Gravitation Fan Fiction ❯ Truth behind the lies ❯ Blurred memories ( Chapter 2 )

Disclaimer: I don't own gravitation… waaah! I wish I did!

Warning : OOC-ness (angsty!shuichi), yaoi (c'mon, it's gravitation!)

Pardon any mistakes at spelling/grammar, I'ma Indonesian Fanboi so my English kinda suck.

Lots of flashbacks in this chappy… words with italic are flashback.

 

Enjoyyy…

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000Violet eyes widened in confusion, narrowed slightly by the light that captivated him. He tried to look straight to the blinding light, but failed miserably. He closed it for a brief moment and when he opened his eyes again, a tall, familiar figure standing proudly in front of him. Golden eyes staring with total confidence, lips curved to a tiny smile while strong hands rest on board chest. He knows it too well, and he cursed himself for it. No matter how hard he tried to erase the memories of this man from his heart, he remained still. Because deep inside, he knows he still love him. He still loves Yuki Eiri.

“Hi there, Shu-chan.” The blonde whispers slowly, hand traveled to cup the younger man's cheeks. The stunned man could barely breathe when those hands lightly touch his cheeks, down to his jaw and collarbone. Amethyst eyes closed in content when the novelist's lips brushing his over sensitive ear, ever so slightly licking the lobe.

Shuichi couldn't help but moan at the soft caress, earning a chuckle from Yuki. He's about to stroke the blonde locks with his right hand when suddenly Yuki's voice stopped him.

“You're so easy to giving in,” the voice said in mocking tone. Shuichi's eyes snapped open, violet eyes gazed the other man's smirking face. The hands that rest on the pink locks stopped their ministration before Yuki spoke again.

“Good pet. But you're nothing for me now.”

The voice said the words like it's the sweetest things in the world. Yuki give him a small peck on the lips before turn around and walk away with small hands wrapped around his waist.

Tohma…

…ichi!

How could he do this to me? Why?

Shuichi…

If I'm not good enough for him, then he can just tell me!

“Earth to Shuichi!!! Wake up, na no da!!!”

Small body shake ever so slightly before long eyelashes fluttered open, revealing amethyst orbs glimmering with unshed tears. Shuichi gazed over his surrounding when trying to catch his breath in shallow pants. Four ocean-blue walls surrounded him, who lying breathlessly on a king sized bed with pale purple sheets. When his eyes lock to the familiar face of his idol, he let out a relieved sigh and lay back more comfortably when the older man stroke his now raven locks lovingly. Since he decide to leaving Japan and go to USA with Ryuichi 2 years ago, he changed his style completely so no one can recognize him as Shuichi Shindou.

Because Shuichi Shindou is die.

Since 2 years ago, when Yuki totally crashed his heart, he buried everything about Shuichi Shindou deep inside his heart. All about Yuki Eiri, NG, Bad Luck… except about Hiro, Suguru and Ryuichi. They're so precious to him, so there's no way in hell he can forget them. Or tried to forget them.

However, no matter how hard Shuichi tried to erase Yuki from his memories, the young novelist keep remained in his mind. Every time, when he looks at blonde hair—which common here `cause it's USA—flashback hit him immediately. He practically remember the time when Yuki throw him from their—his apartment, when he cling to Yuki like a koala when begging to take him for a date, when he cried over silly thing, when he and Yuki have a fight, all the good things and the bad things, and the worst thing—when Yuki kneeled atop Tohma, who lying breathlessly under him.

The later always be a nightmare he had to face every night.

So when he leaves Japan, Hiro continued his career as a doctor—as his parents wish. And Suguru continued with his school, since the boy dream to be a professional keyboardist like his cousin… his evil cousin.

No one knows what exactly happening between him and the novelist, except Hiro and Ryuichi. He won't tell Suguru not because he distrusts him, but because he doesn't want to crush the image of his perfect cousin.

Think about it again, it's funny to know that it's Ryuichi who know it first than Hiro. A soft smile lingering on his rosy lips, and his heavy eyelashes start closing again when he replaying the memories of that time…

Rain fall mercilessly to the earth, doesn't care about the small figure that shivering from the cold. The figure, lithe body shaking uncontrollably when pink hair wet from the rain, wrapped his arms around his body to warm himself up. But with the lack of clothes—a blue tank top with small half-sleeve jacket that barely reach his navel and pink leather short, it's almost useless.

His violet eyes gazed the city lazily, forced himself to still awake when all he wanted to do is sleep. But he won't, because he afraid he can't woke up anymore.

For what it seems like eternity, when his eyelashes feel so heavy and he readying himself to face uncomfortably slumber, a lithe hand brushed his bangs that covering half of his face suddenly. He looks up and more than surprise to see wide, innocent eyes staring at him with pity and concern in it. He forced a smile to form on his blue lips before finally give up and closed his eyes. He feels warmth surrounded him when he stumbled instead of the hardness of the road, before everything turns black.

 

The sudden sharp intake of breath is enough to tell the boy's awake. Ryuichi rushed over his side, holding a small bowl on his little hands. He stare at his favorite boy who seems startled over his surrounding, and with a tap on his shoulder, he speak up.

“You're in my house now, Shuichi.” He said in more serious tone. It seems startling the boy a bit, and he looks up rather uncertainly until he can see his idol's face through half-wet bangs.

“Sakuma-san?”

Hearing this, Ryuichi turn chibified, leaving his serious mode. He pouted cutely while put the bowl on the nightstand before sitting on the edge of the bed where Shuichi lay.

“Ryu already told shu-chan to call him Ryu-chan instead! It makes me feel old!” the green haired male said, “Or if it's better, you can call me Ryuichi!”

The pink haired singer let out a tiny smile for his idol's antic. It's enough to make Ryuichi relieved, thought. Because at least, he can make Shu-chan happy and it's a real smile, not a forced one.

“Sa… Ryuichi, why am I here?” the young singer asked, breaking the rather uncomfortable silence that surrounded them before.

Ryuichi tilted his head to the side in a cute manner, as if he's confused.

“What're you mean, Shu? Don't you remember what happen to you? What's the last thing you remember na no da?”

“The last thing I remember…” Shuichi tried, but immediately stopped. The last thing he remembers is Yuki thrust violently to Tohma's body, two pairs of eyes staring at him mockingly. And the harsh words Yuki said…

“I don't love you.”

No, he won't tell his idol that. Maybe Ryuichi will believe him, but he's Tohma's best friend and band mate. He won't break Ryuichi's image of Tohma, he will not caused anymore pain to anybody else.

“It's okay, Shu-chan.” The understanding tone of his idol's voice brought him back to reality, and before he knows it, Ryuichi's soft hands flew to wipe his tears. Since when he'd been crying?

“I won't tell you to tell me what exactly happening. But don't scare me like that again, Shu-chan! I almost pee in my pants when I see you fainted!”

Shuichi's eyes widened in surprise, “I… do?”

Green hairs bobbed up and down in agreement. “Yup! I was looking for Kuma's new outfit `cuz he had to attend a tea party tomorrow when I see you curled up on the corner of dark alley! At first, I'm not sure it's Shu or not, but when I see your pink locks, I recognize it immediately.” The older man explained, “So I asked you what's wrong, but instead of answer me… you're collapsing.”

More concern flashed over wide blue eyes, and Shuichi forced his lips to curve a smile before saying softly, “Thank you.”

It's seems to satisfy the singer, and he pull his hands off Shuichi's heart shaped face. “Anytime, Shu-chan. Anytime…”

“Ano, Ryuichi…” Shuichi found himself asking, “How long have I been here?”

“Ummm… 2 hours? I dunno either.” The idol replied, “Why? You want to go home now? I'll call Yuki-san. Or do you want me to drive you there?”

At the mention of his lover's name, Shuichi's eyes squeezed shut. The older man seems to notice—but instead of asking him what's wrong he ignore it. Shuichi will tell him sooner or later, and he won't force him to do that. He knows whatever happening to him is something bad, and he needs some time alone to heal his broken heart.

Shuichi smile again, amethyst eyes full of pretend happiness. “No, it doesn't necessary. But can you do me some favor, Ryu?”

The green haired guy's ears perked up at this, and he nodded excitedly. “Sure! What is it, Shu?”

“Can you find me some place to live?”

“What are you smiling about, Shu-chan?”

Ryuichi's soft voice broke his train of thought, and Shuichi tilted his head to the side to see his idol's eyes full of concern.

“Nothing, Ryu-chan…” since 2 years live with him, Shuichi found it more comfortable to call him Ryu-chan instead of Ryuichi. Otherwise, the older man always insists him to do that, though.

“I just… suddenly I remember the time you found me. I'm really glad you did that, Ryu-chan. `Cause if you're not, I maybe die now…”

Blue eyes widened in surprise and slight anger when he heard his friend's words. He can't blame him, though. It's true, if he doesn't found him that night… if he already too late to save him, there will be no Shuichi anymore.

I'm tired…

Those words keep replaying in Shuichi's mind; chanted repeatedly like a mantra. It's been two weeks since Ryuichi found a place for him to live, and his broken heart still not healing. He's lucky the small apartment is far from Yuki's… cause if it's not, he maybe give up now. Thinking about it again, maybe that's what he going to do. Giving up…

Ryuichi come to his apartment at least twice a week to make sure he's okay. And when the idol's arrived, he always forced himself to smile, to fake a laugh and pretend to be happy. It's harder than it seems, but he managed it. He won't caused anyone problem, he keep told himself that.

When he quit Bad Luck, Hiro and Suguru are more than surprise. Especially Hiro, `cause he knows the boy's dream is to be a legend, like his idol Sakuma Ryuichi. But when they see the sadness on Shuichi's eyes, they let it be. They quit Bad Luck too, `cause there's no way they can move on without their lead singer. Shuichi already insisted them to stay and found another singer instead, but they refused.

“We won't make music anymore without you, Shu. `Cause it will be never be the same—Bad Luck without their leader singer is nothing.”

Shuichi remember his friends said, and that's enough to accompany him in his sorrow. But now he's tired… really tired. He can't take it anymore—the memories, betrayal, the evil laughter that echoing through his mind, the cruel smiles… it's just too much. He really loves Yuki, and now he knows that the novelist doesn't… there's nothing left for him to live for. And that's mean he had a reason to die for…

Violet eyes widened in realization. That's right! If he can't be with Yuki… then he can't see him with another man either. He stood up from his small bed; his feet carried him to the tiny bathroom on the corner of the apartment.

When he arrived there, he saw his own reflection on a small mirror that nailed on the wall. He can't recognize it anymore… what he'd become? Where's his once gleaming eyes, where's the happy glimmer on it? It's funny how the words can broke him completely… the pink haired boy let out a dry laugh at that.

Now he's turn pale, like a living dead. His violet eyes darkened, empty, emotionless… but he doesn't care anymore. What's the point of looking good if he's about to die anyway?

He produced a razor blade from the small box under white marble sink, hold it with the tip of his finger as he stare at it admiringly. This tiny thing is his savior—the hero that will take him to the place with no pain. With it, he will be numb and he can forget Eiri… he finally can sleep in peace knowing he will not wake up anymore.

He let small smile formed on his dry lips before heading to the bath up, setting the water warm and sink into it. He doesn't bother to take his clothes off, it will be embarrassing to found naked in your death. And he doesn't leave a note either—he knows from the film if someone commit suicide, they will leave note to someone first. What's the point of doing it if he knows no one will found—or tried—to found it? He doesn't have anything now, except the reason to die. Hiro and Suguru, they deserve to happy… so he will never bother them anymore. Ryuichi too, he won't be a burden to him. And Yuki… if he can't love him back, then he'd rather die.

With the last thought of his ex-lover, he slit the razor slowly to his wrist, watching in amazement when the skin turns even paler before the crimson liquids formed on the bruised skin, slowly start pouring. It will be beautiful… drowning in a pool of pink. He loves pink.

He do it again, added more pressure this time. Another slash followed by another, and he do the same thing to his other wrist. When his breath come in shallow pants and his head feels dizzy, he stopped his action.

YUKI

The name curved in his wrist before he realizes it. Tears formed on the back of his eyes again, and he took a deep breath before his eyes closed—hoping it's the last breath he will ever take.

“Ryu-chan? What's wrong?” Shuichi asked uncertainly when he saw his idol cry. The said man turned his head to his direction, watching him through puzzled eyes. “Hm? What did I do? Nothing wrong… oh!” Ryuichi grinned sheepishly while wiping the overflowing tears from his blue orbs, “I don't know why I'm crying, Shu-chan! I just… remember that time again.”

Shuichi smiled. “It seems like we have the same flashback, ne?” the younger man said in teasing manner. “But don't worry about it, Ryu-chan. I'm here now… I won't leave anymore…”

Ryuichi hummed happily to himself as he listening to the soft sounds of the car's engine. He's on his way to Shuichi's apartment—he doesn't know why, but he felt sudden urge to meet the younger boy. Finally the rather huge, glorious building—where Shuichi's apartment was—could be seen, and he let out a happy squeak before ordering for the driver to drive faster. The old man replying with a nod, and in a few second, Ryuichi throw himself to elevator.

124…125…126… here it is!

The green haired man knocking the door—soft but could be heard.

After knocking a few times and still doesn't get any answers, Ryuichi decide to shouting and pounding on the door. The effects still the same—despite the protest from Shuichi's neighbors.

He finally produces a key from his breast pocket—concern flooded through his brain when he thinks about the possibilities. Maybe Shuichi is hurt… but he reassuring himself that the pink haired boy just falls asleep or in the shower.

His gaze fall to the empty room, there's no sign of Shuichi there. He walks toward the other room—panicked—and stop dead in his track when he saw pink liquids flowing from bathroom…Could it be?

Ignoring the voice on the back of his mind that saying those are Shuichi's bloods, mixing with the plain water—he run away as he could to the bathroom.

Blue eyes widened when it falls to the sight before him… Shuichi, drowning in marble bath up, pink liquid surrounded him—there's some falls to the floor too. The boy' body buried completely to it, just a few strands of pink hair peeked from the water's surface. Ryuichi slid down to the cold floor, afraid, concern, pain, hurt, concern—he feels it all—his emotion blending in wide blue eyes.

After took a deep breath he stood up, once again ignoring the part of him that saying Shuichi already died… Shuichi is gone…

NO!

“Shuichi, Shuichi… wake up!” the older man said, dropping his childish façade. He press his ear to the boy's chest—since his wrist bruised brutally while searching for his cell phone from his backpack. He let out a relieved sigh when he hears the faint sounds of the boy's heartbeat… thanks god it's not too late.

After calling for ambulance he hold the boy bridal-style, put him to the bed gently while pressing his ripped clothes to the boy's wrist to prevent anymore bleeding.

YU

He saw the two letters on the pink haired singer's left wrist, and the instant he realize it, he turn around to examine the other wrist.

KI

YUKI…

He should know there's something wrong between them. He already promised to himself and Shuichi that he will watch over him… and he failed. Guilt forming on his heart, squeezed his chest tightly he almost cry in agony. But he won't cry, he'll be strong for both of them.

“I'll protect you, Shu-chan. And when you wake up, you better have a good reason why you do this…”

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Ryuichi choked back a sob, earning a concerned look from the younger male. He feels small hands reaching for him, cupped his face softly before brushing the green bangs that hide his eyes.

“Don't cry, Ryu-chan, please don't cry…”

Even when the raven haired say so, tears still pouring from his closed eyes, along with the boy's own tears.

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He never felt this way before—the fears—it just too much for him to handle. It's been 2 hours since the doctor dragged Shuichi to ICU room, saying he's on comma now. It's been 2 hours since he'd been crying, blaming himself for all of this. He already called Hiro, and the red haired guy probably on the way now. Ryuichi decide to just call him, he doesn't call Tohma and Eiri because whatever happen to Shuichi, it has something to do with them.

2 weeks ago, He was surprised at first when he heard Shuichi quit bad luck—which lead to the band's dispersal anyway. When Shuichi said this to Tohma, he saw hatred clouding on the boy's violet eyes—even if Shuichi tried to hide it by faking a smile. But he doesn't bother to ask the boy why, he keep told himself Shuichi will tell him if he ready.

But now, he will forced Shuichi tell him what exactly happening, whether the boy wanted to or not.

“Sakuma-san!” he heard someone' voice called, and tilted his head to the side to see Hiro kneeled in front of him. The red haired doctor still trying to catch his breath, asking him what happen to Shuichi between shallow pants.

“He… he tried to commit suicide.” Ryuichi answered sadly, wincing at the bitter taste as the words flew from his lips.

Grey eyes widened, Hiro looks into the other's watery eyes before whispered softly, most to himself. “No way…”

Ryuichi hold the other male' shaking body, kneeled in front of him to give the poor guy comforting embrace. He feels Hiro gripped his shoulder tightly, burying his head to his chest. He closed his eyes when he heard Hiro keep asking why, and like himself—the red haired blaming himself for all the things that happen to Shuichi.

When Hiro calmed down a bit, he let the guy go from his embrace and sitting on the chair again.

“Please sit down, Nakano-san. You look exhausted.”

He notices the wide gray eyes widened even further—probably the guy surprise to his changes of attitude. He doesn't care if he looks scary now—he won't use the `chibi-Ryuichi' side on this moment. Not when his best friend is in comma, struggling from death.

An hour passed by, and finally a bald, middle-aged doctor come from the ICU room. Ryuichi and Hiro immediately rushed over there, demanding the man to tell them what happened.

“He'd survive from comma, but he still on critical condition now,” the doctor said after Ryuichi reassuring him they're Shu's relative. “Even so, there are possibilities for him to survive. It depending on his will, though.”

At this, the two other males raised their eyebrows in unison.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, from the scars on his wrists, he may try to commit suicide. Someone who tried to end their life this way must be under pressure or in depression now. Shindou-san broken both mentally and physically—if someone doesn't try to help him he may… gone.” The bald man explained, earning soft nodded from Hiro and Ryuichi. “However, we already try our best to save him—physically—and I supposed you could help him, since you're his relative. Try to talk to him and help him through it all—that way, he can heal completely.”

Ryuichi nodded enthusiastic, spirit lit up when the doctor said his friend could survive.

“So when we can see him, doc?” the green haired male said, nibbling on Kuma's ears that went almost unnoticed. It helps him to calm his nerve, after all.

“You may go see him now, but please be quiet. He needs proper sleep and rest.”

After saying thank you and bowed to each other, Ryuichi practically flew to the room while Hiro resuming to talk to the doctor. Ryuichi almost forget that Hiro is also a doctor now, so they probably discussing about medical things. He choose to see Shuichi instead of follow Hiro, `cause he doesn't understand what they're saying. Otherwise, he couldn't wait to see him anymore.

He closed the door softly, hearing the soft `clack' when it hit the frame. His small feet approach Shuichi slowly, watching the boy lying almost lifelessly with I.V and oxygen mask on. He looks so thin under the thick blanket—maybe he'd been starving himself.

When he arrived to the bed's side, he hold the boy's hands to his, clutching it tightly before whispering,

“Hold on, Shuichi…”

Ryuichi couldn't believe what he just heard. Did Shuichi just say that Yuki cheated…with Tohma?

“I told you, Sakuma-san. You won't believe me…” the boy said so softly it almost went unnoticed, but Ryuichi quickly stare at Shuichi with reassuring glance.

“No, I believe you, Shu-chan! It just… I can't believe Tohma could do this to you…”

Shuichi response with hummed with agreement, though he know so well the blonde could do anything to satisfy his need.

“So that's why you quit Bad Luck? Why don't you tell me before? Is Shuichi… distrust Ryu?” the older man said, turning to chibi again. Shuichi give him a slight smile, still too exhausted to speak. He just shook his head no.

“Oh, I know! Shu just afraid I don't believe him, is he? But don't worry, I believe Shu than Tohma!”

The pink haired boy nodded, mouthed a silent thank you to his idol. He was so grateful to know there's someone who still cares to him… he's not alone after all. Ryuichi already informed him that Hiro's out to buy lunch and pokey for him.

“So what're you planning next, Shu-chan?”

When the boy remained silent, Ryuichi decide to speak up again.

“I know! Let's go to America with me! We'll make a new band and we'll rock again!!!”

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And Ryuichi prove his promise, Shuichi thought happily. It's been two years since he and Ryuichi create a band called Vladester. He doesn't know why, but the name sounds cool to his ear… and with his other band mates, Zack and Matt, they made it to be on top of chart again.

Suddenly the phone rang and Ryuichi wiped his tears before stood up to answer it.

Second later, the green haired man reappears again, holding a portable telephone on his hand.

“This is for you, Shu-chan. From Hiro.”

Shuichi quickly sit up, reaching the phone enthusiastically. Ryuichi smile, chuckling a bit when he saw the happy sparkle on Shuichi's eyes again. Maybe he could be shiny again…

“Hello?”

“Shuichi! Let's reunited!”