Gravitation Fan Fiction ❯ Gomen ne ❯ The Letter ( Prologue )

Disclaimer: As I am not Maki Murakami-sama, I do not own Gravitation or its characters. No money was made from this.

 

A/N: This story is also posted on Fanfiction.net under one of my pennames AnimeAnarchist. This is a Yuki leaving Shuichi fic (Please pardon how I spell Shu's name in the fic -Shuuichi- with two u's, I already have up to chapter 17 typed out and I don't feel like changing it.)

 

 

Gomen ne:

 

Chapter one:

 

Yuki's POV:

 

I cannot love you like you wish to be loved—I'm not that kind of person—I see you with your open heart and cringe secretly out of guilt that I can't love you like that.

 

Every time I see your eyes sparkle I can't know how to handle it so I push you down and belittle you.

 

I can't stand seeing you hurt but I can't be with you either—one of these things I must fail at or I'll miserably fail at both. Gomen ne.

 

I don't know what to do—should I stay or leave? Should I tell you it's over or should I stick through to the end or until you tire of being kicked around?

 

What is love exactly? I don't have any idea what it is—not since Kitazawa have I felt anything. Since I became a murderer—betraying myself in the process. I can't help but think about what could've been if only Kitazawa hadn't betrayed me—if he hadn't been there that day. Would I be the same man I am now? Would I know what love is?

 

Would I ever have met you? Probably not—yet I still wish that things had worked out differently that day. Even at the cost of losing you, I'd give anything to have Kitazawa back in my life.

 

Gomen ne.

 

I know that would hurt you if you knew—yet somehow I think you already know. I'd give up even heaven to be with Kitazawa again, to erase the pain he caused—if only he hadn't been there that day, if only he hadn't tried to sell me to those men. If even one thing was different, I think I may not have killed him.

 

What makes me feel guiltier about killing him is I knew he was drunk that day—I knew he wasn't sober, yet the anger over his betrayal caused me to grab the gun from the one man and shoot him. I didn't want to—I only wanted to end the hurt in my heart—but I ended up killing Kitazawa.

 

Shuuichi, I know I can never love you, can never feel that elated emotion within my withered heart. Yet you cling to me hoping each day to unlock my caged, broken heart—to unshackle love's wings so that it can envelop us within its embrace. But I know your dream is futile—and I know you know it too. Yet you keep on hoping, it's impossible, yet you hope.

 

I hate you for that. That ability to hope so much even with futility hovering over your head—I hate you for the hope keeping you by my side, beautifully on a tether. I hate you so much. Gomen ne.

 

I want to love you, but I can't—I gave my heart years ago to Kitazawa, and broke it—tore it in two…no….he tore it into a million tiny pieces, leaving an impossible puzzle to put back together. Yet you're trying—and succeeding. Already I feel more for you now than I did, through the years you have mended my heart, collecting up the pieces and putting them in their proper order.

 

Yes, you're succeeding in mending my heart, yet I know I still won't be able to love you—the only one I love is Kitazawa, so even if you make my heart whole again, it will only be to renew my love for a ghost.

 

Gomen ne, gomen ne.

 

Shuuichi, I must leave you now. I must escape from you before that happens—better for you to fail at fixing my heart than for you to succeed and renew my love for a rival. A dead rival whom you can't compete with. I don't think I ever want to give up my love for Kitazawa, even at the cost of losing you. So I'm leaving you, don't try to find me, don't give up your life searching for me. I don't deserve you, and you deserve better than to be stuck with me.

 

You deserve to be with someone who can love you.

 

Gomen ne.

 

Yuki.

 

Shuuichi read the letter left on his pillow, alone in the rich yet dreary apartment. After coming home from work at the studio, he had entered the apartment expecting to hear Yuki working in the study like always. Yet when he entered he heard nothing but silence—no tapping of the keyboard keys, no sound of the TV, or shower going. Nothing.

 

Finally, after searching the entire apartment his eyes fell to the letter left on his pillow. Heart pounding he had opened it, now regretting doing so.

 

Yuki had left him; had left him like countless times before, only this time he left a note explaining why. Somehow that made this time more serious than the others—reading Yuki's words, hearing the hurt within them, Shuuichi knew the futility of bringing his lover back.

 

Yuki would never love him. Would never be able to forget Kitazawa and love him—

 

“Yuki….” Silent tears fell down Shuuichi's cheeks as he clung to the letter, dropping to his knees on the floor. “Yuki….”

 

A/N: End chapter, please review.