Gensomaden Saiyuki Fan Fiction ❯ Invisible & Silent Songfic ❯ Invisible & Silent Songfic ( Chapter 1 )

Author's Note: I make no claims on anything. All rights apply to the original creator of Saiyuki. The song used is “Invisible & Silent” by the band Covenant and rights for that apply to them.

 

 

Invisible & Silent Songfic

 

 

I could finally move around the house without help. My stomach wound still felt tender and pulled uncomfortably if I moved wrong, but I was able to get around with relative ease. I still wasn't sure why I was alive or even if I wanted to be. I didn't deserve to be. I knew that for a certainty. It was my fault Kanan died. I hadn't been able to keep my promise to her to keep her safe. I'd taken too long to find her once she'd been taken. Her death rested squarely on my shoulders. Her blood stained my hands as much as the blood of the youkai I'd killed that night. Why Gojyo thought I was worth saving… I didn't understand. When I'd asked him why he'd saved me, he'd shrugged, smiled softly and said I looked like I needed saving.

 

I was beyond saving.

 

I wasn't human any more. I'd failed Kanan and, I realized now, myself. I'd become a demon through my actions of that blood soaked night. I hadn't intended for that to happen. What was that saying about the best intentions paving the road to hell? Had Kanan known that I was nearly a demon by the time I'd found her? Did she sense I teetered on the edge of becoming one of the creatures that stole her away and brutalized her? Had she wanted to protect herself from the touch of yet another demon? Was that the real reason she'd…?

 

My mind skittered away from those painful thoughts.

 

 

I'm tricked by your smile

Want to be forgiven

Waiting for the battle

Aching for belief

 

 

I made myself as quiet and unobtrusive as I could. I was an intruder in Gojyo's home regardless of the fact that he'd been the one to bring me there. I had no money to offer him and even though I could move around fairly well, I still wasn't well enough to do real work. So, I did the only thing I could think of to show my gratitude. I set to cleaning the place from top to bottom and made all the meals for us. If Gojyo allowed me to live in his house, the very least I could do was try and make it a home for him.

 

Gojyo noticed the cleaning and appreciated the meals I made even though they were simple fare. He'd smiled at me and thanked me and told me I didn't have to do all that. I found myself smiling back at him in pleasure from his genuine warmth before I could stop myself. For whatever reason, having Gojyo smile at me made me feel good.

 

I was tricked by that smile of his. I didn't deserve to be happy. I didn't deserve anything.

 

I used the quiet time and the mindless job of cleaning years worth of grime to think about what my life was going to be like now that I apparently had one to live. Since Gojyo took the time to save my life, I thought it would be the height of bad manners to throw that life away now. I was one of the monsters now, but that didn't mean rudeness was suddenly acceptable. I had enough black marks on my soul without adding more. I wanted to be forgiven for what I'd done and what I'd become but the one person who could absolve me of my guilt and sins was dead.

 

And that was my fault, too.

 

As the weeks passed, Gojyo would sometimes approach me as if he wanted to say something. He'd always stop just shy of saying what was on his mind. He'd stare at me, sigh softly and turn away. Part of me waited with a strange kind of anticipation for the battle I could feel brewing. I wanted him to get angry with me and yell and scream and hit me until I didn't feel anything anymore.

 

It's what I deserved.

 

Another part of me nearly ached for belief that things would continue as they were between us with the surprisingly quiet, easy companionship. I was comfortable with Gojyo. I enjoyed being around him even though, rationally; I knew our friendship couldn't continue. Not once he knew the truth. Even if he didn't ask, eventually, I'd have to tell him how I ended up in the middle of the road with my guts hanging out of my belly. It was only fair that he knew the truth.

 

That he understood he'd saved a monster that rainy night.

 

 

But your answer is wrong

And my spirit is broken

Like choirs in the winter

Singing out of key

 

 

“Gojyo, I have something to tell you,” I said in a low voice during supper, finally mustering up the courage to say what needed to be said.

 

He looked up at me from his bowl of stew and waited. I felt a nervous laugh try and escape my throat at his patient stare. I was reluctant to tell him that he'd been living and sleeping beside a monster. Everything would change between us. The thought that I'd have Gojyo's scorn was surprisingly painful.

 

“I'm not human. At least, not any more, I'm not,” I said in a whisper quiet voice.

 

“Yeah, I already knew that. The not human part I mean. The youkai limiters were kinda a dead give-away,” Gojyo said with a quick smile before he continued eating.

 

I blinked in surprise.

 

That was the wrong answer. He was supposed to recoil in horror. He was supposed to curse me to hell and throw me from his house. He was supposed to show disgust that he'd not only saved a monster but lived and slept beside one for weeks.

 

“But… but I'm a youkai,” I stammered at a loss to his lack of reaction.

 

“So? I'm not exactly human either, in case you didn't notice. Some of my best friends are youkai,” Gojyo said as he put down his spoon and frowned at me.

 

“But… but I'm a monster,” I started.

 

I felt like my spirit had been broken that night I became a youkai. Yet, tendrils of warmth wound through me, healing my scrap of a damaged soul at the simple acceptance from Gojyo. This wasn't right. He was supposed to hate me not make me feel better.

 

“No, you're not. You are who you are. Don't beat yourself up over shit like that or the hate will eat you alive. Then, you'd really be a monster.”

 

Gojyo finished his stew and put the bowl in the sink. He rested his hand on my shoulder and squeezed lightly. He said something about going out to town to make a little money for groceries and left the house. I heard him as if in a fog. I sat at the table, my stew growing cold, stunned beyond belief at Gojyo's words.

 

He'd known all along I was youkai and he hadn't cared. His words buzzed around my brain like a choir of birds in the winter singing slightly out of key; beautiful and crisp yet oddly discordant. I'd known on some level he wasn't completely human but it would've been incredibly rude to say something about it, all things considered.

 

I didn't know what to do now.

 

I'd been prepared to leave. Expecting to leave, actually. This… acceptance of Gojyo's threw me off balance. I rose from the table and scrapped out my bowl, washing the dishes on automatic as I tried to make sense of things. I went to bed and stared up at the ceiling for hours, unable to sleep as Gojyo's words chased around my brain.

 

I feigned sleep, my back to the room, when Gojyo came home. I could smell cigarettes and alcohol on him as well as perfume when he climbed into bed beside me. Oddly, I scented no musk of sex on him as I had countless times when he'd come back from a night of cards and drinking. Irrationally, that pleased me. If I hadn't been pretending to sleep, I'd have made a satisfied sound from the knowledge that Gojyo hadn't found pleasure in another's arms. I felt Gojyo's body heat along my back and tension I hadn't even realized I was feeling, eased. I dropped off to sleep to the soft sound of Gojyo's even breathing and his hand pressed against the small of my back.

 

 

I am silent

Invisible to you

While I count the days gone by

 

 

I'd expected things to change between Gojyo and I when I told him I wasn't human. I simply hadn't expected them to change as they did.

 

I was still silent for the most part but I'd never really been the chatty type before. I tried to make myself as invisible as possible to Gojyo so he could continue on with his life as he'd led it before finding me that rainy night. Unfortunately, I seemed of two minds regarding Gojyo. While I counted the days as they went by, I found myself wanting his notice.

 

And I didn't quite understand that.

 

 

I am silent

Invisible to you

While I shape the things to come

 

 

On the one hand, I thought if I was silent and invisible, Gojyo would be free to do what he wished without having to worry about me. I would be a non-entity worth no more notice than a piece of furniture.

 

But….

 

A part of me wanted Gojyo to notice me. To smile at me. To feel his hand squeeze my shoulder in comfort. I wanted to press into the sensation of his warmth at my back while we shared the lone bed in the house. I wanted to touch his hair, his skin, his lips. I wanted his easy acceptance of my demon nature to extend past that to a more personal level. I wanted him to accept me as a person.

 

That frightened me just a little.

 

Kanan had been dead only a short period of time yet here I was feeling and wanting things I had no business desiring. I'd caused the death of the one person who'd meant more to me than my own life. I didn't deserve even the barest shred of happiness and most certainly not so soon after causing Kanan's death.

 

But I wanted it.

 

I found myself trying to shape the direction of things to come by taking up more than my fair share of the narrow bed, forcing Gojyo into close contact with me. I'd position myself so that he had to brush past me when he moved around the confines of the house. I'd make sure our fingers touched when I handed him his dinner. I was subtly pushing myself on Gojyo and couldn't seem to stop. I knew it was wrong of me but it made me feel worth something to have him look at me with friendship and maybe even a glimmer of affection.

 

 

I try so hard

To fight for an illusion

Holding my breath

Biting my tongue

I try to cope

So give me a reason

I'm waiting for help

 

 

I was trying so very hard to fight for the illusion of being just housemates and friends with Gojyo. I knew I was in a losing battle against myself. I could feel my self-control slipping more and more each day. Eventually, I was going to commit an unforgivable breach of etiquette; like rolling into Gojyo's arms as we lay in bed and pressing my body tight to his. I'm sure he had no idea how many times I'd held my breath and bitten my tongue to keep from saying something completely inappropriate.

 

Something like, “You have beautiful eyes,” or “I want to kiss you.”

 

I was trying to cope with these strange desires. It was possible I felt like this because Gojyo'd been the one to save my life. But, I didn't even deserve to be alive so why would I feel gratitude, or anything else, towards the person who'd rescued me? I needed a reason for feeling this way and the best I could come up with was that I felt a strange connection to Gojyo. That made absolutely no sense since I'd never set eyes on Gojyo before waking up in pain and oddly disappointed at being alive.

 

I needed help of all kinds, most of it mental. What I felt and the timing of it was all wrong but it seemed so very right. Just as I was positive that Gojyo and I shared some kind of connection, I was sure that if I asked him for help, he'd give it to me no questions asked. Why I was certain of that, I had no idea. Gojyo'd already done more than enough for me. I shouldn't have been imposing on him more than I already was. Although, I did notice he wasn't protesting the increased physical closeness I was instigating between us. Naturally, his acceptance only made me increase the contact we shared.

 

 

I'm trapped by my guilt

Want to be forgotten

Tired of the noise

Aching for relief

 

 

I was trapped by my guilt of so many different things. Guilt over Kanan being dead. Guilt over my being alive. Guilt for having these feelings toward Gojyo. I went through the motions of my days slowly being eaten alive by it. Physical pain had nothing on the emotional and mental pain a person could feel. Perhaps it was fitting that I was so tormented. Maybe this was my punishment for my sins.

 

I wanted to be forgotten. It would be better for everybody that way. I was tired of the noise in my head. The constant buzzing of `should haves' and `could haves' that feed the guilt that was weighing me down more and more each day. I was aching for relief and had no idea how to get it so I did what had never failed me before.

 

I retreated into silence and that unique ability I had to make myself invisible.

 

I knew Gojyo would eventually notice my increasing silence and efforts to be invisible. My retreat into myself wouldn't go unnoticed by him but I didn't know what else to do. Just because he affected a careless playboy didn't mean he didn't see things surprisingly clear. Everything was mixed up in my head. My emotions see-sawed between happiness that I was able to steal little casual touches from Gojyo to self-loathing that I was trying to be happy when I didn't deserve anything good. I was unprepared for what my actions wrought.

 

“What the fuck is up with you?” Gojyo asked in a low voice as he slammed his spoon down on the table top making the dishes rattle.

 

“I have no idea what you mean, Gojyo,” I hedged with a nervous laugh and polite smile.

 

“Like hell you don't. I thought you were making progress and trying to live. I don't know how you happened to end up in the middle of that road with your guts hanging out of your belly and it's really not any of my business to ask. But, you seemed to have decided to live, at least for a while. Now, you're going back into just existing. What changed?”

 

There was genuine confusion and concern in Gojyo's voice and face. I looked down at my soup quickly, not seeing what I was staring at. Anything was better than seeing the expression on Gojyo's face. My gaze was jerked back to Gojyo in shock when he covered my hand with his.

 

“If you don't want to talk about what happened, then you don't have too. But when you do decide that you need to share, I'll listen. You don't fool me. Your physical injury is healed but you're still bleeding emotionally on the inside. You may not believe me, but I do know what that feels like,” Gojyo said giving my hand a gentle squeeze before retreating.

 

 

But your anger is gone

And my silence is golden

Like fires on the water

Drifting out of reach

 

 

He carried his bowl to the sink and went out onto the porch. With youkai sharp senses, I heard the click of a lighter and soon smelled the acrid smoke of a cigarette. I'd been surprised by Gojyo's touch. The initial anger was gone from his voice and the fact that he'd stayed home when it would have been so much easier for him to lose himself in women and drinks at a bar warmed me in a way I wouldn't have believed possible.

 

I washed the dishes and thought about what Gojyo had said. He'd already proved to me with both words and actions that he didn't care I was now a youkai. Did I honestly think learning how I came to be a demon would change his views of me? Judging by what I knew of Gojyo and his loyalty, he'd probably find what I did to try and save Kanan as the right course of action.

 

Gojyo left me alone with my thoughts and didn't press me for anything when he came back into the house. He treated my continued silence as golden, not speaking either. What should have been awkward was surprisingly comfortable. Gojyo pulled out a pocket knife and retrieved a piece of wood he'd been working on for a while. I snuck glances at him, my eyes hidden under the cover of my bangs, as he carved and shaved curls of wood from the block in his hands. I stitched a rip in one of his jackets as I waited for Gojyo to say something, to ask me questions, to demand answers to things that had to been making him curious. It took me an embarrassingly long time to realize he really was going to let me decide what I wished to tell him and when. A weight I hadn't been aware of suddenly lifted from my chest.

 

Gojyo continued to whittle for another few hours. I'd long finished with the repairs to various pieces of clothes and switched to reading a book. At least I hoped it looked like I was reading a book. I was randomly turning the pages as I tried to decide if I was going to trust Gojyo with my story and the things that I now felt. I was startled from my thoughts when he rose from his seat and stopped by my chair.

 

“I meant what I said. If you want, I'll be there for you. You don't need to walk alone,” Gojyo said quietly.

 

He seemed to hesitate in indecision before cupping my chin and placing a light kiss on my forehead. Utter shock held me in my seat long after the sounds of Gojyo getting ready for bed stopped. Had I been so wrapped up in my own torment that I hadn't noticed things Gojyo had been saying in silence? Did he feel a connection of sorts to me as well? Is that why he hadn't rebuffed my touches? Would he really stick by me if he knew the whole sordid truth of what led up to my becoming youkai?

 

I was going to take Gojyo at his word and tell him everything. If I lost him as a friend, then it was only happening sooner than I thought. I walked into the bedroom, nervous about the decision I'd just made. I had nothing left to lose, really. But I might have the chance to gain what I never thought I could have again. I got into bed beside Gojyo and needed several quiet breaths to calm my nerves. I touched the warm skin of his bare back lightly. I was fairly certain he wasn't asleep and was only waiting for me to come to bed.

 

“Gojyo, I have something I'd like to share with you,” I said with a surprisingly steady voice.

 

Gojyo rolled over to face me. I could see encouragement burning bright in his eyes like shifting fire on water. He pulled me into his arms, hugging me tight. I felt his lips press to my forehead again as his hands rubbed in soothing sweeps over my back. Prickles of tears at his immediate support I didn't know I wanted or needed made me blink rapidly and draw in a shaky breath.

 

“Share only what you want to. I'm not going to judge you, only try and help you heal on the inside, if I can,” Gojyo whispered into my hair.

 

Worries of how Gojyo would take what I was about to tell him drifted out of reach and I was relieved to let them go. I felt good around him and like I'd known him for much longer than the short time I had. Instinct said Gojyo would stand by me no matter what I told him and I couldn't shake the feeling that things would work themselves out. Gojyo would understand what I'd done and why. I had to clear my throat twice before I could speak.

 

“I lived in a village with a beautiful woman named Kanan who meant the world to me. I came home one day from my duties as a teacher and….”