Gensomaden Saiyuki Fan Fiction ❯ Saiyuki Serial: Beautifully Broken Evolution ❯ 32 Heavy Weighs The Crown ( Chapter 31 )

Authors Note: I don't own Saiyuki and make no claims or money off it. If I did own it, there'd be a whole hell of a lot of kinky shit going down.

 

32 Heavy Weighs The Crown

 

~Sanzo~

 

Ten more minutes.

 

I had ten more minutes to listen to the head priest drone on and on about how wonderful it was to have a Sanzo priest visit their humble temple and grace it with my exalted presence before I was gonna lose it and tell him to shut the hell up. I would've loved to stand up and march from the room, flipping the smarmy guy off along the way. But, as much as having to listen to that sucking up priest annoyed the living fuck out of me, I did have to follow some rules of being a Sanzo priest. Being marginally polite to the priests of the temples we hit along the way was one of them. On the upside, we usually got decent food and clean, dry beds to sleep in and that was better than camping in a tent any day of the week in my books.

 

I wasn't the only one bored to tears by the endless rambling speech. Goku fidgeted on his cushion and picked at a loose thread on the hem of his pants. I could almost see the need to be up and moving in him. Hakkai on the other hand, sat serenely, not a muscle moving, his hand resting on the dragon curled up asleep in his lap. Even though he looked tranquil, I could see the beginnings of impatience by the tightening around his mouth. I was positive he was mentally going over what supplies we needed to re-stock to make it to the next town and was anxious to get those things added to our stores. Gojyo sat remarkably still; the only movement he made was his lighter turned end over end in one hand. He was watching me from behind that glorious curtain of hair I'd brushed to gleaming perfection that morning before either Hakkai or Goku had been up.

 

A smile twitched my lips when I thought of the way Gojyo melted against me as I brushed his hair. I could admit to myself at having a hair thing and it pleased me beyond words that Gojyo was growing his hair longer for me. It took me a while to make the connection, but Gojyo did little things like that to show people how much he cared about them and I knew he cared about me. Maybe a little more than I was entirely comfortable with, but it felt nice at the same time to have somebody want to do stuff for me just because it would make me happy.

 

Not that I'd ever say that to him or anybody else for that matter.

 

The one good thing about this damn trip was all the time I had to think. Conversation usually dried up after the first hour or two on the road. The silence and motion of Jeep was perfect for light meditation. And did I have a hell of a lot of things to be thinking about. Nothing as easy as what we were going to do once we got to India or how we were supposed to stop an entire army of youkai or just how the hell we were supposed to stop whatever was going on with the minus wave, period. Nope, my thoughts had been whirling around the idea of my feelings about Gojyo and our relationship.

 

I'd rather face a youkai army alone with only one bullet than try to figure out what I felt for Gojyo. A screaming-for-blood army was a fuck-load less scary in my books.

 

I'd managed to wrap my head around the idea that Gojyo loved me. I was taking what he'd said in his sleep, the stuff in his demon song the last few times I'd heard it and the little things that I'd noticed him doing for me as proof of that. I wasn't an idiot and if that all didn't add up to him being in love with me, then I didn't have a freaking clue what would. Not that I was an expert on those kinds of things, but I could eventually put the puzzle pieces together and see the big picture. At least where others were concerned I could.

 

It'd taken me a lot longer to admit to myself how I felt about Gojyo and I was still being really cautious even then. I couldn't say with one hundred percent surety that I was in love with him. I was more like ninety-seven percent sure that I loved him. I wasn't ready yet to say anything to Gojyo. I had no idea when I could tell him something like that. Putting yourself out there emotionally like that was terrifying.

 

The way some people talked about it, love sounded easy. It wasn't. At least it wasn't for me. Sure I could love the bothersome monkey, the softly insane Hakkai and the biggest perv on the planet Gojyo as friends, but loving Gojyo as a lover and like I thought he should be… that was fucking hard. And scary. And I had no idea if I could do it right and I really didn't want to screw up something this important.

 

I hated failure, most especially with myself.

 

Confronting my feelings was brutal and not something I really wanted to do, but had to. I could only ignore how I felt for so long before my emotions started jumping me at weird times and making me twitchy and cranky. It was also the very least Gojyo deserved from me. He'd been dead honest with me and really, that was all he asked of me in return. The thing was, everybody I'd ever dared to get close to died. Or tried to kill me. And then died either by my hand or because of me. That wasn't exactly a ringing endorsement for trying to love somebody or having them love me.

 

My relationship with Gojyo was different though from either my love for Koumyou or my friend Shuuei and the potential to be hurt when this thing with Gojyo ended was enormous. I wanted to push him away to keep from getting my heart shredded when things eventually went south. I also wanted to hold him tight to me and never let go of what felt like the most freeing thing in the world. I'd no idea when my ideal of hold nothing vanished when it came to Gojyo. I couldn't say I was sorry that it was gone either. I was a selfish prick and was greedily taking everything Gojyo gave me in the way of affection. I'd shoot anybody who suggested it, but it was really possible that I needed what Gojyo was giving me. I felt like some of my burdens eased because I knew Gojyo had my back in every way. He'd be there for me, no questions asked, because he loved me.

 

Gojyo was making me feel alive on the inside and… centered. I hadn't felt this way since before Koumyou was killed. It scared the crap outta me but I liked it, too. Gojyo was… Gojyo, and I knew how lucky I was that he wanted to take a chance on me. He'd been through shit of his own and had his emotions stomped on, too. I'd never tell him, but I thought he was one stupidly brave fucker to put his heart on the line period, never mind with someone as emotionally screwed up as me.

 

I gave myself a mental shake when nerves made my stomach clench at the thought of having the responsibility of something so precious as somebody's heart and terrified that I'd fuck it up somehow.

 

I wasn't looking for the kind of pain that came from having someone you cared about taken away, but I also realized that I was acting no better than Hakkai when it came to moving on and letting people close and actually living your life instead of just existing. I didn't want to be dead inside like I thought Hakkai was while he'd mourned Kana. He'd been better over the last few weeks but he'd been hollow inside for a long time and I'd seriously been wondering if that was going to make him a liability. Being dead like that would rot you from the inside out and eventually kill you just as sure as a bullet between the eyes. Actually, a bullet in the brain was a more humane death in my opinion.

 

Having had enough of the minefield of my emotions, my thoughts drifted into the gutter as I watched Gojyo's fingers manipulate the lighter. He was a lecher and a perv but he was my lecher and perv and he could do some absolutely mind-blowing things with the simple touch of his hands. I had to bite the inside of my cheek to keep from groaning at the memory of his fingers pinching my nipples into hard little nubs or gliding sensuously up and down my cock before sliding inside my ass to tease and arouse me even more.

 

I wasn't a morning person, but gentle, early morning fucks were probably the best way in the world to wake up. I'd never known that before Gojyo started sharing my bed, but I was damn glad to have that information now. He'd had me panting and at the edge of orgasm before my brain was even awake giving our encounter a dreamy quality that was still with me hours later. I'd come in a dizzying rush and drifted in a soft haze of pleasure for long minutes as Gojyo whispered incredibly dirty things into my ear as he came over my cock and balls.

 

I shifted and grimaced slightly at the now uncomfortably tight feel to my jeans. Gojyo was going to have to fix that since my remembering how good that'd been was completely his fault for distracting me by playing with his lighter. He was probably doing that on purpose so I would remember and jump his ass the second we were alone. My frown smoothed out when I pictured Gojyo on his knees sucking me off while I tugged and played with his hair. That didn't help my hard on, but it was a damn fine mental image and a thousand times better than paying attention to the more than a little snotty head priest babbling away.

 

“So you'll bless our temple, Sanzo-sama?”

 

I blinked and stared at the priest for several long seconds, my brain not wanting to let go of the hot fantasy of Gojyo on his knees sucking me off while I played with his hair. What the hell had the damn priest been yapping on about? Was he finally done? Shit. I should've been paying at least a tiny bit of attention to what he was saying. God damn Gojyo and his lewd pheromones.

 

“It would be most wonderful to have you perform the blessing, Sanzo-sama. The benediction of one such as yourself will surely remove the taint the temple has collected during these trying times,” the priest said, his eyes sliding towards Gojyo, Hakkai and Goku.

 

I looked to Hakkai, Goku and Gojyo hoping they'd buy me a clue or just plain fucking rescue me. Goku looked mad enough to spit nails. Or rip somebody limb from limb. Hakkai was wearing his I'm-Trying-Very-Hard-Not-To-Kill-Your-Ignorant-Ass look. Even Hakuryuu seemed like he wanted to spew fireballs. It was the expression on Gojyo's face that hit me like a punch out of nowhere though. I scowled as my temper started to smoulder. I didn't like it when Gojyo looked like a kicked puppy. I'd obviously tuned out something important in that long, boring-assed speech the head priest had been giving.

 

What the fuck did I miss while I was wandering around in my head?

 

All the life and fire was drained out of Gojyo. His shoulders were hunched and he was looking down at his lap, his fingers still. Gojyo drew in a shuddery breath and stiffened his spine before standing and walking quickly from the room. When it clicked in my head the time I'd last seen that look, I seriously considered drawing down on the priest and turning his head into a canoe. I rose from my seated position and glared at the priest. I wasn't sure how he'd worded it, but he'd just insulted Gojyo because he was half youkai. Like that mattered to anything.

 

By asking me to bless the temple, he was damn near saying that my bringing Gojyo, a child of taboo, into his precious temple had tainted it. I was sure the only thing stopping him from actually spouting that bullshit was because I was a Sanzo, worlds above him in rank, and he couldn't really say shit about what I did. At least not to my face. I could still make him squirm though without shooting him. It just wasn't as satisfying.

 

“Are you questioning the wisdom of the Sanbutsushin in sending these people with me? Do you know something the gods don't? Do you presume that much?”

 

“I… I… no, of course not, Sanzo-sama. I was only suggesting that a blessing from one as exalted as yourself…” the priest began.

 

“Would what? Cleanse this place of your small-minded views? Nothing but a bullet to the brain would fix that. Hakkai, stock up on everything you can. I don't care if you strip their store rooms bare. Do it. We leave at first light. I can barely stand the hypocrisy of this place.”

 

The head priest sputtered a protest and I whirled on him, gun drawn and pointed between his eyes.

 

“Shut the fuck up before I rethink how happy making an extra hole in your head would make me against the pain in the ass of getting your blood and brains spattered on my robe.”

 

I heard a few gasps of the monks in the room and whispers started up about how unlike a Sanzo I was. I didn't give a shit.

 

“Sanzo, you really don't want to do that,” Hakkai said softly, his hand pressing on my arm.

 

“Why the fuck not?” The more I thought about how this little worm hurt Gojyo with his words, the more I wanted to empty my gun into his brain. It wouldn't change anything that'd been said but I'd feel better.

 

“Because you'd have to stay here until a new head priest could be chosen and oversee that. That would likely keep us here for several weeks. None of us would enjoy the enforced stay.”

 

I scowled. Hakkai was right. If the head priest had an attitude about youkai, it was a damn fine bet that at least some of the monks shared that view. I couldn't shoot up half the temple and get away with that. I had a lot of lee-way with the powers that be, but not that much. I muttered some choice swear words and jammed my gun into my sleeve before spinning around and stomping away to see if I could find Gojyo. I didn't like it that he'd gotten shit on for something that wasn't his fault and I couldn't do fuck all about it. That pissed me off so bad as I thought about it that I almost turned around and shot the priest anyway. I stumbled a little when the meaning of that line of reasoning hit me.

 

Yeah, I loved Gojyo.

 

I'd do stupid-ass shit to avenge him, like blowing off the top of a head priest's head because he'd basically called Gojyo some names. I was so fucked and not in the way I liked to be. I was even more surprised when I didn't feel rage boil up inside me from that revelation. I'd have to figure out how to deal with my epiphany later. Right now I had a kappa to find.

 

I found Gojyo in the courtyard leaning against a tree. He was smoking and trying to look relaxed. He sucked at acting. I could see the tension in his body from fifty paces. I wasn't sure what to do or say, but I had to do something. If things were reversed, Gojyo would do that for me. I fished out my own smokes and held out my hand for his lighter when I stood next to him. He gave it over without even a token protest and I knew for sure that he was upset. What the fuck had that priest said?

 

“The guy is an asshole,” I offered, blowing out a thin stream of smoke.

 

Gojyo shrugged and drew heavily on his cigarette.

 

“I refused to bless the temple. We're getting out of here at first light.”

 

Gojyo grunted but still didn't say anything.

 

“Hakkai wouldn't let me shoot him.”

 

That got me a raised eyebrow and the ghost of a smile. That was good. He'd better start saying something back soon though. One-sided conversations sucked and I wasn't exactly the best at these touchy-feely kinda things.

 

“You ever think he's right?” Gojyo asked so softly that I almost didn't hear him.

 

“Hakkai? He's right almost all the time. That's fucking annoying, too.”

 

That got a snort of laughter out of Gojyo before he turned and faced me, the humour fading from him. He studied his cigarette for a moment, took one last drag and dropped it to the ground, crushing it out under his heel.

 

“You know what I mean. Am I keeping you from your responsibilities or duties and shit? Am I corrupting you away from what a Sanzo priest is supposed to be because of what I am?”

 

“What? Is that what he said? You're not stupid, Gojyo. You know that's pure bullshit.”

 

“Yeah, well…”

 

“You know what my responsibility is right now? For us to get our asses to India, stop whatever the fuck is going on there and, if possible, get my master's sutra back. Making nice with ignorant priests and blessing their temples isn't on the list I was given of shit I have to do on this stupid journey.”

 

Gojyo sighed and toed the ground before pulling out another smoke. He didn't light it, just fiddled with it as if he didn't know what to do with it. I don't think he entirely believed me but he wasn't going to press the issue. If I was being completely truthful, the other responsibility I had was about Gojyo. It wasn't something I'd been told to do and it was something pretty new and that I was still trying to get used to myself. Gojyo'd given me his heart. It was my responsibility to treat it right and protect it and Gojyo whenever I could. At least that's what I thought you were supposed to do when somebody loved you and you loved them back. That's what Koumyou did for me and he was the best example I had to go by on this love thing.

 

There should be a manual or something for this love crap.

 

“I just… I don't want people thinking less of you or questioning your judgement.”

 

I narrowed my eyes at Gojyo. As if. That wasn't it and I knew it.

 

“Come on,” I said, clapping my hand around his wrist and dragging him with me as I started to walk towards the temple. I flicked my nearly done smoke into the grass wishing for more than a second or two that it started a fire that burned down the entire temple with the head priest at the centre.

 

“Wha… Sanzo?”

 

“Move it or I whip out my gun to motivate your ass. You know I'll shoot you…” I let the sentence trail off and heard Gojyo snort, but he picked up the pace.

 

A monk stood outside the door to the room I'd been given. I sneered at him and told him to beat it. I shoved Gojyo into the room and slammed the door in the monk's face, throwing the bolt to lock it. Gojyo was looking at me like I'd flipped my lid. Maybe I had. I'd never acted like this before, but I just didn't like seeing that look on his face. Like he was a beaten dog or something. It pissed me off.

 

“I'm only going to say this one time so you'd better listen. I don't give a flying fuck what some arrogant priest thinks of me. I don't care what most people think of me. The people whose opinions matter to me are few and far between. Most of those people are dead.” I drew in a deep breath as my stomach started to tense up in knots at what I was about to say. Gojyo had better damn well appreciate the ulcers this love shit was giving me.

 

“Your opinion matters. Get it?”

 

Gojyo just stared at me without saying anything long enough that I started to feel nervous and like I'd said too much. I wanted to grab him by his shirt and demand an answer at the same time that I wanted to push past him and stalk out of the room. The only reason I didn't was because something in his eyes held me frozen to the spot.

 

“Thank you, Sanzo,” Gojyo said softly, pulling me into his arms. I let him do it without resisting.

 

The tension I'd seen in Gojyo earlier eased as he held me. Whatever he'd seen in my eyes must've taken away the last of whatever was worrying him. I think he caught what I meant when I said his opinion matters to me. My hands crept up his back, my fingers brushing the ends of his hair, twisting and tugging lightly on them. He sighed and rubbed his lips against my throat, making me shiver from the erotic gesture.

 

My little fantasy from earlier stormed back into my head and heat pooled in my groin. One part of my brain was demanding I push Gojyo to his knees and make that fantasy a reality. The other half was telling me that if I did that, I'd be an even more insensitive prick that I normally was. I mentally sighed and shelved the erotic idea for another time. I pushed Gojyo away from me a bit.

 

“Go get comfortable on the bed. I still owe you some cuddle time since Goku interrupted us before and after tonight, we'll probably be doing a lot of camping out until we hit the next town.”

 

Gojyo frowned and opened his mouth to deny that. He closed his mouth and the frown eased. He gave me a gentle smile and moved to the bed, toeing off his boots before settling in, his back leaning against the headboard. I turned and headed for the door, a smile on my face. Gojyo was a sharp cookie. He knew I didn't owe him anything and that Goku hadn't interrupted us in weeks. He was willing to play along with my excuse without saying a damn thing. It was one of the things that I really appreciated about him. I unlocked the door and cracked it open, knowing I'd see the monk still sitting outside.

 

“Get me enough food and something to drink for two people. Simple shit. Fruit, nuts, bread and maybe some onigri. Think you can handle that?”

 

“Yes, of course, Sanzo-sama,” said the monk, bowing deeply.

 

“Good. Knock on the door, leave the tray on the floor and then get lost.”

 

I slammed the door, locked it and walked back to the bed. Gojyo watched me approach and patted the bed beside him. I took off the sutra, rolled it up carefully, and placed it the table beside the bed. I shed my breastplate and robes, dumping them onto a chair. I toed off my boots and joined Gojyo on the bed. He started to pull me into his arms but I slipped my arm over his shoulders and pulled him down to my chest. He twisted his head and gave me a surprised look. He was usually the one who held me not the other way around. I shrugged.

 

“You need it more than me.”

 

Gojyo eyes went wide before he quickly looked down and settled against me. He snaked one arm behind me and threw his other arm around my waist, hugging me tight. He drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly. My hand ended up in his hair, stroking it slowly. Gojyo rubbed his cheek against my chest and relaxed, whatever little bit of tension that remained, drained away. After a few minutes of just relaxing with each other, I swore I heard the faintest sounds of his demon song. I strained my ears to make out the words. I just knew it was important.

 

Have sinned…. Have learnt…. True to the life…. Never want to lose…. Go forward…. Brighter sky….

 

I growled in annoyance when I heard the knock at the door and the barely there song that soothed things within me abruptly stopped. Damned monk had the crappiest timing on the planet. I nudged Gojyo to let me go and padded to the door, opening it to retrieve the tray. Instead of leaving the tray like I'd told him, the monk stood there holding it and shifted from foot to foot. He offered it to me and bit his lip before speaking in a rush.

 

“The head priest doesn't speak for all on the views of youkai, Sanzo-sama. My brother-in-law is a youkai and he's a good man. He felt himself slipping into madness and left because he didn't want to hurt my sister or their baby or any of his human relatives. They say you're on a journey to stop whatever is making the youkai go insane. It will be the greatest gift possible for my family to have Hitoshi back with us. We miss him. My prayers will be added to the ones already being said for you to succeed. I believe you can do this, Sanzo-sama. I have faith in you.”

 

The monk handed me the tray, bowed deeply from the waist and hurried away. I blinked slowly, surprised at what he'd just said and the utter conviction in his voice. I should've been annoyed that somebody was heaping more responsibility on my shoulders, but I wasn't. I felt… strangely honoured to have such faith given to me.

 

Today was turning out to be one hell of a day of revelations.

 

I toed the door shut, balanced the tray in one hand, threw the bolt and walked back to the bed. Gojyo eyed the tray with interest. I put it down at the foot of the bed, removing what looked suspiciously like a sake bottle and placing it on the bedside table before climbing back onto the bed. I dragged the tray up close and picked out a dried apricot, sighing in pleasure at the chewy sweetness.

 

“What's with the food, Sanzo?”

 

“I'm not leaving this room to sit at a table and eat with that asshole of a head priest. I'm sure I couldn't get through the meal without shooting him just on principal alone never mind actually eating anything. Didn't think you'd want to eat with him after that bullshit he spouted. I'm betting neither Hakkai nor Goku will be wanting to eat with him either. You spill anything in the bed though and I kick you out, got it?”

 

Gojyo smiled at me. “I have excellent manners when I'm not trying to get my fair share before the monkey steals all the food. Or when certain priests flitch food right off my plate.”

 

I snorted softly and grabbed a handful of almonds. “My gold card paid for it so it was all mine to start with.”

 

Gojyo finally laughed and leaned in to kiss me gently on the lips. I was all proud of myself for bringing his good humour back. I just might be able to pull off this love thing.

 

“Pour some of that sake and let's put a dent in this food. I like the idea of staying in all night. If you're really nice to me, I might even let you brush my hair for as long as you like.”

 

I rolled my eyes. Like Gojyo found that a hardship. I wasn't even bugged that much by the idea that he'd kind of said I had a hair thing out loud. It was just the two of us, so it didn't really matter. And I could always claim later on that he'd embarrassed me and needed a good spanking to even things up between us. I grinned at the idea of turning Gojyo's very spankable ass rosy red. He'd like that so much; he'd probably end up begging me to do it, which was even better.

 

I was really starting to think I could do this relationship stuff.

 

*********

 

 

“Thank you for taking your responsibilities with Gojyo so seriously, Sanzo,” Hakkai said quietly with a genuine smile and a light touch on my arm. “I'd been a little bit worried earlier but I see that everything has worked itself out now. I'm happy for you both.”

 

I frowned and opened my mouth to ask what the hell he was taking about only to snap it shut so fast my teeth clicked together loudly. Son of a bitch. Hakkai knew how I felt about Gojyo. How? I hadn't said shit. Gojyo didn't even know how I felt about him. Hakkai patted my arm in what I think was supposed to be a comforting gesture and there was warmth in his eyes.

 

“It does get easier, Sanzo. Honest. And after a while, it's not so much a responsibility as something you do automatically, like breathing. After a while, you'll wonder how you ever got along without it.”

 

Hakkai moved away and checked the placement of the things stashed in the jeep. He fussed more than necessary before declaring everything ready and calling us to the jeep. I eyed Hakkai warily when Gojyo got into the jeep but Hakkai said nothing, focusing instead on the map for several minutes before humming to himself and folding it away. I climbed into my seat already tuning out the squabbling idiots in the back.

 

I had more things to think about. Despite believing that they would've weighed heavily on my mind, my thoughts about Gojyo and our relationship actually made me feel light inside. I slid a side-long glance at Hakkai and snorted softly. Just because he didn't often talk about feelings and crap didn't mean he had no idea what was going on. There was also the fact that he'd been with Gojyo and me that night it rained and I think he'd suspected something then. Thank god for his discretion or I might've been tempted to blow a hole in somewhere possibly fatal if he'd said anything. I should've known better. Hakkai wouldn't say shit if his mouth was full of it. Especially after he'd given me his word that he wouldn't.

 

The only reason I could think of for him to say anything to me now was because Gojyo was his friend and I'd done some pretty shitty things to Gojyo. I hadn't forgotten the look of pure, painful death Hakkai'd sent my way when I'd treated Gojyo so badly. I wasn't so sure about the getting easier part though. My stomach still tensed up when I thought of telling Gojyo how I felt. Hell, my stomach cramped up when I thought about Gojyo telling me he loved me. I had no idea what I was supposed to do when that day came. At least I thought the pervy kappa would have some brains in his skull and wouldn't say something like that where everybody could hear. I think I really would shoot him then no matter how happy it made me to know I was loved.

 

Despite the butterflies storming around my stomach at the thought of hearing Gojyo tell me how he really felt, I was content. I closed my eyes and let out a slow breath, my fingers resting on the handle of the paper fan tucked into my sleeve, knowing I'd need it in the next fifteen minutes. Just because I loved Gojyo didn't mean I wouldn't smack him with my fan when he was being an annoying moron.

 

I cracked an eye open when Goku jostled my seat, the fan sliding half way out of my sleeve, ready to start whacking. Gojyo caught my glance in the rear view mirror and winked at me. My cheeks heated and I muttered a threat for the two of them to settle down before I had to beat them senseless. Gojyo grinned at me in the mirror and quickly ran his tongue over his top lip in a lewd gesture that went straight to my cock. I slouched lower in the seat and closed my eyes, willing the rock hard boner I now had would go away at the same time that I enjoyed the feel of it. Gojyo laughed softly and when he leaned forward to say something to Hakkai, his fingers brushed lightly over my shoulder in what we both knew was a caress.

 

Things would work out between us. I was sure of it. I could damn near feel it and it made me happy.