Gravitation Fan Fiction ❯ Forever Gone, Forever You (revised) ❯ Chapter Four: Reminiscing ( Chapter 4 )
[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]
By: Crimsonreverse 
Anime/Manga: Gravitation Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Drama / Romance / Angst | Type: Yaoi | Uploaded On: 07.01.2006 | Pages: 2 | Words: 3.5K | Visits: 257 | Status: Work In Progress
Anime/Manga: Gravitation Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Drama / Romance / Angst | Type: Yaoi | Uploaded On: 07.01.2006 | Pages: 2 | Words: 3.5K | Visits: 257 | Status: Work In Progress
Disclaimer: Blah!
Author's Note: Nothing much to really say, just enjoy this chapter. It's going to be good . . . trust me, it is.
"Even in death our love still goes on . . ."
Raiden Toshiba, Drummer
Chapter Four: Reminiscing
"Are you all right? What did the doctor say?"
Green eyes looked at him, sighed sadly not knowing how to tell him. "He said that I have to keep taking my medication and it should help keep me stable. Don't worry so much, nothing's going to happen, I promise." He replied, placing a gentle kiss on top of his head and walked away.
Standing there, he wondered what's wrong and why was he being so distant. "Kei . . . what's wrong? Why are you avoiding the question?"
Stopping, Kei turned and looked at him with a blank expression on his face. He couldn't tell him, as much as he wanted to, he couldn't bring himself to watch tears fall from his beautiful eyes. "There's nothing to tell, Raiden. I just have to keep taking my medicine and everything going to be fine. C'mon, we're going to be late for your gig." He changed the subject, and continued walking. Raiden knew he wasn't telling him something, and he could see it in his eyes. Running to catch up with him, he went ahead of him and stopped causing him to stop one more time. Looking at his lover, he saw the worry look on his face. "Rai, I told you nothing's wrong, the doctor said so himself. I'm healthy as an ox and strong as a bull."
Shaking his head, he knew he was lying. Feeling tears mist within his eyes, he looked down knowing that if he continued to look at him, it would just make him cry. "Kei . . . you're not doing all right, I was listening. He said you don't have much time left to live . . . you're going to die."
"Raiden, I'm not going to die, I promised you that I'm going to get better. I am every time I do chemo. Please, look at me and believe that I'm not going to die."
Raising his head, tears rolled down his cheek, dripping onto the floor. Staring straight into his eyes, he saw some gleam of hope, but the rest was unsure. "At least tell me how long you have left?"
"He told me that I have at least seven months left, five the least. There's nothing that really can be done; the cancer came back."
"Raiden, are you listening?" Hiro stopped talking to see Raiden staring blankly at the wall, not even paying attention. Sighing, he’s been like this for a week now since he joined with them, something must be wrong.
Hearing his name, Raiden snapped out of his phase as he looked toward Hiro, with apologetic eyes. Smiling faintly, he didn't feel like himself. Memories that he thought were gone suddenly start returning once he joined Bad Luck. He hated having the feeling of knowing that he might not be normal. His doctor told him it was best to let things go and move on, but he couldn't. As much as he tried, he couldn't forget all the pain and suffering he went through. He couldn't forget his decease lover who went through more pain than he did before he passed. It wasn't too long ago, about three years ago and this is how he end up recovering. Writing poetry was his way of ending what he hate feeling, even though he knew the feeling will never disappear. Sora told him that it takes time to forget, but how long would it take for him to move on with life. Deep in his head, he would always love Kei, he was his first and probably his last. He tried relationships, it didn't work. He ends up crying or becoming angry and lashing out. He was even emitted to a mental asylum by Sora for attempt suicide and self mutilation. All that trouble, all that heartache for what, forbidden memories he tried to push away. Welcome to his life . . .
Sighing deeply, he felt drained and wasn't able to sleep for three days. Running his hand through his thick hair, he looked at the others seeing them look at him. "I'm sorry guys, it's just . . . I have a lot on my mind right now. I'm listening . . . not completely." He admits it as Hiro nodded and continued with the conversation. Listening, he tried to focus, but his mind end up drifting again.
Nodding, he continued looking at everyone. "Well guys, it seems that we have a gig this week at the new club 'Astro'. K was able to persuade the owner to let us play and we got it. Also, since Ryuichi is back, Nittle Grasper is also performing there, but they're going to be the opening. So, the gig isn't till Saturday and we need to figure out some songs to play. Any suggestion?"
Everyone thought silently as Shuichi let out an annoying sigh. He really didn't feel like being here, he had much better things to do. Leaning back in the chair, he stared up at the ceiling, wondering what they should play. Fujisaki nibbled on his pen as he stared at K who was polishing his gun. Groaning, no one seems to have any idea what to do and it was bugging the hell out of him. Turning to Raiden, he nudged him snapping him back to reality as he looked around. Hearing the question, he decided to say something.
"Um . . . how about we just do some of the old Bad Luck songs. Bring the old and new together?" he suggested as everyone looked at him with wide eyes, making him looked around in confusion. What did he say, Hiro wanted a suggestion and he gave it to them. What did he do now?
Shuichi looked at Raiden, a twisted smirk appeared on his lips as he came back down with his chair. Leaning on the table, he wanted to make his life a living nightmare after that conversation between them. "You really must be stupid or something. Did you just hear what you said?"
Feeling out numbered, he turned away from Shuichi's penetrating gaze. Uncomfortable, he really didn't know what to say. Jumbled, he spoke trying to explain his reasons. "I mean . . . um combine them. Like with Shindou-san's new songs for the album, we can combine them like a techno thing. Old and new together to give the crowd a little excitement to see the old Bad Luck is still there." He mumbled the rest, groaning lowly to himself. God, it's been hell for him being the new guy, he should have just been quiet and dazed.
Hiro looked at Raiden as he smiled faintly. It was actually a good idea, he thought it would work. "That's a great idea, we can do that. And since we got a drummer, it would be interesting to see the drumming chord for our old songs. Do you think you can do it?"
Smiling, he felt relieved as he nodded. Shuichi grumbled as he turned and glared at Hiro. "I can do it, it's not really hard. Just give me the songs you want me to work on and I'll do them this week."
"All right, that sounds like a plan. Shuichi, what do you think?"
Shuichi shrugged his shoulders, once again putting up his barrier. "I really don't care what we do. I'll sing the old songs and the new ones. It truly doesn't matter to me."
"Anything doesn't matter to you anymore, Shuichi. God, you're starting to bug the shit out of me. You need to get out of this phase you're having and face the facts. Yuki has moved on, why can't you?" Fujisaki slammed his hands on the table, pushing back in his chair. Everyone was shocked to see him actually snap like that, he's normal the cool one.
Not getting angry, he just glared at Fujisaki. Once again he doesn't understand what's going on. "If you don't like the way I am, then quit the band. What's stopping you since I'm bugging you? Quit the band, I don't need you cause I can play the keyboard myself." Was all he said, as Fujisaki gasped.
"Shuichi, you don't mean that. C'mon, we're all worried about you. You're not the same since Yuki left and now you're acting so cold and distant from us. We care, please tell us what's wrong?"
Closing his eyes, he crossed his arms against his chest. It was none of their business, he didn't ask for them to care. "Look, I don't need anyone meddling in my business all right. When I need someone to "care" then maybe I'll ask. Right now, there's nothing in the world means anything to me. So stop trying to get the old Shuichi back and just live with this one. This is the real me and if you can't accept it, then you're not my real friends."
"Shuichi, this isn't the real you! You know it, we all know it. The only reason you became like this was because of Yuki. You can't hide your emotions, we know you still love him." K stated as he placed his gun within his holster and looked at the singer.
Growling, he couldn't take it anymore. Everyone telling him this and that. Standing up, he didn't want to stay in here any longer or god know what he might do. "Emotions? What emotions? I haven't felt anything but pain and regret for the last five years! You think I've been the same before this happened, I haven't! You don't know what's been going on, so don't tell me this isn't the real me! I rather be this cold-hearted bastard than the fragile fuck I was when I was younger. I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of begging for forgiveness. I'm just tired of every fucking thing!" he shouted at them, feeling nothing but anger now. Turning away, he needed to get out.
Hiro felt his heart being tugged as he looked at Shuichi. What happened to him to make him this way? He wondered as he watched him walk away from the table and headed toward the door. Calling him, he wanted to know what happened. "Shuichi, wait please don't leave. Tell us what happened to you."
Stopping short, his hand touched the knob as he turned it. Closing his eyes, he felt those forbidden tears flow to the surface, ready to betray him once more. "What is there to tell, what's done is done. He used me and abused me and I let him. I don't want to talk about it anymore. Bye." Opening the door, he walked out and slammed it behind him making everyone wince.
Raiden looked at the door, wondering if he should go talk to him and make sure he was all right. Turning to Hiro, he saw his concern face as he faintly smiled. He knows how it feels to never forget all the pain you've went through. He still feels it today. "He does make a point; certain things make you the way you are. Years of enduring so much that you tend to realize how unhappy you are. Give him time, he'll come around and speak about his past. Eventually, he'll need someone to understand, but right now none of you do."
"How do you know what he's feeling? You really don't know what behind his life, you probably don't understand all the trials he had to go through just to get Yuki to accept him." Hiro softly replied as Raiden inhaled deeply. Just staring into blue eyes, he felt that he probably knew more than he did.
Folding his arms into his lap, he just continued to smile. "Even though I don't know him physical, but I know how he feels. In many ways, we are alike. We share the same pain, but in two different ways. Trust me, he'll come around because I did. Even in death, love still goes on . . ."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Shuichi stared at the city below as he took a long drag of his cigarette. Blowing out the anguish smoke, he watched the clouds of gray dance in front of him. He felt like shit and all he wanted to do was go home and sit in the dark, alone. He hated being this way, he knew he couldn't return back to the same loving kid he was. Yuki destroyed that person, leaving him with this one. As the cigarette rest between his lips, he leaned forward on the rail. This was his second place of freedom, the roof. No one would know where to look for him, he was at peace with himself. This was absolute peace and he enjoyed it. Gazing at the sky, he watched as the mixture of twilight formed. The sky changed from orange to pink to lavender and blue. The sun was setting behind the mountains, disappearing from the world for another day. He wishes he could do that, just like he sun. Disappear, but never return. To find a place where he could be alone, no one to know him or no one to possible hurt him. To leave reality for once again and go to a place of freedom. Of course, he knew there was no such place, even if death was an option. Wherever he would go, he would still be miserable.
"Damn him," he mumbled, taking another drag. Glaring at the setting sun, he felt so angry. "I did everything he wanted me to do. I've devoted all my time and love just to give him what he wanted. Then in the end, you use me and cause me to be the way I am. Why? What did I do to you? Was it because of your past that I wasn't Kitazawa? Or was it something more, something you didn't want to feel." He whispered the last part, feeling tears roll down his cheek. Bring his hand, he brushed away the tears, he didn’t want to feel them anymore. Closing his eyes, he hated feeling this way, so unsure.
The roof door opened as Raiden looked around, wondering where Shuichi was. The others said they were going home, but he couldn't leave because he wondered where Shuichi was. He saw his car still in the garage, which meant he was still here. Stopping, he spotted a small silhouette leaning against the rail, knowing it was Shuichi. Heading toward him, he wondered if he's all right. Shuichi mind was so preoccupied that he didn't even know that Raiden came to the side of him. Faintly smiling, he stared out as he watched the sky turn to dark. Leaning against the rail, he inhaled deeply and spoke.
"You know, everyone's just worried about you. They just want to help you and understand all the pain you went through. That's what friends are suppose to do, help understand the conflicts of your life." He replied, causing Shuichi to jolt in shock and look at him. From the corner, he could see wide eyes looking at him, making him chuckle. "Sorry, didn't mean to scare you. I thought you were spaced out."
Shuichi felt his heart finally slow down as he threw his cigarette over the edge. When the hell did he get there and how did he know to look on the roof. "Holy hell, you scared the shit out of me. What are you still doing here, Toshiba?" he asked as Raiden looked at him, his lips widen more.
"I told the others that I was going to look for you. They're worried about you, Shindou-san. Maybe you should talk to them, they are your friends. I know it's none of my business to interfere with what I don't know, but I understand." Was all he said, returning back to the sky. Watching the form of the birds fly away, he nodded.
Silent, he didn't know what to say, especially to someone he doesn’t even know. In a way, he kind of hated him. The way he is made him sick. He's just like him, all cheery and happy. He smiled all the time and often cried. Even though he's been here a week, everyone seems to enjoy him, even K who kept questioning him about his friend and Hiro got angry. He just didn't understand, this guy can always be happy, but he bet there's so many problems he's dealing with. Just today, he had that distress look on his face, but he still manages to cover it up with a smile. It just irked him, but he couldn't completely hate him. Even thought his cheerful persona pissed him off, he was a good drummer. He mistook that from the minute he walked through the door. Shuichi sighed deeply, he had no choice but to except him, regardless how much he hated to.
"How can you understand what you don't know? I mean, you don't know me and you seem like the naive type. But I would like to know something, how could you read my emotions the other day. Are you psychic or something?"
"Not really, it's just a gift I have. I don't tell many people about it and I don't use it much because then every ones going to be like 'oh my god, a freak'. I already had enough of that in grade school." He bluntly replied, laughing behind it.
Wondering how he can be so carefree and at the same time, he seems hurt. "How can you do it?"
Stop laughing, he looked at Shuichi, perplexed by his question. "Do what?"
"How can you laugh at certain things? I mean, I can tell behind all that cheerful demeanor you're hurting also. I may not have your gift, but you are also easy to read."
Raiden's smile falters as he nodded. So he could also see behind his incognito. Turning away, he leaned forward, resting his chin on his arm. "I guess this is how I am. Behind this cheerful smile is someone who still can't get over the past. It's hard to forget, to be able to erase the pain you felt for so long, knowing that every day it could go away. For me, I can't really sleep without my past haunting my dreams. But of course, it's not about me, this is about you. I'm not going to ramble on with my problems, I can fix them myself."
Listening to him, he was amazed how he could easily just speak about his problems without being afraid. Wondering if he could trust him, right now all he wanted to do is get to know him. "What happened to you, why are you the way you are?"
"Well, because I lost someone I love the most. Still, I blame myself knowing there was more I could have done."
"Oh . . . did he leave you for someone else?"
"No . . . he died three years ago. He had cancer, leukemia. I loved him regardless of his illness, but he kept telling me to find someone else. I guess, being with him gave him stress, but I just couldn't leave him. In a way, my love for him made him better for a while, he was supposed to die way before he met me. But I guess, my love wasn't enough to save him and in the end, he died. I know I will also love him, but I would have to move on eventually."
"How can you be so sure that you are ready to move on?"
Closing his eyes, he just smiled again. "When you are able to stare the person in the eyes and say . . . goodbye, my love."
TBC
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Author's Note: Wow, that was great. Shuichi and Raiden actually having a conversation. Hmm . . . Raiden is some character, I might say. At first, I didn't know how to make him, but I just decided to let my brain do all the thinking. So what do you think, hate it or love it? Send me your opinion. Review!
Next Chapter: Whisper
His angelic voice . . .
As it flows into the air . . .
My soul finally becomes free from its bounds . . .
Author's Note: Nothing much to really say, just enjoy this chapter. It's going to be good . . . trust me, it is.
"Even in death our love still goes on . . ."
Raiden Toshiba, Drummer
Chapter Four: Reminiscing
"Are you all right? What did the doctor say?"
Green eyes looked at him, sighed sadly not knowing how to tell him. "He said that I have to keep taking my medication and it should help keep me stable. Don't worry so much, nothing's going to happen, I promise." He replied, placing a gentle kiss on top of his head and walked away.
Standing there, he wondered what's wrong and why was he being so distant. "Kei . . . what's wrong? Why are you avoiding the question?"
Stopping, Kei turned and looked at him with a blank expression on his face. He couldn't tell him, as much as he wanted to, he couldn't bring himself to watch tears fall from his beautiful eyes. "There's nothing to tell, Raiden. I just have to keep taking my medicine and everything going to be fine. C'mon, we're going to be late for your gig." He changed the subject, and continued walking. Raiden knew he wasn't telling him something, and he could see it in his eyes. Running to catch up with him, he went ahead of him and stopped causing him to stop one more time. Looking at his lover, he saw the worry look on his face. "Rai, I told you nothing's wrong, the doctor said so himself. I'm healthy as an ox and strong as a bull."
Shaking his head, he knew he was lying. Feeling tears mist within his eyes, he looked down knowing that if he continued to look at him, it would just make him cry. "Kei . . . you're not doing all right, I was listening. He said you don't have much time left to live . . . you're going to die."
"Raiden, I'm not going to die, I promised you that I'm going to get better. I am every time I do chemo. Please, look at me and believe that I'm not going to die."
Raising his head, tears rolled down his cheek, dripping onto the floor. Staring straight into his eyes, he saw some gleam of hope, but the rest was unsure. "At least tell me how long you have left?"
"He told me that I have at least seven months left, five the least. There's nothing that really can be done; the cancer came back."
"Raiden, are you listening?" Hiro stopped talking to see Raiden staring blankly at the wall, not even paying attention. Sighing, he’s been like this for a week now since he joined with them, something must be wrong.
Hearing his name, Raiden snapped out of his phase as he looked toward Hiro, with apologetic eyes. Smiling faintly, he didn't feel like himself. Memories that he thought were gone suddenly start returning once he joined Bad Luck. He hated having the feeling of knowing that he might not be normal. His doctor told him it was best to let things go and move on, but he couldn't. As much as he tried, he couldn't forget all the pain and suffering he went through. He couldn't forget his decease lover who went through more pain than he did before he passed. It wasn't too long ago, about three years ago and this is how he end up recovering. Writing poetry was his way of ending what he hate feeling, even though he knew the feeling will never disappear. Sora told him that it takes time to forget, but how long would it take for him to move on with life. Deep in his head, he would always love Kei, he was his first and probably his last. He tried relationships, it didn't work. He ends up crying or becoming angry and lashing out. He was even emitted to a mental asylum by Sora for attempt suicide and self mutilation. All that trouble, all that heartache for what, forbidden memories he tried to push away. Welcome to his life . . .
Sighing deeply, he felt drained and wasn't able to sleep for three days. Running his hand through his thick hair, he looked at the others seeing them look at him. "I'm sorry guys, it's just . . . I have a lot on my mind right now. I'm listening . . . not completely." He admits it as Hiro nodded and continued with the conversation. Listening, he tried to focus, but his mind end up drifting again.
Nodding, he continued looking at everyone. "Well guys, it seems that we have a gig this week at the new club 'Astro'. K was able to persuade the owner to let us play and we got it. Also, since Ryuichi is back, Nittle Grasper is also performing there, but they're going to be the opening. So, the gig isn't till Saturday and we need to figure out some songs to play. Any suggestion?"
Everyone thought silently as Shuichi let out an annoying sigh. He really didn't feel like being here, he had much better things to do. Leaning back in the chair, he stared up at the ceiling, wondering what they should play. Fujisaki nibbled on his pen as he stared at K who was polishing his gun. Groaning, no one seems to have any idea what to do and it was bugging the hell out of him. Turning to Raiden, he nudged him snapping him back to reality as he looked around. Hearing the question, he decided to say something.
"Um . . . how about we just do some of the old Bad Luck songs. Bring the old and new together?" he suggested as everyone looked at him with wide eyes, making him looked around in confusion. What did he say, Hiro wanted a suggestion and he gave it to them. What did he do now?
Shuichi looked at Raiden, a twisted smirk appeared on his lips as he came back down with his chair. Leaning on the table, he wanted to make his life a living nightmare after that conversation between them. "You really must be stupid or something. Did you just hear what you said?"
Feeling out numbered, he turned away from Shuichi's penetrating gaze. Uncomfortable, he really didn't know what to say. Jumbled, he spoke trying to explain his reasons. "I mean . . . um combine them. Like with Shindou-san's new songs for the album, we can combine them like a techno thing. Old and new together to give the crowd a little excitement to see the old Bad Luck is still there." He mumbled the rest, groaning lowly to himself. God, it's been hell for him being the new guy, he should have just been quiet and dazed.
Hiro looked at Raiden as he smiled faintly. It was actually a good idea, he thought it would work. "That's a great idea, we can do that. And since we got a drummer, it would be interesting to see the drumming chord for our old songs. Do you think you can do it?"
Smiling, he felt relieved as he nodded. Shuichi grumbled as he turned and glared at Hiro. "I can do it, it's not really hard. Just give me the songs you want me to work on and I'll do them this week."
"All right, that sounds like a plan. Shuichi, what do you think?"
Shuichi shrugged his shoulders, once again putting up his barrier. "I really don't care what we do. I'll sing the old songs and the new ones. It truly doesn't matter to me."
"Anything doesn't matter to you anymore, Shuichi. God, you're starting to bug the shit out of me. You need to get out of this phase you're having and face the facts. Yuki has moved on, why can't you?" Fujisaki slammed his hands on the table, pushing back in his chair. Everyone was shocked to see him actually snap like that, he's normal the cool one.
Not getting angry, he just glared at Fujisaki. Once again he doesn't understand what's going on. "If you don't like the way I am, then quit the band. What's stopping you since I'm bugging you? Quit the band, I don't need you cause I can play the keyboard myself." Was all he said, as Fujisaki gasped.
"Shuichi, you don't mean that. C'mon, we're all worried about you. You're not the same since Yuki left and now you're acting so cold and distant from us. We care, please tell us what's wrong?"
Closing his eyes, he crossed his arms against his chest. It was none of their business, he didn't ask for them to care. "Look, I don't need anyone meddling in my business all right. When I need someone to "care" then maybe I'll ask. Right now, there's nothing in the world means anything to me. So stop trying to get the old Shuichi back and just live with this one. This is the real me and if you can't accept it, then you're not my real friends."
"Shuichi, this isn't the real you! You know it, we all know it. The only reason you became like this was because of Yuki. You can't hide your emotions, we know you still love him." K stated as he placed his gun within his holster and looked at the singer.
Growling, he couldn't take it anymore. Everyone telling him this and that. Standing up, he didn't want to stay in here any longer or god know what he might do. "Emotions? What emotions? I haven't felt anything but pain and regret for the last five years! You think I've been the same before this happened, I haven't! You don't know what's been going on, so don't tell me this isn't the real me! I rather be this cold-hearted bastard than the fragile fuck I was when I was younger. I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of begging for forgiveness. I'm just tired of every fucking thing!" he shouted at them, feeling nothing but anger now. Turning away, he needed to get out.
Hiro felt his heart being tugged as he looked at Shuichi. What happened to him to make him this way? He wondered as he watched him walk away from the table and headed toward the door. Calling him, he wanted to know what happened. "Shuichi, wait please don't leave. Tell us what happened to you."
Stopping short, his hand touched the knob as he turned it. Closing his eyes, he felt those forbidden tears flow to the surface, ready to betray him once more. "What is there to tell, what's done is done. He used me and abused me and I let him. I don't want to talk about it anymore. Bye." Opening the door, he walked out and slammed it behind him making everyone wince.
Raiden looked at the door, wondering if he should go talk to him and make sure he was all right. Turning to Hiro, he saw his concern face as he faintly smiled. He knows how it feels to never forget all the pain you've went through. He still feels it today. "He does make a point; certain things make you the way you are. Years of enduring so much that you tend to realize how unhappy you are. Give him time, he'll come around and speak about his past. Eventually, he'll need someone to understand, but right now none of you do."
"How do you know what he's feeling? You really don't know what behind his life, you probably don't understand all the trials he had to go through just to get Yuki to accept him." Hiro softly replied as Raiden inhaled deeply. Just staring into blue eyes, he felt that he probably knew more than he did.
Folding his arms into his lap, he just continued to smile. "Even though I don't know him physical, but I know how he feels. In many ways, we are alike. We share the same pain, but in two different ways. Trust me, he'll come around because I did. Even in death, love still goes on . . ."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Shuichi stared at the city below as he took a long drag of his cigarette. Blowing out the anguish smoke, he watched the clouds of gray dance in front of him. He felt like shit and all he wanted to do was go home and sit in the dark, alone. He hated being this way, he knew he couldn't return back to the same loving kid he was. Yuki destroyed that person, leaving him with this one. As the cigarette rest between his lips, he leaned forward on the rail. This was his second place of freedom, the roof. No one would know where to look for him, he was at peace with himself. This was absolute peace and he enjoyed it. Gazing at the sky, he watched as the mixture of twilight formed. The sky changed from orange to pink to lavender and blue. The sun was setting behind the mountains, disappearing from the world for another day. He wishes he could do that, just like he sun. Disappear, but never return. To find a place where he could be alone, no one to know him or no one to possible hurt him. To leave reality for once again and go to a place of freedom. Of course, he knew there was no such place, even if death was an option. Wherever he would go, he would still be miserable.
"Damn him," he mumbled, taking another drag. Glaring at the setting sun, he felt so angry. "I did everything he wanted me to do. I've devoted all my time and love just to give him what he wanted. Then in the end, you use me and cause me to be the way I am. Why? What did I do to you? Was it because of your past that I wasn't Kitazawa? Or was it something more, something you didn't want to feel." He whispered the last part, feeling tears roll down his cheek. Bring his hand, he brushed away the tears, he didn’t want to feel them anymore. Closing his eyes, he hated feeling this way, so unsure.
The roof door opened as Raiden looked around, wondering where Shuichi was. The others said they were going home, but he couldn't leave because he wondered where Shuichi was. He saw his car still in the garage, which meant he was still here. Stopping, he spotted a small silhouette leaning against the rail, knowing it was Shuichi. Heading toward him, he wondered if he's all right. Shuichi mind was so preoccupied that he didn't even know that Raiden came to the side of him. Faintly smiling, he stared out as he watched the sky turn to dark. Leaning against the rail, he inhaled deeply and spoke.
"You know, everyone's just worried about you. They just want to help you and understand all the pain you went through. That's what friends are suppose to do, help understand the conflicts of your life." He replied, causing Shuichi to jolt in shock and look at him. From the corner, he could see wide eyes looking at him, making him chuckle. "Sorry, didn't mean to scare you. I thought you were spaced out."
Shuichi felt his heart finally slow down as he threw his cigarette over the edge. When the hell did he get there and how did he know to look on the roof. "Holy hell, you scared the shit out of me. What are you still doing here, Toshiba?" he asked as Raiden looked at him, his lips widen more.
"I told the others that I was going to look for you. They're worried about you, Shindou-san. Maybe you should talk to them, they are your friends. I know it's none of my business to interfere with what I don't know, but I understand." Was all he said, returning back to the sky. Watching the form of the birds fly away, he nodded.
Silent, he didn't know what to say, especially to someone he doesn’t even know. In a way, he kind of hated him. The way he is made him sick. He's just like him, all cheery and happy. He smiled all the time and often cried. Even though he's been here a week, everyone seems to enjoy him, even K who kept questioning him about his friend and Hiro got angry. He just didn't understand, this guy can always be happy, but he bet there's so many problems he's dealing with. Just today, he had that distress look on his face, but he still manages to cover it up with a smile. It just irked him, but he couldn't completely hate him. Even thought his cheerful persona pissed him off, he was a good drummer. He mistook that from the minute he walked through the door. Shuichi sighed deeply, he had no choice but to except him, regardless how much he hated to.
"How can you understand what you don't know? I mean, you don't know me and you seem like the naive type. But I would like to know something, how could you read my emotions the other day. Are you psychic or something?"
"Not really, it's just a gift I have. I don't tell many people about it and I don't use it much because then every ones going to be like 'oh my god, a freak'. I already had enough of that in grade school." He bluntly replied, laughing behind it.
Wondering how he can be so carefree and at the same time, he seems hurt. "How can you do it?"
Stop laughing, he looked at Shuichi, perplexed by his question. "Do what?"
"How can you laugh at certain things? I mean, I can tell behind all that cheerful demeanor you're hurting also. I may not have your gift, but you are also easy to read."
Raiden's smile falters as he nodded. So he could also see behind his incognito. Turning away, he leaned forward, resting his chin on his arm. "I guess this is how I am. Behind this cheerful smile is someone who still can't get over the past. It's hard to forget, to be able to erase the pain you felt for so long, knowing that every day it could go away. For me, I can't really sleep without my past haunting my dreams. But of course, it's not about me, this is about you. I'm not going to ramble on with my problems, I can fix them myself."
Listening to him, he was amazed how he could easily just speak about his problems without being afraid. Wondering if he could trust him, right now all he wanted to do is get to know him. "What happened to you, why are you the way you are?"
"Well, because I lost someone I love the most. Still, I blame myself knowing there was more I could have done."
"Oh . . . did he leave you for someone else?"
"No . . . he died three years ago. He had cancer, leukemia. I loved him regardless of his illness, but he kept telling me to find someone else. I guess, being with him gave him stress, but I just couldn't leave him. In a way, my love for him made him better for a while, he was supposed to die way before he met me. But I guess, my love wasn't enough to save him and in the end, he died. I know I will also love him, but I would have to move on eventually."
"How can you be so sure that you are ready to move on?"
Closing his eyes, he just smiled again. "When you are able to stare the person in the eyes and say . . . goodbye, my love."
TBC
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Author's Note: Wow, that was great. Shuichi and Raiden actually having a conversation. Hmm . . . Raiden is some character, I might say. At first, I didn't know how to make him, but I just decided to let my brain do all the thinking. So what do you think, hate it or love it? Send me your opinion. Review!
Next Chapter: Whisper
His angelic voice . . .
As it flows into the air . . .
My soul finally becomes free from its bounds . . .