Gravitation Fan Fiction ❯ Stairway to Heaven ❯ Closer ( Chapter 6 )

Pairings: Yeah, I think you know alreadyyyyyy

Warnings: Just general crap

Disclaimer: Gravitation is so not mine. ;_; You don't know how much it pains me to say that.

FYI: Woo, I'm FINALLY updating! Well here's a brief lowdown as to WHY it's taken me forever to update: College, MAJOR comp issues, the muse left, college, comp issues, and college. @_@ I don't know how I managed to write this. :\ I want to thank ALL of you guys for reading and/or reviewing. You don't know how much it means to me. I turned to those reviews to inspire me and keep me going when I was ready to give up. *humbly bows* I cannot thank you enough! ;_; *gives out thank you cookies* <3 I really hope this chapter doesn't completely SUCK. ~_~ I hope it was worth the wait! ._. So, uh, enjoy! <3

~*Stairway to Heaven*~

"I don't know what I can say to give you your absolution Shuichi, but I can tell you that it's not hopeless. Just because you don't know what's wrong doesn't mean you can't live with it."

Shuichi sighed, sinking into the over-stuffed chair he was sitting in. The sun was dancing through the glass and spilling onto the wooden floor he was staring at. He turned his head to gaze outside, seeing the tops of buildings, hearing the city traffic below.

Earlier, he had had a short phone conversation with Ryuichi, spilling out all his worries on his friend. Ryuichi had simply told him not to give up. How was he supposed to do that?

That thought caused a familiar pang of guilt to strike his heart for what seemed like the millionth time. The singer silently berated himself for thinking like that. What a coward he was to want to run away from the problem that was staring him in the face. Since when did Shuichi ever give up anyway?

A small smile graced his otherwise frowning lips. Shuichi never gave up on anything! Life was his conquest and when he wanted something, he went after it. He wanted Eiri to get better. He wanted to push aside Eiri's problem. He wanted a small sense of normalcy. Was it really so hard to attain?

"What are you thinking about?" a curious voice asked beside him. Shuichi turned his head and met happy hazel eyes.

"Nothing," he lied, trying not to show how fragile he felt. His goal of normalcy seemed so close that it was too far away. Shuichi broke the eye contact and went back to staring at the floor.

"Nothing? It doesn't look like nothing..." Eiri pushed. He could tell Shuichi was hiding something. He didn't like that.

The singer sighed, rubbing his forehead. "Well then you're looking wrong," he snapped, instantly regretting the words once they passed through his lips. He waited for the rebuke; waited for Eiri to spazz on him.

Eiri was slightly put off by Shuichi's remark, but he decided to push on. "Shuichi...You're not the only one suffering," he said softly, almost afraid to speak his mind. Shuichi stayed silent, eyes downcast. The blond continued on, "I don't want to be like this...I hate it. But I can't help it! I don't know what's wrong with me, so why are you hating me for it?"

There. He said it.

Shuichi's head snapped up. "Hate you? I don't hate you!" he defended, eyes ablaze. "I can't believe...I'm sorry, Eiri. I didn't mean..." Words were useless. No matter how hard he tried, he would never be able to express to Eiri exactly how he was feeling.

A long sigh broke the silence that mingled between them. Eiri sat down on the floor beside Shuichi's chair, drawing small patterns on the floor with his finger. His eyes glanced over the wounds he had inflicted on himself. He felt stupid and completely embarrassed for hurting himself like that; it didn't accomplish anything after all. It didn't take away his pain like he had originally thought it would.

"Eiri..." Shuichi whispered.

"Hmm?"

"Let's go for a walk."

Eiri smiled.

----

Steam rose into the air from the mounds of cooked rice sitting in delicate bowls. The dinner table conversation was quiet and un-obtrusive. Tohma calmly relayed his day to his wife, who nodded every now and then showing her interest while she ate her meal silently. The mundane conversations were usually enjoyable, however, tonight they felt oddly off balance. Mika could feel tension crawling into her skin. What was her husband hiding?

"So, what else did you do today?" she asked casually. Tohma swallowed loudly and took a sip of water.

"I...was thinking about Eiri," he paused. "I want to help him. I think I've found a way..."

Mika was intrigued. A way to help her little brother?

"Let me guess, you've found the worlds best brain surgeon?"

Tohma chuckled a little at that. "No, no, nothing like that. If it were that simple I would have done it ages ago." Despite his seemingly calm demeanour, he was quite nervous. Mika made an impatient sound in the back of her throat, obviously waiting for Tohma to tell her what he was planning.

"I know of this wonderful Institute in Germany..."

Mika nearly choked. "You're kidding, right? You can't possibly think that would help, can you?" Tohma just looked at her and she sighed, defeated. "I know it sounds like it's going to solve everything, but you know just as much as I do that it's going to cause nothing but grief," she stated plainly, staring her handsome husband in his eyes.

Tohma looked away for a second, letting doubt creep into his mind. "I know that... But what else can we do? There IS nothing else. I can't just let him continue on like this forever! He's hurting himself; he's hurting Shindo-san. I'm sorry, but I've stood by long enough waiting for some magical cure that's never going to happen. Maybe it's not the right thing to do but it's the ONLY thing to do." Tohma closed his eyes for a brief second, confirming within himself that he was going to go through with this.

Mika didn't know what to say. She couldn't really say anything. Her little brother was breaking and taking her husband with him. She had no choice but to follow. "I still don't like it, but I'll support you anyway. I'm doing it for Eiri..." A pause, "so...who's going to tell Shuichi?"

Tohma paled slightly. "I'll tell him tomorrow at work. Hopefully it won't go over as bad as we think it's going to."

Mika sighed. "Good luck then."

-----

Shuichi never saw it coming. Never thought, in a million years, that Tohma would spring this upon him. He was dumbfounded, standing in front of Tohma. He was sure his mouth had dropped; sure his eyes were wide.

"Excuse me?" Shuichi choked.

Tohma steeled himself. "I'm sorry Shindo-san... But it's the best thing for him right now."

Shuichi closed his eyes for a moment. "What do you mean, 'best for him'? How do you know what's best for him?" He was doing his best not to scream. "You are NOT going to send Eiri away to a...a loony bin! In GERMANY no less!"

"Shindo-san!" Tohma snapped. "I'm doing this for his own good! And it's not a loony bin for crying out loud!"

"Then what the hell is it? You want to lock him away in a room and hope that he'll get better? You want to pump him full of the very same drugs that may have caused the problem in the first place?" He knew he shouldn't be doing this; Shuichi knew he was crossing the line, but somehow, he didn't care. This wasn't about work, wasn't about who was superior to whom. This was about Eiri and that gave Shuichi every right to stand his ground.

The blond rubbed his temple slightly, gazing at his expensive desk. "Shindo-san," he nearly whispered, "I'm not trying to be the bad guy here." He should have listened to Mika. "What else am I supposed to do?"

Pink hair flashed in the sun as Shuichi turned his head. He kept his eyes firmly glued to the floor, heart racing. "You're not supposed to do anything Seguchi-san," there was a slight tremor in his voice. "There is nothing you can do. There's nothing anyone can do."

"That's not true--"

Shuichi cut Tohma off, "it is true. But why is that a bad thing...? Can't we just be there for him?" Shuichi surprised himself by saying that. That was something he had never expected to hear from his own mouth. It felt strangely liberating to say. It felt... good.

Tohma blinked, raising his eyes to meet Shuichi. A tiny smile tugged at the corner of Tohma's lips but he did not let it blossom. He opened his mouth and then closed it. Resting his clasped hands on his desk, Tohma inwardly sighed. "Very well," he said.

Shuichi waited for Tohma to finish that sentence. After a few seconds of awkward silence, he realized Tohma wasn't going to. "I know you love him Seguchi-san, but please, don't take him away from me..."

I know it sounds like it's going to solve everything but you know just as much as I do that it's going to cause nothing but grief.

Mika's words rang through Tohma's mind once more. He should have listened. He was stuck now. Did he, or didn't he? Since when did he decide Eiri's fate?

The blond man stopped questioning himself, simply opting to think that he did what he thought was best at the time.

"I'm sorry Shindo-san..." was all he could manage to say. Even though he wasn't explicit in what he was sorry about, Shuichi understood. He gave a grateful smile to Tohma, one that resembled his 'old' smile.

Tohma felt awkward having such a smile bestowed upon him. He looked away, gesturing the singer toward the door. "Perhaps we should get together sometime...for lunch." Tohma wasn't really sure why he said that, and he didn't expect that the invitation would ever be filled, but he found the simple pleasure of small talk comforting.

Shuichi nodded on his way out, still smiling, "I'll...see you later, Seguchi-san." And with that, he quietly closed the door and trailed down the pristine hallway with its shiny floors and expensive paintings.

Shuichi somehow felt lighter inside. Things were spiralling out of his control and yet, at the same time, spiralling into his hands. The pain, guilt and anger of having to deal with Eiri's "condition" for so long was finally taking its toll. Shuichi figured he was at a crossroad now; He either walked away, or hopped on Eiri's trail and went along for the extremely bumpy ride to... wherever they decided to go.

It was obvious to him which road he was going to take, but that small nagging feeling inside wasn't about to dissolve instantly. He couldn't just let go of everything he had known for the past five years in a heartbeat. But he was sure he could deal with it if he just let himself... go.

"Stop feeling guilty... Stop feeling useless. Stop feeling angry," the pink haired singer muttered to himself in the elevator that quickly descended down to the second floor where his band was waiting for him. Shuichi smirked slightly. It seemed he always got called out of work to meet with Tohma. He was surprised Fujisaki hadn't lynched him yet.

"I'm not alone. When did I start thinking I was?" he softly said to himself as he walked out of the elevator and down the hall, hands stuffed into his pockets.

"That's what I've been trying to figure out all along," came the slightly playful voice beside him. Ryuichi always did love to sneak up on people, quiet as can be, just to see how much he could surprise them. "Kumagorou wants to know why too!" he grinned, pouncing on the startled pink haired vocalist.

"Ah... I'm just silly, that's all," Shuichi gave a small pat to the pink bunny, feeling a piece of his old self bubble up inside him.

Ryuichi beamed at him, his pink bunny dancing on his head. "Silly Shu-chan! Ryuichi and Kumagorou will always be here for you!" He gave a joyous shout that rang throughout the halls, causing several people to stop and gawk for a few moments.

"I--" Shuichi started, but never got the chance to finish.

"HE has to be back at WORK, Sakuma-san," an extremely frustrated Fujisaki said, hands on his hips, glare firmly in place.

Shuichi grinned. "No, that's okay! You can work FOR me Fujisaki-kun~! I want ICE CREAM!"

It took a few seconds for the sentence to register in Fujisaki's mind. Was Shuichi honestly and seriously skipping out on work for... ice cream?

"Um, tell Hiro I'll call him later 'kay?" Shuichi was a bundle of energy as he bounded down the hall with Ryuichi.

Calmly, the keyboardist walked back into the band room and began putting his things away. Before anyone could question why, he responded with "Shindo-san is going out for ice cream. He'll be back tomorrow. I'm going home." He seemed almost dazed and relieved.

Hiro stared at his band mate. "Ice cream?"

"ICE CREAM?"

"Sakano-san, calm down," Fujisaki stated. "We can't work without Shindo-san here and since he's not, I'm leaving."

Hiro gave a happy cheer. "Does this mean Shuichi's finally starting to...you know...come around?"

Fujisaki shrugged, although he looked happy. "Maybe."

----

Bouncing along the hallway of the small apartment he called home, Shuichi tried his best not to burst out with happiness. He hadn't felt this good for... well, a long damn time. His mood had completely changed from depressed to insanely happy. And for what reason? He wasn't really sure. Although, as Shuichi neared the bedroom he shared with his blond lover, he could feel his good mood trying to kill itself. He was already subconsciously preparing himself for the worst; already expecting to see something horrible. He couldn't help but be completely sober by the time he stepped inside their bedroom.

Well, I certainly can't change overnight... he thought miserably.

Their bedroom was missing a certain blond; although from the looks of it, it hadn't been for long. The covers were rumpled, looking as if they had recently been wrapped around a sleeping body.

Instead of wondering where his lover was, Shuichi distracted himself and his mood by fixing the bed covers, tucking the sheets in and fluffing the pillows that really didn't need it.

Eiri was tucked into a ball in the living room in his usual spot by the sliding glass doors. He loved it there, able to look outside while staying comfortable inside. His heart was thundering inside his chest, thoughts racing a mile a minute. He felt awkward and scared. He could hear her voice inside his mind telling him the world hated him; how they all were against him, everyone was. Her fiery red hair swished in her eyes; her little sundress fluttered as she sat down in front of Eiri.

No matter how hard he tried to ignore her it never really worked. She was a part of him somehow. Maybe she was a part of his dead soul that had come to life to torture him. Maybe she was merely an illusion created by his mind. Or maybe, she was really there and he was the only one who could see it.

"I'm sane. Everyone else is crazy," Eiri snorted to himself. "Why does it matter anyway?" he softly whispered, trailing a finger up and down the scar he inflicted on himself. "I don't think I'll ever know what's wrong with me..." He had long since accepted in his heart of hearts that he would never understand what exactly was wrong with him. He had yet to make his conscious mind and the rest of the world accept that truth. Humans always wanted to know the answers to everything; they could never just let something... be.

"Am I really broken? Maybe I am... but what if I don't want to be fixed?"

Eiri suddenly noticed something. He looked in front of him and saw the little girl sitting there, talking to him, and yet he heard nothing but a distant voice; only mumbled words that made no sense.

He stared in awe at her. No voice... no pestering words...

"Eiri! There you are!" Shuichi burst into the living room, spotting his lover staring ahead of him in the dying sunset. He was bathed in a dark orange glow, deep shadows blanketing his features.

For a split second, Shuichi panicked. What could those shadows be hiding?

And then, Eiri turned to him and gave a tiny smile. He stood and dusted off his bottom and gave another smile. Genuine. Shuichi's heart leapt.

"Are you hungry? I am! I'm too lazy to make anything nice though. Instant ramen?"

Shuichi felt nervous. He walked over to Eiri, standing awkwardly in front of him for a few seconds. "I...I'm sorry," Shuichi whispered, eyes downcast.

"Sorry?"

"For being such a prick. I was selfish... I kept thinking of myself! It was never you... I felt sorry for myself; I never once stopped to think of..." His fists were shaking; his eyes welling with years of unshed feeling.

"Tohma called me," Eiri blurted out, staring at his smaller lover. Shuichi looked confused for a moment, trying to think of why that would be something to talk about.

"Seguchi..." And then it clicked, "he told you about the Germany thing, didn't he?"

"Yeah..."

"Are you...?"

There was only silence. Shuichi looked up and saw deep golden eyes staring down at him. He was rendered speechless by the sheer emotion swirling in them. Shuichi couldn't help but press his lips against Eiri's; couldn't help but cling to the other for dear life. He wasn't going to have this taken away from him. Shuichi kissed Eiri harder, delighted when Eiri responded with just as much vigour.

Seconds later, their lips broke apart with a smacking sound, a string of saliva trailing between them.

"I'm not going anywhere," Eiri whispered, a lump in his throat. "I'm going to accept this. Are you?"

Shuichi smiled and nodded, resting his head against Eiri's chest. The muffled sound of Eiri's heart beating was comforting to Shuichi. It let him know the world was still spinning, time was still ticking and life was moving on. Ever since that near car accident, Shuichi had realized that he took his life and everything in it for granted. And although he had felt powerless to change it, he suddenly didn't think it would be so hard anymore. If Eiri was willing to accept his "condition", Shuichi could too, right? Open minds are open hearts.

Shuichi knew he would have to learn to live with this instead of trying to run away from it. Maybe by living with it he would understand it more. Maybe BOTH of them would.

"C'mon, let's make something for dinner," Shuichi smiled, tugging on Eiri's arm. There was a hesitant pause, Eiri looked behind him. He wanted to know where that little girl was. She was, surprisingly, nowhere to be seen.

Shuichi watched as Eiri's eyes darted around the room almost frantically. His heart jumped in his throat. "What's wrong?"

"I... can't find her," Eiri told the truth this time instead of lying, which is what he normally did. It didn't take Shuichi very long to figure out whom Eiri was talking about.

"Doesn't matter, right? Maybe she got lost or something," Shuichi pulled his own stunt, breaking the tension with humour instead of... Well, instead of freaking out, yelling or crying.

Eiri didn't seem too amused but nonetheless followed Shuichi into the kitchen. He could already sense the change in attitude from his lover and felt grateful for it. Even in his worst times, Shuichi stuck by him.

Maybe this illness of his wasn't such a curse after all.

-----

TBC?

AN: Gawd. ~_~ Okay folks! I need some opinions! Should I write another chapter? Should I end it here? I just can't decide. ;_; Any comments you have are appreciated! *sends out much love to you guys* <3 Till next time?

~Nevah~ :B