Gravitation Fan Fiction ❯ In Love and Hate ❯ Love Cuts Deep ( Chapter 2 )

Arigato, everyone who reviewed Just the Beginning. Sad, yes? Oh, well, I told you that Shuichi wasn't going to be a happy person in this fic. Cutting is only one of the topics I'll be talking about, and if you want an idea of another big one, just read the beginning of this chapter. Thank you so much to my Shirley-chan for proof-reading and helping me edit all of my stuff. I love ya like you're my sister and your help is way more than appreciated.

Well, I guess I don't have much else to say except that I hope that none of the things in this are triggering. If they are, don't do it!! Here's Crimson Tears.

 

Disclaimer: Gravitation's not mine. Never has been, never will be. Would you seriously get joy out of watching a Gravi spin-off like this?

 

Love Cuts Deep

 

Cigarette butts and empty beer cans littered the table before him as a raven-haired man finally gave into the darkness around him and collapsed on the couch. It had been one long ass night, but he still had four hours before he had to arrive at the studio. If he was lucky, his hangover would subside just enough by then so he wouldn't slur during his interview. That just wouldn't be acceptable, and Hiro would most likely kill him if he arrived to work drunk again anyway.

 

One hour went by, then two, and he didn't wake up. Finally, he woke up with one hour to spare and nearly fainted again at the time.

 

“Fuck,” he mumbled under his breath and ran back to his room to get some clothes before going to the bathroom.

 

The mess from the night before was still scattered out on the floor and sink, but he didn't have time to clean it up now. Instead, he picked up a piece of that broken glass and drew it across his forearm in punishment. After the deed was done, he started the warm water and undressed before jumping in to take a quick five minute shower.

 

Half an hour later the man was speeding down the highway on his way to meet Hiro and the others at the television studio. He had missed out on breakfast, but his hangover had decreased just enough for him to talk and see clearly without the need to barf at the spinning cars.

 

He arrived at the studio with just seconds to spare and was greeted by a semi-comatose Sakano and very pissed Hiro.

 

“Where in the hell have you been, man? The show starts in thirty seconds!” the auburn-haired man yelled and dragged his friend into the studio by the arm.

 

Shuichi winced slightly as Hiro's hand came down on top of one of his hidden cuts but he covered it up before his friend could notice it. He wasn't ready to put that stress on Hiro again. Not yet, not ever.

 

“Sorry, Hiro. I didn't get to sleep until late last night so I woke up a little late, too. Besides, it's not like we're the first people they're gonna interview.”

 

“Yeah, true. That American author dude's before us, so we do have a little bit of time.”

 

“American author dude?”

 

“Yeah, Erik Ullman. You know, the guy you picked up at the airport last night?”

 

“Ah, him,” Shuichi muttered.

 

Hiro let go of his friend's arm and looked at the wreck standing next to him. “What's up?”

 

“Nothing, why?”

 

“You got wasted last night, and don't tell me that you didn't because I know that you did. Did something happen with that Erik guy or something?”

 

“Nothing's wrong, Hiro.”

 

“Don't lie to me, Shu,” Hiro said and grabbed his friend again. This time, however, he saw the wince. “Take off your jacket.”

 

Shuichi gaped at his friend, disbelief spread across his features. “N-nani?”

 

“Take your fucking jacket off, Shuichi.”

 

“Hell no.”

 

“Shuichi, you winced and I know that you didn't do anything to your arm at practice yesterday. Now, please, take your jacket off.”

 

“Shu-chan! Hey, man. Glad to see you're finally here,” a voice from ahead of them shouted.

 

Shuichi, grateful for the welcome distraction, looked up at Bad Luck's newest band mate. Well, new as in two-years new. After going on their first American tour, Shuichi was introduced to American rock music for the first time. He immediately fell in love with the drums and how much cleaner and smoother their beat sounded when compared to that of the synthesizer, and wanted to introduce a drummer to their band as well. Backstage at one of their last concerts, he met Ben Miller; a genius at the drums who just happened to be open. Shuichi offered the man a job, and the man agreed. He didn't even seem to mind that the band originated out of Japan and that he would have to live there himself.

 

“Always wanted to go, just never had a reason,” he had said and joined Bad Luck in his first get together two weeks later.

 

In two years time Shuichi's friendship with Ben became one of his most treasured, and Ben had even managed to convince Shuichi to start playing the guitar in the band along with Hiro. And then along came the Shuichi that the raven-haired man was now.

 

“Hey, Ben. Yeah, sorry I'm late. I slept in,” he apologized, pulling his arm out of Hiro's tight grasp, and walked toward the American.

 

Hiro threw Shuichi a concerned glance and sighed heavily before disappearing into the room where Ben had left, leaving the other two friends to talk.

 

“You'll never guess who showed up to wish you good luck,” Ben said and pulled Shuichi into the room after Hiro, a smirk spread playfully across his face.

 

“Do I really wanna know?”

 

“Yeah, he came here just for you, ya know.”

 

Shuichi's eyes narrowed in wonder at who would show up for him when he never asked anyone to. It didn't take long for him to find out who it was, though, because the instant he entered the room he was greeted by a smiling Tatsuha.

 

“Hey, Shuichi!” Tatsuha exclaimed.

 

“'Ey Tatsuha,” Shuichi said and smiled slightly as the man threw a long arm across his shoulders. “What are you doing here?”

 

“Just thought I'd surprise you, besides, I had to give your truck back somehow.”

 

“Last I checked I couldn't drive two cars at the same time, Tat,” Shuichi said with a small smile, already knowing what Tatsuha was going to say next.

 

“That just gives me another reason to go to your house when you get done,” Tatsuha whispered and gave his boyfriend a small kiss on the cheek.

 

Shuichi laughed and kissed Tatsuha fully on the lips to shut him up, remembering how nice the man had been after Yuki left him. Shuichi had been a wreck after Yuki left and probably would have committed suicide if the raven-haired man hadn't of been there to help him through. Yeah, of course he did have Hiro, but the man had always hated Yuki so mostly told him how he was better off without him and shit like that. Tatsuha, on the other hand, understood how he felt. At the time he had been in love with Ryuichi but he, like Yuki, had suffered a betrayal in his past. But he, unlike Yuki, didn't kill the person; he just moved on and tried his best to forget about them. He had told Shuichi to do the same thing, told him that Yuki wasn't going to come back and that there were better people out there for him.

 

Then Shuichi had fallen for Tatsuha. He had been even more than surprised when he found out that Tatsuha returned those feelings and had done everything but pass out at the news. At first, Shuichi had been afraid of hurting Tatsuha, was afraid that he had just latched onto him as a replacement for Yuki, but soon realized that that wasn't the case. Tatsuha treated him better than Yuki ever had, and, now, Tatsuha had let his feelings for Ryuichi go and he and Shuichi had been together for almost three months.

 

“We're on in five minutes, Shuichi,” Hiro said, rudely pulling Shuichi from his thoughts, and walked out of the room.

The rest of the band and Tatsuha, arm still draped across Shuichi's shoulders, followed closely behind the auburn-haired man to the stage where they were to perform first and be interviewed later.

 

“Hey, guys,” Shuichi said as they got into their positions.

 

“Hm?” they all mumbled lamely in unison.

 

“You know that song I came up with last week and wanna put on the album, but-“

 

“Don't have any lyrics to?” Suguru interrupted.

 

“Yeah, that one. I know that we were gonna do `Heart-Shaped Box,' but-“

 

“You finally wrote the lyrics at the last minute and wanna sing it?” Suguru again interrupted.

 

“Hai. Now would you stop doing that? You know how much it annoys me!” he said and scowled when he saw Suguru smirk.

 

“Yes, boss.”

 

“Can we do it? Please, guys, come on. I know that it's not our first single and none of you have heard the lyrics yet, but I really wanna do it.”

 

“Sure.” Ben.

 

“Whatever.” Hiro.

 

“It better be good.” Suguru.

 

“Thanks,” Shuichi whispered as the camera crew rushed a waving Tatsuha off the stage and started the count down.

 

“And here's Bad Luck with their hit cover of Nirvana's `Heart-Shaped Box'!” the reporter said and all of the stage lights came on.

 

“Actually, we're gonna do a fresh new one for ya. This is called `Razor's Edge',” Shuichi said and started to sing.

 

What's the point in living
if we're all gonna die anyway?
What's the point in running
if you're always gonna find me?
I give up, give into you
I tried to hide, tried to forget
made friends with the razor's edge…

 

Off stage, Tatsuha stood open mouthed as a frantic Sakano ran up to his side.

 

“WHAT?! What does Shindou think he's doing?” Sakano panicked. Four years of working with Shuichi and he still wasn't used to the man's rebellions.

 

“A good job,” Tatsuha muttered as Sakano collapsed onto the floor.

 

For me all is lost, none found
I'm always looking but never finding
Love's a waste of time
Nothing's real, everything's a lie
I'm blind, blinded by your hate
blinded by my fearlying in my closet with the razor's edge…

 

The crowd was going crazy. They actually like the new depressing song, and it gave Shuichi all the more confidence to sing it.

 

Will we love, live, lie, or die?
I don't know, don't care about life
Does anyone know anything?
Is anyone out there?
Can't you hear me screaming?
Crying for help in my time of pain
not wanting to be reduced to the razor's edge…

 

As Shuichi drew out “edge,” Hiro began his guitar riff and the crowd went wild. Hiro always had been the fans' favorite guitarist, and the news of Shuichi's new found hobby hadn't fazed them much.

 

The rest of the band started to play again and Shuichi started to scream into the microphone.

 

There's no proof of heaven or hell
Life or death, love or hate
Why do we feel the ways that we do?
Why do we try to do the impossible?
To succeed in life would mean your downfall
Let death take you when it comes
don't take it into your hands with the razor's edge…

 

Everything went silent and Shuichi managed to choke out the final verse.

 

My last day is coming soon
I can feel it calling out to me, I hear it screaming
The innocent glint of steel terrifies me
but not more than my feelings for you
I don't want to make myself suffer any longer
Now is my time to leave you forever
the masochist, brought down by the razor's edge

 

The music came to an end and Shuichi stood in awe on the stage. He had done it; he had played the song to the approval of the crowd. He gave a small smile and wave to the crowd and disappeared backstage with the rest of the band.

 

“That was kick-ass, Shu!” Tatsuha yelled after tackling his boyfriend.

 

“Thanks,” Shuichi said with a weak smile as Tatsuha kissed him between the eyes. “Uh, where's Sakano?”

 

“He passed out again when he saw that you weren't doing the right song,” Tatsuha said and thrust a thumb over his shoulder.

 

Shuichi looked in that direction and saw his producer slumped against the wall. K was on holiday in America so Sakano had had to deal with the full force of Shuichi by himself for the past two weeks. If K had been here, however, Shuichi had a feeling that a cold gun barrel would be stuck to his temple right about now.

 

A person standing against a wall caught Shuichi's attention before they disappeared around the corner. Anger flared up inside of him at the sight of the person and then smirked slightly as an evil idea formed inside his head.

Shuichi reached up and pulled Tatsuha down to him, planting a warm kiss on his lips. He felt Tatsuha smile against his lips and began to nip softly at his bottom lip. Tatsuha, instantly taking the hint, opened his mouth and let Shuichi dive in. They both moaned quietly into the kiss and only pulled apart when because they heard Hiro cough somewhere around them.

 

“Congratulations, Shuichi,” Hiro said. “You wrote one helluva song!”

 

“Thanks,” Shuichi said and took Tatsuha's offered hand to stand up.

 

“Yeah, man, that was some deep shit,” Ben said and pounded Shuichi on the back.

“Yes, it was good but we have to an interview in two minutes,” Suguru said and walked off toward the reporter woman.

 

The rest of the band followed, leaving Tatsuha to attempt to wake Sakano up, and in two mintues they found themselves surrounded by cameras and bright lights.

 

“Good morning! I'm here with Bad Luck's Shuichi Shindou, Hiroshi Nakano, Suguru Fujisaki, and Ben Miller. So, Mr. Shindou, why the sudden change of song?” the reporter asked.

 

“Well, I've heard people complaining about radio stations overplaying songs lately, so I decided to give `em something new,” Shuichi shrugged.

 

“Oh, and what about your new album? Cover Story, isn't it? When will it be released?”

 

“In time for Christmas and the new year,” Hiro said with a smile and the reporter swooned for a second before continuing.

 

“And what can we expect from the great Bad Luck on this album? Any thing new?”

 

“We'll we've done quite a few covers of American songs, so the lyrics are in English like in our single. We've also got a few new songs and a remix of the song that got us here,” Suguru answered.

 

“The `Rage Beat'?”

 

“Yes, it's not our type of song, lately, but it sounds much better than it did four years ago now that we've added Ben into the mix,” Shuichi said. “'Razor's Edge' will be on the album as well.”

 

“Ah, so any new tours coming up that the fans should know about?”

 

“Uh, yeah, actually. We'll be going on a tour across Japan starting on February twelfth, but in January we'll be going to the States for a short tour in twenty cities and to meet up with our manager.”

 

“Oh, yes, Mister K. Why did he have to return to America so quickly?”

 

“For undisclosed reasons he has taken a holiday to see his family in America. That's all you need to know,” Shuichi said and glanced around at the others for some kind of support.

 

“Mr. K will be back in February and if he feels that the media has a right to now what he left for, he will tell you,” Ben said.

 

“Okay,” the reporter said and shook each other their hands. “Thank you to Bad Luck for taking some time out of your morning to come see us.”

 

“No problem,” they all said, seeing stars when they finally turned off the bright lights.

 

“See ya,” Shuichi said and left the room to meet with Tatsuha to check on news of Sakano.

 

-------------

 

Jealous amber eyes looked out from behind mirrored sunglasses as their owner watched his ex-lover make-out with his younger brother. He knew that Shuichi had seen him and had started to kiss Tatsuha just to piss him off, but that wasn't the problem. The problem was that he was pissed. There was nothing about Shuichi that should make him so angry, but he clearly was. Shuichi wasn't the same person that he was four years previous, but he knew that somewhere in there he was. He just had to remember.

 

Yuki sighed and walked off as Shuichi and the band went to their interview, leaving Tatsuha to nurse their touchy producer. Even the band was different. Not necessarily the people, well…unless you counted Ben, but their tone. Shuichi wasn't the lovesick, happy little teenage baka anymore. He'd grown into an angry twenty-two year old, and it was all because of him. Yuki didn't want to take the blame for the man's entire personality shift, but his mind mocked every other choice. It told him that even though Shuichi was different, he wasn't. He was still heartless bastard that he thought he had left behind four years ago.

 

He finally made it out to his car and left the building. Shuichi was probably still in his interview, which meant that he could catch about half an hour of undisturbed sleep before he got home. He hadn't slept at all the previous night. After his little “reunion” with Shuichi, he had left the building and went for a drive. No where unparticular, just to get away.

 

Yuki laughed slightly at that last thought. Always running and trying to get away, but always giving up and returning in the end. He was like one of those sad excuses for teenagers that run away from home when they get in a fight with Mom or Dad; they leave and then find out what it's like to be cold and alone on the streets. They return home to their parents within hours, all crying, and probably get grounded, but when one more thing goes awry they try again.

 

It's like a fucking never ending circle, he thought and laughed again.

 

Like the night before, and probably many more to come, Yuki slowed and pulled into the parking garage of his apartment building. He cut the engine but didn't climb out. Instead, he turned the radio up and listened to a catchy song that had been playing. All English lyrics and an almost perfect rendition of Nirvana's “Heart-Shaped Box.” Was there anything that Shuichi couldn't do?

 

Yuki answered his own question as he climbed out of the car. Yes, there is, the thought. He can't forget, either. Can't forgive.

 

A year before leaving for America, Yuki had done so many things to hurt the man that he couldn't blame him for not offering him forgiveness on a silver platter. This “something” was what he had run away from.

 

Yuki, because of pressure from work and his family, started to drink a little more than what was healthy, and he basically became an alcoholic, depended on the drinks to ease his pain. One night, while drunk, Yuki beat Shuichi, but was too drunk to remember the next morning. That's what had started it. Yuki would get drunk and then unleash his drunken wrath on the poor confused and defenseless Shuichi. Shuichi would hide the bruises under long sleeves and pants but not well enough for an unusually sober Yuki not to notice. Shuichi told Yuki everything that he had done, and then Yuki left. Probably not the best time to leave, but it was the only way that he wouldn't hurt Shuichi.

 

And then Shuichi had taken comfort in Tatsuha's arms.

 

“Gods damn you, Tatsuha. Why did you have to take the only thing that mattered to me away? You're a lucky bastard, I hope you know that,” he muttered as he glanced at the closed door down the hall and disappeared into his apartment.

 

-------------

 

Grey eyes opened slightly as the lack of their lover's head lying in their lap became apparent. They scanned the apartment for any signs of movement or life-forms, but found none. Tatsuha began to panic quietly as he got up and searched the flat for Shuichi.

 

He wasn't in the living room, or the kitchen, or the bedroom. His panic became even more frantic when he checked the bathroom. Shuichi wasn't in their either, but drops of blood and a large shard of glass were in the sink. He quickly cleaned out the sink and threw the glass into the trash can, not liking where this was going at all. At least blood wasn't trailed throughout the apartment. That was a good sign.

 

A light breeze that he hadn't noticed before played with the hair across his forehead and he turned to see that the balcony door was open. Tatsuha's breath caught in his chest and he began to shake as realization dawned in his head. Shuichi hadn't slit his wrists, but jumped.

 

He closed his eyes as he walked out onto the balcony and let out a quiet sob of relief when he saw that Shuichi was sitting on the concrete railing, feet dangling over the edge and eyes staring blankly off into the distance across the lake. Tatsuha walked up behind him slowly but stopped at the emptiness in Shuichi's voice when he spoke.

“What do you want, Tatsuha? I thought you were sleeping,” he said, eyes never leaving the horizon.

 

“I was, but then I realized that you got up and I wondered why. How long have you been out here?” he asked, placing a hand softly on Shuichi's shoulder.

 

“What'd you care? No one cares, no one notices.”

 

Tatsuha began to panic more than ever at his boyfriend's obvious loneliness and moved his hand from Shuichi's shoulder to grasp one of his hands. At least now, if he did decide to jump, he'd either take Tatsuha with him or Tatsuha would be able to pull him back up.

 

“I care because I love you. Shuichi, you're scaring me. I saw the blood in the sink and I'm afraid that you're hurting yourself again. Are you?”

 

“So what if I am? At least I'm not hurting you.”

 

“No, not physically, but mentally and emotionally you are. Why, Shu? What made you start again?”

 

“He's back. He lives across the hall and I don't want him to. I don't want him to hurt me again. I don't want him to kiss me again.” At the end, Shuichi ran his free hand across his lips to wipe them clean like a child would.

 

“Who's back?” A tear ran down Tatsuha's face as he pried for answers.

 

“Yuki.”

 

The one word stunned Tatsuha more than his lover's obvious depression, and he wrapped an arm around Shuichi to pull him close. His brother hadn't said anything to him about returning and it was too coincidental for him to just happen to be living across from Shuichi.

 

“Oh, Shu,” Tatsuha muttered and laid his head on Shuichi's shoulder.

 

“I don't want him to touch me again. He scares me. His eyes scare me.”

 

“Don't worry, Shuichi. I'll make sure that he doesn't come near you. Trust me,” Tatsuha said and squeezed his boyfriend tightly. “Now, please, come down! You're cold and you're scaring me.”

 

“Everyone would be better off I was gone, you know? Whenever he comes into my life I always end up fucking everything up, and I don't wanna do that. Now, onegai, Tatsuha, please let me go.”

 

“NO!” Tatsuha screamed and hugged Shuichi tighter. “I won't!”

 

Shuichi sighed and moved his head so he could focus his empty eyes onto Tatsuha. “Why not? I don't want this anymore.”

 

“Wh-what? What don't you want?”

 

“This life, this fear, this coldness. Everything.”

 

Tatsuha sobbed and somehow managed to lift Shuichi up from the ledge and sat him down in a lounge chair. “You listen to me, Shuichi,” he said. “You are not alone! Whatever you're going through, I'll help you through it. Remember that! I'm always here for you.”

 

“That's what Hiro said,” Shuichi said with a dry laugh, “before he met Ayaka.”

 

“Well guess what. I've already got you and you're never gonna get rid of me,” Tatsuha said and kissed Shuichi between the eyes. “Now come on, let's go inside. It's cold out here.”

 

Tatsuha pulled Shuichi up and led him into the house and back to his bedroom. He pulled Shuichi's hoodie off and choked back a sob at the sight beneath it. Shuichi's left arm was covered in cuts and a large black and blue bruise stained his bicep. A few cuts were scattered here and there across his chest and right arm, but none were as deep as the others. He gently ran his fingers over the scabs and fresh wounds, tears streaking his face.

 

“How long?” he managed to choke out. “When did you start again?”

 

Shuichi sighed and muttered his answer in a voice that Tatsuha had to strain his ears to hear. “Last night.”

 

“What the hell, Shuichi? Over thirty cuts in twenty-four hours?”

 

Shuichi moved his eyes to look at the floor, afraid to let Tatsuha see him cry. He nodded.

 

Tatsuha collapsed into his arms and broke down, sobs shuddering violently throughout his body. Shuichi buried his fingers in raven-hair as let the tears poor freely from his own eyes, ashamed of himself for relapsing and making Tatsuha cry.

 

“Sorry, Tatsuha,” Shuichi said through sobs. “I can't help it.”

 

“I never blamed you for anything,” Tatsuha muttered. “I'm just scared because I know that you can't help it.”

 

Shuichi held Tatsuha for a while longer, until the man calmed down, and then let him sit up and looked at him directly.

 

“Hiro,” Tatsuha said.

 

“What about him?”

 

“Would you like him to know about this?”

 

“I have a feeling that he already knows, but please don't tell him. I won't be able to stand putting that pressure on him again. I don't even know if I'm gonna be able to stand it with you,” Shuichi said with a self-depreciating grin.

 

“Don't worry about me. I won't leave you. Not now, not ever,” Tatsuha said and kissed Shuichi on the lips.

 

I don't deserve him and he deserves much better than me. I don't want to hurt him like Yuki hurt me, Shuichi thought but said. “Thank you.”

 

“No problem,” Tatsuha said and stood up. “Now let's go to bed.”

 

Shuichi stood up and let Tatsuha pull him to his bed where they both collapsed. Shuichi laid his arm under Tatsuha's head and the other man laid his head on his shoulder. Tatsuha curled up on his side and laid a hand on Shuichi chest, afraid that he would leave him if he wasn't touching him.

 

“I love you,” Tatsuha muttered.

 

“Good night, Tatsuha.”

 

TBC…

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A/N: Welp, there it is. Sorry if you don't like the Tatsuha/Shuichi pairing, but I think it'll add some good twists and lotsa angst later on. smirks evilly… This is gonna be good. Please R&R (good reviews and constructive criticism give me the inspiration to write faster) and give me some ideas…