Gravitation Fan Fiction ❯ Leaving ❯ Leaving ( Chapter 1 )

Leaving

By FantasiCat

Disclaimer: Come on, is this really necessary? Think about it. If I owned Gravitation, the whole thing would be scenes of hot bishonen guys in showers. Sadly, it belongs to the wonderful Maki Murakami.

Author's Note: This is my first fic ever, and first time writing anything in first person POV. I apologize in advance if the characters are OOC. Please don't be too hard on me. This is told from Yuki's POV. Also, this is a songfic with a song I wrote in class when I was bored. If you want to use it (which is unlikely) please ask me first. The lyrics are in /.../ This is rated PG for cursing. Ja ne!

Author's Note 2: Ok, I finally caved. This is the new, improved version of Leaving. I've basically just done grammar and formatting revisions, so it should be easier to read. Remember, it's been scientifically proven that reviewers are 30% smarter then other people! Special thanks to everyone who reviewed the original. This is for you guys. ^_^

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"I guess this is goodbye then," said Shuichii sadly, violet eyes locked on the floor. All I could do was stand there. He was leaving? For real? My mind refused to process the possibility. He was waiting for me to say something, eyes finally rising to meet mine. Don't go, my heart whispered. I need you. That shook me out of my paralysis. I was Yuki Eiri, and I needed no one. "Whatever. I don't care what you do, brat," I answered coldly. He nodded slowly, as if he got the answer he was expecting. He turned and walked out the door. "Sayonara Yuki," he whispered, as the door closed behind him.

/You're walking out the door,

You say it's time to leave

I'm standing there and staring

Disbelieving

I didn't think you'd actually go,

You said that you loved me

But I guess even love can only Go so far/

I walked into my study and sat down in front of my laptop. He was gone, I realized. He wasn't coming back this time. I'd finally succeeded in driving the annoying baka away. I should have been jumping for joy at the newfound peace and quiet, but instead I found myself longing to hear the front door open and have him run into the room to glomp me. "What's wrong with me?" I asked the empty room. "No more Nittle Grasper CDs blaring, no more of the brat blathering in my ear nonstop, no more having my kitchen almost burned down when he tries to cook. I should be ecstatic." Of course there was no answer.

It's just that I'm used to him being here, I tell myself. I'm a creature of habit. It'll take me a while to readjust. Satisfied with this answer, I turn to my screen to write. I have a deadline to meet after all.

~*~2 hours later~*~

"I can't believe this," I mutter to myself. The cursor on my blank screen blinks at me accusingly, my muse apparently having run off with Shuichii. Damn it. No matter what I do, my thoughts turn back to that brat. Realizing I'm not going to get any work done, I walk into the kitchen to get a beer. The silence is beginning to drive me crazy, so I turn on the radio, but apparently all of the stations are playing nothing but Bad Luck songs. This isn't helping, I think. I have to get out of here. I decide to go for a walk.

Lost in thought, I wander wherever my feet take me. My thoughts immediately turn back to Shuichii. I wonder if he got to Hiro's okay, there being no doubt in my mind that that's where he went. Wait a minute, why should I care if he's all right? He's not mine to worry about anymore. For some strange reason, this thought makes my heart ache unbearably. I shake off these thoughts and look around.

"Oh great," I groan. "Just fucking perfect." I should have known my treacherous feet would drag me here, of all places. The park, the place where I first met the kid, the place where I had come to comfort him countless times, after he and I would fight. I flop down on a nearby bench. Why does everything remind me of him, I wonder, and why does my heart ache so much? Suddenly, I sit straight up in shock as I realize something. I love that baka. And I just let him walk out of my life forever. I want to hit myself. I want to scream in frustration. I want this not to be happening to me. It's too late now, whispers a voice that sounds suspiciously like my long silent conscience. He's gone forever.

/ You're all I ever wanted

I'm starting to see that I call out "Wait!"

But it's too late

And there's no turning back/

I start to shake uncontrollably as the reality of the situation hits me. "Shuichii… gone… forever… no…" I whisper brokenly as I fall to my knees. Get a hold of yourself dammit! My mind screams at me. You're a nationally famous writer, and you're in a public place. You have an image to keep up, remember? Break down later. Right, of course. I'm supposed to be Yuki Eiri, romance writer extraordinaire, a person who never shows emotions. Slowly, I get to my feet, brush myself off, and look around. There's no one here who could have seen my brief emotional outburst, thankfully. No normal person comes to the park at midnight. I start to walk, my only conscious thought being to get home, the rest of me focused on keeping the pain from eating me alive.

/I cannot cry,

Though I want to

My tears are kept locked inside

I'm breaking down,

So silently

No one knows what's going through my mind/

When I finally get home, it's all I can do to get to our- my- room and fall on the bed. I don't want to move, I don't want to sleep, I don't want anything at all except to have my little bundle of pink-haired energy back. My Shuichii. Not mine anymore, I think to myself. Not mine ever again. Intellectually, I know the state I'm in is called apathy and that I should try to get up before it gets worse, but I can't seem muster up enough strength to care before I fall into the black waters of sleep.

Dimly, I'm aware of the phone ringing and somehow manage to drag myself over to it to answer. "Hello?"

"What have you done to him now?" Came the angry answer. It's Hiro, Shuichii's best friend and band mate. "I've just spent the last 3 hours letting him cry himself to sleep on my shoulder, and he's refusing to tell me what happened. What did you do?"

Glancing at the clock, I see it's 1am. I've gotten a little over a half an hour of sleep. I should have expected this, though I wish he could have waited until a reasonable hour to call. "Nothing," I say bitterly, surprising the person on the other end of the line. "I know you don't believe me, but this time I haven't done a fucking thing." I've got to get a hold of my self. I'm letting people see my emotions. Taking a deep breath, I start talking again. "He's the one who decided to leave me, so don't start blaming me for his emotional pain." I almost say more, but stop just in time. There's a long pause. Finally, Hiro starts speaking again, gentler this time.

"Tell me what happened." God, I hate it when people act all sympathetic towards me. None of them really care; they just want to know to satisfy their own curiosity. That's not true, my conscience whispers. Shuichii cared. But he's gone now, isn't he? Your fault, it's all your fault. I almost want to tell him, but I depend on no one. I don't need to discuss my pain with others.

"None of your Goddamn business," I say finally, after an extended period of silence. I hang up abruptly, and collapse on the couch. Bad idea. It is covered with his scent, like strawberries and baby powder, and it brings all the pain flooding back tenfold. "It hurts," I whimper to the unsympathetic ceiling. "Why does it hurt so much?"

/I'm supposed to be the strong one

I'm supposed to show no fear

I have no one to comfort me now.

On the inside I'm crying, but outside

My eyes are all to clear/

~*~Later that day~*~

Several hours later, there's a knock at my door. I'm still lying on the couch, where I fell after the early morning phone call. I decide to ignore the knock, hoping whoever it is goes away soon. Instead, there's the jangle of a key in the lock. Now, I can count the number of people with a key to my house on one hand, so it could only be one of four people. Tatsuha's in Kyoto and Mika's out of town, so it could only be Tohma or… For a second I allow my self to hope, but my hopes are crushed when the door opens to reveal the blond haired president of NG Studios, Tohma Seguchi, whom I love like a brother.

"You look terrible," he says quietly, as he stands in the doorway, a small worried frown on his face.

"Good to know I look like I feel," I say, trying to be flippant. The effort is wasted on Tohma, whose frown deepens, before he comes to sit next to me on the couch.

"You know, Bad Luck couldn't get any recording done today," he states, while looking at the only piece of art on my walls, geometric shapes. "Apparently, their vocalist is so depressed he made himself sick, and everyone was so worried about him they couldn't work."

"Really." I try to act disinterested, but the thought of Shuichii suffering made me ache even more, while at the same time cheering me up slightly. At least I know he still cares.

There is a moment of silence before he looks at me and simply says, "Tell me." Before I know it the whole story comes pouring out of my mouth.

"We have been having problems for a couple weeks. The blame is shared, though. I have a deadline coming up soon, his new CD isn't coming along as fast as he wanted, and we were both kind of on edge. He wanted me to drop everything and listen to his problems, I wanted him to go away and let me work. We had more fights then usual, nothing serious, but they hurt both of us, I think. We made up quickly, but neither of us really apologized, because neither of us felt we were in the wrong. Bad feelings kept building between us, and I guess they finally exploded last night." I paused.

This part was painful, more painful then anything else I've gone through in my 22 years, even more then what happened in New York. But I plowed doggedly on. "It seemed like we'd been walking on egg shells around each other for about a week, never knowing what would set the other off, but last night was different. He was being really annoying, even for him, and it was getting on my already frayed nerves. I told him to shut up, leave me alone, do anything but stand there and bug me. Nothing new, really. He started to cry, whining about how mean I was, how I never pay attention to him, etc etc. Finally, I snapped. I turned around and… and…" I broke off suddenly. I couldn't tell him this. Oh God I can't believe I… that I…

"Come on, Eiri. You can do this. Tell me what happened next," Tohma coaxed. "I can't help you until I know what happened."

I took a deep breath. He was right. I could do this. I started talking again, though instead of my normal cool, calm voice, a ragged, defeated whisper came out. "I turned around, stood up, and slapped him. He just stood there with a hand on his cheek, staring at me like I'd grown an extra head. When I saw what I'd done, I was horrified. I took a step forward, about to apologize, and he flinched and backed up like he thought I was going to attack him. Like he thought I was going to beat him like those monsters from ASK. All I could do was stand there as he turned and ran out of the room. Eventually, I got the courage to follow him, determined to apologize. I couldn't stand the thought of him looking at me like that."

"When I came into the living room, he was just standing there, looking defeated. He looked like all his nightmares had just come true. It took me a second to see that he had a bag slung over his shoulder. I asked where he thought he was going. He looked at me for a few moments with those sad, defeated, almost lifeless eyes. Those eyes looked like they didn't belong to him. There was no spark, no life, no anything. They were just blank, like looking at glass. Then he looked at the floor and said 'I guess this is goodbye then.' I couldn't think. He was leaving? I couldn't comprehend that thought, so I acted out of habit. I just said 'whatever. I don't care what you do, brat.' He nodded like he expected that and walked out. The last thing he said was 'sayonara Yuki.' "

"I tried everything to get my mind off of him. I tried to work but I couldn't write, and the only things on the radio were songs he sings. I went for a walk and ended up in the place that reminds me most of him." I sat up suddenly, surprising Tohma. "I realized something last night, Tohma," I said levelly, looking him straight in the eyes. "I love him. He's become my whole world. Without him, I am nothing."

He nodded, slowly, processing everything I just said to him. "Thank you for finally opening up to me Eiri," he said calmly. "Here." He handed me two pieces of paper.

"What's this?" I asked. When I looked at them, I did a double take. It was a ticket to Bad Luck's concert next week, and a backstage pass for after the show. "Why are you giving me these?"

"Because I think you can still fix this. It all depends on whether you really want to, whether you mean everything you just said. It's your choice." He stood to leave. When he was almost at the door, he stopped and looked over his shoulder. "I just want you to be happy." Then he was gone.

I sat on the couch, staring at the ticket. He was right. Even if I couldn't fix this, even if Shuichii was gone for good, I had to try to get him back. I had to tell him how I felt. "Because," I said to no one in particular. "If there is one thing I will not do, it is quit, before I even try."

/Even though I know

You won't come back

Even though I know

You're gone

I've finally learned the lesson

You've been teaching all along

That those who share their feelings

Are the ones who're truly strong/

~*~The night of the concert~*~

I was nervous. I was extremely nervous. What if it's too late? I thought. What if he hates me now? It doesn't matter, I decided. If I didn't do this, if I didn't try to get him back, I wouldn't be able to live with myself anymore. "I can do this," I whispered. I really am pathetic, reduced to giving myself pep talks. It was time for the concert to begin.

/Even though I tried so hard to live

Without you

The blackness comes to swallow me

People say my heart is frozen

You said it's not true

I just don't know how to let my feelings free

But I know I wish I could

Say just one thing to you/

As soon as he stepped on stage, my heart broke all over again. He looked tired, like he hadn't slept this entire week, and his trademark genki sparkle was missing. The smile he gave to the crowd was obviously forced, if you knew what you were looking at, but it was enough for the screaming fans. I cursed myself repeatedly for doing this to him. Shuichii, of all people, didn't deserve it. He stepped up to the mike. "Hi, minna-chan!" he shouted with forced brightness. "Sorry to keep you waiting!" They started to play.

It was a wonderful concert. Despite the fact that I always put him down, Shuichii sang really well, and his lyrics weren't that bad. Putting him down was simply habit on my part, to keep people from getting close. It didn't work on my Shu-chan though. He kept coming back to me until I fell in love with him, I thought with a smile. It was the smile that no one but Shuichii ever saw, because he was invariably the cause of it.

Eventually the concert ended, despite people screaming for an encore. It's time, I thought soberly. I quickly walked backstage, flashing my pass to the security guard stationed at the entrance. He nodded and let me through. I can do this I can do this I can do this, I kept thinking to myself. It was the only thing that kept me from running back the way I had come. I had been to enough of Shuichii's concerts to know my way around, so I went straight to his dressing room. Taking a deep breath, letting the tattered remains of my pride fall to the ground, and gathering up my courage, I knocked on the door.

/I know you've left me for good, but now

I've got something to say to you

You've broken through my barriers,

Though I don't know how

I guess all that's left to say is…/

When he opened the door, I swear I stopped breathing. He was so beautiful, words couldn't describe. My pink-haired, violet eyed, petite, angelic, genki bundle of energy. How such an angel could love me, a cold, hard, tall blond man, with gold eyes better suited to a cat then a person, was a mystery. But he probably doesn't love you anymore, I thought, reminding myself that it was my fault I lost him.

He simply looked at me in shock for a second, as if he thought he'd never see me again. "Yuki," he breathed, looking into my eyes. I love the way he says my name, like it was made of honey, indescribably sweet. Any words I might have said stuck in my throat as I simply gazed at him. Whatever he saw in my eyes made him stand out of the door and let me in, which is more then I had hoped for. We walked over to a small couch in the corner. As soon as we sat down, he started to speak, but I held up my hand, stopping him mid-syllable.

"Shh," I said, my voice more full of emotion then it had been in years. "Let me say what I came to say. Shuichii, I'm sorry, sorrier then you can ever know-"

"Yuki," he interrupted me. "It was my-" I stopped him again, this time by putting a finger to his lips.

"Let me finish, please." I continued, "I don't know what came over me, and I understand if you don't forgive me. I don't deserve to be forgiven for what I did." I touched his cheek lightly where I had slapped him. "But I did a lot of thinking that night, and I finally realized something. I've come to depend on you. You've become my inspiration, my whole world, and my source of joy in life. If you don't come back I have only myself to blame, but I wouldn't be able to live with my self if I didn't tell you this." I stopped for a second and looked deeply in to his eyes, begging him to see the truth of my words. "Shu-chan, I love you," I said with absolute conviction.

He simply stared for several seconds, and I expected the worst. That he would scream, cry, and tell me to get the hell away from him. Basically to confirm that I had lost him for the rest of my life. Instead he surprised me by flinging his arms around my neck and pulling me in for a long, heartfelt kiss. When it was over, he leaned his forehead against mine and whispered, "I've waited so long to hear you say that. Yuki, koi, I love you too. That night, it was my fault, and I'm so sorry. I knew you had a deadline, I shouldn't have provoked you. Forgive me?"

I smiled the smile that was just for him and, wrapping my arms around him tightly, whispered back, "Only if you forgive me." "I'll always forgive you, Yuki," he smiled back, drawing his bottom lip between his teeth. When he looks at me like that, I would do anything for him. He is the only person I have ever met that can look both cute and sexy at the same time. "Come on," I say as I stand, wrapping my fingers around his and drawing him with me towards the door." He comes willingly, stopping only long enough to grab his bag. There's probably a really deep lesson to be learned from this, I thought as I down looked at him. But I don't care. I'm just glad to have him back. He catches me looking at him, and laughs a little, the genki sparkle back in his face. Laughing with him, I make a promise both to him and myself. I'm never letting you leave again, Shu-chan. I don't think I would survive it. My fingers tighten around his and we head toward home.

/Aishiteru/

~Owari~

A/N: Like it? Hate it? Please review. Everyone who reviews gets a virtual glomp! ^_^ Constructive criticism is always welcome, but flames will be laughed at, sent to my friends to be laughed at some more, and then cheerfully used to roast marshmallows.