beginning to affect him. Then Long said sadly, "I wish I could stay long enough to check on Nanashi, Gojyo, but I really need to get back to the temple. My wife is a phenomenal nurse and can handle almost anything, but if Zan becomes even more irrational, it might be best if I was there in case she needs to be medicated."

Nodding his head slowly and hoping that there wasn't any tell-tale redness in his eyes that might reflect how close to tears he himself had been for some time now, Gojyo agreed, "I understand, doc. Do what you've got to do. Don't worry about Nanashi and me, though. We hit a pretty rough spot this morning and got past it okay." He gazed at the closed door almost wistfully and then added with greater confidence, "I'm starting to think he and I can get through almost anything life throws at us as long as we stay together."

Long frowned slightly and knew there was something much deeper in the teen's words than he had time to explore, then he simply patted Gojyo on the back encouragingly and told him, "That's good to hear." With a slight smile of apology he added, "I truly didn't wish to have to imply that I'd ever try to force the two of you apart, but I had to do something to bring you back to your senses."

"Yeah, I know that now," the crimson-haired man agreed. Then he forced a smile he didn't feel onto his lips and said, "Well, doc, good luck with getting Zan put back together. She really is a nice lady and I hope she's able to pull through this."

"Same here," the physician agreed then turned away, heading back to the maelstrom he'd left behind at the temple. As he departed, Long heard the apartment door being pulled open and knew that if the scarlet-eyed teen found the rush of emotions from the difficult morning too hard to contain, at least he had an ally in the verdant-eyed stranger he'd rescued and befriended.

*****

Once the door was safely closed behind him once more, Gojyo slumped against it tiredly for a moment wishing with all his heart that he'd never stepped beyond it that morning. As if the pain hadn't left him for even a moment, Zan's words returned to him in a sudden flood and they overlapped so perfectly with some of the things the youkai that had raised him had screamed at him when he was a child that he felt completely overwhelmed.

The burning fire of salty tears finally won free and even as the first one left a shining trail on the scarred cheek where the half-breed's stepmother had marked him for life, a soft, sleepy tenor called out in confusion, "gojyo? is that you?"

Long-lashed, ruby-colored eyes had drifted shut without the gambler even being aware of it yet they stayed that way as he answered in a voice roughened by the effort of trying to hold back tears that were determined to fall all the same, "yeah, nanashi, it's only me, babe." He turned his face away from his roommate not wanting him to be witness to his unmanly show of weakness.

With a muffled grunt of discomfort as he shifted on the bed so that he could rise up on one elbow and peer worriedly at his companion, Gonou called out more loudly, "What is it, Gojyo?" There was no answer so he added more urgently, "What's wrong, my friend?" As if of its own accord, his free arm extended towards the miserable figure who seemed to shun him, silently beckoning to the other man to come to him and trust him with whatever pain he felt.

When he got no reply yet was certain he heard a choking noise as if the other man was weeping quietly, the emerald-eyed man forced the haziness of the painkillers in his bloodstream aside and nearly begged as he pleaded, "Please, Gojyo, don't turn away from me! I'd get out of this bed to come and help you if I could, but I can't!"

The feelings of misery regarding his current situation were clear in his words and echoed an unspoken indictment against himself as Gonou measured the possible risks of his attempting to rise when he knew it was contraindicated. However, his rapidly growing fears for Gojyo's well being were so great that he wanted more than anything to be beside him at that moment. In fact, the heavily bandaged brunette almost chose to throw caution to the wind and try to go to him regardless of the probable reinjury that would surely follow such a dangerous course of action.

The agony in Gonou's voice finally penetrated the miasma surrounding Gojyo's mind and with an effort, he opened both red-rimmed eyes and gazed at the man who continued to reach towards him despite the obvious physical pain it was causing him to do so.

Angrily shaking his head and knowing he'd never forgive himself if his friend suffered even in the slightest because of him, the distraught teen pushed away from the door and automatically shrugged out of the black leather duster ignoring it as it pooled on the floor. He then crossed the room and sank down onto the bed facing the person he now realized was his closest friend.

Sighing deeply and then letting his head hang down as he forced himself to recall what the last thing Gonou had said to him was, Gojyo answered with greater honesty than he meant to, "I would never turn away from you, Nanashi. Of all the people I've ever known, only my brother ever meant as much to me as you do, babe." His head rose a fraction and he gazed directly into a face that somehow seemed otherworldly and he stated truthfully, "I'd sooner cut off my own arm than leave you out of my life now."

A softness entered an eye that resembled a piece of living jade in the darkened room and without hesitation, Gonou let himself lean back onto his pillows and held out both arms inviting the exhausted man into an embrace hoping to offer him solace regardless of what was bothering him. Not sufficiently aware of what was transpiring to feel shocked that he was accepting such kindness without question, Gojyo allowed himself to slump fully against the recumbent man for only a moment.

As the physical awkwardness of their strange position sank in, though, the taller of the two decided to make some slight modifications.

Removing himself from his roommate's arms for as short a time as possible, the scarlet-eyed man toed off his boots then slid under the covers and moved to actually lay side by side with the person whose only desire at that moment was to help him feel better. As Gonou's surprisingly strong arms wrapped themselves around him once more, Gojyo relaxed into the warm hug and allowed himself to be pulled close enough that he could feel his bangs waver slightly in the gentle breeze of the other man's breath.

"Would you like to tell me what's wrong, Gojyo?" Gonou asked quietly, then added with an understanding tenderness worthy of the finest empath in the land, "Or would you prefer to simply lay here and rest for the moment?"

Turning towards his bedmate more fully and nestling his face against the crook of the brunette's neck, Gojyo allowed himself to sob very, very softly even as he felt a tentative hand caress the back of his head soothingly. Unaware that some of the wetness on his face was being transferred to the warm skin he found such profound comfort in, the deeply saddened gambler sniffled back another sob then murmured, "i don't wanna talk about it. okay, nanashi?" His tears were flowing more freely now and the shaken teen silently admitted it was impossible to hide them.

"shh, shh," Gonou quieted him softly and allowed one hand to begin to gently massage Gojyo's too tense shoulders and neck even as the other continued to thread itself through the loose waves of deep red silk that flowed across their shared pillow like a river of non-burning flames. With a soft sigh, he very quietly assured the man in his arms, "whatever you need is fine with me, gojyo. we can just stay here together for as long as you like."

A silent nod of the head buried against him was the only answer he received at first. But then as more teardrops trailed down to paint the pale column of his own throat, Gonou knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that things at the temple had not gone well for his friend and it pained him deeply to know that Gojyo was suffering.

Eventually the knotted muscles beneath the white silk shirt loosened in response to Gonou's efforts and then the former teacher whispered as tenderly as possible, "it's all right to cry when you're hurting, gojyo."

There was a soft sob slightly louder than those that preceded it and Gonou felt sufficiently emboldened to reach down and gently guide the other man's chin upwards so that he was gazing into tear-soaked, blood-red eyes as he added softly, "no matter what, i'm here for you, gojyo. cry as much as you need to, it won't make me think less of you, my dear friend."

Hoping to provide comfort as well as to say what words couldn't, Gonou ever so slowly brought his lips against those of the distraught man in his arms the way that a voice from deep within his soul urged him to without doubt that it would be reciprocated.

Perhaps it was the fact that he was already in a mild state of shock or perhaps it was the fact that this felt wonderfully right and familiar, but either way, Sha Gojyo did not hesitate in the slightest to accept the priceless treasure he was offered. Despite the tears that now poured forth from his eyes without guilt or shame, a sense of forgiveness and strength began to fill his heart even as his lips parted ever so slightly in response to the gentle pressure against them. There was no light touch of wet warmth that would signal an exploration of his willing mouth neither was there anything overtly sexual in the kiss, yet the mingling of breath between the two men carried an intimacy the infamous playboy had never experienced in this lifetime.

By the same token, the quiet brunette was somewhat astounded to realize that he couldn't recall ever sharing an exchange as tender and loving with the child-like girl he'd once shared his home with as he was with a man who was doing the same for him. It filled Gonou with wonder that this depth of feeling was even possible in what he wrongly assumed was his own nearly dead murderer's heart.

The unanticipated recollection of his heinous crimes slammed a deep, stabbing pain into the human-turned-youkai's heart and with a sob of his own, Gonou moved to break the contact he shared with his bedmate. [1]

Unwilling to forsake the tender lifeline he was clinging to so tenaciously, Gojyo refused to let the kiss end so abruptly. Quickly moving to carefully cup the back of his roommate's head in one firm hand and thereby immobilize it, he unknowingly used his friend's words from mere moments before as smiled entreatingly and begged softly, "don't turn away from me, nanashi. i need you now."

Forcing his feelings of unworthiness aside in light of the other man's plea, Gonou relaxed into the embrace that was now far more equally given than it was before and then said in a tone that held neither hesitation nor regret, "then I will stay." He returned the kiss briefly, then added sadly, "for as long as you need me, i'll do my best to stay, gojyo."

Peering at his friend through moist eyes and finding his thoughts far too muddled for his liking, Gojyo asked in a small voice, "but what if i need you to stay forever?" The symptoms of shock that were overtaking him were making it harder and harder to stay focused on reality yet somehow deep inside he knew this was exactly and precisely what he wanted to know more than anything else.

Feeling his throat tightening as he wordlessly refused to promise to stay when there was one last duty he owed to Kanan as well as a far greater debt he owed society thereafter, Gonou drew a shuddering breath that filled his awareness with his friend's scent. Then the sorrowful brunette closed his own tear-damp, verdant eye, unwilling to see the expected disappointment on his partner's face when he failed to answer.

Mistaking silence for agreement, Gojyo gratefully pulled his friend's lips back against his own and sighed contentedly into the kiss even as his tears began to slowly abate. A strange combination of sleep and unconsciousness reached out to draw him to itself and after he tightened his arms more firmly around the slender yet unquestionably male body pressed against his own, he let go and sailed away into the darkness willingly.

Throughout the emotionally charged moments following Gojyo's return to the apartment, Gonou had successfully fought off the cloying effects of the powerful painkillers that still coursed through his bloodstream. Now, though, as his roommate lay peacefully resting against him, their arms wrapped around one another as if they had always slept this way, the sleep-inducing effects of the medication swept back over him once more dragging him, too, into slumber.

The afternoon would eventually wend its way past without either man's awareness of it.

When it came to pass that Gojyo drifted back into consciousness in late evening, he would find their entangled arms and legs a source of concern instead of reassurance since he immediately feared he might have hurt the recovering patient by sleeping with him that way. His memories of the possibly life-changing events shared with Gonou after Long had escorted him home would be vague at best and it would be almost a month before he could recall them fully.

It would take the impact of a strangely powerful bullet into the door of Gojyo's home to jar loose the memory of a moment's weakness and a request made of a man he truly did not know at the time. Yet that recollection would add fuel to the burning desire he would come to feel to see the brunette at least once more after they parted company too quickly, a fire that would solidify into a white hot sword of agony when he thought Gonou dead instead of merely absent.

As for Gonou himself, he, too, would be unable to recall the tender details of the day clearly due to the painkillers that had unfortunately been flowing throughout his system at the time. In spite of this lack of understanding, he would somehow immediately realize that after that crucial encounter the bed where he remained as he recovered from his life-threatening injuries seemed far too large and cold for him to lie alone within it. Whether or not some form of cosmic mercy might be shown him in the near future and he might find himself once more accompanied therein by an increasingly cherished masculine form was uncertain, however.

As usual, Kanzeon bosatsu wasn't paying attention to at least two of her many pawns at this point and therefore anything could happen given the right mix of chance, luck, and a certain amount of interference from a blue-haired bishounen who had already taken note of Gojyo's attractive roommate.

After all, even if there was no justice in the lives of these two men who shared an eternal, soul-deep bond, at least there was balance and if they'd shared sadness wasn't it only right that they might share some small measure of happiness as well someday?

*****

To be continued.

Author's Notes:

[1] Considering how much fanfiction I've read for this series, it surprises me that I'm still uncertain what would be the best term for Gonou/Hakkai as far as his transition from humanity to youkai is concerned. Despite being quite certain that at this point he is indeed fully youkai in all the ways that seem to count most in the world of "Saiyuki", if at all possible, I prefer to indicate that he wasn't born that way. If anyone has a better term for this than the possibly awkward one that I used here, feel free to let me know so I at least have some other choices for the future. Thanks in advance for any suggestions you wish to share.