Gensomaden Saiyuki Fan Fiction ❯ I Am Songfic ❯ I Am Songfic ( Chapter 1 )

Author's Notes: I make nothing off this and claim not rights to the characters. All rights to the characters remains with their creator(s). The song used for this is called I Am…. and is by the band Covenant. All rights for the song belong to the artists.

 

** indicates internal voices

 

I Am….

 

 

I am the rhythm…

And the noise.

I am....

I am the voices in your blood.

Your blood....

 

 

They began so quietly, I never even noticed when the voices first started. At first, I thought it was simply a case of youkai hearing picking up on voices that a normal human wouldn't. What the words were, I couldn't have said at the time. They were too indistinct. Over time, they became clearer.

 

I wish they hadn't.

 

**I am the rhythm that keeps you steady. I'm the voice of reason and experience. I have vast stores of knowledge that are just waiting for you. I have things to tell you that will change your views of everything you think you know, ** said a voice I'd never heard before. I ignored it. Most likely, the voice was just a strange manifestation of my sub-consciousness. Some part of my fractured personality.

 

**I'm the noise. You made me. You wanted me. You needed me. You still want and need me. You call for me when times are desperate. **

 

I knew that voice. That was no delusional collection of thoughts in my mind. That was my youkai self I denied at every turn. He was the noise and I was his creator. At one time, I wanted him and maybe even thought I needed him. I didn't now, but there was no way of sealing that demon back into the dark corners of my mind.

 

**I am one of the many voices in your blood. I've never gone away. Even after that night in Hyakugan Mao's castle when we became youkai, I never really died. I just faded into the background, knowing you'd eventually need me again. I've been waiting for you to realize that. ** said a voice I'd almost forgotten. I was a little startled to hear myself as Cho Gonou. There were subtle differences I'd never noticed before between me as Cho Gonou and me as Cho Hakai.

 

One could only assume that our little group wasn't providing enough entertainment to the gods in heaven on this never ending journey we were on. I suppose that was why I was now being tormented by voices I tried to ignore. Not that I was actually able to do so. How do you ignore voices you can't walk away from? I couldn't. Not really. But I was going to give it one hell of a try. I refused to listen to the voices. I'd been many things over the years. But now, I am Cho Hakkai and I intend to remain that way; voices and demons and former selves be damned.

 

**Your blood…. It runs hot with the demon desires of lust, bloodshed and power. You want it. If you didn't want it, you wouldn't have done what you did that night. You knew what would happen. You knew we would be born from your actions that night, ** the demon said slyly.

 

 

I am....

 

 

True, I knew.

 

But I did it anyway. Had I secretly craved the power of a demon? Or had I gone into that castle intent only on either freeing Kana and dying in the process or avenging her death before falling to demon claws myself? But I lived or maybe survived is a better phrase. And I am Cho Hakkai and I'm not falling prey to any of those voices.

 

 

The rhythm…

And the noise.

The voices in your blood.

 

 

**I'm waiting for you, Hakkai. The seductive rhythm of learning forgotten arts can be yours…. **

 

**And the sweet, rushing noise of demon power surging through your veins. I can feel your desire…. **

 

**We are the voices in your blood. You can't escape us because you can't escape yourself. Eventually, you'll realize that…. **

 

 

I am....

 

 

I squeezed my eyes closed. I'd survived so much already. A few words, no matter how appealing to certain parts of me I'd rather not admit to, could be ignored. I was stronger that this. I am Cho Hakkai and I can do this.

 

“Hey, Hakkai? You okay, man? I've been calling your name for the past five minutes,” Gojyo said in concern as he laid a hand on my arm, shaking me from my inner voices.

 

“Yes, I'm fine. I was just thinking. I'll be down in a few minutes,” I said as I gave him a smile that didn't go anywhere near my eyes.

 

Gojyo looked like he wanted to comment but shook his head instead and left the room. He'd lived with me for far too long to be put off so easily. He'd eventually ask what was really wrong if I didn't tell him on my own. I sighed and headed down to the restaurant to join the rest of my travelling companions. I couldn't do anything about the voices but ignore them, which I fully intended to do. I was very good at ignoring things I didn't want to acknowledge.

 

 

I am the logic…

And the lust.

I am....

I am the poison in your breath.

Your breath....

 

 

The voices were silent for so long after that, I thought I'd dreamed them up. But, no, nothing was ever that simple for me. I sometimes wondered what collection of gods I'd pissed off so thoroughly in a former life to deserve even a fraction of the things that happened to me.

 

**I am the logic you crave, Hakkai. I can help you make sense of all the questions you have. I only want to help you. I only want to share what I know; what you know but have forgotten. We are one and the same, Hakkai. **

 

Oh, god, but that voice was insidious. It knew exactly what I wanted to hear. What I needed to hear to lean fractionally in that direction. I still didn't know who that voice was. I was almost afraid to ask. I had the strangest feeling that everything would change if I learned just who that voice was. That sobering thought caused me to almost give myself whiplash pulling back mentally from what the voice promised me.

 

And when the one voice went silent, another jumped into the void. No rest for the wicked it seemed.

 

**And the lust. I know you feel it. Demon lust is a heady thing. Give in to it. You want Gojyo. He's half demon. He could take the physical act. He'd probably love the kink of a true demon fuck, if he hasn't already done that fine piece of ass that his brother is. And the priest. He's tougher than any human you've ever seen. I'll bet he needs a good fuck to drain some of that bitchiness out of him. We could do that for him and he might even thank us. Even the monkey could stand to have a good screw. He's stronger than we are but so very innocent. He'd probably think it was a game. He'd be fun to play with. I know he'd give us a good, hard fucking. **

 

The demon was taking a different tact with me now. Promises of power hadn't swayed me to release him so lust was the next obvious card to play. Because the demon lived inside me, he knew just what reaction his words would have. What I knew and desired, so did he. And, however more damned that made me; I did want them on a physical level.

 

My hands shook on the steering wheel of the jeep as I drove. This was the absolute worst time for the voices to start talking to me again. I didn't need more temptation than I currently dealt with on a regular basis. My friends were the closest thing I had to family. I certainly viewed them as family. Of course, this didn't stop me from wanting them. They were dangerously appealing to me on many different levels. They represented safety and security and acceptance to me. Things I craved but never thought I would have or even be worthy of receiving. The demon inside knew how much I'd like to move that step closer to them and I am being slowly swayed by the arguments the voices give me.

 

That worries me tremendously.

 

**I am the poison in your breath when you deny what you feel. Your companions know you're holding something back. You're not protecting them by trying to keep this supposed taint from them. You're only protecting yourself from perceived rejection, ** Gonou said. I could almost visualize my former self pushing his glasses back up his nose and gearing up for a lecture on my various psychosis, which I really didn't want or need to hear at the moment. I was almost glad when the demon interrupted.

 

**Your breath would be so sweet against pale skin. Or ruffling hair the colour of blood. Or even washing over a body forever young. Let me breathe in their scents and taste their arousal as you want to. Lust is an honest emotion. Don't you want to be honest with your friends? **

 

 

I am....

 

 

Naked images of Sanzo, Gojyo and, yes, even Goku flashed through my head courtesy of the demon. At least, that's what I told myself. There was no way those images were my conscious doing. The demon gave a husky laugh and I tightened my grip on the steering wheel as I tried to blank my mind of everything. Sanzo, Gojyo and Goku are my friends and I owe them the civility to rein in my impulses and lusty demon nature. They didn't need me plotting ways to jump them and cover their bodies with mine until release rushed through us. I frantically back-peddled from the mental images that thought conjured and tried to calm my racing heart. I am Cho Hakkai and I won't endanger my friends by listening to dark voices from the twisted corners of my mind.

 

No matter how arousing I found the ideas.

 

 

The logic…

The lust.

The poison in your breath.

 

 

**It's only logical to want to share even more closeness with them, Hakkai. You've been through so much with them. Much more than any lover or family you've ever had. The logic behind taking any one of them, or even all of them, to bed is impeccable, ** said the calm voice in my head and, god help me, but he made perfect sense.

 

I refused to answer the voice when I wasn't even sure what I'd say. Or maybe I was sure and I didn't want to face what might happen if I listened to that oh-so-reasonable voice. I felt Gojyo's hand on my shoulder and a sound I'd never, ever, made while wearing the limiters escaped me.

 

I growled at Gojyo.

 

**Let me out. I won't hurt them… much. They'll like it. It's not just your lust. The lust is from all of you. It's from us trapped here in your head. There's so much of it surrounding all of you, I can even smell it from the dark corner of your mind where you've chained me. I know you can smell it too because we are one. If they didn't want it, you wouldn't almost taste the lust between all of you, ** the demon inside me sounded absolutely logical and that shook me as nothing else could.

 

**To let desire bubble just under the surface like this and not even confront it…. You, we know better than this, Hakkai. To pretend everything is fine will do what you fear most. Every word you speak will be with a poisoned breath and your friends will start to view you with mistrust, ** Gonou said in a lecturing voice.

 

Had I really sounded that… pompous when I was Gonou? It was a wonder I didn't get punched out on a regular basis back then. I started a little when Goku spoke, breaking my attention away from my conversation with my delusions. I'd never been happier to hear Goku's chatter. Maybe that would distract me from the lustful thoughts and erotic pictures of my travelling companions currently zipping through my brain.

 

“Hakkai, you're acting all weird and shit. Maybe we should stop and let you rest or something. We can stop out here can't we, Sanzo?” Goku asked in a worried tone. I could feel his concerned gaze on the back of my head.

 

 

I am....

 

 

I pressed my lips together tightly at the thought of stopping right now. Another growl of lust wanted to slip past. Stopping now would be a very bad idea. Very bad. I was close enough to the edge as it was. The thoughts and mental images flipping through my head were more than just flashes now. I was seeing down right pornographic movies in living colour with stereo sound of me and my friends involved in what I could only call a group fuck. It was perverted and decadent and I wanted to let it happen with an intensity that was scary, even for me. Hakuryuu made a sound of distress as I squeezed the steering wheel hard enough to hurt him.

 

This situation and accompanying mental torture was becoming impossible.

 

I clenched my jaw until the muscles hurt. I would not allow my baser needs to take over. I would not put my friends through what the voices in my head were insisting they'd enjoy. But, gods, I wanted to do what the movies in my head showed me. I was better than this. Stronger than this. I swallowed hard and crammed those desires down as far as I could.

 

I knew I was starting to lose my already shaky grip on sanity under the pressure of this desire for my friends and the not so subtle goading of the voices in my head. I was starting to question who I am and why bedding my friends would be wrong. I ruthlessly shoved the voices into a dark corner of my mind and walled them away. That measure wouldn't last long but it'd buy me time to shore up my defences.

 

 

I am the shepherd…

And the wolf.

I am....

I am the fire in your chest.

 

 

**Hakkai, you know I'm the shepherd who watches over you and helps you to temper the others who shares space within your mind. I only want what's best for you. Best for us. You're absolutely safe in trusting me,” that perfectly reasonable voice started up making me twitch.

 

After managing to tightly seal away the desire I felt for my friends and the voices, they'd gone quiet for even longer than before. I thought I'd finally locked them up tight along with the desire they'd spoken to me about but, apparently, I'd thought wrong. And, if the reasonable voice was starting to speak to me again, that meant the demon and Gonou weren't far behind. As if he'd been lying in wait, the demon pounced.

 

**And I'm the wolf. You know we have no care for any but our pack. Fortunate for you we see your travelling companions as pack, isn't it? ** the demon said thoughtfully in my head making me pale at the thought of what would happen to my friends if I didn't view them as I did.

 

“Hakkai, what's up with you? You've been twitchy for weeks now. It's more than the demons chasing us. You can talk to me. You know you can. I'm getting worried about you,” Gojyo said suddenly from behind me.

 

I whirled and a half formed chi ball appeared in my hand. Gojyo held up his hands in a harmless gesture and backed slowly away. I let the chi die, closed my eyes and hung my head. The sudden reappearance of the voices in my head was making me tense and I jumped at the littlest things. I am slowly becoming more and more unglued by the things the voices tell me. They sound so reasonable when I know they can't be.

 

**I am the fire in your chest, ** Gonou said. **I am the one that fuels you and pushes you forward when you'd rather suffer with inertia. I am the one who acts when you're being too cautious. When are you going to realize you need all of us to function, Hakkai? **

 

 

I am....

 

 

I am trying so very hard to hang on to my receding sanity. For my own sake as much as for that of my friends. But the things the voices tell me sound so… right. They can't be right but I want to believe them. I think I might need to believe them.

 

 

The shepherd…

The wolf.

The fire in your chest

 

 

**Embrace me, Hakkai. I am meant to be your shepherd as well as that of your friends. It's why I'm here. Let me guide you. Let me teach you what you need to know. Let me keep you safe and all those you hold dear. I am the shepherd you need and, most importantly, want. **

 

I sat with my back to a tree and held my head in my hands. I wanted to keep my friends safe. I didn't want to fail them as I'd failed others. I didn't think I could do it alone any more. Maybe I did need what the voices were offering me.

 

**If you take what the shepherd offers, you have to take the wolf too. You can't have one and not the other. It doesn't work that way, Hakkai. The wolf looks after its own and Gojyo, Sanzo and Goku are your family, your pack, now. **

 

**And maybe most importantly, you need me to be that fire in your chest. You're alive, Hakkai but you're not living. Bring us all together like you know you should. **

 

Conflict rose in me over what the voices promised and the knowledge that if I did take them up on their offers nothing would be the same. I couldn't let this mental battle go on too much longer. I was going to have to either silence the voices forever or open myself to them and become I didn't know what.

 

 

I am....

 

 

I'm no longer sure who I am or if I'm strong enough to continue to fight the voices that I now realize are a part of me. I am Cho Hakkai but I'm also the nameless demon who rages and torments me with the promise of things I want but shouldn't have. Even though I didn't want to be, I am still Cho Gonou too. I may even be the voice of reason whose name I don't yet know. A slightly maniacal laugh left me. I was too many people to exist in one mind and stay rational. Something had to give. I just prayed it wasn't my sanity.

 

I looked up to find my friends watching me cautiously. They knew something was very, very wrong with me but not what. I didn't think I'd have the courage to tell them I'm being harassed by voices in my head that urge me to fuck them or to accept the voices as part of me and turn into someone else entirely. Maybe even someone more dangerous than just my youkai self.

 

 

I am the water

And the stone

I am....

I am the hammer in your hands

 

 

**Calm down, Hakkai. You won't become more dangerous. You'll be more stable if you accept all of the parts of yourself. You're tearing yourself apart like this. You're hurting not only yourself and your friends but us as well. I am the cool, soothing water on your soul, Hakkai. I only want to heal the fractured person you are. **

 

My eyes prickled with unexpected tears. I wanted to be made whole again. I wanted things to be back they way they were before the demons came and stole Kana away from me. I wanted to be normal, or as close to normal as I'd ever gotten.

 

**I am the stone, Hakkai. I accept all the people you have been and are now. I'm the most stable of us all because I deny nothing about myself. I am rock steady in what I can be for you. I will share my strength. I will be that constant protector you want and need not only for yourself but your friends. Deny me and you will shatter. **

 

I didn't know what to do or think any more. The voices sounded so very reasonable and told me things that I wanted to hear. That I needed to hear. Were the things they told me the truth or was I just slipping deeper into madness? Maybe the limiters weren't keeping me from feeling the effects of the Minus Wave, just making the madness more subtle. I sincerely hoped not. I'd told Sanzo when we first started on this journey that if I ever lost myself to my demon half, he was to kill me without hesitation. I am Cho Hakkai but was I turning into my youkai self without realizing it?

 

**You are who you are, Hakkai. You're a complicated creature. There are so many people trying to break free from their prisons in your head. So many people bound when they don't have to be. You know this, Hakkai. I know you do. Accept me, the older voice in your head, the demon you've become and the man you are now, for starters. Help us smash the chains that keep us all captive. We're stronger together than alone. Somewhere inside you, you know this. I know you do. I am the hammer in your hands that will give you freedom, if you let me. **

 

“Hakkai, you need to talk to me and tell me what the fuck is going on. You're weirding out monkey-boy and Sanzo is muttering about having to shoot you. I know you best and you're even starting to freak me out just a little,” Gojyo said as he crouched down next to me. It was a measure of his friendship and trust that he chose to be so close to me when the smartest thing to do would've been to stay out of arms reach.

 

“I… I don't know who I am anymore or who I might be becoming, Gojyo. I think I'm feeling the effects of the Minus Wave even with the limiters on. Either that or I'm going crazy… crazier… than I already am. I hear voices in my head that tell me things; urge me to do things. I don't know if they're real or not and I'm not sure what scares me more about them; the idea that I have other personalities in my head or that I'm being swallowed by the Minus Wave and only now realize it,” I said with weariness in my voice. I wouldn't usually say anything about any difficulties I was having, but, if I really was being taken over by either my personal madness or the Minus Wave, my friends deserved to know the truth before I lost all reason and they had to deal with the fall out.

 

Gojyo stared at me for nearly a full minute before he shocked me by pulling me into a tight hug. “Whatever you need, Hakkai, we'll help you any way we can. That's what friends do. Whatever happens, we got your back, Hakkai.”

 

I saw Goku nod his head rapidly and Sanzo give me a look that spoke volumes in agreement. With those simple words from Gojyo and the unspoken support from Goku and Sanzo, I felt like a great weight had been lifted from my chest. I might still be headed towards a complete mental breakdown or become another victim of the Minus Wave but my friends would stand by me. Gods, but I really and truly loved them.

 

 

The water…

The stone.

The hammer in your hands.

 

 

**Of course they'll stand by you. They'll always stand by you no matter what. We've known them for eternity. Different names and different faces but inside, they've always been the same. **

 

**Who are you? ** I finally asked. I think I was ready to know. I felt a subtle tension in my head that I hadn't even realized I had flow away like water through my fingers. It felt like that mystery voice in my head smiled at my asking who he was.

 

**Tenpou Gensui, Field Marshal for the Western Armies of Heaven. I was a god once upon a time. I'm the one who pissed off the gods in our former life and for that, I'm sorry. I didn't fully think through all the consequences of my actions on a personal level. Bit of a failing of mine, ** the man said with a rueful voice.

 

The breath whooshed out of me. That was most certainly the last thing I'd expected to hear. I had a god living in my head? Maybe I really was going stark raving mad. If having a god living in my head didn't sound delusional, I didn't know what would. The urge to laugh manically bubbled up in my throat.

 

**He is who he says, ** said my demon self. I felt my world tilt sharply before righting itself at that. **I've been here, patient as a stone, waiting for your acceptance of what we've become since the night I was born in Hyakugan Mao's castle. I've had time to listen to him and decide if he's telling the truth or not. I am youkai but I'm also you, Hakkai. I believe he speaks the truth. I can be rational when I want. I've just never wanted to be rational on those infrequent times you unchain me. **

 

I think if Gojyo hadn't been still hugging me, I would have tipped over sideways and curled into a gibbering ball on the ground. Nothing was what I thought it was. Not me, not my former self, Gonou, not the youkai I kept chained away and most especially not the other voice in my head that was, if I was to believe him, a god. I didn't think I wanted to know this.

 

**But you do want to know, Hakkai. Otherwise, you would have kept on ignoring me. But you asked who I am. That's the first step in healing all the pieces of yourself. Take the hammer in hand and strike the first blow to set yourself free from the chains of our past. You won't be sorry and I promise you, your friends will stand beside you because they trusted us so much, they followed us from heaven after we incited a rebellion. **

 

Rebellion in heaven? Came with us? Then that meant… Oh my.

 

I wanted to know more. I wanted to know why Tenpou/me/us felt the need to start a revolt in heaven of all places. I wanted to know who Gojyo, Sanzo and Goku had been. I even wanted to see if my youkai self could actually be a rational creature once unleashed as he'd said he could be.

 

 

I am....

 

 

I debated for all of three heart beats about what course of action to take. I wanted to be free from my past and whole. Or as whole as I could get. Knowing who and what I had been and was heading towards becoming was important. I'd studied psychology and I knew that a person could never get well mentally unless they understood who they'd been in the past, who they wanted to be in the future and why. I mentally lifted a hammer and struck a ringing blow to a tangle of chains that disintegrated under the force I used. A strange mix of calm and excitement washed over me.

 

I am Cho Hakkai but I'm also still Cho Gonou. I'm a youkai born from a night of blood, revenge and murder. And as fantastical as it sounds, I'm also Tenpou Gensui, a former god in heaven. Just admitting all that made me feel freer than I could ever remember being. Maybe this journey we've been on has been about more than just stopping a demon resurrection. Maybe it's also a journey to discover who we really are.

 

The delighted laughter of a woman sounded in my head. **I knew one of you boys would eventually figure this out. I don't think I'll be bored for long now.**