Gravitation Fan Fiction ❯ Apogee ❯ Chapter II ( Chapter 2 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Disclaimer: Gravitation is not owned by me, it is owned by Maki Murakami. I own nothing.


Shuichi woke with a start, the shadows caused by the light from the television making the room look strange and alien for a moment before he remembered where he was. Even after more than a month, his apartment seemed strange. After living with Yuki for so long and becoming accustomed to the large open space in the living room, it was sometimes difficult to adjust to the smaller space of his apartment, which could nearly fit inside of Yuki's living room. He glanced at the alarm clock on the table next to the bed, sighing as he noted the time. Five in the morning, and the last time he'd looked it had been four. He sighed, knowing he wouldn't get any more sleep that night, not that he wanted to try. All his dreams seemed to be of Yuki, and as he started to get out of bed, he realized just how much of a problem the dreams had left him with. He went to the bathroom, started the shower and climbed in, shivering at the cold water.

He stood in the spray until the cold water had started to do its work, thinking of anything but Yuki. He didn't have to be at work for another three or four hours, the time was flexible this morning, Hiro would call his cell if he were needed immediately, so there was no rush. He knew he was done sleeping, though. He hadn't slept much in the last month, living on coffee and energy drinks to get him through the days. At night he found himself dropping into his bed exhausted as soon as he got in, and usually without dinner. Food didn't seem to be extremely important to him anymore. He ate breakfast to help keep the double cappuccino he got every morning from eating his stomach, but he usually found somewhere to sneak off to and worked through lunch. He was usually able to make an excuse to get out of dinner with anyone else and occasionally he picked something up from the noodle stand on his way home, but he just didn't seem to have any appetite anymore. Sleep was a risky proposition these days, he found. He usually slept an hour or two before midnight, then most nights spent the early hours of the morning watching movies or late-night infomercials. Sleep came again at four or five and he always woke by six.

He shivered as he shut off the water and grabbed his towel. He hated mornings like this. He had no problem with handling things himself, but he didn't want thoughts of Yuki. He had to get over him, since he was the one who had taken the initiative and ended things. He needed to move on. He chuckled softly, the tone bitter and dry as he ran the towel through his hair to start it drying, glancing at himself in the mirror when he was done, still not used to seeing his hair black again. He wasn't moving on, and he wasn't getting over Yuki, he knew that. Instead he was hiding, though he questioned what he had to hide from. His friends would all be supportive, he knew. Though, he wasn't sure anymore how Mika-san or Seguchi-san would react to knowing he had left Yuki. He wasn't sure they would be very happy if he'd hurt Yuki, but since he doubted Yuki had even noticed he was gone, he didn't think they would mind too much. Yuki couldn't be feeling hurt if he still didn't know Shuichi had left.

The thought that Yuki hadn't noticed he was gone settled heavily on him as he got dressed. It had been two weeks since he had left his key at Yuki's and taken what he felt he had to have. It had been nearly a month before that since he had left. Yet there were still no calls from Yuki on his cell phone, no questions from Seguchi-san about where he had moved to, no strange people following him home to find out where he was and Yuki hadn't shown up at NG looking for him. He knew it was possible Yuki was glad he was gone and wasn't worried about where he had gone or why, but he didn't want to think about that. He wanted Yuki to miss him, to hurt just like he did, even if they would both be better off moving on.

He shook his head at his own thoughts as he left the apartment. He still had a few hours before he needed to show up at work, and he planned to try to make the most of it. He had a new lyric he was working on, and he wanted to try to finish it so he could let Suguru and Hiro start to work on the music to go with it. He stepped into the coffee house a few blocks from his new apartment, inhaling deeply the smell of freshly brewed coffee and fresh sweet rolls. He smiled at the girl at the counter, nodding when she asked if he wanted his usual. In the month and a half since he had moved in, he had become a regular in the mornings, usually walking in just after opening and spending a couple of hours in the corner, watching the morning rush go by and trying to work. It was easier for him here, the words flowing better when he could detach himself a bit. At home, he felt too alone, too able to wallow in the emotions he wrote about. He knew the lyrics lately had been sadder than Bad Luck's normal style and he wondered if anyone was ever going to mention anything to him.

A few hours later he looked at his watch and sighed. Nine in the morning, and he supposed it was time to go in to work. He packed up the notebook he kept his lyrics in and dumped the paper coffee cup and the paper plate with most of a muffin still on it in the trash, waving at the girls behind the counter as he left. A short walk found him on the train platform and twenty minutes later he was walking down the street toward the NG building, the lyric he'd been working on that morning playing in his head. There was still something he didn't like about the last verse, but he'd figure it out sooner or later. The point was he had something else for them to work on. They had a new single expected out in two months and they needed a 'B' side to go with what they were working on now. The new lyric was sad and somewhat raw, a good counterpart to the sad tune he had recorded the vocals on the week before, but he wasn't sure if it was the right thing. Bad Luck had done one or two songs before that had been described as melancholy, but this was something different than before. The lyrics he'd been writing were often harsh, and the music Hiro and Suguru wrote mirrored the hard edge. Shuichi sighed as the elevator doors opened and he headed for the studio. He just couldn't write happy lately. It seemed like he had been missing a point of reference for months.

When he entered the studio, Hiro and Suguru looked up and he pasted the fake smile on his lips. He knew by now how to give it just enough brightness that he wouldn't completely crack before the end of the day, but not so much that it would be obviously false. Hiro wasn't fooled this morning, though, and Shuichi wondered where he had gone wrong. The frown on Hiro's face was one he knew well, and he really didn't want to talk now, he wasn't ready.

"Shuichi, what's wrong?"

"Nothing, Hiro, just tired."

"You're always tired lately, you look like you're losing weight, and you haven't written anything happy in months. Something is wrong, now spill it."

He looked up at Hiro, keeping the smile in place, his eyes fixed on Hiro's, willing him to just leave it be. "Nothing is wrong, Hiro. I'm just not sleeping well, lately."

A heavy silence descended on the studio. Suguru looked on in curiosity while Hiro and Shuichi just stared at each other, each waiting and hoping for the other to break first. The soft fall of Tohma's shoes on the wood floor brought all eyes to the door, and Tohma had the distinct impression he had arrived at just the right moment. He gave the room a small smile, then nodded to them. "Shindou-san, a word in my office, please."

He turned, knowing he would be followed. Even if Shuichi had not been looking for an excuse to leave the room, a direct request from the president of the company could not be easily ignored. When he entered his office, he walked to the window behind the desk, waiting for Shuichi to enter and close the door. He turned once he heard the soft click of the latch. Shuichi had changed in the past few months, and he was oddly disturbed to see it. He had lost weight and become withdrawn, in spite of the smile he put on for the world. He had died his hair black the week before, leaving only a few streaks of the pink here and there. He had claimed it was too easy to pick out of a crowd before, that he got hassled less on the subway this way, since it took fans longer to recognize him. Tohma had to admit he liked the change, the darker color of his hair contrasting well with the new pallor he had acquired from arriving early and working late. He had been reviewing the security logs yesterday and had noticed how late Shuichi often stayed, many nights not leaving until well after eight.

It was the less obvious changes that bothered Tohma, though. The latest songs he had reviewed had been sad at best, depressing at worst, with a hard, raw sound to them. Shuichi smiled and seemed to socialize, but Tohma noticed he kept himself more and more isolated from the others, avoiding being alone with anyone for too long. Tohma knew the smile was false. He hadn't perfected a fake smile only to not recognize the same in others. Shuichi was far from the master that Tohma was, however, and it was obvious the smile was forced.

Tohma picked up a flat brown envelope from his desk and opened it, taking out the first photograph and tossing it down on his desk. He waited for Shuichi to come forward and look at it before tossing down another, his eyes on Shuichi's expression. The pictures had been taken the morning before, and were intended for use as publicity shots, for the cover of the new single and possibly the lyric book when the new album was ready. Tohma had been pleased with the shots of Bad Luck as a group, and the individuals of Nakano and Fujisaka had been acceptable. The shots of Shuichi had alarmed him. The first he had thrown down was obviously a candid, taken by the photographer when Shuichi had taken off his shirt to change for his individuals. His arms were tangled in the shirt, raised above his head and his ribs were visible bumps down his back.

Shuichi's eyes glazed over as he looked down at the photos. The photographer had been trying to convince him to do some shots without his shirt and he had refused, at first. He had turned to change when the first was taken. He had turned back and dropped the shirt he was holding, too shocked to object as he saw the smile on the man's face. He had responded to direction in something of a daze, his mind reeling at the fact that he'd been caught, the pictures would be seen, someone would ask questions he didn't want to answer. He hadn't meant it, not really - after all, he was still here.

Shuichi snapped back to attention as Tohma tapped his finger on one of the pictures. He shifted his gaze to it, recalling how he had been directed to the pose... 'Raise your arms, palms out, put one hand over the other, good -- now look to the left and drop your chin -- perfect!' The ribs were raised bumps down his chest, the cross-shaped marks on his thin forearms vivid red on the white skin. He had known, he had known these would get back to Tohma, he had known he would be called to explain this, but he had let it happen, he had gone along with it. Shuichi knew his false smile was long gone, and he could feel tears trying to form in his eyes and blinked, trying to hold off the inevitable.

Tohma moved silently, placing the envelope back on the desk and moving to stand next to the singer. Shuichi's head was turned away from him, but he could hear him struggling to control his breathing. He spoke quietly, hoping to get answers if he caught Shuichi at just the right time. "When did you leave Eiri?"

"Six weeks ago," Shuichi replied, voice dull. He dropped his head to his chest, bringing one hand up to swipe at his eyes, beyond caring now if Tohma saw. "Did Yuki tell you I was gone? Or did you figure it out for yourself?"

Tohma shook his head, placing one hand on Shuichi's shoulder, not liking how thin and frail he seemed. "I doubt Eiri has realized it, yet. I'm sorry, Shuichi."

Shuichi looked up at Tohma in shock. He was being kind; seemingly more concerned about Shuichi than Yuki and it was confusing him. This was the man who had been blunt to the point of cruelty in wanting him to leave Yuki, fiercely protecting a man who didn't need or want his protection. Shuichi had been convinced that the only reason Tohma put up with him was because of Bad Luck's potential to bring a profit for NG. Shuichi watched in dazed fascination as Tohma stepped away slightly, shrugging out of his jacket and draping it across the desk. When Tohma's hands stripped off the gloves he wore and started to unfasten the buttons of his cuffs, Shuichi began to get nervous. But Tohma only rolled back the sleeves and turned his wrists to Shuichi, showing the thin lines crossing the slim arms, before Shuichi's eyes shot to Tohma's in shock.

"Nine months ago, Mika and I officially separated, " Tohma began as he started to roll down his sleeves again. "I wanted her to be happy, but I am afraid I didn't take it very well. I didn't cut deep enough to require medical attention, and it only bled enough to ruin my shirt. I thought then there must have been a reason why I couldn't do it. It took me a while to understand that even though I was hurting, I needed to go on." Tohma stepped closer to Shuichi again, his smile gone, eyes open and honest, showing the depth of the pain he still felt. He raised one hand, lightly touching Shuichi's cheek with his fingertips, then drawing the slightly shorter man into a loose hug.

Shuichi allowed himself to be drawn in, his arms rising of their own accord to wrap around Tohma's waist. He was still confused by the change in Tohma, but he was desperate for human contact. It had been so long since he had allowed anyone to touch him, even longer since he had been held or touched with affection of any kind. He didn't think he could classify Tohma's hug as affectionate, but it soothed something deep inside him while it stirred up things he had been trying so hard to suppress and deny. His eyes closed and his head buried itself in Tohma's neck as he cried quietly, the hitch in his shoulders and the wetness on Tohma's neck the only witnesses.

Tohma let him cry, one hand wrapped around Shuichi's shoulders, the other rising to gently comb through his hair as he held him. He'd had no one to do this for him, to offer this understanding and comfort all those months ago. He and Mika had agreed at the time to keep their separation private and to his knowledge not even Eiri was privy to the fact. The only ones who knew were the lawyers and Mika's lover. Tohma sighed, pulling Shuichi closer into his embrace. He believed Mika was happy, and that was important to him. He hoped that Eiri would be able to handle realizing that Shuichi was gone. He didn't know if he could find any compassion for Eiri on this issue. Seeing those pictures, the stark evidence of Shuichi's personal breakdown, had been more than Tohma could take. He had never pretended to hold a fondness for Shuichi since he had never known him well enough for such a feeling to grow, but he had never hated him, and it had been difficult to control his urge to take the pictures to Eiri and shove the evidence of his cruelty in his face. The state Shuichi was in had taken longer to get to than just the six weeks since he had left Eiri, and Tohma knew the physical was just the visible evidence of Eiri's emotional neglect.

Tohma felt Shuichi's breathing begin to even out and squeezed him gently. When Shuichi's head lifted from his shoulder he touched his cheek again lightly, urging him to look up at him and asked softly "Better?"

Shuichi nodded and looked at Tohma in confusion and gratitude. The fingers on his cheek were gentle and cool and he leaned his head a bit to the side, leaning into the touch without thinking. The hand flattened out, the palm cupping his cheek and Shuichi closed his eyes, enjoying the feel of being touched. Tohma looked at the man near him, at his closed eyes and the expression on his face. He leaned forward slightly, closing his eyes and brushing his lips gently against Shuichi's. He heard Shuichi's soft gasp and started to pull back only to feel soft lips pressing more firmly against his own as he was kissed in return. He hadn't thought about what he was doing when he had kissed Shuichi, but it felt good, it felt right and it was apparently something they had both been needing. He pulled Shuichi closer, tilting his head more to the side and beginning to deepen the kiss just a fraction.

Neither heard the door open, but they heard it slam and jerked apart to find Yuki Eiri staring at them with rage twisting his features, golden eyes blazing and shifting from Tohma to Shuichi. Tohma straightened his cuffs, buttoning them again while he waited for someone else to speak first, but Shuichi took one look at the anger on his former lover's face and ran past him, slamming the door again on his way out. Tohma was momentarily surprised that Eiri had let Shuichi leave and decided he must be angrier with Tohma at the moment. He walked to the phone at his desk and pressed a button, waiting for the other end to pick up calmly, his face carefully blank.