Gravitation Fan Fiction ❯ The Disasters Brought By Free Time and Neglect ❯ 02 ( Chapter 2 )

Same Disclaimer as before, emphasis on how much I don't own Gravitation.

 

Chapter 2

If there was anything I ever envied about Seguchi Tohma, (closeness to Yuki aside) it was that no matter the situation, he could keep a straight face. I mean, you could probably shoot him in the toe and kill his wife, and he'd still be wearing that tiny smirk, with those darkly amused little eyes that could freeze you to the core, accented with that tilted hat that made him look like a shark or a serial killer, predatory and knowing. I only wish I could have managed the control Tohma did, keeping my emotions wrapped up tight, so that no one was the wiser to what I was doing. It's kind of difficult, wearing your heart out on your sleeve all the time, and by the end of the day I felt frayed, worn, and open to attack.

Yuki found me like that, crying on the floor, a few hours later.

His reaction wasn't what I expected, but neither was my response. He asked me flat out what the fuck was wrong with me this time, and I hugged my knees tighter to my chest and told him in that whiny, teary voice I often adapt that it was nothing, and so he sat down next to me on the floor and put his hand on my head. It was comforting and awkward at the same time, because Yuki wasn't used to being the one to offer comfort and I wasn't used to getting any from him, but we managed, sitting in the silence that seemed to have overthrown the usual chaos of our apartment.

I asked him what he would do if I died. It was probably the last thing he was expecting me to say from the way his eyes narrowed and his temple twitched, and he didn't look at all pleased. Then he asked me, in that low, dangerous voice of his, if that's what this was all about, and I only sunk my head further between my knees in reply. Instead of hitting me, or condemning me to the couch like I expected him to, he only let out a sigh and rolled his eyes, standing up and walking to the balcony, his countenance reflected by the glass and the night-lights of Tokyo. In that same soft voice, the one I was so used to hearing the blunt truth from, he told me simply that as long as I was alive, he didn't have to worry about it, and once I was gone he'd move on, just as I would do if something happened to him. It was a typical Yuki answer, one I should have expected, but at that moment I wasn't prepared for his cold response as it drove it's way into my mind like the shattered glass windshield of a car accident.

I went back to sulking, retreating into my old habits, as I'm prone to do, feeling wounded and alone. When he walked back over to me, he lifted my chin with his hand and whispered an affectionate “baka,” before kissing me. It wasn't the normal, fierce kiss that I had come to associate with Yuki, but it was soft, bittersweet comfort from someone who was used to breaking me apart and putting me back together. I didn't want his pity, or his failed attempt at romance, but I gave in just like I always do, because this was Yuki, the same Yuki who I'd built my whole world around, and I knew that I couldn't deny him anything no matter how hard I tried.

With the end of that kiss he assumed I was healed, as though such a small offering of kindness would pacify me like it used to. His kisses reverted to their predatory nature, and within minutes I was back in his bedroom, naked and vulnerable and more alone than I had ever been during the entirety of our relationship. I murmured his name over and over, if only out of habit. Perhaps it was then that I decided what I would do, as his name faded into the darkness of his bedroom. He couldn't cage me with my own professions of love any longer without expecting something to give.

I couldn't look him in the eyes as the dull sounds of sex reverberated through the apartment. That's what it had come to, hadn't it? Just sex, nothing more, and my own detachment didn't surprise me as much as I'd expected it to. Inside I was screaming, scrambling to find the reasons I wouldn't be able to go on if Yuki wasn't there for me, but I only came up empty-handed. I knew I loved Yuki. I knew I would always love Yuki, and that after this night I would never be the same, but even my fierce attachment to this man couldn't keep me here any longer, not when our entire relationship remained in limbo, unaffected by the passage of time.

I smiled then, and whispered endearments softly into his ear when we finished, and he looked more peaceful than he had in months. I was surprised when he held me, giving me permission to cuddle next to him, but I felt it was an oddly fitting end to the events of the past few months. He breathed evenly into my hair, eyes closed, and I watched him sleep soundlessly, seeing for the last time how slumber peeled away his defenses and made him look like the young boy with the charming smile I'd seen in so many pictures.

I woke up earlier than usual, but Yuki was already awake, holed up in his office, as I knew he'd be all day. I had work in a few hours, but I decided I would ignore my responsibilities for the day and went about gathering my belongings. It was slightly depressing how little there was for me to carry, simply two duffel bags of clothing and miscellaneous electronics equipment, as well as my CD collection and some of the Grasper tapes I hadn't been able to part with. I made it to the door as quietly as I could, focusing solely on my objective, so that I could avoid thinking about what I was going to do with Yuki out of the picture. I opened the door, half expecting Yuki to dash out of his office and convince me to stay, when I realized I hadn't thought about what to do with the key. Slipping a hand into my pocket, I kissed it once, my last tie to Uesugi Eiri, and placed it on the mantel next to the door.

It was awkward, getting looks from passers-by as I made my way to the bank, and I expected them to throw me out before I could make a withdrawal from my account. I managed, however, and caught a bus to a place across the city from where Yuki was, desiring some distance between us to ensure I wouldn't crawl back to him so easily this time. I rented a small but chic apartment in one of the more popular areas of Tokyo, which offered less privacy than Yuki's apartment, but I almost wanted the neighbors to know who I was, because I was bound to get lonely living by myself. I settled in, the apartment making me feel suddenly small, and I put my things away before I broke down.

I suddenly missed Yuki with enough force to knock me to the ground in tears, my heart mourning the loss of something that had been the center of my universe for such a long time. I had poured five years of effort into our relationship, and all I had to show for it was a sheet of faded photo stickers and a handful of happy memories. I can't remember how long I cried, but it was early the next morning before I dragged myself into the bathroom to get cleaned up. My face was puffy and red, and my eyes were swollen to the point that it hurt to blink, so I washed my face with cold water and turned on the shower, scrubbing at my skin until it turned pink. I had the sudden urge to finish what I'd started with the sketchbook; after all, I was on one of the highest floors of my apartment building, and I could easily make it over the balcony. Before those thoughts could take root in my mind, however, I decided that I wouldn't want to hurt the band or my family by dying in such an embarrassing way, and the media stir would probably annoy Yuki even more than my previous exploits.

After a breakfast of the leftover pocky I'd brought from Yuki's apartment, I decided to go out shopping for the rest of the things I'd need for living on my own. I decided against buying pots and pans, though I had improved in the cooking department under Yuki's strict supervision, it wasn't by much and I didn't feel like getting food poisoning this early in the morning. I found an all-night grocery and bought a bunch of instant things I could cook in the microwave that came with my apartment, and picked up a dozen more packages of pocky, knowing full well that I'd probably need more by the end of the day. That finished, I wandered aimlessly, only having to run and hide once when a horde of screaming fans recognized me and chased me down the side streets around my building. I was happy with my choice in neighborhoods, and even though it was fairly crowded it seemed very nice and clean, and some of the clubs I'd spotted caught my interest. It even had convenient places to hide in if I should ever need them.

I returned to my apartment late that evening, packages in hand, and once I'd put everything away and exhausted the interesting channels on TV, I started trying to come up with what I could possibly do to keep myself occupied enough so that I'd stop thinking about Yuki. Eventually I resorted to counting the ceiling tiles and seeing what pictures I could make out of abnormalities in the plaster, but every picture I saw had a habit of somehow turning into Yuki, which only made me even more depressed. I wondered briefly what Ryuichi would do, but seeing as how I had no crayons, and wasn't yet desperate enough to talk to stuffed animals, I began thinking about Tohma. Perhaps there was a void in his life much like the one I had now that led him to creating NG Records. I thought briefly about what it would be like to create BL Records, but that only served to remind me of BLT's and sandwiches, and as I'd predicted, I then finished off the rest of my pocky.

I drifted for a time in that place between waking and sleeping, staring blankly at the static of my television, before I made a decision. Tohma was powerful, cold, and knew what it took to make it in the music business, but he'd made NG into an ant farm for his amusement. I was bored, certainly, but I wasn't cruel enough to turn a record label into my own personal reality show. Maybe this was the change I needed. I was looking for control, and wouldn't it be interesting to create my own new rival, much like Tohma had done with Bad Luck? It would fill the void that Grasper's retirement had left in me, and it would keep me occupied. Maybe starting my own label wasn't the answer, but perhaps I could start small by backing a band with talent.

Unfortunately, I was so involved in the music business, I knew what kind of talent was out there, and I knew there wasn't anyone who had the drive or dynamics that could possibly compare to Grasper or Bad Luck. I wasn't about to back a band that didn't have a chance at catching up to our skill. That would take all the fun out of what I wanted to accomplish. It took me until three in the morning to come up with a solution, but I wasn't sure it was one that I was completely ready for. I went over my options repeatedly in my head, but in my early-morning stupor I wasn't clever enough to come up with anything better, and as I had the tendency to latch onto an idea and never let go, my mind was made up.

Somewhere in the back of my mind I was terrified beyond all reason, and I knew that my actions were going to have severe consequences, both in the music industry and on my own mental health, but in my own masochism I found myself channeling Seguchi Tohma. I wanted to take this idea and play with it, stretch it and mold it and see how far I could take it. I wanted to take a band from the edge of hopelessness and turn them into an act so good, it would rival the best of the best, and I'd have to work twice as hard to stay one step ahead. I wanted to take these outcasts and give them everything they ever dreamed of, and they would owe their success to my own benevolence. I wanted to taste their victory as Seguchi Tohma must have tasted my own. I was going to resurrect ASK and make them into what they would have been if I'd never been a part of the picture.

I woke up the next morning upside-down in a leather recliner, disoriented because this most certainly wasn't Yuki's couch, but reality hit me like a sack of bricks as I recalled the previous evening. With those foggy memories came my plans for ASK, of course, and even though it made me feel a little bit sick, I knew I was going to go through with it, if only to prove to everyone that I was made of much stronger stuff than they thought. While I was on that subject, I wondered briefly what everyone thought of me. I mean, I was a whiny crybaby when I wasn't acting like I had Attention Deficit Disorder, and my moments of lucidity, which were few and far between as it was, didn't last or effect my decisions. I was selfish, often naïve, and completely obsessed with being the center of attention.

Everything about me was loud, my voice, my appearance, hell, even my mannerisms screamed “Look at me! Look at me!” Why else would I dye my hair pink? I craved the spotlight like Yuki craved nicotine and alcohol, and for the first time I wondered what he could possibly have seen in me. Yuki's a pretty quiet guy, and he's intelligent, two things which I can't seem to achieve, no matter how hard I try. We're opposites, and even though they supposedly attract, I don't see how he could have put up with me for so long. I was the bright pink stain on his pristine white life. It must have driven him nuts, having to attend so many social events with me where I would end up completely humiliating him one way or another. It must drive Hiro and Suguru nuts too, having to put up with me when I act like such a child. K probably doesn't mind my antics so much, if only because the more attention I draw to myself, the more records I sell, but that's just his agenda. With the way he's always pushing us into everything, he should go into drug dealing. At least that way he'd get to use his weapons more effectively.

Maybe that was the problem. I'd gone from living at home to living at Yuki's to crashing at Hiro's without once doing things on my own. Admittedly, the music thing had been my idea, but I used Yuki, Hiro, K, Suguru, even Tohma as crutches to keep me standing. I'd never once in my life been independent, and this constant reliance on other people for things to do, a place to stay or people to lavish attention on me had to have taken it's toll on all of my relationships. Maybe not being with Yuki anymore was the painful step I needed to take to grow up and get a life of my own. If I hadn't left when I did, I probably never would have.

During my period of introspection, I'd managed to eat the entire contents of my refrigerator and cabinets, and was surrounded on all sides by empty wrappers. I cleaned up after myself and went out to fetch more groceries, before scouring the phone book to find the address of one Taki Aizawa. I knew it probably wasn't wise to confront ASK with my proposition just yet, so I wrote down the number to save for later, and spent the rest of the day writing bitter songs of heartbreak and loneliness on the back of a take-out menu.

I spent the next week like that, breaking in my new apartment. After the first two days, I finally got it together enough to remember to call in sick to work, but I refused to talk for longer than sixty-seconds because I really didn't want to talk to Hiro, as he had a habit of gleaning things out of me that I'd prefer stay hidden, and if I'd stayed on the phone any longer K probably would have traced the call and tracked me down, dragging me back to work at gunpoint. From what I understood, Suguru was angry with me for ditching work without calling in, grumbling under his breath about the fine mess I'd managed make of my life, and Hiro worried over me like he always does. Of course, this was only what I could gather from brief phone conversations, but it was better that I stay away from them while I was getting myself together.

Suguru was probably right, my life was a complete mess, but that didn't mean I wasn't able enough to pick myself up and start over again. I was really going to do it, I was going to give my personality a complete overhaul, and when I went back to work I would be made up of stronger stuff than even Seguchi Tohma had been. I started making lists and organizing my apartment, and for the first time in my life I read something other than magazines, tabloids, or the occasional music book I used to pick up. I had enough free time to really apply myself to something, so I got interested in improving my memory and looking into what it took to start up my own record label, which became my eventual goal. I read a few books on poetry, but I had to buy a dictionary to look up most of the words, and with the way I was going it took me hours to read twenty lines so I gave up on that particular endeavor. I did want to improve my vocabulary so that I could write more profound lyrics, so I went into bookstores and picked up some of the classics. I gave up on those too, because the stories was so dry and my attention span is so short, but I managed to find a few books I liked, and looked for similar titles.

About two weeks into my little “vacation” I was halfway through a trashy romance I'd picked up when I put the book down to go grab dinner and I discovered the name on the front cover was Yuki Eiri. I briefly traced over the raised letters with my fingertips before I realized what I was doing, and I had to try really hard not to let the pain in my chest overwhelm me. It hurt that I gravitated toward him when I didn't even realize it, unconsciously selecting one of his books out of all the novels I could possibly have picked. It occurred to me then that I hadn't seen Yuki in two weeks, which had been rare even when I went on tour with the band, but in my mind I saw it as a little personal victory. It had been two weeks, and even though it still hurt, the pain wasn't as raw as it was before, and I was surviving. I was better than surviving, I was getting some semblance of a life together, and I was working harder and doing more than I ever had when I was with Yuki!

Two weeks stretched into four, and after that K told me the band was on hold temporarily until I got my “affairs” in order. I kept busy with random projects, and I started smiling more often, even when I was feeling down. I got so good at faking how I really felt that every emotion I managed to hide from the world gave me this fierce sense of pride. I was in control for the first time in my life, and it was exhilarating. I started going out to clubs after that. It was strange not having Yuki to come home to, but in a way it released me from my childish way of pretending that my life and my relationships were perfect. My world before this had always been sugarcoated, but the gauze that kept me from reality was finally gone. I saw deceit and lies and anger and bitterness in the people around me for the first time. I no longer drifted in a world where everyone was inherently good. I watched people with rapt fascination, adulterers meeting at secluded cafés near my building, thieves and prostitutes wandering the streets just after dusk, dark eyes and dark souls peering out from every corner of the world no matter the time of day.

I'm not saying I lost my enthusiasm or my optimism, because that wasn't the case. I merely found wisdom and insight to the nature of people, and I was slowly learning that yes, it was okay to trust in people, but I had to stay aware and choose who I put my faith in carefully. I found joy in little things in life, like the fresh smell of pork buns in a bakery down the street, or the way the baker would put such care and tenderness into every loaf of bread he baked that every little design was like a seal of approval. Can you tell I discovered a lot about food while I wasn't working? It seemed like I was eating constantly, trying new things every time I went out to eat, or picking up an old favorite to give me comfort when I was alone at home. It wasn't as comforting when I discovered I'd gained ten pounds, but that only led me to steel my resolve and get a gym membership. Hiro would die laughing if he ever saw me at the gym, all skinny arms and knobby knees, completely outdistanced by all the bulky people there, but I was having fun and staying in shape for when I decided to return to music.

By the end of six weeks the tabloids had picked up on my absence and had started rumors about Bad Luck breaking up, but K fielded everything in the calm, collected way he always does, which apparently had something to do with a hijacked news copter and a Smith & Wesson, but I appreciated it. My life was peaceful, when my fans weren't hounding me, and so far no one had decided to disturb me. It was nice and all, but I wasn't the type to let things stay quiet for too long, and one morning I woke up, got dressed, and found that scrap of paper with Aizawa's address on it. I was going to pay him a visit, and by the end of the day I'd know whether or not I had developed a hard enough skin to be able to cope with the new changes in my life. This was the first and hardest test that I would put myself through.

I took the bus to the small apartment building on the outskirts of Tokyo that had been listed under Aizawa's name. I felt faint as I climbed the stairs, and I pulled my coat tighter to my chest willing myself not to throw up all over his landing. I wasn't wearing my usual flamboyant attire, instead opting for dark colors, if only in an attempt to intimidate whatever was waiting for me behind that door by wearing something so out of character. It had been five years since I'd had to see Aizawa Taki, five blissful years where I'd been able to ignore my past and pretend that this man hadn't ever existed. “Why now?” I pondered briefly as I lifted my hand and knocked on the door. I knew I should have bolted in the other direction the moment I'd arrived here, but it was too late to run like a coward, tail between my legs, and besides, if I could handle this, I could handle anything.

Aizawa himself opened the door, hair mussed from sleep, and I couldn't help but notice his well worn t-shirt and jeans, or the muscles he'd developed over five years of having to work at minimum wage jobs that lesser men wouldn't have been able to stomach. If I knew Tohma at all, he'd have made sure that Aizawa had been reduced to a broken shell of a man, dreams shattered through his own desperate actions, unable to find jobs but the lowest of the low. This, however, wasn't what I was expecting. If anything, Aizawa was more attractive now than he'd been when I knew him all those years ago, taller, stronger, and more masculine, but it also appeared he'd been forced to learn humility the hard way. His hands were callused when once they'd been neat and manicured, and his eyes had more wrinkles around them than I remembered.

He froze when he recognized me, and any plans I'd gone over in my head for this first meeting had flown out the window. We both sort of gaped at each other, unable to think of what we could possibly say, and I felt like my foot was caught in the train tacks with the four o'clock speeding my way, right on time. The silence only made the situation even more uncomfortable, before he weakly managed a “Shindou,” and I stared at him with what I hoped was a face that looked less frightened than I felt. It wasn't until I heard a voice coming from back in the apartment that I managed to collect myself, but any organization I had was thrown out the window when Ma-kun walked into view, wearing only his boxers, in a disheveled state that matched Aizawa's as he inquired who was at the door. I blinked. It was the middle of the afternoon. I blinked again. This couldn't possibly mean what I thought it meant. Ma-kun walked to the door, and uttered the very same explicative that was repeating over and over in my mind.

What the fuck? Aizawa Taki and his former bandmate were together? I thought for a moment that it probably would have happened to Hiro and I if Yuki and Ayaka hadn't been in the picture, but the fact that the asshole who'd tried to ruin Yuki's career as well as my own was actually in a relationship with someone, and from the look of it a healthy relationship, was just too much. They stood next to each other awkwardly, and I watched in amusement as Ma-kun made a move to protect Aizawa from whatever horrible new thing my presence meant for their already messed-up lives. Aizawa seemed to shrink away from me, a painful reminder of everything he'd lost, as Ma-kun put a hand on his shoulder and looked at me expectantly. I couldn't help what happened next.

I laughed. I laughed longer and harder than I ever remember laughing in my entire life. They both looked at me in wary confusion as I held my sides and leaned against the railing for support, knees giving up on me as I sunk to the ground. After a few minutes, I managed to get myself under control, wiping at the tears in my eyes from laughing so hard. I stood up and regained my composure, and Aizawa and Ma-kun still stood watching me carefully in the doorway, before I walked over to them and told them I just wanted to talk. Ma-kun nodded, as though he'd been expecting something like this to happen, and led me into their humble apartment.

It was small, but serviceable, and it suited their needs just fine. Ma-kun led me to a small couch in the cramped living area, and the both of them left to “go get some tea,” which I assumed meant make themselves presentable and talk about my decision to stop by where I wouldn't hear them. I let my eyes roam the apartment, which was cluttered, but looked as though it was well loved. They returned a few minutes after that, and Ma-kun attempted to start a conversation while Aizawa tried to look anywhere but at me. We made awkward small talk as Ma-kun poured the tea, but once we all had cups in our hands I was tired of these bullshit pleasantries and wanted to get to the point.

Ma-kun seemed to expect this, and he listened to my proposition carefully, occasionally glancing over to look at Aizawa. I offered them a record deal with my full support that not even Tohma could interfere with, with a small company that I'd researched that wasn't affiliated with NG and was very interested in talented groups in a market that was currently flooded with wannabes that all sounded the same. I went on to tell them that despite past… unpleasantness, I was fully willing to let all three former members of ASK be a part of this project, no strings attached, and that I wouldn't require any fees or favors in the future.

I could tell Ma-kun was waiting for the catch, and Aizawa was still quietly listening in his little corner of the room, so I sipped at the tea and waited for their reactions. I was surprised when Aizawa was the first to respond. He told me that he deserved whatever punishment I had to give him, but that it wasn't fair to dangle something that Ma-Kun and Ken had wanted so badly in front of their faces in order to get my revenge. Our eyes met briefly before he looked away again, and he told me that despite what I thought, he'd changed, and he'd never bother me again, so he'd appreciate it if I left all of them alone. He paused for a few moments, the silence deafening, when he added a soft “I'm sorry, Shindou Shuichi.”

I didn't come here expecting an apology, but for some reason I felt like an old wound that had been lurking in the back of my mind finally started to close. Without realizing it, I thanked Aizawa softly, closing my eyes, before I opened them again quickly. So much of this visit hadn't gone as I'd imagined it, but they seemed as shocked and uncomfortable with the admissions of the last few minutes as I was, and the room fell into silence once again. Ma-kun left moments later, with the excuse that he needed to refill our teacups, which left Aizawa and I alone together. He kept his eyes glued to the floor, and I talked. I told him that the past was the past, and that my offer was genuine. I also mentioned the fact that what Tohma did to them wasn't my doing, and was more for Yuki's sake than my own. He looked up at me and replied suspiciously that it wouldn't matter what they did because those pictures would haunt them for the rest of their lives, but I let him know that I'd gotten the negatives and destroyed them personally, especially once NG was under new management and Bad Luck had become bigger than Grasper.

He asked me why, and I told him simply that I wanted someone to chase after me like I'd chased after Ryuichi, and that ASK was probably the only group that would have ever had the chance, which he seemed to accept. Ma-kun eventually rejoined the conversation, and we fell into a comfortable conversation, as though we'd been old friends and had only lost touch for a few years, as opposed to the harsh reality. By the end of the evening we all seemed to have come to our senses, and the uncomfortable air that had almost completely disappeared was back in full force. I got up when I knew it was time to go, and gave them my number should they make any decisions. I caught a train back to the station near my apartment and ate out that night, before returning to my apartment. There was already a message on my machine.