Gravitation Fan Fiction ❯ Soliloquy ❯ Soliloquy ( One-Shot )

Soliloquy

By Leloi

How dare they? How dare they force him? How dare he allow them? What stupidity must have gone through his mind to allow them to mount him like that?

His friend told me he did it for MY honor. I never asked for that kind of relationship. No one should ever have to be gang raped just to secure MY honor. This is insane… how could he allow it?

I may as well have been the one to pay them off. The kid did it for me to keep my reputation safe with no thought to his own safety. The difference between us… is he willingly let it happen just to protect me. Would I have done the same? No… I couldn't do the same.

Gods, this is so infuriating. My anger and my rage that these assholes would try and rip away all the kid's innocent, trusting nature as it had been taken from me. When my fists took them it was like facing my attackers so many years ago. Except this time I had the power and the strength to beat them without a gun.

Damn kid… why did he have to let them?

At least the film is gone now. There's nothing left to be held over his head. "Look… Bad Luck's lead singer takes dick. His tight ass wasn't tight enough… someone else beat us to it. Someone else broke him in. And he cums even when the dick inside of him is rough…" It would ruin his career… ruin his life… all because he fell for me.

Fuck. No doubt they'll come after me now. Shuuichi you're such a fool. Why would you risk so much for me? I'm not worthy of this kind of devotion. I'm a killer… a murderer. And yet you throw yourself at me… careless of who I am or what I've done.

They say it was self defense… what I did. It doesn't make it feel any better. I can still see HIM when I close my eyes… haunting me… hating me. I don't deserve to be happy or loved.

A romance writer who can't be loved… that's called irony.

And I'm… afraid to love you back. Once you know the real me you'll run away and I'll be alone again. This emptiness within me is slowly being filled but I know if you understood who I really was, that would all end and I would miss it… the emptiness will grow deeper. I'd miss your obnoxiously cheerful disposition. I'd miss the way you try so very hard to be the perfect mate for me. No one has ever wanted to be a mate to me… just fuck me and take my money. I'm too cold and cruel to attract any woman who wants a real relationship. Why even try when I'm hard to crack? It's stupid and foolish the things you make me do… like bandaging your fingers or cleaning my ears… no woman before you would ever dream of doing such a thing. I DON'T deserve it.

I don't deserve long walks by the water or candlelit dinners. I don't deserve breathless kisses as you whisper my name… his name. My name ceased to be years ago. The name you utter isn't my own. It's the name I took to give him back life… so I won't forget it was my fault he is gone. And when we make love it's his name you moan. But you make love to me… not him.

I can't stay here. I can't allow you to get close. Already you're too close and at any moment you'll learn who I am and leave. These jackasses that sought to steal your innocence wanted information on me. No doubt they will find it if they dig down far enough. I can't allow you to find out about that and… hate me. If you are to learn of my past you should be seeking it from the source and not these fools who would use it as blackmail. No, Shuuichi, no whispered secrets from fools. I don't want to tell you because I know this will all end… but if you want to know, I won't hold back from you. If you honestly love me… you have every right to know. But if your love wavers, I…

I'll go now and leave you to your innocent dreams. If you know me as well as you think you do you'll know where I am. Part of me prays you'll move on and find someone else more worthy of your heart. And a part of me is selfish and wants you to follow. Will you follow me?

"Thus with a kiss… I die." Shakespeare… how pathetic I've become.