Disclaimer: Gensomaden Saiyuki belongs to Kazuya Minekura.

Spoilers Alert: I don't exactly remember which episodes (too lazy to dig in the VCD piles. Gomen!), but it's about stuff that happened in Hakkai' s past. You have been warned, though.

The Little Mer- Bishounen

By: Nikoru Sanzo

Chapter 5- A Narrow Escape From the Big Coral Reef in The Sky

AT THE ROYAL KITCHEN…

The skinny blue- haired chef munched on his toothpick. He grumbled and cursed as he slaved over pots of boiling chowder and stews.

"I could have stayed in my old geezer of a dad's castle and make dolls until the world chokes at my evil creations! But no! I have to end up as the overworked and UN-paid royal chef for an idiot saru prince whose belly knows no hour and satisfaction!"

>CLUNK! <

A wooden puppet smacks Chef Chin Iisou right at the back of his head.

"Oi, baka! One of your stupid dolls got into Prince Goku' s ten- inch cheesecake again! You tryin' to poison him or something?! Baka hentai chef with freaky fetishes!" A palace servant hollered from the kitchen door, and then left as soon as he had made sure the cook has received his nightly dose of verbal abuse.

"Poison him? Of course not! I was trying blow him up!" Chin Iisou rubbed a lump at the back of his head. He made a mental note to create lighter dolls that can carry as much firepower as possible but won't add to the weight of the food and won't hurt as much when chucked at him. He knows he doesn't feel pain at all, but why on earth is it an exception when they wallop him with his own dolls? That one he has to figure out until his next foiled assassination attempt on Prince Goku.

>Kaiten Kyoumon: "I thought he's like a walking bottle of anesthetic? How come he DOES get hurt when they lob his dolls at him?" <

>Nikoru Sanzo: (shows her sutra a mile- long list of signatures from the We-Can't-Forgive-Chin-Iisou-For-What-He-Did-To-Hakkai-In-Episodes-$-To-$ Society: so this is almost a spoiler, ne?) <

>Kaiten Kyoumon: "Oh, okay! Not that I'm complaining anyway." <

After making sure no one's around to look over his shoulder, Chin Iisou took out a bulky tome. The front cover's title was suspiciously scratched out and the words "Secret Royal Recipes For Prince Goku" were hastily scribbled on with what looks like blood and ceramic paint. He opened the book and began flipping through the yellowed and worn pages.

"Let's see… hmm… types of wood for killer puppets… "

From behind the spice rack, Hakkai and Gojyo stole uneasy looks at the obviously unstable chef.

"I don't like the looks of him. We had better sneak out of this room and find Sanzo. Gojyo? Gojyo! What are you doing?" Hakkai worriedly called out to his friend who had already made his way into an open basket on the floor.

The horny kappa was hitting on a shiny female lobster. "Hey there, sugar! Wanna celebrate my arrival with a mating dance?"

To Gojyo' s and Hakkai' s horror, the female lobster suddenly emitted a siren- like wail and began screaming, "Master Chin Iisou! Intruders! Intruders!"

"Wha? What?!"

Startled by his lobster shikigami, Chin Iisou accidentally drops the monstrous tome on his foot. He felt no pain, only annoyance as he looked at his crushed foot.

"Oh boy, the other servants are gonna have a field day over my dead toenails."

"Master Chin Iisou! Intruders! Intruders!"

The youkai chef spun around and spotted the shocked kappa in the basket.

"A-ha! A horny little sea gokiburi caught in my snare. I knew my lobster shikigami would come in handy one day. " Chin Iisou reached into the basket to pick up Gojyo.

"Snare this!" Gojyo clamped his claws on Chin Iisou' s fingers. The latter, unable to feel the slightest sting, simply grabbed our poor kappa with his other hand.

"Hakkai! Gimme a hand!"

"Hakkai? You have a friend with you, eh? Will both of you give me a wonderful lobster dinner? That's right, while Prince Goku munches on one of you, my little lobster shikigami will lie still with the other and wait for the right time to…"

"Unhand him, you fiend!" Hakkai launched into the air and knocked Gojyo out of Chin Iisou' s hand. The crazy chef's narrow eyes flickered with interest.

"C- can it be? Is that you, Cho Gono? The notorious mass- murderer who massacred an entire clan of youkai aboard a luxury liner?"

Hakkai seemed to be puzzled. "You looked familiar. But didn't I already…?"

Gojyo' s eyes darted from Chin Iisou to his friend. It was no secret to him that Hakkai' s girlfriend; a pretty flounder named Kanan was caught in the fishing line of Chin Iisou' s father- Hyakugan- Mao, and taken up into their luxury liner. Who knows what unspeakable deeds were done to the poor flounder girl? Appalling deeds that were likely done with some Hollandaise sauce and a sprig of parsley. Hakkai, who was named Cho Gono, a teacher at a school of fish at that time, slaughtered Chin Iisou and his entire clan aboard the cruise ship in revenge. The rest was history.

Chin Iisou unbuttoned his shirt and pointed at a strange object embedded on his bare chest. "I have waited for this very day to get back at you, Cho Gono! I've been kept alive by THIS!"

Gojyo' s crimson eyes drooped, "Isn't that a mousetrap?"

Chin Iisou sweats like mad, "Baka ero kappa! It's a mahjong tile, not a… Oh, right! Those stupid palace servants always made fun of me. Can you imagine the inconvenience of a bathtub filled with mousetraps?"

Hakkai and Gojyo turn a sickly shade of green at the mental picture of a naked Chin Iisou thrashing about in a bathtub filled with mousetraps.

The barmy youkai chef impatiently clapped his hands. "Get them, my trusty minions!"

Like some sick nightmare, the cupboards, baskets, jars, and other vessels in the cramped kitchen opened to reveal their creepy occupants. Evil magical dummies in different shapes and kinds began crawling out of their respective hiding places. There were vegetable and fruit shikigami, kitchen utensil shikigami, condiment shikigami, pots and pan shikigami. Horror of horrors! Obviously a TV cable shopping fan, the nutty cook even made a Rotato™ shikigami! All you had to do is stick in a potato, and watch the amazing Rotato™ shikigami make the dreaded peels of slicing death. Good for garnishing and salad- making by the way.

>Kaiten Kyoumon: (rather disappointed) "What? No George Foreman Grill™ shikigami?" <

>Nikoru Sanzo: "Glad I'm not eating right now! If Chin Iisou had been the bathroom janitor he'd probably come up with a Silhouette40™ shikigami as well!" <

Surrounded and outnumbered, Hakkai and Gojyo backed themselves into a corner.

"Hakkai, can't you just blast these buggers?"

"If we attract the attention of the other servants, we might put Sanzo in a difficult position."

Gojyo narrowly evaded the cheese grater and egg- beater shikigami that pounced on him at the same time. "Then what do you call this mess we're in right now? Blowing bubbles?"

"That's it!" Hakkai exclaimed brightly. Just then, about ten critters jumped on them.

"Hakkai!"

The flounder blew ten bubbles with amazing speed, imprisoning the jumping dolls who thought could make short work of them. But it wasn't enough. More of these pests were already creeping out of their hiding places.

Chin Iisou laughed his evil laugh, "Give it up, Cho Gono! Accept your horrible, painful, tasty fate!"

"Kyuu!"

Flying in from the kitchen window, Hakuryuu fluttered in and began spewing forth flames, setting the puppets on fire. The agitated shikigami began running around, creating unbelievable chaos. Some of them even pounced on Chin Iisou who flapped his arms like crazy and screamed bloody murder.

Gojyo and Hakkai took advantage of the distraction and quietly sneaked out of the kitchen. Hakuryuu followed suit. As soon as the three of them were gone through the door, Hakuryuu gently landed beside the two fishy guys.

"Kyuu!"

Hakkai and Gojyo immediately understood. They both climbed atop the little white dragon's back.

"Hang on, Gojyo!" Hakkai cheerfully called out.

"I'm hangin'! I'm hangin'!"

Hakuryuu flapped his wings and rose up in the air. The three of them sailed away from the kitchen and into safety.

In mortal rage, Chin Iisou grabbed a nutcracker shikigami and burst through the door. Not finding his tormentors, he rushed outside into the adjoining garden where some of the palace servants were taking a well- deserved break after a hard day's work.

"A red gokiburi and a green flounder with a monocle! Where are they?!" Panting heavily, he bellowed at the servants.

A royal gardener raised an eyebrow, "Oi, baka! You're ugly hair's on fire and you're missing an ear!"

"Looks like you've been playing with your dolls again!" A palace guard chortled.

Chin Iisou 's nose blew steam and a large vein threatened to explode at his temple. Unable to do anything else, he just turned his back on the palace servants who were rolling in the grass and nearly choking with laughter. Returning to his ruined kitchen, he muttered and cursed incessantly.

"Just you idiots wait until I develop hair lice shikigami!"

AT THE ROYAL LIBRARY…

Sanzo' s eyes widened at the sight of untold number of books nestled in the towering shelves that covered the three vast walls of the library. The other side of the room is actually a huge window designed to let in the sunlight during daytime. But it was already evening and the moon and stars could be seen through the high panes.

*"So many books!" * Sanzo steals a glance at the saru who's still happily wolfing down a bucket of fried chicken. As if they didn't just have supper!

*"So many books to be ignored!" *

Goku must have noticed the monk staring at him.

"Nani, Sunshine? Is there anything wrong, Sunshine?"

Sanzo gritted his teeth, *"MUST he punctuate each sentence with SUNSHINE?!" *

The monk brought a cigarette to his lips. It was his good fortune that the prince kept some cancer sticks lying around just in case he had visitors who favored the habit. Perhaps Goku had already seen someone going through a nicotine withdrawal? It didn't matter. Genjo Sanzo' s withdrawal symptoms would probably bring about the end of the world and not a topic for pleasant discussion. He inhaled deeply, tar, nicotine and other nasty substances wonderfully filling his lungs.

There was a polite knock on the door. It was the butler.

"May I have a word with you, Prince Goku?"

"Uhm >munch! < okay. >munch! < "

"I regret to inform His Royal Highness that the official palace cook- Chef Chin Iisou has torched the royal kitchen."

"Really? Why'd he do something like that?"

The butler pointed at his head and twirled his fingers in a "loose-screws" gesture.

"Oh! No wonder I've been finding pieces of wood and screws in my food lately."

"Uhm… That would be because the Royal Chef has been inserting wooden puppets into your food, my lord."

"Wow! You mean something like a surprise? Ne, Sunshine! The Royal Chef wants to give us a surprise!" Goku tugged at Sanzo' s sleeve. The blond priest rolled his eyes.

* "Somebody get me out of here!" *

The butler was either blatantly patronizing or unbelievably patient," Your Highness, we had to remove the dolls otherwise your food would have tasted horrible. With the kind of behavior Chin Iisou has been exhibiting, may I suggest that we remove him from his duties and find a more skilled and mentally balanced replacement chef?"

Goku didn't give it much thought, "Sure, why not?" Beside him, Sanzo almost smirks.

* "Casually running the affairs of the state." *

"Shall I kick Chin Iisou out of the royal gates, or would you prefer that I let the royal hounds and Dobermans chase him until the next county?"

"Nah. I feel kinda' sorry for him. Maybe we could make him change jobs instead?"

Was it the flickering of the light from the fireplace or did Sanzo just notice the butler's eyes gleaming mischievously?

"May I offer a humble suggestion?"

"Uh- huh."

"Perhaps it will be best if we assign Chin Iisou to the Royal Stables. The last boy who held the exalted position of Royal Equine Sanitation Engineer has been promoted to Royal Equine Feeds Purchasing."

"Royal Equi-what Sani- thingy Guy? You mean like crap sweeper?"

A genuine smile. "His Majesty is most astute."

"I don't know what that means, but thanks anyway."

* "I think I'm gonna throw up!" *

"I am grateful for your time, Prince Goku. I apologize for the interruption. A pleasant evening to His Royal Highness and Master Sunshine." The butler politely replied. Sanzo didn't miss it. Again, there was that slight chuckle over the mention of his infernal new name. The butler makes a humble bow and leaves the room.

Prince Goku sets down the empty bucket of fried chicken on an ornamental coffee table. He stretched his arms and yawned.

"It's getting late, Sunshine! Maybe we should get back upstairs and…"

>THUMP! <

To Sanzo' s disgust, Prince Goku fell asleep before he could finish his sentence. The sweet little saru was already snoring his head off and the monk could only shake his head.

Like a pleasant but suspicious surprise, the gaslights on the library chandelier suddenly went out. Somewhere down the hallway, a dedicated butler could be heard saying, "Oops!" as he stood smiling knowingly next to a gaslight main switch. The only source of light in the study was the fire crackling cheerfully in the stone hearth. Sanzo sighed. It would be too dark to go stumbling about in the corridors to find his room. Might as well spend the night in the library. The lavish Victorian sofas looked too stuffy and confining to sleep in, the divans were converted into makeshift picnic tables for all the chow that Goku brought in with them. That leaves the wonderfully inviting white bearskin rug on the floor, half of it already occupied by Goku. But the bakasaru' s unholy snoring! Sanzo groaned at the terrible inconvenience.

As Goku lay sprawled on the spacious white bearskin rug, the light from the fireplace cast soft shadows upon the prince's face. In his sleep, he smiled and purred contentedly in the most charming manner, curled up and dreaming in a world with his Sunshine. For one not to be touched by the endearing sight of a peacefully sleeping Prince Goku, a creature would have to be made of stone. Or simply be Genjo Sanzo.

He roughly nudged Goku with his foot. * "Oi, bakasaru! Move over!" *

"Mmm… Ne, Sunshine… pork bun…" Goku dreamily murmured and rolled over to his side.

After making sure that he has ample space for a comfortable, if not totally quiet night, Sanzo slipped out of his jacket and sat down next to Goku. For some reason that can be discounted as completely irrational in the books of Genjo Sanzo, the blond priest gently laid his jacket upon the sleeping form beside him. He tucked in the coat to make sure it won't come off when the saru starts tossing about in his sleep. Only then did Sanzo allowed himself to sink into a most welcome and dreamless slumber.

TBC

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Nikoru Sanzo: Aaaawwww! Isn't THAT sweet?

Kaiten Kyoumon: Ack! My blood sugar level!

Nikoru Sanzo: Two bishounens sound asleep on a white bearskin rug near the fireplace in an old world type library. This merits a snapshot/screen cap moment!

Kaiten Kyoumon: With the mellow and subtle lighting conditions, we could even pass this off like a Rembrandt or night- time Jan Vermeer!

Nikoru Sanzo: Ack! My blood sugar level!