################### part 3 : « New Deal. »   How true. You never know over what you can stumble… It’s what Gojyo was thinking of as he left the house in the forest.   During the rainy night he had found Hakkai, he didn’t remember at all the cards’ tale. That evening, all was grey: as the gloomy rain as the silent night. He was walking in a kind of confused fog of various thoughts.   And then, He was there. First, Gojyo had simply thought it was a corpse. But when you’ve seen the corpse of your beloved « mother », once, why would you fear the corpse of an unknown stranger? He came closer again. And stared. A fellow brother human…Around his age…The kappa looked at him the way you would contemplate the mirror of your own death in the one of a person who could have been you indeed …   Will I die too, if you die? the strange thought came. He didn’t dare voice it. He just nudged the body with his foot. And pale eyelids came open, revealing dark emeralds in the stead of two irises. As sudden as lightning, all was different. A few seconds ago, he was still wallowing in his own red and now… Lady Luck was offering him another colour to consider…Green. In spite of the gloomy atmosphere he noticed that point well. Because he watched intently the green. Something within the green colour stirred in his mind. Even if he would remember the cards’ call only during the long days and hours he would spent at the bedside of the sleeper. Waiting for him to open these eyes one time again.   Complementary. That’s true they were. Not only in colour. Antagonist to the point it was almost funny. To the point people often turned on their heels to stare at them any time they were together. To the point the presence of the other around was the same kind of certitude as the one you have two hands. To the point the need of the Other sometimes hurt.   oOoOoOo   And suddenly on this lonely muddy path, you’re looking at yourself following like a hound the faint tracks of the one who is gone, breathing the fresh wet air as if you could catch his smell in it… Now, you’re feeling like a hunter. But this instinct is not led by mere hunger. Yet, you’re feeling as if it was a matter of your own survival.   First, it was easy: the area is well known of you. You just have not to forget you’re looking for something (no, somebody) and not only aimlessly wandering. Your intimate knowledge of the brunette’s mind makes sometimes things easy: you just know. Which footpaths he likes to take, which landscape he enjoys looking at. Maybe he has chosen those paths more willingly. The colour of that flower, like a spot in the green, you are sure it has caught his eyes (it’s red…). But everybody has limits.   Unfortunately, you realize you’re nothing like the saru who is used to follow his master by the smell (if not leading him by the nose, most of the time… Poor blind monk…), and you don’t even know exactly how much time ago your « prey » has left. And after the strange frenzy of the first miles, almost running… All that you understand, now, is that the trail is cold. You’re a pathetic (and slightly out of shape since you spent to much time in the bars, lately) gambler, but no hunter. Running? But what for if you don’t know where you’re heading? So, you stop walking. Just like that. Because how the hell are you going to fulfill the task you’ve given to yourself?   oOoOoOo   Forest is empty around him and Hakkai won’t be as easy to find as the dying Gonou, especially if he doesn’t want to. The way the youkai seems to have vanished from Earth’s surface tells enough the hanyou about his will not to be found again. He wouldn’t have chosen a place where he was well-known. So what, now?   Gojyo’s mirthless laughter echoed in the surroundings as he found the answer. In one of his pockets, his hand fished a familiar shape: one of the little coins he was always carrying around. His fingers played with the golden item for a while, catching scarce rays of light flowing through the partly autumn-coloured leaves above him.   It always came to the same point, didn’t it? Somebody would abandon him and he would leave as well. And he would seek his destination in hazard.   Gojyo stared at the two roads parting before his very eyes. The ground was too dry to hope finding tracks, here. The coin flew very high, almost to the point touching the foliages and fell back in his hand. Left. He tried not to remember that day Hakkai had told him that the old word for left was « sinister »…(1) This path looked indeed darker and wilder than the other. Maybe more attractive for a runaway, so. He walked stubbornly the whole day. It was almost dusk as he reached a tiny village (only a few houses) well-hidden in a shady hollow. The most lit up of all (which was not much really) could be a mediocre inn. Why not? He entered the place.   The hanyou scanned the crowd. More numerous than he had thought from outside and too busy to really care about his arrival: it was for the better. Lady Luck (he realized his hand in his pocket was still gripping the little coin) was with him, for once. Gojyo could see him, just overthere. A few steps through the customers and he would be able to reach Hakkai, talk to him.   But he understood he was unable to do the last steps even after the long walk to arrive till here. Gojyo could only stand here, frozen, and look at his friend from afar. If he still could call him that. It’s how he gave up. He had been stupid enough to trust cards. Cards were only useless paper sheets. He shouldn’t seek his fate in cards. He wouldn’t do the same mistake again. And omens were bullshit. Green and red, hu? He was already turning around to go out of the busy little inn as somebody grabbed his arm.   « Green and red! I knew it! » a female voice almost shouted at his ear to cover the room’s rumour. He looked down. Cassandra, who else? Looking like working here, a huge tray covered with empty glasses leaning over her right hip. She didn’t bother with greeting the redhead, she just averted her eyes to look towards the fireplace at the back of the room…   « Hakkai-san! Somebody’s here for you! » she cried out even louder over the crowd. The kappa could have sworn he heard a delighted laughter in her musical voice. He was caught.   The green-eyed youkai raised up his head in wonder at the call and beheld the halfbreed. Hakkai’s first reaction was to smile at first sight, like usual any time the hanyou came around. But it faltered quickly as he remembered why he had left. The youkai tried to leave his chair and reach the other way out of the inn. But even before knowing it, Gojyo had caught up with him with a few strides through the customers. Without thinking, he grabbed the youkai by the shoulder.   Gotcha.   It surprised him how triumphantly the word rang in his head, with a heavy pang of relief in the same time. Tension left him suddenly. And the hanyou found himself at loss of words as the other one eventually looked at him, a little uneasy, his bag still hanging from his shoulder… Silence could have lasted long like that…A little embarrassed, Gojyo let go of the green fabric of his friend’s shirt, but remained standing very near. (2)   All Hakkai could do was following, now. The now-waitress-seer led them to a small room without a word. Now that they were alone in there, Gojyo wasn’t sure what to do any more.   Once again, he felt the need to touch to be sure the other one was really here, and most of all be sure he wouldn’t escape again. Coming closer, he didn’t dare a hug, it would have been a little awkward. But the grip of his hand enclosed Hakkai’s arm in some kind of urge of contact. He felt suddenly very possessive. He brought the youkai closer to speak near the green-eyed one’s ear.   « So, now you have to explain what happened last night. Why did you leave? You told me you would stay, once. »   Reproach made his voice hoarse.   The quiet intake of breath before talking had brought to Gojyo’s nose the strong scent of rain, wet earth and decaying leaves from the green garments. The smell of the forest he went through to end here. And underlying on the skin, lingering here as he leaned in slightly closer towards the youkai’s neck, it was purely Hakkai’s. Or, not…There was also a trace of tabacco which couldn’t be Hakkai’s…so… No, it was the smell of home, he realized in quiet wonder.   Enthralled in his small discovery, the kappadidn’t notice Hakkai’s little silence before answering. He was taken aback. Did he really say that? When…? Ho.   So, stay. Almost a plea. Hakkai frowned slightly in concentration while recalling the strange evening. The old word rang so clear in his mind:   Hai, he had simply answered. It was the first time he really remembered it, in fact. It was so obvious he would stay, he had never thought of this day again after that. And he really meant it, then. He just couldn’t predict what would happen, right? So, had he really broken a oath by leaving? But how do you keep a promise if you don’t know exactly what you are? If you can’t count on yourself to remain true to your word?   « Why did you leave, so? I don’t understand at all, » Gojyo resumed.   The green–eyed youkai had no idea what to expect from his roommate as he had found him. He didn’t even think the man would seek him. And, sure, he didn’t expect simply that. What happened? What a strange question! He had left not to have to face it. And because he thought the hanyou wouldn’t want either. And now…It was as if Gojyo didn’t know at all what his friend did yesterday. But Hakkai knew. The scene of the whole evening played again in his mind like an old film, but strangely vivid. It was strange.   Hakkai heaved a deep sigh. He tried to carefully put his words:   « The real question is not why I left…It’s why I couldn’t stay. »   #### interlude : « Leaving » #### I can’t stay.   Because after what happened, it had been the green-eyed youkai’s only certitude. He was looking at the kappa still out cold on the floor and it was the only clear thought present in his guilt-stricken mind. It was too serious. Even begging forgiveness at the hanyou’s awakening wouldn’t be enough. He would have been unable to get the words « gomen nasai » past his throat, anyway, because he knew there was no excuse for what he had done.   Gojyo hadn’t seen anything, of course. Wasn’t even awake afterwards. Maybe that’s why the hanyou couldn’t really grasp his friend’s state of mind. During the minute Hakkai made this decision to go away, he had been all fear. Fear of what he was. Fear of the violence swirling inside him which he hadn’t been able to master enough to control himself. Was it what it was to be a youkai? The fact is, it made the decision almost easy for somebody the thought never even once brushed he would have to leave the place one day.   He didn’t felt like being forgiven. The fact he knew Gojyo certainly would didn’t help the matter at all, he thought too, while taking care of his inconscious friend nonetheless and carrying the hanyou to his bed. That’s why he packed is stuffs in such a strange frenzy. The only thing he wanted was to be forgotten. Leaving without a trace was his only wish. As if he had stained anything he had touched in the house. That’s why he tried not to forget any of his few belongings… It wasn’t some kind of greed motivating him, of course not!   He couldn’t let it happen again, and he wouldn’t allow it. What if he would become a batterer as he dreaded once? Indeed, even if because of twisted circumstances, he had hit Gojyo because he was a taboo child. And the thought was sickening. Even more sickening than the words the hanyou had said. He really wanted to erase every single memory of the days he had spent in here so far. In order to erase what happened one single day.    There were nights like that. The hanyou would come back home very late in the evening (meaning very early in the morning rather). Nothing much really, most of the time: the gambler would have spent the night with some woman whose name he would have forgotten in the morning, even bragging about how sweet her skin was in front of his breakfast…   But it wasn’t always the case. In fact, it was the very few times Gojyo hadn’t found a suitable bedmate Hakkai had learnt to fear. First, the hanyou would be much more drunk than usual. To the point it was a wonder he had remembered where he lived and managed to reach the place. It was enough in itself to be worried. If the former teacher was lucky, the hanyou would fall asleep instantaneously and he would simply have to drag him to his bed. Or…   He would be conscious enough and would talk. And Hakkai dreaded these words, because alcohol had the power to make the walls down. All of them. And Gojyo would say things. It made him sick.   Gojyo was a good man. Hakkai had learned to know him. He had learned to care about him. He was so much more than the words hanyou or taboo-child much people used to brand him. It was easy to despise these people who spoke like that of his friend; but what could he do whenever his friend called himself unworthy of living? The horror and the pain to hear such words were chilling, because how could Gojyo even think such a thing? How many people had told him so for him believing it could be true?   Hakkai couldn’t stand it. It hurt him too, so deep he could remember during a split second what pain was, he who had hardly felt anything (or refused to) since he had been turned into « Cho Hakkai ». It just had to stop, even if it was Gojyo talking of himself. He begged him to stop saying such things.   A few times, it had worked because his voice could still reach the man in the bottom of his despair and his drunken stupor. The card-shark would suddenly shut up and look at the brunette with a strange light in his scarlet eyes and would call his name with the edge of a pending enquiry, as if it was a wonder his presence here at his side.                Not yester night. Because that time, so enthralled in his own delirium, the kappa wouldn’t listen… But at some level, the former human just snapped. Just like that. The hanyou had to stop or he, Hakkai, would be the one screaming through the red veil fallen on his vision. Hakkai hadn’t felt his hand turning into a tight fist. He realized he had struck only as he felt the pain in his own knuckles.   Gojyo had fallen like a doll. No exclamation. The fist flying towards his face, he had looked at it coming as if he hadn’t understood. As if it was an impossibility suddenly come true. Hakkai doesn’t touch people… How would he hit?   But the question wasn’t the how. The question was the why. Words. Simple words of self-loathing from his friend. It was strange how Hakkai had been utterly unable to bear it. The way the hanyou had talked of himself… How come it affected him that way? Hakkai didn’t dare thinking of it. He just had to make him stop! His calm came back with the silence in the main room. And then realization.   Know yourself. Learn to master the beast inside you, now, had said the Three Aspects. Good program. But for the new-born youkai, it meant a scary discovery of what laid behind the humanity’s mask. He had thought limiters were enough to keep violence in check. He had been almost able to forget what he was, that evening. As if nothing had changed in his body and in his soul. As if he hadn’t been marked by his deeds. But now… How easily his self-control had been broken! It had just snapped without warning.   Power or feelings, he wasn’t sure he was able to master them without endangering people around him. Endangering Gojyo.   So he chose to leave. Simple, isn’t it?   The road he had followed, he hardly remembered. And that’s how he had ended here around noon. He had been welcomed by a pretty little woman so friendly (and he being so polite) he couldn’t avoid telling her his name. He decided he would spend a few hours resting, but would leave again at the falling of the night. He didn’t feel far enough yet to stop.   « By the way, I love your eyes, » she said by leaving to bring him tea and food, as if the sentence had a meaning he couldn’t get.   A few hours later, Gojyo was here too. Hakkai couldn’t decide whether he was happy or not.   ##### fin de l’interlude #####   « Why did you leave, so? I don’t understand at all.»   And Hakkai talked, looking at the empty space while speaking. And Gojyo was listening intently, of course. But the more words were flowing from Hakkai’s mouth, the more the hanyou felt himself wonder.  

It was all? I said something like that and it was enough to…

  It was beyond his understanding. A long time ago, maybe it would have made some sense…Maybe he remembered his brother having had that kind of reaction and being angry at him (or even really upset) for the way of his little bro’ was talking about what he was. Gojyo was only a child in that times, and all he knew was that his « mother » refused to love him. It was so easy after that to believe all the awful things the other people in the village said about him or what he was. Jien had tried to explain to him why it hurt so much to hear his baby brother speaking like that and most of all why Gojyo hadn’t have the right to even believe it. Then, almost shyly, Jien would always add he loved him anyway and tell him again that it hurt to hear those words in his mouth. But Jien was Jien. He was his brother, so he cared. Hakkai wasn’t his brother. He shouldn’t be pained by such words. He was supposed to be like everybody else and believe these words. But it wasn’t the case…   Gojyo. Don’t you ever dare think such a thing would ever make me despise you.    Ok. Maybe Hakkai cared, so. It was almost unbelievable, almost a miracle, something he never would have thought would happen to him again after Jien. Jien who had left, eventually. Because his fierce love for a brother who wasn’t worth it had bent him to kill his own mother. Of course Jien couldn’t stand to lay his eyes on him again, after that…   But Hakkai? What had he done to arrive at the same result? He had left as everybody else had, eventually. Maybe the green-eyed youkai somehow read the interrogation on his features…   « I wounded you, » only shrugged Hakkai. The hanyou’s hand flew on its own towards his jaw, brushing the dark bruise on his skin. He saw the former human’s wince for this gesture reminded him the blow he had given was still hurting his friend. He shot again an apologetic glance at the kappa.   Not the way you think, could have said Gojyo. But the hanyou never had been really good at expressing his feelings. He sighed. Maybe it was time for him to change a little. He couldn’t ask Hakkai to open up to him if he wasn’t able to do it a little, too…   « It hurts more when you’re not here. I just can’t let you go like that… » he answered looking wherever in the little room as long as it wasn’t towards the green-eyed youkai. But false pretexts were so much easier, even if the meaning of the sentence was still hanging in the silence between them. « …Ma! It’s too easy fleecing Tonpu and the other ones in the tavern… I need a decent card partner once in a while to spare with me, after all! »   Hakkai spoke again at last:   « Maybe you’re the taboo child, but I am the one bringing bad luck around me… » he whispered softly.   « I don’t care about bad luck, » retorted at once the kappa. « I know how to cheat at cards! »   This time, Gojyo heard Hakkai’s small laughter welcoming the strange answer. The green-eyed youkai would have been unable to explain the why of this sudden mirth he felt because of such a light conversation. As for Gojyo, he had missed that sound badly. When he was a young hanyou, a lot of people had laughed because of him. It was because people were wicked. It was because people hated what he was. As long as he had been a child, he had hated the laughter. The only one he could cherish was his brother’s one every time they had been playing tricks to each other, or just speaking about the life they wanted to have later, sharing dreams. He was all a grown-up now, and knew that dreams were only dreams… But Hakkai was different. His laughter was a light thrill of wistful mirth. It never hurt. Even if sometimes he knew Hakkai well enough to understand whenever his friend could use it like a shield, exactly like himself was using his obnoxious behaviour to hide a part of him.   « So, how come I always win? » asked Hakkai looking at him straight in his eyes, this time.   « Because you aren’t a bad deal, » answered solemnly the card shark.   « I see. »   « No, you don’t, » cut quickly Gojyo. « But as far as you come back with me, everything is going to be alright. »   But unexpectedly, Hakkai seemed to be cowed again. The kappa felt his hopes crumble. What he feared the most, his worst demons had always been the others’ look; Hakkai had almost healed him of that, somehow. But as for him, what Gojyo could do about the former human’s inner demons (or inner youkai should I say?). He couldn’t fight what was inside the other one even if he could see that was hurting him…   « Hakkai, » sighed the kappa. « Sometimes you make me miserable. »   After a short dispirited pause, though, he added with a sudden wild grin blossoming and the familiar glint of the gambler burning in his red irises: « Heads, I win so you stay. Tails, I lose and you…do whatever you want. »   In a smooth gesture, he took something in his trousers and sent it towards the ceiling. The little metallic disc was already high in the air, Hakkai couldn’t protest any more. All was a question of luck, now. A bet.   It’s now or never. I can’t lose.   As the coin fell, Gojyo caught it flying, and put it decisively on the back of his left hand, covering it with the other. Standing still, unmoving, slightly leaning forward as if to have a better view on his own hands…Maybe suddenly unsure.   It was so different of the man Hakkai used to know! It was kinda disturbing, but somewhat very revealing. The kappa took a deep breath before removing his other hand in order to watch the coin. But a third hand enclosed his wrist first, preventing him to have a decent look. Hakkai spoke slowly as the coin remained hidden under the hanyou’s palm.   « You win. Trust me, I always guess right. You well know, don’t you? »   Because who was he to decide in the stead of Gojyo whether he was still willing to take the risk to have him around?   Gojyo nodded once.   « Fine, » concluded Hakkai by releasing his grip. The coin disappeared swiftly in a pocket. The gambler (what a shame) didn’t dare look at the result. As Hakkai said, it was fine.   oOoOoOo   « You’re leaving together? » called a female voice as they came downstairs a few minutes later. Hakkai nodded. (3) oOoOoOo   They were walking in a companionable silence. A quality of silence which always amazed Gojyo to no end. He had experienced a lot of silences since the day he had left home years ago, just after Jien. Contempt’s silence. Hate’s silence. Ignorance’s silence. Sated with meaningless sex silence. Silence was the lack of human warmth. But this one was quite different.   « The namagusa bouzu asked me once why you keep staying at my place. »   Gojyo wasn’t really expecting an answer. He had spoken without meaning it, only because he was thinking of the events of the day just gone by. Hakkai felt something was strange with him but answered nonetheless.   « Oh. He asked me once, too, in Chou an. »   « And? »   « I didn’t answer. »   Because, I mean, he never remembers what day to take the trash out. I'm rather  worried... You can’t call that an answer, right?   « I don’t know whether I have the right to hold on you like that, » Hakkai added after a few minutes. That was true, he really meant it.   The kappa’s remembered the reproach in the monk’s voice as he had stated he took too much the brunette for granted. It was almost funny to learn Hakkai nurtured the same interrogation at his regard.   « Look. You’re not even gone a whole day and I was already feeling lost. Like a stranger in my own house. So who is the one clinging to the other, here, I wonder… »   There’s no right time to say how much you care about somebody. You never know with certitude. And this isn’t easy word. Right now, in the darkness, Gojyo could have told Hakkai about the strange discover he had just done. Walking gave time to think. Time to realize. Things were already quite different from before. Before Hakkai. It wasn’t very long until he could put a name on the feeling.   Acceptance of the need of the other’s presence. Knowledge that the other cared. It was clear, wasn’t it?   They already had that. And nothing was going to change anytime soon since Hakkai was coming back home. Gojyo thought he had time to sort out his feelings. He postponed.   He gambled.   Ten steps. If nothing happens before ten steps, maybe I’ll tell him right now.   He began counting down silently…Right foot after left foot…   Ten – nine – eight - … -   So it was the moment, hu? The place was nice. The only sound was the soft ruffling of the leaves left in the branches by the fresh night’s breeze. The moonlight was poor, but gave a dreamy atmosphere to the scene. Out of the reality of crude daylight, it would be easier to talk. Why not after all…   Two - …   Gojyo took a deep breath. Was about to open his mouth, as…   As a little white dragon crashed down at Hakkai’s feet in a dusty cloud of sand and with a weak cry. The moment was gone. They had suddenly new matters to think of.   …   « Hey! You can’t just pick it up like that! You don’t even know what it is! »   « Why not? Where would I be now, if somebody hadn’t just picked me up, once? »   They came back home. They were three, now… And life went on. Gojyo felt good in the new routine of his little house. He never thought of that night again. He had all he wanted.   oOo Owari oOo   (1)  « sinister »… OK, I don’t know really wether the Latin root works in English too. Though the couple sinistra/dextra (left/right) works for latin, and dextre/senestre in old French (or in coat of arms for example)…Left side was said to be the unfavourable one in augurs, hence the sinister adjective (but you can’t expect Gojyo explain you that all correctly; it’s Hakkai who is the sensei, right ?)…Tell me if it makes no sense, I’ll remove the sentence.   (2)  (director’s cut) « I you need a place a little bit quieter, the room 58 is free. And don’t ask me how it got called 58 while we have only 11 rooms in the whole inn… » Cassandra interfered, a mop of messy blond hair popping up from the crowd behind and joining them… « That’s OK, we take it, » Gojyo said at once.   (3)  (director’s cut) Cassandra turned on her heels and kicked Gojyo’s shin, surprising greatly the green-eyed youkai by the way. « Now pay me! » she added. The former teacher understood somehow she wasn’t speaking of the room’s price. « Don’t try to understand: it’s an old bet and she has won… » « Sure I have! » « What kind of bet? » « Ten bucks more if you shut up… » Gojyo breathed discreetly near her ear, leaning in… « I don’t remember exactly. It’s been a long time. But I’ve got a better memory with figures and money: I think it’s the waitress’ job: the number of unpaid bills is amazing in a bar! I Know I won but he was broke that day… » She shrugged innocently. « Knowing him a little, I’m sure it was about cards or women… » « No doubt… » Hakkai agreed politely but smiling slightly. She was…weird. « No journey scheduled? » she shouted as a last call. They were already outside. « Nope, we’re just going home, » Gojyo answered above his shoulder. « Too bad… » she sounded utterly disappointed, looking at them disappearing. Very…weird.