Gravitation Fan Fiction ❯ Alone in Eden ❯ L ( Chapter 2 )

Disclaimer: Gravitation is property of Maki Murakami. Sadly, I do not own anything. -_-

Note: This is dedicated to l_n and patosan for introducing me to the wonderful world of Tohma and Eiri. Thanks! ^_^

Alone in Eden

Part Two

Tohma allowed his fingers to fly across the keys, losing himself in the melody wrapping its sorrowful hands around his heart. His mind was preoccupied with the memories of months past, and it had already affected his music without his consent. The tone reflected remorse, partial anger when he accidentally slid too far down the scale while allowing his thoughts to wonder, and Tohma suddenly slammed the keys in unison, jolting the sound from mournful to pointless. He hung his head, tendrils of blonde caressing the curves of delicate cheeks, and he felt his shoulders beginning to shake before the cold touch of tears splashed hot on fisted hands. His face ached from gritting his teeth, the depths of his soul resonating with a forbidden passion, an impossible desire to hold the body of his precious Eiri once again.

He had not been to Kyoto in nearly half a year. He'd forced himself to place distance between them.

Eiri hadn't liked that.

He'd fought, argued, screamed.

Yet, that hadn't wounded Tohma as much as the `why do you hate me?' pouring repeatedly from his mouth and the glistening tears staining his face as Mika had shut him inside her car to return him to the repetitive, boring life within a Buddhist temple. Mika hadn't said much, but the look she'd given had been more than enough.

They spent too much time together.

So, Tohma had buried himself under work.

Nittle Grasper had already smashed the public with their entrancing, mysteriously up-beat yet anguished songs, and he'd forced himself to forget the memories, the smiles, the irresistible taste of sixteen-year-old lips upon his fevered skin.

He occasionally wondered how Eiri was, what he was doing, but he could never gather the courage to ask Mika or pick up the phone and call. His fiancé had brought him an envelope from the boy once, he could not remember when, stating that Eiri had insisted he have it.

It seemed unreal.

Tohma recalled the quickening of his pulse, the calm composure he'd somehow managed to maintain as he'd worked the glued flap open, Eiri's delicious saliva unknowingly holding the paper together. A picture slid out along with a folded piece of crisp paper, and Tohma's heart leapt into his throat at the sight. Eiri lay on a pile of blankets, head propped up with hand and elbow, and his golden hair was tousled, those seemingly innocent cat eyes glowing mischievously at him. His smile was sly, conquering, and Tohma had squeaked silently, desperately wanting to reach into the picture held between trembling fingers and touch him.

Reluctantly, he resisted.

Latter, Tohma read the letter, alone and undisturbed in the room that housed his instruments, and he'd been thankful he had decided to wait.

He wouldn't have been able to suppress a moan of compliance.

He'd forgotten how beautiful and rich Eiri's writing was for nearly seventeen, how readable and organized the kanji. The characters of his name were written with care, the odd addition of a semi-lopsided heart causing a lump to form in his throat.

Eiri missed him.

That had been the gist of it.

It had also held a hint of something else, something Eiri shouldn't have written at ALL, but it was there, in black and white, painfully clear.

Tohma hadn't been able to figure out what to do with himself, then.

He'd shredded the letter, had stashed the picture where no one else could fine it. And, he'd released the pent-up affliction between his thighs with quick, forceful masturbation, moaning his golden angel's name as he came shamefully in his hands, crying for repentance.

Tohma's blood stirred at the memory, and he rubbed the back of his hand across his face, suddenly laughing.

No one was there to hear him, and besides, he was losing his mind.

Absolutely losing his damn mind.

He shouldn't have been obsessing over something like this, but he was, and he couldn't do anything to stop himself.

He loved Eiri, loved him more and more the longer they were apart.

Tohma had never really been in love with anyone before, either.

It was a sin to admit that truth, considering he was going to marry a woman of wondrous talents, but their impending union had been arranged, the decision of two fathers wanting to gain from their children.

How could he love someone he was being made to marry?

How could he be in love with the younger brother of his fiancé?

He eventually sighed, turning the synthesizer's power off before exiting the recording studio belonging to Nittle Grasper's contractor.

He had to go home.

He had to sleep; his insomnia was increasingly worsening.

He…had to see Eiri.

- - - -

"Mika-san?" The lights in their penthouse were dimmed, silence reigning amidst the darkness. Tohma slipped his shoes off, glancing around slowly, but he neither saw nor heard her presence.

"She's not here," a quiet, familiar voice murmured from in front of him. Tohma jerked, tripping backwards into the wall, and the figure looming over him seemed to melt into the shadows of his desire. His mouth trembled.

"E-Eiri-san?" Molten eyes peered deeply into his own despite the lack of light.

"Hello…Tohma." Suddenly, he couldn't move. He couldn't comprehend what was going on. He lost all control of his body as Eiri reached forward and took his hand. "I'm sorry I frightened you. I…I fell asleep after my sister left, and when I heard the door open I figured…"

Warm fingers clenched his tightly, and Tohma mysteriously regained his composure, standing to his full height, trying to remember to breathe. It was then that he realized the other towered over him by several inches, and when he thought back to the words he'd spoken, he experienced the litany of deep, sensual words, not the light tone of a young boy.

How had he missed this?

"It's fine. I-I'm glad to see you, Eiri-san." Eiri squeezed his hand.

"So am I. Why didn't you-" He quieted, appearing unsure of himself, and Tohma thought he could see a blush on his face. Tohma moved forward, Eiri reluctantly releasing him, and he flicked on a table lamp, illuminating the room with brightness.

Tohma inconspicuously examined the other from beneath blonde bangs, his heart knocking against his chest.

Eiri's hair was considerably longer than before, brushing the lower edges of his ears in a tender sweep of yellow tendrils, and his skin remained pale, smooth and unblemished as it had been the last time he'd seen him.

Tohma couldn't resist smiling until he noticed the bruise adorning that godly face of he admired.

He was by Eiri's side in an instant, hands carefully touching the swell displacing his features.

"What happened?" Eiri sighed and leaned into Tohma's hand.

Tohma sucked in his breath…quietly.

"A fight…at school."

Tohma gave him a wary look.

"I've been trying to ignore them, honestly I have, but then..." Eiri didn't say anything more until Tohma prompted him with a slight nudge. "It was...about you."

Turquoise eyes widened a little.

"What about me?"

"I can't tell you."

"Why not?"

"I-" Eiri suddenly fell into him, wrapping slender arms around his neck, his nose pressed to his shoulder. "I don't want you to think that I'm...foolish." Tohma wallowed in the feel of Eiri's weight against him, trying to smother the long-suppressed urge to ravish him.

"Foolish? Eiri-san, you're not-"

"But I am. I am so idiotically foolish because I...because I..."

Tohma's heart pounded frantically.

Say it.

His mind swam.

Say it…

Please.

"What?" His voice was barely a whisper, and Eiri's was even smaller.

"Because I love you, and I'm not supposed to."

His senses reeled, blinding him, smothering him, deafening him, paralyzing him, and Tohma drew Eiri back, looking upon him with obvious surprise.

"W-what?" He blinked. "What did you say?"

Thoughts flashed before him, unbelievable ideas surfacing that should not have EVER been there, and Tohma felt guilty for it.

"Because I love you." The words rang in his ears. "I love you, Tohma." Then, the boy seemed to shrink after a moment, his confidence crushed without any response. "I-I mean…oh, god…I'm sorry…I-"

Tohma moved.

His mouth crushed Eiri's, his tongue demanding as he parted the boy's lips. Eiri grunted, unsure of what to think, and then, he was kissing back, his hands frantically moving everywhere. They ran up Tohma's back, combed through platinum hair, and squeezed tightly, drawing him closer.

Eiri no longer seemed the shy one. His tongue jabbed against the roof of Tohma's mouth, slid slickly over teeth and gums, massaged the plane of the other's tongue, and Tohma's knees shook, his thoughts frayed.

He eventually surrendered.

And…

They fell to the floor.

Eiri flattened him into the hard panels, his no-longer-boyish frame feeling forbidden and heavenly all at once. Something pressed into Tohma's side, uncomfortable, painful, but he ignored it, only the taste and touch of the youth ravishing him prominent in his mind. Eiri sucked at his lips, drawing Tohma's tongue deeply into his mouth, and spit slid down brushing faces, saturating skin and soaking clothing. Shaking fingers clawed the clothing clinging to Eiri's body, stretching it, pulling it up and away from his lithe body, and Tohma slithered his hands up Eiri's back, down his ribs, reveling in the feel of reality. It was different than before, the air thicker and heavier somehow, but Tohma couldn't comprehend anything but Eiri and Eiri's ministrations.

He raped his mouth.

He touched his thigh.

He played with him.

Eiri's skill was…mind-numbing, completely impossible.

Tohma didn't want these emotions flying out of control, beyond his will to suppress them, but the youth slowly driving him mad with his tongue and fingertips was doing just that.

He suddenly couldn't breathe and pushed against Eiri's chest.

Wrong…

Wrong, wrong, wrong…

His brain screamed the words, but his tongue did not move.

"Eiri-" His mouth was freed, and he panted, drew in air like he'd been suffocating.

Can't…

"Eiri…n-no…"
It seemed the hardest thing he'd ever done. He felt tears seeping down his cheeks.

"What's wrong?" His voice was soft and teasing, low, incredibly husky.

Tohma's stomach literally flipped over at his words.

"This…w-we can't…"

Golden eyes scourged his own, tearing into depths of passion-glazed ocean, and Tohma found himself gazing upon the face of a tormented, lost child, the soul of a misguided boy too naïve to realize the folly of his actions. Tohma's spirit ached with remorse, with an unholy love that should never have been.

"But…I-I don't understand." Eiri's fingers grasped the outline of Tohma's cock through the material of his pants and squeezed…rather hard. "I-I thought you…wanted me."

That was his undoing.

Tohma overpowered Eiri, rolling so that he was staring down at him. Despite the darkness, Eiri glowed divinely, a beacon to the perverted boy-lover within Tohma's sub-consciousness, and he pressed himself flat, Eiri already arching to meet him, moaning unintelligibly in the back of his throat. Fingers intertwined, locking tightly together in an embrace of sweaty skin, and Tohma's mouth descended upon Eiri's, his eyes drifting shut.

I want you…

His tongue feasted upon Eiri's neck, hot and slick.

I want you so much…

He bit at his collarbone.

So much that it hurts…

Eiri cried out, his hand gripping Tohma's with an unnecessary force that left his fingers numb, and his back arched at an odd angle, chest, thighs, and hips slamming together.

"Ah!"

Eiri moaned, tossing his head back and forth, torn between lying restless at the other's disposal and taking control.

Sparks smashed his vision into black stars.

He slumped liquidly into the floor and allowed Tohma to own him.

Tohma's mouth was everywhere at once, eating him, consuming his existence.

He twisted and bucked, frantic to feel all of Tohma's weight upon him.

Eventually, Eiri lost it.

He screamed.

The sound ricocheted throughout the empty apartment, soft yet deafening to the older man now nibbling at the delicate skin of Eiri's ear, and Tohma couldn't resist chuckling before freeing his hands of Eiri's fingers to remove the bothersome clothing between himself and the boy panting beneath him. After a moment, Eiri began helping him, tearing at the fabric of his own shirt to experience skin against skin, and they rolled sideways, losing horizontal balance, hitting the innocent table with the lamp hard enough to wobble its legs unevenly.

Glass shattered around them, blackening the room with cold, empty temptation, and Tohma abruptly stopped moving, his hand frozen beneath the band of Eiri's pants.

Can't…

Eiri brushed against him.

"What is it?" He sounded undeniably aroused, and the shame returned, pounding heavily across Tohma's soul, bruising his morality.

He couldn't do this.

He just…couldn't.

Tohma didn't want to ruin him…again.

He was so…

Disgusted.

"E-Eiri-san…" Tohma shut his eyes, grimacing, battling the tears threatening to burn the remnants of his essence into nothing. "We-we have to stop."

"Why?" Lithe, talented fingers encircled the wrist of the hand beneath his waistband and pushed down, a moan escaping Eiri's throat when flesh mean hardened, heated flesh. "I thought this was what you…uh!"

Tohma lost all feeling in his body as Eiri began to jerk off with his hand.

He didn't know what to do.

Eiri groaned and writhed under him, his OWN hand wrapped tightly around Eiri's cock, clenched tightly with Eiri's fingers. Tohma bit his lip when the tempo of his movements increased, when Eiri bowed his back to draw him closer.

Base to tip and tip to base.

Over and over.

Relentlessly.

Tohma felt the heat, the give of velvet skin under his fingers.

It scoured him deeply.

He had done this.

He had initiated the kiss, the touches…

He deserved everything he got and then some.

He had done this.

"Eiri-"

The boy was lost. His eyes were closed, the sheen of sweat glistening upon his forehead, and his teeth chewed his lip raw as he continued to pleasure himself. Had there been any light, Tohma would have noticed the way Eiri looked, could have comprehended the incoherent thoughts in the youth's clouded mind, but he could not.

Tohma was drowning in his own mind, accusing himself, silently sobbing for Eiri to stop.

He couldn't remember when his hand began to move of its own accord, Eiri no longer able to do anything but encourage him with muted moans and the rocking of his hips.

Tohma felt light years from himself.

He wasn't doing this.

He knew better than to allow his feelings, wrong and misguided, to control him

He knew better.

He knew…nothing.

Eiri was beautiful, exquisite and godly upon the floor, shivering from the orgasm closing upon him. He didn't deserve the touch of some pedophile who would only hurt him in the end, though he would not mean to. He deserved someone who would truly love him, not lust after him, want him in such an unforgiving manner.

He-

Eiri climaxed harshly, cum wetting Tohma's fingers and his clothing, bringing an end to the nightmarish dream.

His breath was ragged, harsh and satisfying to burning ears amidst the darkness, and Tohma shamefully pulled his hand away, dripping with Eiri's essence and screaming silently to be tasted.

Fingertips brushed his lips, smearing semen upon the edge of his tongue, and Tohma lapped at it, swirling and savoring it in his mouth.

Eiri couldn't see him, and he was unaware of the tears soaking Tohma's cheeks. He reached out for him, but Tohma was pulling away, his thoughts and body too shaken to lie there anymore.

"Where are you going?"

Tohma was on his feet, holding his hand away from him like he'd touched something sacred and had sinned for doing so.

To his fragmented mind, he had, and he couldn't be forgiven.

EVER…

"Tohma? W-wait!" Eiri scrambled after him, cursing quietly when he stepped on glass. "Wait!"

No…

No, no…

NO, NO, NO!

Tohma swaggered towards his bedroom, tripping over his feet, stumbling into the wall, desperate to get away.

He didn't want to look at him, just couldn't gaze upon his face.

Eiri chased after him, grabbing at his shirt, managing to latch on and slow his steps, and Tohma reeled, falling down and down and down into the blackness swelling around him, nothing to catch him or slow his descent.

The floor vanished.

Eiri disappeared, his melodic voice a distance ring in Tohma's buzzing ears, and when he opened his mouth to scream, ask forgiveness, beg repentance, his eyes opened instead, giving him the lay-out of a dim, sun-lit room. His muscles ached, the joints in his fingers and wrists beyond stiff, and his skin was saturated and sticky, clumps of dull blonde matted to his skull. He groaned, trying to regain some semblance of memory, and he noticed what had been his pillow beneath his head- his keyboard.

"A…dream?" His voice sounded hoarse to him, as though he'd been screaming for hours without reprieve, and he rubbed shaking hands over his worn face, unable to dissolve the realism of what had just happened.

There was no possible way for it to have been a dream, some figment of his imagination.

Tohma glanced around, searching for signs of someone else, of Eiri, but he found nothing except scattered sheet music, notes thrown hastily upon them in his handwriting.

He gathered them, crumbled everything into a ball, and threw it.

"GOD!"

He clenched his hands and beat his synthesizer like an ill-tempered child throwing a tantrum.

Frustration welled and ran over, sending a wave of blatant animosity coursing through him, and Tohma screamed out his grief, feeling foolish and morally juvenile at the expression of such a despised emotion.

He was such a sick, sick person.

What was wrong with him?

Why did he have to harbor such…immoral feelings for a youth ten years younger than himself, an adolescent BOY of almost seventeen?

Why did he lust after him? Dream about him? Pretend that those feelings were returned in the same fashion they were, inevitably, given?

Why…couldn't he stop?

It was like an addiction, a petty game he played to pass the time when he was bored.

It was repulsive.

Anyone else could have seen that had they known, but Tohma wasn't stupid.

He never said anything, and he doubted Eiri could remember their last encounter those six, long months ago since he had mentioned nothing and had smiled the morning after, but this new form of reality, these dreams of unbelievable solidity, were difficult to handle…and comprehend.

Did he only lust after Eiri?

Did he only want to use him and then discard him?

His heart said no.

He LOVED Eiri.

Yet, his conscience, black and corrupted, whispered yes.

Yes, he did want to use him, and yes, he would discard him after he'd had his fill, had sated his desire for young, malleable flesh.

Mika would never give him the satisfaction Eiri did, even in those make-believe worlds of his, and that made Tohma cringe with fear, with denial, with…nausea.

He couldn't do this anymore.

He was tired of living so far from the only person who completed him, made the uneasiness and self-loathing and loneliness evaporate, and he wanted to close that distance, return Eiri to the only place he should have been…

By his side.

Morals be damned, he was sick of running and hiding the truth. He was tired of living a fantasy that would never happen.

It was just too much!

Tohma stood on wobbly legs, the room spinning momentarily until he found his equilibrium, and he started for the exit, mentally reminding himself to never stay late at work again as he twisted the knob of the studio door to open it.

He had to go home; he briefly wondered if Mika had worried about him when he hadn't.

He had to sleep; his insomnia was far beyond worse, now.

He…had to see Eiri.

And, maybe, just maybe, he had lost his mind already.

TBC-