Gravitation Fan Fiction ❯ They Didn't Deserve the Pain ❯ Shuichi ( Chapter 1 )

Disclaimer: Nope, still don't own them… Damn it…

Author Notes: Believe it or not I turned this in for an assignment in class, a personal narrative, that's why it's all in first person, I know that's strange for some of you who have read my other ficcys, but, trust me, I hope this one is just as good as my others. Hell, my teacher gave me an A.

They didn't deserve the pain

There I sat in a corner crying and sobbing. I had screwed up and I knew it. Eiri and I had been lovers for about 3 years now, and I had never screwed up this bad. Eiri had been worried, sick to his stomach that something had happened to me.

Yea, something had happened to me, just not what Eiri had originally thought.

It had started out as a simple plan, hooking up Tatsuha and Ryuichi, the one thing Tatsuha had always wanted. Eiri was supposed to call me, and tell me he needed something right away and I was supposed to leave and get it. Leaving Tatsuha and Ryuichi to be alone.

I'm still not sure what made me stay and tell Tatsuha it was Eiri calling to say that their Dad needed him at the temple right away.

Maybe it was the child like innocence Ryuichi gave off, or the fact that it excited me to see the lust in my idols eyes. Almost immediately after Tatsuha left, the lust in Ryuichi's eyes grew stronger, brighter, and more intense.

There I sat, staring at my ice cream, feeling his eyes burning into the back of my head. Ryuichi's child like innocence had left him completely now, but he still clung to Kumagorou, I knew it was an act, but, when I heard the voice say to me:

`Shu-Chan, Kuma and I are afraid of the dark, can you walk us home?" I felt the need to comply.

I wanted to call Eiri, let him know I would be home a little later then I had planned, but Ryuichi stopped me.

"No need Shuichi, you will be home soon, no need to make him think something is going on." He had said grabbing my hand and skipping into the bust Tokyo streets.

I could only skip behind him dumbly. Following him to his apartment, where I knew something more then, a "Thank you Shuichi! See you tomorrow!" was about to happen.

That's when it happened, something I never thought would happen, though in a way I was suspecting it to happen.

The entire time however, no matter what was happening to me, I couldn't help but think of one person, Eiri. In the beginning I fought it.

"No Ryuichi, I can't, Eiri, no…" I remembered crying before being pushed on the bed in frustration.

"Ryuichi, I can't do this, please, don't." I begged him curling up in a ball at the corner of the bed. I was crying now, though I didn't understand if it was because I was scared, or the fact it scared me I was turned on.

Ryuichi blinked across the bed toward me, who was shivering and crying in a ball at the other end of the bed, He wrapped his arm around me; applying feather soft kisses to my neck. I knew they were supposed to sooth me, but it only seemed to scare me more.

"Shh, its okay Shuichi, I won't hurt you, not like he does." Ryuichi whispered onto my neck.

I shivered, party from pleasure, but partly from fear. I let out a soft moan, which I quickly regretted. My skin was always over sensitive when I cried.

Ryuichi pulled away and smirked. "See, I knew this is what you really wanted Shuichi," Ryuichi murmured softly into my ear, causing me to shiver again.

Slowly, he slid his hands along my arms, causing me to blush. I tried to push the hand away, but Ryuichi was stronger, pushing me to my back, straddling me and pinning me down.

"Don't make this harder then it needs to be Shu-Chan." Ryuichi said to me and I could tell he was frustrated. He leaned down to kiss me, but I turned my head away.

Ryuichi sighed and pinned my hands above my head, holding it in place. I squirmed the best I could, but I couldn't break Ryuichi's grasp.

"No, Ryuichi, I need to get home, Eiri is waiting for me." I cried out in desperation, but Ryuichi just leaned over a kissed me.

I started to cry again, knowing I could never win, the last thing I thought before giving up, "I'm so sorry Eiri."

And that was how I ended up in the situation I was in now. I wish I had fought harder or, refused to walk him home. I started to sob again; I hated feeling so dirty, almost tainted.

He remembered walking in that morning, seeing the worried look in Eiri's eyes.

"Where were you last night?" trying hard to hide the worry and slight accusation in his voice.

"Ryuichi's," I replied as if it was no big deal.

But Eiri knew him well enough to hear the fear when he said it, and Eiri also knew well enough not to ask the next question. He knew he wouldn't get a proper answer.

But Eiri asked anyway…

"What were you doing over there?" He asked scared but mostly suspicious.

"Nothing to much, sorry I didn't call." I had replied, turning away and heading to the bathroom to take a shower.

I couldn't even look Eiri straight in the eye, and I could tell he noticed. All morning I avoided his gaze.

I wanted to tell Eiri everything, tell him what had happened and have him tell me it was going to be okay and that he wasn't angry. Tell me that everyone makes mistakes, and that I shouldn't worry about not being perfect.

But that wasn't my Eiri's style. Oh no, he would wait until I finally felt so guilty that I would break down and tell him everything. Then he would ask me a bunch of questions, making me feel sick and guilty. Then there was always the possibility of me getting kicked out, again.

I started to cry harder then as that thought entered my mind. This could be the last few hours in this apartment.

For the second time in two days, I realized I could lose the most important man in my life. The one person who loved me, for being me.

I got up quickly and ran to Eiri, sobbing and collapsing in his arms. "Please, don't leave me, please Eiri." I sobbed burying my face into his shirt.

"What really happened at Ryuichi's Shuichi?" Eiri asked, not returning my embrace.

I sobbed out the while story, and clung to Eiri, as if I would fall if I ever let go.

I know Eiri did the first thing that entered his mind when I finished my story he pushed me away. I sat on the floor shivering and crying, afraid of the part I knew was coming next.

I answered all of Eiri's questions carefully and thought about what I was saying before I said it.

After a little while, Eiri decided it would be best if he went and stayed with his Younger brother, the aforementioned Tatsuha, for a little while.

He said I needed time to get my priorities straight and make up my mind. He said he also needed time to think about what I did and figure out if this was a simple mistake, or if I actually meant it.

For the next couple days I blew off work and sat in the empty (not to mention dark) apartment. I begged and pleaded for Eiri to come home.

Not ever thinking I was going to see my Eiri-kun again, I popped in one of the shows we used to record and watch together. See, Eiri is a romance Novelist, so he uses American Soap Opera's to give him some story ideas. Since I'm a pop star and I have such a busy schedule, he started recording them so we could watch them together.

I started to cry, because though I had picked a random tape, I had picked on of Eiri's favorite episodes (though he will never admit to it.) I just sat on the floor and cried, until I heard the click of a key in the door.

Even though my vision was blurred, I could still tell who it was entering our apartment.

I slid into his arms, no words were exchanged, but I knew he forgave me. NO one could be as happy as I was at that moment. The rest of the afternoon and evening was spent cuddling on the couch and kissing.

I couldn't help but think Eiri put it best,

"I think this was our first real fight, I'm glad its over."

My only problem now was Ryuichi. He wasn't just going to let it go, nope. He had to rub it in Eiri's face while he had been in Kyoto, saying things like, "You precious little Shuichi said this" and calling me a sex kitten.

But, I stuck to my same story and Eiri seemed to believe me. I told Eiri I had tried to call him and I tried to make Ryuichi stop just for him.

But for reasons unknown to me, Eiri was spending a lot more time in Kyoto.

Which made me wonder if he was sleeping with some girl as payback for what I had done with Ryuichi and the longer I thought about it. The more likely it seemed. How many "lovers" had he had when I had first met him anyway?

The words that Ryuichi spoke still echoed through my mind. "I won't hurt you like he does."

But, he loves you, even if there is someone else. She (or he) doesn't get to see him smile or live with him, do they? One side of me reasoned with myself. I was lying in Eiri's arms the night before he was supposed to go to Kyoto.

Yeah, but, its still someone else, the other side of me reasoned.

Maybe, he is just going to visit his brother and his sister, and his dad? I tried to reason with my other two sides. Hell, maybe he is sleeping with his brother.

….

Yeah, right, we all said at the same time, Eiri's relationship with his family is about zero.

Maybe, I'm just over thinking this whole ordeal. I reasoned with myself once again, snuggling closer to Eiri. That shut my other two sides up and I smirked at them as he put his arm around my waist in a protective kind of way.

I rolled over the next morning, I was kind of cold, so I was hoping to roll back into the warmth of another body next to mine.

But, I ended up rolling off the bed and onto the cold hard floor. I now kinda understood Ryuichi's comment about how you expect to roll into your lovers arms only to hit the cold hard floor.

Not that I'm his lover, I thought to myself and shook the thought from my mind. I got up and started to wander around the apartment. Thinking, maybe he just went into the study, to work a little before he left. He had told me he wasn't leaving until later that afternoon.

When I didn't find him, in the study, I figured I had just slept late and he hadn't wanted to wake me up to let me know he was going. I looked at the clock on our microwave it was only seven A.M.

He ran off to her… The evil voice in my head said. He only used you; you were only a toy, something that he could play with until he got bored. Remember when you first moved in, he said, "I guess the sex can stick around."

That's when I got scared; I had no idea what to believe.

No, he loves me, he said so, he trusted me with his secret, I protested to my "Yami".

But, I couldn't control "Yami Shuichi" and he ended up taking over. I accused Eiri of too much and ended making Eiri stay in Kyoto. One thing of which included me accusing Eiri of screwing Tatsuha, and he told me that he never had, not once since he had been there. That was not the smartest move I had ever pulled.

That first night he was gone, Ryuichi came over to keep me company. He brought Chinese food and we played Play Station and sang Karaoke. He told me there were no hard feelings about what had happened before and he hoped we could be friends again. That if we couldn't both he and Kuma would miss me. I forgave him, only because I knew it wasn't fully his fault.

On night two, I was alone; I ate Roman, and watched T.V. while working on a new song.

On night three, it was left over Chinese food I should have eaten on night two, and I was only a little sad. I was also kinda lonely.

By night four, I was wondering If Eiri and Tatsuha were ever coming home. (Tatsuha had moved in after Eiri's first visit to Kyoto.)

Finally, night five came around and I was positive no one loved me and everyone had run off to Kyoto, just to get away from me. I was lonely and scared.

I found the Sake Eiri kept for the nights he couldn't sleep because of his nightmares.

I grabbed a shot glass (or two) and drank a couple shots. I had a few more, and probably a couple after that, until I was completely wasted.

I was upset, scared and alone, I didn't get drunk that often and every time I had, or at least all the times I had gotten drunk alone, something bad happened to me.

I would normally just call Hiro or walk to his house but (like everyone else it seemed) he was in Kyoto. I didn't want to show up at the temple, not only does Eiri's father not like me More like, not approve of Eiri and I's relationship. Another thing I was worried about, what Eiri and Tatsuha were going to think if I showed up drunk at the temple?

I hated being alone, so I went to the one place I could think of where I would be safe. He was also the only person I could think of that was home at the time. So, I grabbed my jacket and headed over to Ryuichi's.

I don't remember much about that night, but after really thinking about it, this is what I came up with and put together. I passed out almost the second I entered the house.

I woke up covered in sweat, naked and tied to a bed. Ryuichi was awake next to me. I had a splitting headache and I hurt, both my head and someplace else.

Ryuichi smiled at me, and laughed softly as I pulled at whatever was holding my wrists to the bed.

"Ryuichi what happened to me, my head hurts and…" my sentence was cut short by Ryuichi's kiss.

"Nothing for you to worry about love." Ryuichi said, running his tongue along my cheek.

"What are you doing? We said we were only friends!" I blurted out, struggling with my restraints before passing out again, this time from a mixture of fear and alcohol.

I woke up the next morning, my head was still splitting and I was still tied to the bed. Ryuichi was curled up next to me, arms wrapped in a death grip around my waist.

I passed out again, trying to sleep off the pain, not to mention the remaining liquor in my system.

I woke up again, later that morning, with Ryuichi softly kissing my neck.

"Good morning Shu-Chan." He said, resting his cool wet head on my chest.

I flinched, I felt so sick. I felt like I was going to throw up and my skin was hot. I knew it was an intense hang over.

Ryuichi nuzzled his forehead against my bare chest before picking it back up, back to his sweet, Kumagorou loving self.

"Oh, poor Shu-Chan is sick no da! Kuma and I will make him feel much, much better!" Ryuichi cried out in delight, I flinched at the loud sound.

I was still tied to the bed, and various other objects for the rest of the day. I was also feed soup and given a lot of Advil and water.

When Ryuichi (and Kuma) finally diagnosed me well enough to go home, it was late that night. I had finally processed part of what had happened to me, the night before.

When I finally got home, I was still really lonely, so I decided to snuggle with one of Eiri's shirts to remind me of him. I know this sounds really corny, but, when I am on tour, he lets me take a shirt of his with me, so I can remember him, and though he doesn't admit it, he watches some of my Nittle Grasper tapes to remember me by. I felt safe holding his shirt, and warm and happy.

I remember that little that happened and not much else. I remembered him cutting me with a knife, I knew Ryuichi had been cutting himself, and it was as though he was inflicting the pain I was causing back on me. Every time I would wake up, (which I remember I did a couple more times) he would tighten the bonds on my wrists. I fought with Eiri once more (about the safety and stupidity of me going to Ryuichi's that night) before him and Tatsuha finally came home.

But almost the second he got home, he had to leave again. (Actually it was the very next morning, but he had the common decency to leave me a note this time.) Tatsuha was sick and their dad had no idea how to care for sick teenagers. His idea of care was, "I'll go pray for you."

Eiri however, got sick as well so I had both of them to take care of.

Since I could barely remember what had happened that night at Ryuichi's and also because I can't cook. I decided to call Ryuichi up to come over and help me make soup.

Eiri didn't seem too happy when Ryuichi came over, and he kept a very close eye on the two of us. It was like he didn't trust me or something! Well, in the few minutes that Ryuichi and I had alone, he asked me to call him "Ryuichi-kun" instead of "Sakuma-San." Boy, you can bet I was excited, and kinda embarrassed, but mostly excited!

When Eiri came back, Ryuichi said that he had to leave and I got the feeling Eiri was more then happy to show him out.

Eiri and I fought again then, and I could tell he was pissed off. He asked me what my game was, and I told him there was no game, swear! Ryuichi-Kun and I were just friends! Then he gave me an evil glare and said, "Who's "Ryuichi-kun"" and I blushed before responding with, "That's what he asked me to call him, Ryuichi-kun."

He acted like he didn't care, but I could tell he did. I didn't understand why though, but I had a feeling that he knew what had happened to me the other night and he wasn't too happy about it.

That's about the time I figured out Yuki was cutting himself. I was heartbroken, knowing I had caused my lover pain. I was scared, cause I knew he knew where to cut to kill himself. I cried myself to sleep that night, and though I didn't tell him I knew, I think he kind of figured, cause for once, he just held me all night, and when I woke up, he kissed me softly and told me he loved me, which is a big deal for him.

Well, after they came home and I was happy again, Ryuichi and I fought. I was worried about him and I told him I was he told me he didn't talk about his suicidal life to adulterers, which pissed me off. I told him he was part of the reason I was one and he told me something, which got me to say.

"Yes, we did it and yea, I enjoyed it." Which is not a good thing to say to someone determined to break you and your boyfriend up.

Which lead him to say:

"…So you did enjoy it, eh? Let's see what "Master" Yuki has to say about this little admittance."

Which is not a good thing, at all. Especially when he posts a entry in his Internet journal.

"Oh Yuuuuuuukiiii~!

Your Angelic little Shuichi just told me a secret.

…Wanna know what it is?

He liked my sex and not youuuuuuuursss~!

I love you, Shuichi, my little sex kitten. Come back anytime. <333"

That was not good. I got a reaction I honestly wasn't expecting…

Eiri broke up with me.

My world started to spin out of control and I had no idea what to do. I acted calm, and I tried to act like I wasn't concerned. Inside though, I was heartbroken. I didn't know what to do with myself and I was scared.

I tried to defend myself, by saying Ryuichi twisted my words and telling him the truth about what I said, but nothing made him change his mind. I was scared and sad and on top of all that, he was still cutting himself.

The funniest part about all of this was during that time I got really close to Yuki's brother, Tatsuha. He was a great comfort to me while life was spinning out of control. I guess people are right when they say you find comfort in the strangest of places. Tatsuha and I had a long talk and Tatsuha told me he didn't think Eiri would keep broken up with me for long.

I had moved to the couch now and trust me; the couch in Yuki's house is not comfortable. I had to live with it though, because, well, Yuki had insisted on me staying. (yay!)

I walked into work on Monday only to be greeted automatically by Ryuichi. He had apparently heard about my break up and was "So Sorry!" about it.

Huh, yeah, right. He was so torn up about it. I could see the lust, want, and need mixture in his eyes. I knew the only reason he posted that entry was to break us up. I couldn't help but resent him and push away his unwanted hugs.

That night as I was trying to avoid the apartment, I ran into Tatsuha, he and I talked for awhile about Eiri's suicidal tendencies and well, we decided that it would be best if we could find a way to calm him down. We talked for a long time and we weren't exactly sure how, but, we knew we had to.

When I finally headed back to the apartment, I went in a plopped on the couch, clutching one of Eiri's shirts. I knew it was going to be another late night for him and I figured he wouldn't catch me on the couch, snuggling with his shirt like I used to do when we were together. The sent of him really soothed me and I was happy that I didn't get caught.

Also, when I get back to the apartment, I find out that Ryuichi is in a "correctional facility." In other words, Tohma (Ryuichi's long time friend and Keyboardist of his band, Nittle Grasper) found his cutting knife. He is now in a correctional facility and well, its not all fun and games. I decided I was going to visit him the next day.

The next day I walked up to the "Correctional Home" and man, that place gave me the creeps. The only way I can think of to describe it is, you know all those creepy movies where the "crazy person" is locked up and in the padded room and handcuffs and stuff? Well, it was almost exactly like that, but worse.

The walls were gray and bland and the nurses didn't smile. The doctors looked like they could kill you in a second and something gave me the impression they had. The beds were metal, a cold dull silver color and most of the patients were handcuffed to there beds. The sheets were white, pure snow white and the patients (if that's what you really want to call them) were in white dressing gowns, which, as hard as it is to believe, where whiter then the sheets. There were no color in any of the rooms either, and if there was, it was from an occasional blood splatter on the sheets from the two tight handcuffs.

I almost yelled at Ryuichi, when I saw Tohma sitting in a corner, clutching a laptop and staring into space. I could tell he was worried about his dear friend's (and former lover's) condition. I only raised my voice tiny bit at him, telling him to look at what he was doing to people and look at the pain he was causing. I cried for a little realizing the fact that Ryuichi was in this place because of me, and then I left. I was crushed for the rest for the day, especially when I got home to realize.

Eiri and Ryuichi are finally getting along? Why couldn't this have happened earlier? That could have saved me a whole lot of trouble! The only thing I'm worried about is what they are getting along about. They are complementing one another on cutting themselves? Talking about how good it makes them feel? No, this is not what I needed them to be getting along about, nor is it the time I want them to be getting along period!

At this point, I have a mental break down; a serious and bad, mental break down. Everything is spiraling out of control and I can't do anything to stop it.

Tatsuha is drinking and trying to blame all this on him. Ryuichi and Eiri are getting along as… more then just friends and they are both trying to kill themselves? What the heck is going on here? I caused all this and yet I'm the only possible sane one here? This does not make sense! I have to do something to help someone! I try to convince myself this is a dream, some terrible nightmare I have to wake up form, but I can't do it. It's all to real to be fake. I've decided to take charge and I know I can't just do it to help with my guilt, but I have to do it to help Tatsuha, Eiri and Ryuichi.

The next night something terrible happens and for once, it's not my fault. Tatsuha tries cutting him self. He does it because of Eiri doing it, and he thought he would see what his brother and idol thought was so great about it. I was going out to dinner with Eiri that night (we had become friends again, kind of) and I got a phone call. It was Tatsuha saying he had tried it, cutting himself I mean and not to worry, he was okay. I was angry and got in the car, slamming the door and glaring.

Eiri only looked at me and put the car into drive and most of the way we drove in silence.

I made a comment about Tatsuha and he told me to shut up. I told him he would have to face it sometime and he yelled at me.

I was scared, not only because he was yelling but also because I had only seen him looked so worried in his life twice before, both the times I had gotten raped. He really cared about his brother and I could tell he was upset. I blamed myself and asked him to take me to Hiro's. He pushed me out of the car, on the highway and told me that he hoped I had fun walking.

I flicked off the car and yelled some nasty stuff at him, started to cry and turned around and started heading in the general direction of Hiro's apartment.

I was upset, he had hurt someone who had become one of my best friends so when he pulled up to me, telling me get in, I of course, wasn't quick on the offer. He finally told me if I didn't get in, he would hit me with the car. I got in, mostly cause I didn't want to walk down the highway at night by myself.

When we got to Hiro's apartment he told me that we were there and gave me a sad smile. I could tell he was either upset about me leaving or, was it possibly he was sorry for what he did. I guess I'll never know, cause I didn't ask, but I did tell him the real reason I was going to Hiro's. Because I had caused the hurt look in his eyes, I had caused Tatsuha to cut himself, no matter how much I could try to blame Eiri.

Eiri invited me to go back home with him and I told him okay, that I would respect the rules and sleep on the couch. He told me I didn't have to sleep on the couch, that we could share the bed, as long as I kept my hands to myself. I smiled, and probably said some goofy and embarrassing comments aloud, but what could I say, I was happy.

When we got home, I rushed into the bedroom I knew and loved, put on my pajamas and crawled into bed. I was so happy to be back where I was, back in the one bed I knew and loved.

The next day, I decided it would be good to force Eiri to go and visit Ryuichi in the hospital. He said all he that would happen would be him popping in and saying hi. I figured it would be good for Ryuichi to see him since they had been getting along so well. I told him I wanted to go too, and that it would be nice to see him, plus I wanted to talk to him privately. He had made some comment about us being lovers and I wanted to see where he got that idea.

Anyways, Eiri insisted on going aloe and told me I could go when he got back. He promised it would be a short visit.

He was gone for about four hours.

While he was gone, Tatsuha called and told me he was coming to visit again. Which made me really happy because, well, I liked seeing Tatsuha. I really got the feeling Tatsuha didn't like being in Kyoto all by himself, and though I try to visit him as much as I can, I don't think Eiri like me visiting him all that much. Its just Tatsuha is really mature for his age, and he is a great person to talk to.

That's about the point I realized I had a crush on Tatsuha. I know, I know, but what can I say, he kinda looked like Yuki and on top of that, he was really sweet.

A few days later Ryuichi called me, and told me with a little bit of lying, and persuasion by Tohma, he was out of the godforsaken hospital. I couldn't help but smile. I was glad he was out of there.

Tatsuha also appeared at our door and I was super excited, I felt kinda bad about some of the comments I had made, so I decided to taker him out for ice cream. We passed the place where Eiri and I first met, and I just walked by, almost not even realizing it was there.

At first it kinda scared me, cause well, it meant I was either a) forgetting Eiri, which I never want to do or b) was to hurt to remember what went on in that place. I just kept on and going with life.

I also had the brilliant idea to throw Ryuichi a party, and I got everyone to come. Ryuichi, Tatsuha and Eiri.

Well, while at the party we all got a little drunk, and started to play truth or dare. That was an… interesting experience…

Not only did I get drunk enough to accept a dare to striptease the entire group, but, Ryuichi and Eiri kissed.

And this wasn't just a little peck on the cheek either, oh no, this was like, hot passion fiery kiss.

With all that going on, I had another nervous break down, and well, this one wasn't to pleasant.

I got upset and I finally realized how much my fault this actually was. I had started it all by that one night with Ryuichi and I couldn't go through time and take it all back. I was so feed up with everything and I wanted just to go away for a while. I cried and Tatsuha was there to comfort me. I was so content and warm in his arms, and I just stayed there, for one night, I was the center of his attention.

I finally remembered my little strip show (for some reason in the beginning only Tatsuha remembered) and when I made a comment about I hope they all liked it cause it wasn't happening again, not for certain people in the group anyway, Ryuichi wanted to know if he would see it again…

NOT A GOOD THING…

Especially when he just got out of a mental hospital for trying to kill himself and he seems to be having an intimate relationship with your ex-boyfriend, who also seems to like him a lot.

A few nights later, Tatsuha and I went out, and I told him I had a crush on him. He told me "It's just a crush right? Crushes go away." That really hurt, he didn't like the fact I had a crush on him, and he wanted me to will it away.

I ran and finally ended up in the bushes near where Eiri and I first met. I fell asleep there and when I woke up, I headed back to my apartment. I got there and went to get in bed, hoping to talk to Eiri and maybe cry a little, and have him comfort me, but, he wasn't there. I knew he wouldn't go look for me so I searched around the apartment for him, until I found a note…

"Went to Ryuichi's, Eiri" and that was it.

He walked in the next morning almost happier then I had ever seen him. He was giddy and excited and I was really happy for him. I knew something had happened at Ryuichi's but I figured it wasn't my business to ask, so I left it alone.

He went to the study and worked the rest of the day but, there was something different about it, it was a more positive atmosphere around the apartment that day and I wasn't about to complain.

Later, there was a party, a party celebrating Tohma's birthday, and don't ask why it was a sleepover, or why I was invited. Anyway, I was so rude to both Eiri and Tatsuha, I couldn't eve believe it. I felt so bad, but Eiri would accept my apology.

WE played a game called "Honey, do you love me?" and if you smile at whatever they do then your supposed to be it. Eiri had tried everyone but me, so he comes up to me and ran his hands along my side through my hair, all the things he used to do to make me smile.

I couldn't help but lean back into his touch and close my eyes, when I heard, "Honey, if you love me please smile." I hesitated before answering, I missed the feeling I was getting right then, but I knew if I hesitated to long then, he would stop and call me a pervert, so I responded with, "Honey, I don't love you, I can't smile." And a mumbled, "Good" was my only response.

The reason I was so mean to them was because I was jealous, I was so bitterly jealous of the fact Tatsuha was giving all his attention to Eiri or was it vise versa? I never did figure that out. All I knew was, it was like I wasn't alive or something and I hated the feeling. I hated being so alone right then and there.

On top of that, Tatsuha was being rude too! I couldn't help but ask during truth or dare what Eiri did with Ryuichi. He said it was none of my business but I wanted to know! I didn't even find out until later, much later.

I go to talk to Ryuichi, find out if he is really in love with Eiri and he says, "Well Shuichi, I fulfilled your deepest wish, now will you love me?" and I asked him about Eiri, he said something along the lines of, " Ahh, do I love him, who's wish did I really fulfill? I think you know the answer love, I think you know the answer." I was so scared, I asked him to show me that he loved me, and he did. He told me exactly how he felt and I knew it was love.

But, I didn't want to give up on Tatsuha; I couldn't not when he was starting to love me too. I just couldn't do it, plus not after he hurt Eiri the way he did and I did one of the hardest things I ever had to do.

I turned him down.

That's how my next and final set of problems started to occur. Ryuichi tried to kill himself again.

Only this time, he almost succeeded. In his suicide note he referred to me as his forever angel. Telling me that he would always love me, and apologizing for hurting everyone. He said he was taking his life in payment, and that we shouldn't worry about him.

Fortunately, he only went into a coma, luckily, Tohma found him in time to save him.

Once again this was my entire fault. I hated myself and I was afraid to go visit him in the hospital. I was scared that, maybe he would wake up and tell me he hated me and that he never wanted to see me again, maybe, just maybe, he would hate me enough to get me kicked out of NG, my recording company. Maybe I would find to much out about what had happened between him and Eiri and maybe, life would get to complicated, more complicated then it already was.

I spent almost that whole night and day crying, and telling Tatsuha about it. After telling Tatsuha, he told me, he didn't love me and never would, so I should give up.

I was crushed; I had denied Ryuichi, whom I had always liked, for him. Just to hang on to him for one day, one day. Telling me all this stuff and bringing my hopes up then dashing them.

I ran then, I ran to who knows where and I ended up at the hospital. I sat next to Ryuichi, while Tohma glared at me, and spit out my inter story, my whole apology and well, for some reason; I had a strong feeling he forgave me. Though he lay there and yes, he looked very peaceful while he slept, I couldn't help but steal a quick kiss before leaving.

I actually had a really long talk with Eiri when I got home, even though I knew Ryuichi wasn't one of his favorites subjects, he still tried to help me figure stuff out best I could. He even held me when I cried. Which was really nice. I told him everything about, Tatsuha, Ryuichi and him, how I should have told him, not Tatsuha.

He told me not to worry, there were more important things in life, and that he hoped I was there to catch him when he fell.

I told him I was sorry for all the shit I did, and that, no matter what he would always be special to me, forever, and well, I promised him I would catch him best I could.

When Ryuichi woke up, he wrote a letter to me, I had told him I wanted to date him and that, I was willing to fully forgive him, if he was willing to forgive me. And both of us promised we would. I had to prove I loved him first and show him I would take care of him. He then after I did that for him, accepted my date.

Life has been pretty boring since then; the only thing that makes me smile is the fact that Eiri kinda misses me. Which in a lot of ways makes me happy.

I bet you this isn't how you thought the story would end up, huh? With the one who raped me being my new lover. I bet you were all pulling for Eiri and I to hook back up, thinking what a happy couple we were. Or maybe some of you were even pulling for Tatsuha and I, but they both ended up alone.

But you know what I think? I think I should have been the one to end up alone in this world, because, none of them deserve the pain. It was I, me who deserved to take the fall and feel their pain; it was me, who, in the end of this whole mess, should have been the one with the hurt and heartache. It should have been me in that hospital, not Ryuichi, me. I should have ended up dead inside.

Yet, here I am, still living and breathing, still alive on the inside and still, slightly full of hope.

I only hope, I can be there to catch the others when they fall now, better then I was before. And I can only hope they will catch me…

When

I

Fall.

~Shuichi

Shindou~