Gravitation Fan Fiction ❯ Aftermath ❯ Aftermath ( One-Shot )

Title: Aftermath

Author: Mockingbird Q (mockingbirdquester@hotmail.com)

Rating: NC-17

Warnings: Shuichi X Yuki. (Literally) Angst, yaoi, lemon, possibly AU, mentions of Nonconsensual stuff. Don't read this fic if you're under legal age. Possible spoilers if you don't know what Aizawa did to Shuichi, or who Kitazawa Yuki was - `nuff said.

Disclaimer: Gravitation and its characters belong to Maki Murakami. I just use them for my own amusement and give them back….

Notes: I know this isn't what happened in the manga, but my Japanese sucks too badly to translate the real scene in track 15 well. (Anyone who has, please let me know.) I also was totally unhappy with the way Shuichi's assault is handled in the TV series (i.e. not at all). If it helps, consider this fic AU.

Also, thanks to Jasmine Flame for being my beta. Any errors are entirely of my own making ^_^


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Shuichi awoke to find Yuki sitting beside him. He was in his lover's bedroom and the last thing he remembered was the concrete rising up to meet him, so he supposed he must have fainted. It wouldn't be surprising considering the strain his body had been put through in the last twelve hours. He hadn't taken much time to recover from Aizawa's attack.

Yuki Eiri was glaring at him, but at least he'd brought the singer back to the apartment they had shared, rather than leaving the singer unconscious at the studio.

"I shouldn't have told you to leave…" the older man said with a pained expression.

"Yuki!" Shuichi said, suddenly brightening, only to pause at Yuki's next words.

"…So I'm leaving. I'm going where you won't follow me." The writer finished speaking, bracing himself for the youth's inevitable reaction.

"Why?" Shuichi demanded tearfully, "Why??"

But there was no answer, and Shuichi realized he wasn't going to receive one. Yuki was going to keep his secrets, even if it meant pushing away someone who loved him.

He argued with Yuki at first, wanting to know the reason the older man wanted to end their relationship.

"It's because I'm a guy, isn't it?"

"If that bothered me, I would have never been with you."

It didn't take long for Shuichi to concede defeat. Nothing he said or did was going to change Yuki's decision. A gentle hand that cupped his face and the lips that pressed against his to tenderly silence him were the only response to his outraged questions. He yielded to the inevitable, trying to draw out their parting as long as possible.

There was a desperation to their lovemaking; the weight of their impeding separation hanging over them. Yuki's kisses became harsh, demanding a response, but his hands were coaxing and gentle in a way they never had been before. Some part of Shuichi understood that his lover was seeking absolution, blaming himself, pushing the younger man away into an unprotected situation. This didn't make him crave Yuki's

caresses any less.

Tears still wet on his cheeks, Shuichi tried to focus on the moment, wanting to remember every touch in the lonely nights that would follow.

Then strong arms were pulling him into a tight embrace, Eiri's face tucked into the juncture of his lover's shoulder and neck, where Shuichi could feel his ragged breath on his skin. Shuichi returned the crushing hug as best he could, sobbing softly again. The two men stayed locked that way for long minutes. Light moved slowly across the bedroom and Shuichi watched dust motes float by slowly, illuminated by sunlight - dazedly watching them the same way he had watched a solitary moth beat itself against a light bulb the night before - as an object to focus on to help dull incredible pain.

Yuki pulled back and seemed unable to meet his lover's eyes as he carefully removed the school uniform the boy was wearing. He couldn't help but smirk a little and shake his head when he viewed his lover in nothing but a pair of white panties. Then they were removed too, and the older man moved his lips down Shuichi's neck and chest, gently kissing each bruise and mark of misuse as though doing so would erase them from the delicate skin. Pain radiated from deep within Shuichi's chest at the tender gesture, his throat tightened unbearably and he could hardly breathe. He let out a choked sob and Yuki made soft, comforting sounds in reply, his voice choked with emotion as well.

After worshipping Shuichi's battered body for long minutes, Yuki moved a long finger to the puckered flesh that had been so sorely abused less than twenty four hours ago. He studied his young lover's face, seeing the pained grimace that crossed it when he gently tested the sore muscles. Shuichi was still bleeding slightly from damage within and Yuki could feel how tense the tender flesh was beneath his fingertips. Despite the pain, Shuichi reached out for Eiri when the other man stood beside the bed and removed his clothing, standing vulnerable before his lover.

As Yuki moved into his outstretched arms all Shuichi could think was that at least they could be together one more time before Yuki left him. He wouldn't let himself consider that it might be the last time; that he might never be held by this haunted man he loved so desperately. He had wanted to know his lover's past, to somehow wipe it away and see Yuki happy. Now all he wanted was to be with him, in whatever way the older man would allow.

"Please…" Shuichi said softly, heedless of the pain that would result, wanting only to crawl under Yuki's skin and stay with him forever "Please…I need you…."

His lover did not say anything. Instead he reached out and touched his lover's bruised cheek gently.

"Yuki! I want you in me."

The blonde looked at Shuichi and said simply "No."

For a moment Shuichi was frozen with fear. He doesn't even want me because of what happened. I'm not just his anymore…

Then Yuki was kissing his neck, shocking the younger man away from his troubled thoughts with the tender gesture.

"You need to heal. I won't hurt you that way. Come here…"

Yuki pulled him over so that Shuichi was sitting on top of his lover and removed the fuku the boy was wearing. Time stretched between them, long and quiet, and Shuichi was shocked to realize he had not ceased crying since Yuki had so strongly embraced him... In the last 24 hours he had lost his lover, been assaulted in the worst possible way, then had his lover return only long enough to tell him that he was going away again. Now the 19 year old was so sore inside from the assault he couldn't even make love to Yuki one last time. Some part of him wondered how he could survive the injustice of it all.

Then Yuki shrugged off his shirt and looked at his unusually pensive partner. "Take me this time…." He said softly. Stunned blue eyes met golden brown ones, and Shuichi's mouth hung open in shock. In all the times they had been together Yuki had never given any sign he would want such a thing. Shuichi had a sneaking suspicion that his seme lover might not really want it even now.

"I….I don't know how…"Shuichi whispered, not sure how to respond.

Yuki rolled his eyes "Baka. Just do what I do to prepare you."

Shuichi still made no move to do anything.

"I don't want to hurt you." He said, with a stricken look on his face.

Yuki made a derisive sound in reply. "What!? So you'd rather I hurt you!!?"

The blonde man reached out to gently stroke his lover's face. "It's alright. It's not a big deal" he said simply.

But they both knew it was.

They simply sat there, looking at one another for long minutes. Then Yuki got a tube of lubricant out of the nightstand, placing it in Shuichi's hand and curling his fingers around it when his young lover made no move to grasp it.

Shuichi looked far too nervous to accomplish much, so Yuki reached out and pulled his lover into a deep kiss. His fingers threaded through the soft pink hair, holding his lover's lips where he wanted them. By the time he pulled away Shuichi was watching him with dazed eyes, completely submissive to whatever the older man wanted. Yuki knew he could take his young lover now and Shuichi wouldn't protest, despite the pain that would result. But that's not what Yuki planned to do - he had already hurt Shuichi enough in the past weeks.

Yuki rolled over onto his knees, glaring over his shoulder at Shuichi when the youth simply sat unmoving where Yuki had kissed him.

"Well, baka? You're going to have to do some work for a change, instead of just laying there." The moment the harsh words left his mouth Yuki regretted them, wondering if his comment would revive memories of the night before. He rested his head on his arm and waited.

He felt Shuichi's weight shift on the bed. Then one of his lover's fingers was gently touching between his firm buttocks, feeling the puckered flesh he had never been permitted to touch before. He massaged the delicate skin gently, then the hand moved away, only to return a moment later coated with slippery gel.

A slick finger began to ease into him slowly, causing Yuki to breathe harshly as he tried to relax his tense muscles. When it was completely encased in warm flesh Shuichi stopped and waited long moments.

"Yuki…" he said uncertainly, "Is this alright?" He knew the older man could be quiet during sex, but still…"

"Stupid .Why did you stop already? Go on…" was the terse response.

So Shuichi did, working two fingers, then three into the tense body braced in front of him. He explored carefully, and finally found the spongy flesh of Yuki's prostrate. His gentle stroking of it caused his lover's body to relax a little more, but Yuki didn't react by moaning and pushing into the stimulating digits the way Shuichi usually did.

Wanting to please his lover, Shuichi slid his fingers out and moved to lie on his back under Yuki.

The thin fingers were removed and Yuki braced himself, knowing part of him considered this act reparation for what his lover had suffered through the previous night. Expecting pain, he instead found himself sucked into the intense heat of his lover's mouth.

"Shuichi! What?!…"

The younger man was under him, bringing Yuki to swift arousal with his actions. The position was one they had never used before, and it gave Yuki room to move freely, making love to Shuichi's mouth.

When a slick finger entered his stretched opening simultaneously, the blonde man didn't even flinch, rocking back into the penetration as the slender digits pushed deeper. The combined sensation of Shuichi's mouth and fingers brought Yuki to the brink far too quickly.

Then the fingers and mouth were removed, causing him to moan with loss, until something far larger began entering him. Yuki knelt there; face resting on his hand, trying to hold back any involuntary cries. He kept mentally reminding himself that he was twenty two now, not sixteen; that he had taken his young loved like this more times than he could count.

In a way it helped not to see Shuichi's face. It definitely helped to be on his knees rather than spread vulnerably and submissively on his back.

Even with lubrication there was a deep, burning sensation as he was slowly penetrated. He bit his lip in an effort not to make a sound, an image of Shuichi with tears swimming in his eyes the first time Yuki took him floating behind his eyes. He breathed deeply and slowly, reminding himself it should be easier soon.

His lover finally made it past the tight ring of muscles, entering him suddenly in one long slide that reached deep inside. Yuki heard Shuichi let out a shocked cry at the same time a sharp gasp left his own lips. Eiri knelt trembling as Shuichi remained unmoving within him. The smaller youth leaned over him, kissing Yuki's shoulder since it was as far as he could comfortably reach.

"Are you alright?"

"Baka," Yuki growled, "Don't stop there. Keep going…"

Shuichi kissed his lover's shoulder again softly, then carefully pulled out and pushed back in, still scared of harming his lover, keenly aware of the older man's invisible scars. He moved gently, trying to give pleasure instead of pain.

Yuki attempted to relax beneath him, still feeling discomfort but relieved that the experience had ceased to be the deep pain it started out as.

Shuichi was moving slowly behind him, kissing whatever part of Yuki was nearest as he pushed in.

Yuki hadn't had anyone do this to him since he was sixteen, and then not voluntarily. Visions of the faces of the men who had brutalized him haunted him, causing him to clamp down painfully on the body invading his. Shuichi gasped and Yuki knew it was because he had felt the older man tighten around him.

The realization that his young lover had been forced into a brutally similar situation only hours before struck him again, and he knew he could have killed Aizawa without ever feeling the regret he felt at Yuki's death. Only the knowledge that Touma would destroy the man for daring to cause Yuki pain had stopped him.

Touma had tried to talk him into doing this once when Yuki was eighteen, about two years after Kitazawa Yuki had died. Eiri had refused though, partly out of fear of ever being in such a position again and partly because he knew his close friend was seeking more than just friendship. Within the month, Seguchi-san had married Yuki's sister.

It was different with Shuichi. He couldn't stand to be the one responsible for destroying the emotion in those too innocent eyes, the way his sensei had in his. He had been scared of what he would face when Hiro told him what had happened, wondering if the boy would be a shell of his former self.

But somehow Shuichi had had used his love for Yuki as a shield during the assault. His soul was intact, despite the damage to his body. Would Eiri have been able to do the same, if the one he loved hadn't been the one to betray him?

Yuki had relaxed into the movement of their joined bodies as he lay thinking, moving with Shuichi out of sheer reflex. He was content with the comfortable penetration, planning to let Shuichi take his pleasure and worry about his own later.

Then Shuichi shifted inside him, causing Yuki to arch back as the movement brushed over his prostrate. The older man couldn't hold back a deep moan at the sensation. Shuichi heard, and strove to repeat his earlier action. Yuki's hands gripped the sheet, shocked at the sensation. Their joint movements sped up, Yuki pushing back as Shuichi began pounding more strongly into him. He grasped Yuki's shoulder with one hand and reached down with his other hand to clasp his lover's neglected erection. It was too much for them both. Yuki came with a low cry and Shuichi followed as Yuki's body clasped him rhythmically.

Yuki collapsed onto his stomach, feeling Shuichi's damp face pressing into his back as he landed on top of his prone lover.

Realizing Shuichi was sobbing harshly, Yuki rolled onto his back and his lover moved to hide against the blonde's chest.

Between sobs, Shuichi was trying to say something, but it took Yuki long moments to figure out what it was.

"I'm sorry, Yuki." He was saying chokingly, "I'm so sorry."

"Sorry for what?" Yuki said curiously, wondering if there was some way he could admit to enjoying what they had just done and still salvage his pride.

"I shouldn't have gone with Aizawa last night." He said, still sobbing, "I should have known he wouldn't have become nice all of a sudden."

"Baka!!" Yuki answered fiercely. "What happened wasn't your fault. There nothing wrong with trusting people you think are your friends!" As he said those words a weight seemed to lift off his own shoulders.

Six years had passed, yet some part of Eiri had always blamed himself for trusting Kitazawa Yuki, for wanting to be with his sensei so blindly, without considering the consequences. In a vague sort of way, he had felt that his desires made him deserve what had happened to him that violent night. Now though…

He was responsible for Yuki Kitazawa's death, but for the first time since that night when Touma told him over and over again that what had occurred wasn't his fault, Yuki Eiri believed it.

Shuichi was still crying against him, but the sobs were gradually lessening.

"I need you Yuki," The boy said tearfully. "You're the only one I'll ever want."

Yuki Eiri, Japan's most popular romance writher, master of language, couldn't find the words to comfort his lover, couldn't say the words he knew Shuichi wanted to hear.

"I want you to promise that you'll never let anyone hurt you again because of me," the older man said softly, arms tightening almost painfully around the youth.

"Yu...Yuki!" Shuichi cried out, surprised, "I promise. Do you promise, too?"

Yuki smiled a little and loosened his grip, running tender hands up and down Shuichi's back, feeling the younger man arch into his touch like a cat being stroked.

"I'll try. Are you alright now?" He asked the teenager, noticing the tears had ceased.

Yuki felt Shuichi smile against his bare chest. "I'll be okay. You're here. I'll be fine as long as you're with me." The unspoken thought that he would not be fine once Yuki left hung between them, a tangible barrier to contentment.

Not long afterwards he could feel Shuichi's chest rise and fall gently as he slept nestled in the crook of Yuki's arm, exhausted from stress to his body and mind. Eiri almost pushed his young lover away, not liking anyone close to him as he slept. It had been a habit with all the women in his past, a way to avoid unwanted questions about his frequent nightmares. But, deciding to offer the boy what little comfort he could these last few hours they spent together, Yuki let him be. He drifted off to sleep, drained yet strangely content.

Near dawn, Yuki woke to the realization that he had slept peacefully, without dreaming. He simply lay in bed for long minutes, watching the teenager in his arms sleep. He had always liked Shuichi asleep. It was the one time his younger lover was quiet, the only time Yuki didn't have to guard his actions for fear of revealing too much to the youth. Eiri reached out to push the fine hair out of Shuichi's hair one last time, then quietly got up and dressed. Shuichi stirred and reached out for the lost warmth of his lover's body, but did not awaken.

It was for the best. Yuki had to leave before his past destroyed the teenager who so obviously adored him. The one person who might break down the defenses the older man used to protect himself from any further harm. He grabbed some clothes and his laptop, and then left the quiet apartment without looking back…

Shuichi woke up alone in the large bed the next morning. He lay there for long minutes, looking at the familiar ceiling. He wasn't surprised to find Yuki had already left. He had hoped his lover would still be with him, but he hadn't expected it.

So Yuki's going where I can't follow him - where he doesn't want me to follow.

He felt tears flowing down his cheeks and wondered briefly if he would ever stop feeling this way. Shuichi brushed away the tears, angry at himself for crying yet again.

"It's really over." He whispered to himself. "Somehow, I thought it never would be…. I guess I need to grow up."

He wasn't going to mope and moan the way he had last time Yuki broke up with him. He had to resign himself to the fact that Yuki didn't want to be with him anymore.

Even if the pain he was feeling now hurt more than anything had in his young life. It was strangely comforting to know it hurt Yuki as well, to see the pain in his usually cold golden eyes when announced he was leaving. Shuichi had cried, asked for a reason, but he hadn't begged Yuki to change his mind like he had when Yuki had thrown him out a few nights before.

Some part of him had known it wouldn't have made a difference. Yuki was gone and Shuichi needed to get on with his life. Should he feel flattered that Yuki let him screw him before he left? It felt almost like an insult to the younger man's feelings for his lover, as though Yuki were trying to settle accounts between them.

Getting out of bed was the first and hardest step. The sheets still carried Yuki's scent, a lingering reminder of his presence. Everything Shuichi did after that, from taking a shower and dressing to gathering a few items he had left in the flat, was surprisingly easy. Before leaving though, Shuichi stood in the doorway committing every part of the dwelling to memory. From the doorway he could see the large picture window that always had such a beautiful nightscape, the couch that he and Yuki had spent long hours on, napping, watching television, having sex. The loft was a reflection of Yuki - cold yet aesthetically beautiful.

If he didn't return Shuichi knew in a few years he would barely remember details about the brief time he had lived with Yuki Eiri, but for now the memories were everywhere - and it was all Shuichi could do to close the door to the apartment and turn his key in the lock.

Shuichi took the stairs down rather than the elevator, no wanting to be reminded of their first kiss there. Each step down seemed a little easier, and he felt more determined he would make it through the days to come.

Yuki cared about him even if he couldn't admit it, to himself or Shuichi... The teenager carried that knowledge within him, a treasured secret. Yuki cared about him. He would come back. He had to come back.

For now, Shuichi would focus on his music. Bad Luck was going to become so popular the Yuki wouldn't be able to go anywhere without seeing Shuichi's face staring back at him. It might not be much of a plan to win his lover back, but it would help him survive the coming weeks. Finally reaching ground level, Shuichi opened to doors and stepped outside.