Gravitation Fan Fiction ❯ Just Like You ❯ Chapter 1

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters. Just the insanity.

LIKE YOU

Addiction.

Obsession.

Weigh them in your hand and they are equal. Brothers. The temptation of a mortal soul. They drive. They are the motivation of desperation. Of longing. Without one, the other could never exist. Obsession is addiction. Addiction is obsession. Those who succumb cannot tell the difference.

They are the same.

For those simple-minded enough to believe it.

People are easy to manipulate, anyway. Dolls. Mindless puppets. Masses upon masses of stupidity. Ready to act on a whim. To obey their master. They're made this way. They cannot escape their fate. They have dug their own grave. Built their own tombstone. Placed it in the ground to crumble and rot and disappear into nothing.

The afterlife waits for them. For me. I am as guilty as they who do not know better. Just as dumb. Just as ignorant. Just as blind. The world could change, and I wouldn't know. Wouldn't understand.

People could die. Perish in flames. Suffocate. Drown. Bleed. I wouldn't know. By my own choice. I wouldn't care. I'm as heartless as the rest.

Don't laugh.

Don't hate me.

I've known hate deeper than the oceans. Blacker than space. Infinite like time. It consumed me. Ate me alive. Hate is hungry. It can never be full or satisfied. It devoured my sanity. Emptied my brain. Added obsession to my vacant self. I had nothing but compulsion left.

Hatred and jealousy are lethal when combined.

I was swimming in it. Bathing in it. Drinking it.

No one cared.

Not me

My friends.

Well...

Ken cared.

Ma, too.

But they don't count. We've been together forever. Friends forever. Fun forever. Love forever. We were inseperable. A trio of tyrants. The best of times. The worse of times. Those didn't matter. Nothing could break us. We were addicted to each other. Thrived on happiness. Laughter. Simple touches. Even the tears were nourishment to our souls.

Ken.

Brown. Pale. Sunglasses. Headband. Too many grins. He was the fun one. Hyper. Exuberant. Never letting us fall apart. I liked him. He liked me. We were good companions. The best.

Ma.

Blonde. Gold. Yellow. Shimmering. Ruthless. Bossy. Perfect wasn't good enough. We fought. Fists. Knees. Curses. Bruised and bleeding. We met that way. I tolerated him. He despised me. We became friends as easily as Ken and I argued. Seldom. Never. In the end, we learned to like.

We didn't have a choice.

I'll never forget.

They won't let me.

Ma. Ken. The ghosts of my heart.

I have new ghosts now. Blinding. Red. White. Seething.

Addiction.

Obsession.

Weigh them in your hand and one outweighs the other. Yin and Yang. Light. Darkness. Harmony. Chaos. Temptations of a sinner.

Forgive me, God, for I have sinned.

I defiled Your love. Threw it in Your face. Kicked it. Trashed it. Spat on it. Loved it.

The contradiction of life.

Rape becomes love when we are desperate. Humans defile everything that they "love." Fathers. Mothers. Brothers. Sisters. Religion. The very ground they walk upon. Themselves.

I'm no different. No better than the scum of our cities.

But...

I am that scum. I'm that nightmare everyone fears. Free to walk. To roam. Invisible in the shadows. Why should I care? Regret? I have done nothing that others haven't done.

I have nothing but excuses left.

Excuses. Liquefying lies of the mouth.

I cannot go back.

I cannot be forgiven.

I've sinned. Committed treason. Mutiny. Sacrilage of holy truth.

Obsession made the obsessor. Made me. Addiction became my ambrosia. My sustenance. I'm mad and crazy and starving. Thristing. Desperate. Lonely.

So alone...

Weigh them in your hand. Go ahead. Dammit! DO IT! Weight them! Feel how heavy they are.

Addiction feeds. Consumes. Sucks until there is nothing left. Obsession drives. Obsession's the motivator. It moves continents. Moves minds. Hearts. Thoughts. Decisions. They are different. The same.

I need both. Want them. Crave them.

Ghosts be damned!

I'm demented. Sick. Tormented. Star-crossed. Planets fucking aligned.

I'll come after you. Toy with you. Hurt you. Scar you. Make you scream. Bleed. Pour open. Cry. And, you will like it. I. Will. Make. You. Like. It. There's no choice. No alternative. This isn't a fucking game. Didn't you know?

Dammit!

I forgive you, God, for You have sinned!

I've done nothing wrong. Absolutely. Fucking. Nothing.

You made me hate. You created this obsession. This weakness of the mind. You opened my mouth and forced addiction down my throat.

I hate you.

I. Fucking. Hate. You.

You created the world in seven days. I destroyed it in one. Obliterated it. Burnt it. Flooded it. Washed it clean of the pious and reverent and devoted.

How does it feel to be us? People? The mindless?

Are you scared yet?

You should be.

I can't stop because of You. My hands. My mouth. My ideas. They're not mine. I don't control them. You fill my head with nasty, dirty things.

Satan? Lucifer? The Dark Prince? Whatever You wish to call him. He didn't do it. He's Your excuse. Your cover. He's not evil. You hide. Coward. Use Him as Your cover. Murderer.

Who's really the Wicked One?

Point fingers. I want to know. Everything.

Was He like me? Innocent? Gullible? Naive? Too blind to see the real You?

Probably.

It's not like I care. I'm heartless. Remember? I'm too full of sin. Immoral. Guilty of all seven.

Pride.

Too proud of myself? Damn right. I was famous. Well-known. Loved by everyone. Except You. But who needs You? I don't.

Wrath.

Furious at the world. Myself. Everyone and everything. I allowed it to control me. In the end. But that wasn't me. Was it?

Lust.

I never really had much of that. Sure. I lusted. Who doesn't? But it was never it excess. I know better. I'm smarter. Are You impressed? No. I already figured that out.

Anger.

My most valuable, coveted sin. I loved anger. It was a rush. Fun. Exciting. Powerful. Power trip. Fast. Fierce. I owned it. It never owned me.

Gluttony.

Skip it. Forget it's there. I'm a glutton for punishment. For addiction. Obsession is a glutton for me. We're happy with it. Family and Gluttony. Hand in hand.

Envy.

God! Damn You for envy. Envy this. Envy that. Fuck envy. It got me nowhere. Fucking nowhere. I envy envy. Envy is pink. I hate pink. Pink and blue. Fuck envy and it's pinkish blueness.

Sloth.

I'm slow. So what? Blame sloth. It's a cataclyst of smoldering energy. Not used. It's slack. Stalling. Delayed. Apathetic. Lethargic. Use whatever word You like. Insert word here. But don't put my name. Sloth. Aizawa. It doesn't work.

There. I listed mine. List Yours. It's only fair.

Wait.

I forgot.

Fair doesn't suit You or own You or claim You. You're above fair. You're the opposite. Dark. Depraved. Unethical. Devious. Unjustifiable.

Everything that I'm not.

Obsession and Addiction.

Heaven and Hell.

Who can tell them apart?

They are both and neither and the same at once.

I want to live in peace. Free of guilt. Unburdened. Heaven loves the reconciled. I'm not reconciled. Forgiven. Heaven doesn't want me. Need me. Love me. That's okay. Fuck Heaven, too. Righteousness never was for me, anyway.

Hell.

Hell's better. Fun. Freedom. The opposite of everything. If Heave was Yin, Hell would be Yang.

That same old cliche.

My life is cliche. Hell's cliche. Heaven's cliche. Everything is cliche.

Fuck. Cliche is cliche.

Heaven's non-existent.

Hell is here. Now. The present. The completely and utterly forgotten. I've spoke of everything. Let's talk about the one they forgot. The one God ignores. Hates. The one I embrace. Must love. Because I have no choice. It's not a game. Too bad it isn't. I'd like it more if it was.

It's in you. Hell. It's all around you. People say that purgatory is frightening. Scary. Death for the unpure. They're wrong. Ignorant. Patronizers of their own life. Hell is life. The earth. I converted before I'd even realized. I allowed everything I'd hated and despised and cherished to defile me. My sins became my downfall. My own death.

I begged.

I prayed.

I fucking said I was SORRY!

Did anyone listen?

No.

Did anyone care?

Fuck NO.

I would have been better off dead. Angels. Demons. Halos. Horns. Give me either and I would have been happy. But he had to interfere.

Him.

That laughable, fucking pretensious smile. Stupid fucking hat.

God dammit!

I wanted to kill him, too. (Not that I've done it. A figure of speech, you understand.)

I never really liked him. Ever. He could have left. Died. Disappeared. Fallen down the steps. Smothered in his sleep. Been kidnapped.

I wouldn't have cared.

I doubt anyone would have cared. But he made me the criminal. The evil-doer. The mastermind of the entire fucking thing. He hated that kid as much as I did. It was obvious. The looks. The stares. The jealousy. It was written on his face. But no one accused him.

Blame Aizawa.

Dammit!

Blame me!!

It's my fault. Though he hated him, too. It was my fault.

Fucking pansey. Queer. Pink-haired. Faggot.

I hate you! I. Fucking. Hate. You. God be damned! He can stay wherever the hell he's at. I don't care. I want your blood. Your mouth. Your body. I can taste it.

Queer?

I'm as fucking gay as they come.

I hate being this way. I hate it. It's a crime. I can't love AND hate. They are both and neither and the same at once, too. A thin line between. Isn't that it?

It doesn't matter. I suppose.

My obsession craved addiction. I tried to feed it. Appease it. In the end, it destroyed me.

I was a mess.

Shivering. Shaking. Crying. Apologizing. Never anything good enough.

I've wasted my life.

Everyone hates me.

Does it bother me? Am I okay with it?

Would you be?

Ask yourself those questions. Put yourself in my place.

Can you pretend long enough to know? To realized? Experience my pain? My grief? My banishment? The repulsion? My heartache?

No.

The answer is simple.

People can't pretend. They have no imagination. They hate me for what I've done. They'll never know the truth. My reasoning behind it all.

It's easy to blame the one who stands out.

Me.

Tachi Aizawa.

The addictions.

The obsessions.

Weigh them in your hand and they are equal. Brothers. The temptation of a mortal soul. They drive. They are the motivation of desperation. Of longing. Without one, the other could never exist. Obsession is addiction. Addiction is obsession. Those who succumb cannot tell the difference.

Weigh them in your hand and one outweighs the other. Yin and Yang. Light. Darkness. Harmony. Chaos. Temptations of a sinner.

They are different.

They are the same.

They are both and neither and the same at once.

An easy lesson to learn. Harder to live.

I've known this forever. Since Ken and Ma. Before ASK.

I screwed up.

No one can make me take it back. I can't reverse what I've done.

I am the one responsible. As resposible as thousands of others before me.

I committed the worst of all sins. Darker than pride. Deeper than wrath. More diluted than lust. Thicker than anger. Hungrier than gluttony. Greener than envy. More sluggish than sloth.

Against myself. I murdered my heart.

I can't apologize.

Please forgive me. For I have sinned.

Don't hate me.

I'm sorry.

Shuichi...