Gravitation Fan Fiction ❯ Fleeting Inspiration ❯ Results of a Drunken Therapy Session ( Chapter 39 )
[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]
By: Anna Sartin 
Anime/Manga: Gravitation Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Romance / Drama / Comedy | Type: Other | Uploaded On: 08.11.2012 | Pages: 2 | Words: 2.0K | Visits: 388 | Status: Work In Progress
Anime/Manga: Gravitation Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Romance / Drama / Comedy | Type: Other | Uploaded On: 08.11.2012 | Pages: 2 | Words: 2.0K | Visits: 388 | Status: Work In Progress
Fleeting Inspiration
by Anna Sartin
. . .
Chapter 39: The Results of a Drunken Therapy Session
.
"Let's break this down a bit, shall we?" Eiri's psychiatrist suggested, after listening to her somewhat tipsy patient ramble in circles for awhile. "What you're basically saying is that you're afraid to enter into an equal partnership with your lover."
"I guess so," Eiri responded dully, wishing he had another beer in hand. "Whenever I think about it I start feeling... trapped. Out of control." He hadn't been able to sleep after his conversation with Shuichi yesterday so he'd spent the night drinking instead. Shuichi woke up around five in the morning to the sound of yelling and found his drunken lover having a one-sided argument with Four Gay Elves. He'd spent the rest of the morning trying to sober his boyfriend up enough to drive them to the hospital for their appointments.
"Trapped and out of control..." the psychiatrist echoed. "I remember a time when you use to come into my office every week and describe feeling that way."
"Only this time it isn't about him."
"Perhaps, but your feelings and memories of him controlled your actions and your way of thinking for a long time. You told me several times that you would never let anyone control you again. Are you afraid of being controlled by Shindo-san?"
"I don't know. Ever since he asked me if we were going to buy the house together I've been freaking out about it."
"Tell me, between you and Shindo-san who does the majority of the decision-making?"
"I do."
"Why?"
"Because it's my apartment."
"So if you and Shindo-san owned a house together you think your control in the relationship would be compromised?"
"I don't know... maybe..."
"If it were the other way around and Shindo-san made the majority of the decisions for you, do you think he would make bad decisions?"
"I've never thought about it... He does a lot of stupid things."
"Such as?"
"Sticking pencils in the freezer to see if the erasers explode. Sometimes I feel like I'm living with a child instead of another adult."
"So you don't look at him as an equal?"
"Sometimes. It depends on the situation."
"If you and Shindo-san purchased this house together what's the worst possible scenario you could imagine?"
"That idiot blowing it up."
"I mean the worst thing you could image him doing to you."
"Blowing it up with ME inside it!"
The doctor laughed in spite of herself. "Do you honestly think Shindo-san would blow up your house?"
"I don't put it past him. He's set the kitchen on fire more than once."
"Surely not on purpose."
"No, nothing that idiot ever does is intentional; but it happens all the same."
"What's the worst you can imagine him doing to you on purpose?" the woman asked.
Eiri thought about that and immediately began to tremble as his brain produced a frightening image of his lover's face morphing into his long-dead tutor. Ten dollars... a gun... a grave... His stomach was beginning to hurt. "Him turning into... him."
"Do you mean that literally or figuratively?" asked the psychologist.
Eiri closed his eyes, hearing Shuichi's voice in his head.
"Instead of seeing me, you see the ghost of Yuki Kitazawa! I'm SHUICHI SHINDO! I'm NOT Yuki Kitazawa!"
It had been over half a year ago since they'd butted heads over that particular subject but the memory of the argument was still disturbingly clear in his mind. He clenched his fists tightly in his lap. Why couldn't the boy understand? Why couldn't ANYBODY understand that he had to stay in control of his life or he could wind up destroying it with his own two hands? When he lost control terrible things happened... people wound up dead. He would not let Shuichi wind up like Kitazawa. But how could he stay in control when it seemed like everything around him was trying to drive him crazy?
His breaths were becoming ragged, alerting the doctor to the warning signs that her still tipsy patient was having difficulty discussing this topic. She got him a cup of water from the dispenser on the other side of her office and told him to calm himself before continuing.
"In America I thought my life was perfect," Eiri said in a low voice after he finished the water. "My teenage mind was unable to grasp how foolish that idea was until I suddenly found out how very, very wrong I was. Now I'm starting to feel that way again and it scares the shit out of me."
"You feel like your life is perfect?"
"If I thought that I wouldn't be here," he said in an annoyed tone.
"Then what do you mean?" she prodded gently.
"Before I was taken to New York eight years ago I lived a miserable childhood in Japan where I was too short, too timid and too foreign-looking to be accepted by my peers. I hated my life here and I never dreamed that it would ever be any different. Then one day Tohma Seguchi took my hand and whisked me away to another world. I was happier there than I'd ever been until..." He stopped, staring at the empty cup in his hand. Pity he couldn't refill it with some booze. Anything alcoholic would do, he wasn't feeling particularly picky at the moment. Anything to take the edge off...
"Until Kitazawa-san's death," the doctor finished for him when he didn't continue.
He looked up, suddenly remembering his broken train of thought. "Yes. This time it's Shuichi who gave me a new life. Like Tohma, he pulled me out of a mundane existence and showed me a world I thought I'd never see. I don't want to go back to way things were before he and I met. I don't want to lose him... I don't want history to repeat itself."
"What makes you think it would?" the doctor asked.
"Because for eight years I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop!" he shouted, his eyes brimming with unshed tears. "I'm waiting for him to die or betray me or leave when he decides that he's tired of playing house. I'm afraid... I'm afraid to be happy!" With that he broke down completely, crushing the paper cup in his hand as he burst into tears.
"Is that why you make the decisions for both of you?" she asked, almost wishing that her patient would come to their appointments drunk more often. This was the most she'd ever gotten him to talk in one sitting. "To keep him under control so he won't hurt you?"
"And to keep him safe," Eiri told her.
"From what?"
"Me... himself... the rest of the world... He's the most accident prone human being I've ever known and he doesn't even have the sense to look before he crosses the street! Every time I turn around he's in some kind of trouble and it's usually because I was too busy being an ass to pay attention. Everything that happens to him is either directly or indirectly because of my negligence. He nearly drowned on our vacation and ever since then I've been having nightmares of him dying. I don't want to be standing at his grave eight years from now mourning him the way I do Yuki, wishing that I were dead with him!"
"So your real fear isn't that he'll become like Yuki Kitazawa, but that you'll lose him like you did Kitazawa-san. And then..."
"And then I'll be left with nothing," Eiri finished for her. "Again."
"Do you want a life with Shuichi Shindo?"
"Yes," he answered simply.
"Then don't live in fear of the future, or in the shadow of the past. Shindo-san in not him, and neither of you are tied to his fate. Not unless you allow yourself to be. This is the only life you get, and it's up to you to make it everything you want it to be."
Eiri stared at her. Was that possible? "It that possible?" he asked.
"If you both work hard to communicate effectively and share the burdens and responsibilities, then certainly."
Eiri cracked a half-smile. Maybe it was the beer talking, but her advice actually sounded plausible. He'd have to remember that, provided he still remembered any of their conversation a few hours later after he'd sobered up. So, while he sitting in front of a spewing fount of wisdom...
"Well, since you have all the answers, Sensei, tell me... How do I get rid of a stalking book?"
...he figured he'd better take advantage of the opportunity.
. . .
"Yuki!" Shuichi waved excitedly when Eiri went to pick him up later from his appointment at the other end of the hospital. "Look! My bandages are gone!"
"No more crutches, huh?" the author said, ruffling his lover's pink hair. "Does that mean you're ready to start packing?"
"You bet! I can't wait to move into the new house!"
"OUR new house, you mean?"
"Yep! Our-" He stopped suddenly. "Does this mean... you want us to buy the house together?"
Eiri grinned. "Yeah."
Shuichi eyed him doubtfully. "Are you still drunk?"
"Maybe, but my answer will still be the same when I'm sober." He was promptly tackled to the ground.
"Yuki, I LOVE you! I love you so much!"
"I know, I know..."
"I'm so excited! I can't wait to tell ev- Yuki?" Eiri began coughing violently and Shuichi helped him to sit up. "Are you okay?" the singer asked, rubbing the blond's back. The blond's face was etched with exhaustion, no doubt the result of his all-night drinking binge. "I shouldn't have tackled you, I'm sorry!"
"I... I'm going to be..." Before he could finish he threw up in his boyfriend's lap.
Shuichi turned slightly green and screamed for help. Several nurses immediately came to their aid. "Get a doctor, GET A DOCTOR!" the singer yelled frantically, as Eiri slipped out of consciousness.
.
End chapter thirty-nine
by Anna Sartin
. . .
Chapter 39: The Results of a Drunken Therapy Session
.
"Let's break this down a bit, shall we?" Eiri's psychiatrist suggested, after listening to her somewhat tipsy patient ramble in circles for awhile. "What you're basically saying is that you're afraid to enter into an equal partnership with your lover."
"I guess so," Eiri responded dully, wishing he had another beer in hand. "Whenever I think about it I start feeling... trapped. Out of control." He hadn't been able to sleep after his conversation with Shuichi yesterday so he'd spent the night drinking instead. Shuichi woke up around five in the morning to the sound of yelling and found his drunken lover having a one-sided argument with Four Gay Elves. He'd spent the rest of the morning trying to sober his boyfriend up enough to drive them to the hospital for their appointments.
"Trapped and out of control..." the psychiatrist echoed. "I remember a time when you use to come into my office every week and describe feeling that way."
"Only this time it isn't about him."
"Perhaps, but your feelings and memories of him controlled your actions and your way of thinking for a long time. You told me several times that you would never let anyone control you again. Are you afraid of being controlled by Shindo-san?"
"I don't know. Ever since he asked me if we were going to buy the house together I've been freaking out about it."
"Tell me, between you and Shindo-san who does the majority of the decision-making?"
"I do."
"Why?"
"Because it's my apartment."
"So if you and Shindo-san owned a house together you think your control in the relationship would be compromised?"
"I don't know... maybe..."
"If it were the other way around and Shindo-san made the majority of the decisions for you, do you think he would make bad decisions?"
"I've never thought about it... He does a lot of stupid things."
"Such as?"
"Sticking pencils in the freezer to see if the erasers explode. Sometimes I feel like I'm living with a child instead of another adult."
"So you don't look at him as an equal?"
"Sometimes. It depends on the situation."
"If you and Shindo-san purchased this house together what's the worst possible scenario you could imagine?"
"That idiot blowing it up."
"I mean the worst thing you could image him doing to you."
"Blowing it up with ME inside it!"
The doctor laughed in spite of herself. "Do you honestly think Shindo-san would blow up your house?"
"I don't put it past him. He's set the kitchen on fire more than once."
"Surely not on purpose."
"No, nothing that idiot ever does is intentional; but it happens all the same."
"What's the worst you can imagine him doing to you on purpose?" the woman asked.
Eiri thought about that and immediately began to tremble as his brain produced a frightening image of his lover's face morphing into his long-dead tutor. Ten dollars... a gun... a grave... His stomach was beginning to hurt. "Him turning into... him."
"Do you mean that literally or figuratively?" asked the psychologist.
Eiri closed his eyes, hearing Shuichi's voice in his head.
"Instead of seeing me, you see the ghost of Yuki Kitazawa! I'm SHUICHI SHINDO! I'm NOT Yuki Kitazawa!"
It had been over half a year ago since they'd butted heads over that particular subject but the memory of the argument was still disturbingly clear in his mind. He clenched his fists tightly in his lap. Why couldn't the boy understand? Why couldn't ANYBODY understand that he had to stay in control of his life or he could wind up destroying it with his own two hands? When he lost control terrible things happened... people wound up dead. He would not let Shuichi wind up like Kitazawa. But how could he stay in control when it seemed like everything around him was trying to drive him crazy?
His breaths were becoming ragged, alerting the doctor to the warning signs that her still tipsy patient was having difficulty discussing this topic. She got him a cup of water from the dispenser on the other side of her office and told him to calm himself before continuing.
"In America I thought my life was perfect," Eiri said in a low voice after he finished the water. "My teenage mind was unable to grasp how foolish that idea was until I suddenly found out how very, very wrong I was. Now I'm starting to feel that way again and it scares the shit out of me."
"You feel like your life is perfect?"
"If I thought that I wouldn't be here," he said in an annoyed tone.
"Then what do you mean?" she prodded gently.
"Before I was taken to New York eight years ago I lived a miserable childhood in Japan where I was too short, too timid and too foreign-looking to be accepted by my peers. I hated my life here and I never dreamed that it would ever be any different. Then one day Tohma Seguchi took my hand and whisked me away to another world. I was happier there than I'd ever been until..." He stopped, staring at the empty cup in his hand. Pity he couldn't refill it with some booze. Anything alcoholic would do, he wasn't feeling particularly picky at the moment. Anything to take the edge off...
"Until Kitazawa-san's death," the doctor finished for him when he didn't continue.
He looked up, suddenly remembering his broken train of thought. "Yes. This time it's Shuichi who gave me a new life. Like Tohma, he pulled me out of a mundane existence and showed me a world I thought I'd never see. I don't want to go back to way things were before he and I met. I don't want to lose him... I don't want history to repeat itself."
"What makes you think it would?" the doctor asked.
"Because for eight years I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop!" he shouted, his eyes brimming with unshed tears. "I'm waiting for him to die or betray me or leave when he decides that he's tired of playing house. I'm afraid... I'm afraid to be happy!" With that he broke down completely, crushing the paper cup in his hand as he burst into tears.
"Is that why you make the decisions for both of you?" she asked, almost wishing that her patient would come to their appointments drunk more often. This was the most she'd ever gotten him to talk in one sitting. "To keep him under control so he won't hurt you?"
"And to keep him safe," Eiri told her.
"From what?"
"Me... himself... the rest of the world... He's the most accident prone human being I've ever known and he doesn't even have the sense to look before he crosses the street! Every time I turn around he's in some kind of trouble and it's usually because I was too busy being an ass to pay attention. Everything that happens to him is either directly or indirectly because of my negligence. He nearly drowned on our vacation and ever since then I've been having nightmares of him dying. I don't want to be standing at his grave eight years from now mourning him the way I do Yuki, wishing that I were dead with him!"
"So your real fear isn't that he'll become like Yuki Kitazawa, but that you'll lose him like you did Kitazawa-san. And then..."
"And then I'll be left with nothing," Eiri finished for her. "Again."
"Do you want a life with Shuichi Shindo?"
"Yes," he answered simply.
"Then don't live in fear of the future, or in the shadow of the past. Shindo-san in not him, and neither of you are tied to his fate. Not unless you allow yourself to be. This is the only life you get, and it's up to you to make it everything you want it to be."
Eiri stared at her. Was that possible? "It that possible?" he asked.
"If you both work hard to communicate effectively and share the burdens and responsibilities, then certainly."
Eiri cracked a half-smile. Maybe it was the beer talking, but her advice actually sounded plausible. He'd have to remember that, provided he still remembered any of their conversation a few hours later after he'd sobered up. So, while he sitting in front of a spewing fount of wisdom...
"Well, since you have all the answers, Sensei, tell me... How do I get rid of a stalking book?"
...he figured he'd better take advantage of the opportunity.
. . .
"Yuki!" Shuichi waved excitedly when Eiri went to pick him up later from his appointment at the other end of the hospital. "Look! My bandages are gone!"
"No more crutches, huh?" the author said, ruffling his lover's pink hair. "Does that mean you're ready to start packing?"
"You bet! I can't wait to move into the new house!"
"OUR new house, you mean?"
"Yep! Our-" He stopped suddenly. "Does this mean... you want us to buy the house together?"
Eiri grinned. "Yeah."
Shuichi eyed him doubtfully. "Are you still drunk?"
"Maybe, but my answer will still be the same when I'm sober." He was promptly tackled to the ground.
"Yuki, I LOVE you! I love you so much!"
"I know, I know..."
"I'm so excited! I can't wait to tell ev- Yuki?" Eiri began coughing violently and Shuichi helped him to sit up. "Are you okay?" the singer asked, rubbing the blond's back. The blond's face was etched with exhaustion, no doubt the result of his all-night drinking binge. "I shouldn't have tackled you, I'm sorry!"
"I... I'm going to be..." Before he could finish he threw up in his boyfriend's lap.
Shuichi turned slightly green and screamed for help. Several nurses immediately came to their aid. "Get a doctor, GET A DOCTOR!" the singer yelled frantically, as Eiri slipped out of consciousness.
.
End chapter thirty-nine