Gravitation Fan Fiction ❯ Alone in Eden ❯ N ( Chapter 4 )

Disclaimer: Gravitation is property of Maki Murakami. Sadly, I do not own anything. -_-

Note: This is dedicated to l_n and patosan for introducing me to the wonderful world of Tohma and Eiri. Thanks! ^_^

Warnings: Due to some -uh- helpful insights, I thought I should throw a couple into this story. Most importantly, confusion. I seem to have this master ability to write topsy-turvy chapters. So, please bear with me. Thank you.

Alone in Eden

Part Four

"We're home!" Mika's voice echoed within the apartment, the sound cheerful, pleasant, and Eiri's joyous compliance could be heard as he giggled, pounding spikes into Tohma's chest with each laugh.

He hid like a coward in the other room, afraid.

So afraid...

"Tohma?" His fiancé seemed a little confused now.

Should he answer?

"Are you home, Tohma-kun?"

No...

No, no, no!

Eiri...

NO!

Tohma felt his body reacting to his voice, to the one so similar in his dreams.

Dreams?

Oh, God...

Tohma looked down at his messy, rugged state of dress, could feel the dampness of still-drying sweat on his scalp, and he swallowed.

He didn't want them to see him like this.

Not like this...

He scrambled backwards, sliding easily into the adjoining bedroom, thankful that the rooms were so close together, and Tohma rummaged through drawers, through the closet, desperate to change what he wore.

Hats...

Gloves...

Neckties...

Dam mit!

He didn't want any of that!

Tohma eventually found a pair of jeans and a t-shirt in the bottom of the dresser, and he threw them on without thinking, afraid and aching to see the boy his heart missed without denial.

Eiri...

He ran hands through his hair, smoothing it, taming the chaos of his body, and he plastered on that unfathomable smile of his before sucking in his breath and opening the door to embrace his self-made hell.

Slow and easy.

Don't over...

"TOHMA!" Warm arms embraced his waist, tight and secure, a face pressing to his chest. "Tohma..."

He froze, his body immobile, entranced.

Eiri...

Oh, God...

To have him in his arms again...

To hear his voice, feel his breath upon his skin...

Tortured heaven...

"Eiri-san." He could say nothing else. It was already too much to breathe.

"Tohma!" Then, his voice was a whisper. "I missed you."

He smiled wearily.

I've missed you, too...

Much more than you can comprehend...

"You have?"

Shut up.

Shut up, shut up...

SHUT UP!

"Of course." Eiri pulled away, smiling broadly at him.

Eiri was still...shorter than him.

Eiri was still...beautiful.

"I missed you and Mika-chan A LOT!" He laughed. "I'm glad you invited me!"

Invited?

Him?

Tohma glanced at Mika, her features so serene, so angelic, and he arched an eyebrow.

She smiled secretly at him.

Mika...

The monster he had created...

"I...y-you're welcome, Eiri-kun."

Eiri seemed to brighten even more at the title given him, grinning impossibly wide, and he grabbed his hand, dragging him forward.

"I want to show you-"

"Eiri." Mika walked toward them, arms crossed, and Tohma looked away, embarrassed.

Don't think about...

I want to touch you, Eiri.

I want to...

"But Mika!" Eiri whined, and Tohma realized he'd missed part of the conversation.

WAKE UP!

"Don't give me that, Uesugi Eiri. Do what I told you, and then you may show Tohma whatever it is that you wanted to show him."

Eiri pulled a pout that pulled at Tohma's heart.

Want to...

"Okay." Eiri released his hand, taking his warmth with him, and Tohma crossed his arms, shivering uncontrollably.

So cold...

"Tohma."

He closed his eyes, afraid of that feeling trying to control him.

No...

"Tohma, are you listening to me?"

Don't...

Don't tempt me.

Please...

"What's wrong with you?!"

He was slapped awake by Mika grabbing him by the shoulders, shaking him, and he looked into those beautiful blue-gray eyes, hating himself, hating that weakness, what he was forced to hide.

Mika...

Mika, Mika, Mika...

"I'm sorry. What?" Her expression was clear to him, and it hurt him far more than anything he knew.

I worry about you.

Worry so much...

"Are you feeling well?" Tohma smiled his elusive, famous smile.

The one that aimed to kill.

"Yes. Why do you ask?"

Pretend...

Lie...

Oh, God...

"N-nevermind." She brushed hair from her face, peaceful and collected. "Is his presence here going to be a problem?"

He blinked at her, surprised.

Surprised?

Tohma was terrified, and his tongue flew to save him.

"No!"

Oh, God!

Big mistake...

Big, big mistake...

"I'm serious, Tohma." Mika placed slender hands on her hips. "If it's going to cause trouble then I'll-"

"No. Everything will be fine...I'm fine...we'll be fine." He took a breath. "Okay?"

Believe me...Mikarin.

Please.

"I..." She refused to meet his gaze. "Alright."

And, Tohma's guilt buried him alive.

- - - - -

Tohma stood outside the bathroom door, the sound of water being ran filling the space behind it, and he pressed his hand against it, fingertips spread wide. His breathing was non-existent, his heartbeat slow, silent, and his chest ached with such physical pain at that moment that he nearly bit his tongue.

Eiri was beyond that wooden barrier of sin, alone, naked, and deliciously wet.

Wet...

He could almost picture the way the water would caress his chest, his hips, his thighs.

Eiri...

Tohma suppressed a moan, burning his throat with the vibration.

To have Eiri...

Willing...

Wet...

Wanton...

Oh-

He couldn't stop himself.

His knuckles brushed the door, knocking, damning himself further into hell.

Slowly, the door creaked open.

"Yes?"

Blonde hair...

Pale, naked skin...

Large golden eyes...

Eiri...

Don't tempt me like this.

A smile slid onto that edible mouth, making Tohma's lips burn, and the hand resting softly against his towel-wrapped hip reached for him.

"Tohma!"

The elder man suddenly felt awkward, embarrassed.

"Eiri-san, I-"

"I'm glad you're finally talking to me." Tohma blinked.

"What do you mean?" The boy laughed, the sound harmoniously sweet in Tohma's mind, and Eiri drew the other's fingers to his cheek, rubbing his nose against his palm.

"You've been really quiet since...before."

Before?

His heart pounded.

"I'm just-"

I know why, though." Eiri pressed his lips gently to his skin.

Tohma's eyes flew open, huge, darkening to a deeper shade of turquoise than his normal ocean-green.

How...

Oh, God...

Eiri...

Refuse me.

Don't let me-

"E-Eiri..." Sharpened orbs peered up at him, freezing him, immobilizing him.

"I know why you've been ignoring me...why you never came to visit or called me..." Something wet slid down his wrist, and Tohma realized Eiri was crying.

Crying?!

"Eiri-"

"You hate me, don't you?"

"I-"

Tohma stopped, his mouth ceasing in giving the poor excuse he'd already given thought to, and he stared at him, the boy he worshipped without reason, the boy he loved unconditionally.

Hate?

No.

Oh, Eiri, no.

No!

I don't hate you.

I don't...

"You do. You hate me!" The tears were flowing freely now, washing over Tohma's flesh in a wave of warmth, and Eiri dropped his hand, sobbing into his own. "Y-you...w-why, Tohma? Why? I-I thought..."

Eiri's small body shook, trembling almost convulsively, and the older blonde lost the ability to control his actions.

His arms flew around the crying youth, his knees giving out as he tightened his embrace, constricting their distance, and they collapsed into a heap of intertwined limbs beyond the sweep of the bathroom door. Tohma became fierce, digging his hands into the exposed flesh of Eiri's back, holding him, rocking him, crooning softly to him.

"I don't hate you, Eiri. I don't hate you," he murmured repeatedly, his mouth adjacent to his ear. "I could NEVER hate you."

And, this time, Tohma didn't stop himself from licking Eiri.

His tongue slid across his upper jaw, nearly lapping at the sweet taste of his skin, brushing across the lobe of his ear, and when Eiri moaned, his inhibitions were put aside.

No one could stop him.

Nothing could.

Mika was in their bedroom, sleeping, oblivious to the sounds and happenings within.

His conscience was pushed aside, buried beneath his desire to kiss this beautiful creature of man, to lay with him, worship him like he should have been.

Eiri was his, and no one else could have him.

"T-Tohma." He sounded frightened. "What-"

"Shh." He quieted him. "I'll take care of you. I'll..."

His nose brushed carefully against Eiri's, testing him, stretching the trust Eiri harbored for him, and Eiri tilted his head back, his lips parting slightly.

Wide eyes stared at him.

His mouth trembled.

And, then...

"Please."

Eiri begged, and Tohma could not deny him.

The first taste of Eiri was...too much to describe, too overwhelming.

Tohma had dreamt of it, of everything about Eiri, but his imagination just couldn't compare to the living body held against him.

He took it slow, not wanting to scare him, forcing himself to remember that this wasn't make-believe, some twisted image in his brain, and he kissed him tenderly, a gentle, chaste brush of lips complete with hands cupping that fragile, handsome face. Eiri's eyes were closed when he drew away, his skin flushed a rosy pink that matched the moistened edges of his mouth, and Tohma smiled a warm, generous smile, one which radiated the love he held for the youth sprawled awkwardly in his arms.

"That was..."

Eiri's voice shook, deafened by the sound of water running into the bathtub, and Tohma's delirious mind awoke to the capabilities of their current location; Mika wouldn't be able to hear them.

"Eiri." The boy stared at him, half-conscious of what was really happening, and Tohma placed a hand under his chin, carefully forcing the boy to look at him. "If you want me to stop...I will."

It took so much self-control to say those words.

To say those words AND mean them.

A tear slipped from the edge of Eiri's eye.

"H-he said that, too, but h-he never did."

He?

He?

Oh, God...

Oh...

Tohma shuddered at the thought.

How could he have not realized?

He should have...

"Eiri, I'm...I'm-" Tohma didn't know what to say. He didn't even know where to begin.

Kitazawa Yuki...

The 'him' Eiri referred to...

Tohma had always thought there hadn't been something quite right about the man and his strange personality. He'd been quiet, reserved, much like Eiri was now, and he'd only spoke to Tohma when the necessity had arisen. Tohma could remember the heat smothering him as he'd pounded up those steps, having received the message too late, frantically desperate to save his beloved little companion, the youth he was so very in love with now, and he remembered the smell of blood, the stain of red soaking into the carpet, into Eiri's shoes as he'd stood there, shocked, his fingers loose on the trigger of the gun. Tohma could recall how Eiri had clung to him, the nonsense that had fallen from his mouth.

"N-never did, T-Tohma...n-never did..."

Tohma knew it hadn't been Eiri's fault.

If he hadn't worked SO much...

If he had stayed with Eiri, instead...

Oh, Eiri...

Oh, Eiri, why didn't you tell me?

"I won't-"

Eiri pressed his cheek against Tohma's, his mouth beside his ear.

"Please," he whispered, fingers tangling in strands of platinum. "Please..."

"Eiri..."

Tohma turned his face to the side, sliding his lips across smooth skin before meeting Eiri's mouth in a heated kiss, his tongue gently probing to get inside. Eiri complied, moaning softly and tightening his hold on Tohma's hair, pressing himself closer as hands slid down his back and toyed with the towel around his waist. He sucked at Eiri's tongue, unable to get enough of his taste.

Eiri...

My Eiri...

Warm fingers explored flawless skin in fascinated, almost possessive sweeps, running nimbly over hips, ribs, and back.

He was so smooth, so perfect.

Eiri pressed against him, tearing his mouth away to breathe, and Tohma opened his eyes, observing him with reverence, with a remote emotion that resembled fear.

Real...

Has to be...

Eiri's lips trembled.

"T-Tohma..." He took a breath, visibly shaking, eyes hidden by the angle of his face and the fall of golden bangs. "Tohma, I...why?" Without the presence of tears, it didn't seem such an innocent question anymore.

Why...

Why?

Why did the sun rise? The rain fall?

Why...

Why can't I stop?

I love you, Eiri.

No...

I lust for you.

"Eiri, I-"

"Why now?" he breathed, lemon diamonds now boring into his soul, silently begging for his answer. "Why are you doing this? I thought..." He bit his lip.

Tohma could feel his body beginning to convulse.

He swallowed, opening his mouth to speak.

"Eiri, I can't give you a-" The boy's hand, still locked within his hair, squeezed his skull.

"Please! Tell me! Are you doing this to play with me? Are you trying to be like sensei?! Or...or..."

Like a ton of bricks, it hit him.

Oh, God...

Don't ask me that.

Don't ask me to tell you...

"Eiri, I would never do anything..." Then, he stopped.

He couldn't...not to Eiri or himself.

There would be no more excuses.

No more!

"Eiri, look at me." The youth seemed to stare through him. "Look at me!"

Drooping golden eyes cried out to him when he focused his gaze.

So pitiful...

Tohma's hand cupped his cheek, slender fingers caressing his skin.

"Eiri, I...I'm not going to play with you. I'm...not trying to be like Kitazawa, e-either." Tohma knew his voice was shaking. "I don't want to cause you pain or hurt you, but I...I'm afraid that I..."

Say it.

Admit it.

Eiri's eyes shrieked volumes of trepidation, of knowing.

TELL ME!

"I'm afraid that I might."

Eiri was silent for a moment, and then...

"It's okay. I don't mind." It was quiet, barely a whisper, and Tohma choked on his tongue.

"W-what?"

Eiri leaned forward, placing a chaste kiss on immobile lips.

That innocence...

How could he...

"I don't mind...as long as it's you," he murmured, his breath sweet upon Tohma's face, and Tohma moaned in his throat, hands bracing Eiri's slender, still girlish hips.

You don't know what you say.

Don't know...

"Eiri..." Tohma was nearly on the verge of tears. "Don't do this to me...please..."

Kiss me...

Touch me...

Oh, God...

Let me fuck you.

"I...I don't know what you're talking about." He sighed innocently, the expression on his face deeply disturbing, deeply troubling.

He knew.

Dammit, he knew, and he was playing with him...

Like a toy.

Oh, Eiri...

Don't do this to yourself.

I won't be able to...stop.

"What am I doing to you?" Eiri seemed to tower over him as he spoke, his angelic face casting shadows on him, and Tohma closed his eyes, sobbing softly.

"Eiri, please...don't..."

Their noses touched.

"You know you want to."

No...

God...

NO!

Tohma's will power dissolved.

He fisted a handful of blonde hair tightly between his fingers, jerking Eiri's head back with a sharp tug, and Tohma's wide turquoise eyes no longer existed. They were dark, a burning fire blazing into the very depths of Eiri's adult-like yet childish soul, searing it into a screaming puddle of want, of uncontrollable lust, and Eiri groaned, feeling even more exposed than he already was.

Don't hurt me.

Please.

Don't hurt me...

Chilling lips devoured his own, hot, a liquid heat of physical torture, his tongue stabbing against the barrier his mouth presented, trying to get inside, and Eiri surrendered to him, too lost in a hazy world of misguided child love and adoration to know any better. Yet, he knew he didn't care in the end, anyway.

This was Tohma.

He loved Tohma.

This was...

This was heaven.

Eiri's ability to move evaporated, paralyzed by the sheer power Tohma unconsciously exerted over him, but he found himself on his back before he could blink, a warm, fully dressed body between his spread legs, pressing against him. Eiri was vaguely aware of the sound of running water above him, from his bath, but he soon forgot the existence of everything when wetness enveloped the lobe of his ear.

He arched his back and cried out, Tohma's hand immediately covering his mouth to muffle the noise.

So sensitive…

"Shh," Tohma soothed, nuzzling Eiri's jaw, lapping at his skin. "Shh…"

Eiri twisted his head to the side, trying to get a glimpse of the man deliciously assaulting him. Yet, he could see nothing but the curve of his cheek and a tendril of gold.

"Tohma…" He experienced a damnable terror that caused him to shiver. "I-I don't-"

"Do you want me to stop?" he hissed eerily, continuing his path down the slop of Eiri's neck with his mouth and teeth and tongue. "Do you want me to?"

Yes...

No...

Please...

Eiri closed his eyes, tears falling.

Just like Yuki.

It was just like...

Sensei.

He could not tell Tohma to stop, couldn't force himself to say no. Eiri lay there, petrified yet fluid beneath the other, wailing silently to himself.

He was he supposed to...

"Please," he breathed, lost, confused, torn between pulling Tohma away and drawing him closer. He didn't know if he was saying 'please...don't stop' or 'please...don't do this.' "Please."

To love and be misunderstood...

Tohma...

"Okay, Eiri. Okay..." Then, he wasn't being flattened against cold tile, naked except for the warmth of the un-tucked towel around his waist. He was able to breathe again, and the sound of splashing water melted into silence, clearing his brain of noise. Tohma's arms drew him to his feet, the material around him slipping to the floor in a pristine pool of fluffy white, and he stood nude within the other's embrace, quivering, timid, slender arms limp at his sides. Lips brushed his forehead, fingers brushing his hair out of his eyes in a gentle caress, and Eiri felt himself being lifted, his consciousness non-existent to reality, wet heat surrounding him from all sides as he was placed in the tub.

And, then...

Tohma's hands were on him, touching him, washing him clean, running nimble fingers everywhere. He stroked his calves, the outer edge of his thigh, caressing his hip, the indention of his navel, and Eiri bowed toward him, loving the feel of all that was done to him, loving Tohma even more than humanly possible. He couldn't explain what it was about this, but he knew it couldn't be-

Water rushed through his hair, over his ears and eyes, into his open mouth, and when he began to choke, the liquid ceased to come, Tohma's arms encircling his back, soothing him. Eiri's skin melded with the clothes pressed to him, dampening the fine material Tohma was now robed in, and the other lifted the drowning body from the tub, setting him lightly upon chilling tile even as he began to dry him.

Kisses were randomly placed on him -his shoulder, his chest, his ribs, his navel- and Eiri finally opened his eyes, the urge to touch the man kneeling before him strong. Tohma's slender, alabaster fingers worked over his skin to remove any evidence of his cleansing, his eyes shaded by the fall of his hair.

Eiri bit his lip and shivered when hands ghosted over the curve of his butt.

Tohma...

Why?

Why are you doing this to me? To us?

Eiri found himself draped in an oversized towel before he could comprehend anything further, and he was once again in Tohma's embrace, lifted from the floor, unable to walk. He buried his face against his shoulder, tightened his arms around his neck...twined his lithe legs around his waist.

Tohma could feel the warmth of his breath soaking into his flesh, driving him mad, but he firmly pressed his lips together so that they formed a thin, almost white line and continued on his journey towards Eiri's room.

He'd been bad, so bad, and Tohma knew this was his punishment for thinking he could love someone as innocent, as torn as his beloved Eiri and get away with it. He didn't want to think about the pain and betrayal and desperate trust he'd seen in Eiri's eyes when he'd kisses him, pressed him to the floor.

`Help me,' they cried. `Save me.'

And, this was all he could do to apologize. He had forced himself to pull away, had made himself ignore the supple texture of perfect skin, the taste of edible lips.

It broke him to be this way…

Always pretending.

Always the gentle, redeeming one.

Once, just once, he wanted to break the rules, to take Eiri away from everything, love him freely without the worry, the slander, the names, but it wasn't that simple.

Nothing ever was…

Please forgive me, Eiri.

Please.

Tohma slipped into the guest bedroom with the boy still clinging faithfully to his body, shadows shrouding them tightly in chilling hands, and when Tohma saw the bed, pictured Eiri aching in pleasure, hair wild with abandon, eyes clouded over in ecstasy, he almost threw him upon its surface and ravished him.

He resisted with all the self-control, all the self-discipline he could manage.

It ended in a cold stalemate, in an utterly disgusting hot throbbing between his legs, and Tohma pried Eiri from him, dressing the boy in clothes sprawled neatly on the mattress with haste. Each time he accidentally brushed his skin, that undeniable feeling of attraction returned, swamping his mind, telling him to do it, that Eiri wouldn't care, that he didn't care, but Tohma bit his lip and finished the task of clothing the sweet, naked cherub before him, instead.

His tongue stung.

His mouth flamed.

In the end, Eiri WOULD care. He'd hate him…hate him so much more than he could bear to realize, and Tohma didn't want that. He wanted Eiri to love him. He wanted…

He wanted Eiri to want him, too. He wanted Eiri to ask him with THOSE words.

He…

He was condemning himself for it.

Eiri would never tell him anything.

Never…

Stay that way…

Oh, God…

Please, let it stay that way.

Eiri…

Don't make me a monster because I…I…

I love you.

"Time for bed," the blonde haired demon whispered to his sin. "Time to sleep." Those shining, godly eyes stared back at him, but his silence remained. Eiri said nothing and climbed under the blankets, turning his back to the man kneeling empty-handed as he burrowed beneath the protection of his dreams, invisibly shaken.

Tohma trembled when he stood, his knees shaking, and he slipped quietly out the door and shut it softly behind him.

"Good night, Eiri-san." Hands covered his face, and Tohma slid to the floor, tears bathing his paled skin.

Stupid.

So stupid…

Within, Eiri cried himself to sleep, aching to know, afraid to find out, and lost completely in the love he harbored for the man sobbing on the other side of the door.

TBC-