Gravitation Fan Fiction ❯ The Disasters Brought By Free Time and Neglect ❯ 07 ( Chapter 7 )

Hello, and welcome to the final chapter of this fic. Yeah, I was kind of surprised about that too, but this is actually the end. First I would like to say Gravitation and all things affiliated with Gravitation belong to someone who is rich and talented, of which I am neither. I think I'll save all of the boring author's notes for a little fellow at the very end, so to those of you who despise author's notes, if this fic is updated, don't get your hopes up. In any case, to those of you who reviewed, and even to those of you who didn't (I do that all the time, sorry everybody) I'd like to scream your name at the top of my lungs in the middle of a crowded square, but I'll settle for seven thank you's to represent my appreciation for each and every chapter. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!

 

Now let's bring an end to this circus act.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter 7

 

Shuichi hit the pavement like a hefty bag full of vegetable soup, and finally all of the pain he'd been feeling was gone, just like his usable internal organs.

 

Fuck You Yuki.

 

 

 

 

Sorry, I just couldn't resist. Here's the actual Chapter 7.

 

Chapter 7

 

Tokyo was on fire. It was as though I could see every ounce of life that was pouring up from the streets below, neon and concrete and people just everywhere, everywhere, living like they'd die tomorrow. I suppose that's the charm of it, the fact that if you're not looking, the city will sneak up behind you and change everything, and if you're strong enough, you'll keep going, keep changing, until whatever you were before is only a yellowed memory, lost in the pulse of the night. I watched the street below me in fascination, as though this was my own personal ant farm where I could reach in and stir things up and watch with pride as they rebuilt after my destruction. We're all people. We're all going to have the walls crumble down on top of us at some point or another, but we'll rebuild, we'll change and live and grow and forget, because being human is being able to charge through the fires of hell and forget just how the flames feel. I wanted to rebuild, I wanted to forget, but I was too caught up in living in my memories to ever escape them. I smiled to the people below. I wasn't watching the ant farm; I was just a delusional ant who liked to pretend that for a few moments, I was in control.

I closed my eyes and breathed in deeply. I was bleeding and drunk, and if the paper towels around my arm were any indication I was going to pass out soon anyway, but at least then I wouldn't have to see it when I hit the ground. The fact that I'd even been able to stand on the railing for so long only proved that my rigorous training as a teen idol had at least given me a good sense of balance. I opened my eyes again and clasped my hands together, bringing them up to my chest with a sigh. I wanted to smile. I was probably only waiting for someone to barge into my apartment to save me, and tell me that everything was going to be okay, but I really only wanted that because I hated being dramatic without a proper audience. Was it wrong that I was a performer to the very end? I supposed it didn't matter, it never really mattered, because people would mourn me for a moment before time took that away from me too, and everyone would forget and my audience would simply move on, move on to the next big thing to hold their attention span for the time allotted fifteen minutes.

What a sham, what garbage popularity is. If I were the type to regret, perhaps I would wish that I'd never been famous. Who knows what I could have become? I would most definitely have been poor, but maybe I'd have someone who loved me more than anything in the world. I'd be more than willing to trade everything I had for someone who would stay by my side until the very end. I watched my breath disappear in the cold air, and for a moment I could swear I smelled the smoke from a cigarette. I chuckled inwardly; it seemed fitting that my last thoughts would be of Yuki. I supposed that I owed him that much, at the very least. If only he could hear these thoughts, catch my happy memories of him, before I left him for good.

From behind me on the balcony, however, I heard a low voice telling me to hurry it up already. I jumped, whirling around, which was a feat without falling off the railing, and came face to face with Yuki. I suppose I hadn't only imagined the smell of cigarettes, and he stood leaning up against the thick glass doors, arms crossed, cigarette hanging from his mouth. It was such a Yuki thing to do, that pose, that stare telling me that I was an idiot even in the very end, and I thought briefly that this was how I'd always remember him, my perpetually grumpy, rarely affectionate, reclusive, abusive, yet still drop-dead gorgeous boyfriend. I stood up on the railing, feeling suddenly self-conscious, because this was Yuki, and I was being a jackass in front of him and if there was anything I'd always hated, it was being a jackass in front of Yuki. I couldn't come up with anything to say, but I suppose I didn't have to. He spoke up, and told me that I was too much of a coward to kill myself anyway, before he told me to get my ass down from that railing before I tripped and hurt myself. I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. What an asshole. What a lovable, oddly charming, asshole. I smiled at him, and he dropped his cigarette and stepped on it, crushing the small embers that had been left. Sometimes I felt sympathetic toward Yuki's cigarettes. He seemed to do that to a lot of people.

He asked me what I thought I was doing on a night like this anyway. I told him that I was trying to kill myself in peace, still throwing my smile his way. He told me that I was selfish. I told him that I knew that already. He told me to come down and I told him that I couldn't, so he glared at me and got out his lighter, fishing around in his pocket for another cigarette. I told him that smoking was going to kill him someday, and he smiled. It was strange, how easy it was to talk to him then, and suddenly my attempt at my own life seemed utterly ridiculous. I was miserable, he was miserable, we were the worst things that could ever happen to each other, but he made me happy, and I liked to think that on some level I made him happy too. I told him that I loved him. He took a long drag and told me that he wasn't stupid, and I laughed, suddenly overcome with relief and exhaustion, more the latter than the former. He asked me if I was going to keep him out in the cold all night, and I told him that I would if I could. He asked me if I was trying to pay him back for all the times he'd ever pointed out my own stupidity, and I told him that I probably wasn't smart enough to engineer revenge like that.

I asked him if he was going to try and stop me. He didn't speak for a while, but eventually he told me to do what I wanted. I nodded. I was tired. Emotionally, physically and spiritually tired, and I felt like I could have slept for years. I watched Yuki, smoke curling around him, twisted to look like a halo by the bright lights in my apartment, and I laughed inwardly at the fact that I often likened him to an angel, even when that couldn't be farther from the truth. I don't really know what I thought of Yuki. He went from hot to cold so much, I couldn't tell whether he was completely emotionless or so overwhelmed by what he was feeling he was unable to convey it, but either way it left me frustrated and guessing most of the time. He was impossible, but so was I. He was selfish, but again, I was guilty of that too. I loved him more than anything, and it hurt to see him in pain, and he…

I told him to tell me how he felt for me. He told me that what he felt wasn't what the problem was. I asked him if he loved me, and he flicked the end of his cigarette, scattering ashes to the breeze. I got no response, so I asked again. He told me he'd heard me the first time, and I said that he hadn't answered the first time. He looked straight into my eyes and told me that if my life was riding on what someone else felt for me, that I should jump and get it over with. I smiled and asked him if that was a no, and he rolled his eyes. I wondered if he'd ever tell me. I looked at him and said that it would be nice to hear, even if he'd only ever tell me once. He looked indifferent, and asked if I'd jump even if he told me. I said I didn't know. He put his cigarette out, and told me that the only one who should decide whether or not I was worth getting up in the morning for was me. I told him that I wasn't a morning person, and he replied that he knew that already. I watched, amused, as little lights started dancing around Yuki's head, before I told him that I was pretty sure that he loved me. He took another cigarette out of his pocket, and told me that I was probably right. I smiled genuinely this time, and told him that he wouldn't have put up with me for so long if he didn't. He asked me if I was going to come down, and I told him that I wouldn't. He asked me why, and I told him that I didn't know. He told me that I should at least know why before I went and offed myself, and I told him he was probably right.

I told Yuki that I was tired, and he said that he was too. I don't think we meant it the same way, but at that moment my vision seemed to only focus on Yuki, and I was too weak to puzzle out his hidden meanings. I felt warm, very warm, and I told him that I was happy that he'd come to save me. He told me that he was incapable of saving anyone, and I told him that he was underestimating himself, because he'd saved me so many times before. He laughed darkly, still living in his memories of the Yuki who'd shaped him into what he was. I told him that Kitazawa was gone, and Aizawa didn't matter, and really none of it mattered because we were adults, and I was sick of living my mistakes over and over again. We weren't kids anymore, we weren't invincible, but we weren't weak either, and all that mattered was that we were alive. As long as I was breathing I wanted Yuki to be with me. I paused, feeling silly. All this time I'd thought I'd been alone, but Yuki had always been there, always by my side. I was lucky to have him, even if sometimes I didn't realize it. I'd come into his life like a speeding locomotive, and he was the track that kept me from getting off course and killing myself, but without me, his life would be meaningless. I guess I just didn't understand it before. Even if he was too cold to say it and I was too stupid to figure it out, we needed each other. I told him that. He seemed surprised. He asked me if I was going to come down, and I nodded. I think I was finally ready to open my eyes and stop being so selfish.

Or at least I would have been, but I couldn't really see where I was going; in fact I couldn't really see at all. I guess I lost my balance then, but the last thing I can remember is that I was falling, and I saw Yuki looking really scared, before everything went dark. After that I can remember feeling like someone was holding me, rocking back and fourth, and my arm started hurting a lot. I saw some things in flashes, heard people talking in whispers, and sometimes they got really loud and I had to yell for them to be quiet. My head hurt, but suddenly I was moving and someone was carrying me, and I wondered if I had the chicken pox again because that was the only time I'd ever been to the hospital, and I was in the white prison of an ambulance and Yuki was standing behind me, calling something to me, and they were closing the doors and I didn't know why they were closing the doors because they were leaving Yuki behind and I started screaming because they couldn't leave him behind, he was important, he was my Yuki and if I had the chicken pox again I would need him to take care of me and they were trying to put something in my arm and it hurt, it hurt so bad, but I couldn't scream anymore and I think I must have fallen asleep after that because I just don't remember…

I woke up in the hospital, listening to the beeping and clicking and the sound of expensive shoes swirling around me. I felt kind of groggy, and it took me a little while to remember what I was doing here. Something about the chicken pox? I surveyed my body and didn't find any spots, or at least not until I got to my arm. I thought for a few moments that perhaps I'd only gotten chicken pox right there, so I tore off the bandage and was shocked to find a long cut on my wrist. There was dried blood all over it, and it looked like I'd needed stitches. How had that… oh. Oh my God. I sat up and threw my blankets off the bed. Yuki. I needed to find Yuki and tell him how sorry I was, tell everybody how sorry I was, and I wanted to tell Hiro and Suguru and K and Maiko and my parents and Ayaka and Tomoko and Mika and Ryuichi and Tatsuha and Tohma, I wanted to tell them all how I felt, I wanted to tell them all how much I loved them, and needed them, and how wonderful they were for putting up with me all the time. But Yuki, Yuki first, I had to find Yuki. I put my feet flat on the floor and tried to stand up, but I fell over when I discovered that they didn't have any feeling in them. I started to hit them because I had to get up, I had to find Yuki, and once the pins and needles set in and I could move them again, I pushed myself up off the floor and stumbled out of my room. One of the nurses at the end of the hall spotted me, and she started to walk my way, so I tried to walk faster but couldn't, and she was gaining fast. Panicked, I grabbed a wheelchair and kneeled in the seat, using my hands and one of my feet to push it down the corridor. She started running after me, but I was faster, and I jumped off and ran down one of the side halls just before the wheelchair crashed into the wall.

I hid in an empty room and waited for my legs to go back to normal, before I peered out into the hallway and took off running. It was funny; as long as I looked like I knew what I was doing, none of the doctors paid me any attention. I ran out of breath eventually, at which point I realized that I had no idea what hospital I was in or where I was going. Sometimes I wish I'd think of these things before I go and do something pointless that involves me wasting even more time. I resolved that once I found Yuki, I would make him help me buy one of those electronic organizer things. I felt kind of sleepy after that, so I opted to walk instead of run. I found the cafeteria at least six times, cursing my awful sense of direction, before I took a left turn and by chance ended up walking by the waiting room. There, asleep with his reading glasses on and a book spread open in his lap, was Yuki. I smiled, before opening the door, sneaking past the counter where two of the hospital workers were checking people in, and sitting in the seat next to him. I tucked some loose strands of hair behind his ear, and watched him sleep. His face looked pissed off and worried at the same time, and I smiled at him, hoping that he'd given the doctors and nurses hell while I was out. I yawned; after all I'd just spent the last hour running around looking for him, but he looked too sweet to wake up so I rested my cheek up against his shoulder and decided to take a quick nap.

I think he woke up before I did, but I can't really tell. Either way, I must have slept on him for hours, because it took that long for the nurses to find me. They burst into the room and started yelling at Yuki about hospital protocol, and he started yelling at them about the fact that I was trying to sleep, so I sat up and asked them to be quiet because this was a hospital after all, before I stretched and yawned cutely and asked Yuki whether or not it was time for dinner. I don't think anybody had the heart to keep yelling after that, because I know for a fact how devastating my adorable attack can be when used effectively. Yuki told the nurses to bring him the release papers, but they started hissing to him about the fact that I would need to sign up for counseling, and they started fighting again before I told the nurses that I just really wanted to go home. I was surprised that they didn't melt into puddles on the floor, but I suppose it was good that they just started doting on me instead. I asked them in a pathetic little voice if they could please bring me the release papers, and just like that, they were gone, racing to see who could be of convenience first.

I smiled at Yuki, and he raised his eyebrow and asked me what that whole display was, so I told him that it was easier to get what you wanted if you were nice and cute. He told me that sometimes being a cold prick worked too, so I just hugged him and said that it probably only worked that way if you were dashingly handsome. He buried his hand in my hair and sighed, and I snuggled up against him. I must have fallen asleep again, because when I woke up Yuki was standing in front of me with his coat slung over his arm, waiting to take me home. I wondered which home he was going to take me to, when he held out his hand to me. I took it and felt embarrassed and ecstatic all at once, and I hoped that there were people out there who loved each other enough to feel the same joy that I felt, even when they were only holding hands. He stopped me abruptly, and I wondered what was wrong, when he asked me if I was aware that my hospital gown had no back. I blinked. Perhaps now wouldn't be the best time to tell him about my hour-long search for him running through the hospital. I smiled, cheeks burning, when he sighed and draped his coat over my shoulders. For once in my life, it was really nice being shorter that Yuki.

He brought us back to his- our old apartment, in a strange car, and I asked him what had happened to his old one. He told me, annoyed, that someone had dropped a cell phone from out of my building and completely obliterated the windshield. I blushed crimson and told him that that was a shame. He didn't speak of it again, so I spent the remainder of the ride dozing in the passenger seat. When we finally arrived, he immediately led me back to his bedroom. I told him that he was a pervert if he thought I was going to put out right after I'd been in the hospital, and he glared at me, before throwing a pair of boxers at my head and snatching my paper gown away. I giggled and he grunted, but I could tell from his eyes that he was amused. I crawled under the covers and he leaned over me, kissing me gently, before asking if I needed anything before he went to go make some phone calls. I said no, and he went to get up, but I grabbed him by the sleeve before inquiring about whether or not the calls he had to make were particularly important. He paused, but then he left, and I was almost ready to start feeling sorry for myself when he brought his cell phone back into the room and sat next to me on the bed. Wearily, I sat up and pulled the blankets out from under him, covering him as best I could so that I could be right next to some part of his body. Before he started making the calls, I asked him why he hadn't tried to talk about what had happened. He put his hand on my head and said that I wasn't ready to talk about it yet, and I should get some sleep in the meantime. I think he called my parents after that, but I don't really know because I fell asleep to the soft sound of his voice, arms gently grasping his middle.

I was alone when I woke up, but breakfast smells were drifting in from the kitchen. It smelled really nice too, especially since I was unused to anything but Fruit Loops for breakfast because Yuki almost NEVER got up before me, and even when he did he always lived off of black coffee and a newspaper. I got up and padded into the kitchen, before coming up behind him and wrapping my arms around his middle. He'd usually have told me off for distracting him, but this time he didn't say anything, instead filling up two large plates with fluffy pancakes and bringing them to the table. We ate in silence, but it was only due to the fact that I had my face stuffed full of pancakes and Yuki was up too early to even attempt making conversation. When I finished, I got up and poured him his coffee, and I got some orange juice for myself. I was pleasantly surprised that I didn't even manage to royally screw up his coffee or trip or something else to ruin the odd peace that had fallen over the kitchen. It was kind of nice, eating a leisurely breakfast with Yuki, and so I settled down across from him and rested my head on my hands, watching him read the newspaper.

In general, I almost never read the newspaper; the words are too small and I have the habit of either reading the same line three or four times, or skipping around from article to article and confusing all the facts. This time, however, one of the headlines caught my eye and I snatched the paper from Yuki, which earned me a “What the hell?!” and an irritated glare. I wasn't trying to start trouble or anything, but the newspaper had gotten their headline wrong. It said “Bad Luck Releases CD to Record Sales,” which couldn't possibly be right because our CD wasn't due out until two weeks from now. I pointed it out to Yuki and tried to keep reading, until he grabbed the paper back from me and we succeeded in tearing it in half. I started yelling at Yuki to let me read something for once, but he got all stony and serious and told me that what I was reading wasn't something I should hear from a newspaper. He was scaring me. This had to be a joke. I asked him pathetically just how long I'd been in the hospital, and he took off his glasses and carefully folded them, putting them down next to the remnants of the newspaper before looking me straight in the eyes.

I'd been out for two-and-a-half weeks. Seventeen entire days. Hiro, Ayaka, Suguru, Ryuichi, Tatsuha and K had been at the hospital all the time during visiting hours, and the doctors eventually had to ban people from seeing me because Hiro'd caused a big scene in my room when he blamed himself for what had happened, to the point that Suguru tried to stop him but he hit the poor kid, so Tatsuha ended up knocking him out, which tore one of my IV's out in the process. Yuki didn't tell me how he'd managed to stay in the hospital, but that was Yuki's way, so I made a mental note to find out later from Hiro. I found out that Tohma and Mika had come to visit me too, and ASK had tried but Suguru went nuts at them and told them to get the hell out, screaming at them that they were the cause of my actions. When Tohma came in I guess he just broke down and started to cry, but he kept telling Yuki that he'd made me do it, and he'd known all about it, and maybe if he hadn't come and talked to me things would have resolved themselves on their own, but I guess then he started shaking me, so the nurses banned him from my room too. Yuki finished that up, bust I still had a bunch of unanswered questions.

I asked Yuki about my injuries, because last time I checked, getting a cut and passing out from blood loss wasn't the type of thing that kept a person unconscious for over two weeks. He told me simply that I'd passed while I was standing on the railing, and when I fell backwards he'd had to run forward and catch my legs. Because I was already over the railing, my whole body'd swung like a pendulum and I'd smacked my head on the side of the building before going as limp as a rag doll. I told him that it was pretty romantic that he'd caught me and pulled me up to safety, and he told me that I was a complete moron for not managing to fall forward when I'd passed out. He went on to say that the blood loss and the head injury, coupled with being exposed to cold temperatures with barely any clothes on and still being soaked from my cold shower had managed to put me in a coma until I woke up that night. I asked him why the nurses let me out, if I'd just undergone head trauma and severe blood loss, but he shrugged and told me that they figured running around a hospital for an hour constituted being healthy, but I was going back there today to get checked up anyway. I poked him in the side and told him that he'd used his “angry and violent, yet famous and attractive” powers to force the nurses to let me come home, and he didn't say reply because he knew I was right.

I asked Yuki to let me use his phone for a while after that, mostly because I had to tell a lot of people a lot of things, and I had a lot to apologize for. I called my parents first, mostly because they were my parents, and whenever something huge like this happens you always call your parents first, because they deserve to talk to you first. We had a very, very long conversation that was half them yelling at me for being an idiot, half them apologizing to me for not being there for me enough, and half them telling me how much they loved me, and how worried they'd been. Yes, I realize that I can't count, but that's beside the point. My mom cried, and my father may have but he's got the kind of voice where you can't tell how he's feeling over the phone, and I cried a little bit too and told them that I was sorry. Once I was finished talking to them, I had to talk to Maiko for another solid hour, but she spent most of it screaming at me. I just let her after a while, because sometimes all you need is just a good scream to make everything better, and once she finally got everything out of her system and calmed down, we actually had a normal conversation.

Well, not really normal, considering that most of our conversations revolve around squealing like little girls about music, movie stars, or sadly, make up, but we talked about things that weren't so superficial this time around. She told me about awful break ups she'd had, and I told her about how I was feeling when my life had sort of fallen apart, and it was probably the most I'd ever spoken to her. It felt... good. We talked about Yuki and my social life and the things that I was thinking about before I'd tried to suicide, and how I was being selfish if I thought people were better off without me, and about Yuki and about how this was going to effect my friendships, and we also talked an awful lot about Yuki. I told her that it was funny that she was fixated on Yuki, and she said that it was funny how I was fixated on Yuki, but I suppose she had me there. When we finally said goodbye, I thanked God that I had a sister as resilient, commanding, and yet somehow as reassuring as Maiko.

The difficult calls were next. Well, more difficult anyway. I called Hiro first, and it killed me when Ayaka picked up the phone and talked to me in that disappointed motherly voice, even though she didn't day anything other than “Hello Shuichi, I'll go and get Hiro.” He picked up the phone, but it was obvious that he wasn't in the best of moods because he sounded like complete shit. I could tell because I've known him long enough to pick up when he's upset. His voice sounded like what happens when you stretch a rubber band until just before it breaks, higher pitched and tired all at once. He didn't talk much, just listened, and I told him everything. Everything from the ASK ordeal to leaving Yuki, even some of the things I'd done that Yuki didn't know about. I kept telling him that it wasn't his fault, but I knew that he'd always blame himself. After a while he just couldn't speak anymore, especially the parts about how envious I was of what he and Ayaka had, and I had to start baiting him to get any reaction at all. Finally I got him angry enough to start yelling at me because he had a family and just because we were friends didn't mean he had to take care of and lavish attention on me all the time. I think he felt really awful after he'd said it, but I was glad to get the truth out of him. I told him so, and he sounded a little bit better. I knew that I couldn't keep him all to myself anymore, and we talked about that. It wasn't easy, but I eventually told him that I was going to seek counseling, (well, I was going to be forced to seek counseling) and that I'd sort out my problems when I got to that point. I was glad when Hiro forgave me, and after a few more awkward topics, I actually got to talk to him about our CD.

Apparently it was a huge media circus when I'd been admitted to the hospital again, and someone in NG's security office leaked the Tohma story at the same time, so when one of the nurses had told the press the nature of my injuries, everything sort of exploded. No amount of bullshitting on K's part could cover up a scandal like this one, and finally Sakano had to intervene. Apparently there was a ton of people who got fired for my sake, which I felt kind of guilty about, but not guilty enough to do anything about it. The tabloids were having a field day speculating over little details like Yuki's broken windshield, or how he carried me in bloody bed sheets out to where the ambulance was waiting. I thought it was kind of funny that Yuki had suddenly become either a big hero who'd saved me from an untimely death when fame became too much for me, or this sinister villain who'd made it look like a suicide in order to cover up abusing and raping me. In some of the stories apparently the Yakuza was involved, and my Yakuza lover had come to end my life because I knew too much before Yuki dragged me to the hospital. Either way, Hiro and Suguru had gone through the CD and put the final touches on all of our songs before releasing it right on schedule. Hiro told me it was partially a tribute to me, but they also did it to keep their minds on something productive while I was recovering. He also told me, in a small voice, that our song had beaten out ASK on the charts the very next day anyway, so my status as the king of the world wasn't being taken away just yet. I sighed, and told him that I probably overreacted a little bit, even though we both knew that not debuting number one was simply the tiny push I'd needed to combust, not the complete reason. I could feel his smile over the phone.

I talked to K and Suguru after that, and got lectures very similar to the ones that everyone else was giving me, but K's was more threatening and Suguru kept apologizing for “pushing me too hard.” I decided that one of these days I was going to hire Suguru a prostitute to loosen him up, and also to see the reaction on his face. Maybe for his birthday… I ended up talking to Ryuichi for a while, but that was almost frightening. It wasn't the cutesy, bunny toting Ryuichi; it was the dead sane Ryuichi that seemed to come out only when it was really important. He didn't yell at me; in fact I think he's probably the one person who could fathom my reasoning, because he told me that there were times when Tohma had needed to stop him from doing a flying leap off the deep end when they were touring. I felt kind of sorry for him then, because he'd found Tatsuha only after he'd had to deal with the fame for so long, and it seemed like I'd had Yuki to keep me grounded from the very beginning. Or at least as grounded as I'd let him keep me, but still.

I called Tohma after that, and had a very strange conversation where we both kept apologizing to each other. He told me that it bugged him to see Yuki so close to another human being, and I told him that it bugged me to see Yuki so close to another human being, and we both agreed to stop using him in our own personal game of tug-of-war. I said that I wanted a rematch against him where I could actually fight back, and he said that people with kids aren't allowed to be prizefighters, and I heard Tohma laugh a genuine, fall on the floor, clutch your stomach laugh. It was beyond creepy, but kind of charming at the same time. I think I realized then that Tohma wasn't the enemy, or this sinister bastard who played with people, but he wasn't this perfect, emotionless golden boy either. He was just another guy, another friend who cared a lot about the people around him, to the point that he'd be willing to sacrifice everything for them. I told him that he wasn't scary anymore, and he said he was sorry he'd lost his touch, but I replied that it probably went with becoming a father. He sighed and he sounded old, and I said I was sorry for all the trouble I'd caused and he said I sounded like a little kid, so I guess we're even for now. I really do respect Seguchi Tohma, because he is a good guy who watches out for us all in his own little way, but I'm sure as hell glad that I'm not him. Man, what was I thinking when I tried to emulate my interpretation of Tohma? Oh, right. I wasn't thinking.

Mika threatened me with a very painful death if I ever pulled something like this again, mostly because she'd be damned before she let Yuki back into her home to mope around, watch TV, smell up her bathrooms with cigarette smoke, and pine after me. I finally got the full scoop on what exactly Yuki had been doing when I was gone, and it made me feel all warm and fuzzy when she told me that he could barely function when he thought I'd left him. It was nice to be reminded that the bastard adored me, even if he was crap at showing it. I said my goodbyes to Mika and wished her luck with her two children (referring to Eiri and Tohma, of course), before I took a break for lunch while working up the nerve to call ASK. Yuki had been checking up on me periodically, because I could see his shadow falling across the light from the doorway, but for the most part he stayed out of my way. Besides, he seemed like he was in one of those moods where he's just come out of a period where he can't write anything, and suddenly he's got a thousand ideas running around in his head all at once. It was nice that for once he was the one who had to respect my privacy while I worked on something important.

I dialed Ma-kun's number at least three times, but I kept hanging up when I started feeling sick. I finally managed to get through, and Taki picked it up, sounding tired and annoyed, before I told him simply that it was Shuichi. He handed the phone over to Ma-kun because he sure as hell wasn't ready to talk to me, and Ma-kun sounded a little distressed. Before I could accuse him of anything, he started talking, scarcely able to pause for breath. He whispered apology after apology, before he said that they'd never meant to influence me into doing something like that. They'd just thought that with all my talk about wanting a rival worthy of Bad Luck, they were going to give me a chase I'd never forget, and what better way than to release our singles on the same day. I felt like a complete jackass. ASK was trying to give me what I'd asked for, and I blew it out of proportion. The rest of the conversation went much easier after that, and we all got our “I'm sorry's” out of out systems quickly, before we started talking about our music and things we thought we could improve and before I knew it I'd forgotten why I'd called in the first place.

I felt more normal than I'd felt in nearly five years. I had good friends, a dream job, a supportive family, and Yuki, who meant the world to me. Life was… good. Better than good. I started seeing a psychiatrist on a weekly basis, and Yuki even agreed to go and see a relationship counselor with me. Of course, we only saw her once, and Yuki kind of left in the middle when he started ranting about what garbage she was spewing, but it was a start. He'd do little things, like make me breakfast, or let me cuddle up to him when he was reading on the couch, and he even started taking me out on dates that weren't lame or rewards for being NG's bitch. Speaking of the couch, not once did I ever have to sleep on it after that. I mean, life wasn't perfect because I still drove Yuki completely nuts, but he never kicked me out of our bedroom. In return I learned how to stop whining. For the most part. And he was very impressed when I showed him my skills with meals from a box and/or bag. After a while, I finally got up the nerve to ask him why he'd gone to find me that night. He smiled like the cocky bastard he is and told me he was looking through the apartment for one of his papers, and lo-and-behold he found a messed up scrapbook under one of the couch cushions detailing all of the women he should have children with once I'd managed to kill myself. He hit me on the head and affectionately called me a “baka,” and I yelled at him because he was only supposed o have children with one of the girls, not all of them. Pervert.

I was more open in my relationships after that too, and for the first time I felt like no one was dumbing down our conversations, or babying me because my poor widdle ears couldn't handle bad news. My friends loved me, and I loved them, but we could finally be completely open about how we couldn't stand each other. Life had suddenly become real, in focus for the first time, and I discovered that just because reality seems boring, sometimes it's in that boredom that we find the things that make life worth living. I stopped living in “Shuichi-land” all the time, but to compensate I started making Yuki live outside of “I'm-a-selfish-prick-who-nobody-can-love-boo-hoo-land” too. It was kind of cool, because once we stopped focusing completely on ourselves, we started focusing a little bit more on each other, and let me tell you, the sex was fantastic. We were jumping each other like two queer rabbits in heat, and after two arrests for public indecency Yuki finally made me swear to only having sex indoors.

I wanted to tell you something wise and insightful about all the stuff I had to learn the hard way, but you can probably tell that that's not my style. I think I'd just like to say that life is stupid, and infuriating, and boring and awful and excruciatingly difficult and a thousand other things that make you want to jump off a building, but it just wouldn't be the same without all of those things. Sometimes the only way you can realize just how good you've got it is if you have to go through a little hell to get it to be that way. I thought I should tell you that Yuki told me he loved me yesterday. It wasn't all flowers and chocolate and candlelight, but that stuff's overrated anyway. Besides, what can you expect from a bitter ex-romance novelist? I think he's more into biographies anyway.