Gundam Seed Destiny Fan Fiction / Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction / Sailor Moon Fan Fiction ❯ Dark Mirrors: Across from Happiness ❯ Chapter 1

I hate weddings. I hate wearing a tuxedo, the infamous "monkey suit" that's the formal uniform for these things. I hate having to curl my lips into a phony smile so I don't hurt the bride's feelings. I hate having to make myself hyperventilate so it sounds like I'm laughing at the groom's lame jokes. I especially hate having to stand in a crowd of men-who-don't-bath-regularly for the garter toss-- not that I enjoy being single, mind you, but I'm not in a rush to get married.

But I'm a professional. I have to suppress my fear and loathing of weddings and attend this one because it's part of my official duties. I'm Andrew Mays, Anime Detective, and it's my job to keep the peace between humans and Toons, the "children of dreams" who, when they're not entertaining us by expressing the fantasies we wish were reality, step out of their cartoon and anime settings to remind us to be careful what we wish for.

The wedding in question will celebrate the union of Aino Minako-- alias Sailor Venus, Soldier of Love-- and Darth Vader, Dark Lord of the Sith. No, I'm not being sarcastic. A warrior of Love and Justice from the 'Sailor Moon' anime is marrying a villain from the 'Star Wars' movies who, rendered in 1993 to be a boss in the 'Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back' Nintendo game, is now free from human control. He joined the US Air Force in 1999 and participated in OIF-- Operation Iraqi Freedom-- so he could call himself a war hero and run for public office. God help us if the Sith Lord achieves his ambition of becoming President of the United States of America.

"Eek!" Slap! "Pervert!" Wham, crash, clatter! If the angry female voices and the sound of violence are any indication, I'll regret not chaining my partner to his desk before coming here. If you're in a gunfight, you can count on Saeba Ryo, "City Hunter," to cover you, but if you're in a social setting like a wedding, you can count on Ryo to cover every woman he sees-- I mean "cover" as in "commit sexual harassment." I sighed and drew a one-ton mallet from Who Knows Where, the subspace pocket of my trench coat-- Ryo needed another lesson.

"Help! Rape!" another angry female called as Ryo jumped into the air, his hands reaching for her breasts. I stepped in between them, calculated Ryo's projected trajectory, and swung the mallet. Impact in five, four, three...

"Mokkori--!" Tsepesh! "Argh!" A 274-centimeter-long steel lance struck down Ryo like a thunderbolt before he could finish his strange battle cry, the Japanese slang for "erection." A clonetrooper stood upon the lance and held a nodachi, a field sword with a 152-centimeter-long blade for foot soldiers to use against cavalry, over my head. I notice the nodachi had two serrated blades moving independently back and forth along tracks extending from the handle, like the electric knife a housewife would used to carve a turkey. I froze, ignoring the clicking sounds of E-11 blaster rifles being set from SAFE to BURST as white-armored stormtroopers surrounded me; I'd get a literally splitting headache if I moved.

"Identify yourself." The clonetrooper had female voice. I notice her demon mask and the red "slash" marks forming an Iron Cross on her white breastplate, and identified her as one of the sabertroopers, clonetroopers created for counter-terrorism operations who became infamous for their brutality in OIF.

"Andrew Mays. Sergeant, Animegamigu Police Department." Invisible hands-- a magnetic field generated by the sabertrooper's body-- drew her katana and wakizashi, long and short swords. The katana pointed at my chest, ready to pierce my heart, as the wakizashi pointed at my back, ready to pierce my right lung. "I'm invited." I slowly reached into my pocket, retrieved my photo ID and the wedding invitation, and raised them so the sabertrooper sergeant can see it.

"Me too," Ryo whispered, writhing upon the lance like a fish impaled upon a harpoon. I'd admire his tenacity if he applied it to something other than getting laid.

A stormtrooper stepped forward to grab my ID and the invitation, stepped back out of the reach of my mallet, used a black light to reveal a fluorescent authentication code on the invitation, and raised it and the ID for the sabertrooper to see. "Identity confirmed."

I sighed in relief as the katana and wakizashi returned to their scabbards. The sabertrooper pointed the nodachi at Ryo and asked, "What about him?"

What about him? I might need Ryo's help in case a terror attack occurs-- Vader made a lot of enemies in Iraq-- but who's stupid and/or crazy enough to do that here? We're in Skywalker Ranch, home of 'Star Wars' creator George Lucas. The Death Star, a mobile battle equipped with a weapon capable of destroying entire planets, is in geostationary orbit above the ranch. If that doesn't scare you, know that DARPA-- the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency-- has research lab on the Death Star, which means the US Army, Air Force, Navy, and Marine Corps will hit us like a ton of bricks if anyone did anything funny here.

"He's my partner," I answered, choosing to err on the side of caution. "I'm sorry about the trouble, he keeps skipping the classes on preventing sexual harassment. Don't worry, I'll keep a close eye on him from now on." I may regret this, but if Murphy's Law were enforced, I'd have greater regrets if I left Ryo like this.

"His blood be upon you if you fail." Tsepesh! I quickly lost sight of the sabertrooper as she rocketed into the air, taking the lance with her. Ryo cried again when he fell upon the ground. I sighed and retrieved a first aid kit. This was going to be a long day.

->

DARK MIRRORS: ACROSS FROM HAPPINESS

By Sidewinder (aim9snake@hotmail.com), originally as 'The Berserker's Guide to Living Happily Ever After' in 2006-2007 (revised 2009). Based on the worlds created by Gary K. Wolf and Pearson Mui.

->

Friday, June 30, 2006. Morning. Sergeant Anna Mason, a member of the Animegamigu Police Department (APD) Counter-Terrorism (CT) Unit, stood beside the Inner Senshi (Warriors)-- Tsukino Usagi/Sailor Moon, Mizuno Ami/Sailor Mercury, Hino Rei/Sailor Mars, Kino Makoto/Sailor Jupiter-- as they celebrated the day one of their own, Minako, would marry her "Prince Charming" and live happily ever after. "... and we'll adopt Iraqi children orphaned by the war and raise them as our own and teach them the values of peace, freedom, and justice, and together, we'll make the world a better place," the bride explained with a smile.

Rei frowned in suspicion. "Doesn't Vader's idea of making the world a better place involve killing anyone and everyone who doesn't agree with his ideas?"

Minako's smile became maniacal, like a berserker's when first blood was drawn. "You can't make an egg without breaking a few omelets,"-- she turned to the policewoman-- "right, Anna-chan?"

"Actually, it's, 'You can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs,'" Anna corrected.

"But you agree that sacrifices must be made, right? After all, you made a lot of sacrifices in H-Ville," a nickname for Hanamura (Flower Village), the red light district where Anna committed 223 acts of police brutality in one month.

Anna blushed in embarrassment. "A sacrifice is made for a noble cause. My actions in Hanamura weren't for some noble cause; they were... errors in judgment... because I lost control of my anger. I should be ashamed..."

Minako put her hands on the policewoman's shoulders to comfort her. "Don't be, Anna-chan. "We all go a little mad sometimes," she said, quoting Norman Bates (Anthony Perkins) in 'Psycho'.

'A little is never enough for you two,' Rei didn't say.

"It's part of what makes us human, along with love, hate, happiness, and sadness," Minako continued.

Outside the dressing room, a sabertrooper stated, "Get ready."

Minako jumped, unable to suppress her emotions. "Oh, I'm so excited, it's my big day, I'm getting married! Oh, I hope I won't faint!" She hugged each Sailor Senshi in the dressing room, Anna, opened the door, hugged the sabertrooper, and turned rearwards. "Pray for Vader and I so we'll live happily ever after!"

>

The ceremony was being held in the chapel courtyard because some of Vader's guests-- Brigadier General (O7) Starscream and Colonels (O6) Skywarp and Thundercracker, Decepticons who joined the USAF in 1995-- were 13-meter-tall robots, too large to fit indoors. An altar was set up behind the chapel, in front of a stained glass window. Tents were erected to shelter the guests from the sun, including politicians like California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, film industry moguls like Lucasfilm Chairman George Lucas, anime characters like the Outer Senshi-- Tomoe Hotaru/Sailor Saturn, Tenoh Haruka/Sailor Uranus, Kaioh Michiru/Sailor Neptune, Meioh Setsuna/Sailor Pluto-- and video game sprites like the bounty hunter Boba Fett. Sabertroopers, stormtroopers, All Terrain Scout Transport (AT-ST), All Terrain Armored Transport (AT-AT), All Terrain Antiaircraft (AT-AA) walkers, and a theater shield generator defended the courtyard.

Andrew and Ryo sat furthest from the altar. Andrew didn't mind his position, which allowed him to observe what was happening to the other guests. 'Something's up. What...?'

"You look like you're sitting on a landmine. Want something to cool you down?" a female voice asked from a refreshment stand operated by Ahab's Coffee.

Andrew turned rearwards to see Alise, his sister, in a barista uniform. "Alise?"

Ryo jumped into the air, reaching for Alise's breasts. "Mo--!" Wham! "Ite!" he cried, pinned under the protective brother's mallet.

"What are you doing here?" Andrew continued.

"Working to pay off interest on my student loans. Want a Caffreezer to cool you down? My treat." Alise mischievously smiled.

Andrew frowned. "You know I only drink black coffee, preferably hot. I don't drink the caffeinated syrup that Ahab's calls, 'coffee,' and I definitely don't drink it ice-blended."

Alise laughed and patted Andrew's shoulder. "Don't be so 1931! You can call yourself, 'macho' and still like Caffreezers,"-- she turned to a smiling Toon leaning over the counter in a flirtatious manner-- "right, Shinji?"

"I like Caffreezers." The tall, muscular Toon wore a US Army dress blue uniform, his nameplate marked "IKARI".

Andrew frowned, examining the Combat Infantryman Badge and ribbons for the Silver Star and the Purple Heart on the Toon's chest, the staff sergeant (E6) chevrons on his shoulders, the "SPECIAL FORCES" and "AIRBORNE" tabs and the insignia over the left chevrons, the bulge under his coat suggesting the presence of a revolver in a shoulder holster, and the green beret in his rear pants pocket. "Your name is Ikari Shinji?" the policeman asked.

"Yes, Sir," answered the Toon.

"Pilot of Evangelion Unit 01?"

"Yes, Sir."

"And a Green Beret?"

"MOS," military occupational specialty, "18 Charlie: Special Forces engineer. I'm the youngest graduate of the Special Forces Qualification Course in Army history."

"You're not Ikari Shinji. Ikari Shinji's a 15-year-old schoolboy, not a 20-year-old Green Beret."

"You're referring to my predecessor, who appeared in the 'Neon Genesis Evangelion' TV series. I'll be appearing in the 'Evangelion Wars' OAVs," original animation videos, "which go on sale February 2007."

"Do you also hate your father, yet pilot the Eva," an abbreviation of Evangelion, "for his praise?"

"I hope my father is proud of me, but I'll never know; my mother and father both died during the First Angel War of 2000 to 2004. I was raised by my uncle, an Army officer stationed in Okinawa."

Andrew suppressed a shudder, remembering that Ikari Gendo, Shinji's father, had conspired with terrorists who attempted to assassinate Vader in 2004. 'Now that Vader's Vice President of Gainax,' the studio that created 'Neon Genesis Evangelion', 'the Sith Lord is punishing Gendo by erasing him from the audience's minds.' Being forgotten was the only true cause of death for Toons; deaths caused by the plot could be reversed, the characters resurrected.

"Oh, here comes the bride," Alise noted as Minako appeared, gripping her dress and breathing hard after a sprint from the dressing room. Shinji quickly took his seat.

The bride raised her dress, ready to sprint again, when a sabertrooper stated, "Thirty seconds," until the ceremony began. Minako breathed deeply to calm down. Usagi-- the Matron of Honor-- almost crashed into the bride as she ran to Minako's side. Anna and the other Sailor Senshi appeared as the sabertrooper counted down. At "Zero," the wedding march began playing, and Minako approached the altar.

The groom stood with a red bowtie around his gorget and a pink carnation taped to his breastplate, watching the bride approach. Although Vader's mask hid his facial expressions, Minako sensed his apprehension as the Sith Lord took her hand. "Are you okay, Vader-kun?" Tears clouded her eyes. "Don't tell me you're going to leave me at the altar?!"

"I sense..." Vader ignited a lightsaber. "We're under attack!"

"Is he being paranoid?" The guests' confusion was cleared as a graviton beam hit the energy shield like a sledgehammer. "What in the pit...? Ahhhh!" Starscream cried as a 16" (406 mm) shell flew through a "crack" in the shield and exploded ten meters in front of the Decepticon, showering him with shrapnel. He looked up to see the attacker, a Galaxy class starship that de-cloaked in low earth orbit to bombard the courtyard. "You scratched my custom paint job! Do you have any idea how expensive is metal flake paint?! I'll disintegrate you for this!" the Decepticon swore, shaking his fist at the ship.

The AT-AAs' multi-ordnance flak pods opened fire, intercepting many shells before they hit the shield, but the heavy bombardment quickly overwhelmed them. "Ahhhh!" "Help!" Some guests panicked and ran in all directions, fleeing for their lives. Some-- military and police officers like Shinji, Andrew, and Anna-- tried to calm the others and help evacuate the courtyard-turned-kill zone.

The Sith Lord threw the lightsaber like a boomerang to hit three 16" shells, detonating them over the courtyard; a fourth shell exploded in front of Vader, throwing him into the air. The Sith Lord somersaulted backwards, igniting a second lightsaber as he landed on his feet. Smoke rose from holes in his cape, burnt by hot shrapnel. Sabertroopers rushed towards Vader, ready to shield the Sith Lord from further attacks. "Commander...!"

"Protect Lady Minako!" Vader recovered his first lightsaber and raced towards Shinji, who unbuttoned his jacket to draw a Walker Peacemaker .454 Casull revolver-- a Colt Single Action Army (SAA) reproduction with a 7.5" (19 cm) barrel. "Sgt Ikari, summon the Evangelion! I want AT field coverage over the courtyard!" Conventional weapons were ineffective against the Eva's absolute terror (AT) field.

"Yes, Sir!" Shinji took a knee and closed his eyes, as if he was praying. He used his psychic link with Unit 01 to activate the Eva in its a hangar at Travis Air Force Base (AFB); then his eyes opened. "ETA," estimated time of arrival, "90 seconds, Sir!"

"Venus Love Me Chain Gun!" The bride now wore a yellow hardsuit-- the robotic armor was a gift from Sylia Stingray, a vigilante from 'Bubblegum Crisis'. A 1200 round magazine, attached to the backplate, fed Adonis, her M230 30 mm automatic cannon. Minako rocketed to Vader's side. "I won't leave your side," she swore.

Usagi, Ami, Rei, and Makoto transformed into their hardsuits and rocketed to Minako's side. "And we won't leave yours," Usagi swore.

Hotaru, Haruka, Michiru, and Setsuna transformed into their sailor suits and joined their comrades, followed by the sabertroopers. "Lady Venus, please allow us to perform our duty and protect you," A150, the sabertrooper platoon leader, asked.

"Yeah, we don't have rocket boosters!" Haruka reminded.

Minako smiled behind her visor. "Okay, now let's rock!"

Vader's head rose as the helmet's integral radio received a transmission; then he faced Minako. "The Death Star reports it cannot engage the enemy ship due to the risk of collateral damage to Skywalker Ranch." 'I should've stationed SPMA-Ts,' Self-Propelled Medium Artillery-Turbolaser walkers, 'on high ground.' "We must scramble fighters. Will you stand at my side?"

"Of course I will, it's my duty as your wife to be at your side for better or for worse, just as it's your duty as my husband to be at my side for richer or for poorer, okay, we're not married yet, but we will be once we punish these jerks for interrupting my perfect wedding!"

The shield generator exploded; then the enemy ship's guns were silenced. Vader's head rose again. "A second ship has de-cloaked at an altitude of 40 kilometers. It's not raising shields, possibly because it intends to use..."

A M60A3 Patton main battle tank (MBT) teleported behind Vader. The tank commander, an overweight Trekkie-- 'Star Trek' fan-- tried to look heroic as the MBT's 105 mm main gun targeted the Sith Lord. "Sic... Ahhhh!" He meant to quote John Wilkes Booth, the man who assassinated Abraham Lincoln, but the Trekkie's last words were screams as Vader's psychokinetic powers lifted the MBT off the ground. The sabertroopers and the Sailor Senshi attacked the tank-turned-piñata, blasting it and its crew to pieces.

Vader faced A150. "Defend the courtyard. Destroy anything transported," teleported, "from the Galaxy class starship." He retrieved a remote control from his belt to summon a Twin Ion Engine (TIE) Advanced x1 fighter.

The sabertrooper's nodachi rose vertically in salute. "Yes, Sir."

Haruka noticed Usagi was torn between her loyalties to the Inner and Outer Senshi as Ami, Minako, Rei, and Makoto retrieved remote controls from their belts. "Go and help Venus, Princess. We'll defend the ranch." Usagi embraced Haruka as Minako summoned a VF-1J Super Valkyrie variable fighter; then Sailor Moon jumped into the air as her VF-1S Strike Valkyrie dived towards the courtyard, landed in the open cockpit, and piloted the fighter towards the enemy ship.

Haruka faced Michiru, her lover, as a second MBT teleported into the courtyard. "Ready to rock?"

"I prefer classical music," Michiru mischievously smiled, "but I'm ready."

The MBT's main gun targeted the Sailor Senshi. The tank commander turned on the loudspeaker and shouted, "Surrender or die!" The gun elevated to track Haruka and Michiru as they jumped into the air. Slash! A beam saber cut off the M60A3's turret, exposing the crew. The Trekkies looked up to see Sailor Uranus' RX-78-2 Gundam and Sailor Neptune's RX-77-2 Guncannon mobile suits-- humanoid fighting vehicles from 'Mobile Suit Gundam', the armor modified to resemble the Haruka and Michiru's sailor suits.

The Guncannon's shoulder-mounted water cannons, through which Sailor Neptune launched the Deep Submerge elemental attack, targeted the defenseless M60A3. The Gundam's sabers spun like propellers to demonstrate Sailor Uranus' swordsmanship. "Please surrender," Michiru asked. "We don't want your blood to stain the mobile suits' custom paint jobs." The Trekkies' arms rose in surrender. "Good boys."

>

The TIE x1 and three F-15C Eagle fighters-- Starscream, Skywarp, and Thundercracker's vehicle modes-- exited Earth's atmosphere to see a Galaxy class starship marked "BLOOD OF PATRIOTS", a name Thundercracker repeated, confused.

"'The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.' Thomas Jefferson in a letter to William Stephens Smith. November 13, 1787," Vader quoted.

Starscream examined the ship's unusual gun armament: two forward-facing batteries on each side of the saucer section, a rear-facing battery to protect the "neck" connecting the saucer and stardrive sections, and a battery on the ventral surface of the stardrive. Each battery consisted of a structure resembling the podium used to honor Olympic athletes, with a retractable Phalanx close-in weapons system (CIWS) in the gold medallist's position and two 5" (127 mm) twin-gun turrets in the silver and bronze medallists' position, behind a 16" triple-gun turret. "Whoever refitted the Galaxy class starship with, apparently, an Iowa class battleship's main armament is a skilled engineer," he noted.

"Alpha strike!" The Death Star launched TIE interceptors and bomber wings-- military units composed of 72 aircraft each-- to attack the Blood, the TIEs' weapons blasting holes in the ship's reinforced armor. The Blood counterattacked, her 5" guns, Phalanxes, and phasers inflicting heavy casualties on the attacking interceptor and bomber wings, scattering neon green ones and zeroes-- a Sprite's source code-- everywhere.

As Usagi's VF-1S, Ami's VE-1 ELINT Seeker electronic intelligence variant of the VF-1, Minako's VF-1J, and Rei and Makoto's VF-1A Super Valkyries appeared, the Blood's 16" guns targeted them. "Stay out of the main guns' line of fire!" Ami warned as her VE-1 maneuvered to do so.

"Don't be afraid! The turrets traverse too slowly to track us!" Makoto assured.

"Incoming! Torpedoes, three o'clock!"

As Makoto rolled to dodge a photon torpedo, she flew into the path of a 16" shell.

"Mako-chan!" The VF-1J's head-mounted lasers opened fire to intercept the shell before it hit. She was a split-second too late; the exploding shell showered Makoto's VF-1A with shrapnel, throwing the fighter out of control.

Starscream's null ray cannons fired, disabling the Blood's main sensors to prevent further torpedo attacks; the ship risked being hit by its own torpedoes if it launched blindly. The VE-1 transformed to ground effect reinforcement of wing airfoil by locomotive knee-joint (GERWALK) mode and caught Makoto's VF-1A.

"Are you okay, Mako-chan?" the Sailor Senshi radioed.

Makoto breathed deeply to calm down. "I'm fine, now let's sink that ship!"

Ami examined the Blood's defenses. "We need heavy weapons to accomplish this."

Usagi blushed, a child with her hand caught in the cookie jar. "Um, I have two nuclear-armed Harpoons," the AGM-84L antiship missiles under the Strike Valkyrie's wings.

Rei was shocked; she considered the use of nuclear weapons a mortal sin. "You have what?!"

As Vader accelerated towards the Blood, an alarm warned him the ship's weapons were targeting his TIE x1. The fighter transformed to robot mode, sacrificing speed for agility, and somersaulted backwards to dodge incoming shells and phaser beams. "Sailor Moon, this is Vader One. Use of nuclear weapons is permitted, over."

"Vader One, this is Sailor Moon. Permission received, out." 'I'm sorry.' "Lock on target... Hey! No fair!" Usagi shouted as static clouded her radar monitor. "The wedding crashers are dispersing chaff!" aluminum strips used to distract radars and radar-guided missiles.

"Fox three." Vader launched a gun attack but hit only chaff. "Target lost. Subspace variance detected, consistent with the activation of warp drives of a by a cloaked ship."

"Slag!" the Decepticons cursed.

"Wait, what about Mamo-chan?" Chiba Mamoru/Tuxedo Mask, Usagi's husband, who accompanied her to the ceremony.

>

The bombardment transformed most of the walkers into burning wrecks, but the defenders didn't panic when M60A3s and a M163 Product Improvement Vulcan Air Defense System (PIVADS)-- an armored vehicle armed with a M61 Vulcan 20 mm Gatling gun-- were teleported into the courtyard. Shock troopers-- stormtroopers armed with missile launchers-- launched long-range attacks while the sabertroopers charged, their nodachi cutting open the MBTs like sardine cans.

"Roarrrr!" Unit 01's cruise mode, the fusion of an Allosaurus and a YF-23 Black Widow II prototype fighter, dove towards the courtyard. "Dragon!" Shinji shouted, jumping into the cockpit as the Eva transformed from cruise to assault mode. The wings and front claws folded back as the tailplanes folded against the calves to form greaves, the dragon's jaws folded under the neck to form a breastplate, the legs slid under the shoulders to form arms as the tail split to form legs. The 45-meter-tall humanoid fighting machine's eyes burned blue behind its skull-like mask, seeking battle as rails guided revolver-like 280 mm Gauss cannons from weapon bays in its vambraces, to its hands. Boom! "Ahhhh!" "Roarrrr!" Two souls voiced their pain as three photon torpedoes exploded upon Unit 01's AT field, striking it down.

The shock wave blew the Gundam and Guncannon off their feet. "Neptune!" Haruka cried in concern.

Michiru watched the shock wave overturn a M60A3 and a M163. The M163 gunner's body was thrown out of the turret and crushed by the tumbling PIVADS. "Be careful, our enemy is ruthless and willing to sacrifice the warriors under his or her command for victory."

The enemy was a Trekkie who, inspired by the voyages of the USS Enterprise-- whose crew fought to defend the values of universal liberty, equality, and peace-- became a political activist and, later, a terrorist. She was a woman who'd forsaken her family name because it was "representative of a savage and barbaric society, one divided against itself along sexual and racial lines, where everyone worked for the selfish goal of individual profit." She was also infamous for writing 'Star Trek' fan fiction with herself as the star, outperforming the Enterprise's crew in feats of courage, strength, logic, and engineering skills.

The enemy was Mary Sue, leader of the Communist Revolution for the American Proletariat; persons who knew her either loved or hated her with all their heart, but all feared Mary Sue as a mother or as a monster. She was captain of the Free Love, one of many Galaxy class starships built for the Dominion War arc of 'Star Trek: Deep Space Nine' and sold to the public after the TV series ended. "Workers of America, unite!" she shouted, paraphrasing Karl Marx as the Free Love teleported two-meter-tall cans-- what witnesses later described them as "giant cans of shaving cream"-- onto the ground.

Nearby stormtroopers heard a hissing sound, scanned the cans, and saw the words "WARNING: BIO ATTACK" appear on their head-up displays (HUDs). "Gas, gas, gas!" they shouted, miming the donning of a protective mask to warn others of a chemical or biological attack.

When "WARNING: BIO ATTACK" appeared on Haruka and Michiru's HUDs, they rocketed towards Hotaru and Setsuna; the mobile suit (MS) cockpits protected the pilots from nuclear, biological, and chemical (NBC) weapons, but Hotaru and Setsuna didn't have such protection.

"Yes, take me, oh, oh yes, yes, ohhhh!" Setsuna cried as the Guncannon's hand closed around her.

"Hold me, thrill me, kiss me!" Hotaru begged, rubbing her nipples against in the Gundam's thumb.

"In the name of the Moon, what happened to them?" Michiru demanded, uncharacteristically distressed.

Anna was performing first aid on a woman who was injured when panicking guests stampeded. Clang, clang, clang! Her head rose to see sabertroopers clang their swords over their heads; a former member of the US Army Reserve, she understood the warning and reached for her left hip, where a mask carrier would be worn. Her hands touched the daisho (long and short swords) there. 'Oh no!' she thought, but her voice was an anguished scream as burning pain enveloped her body.

>

In the Free Love's main bridge, Mary Sue watched the infected women tear off their clothes and caress each other's bodies. "Lock on the designated targets and transport them to the cargo hold. Security, report to the cargo hold and attach halos to the arriving targets. We'll indoctrinate the women to our cause and..." Clang! Boom! "Ahhhh!" the Trekkie screamed as a 280 mm shell pierced the bridge ceiling and flew through the bridge. "What the hell was that?!"

The chief engineer pressed a button so the viewscreen would show images from an external camera. Onscreen, sparks shot from where a 280 mm shell over-penetrated and blasted a jagged hole in the saucer's ventral surface. Boom! The chief engineer pressed a button to see images from the dorsal surface. Onscreen, Evangelion Unit 01's close quarters combat (CQC) claws-- the dragon's rear claws, now extending from the assault mode's wrists-- cut into the hull as the Gauss cannon launched a shell at 24,500 km/h to shoot off one of the Free Love's phaser arrays. "That looks like a giant Colt Peacemaker," the engineer said of the weapon in Unit 01's right hand.

"A what?"

"You know, Colt's Model 1873 Single Action Army revolver, the..."

Mary Sue wanted to slap the engineer for promoting a gun, a phallic instrument of male oppression; then the Gauss cannon fired again. "Abandon the main bridge and prepare to initiate saucer separation!" A Galaxy class starship's saucer section was designed to separate from the stardrive in case of emergencies.

The engineer knew if the saucer were abandoned, the Free Love wouldn't be able to evacuate the Trekkies who were teleported into the courtyard. "But...!"

"Our comrades in the rescue team are outgunned and will die soon. We cannot save them, we can only join them in hell if we don't get that monster off our heads!"

Boom! "Yes, Matron!" The bridge crew packed the emergency turbolift like a can of sardines, abandoning the main bridge in favor of the battle bridge in the ship's neck.

Shinji wasn't fooled when the Free Love separated. "Roarrrr!" Unit 01 kicked against the saucer, launched itself towards the escaping stardrive, and transformed to its draconian cruise mode; fortunately, the saucer's burning wreck fell into the Pacific Ocean.

"Plot the fastest course to the lunar orbit! We'll lose the monster there!" Mary Sue ordered.

"But that leads us in front of the superlaser's line of fire!" the engineer noted.

"The Death Star's superlaser represents weapons technology so obsolete, it must be mounted on a battle station the size of a small moon to be effective! Lasers won't even penetrate our navigational deflectors!" shields to deflect space debris, asteroids, and other objects that may collide with the ship. Boom! "Plot the course!" Mary Sue ordered as a 280 mm shell detonated against the stardrive.

"Yes, Matron!" The engineer obeyed, launching the ship towards the Moon. He watched Evangelion Unit 01 dive away from the stardrive, unaware that Shinji was ordered to do so. "That stupid monster took the bait! We're free!"

Unfortunately for the Trekkies, Mary Sue's declaration was made in "The Outrageous Okona," an episode of 'Star Trek: The Next Generation'. She neglected the fact that it referred to warships too small and obsolete to threaten a Galaxy class starship like the Enterprise-D. Energy shields, powerful enough to withstand bombardments that could otherwise melt planetary surfaces into molten slag, were used in the 'Star Wars' universe. The Death Star's superlaser was designed to pierce these shields and destroy the planets they protected; it was certainly powerful enough to destroy the Free Love, as the Vader proved when he ordered, "Fire."

The superlaser beam vaporized the Free Love; witnesses were confused when they mistook microscopic metal particles burning in the atmosphere, the ship's remains, for an aurora borealis.

Vader summoned an Imperator class star destroyer. "Recover the saucer section and capture the surviving..."

Haruka interrupted the transmission. "Where the hell have you been?! Those terrorists have deployed a biological weapon and transformed every woman here into...!" She blushed, unable to finish the sentence.

"Help, the women have become sex maniacs!" Boba Fett radioed. "Ahhhh!" he screamed as the infected women tore off his groin protector.

"It's your wedding; you should've made preparations in case of something like this!" Haruka accused.

"Oh no, Mamo-chan!" Usagi's VF-1S dived towards the courtyard, followed by Ami's VE-1 and Rei and Makoto's VF-1As.

Minako tearfully radioed her husband-to-be. "I'm sorry, Vader-kun, but my friends need me."

"I understand." The Sith Lord watched her VF-1J dive after the VF-1S.

As the Valkyries and the ELINT Seeker approached the courtyard, they saw Andrew waving his arms to attract attention. Usagi turned on the loudspeakers. "Mays-san, what...?"

"Help!" Andrew looked like a giant squid's tentacles had entangled him and was dragging him into the sea.

The "tentacles" revealed themselves as Alise' arms and legs. "Oh Brother I love you give me love show me...!" A tranquilizer dart hit the back of Alise' neck, knocking her unconscious.

Andrew's left hand held Alise to his side as his right drew the mallet. "Hey...!" Confusion replaced anger when Mamoru approached him, wearing a protective mask and a battle dress uniform (BDU) with red roses and hearts printed upon it. "Why are you wearing the Saint Valentine's camouflage pattern from 'Metal Gear Solid 3'?"

Mamoru lowered his weapon, a M9 9 mm pistol modified to fire tranquilizer darts. "I'm here to help."

"You're here to help? Where the hell's Ryo?!" Andrew demanded. "He's supposed to..."

"Mokkoriiii!" Slash, slash, slash, tsepesh! "Ahhhh!" Ryo screamed.

"Shrieeeek!"

"Anna!" Andrew gently laid Alise upon the ground before racing towards the policewoman covered in red paint, Toon blood.

->

Hakubi Washu, a mad scientist from 'Tenchi Muyo!', scanned Makoto's hardsuit again. "Negative. You can come out now."

"Finally!" Makoto transformed out of her hardsuit and raced into the women's restroom.

"So you traded your old transformation wands for the hardsuits?" Andrew asked.

"Yes. Sylia-san thought it would give her a tactical advantage to change into a hardsuit in without relying on a pit," Rei stated.

Makoto returned from the restroom. "We should call Sylia-san and ask her to modify the hardsuits so we can... deal with extended deployments. Can you imagine how hard it is to have to 'hold it' for three hours?"

"Just wear a diaper." Haruka watched Makoto's face redden with anger and embarrassment. "ALLA," the Animegamigu Lesbians' Liberty Association, "counts US military servicewomen among our members, poor girls... Anyways, women fighter pilots use them."

Sabertroopers escorted Usagi, Minako, and Mamoru into the lab after a quick ceremony at Naval Base Animegamigu, on a Pacific island 193 km from Japan's east coast. "Okay, Vader-kun and I are finally married, we can start living happily ever after, but we can't go on a honeymoon until we cure the wedding guests and punish the terrorists responsible for the attack. What do we need to know?" Minako asked.

Washu pressed a button on her holographic keyboard, linked to a supercomputer, to display a holographic model of the human genome. "The biological agent in question is a retrovirus, which I designated the 'H-Virus.' It was genetically engineered to alter,"-- as she noted the affected genes, the display simulated the viral infection-- "to induce hypersexuality."

"What?!" 12 outraged voices shouted, demanding answers.

Ryo couldn't hide a lecherous grin. "A weapon that transforms women into nymphomaniacs? Now that's what I need! Ite!" he cried as 11 angry women and one protective brother raised arms against him.

Washu waited for her audience to calm down. "The H-Virus discriminates between the length of the host's telomeres," regions of a DNA strand which prevent genetic thread fraying, but which shorten every time a cell divides until cell division is no longer possible, "to specifically target women between the ages of 14 and 41. The hosts' acknowledgment of legal and moral codes against certain behaviors, such as adultery, incest, pedophilia, and bestiality, would be overridden. The H-Virus is airborne and can survive for 12 to 16 minutes outside of a controlled environment. Fortunately, standard sterilization techniques such as high temperatures, chemical disinfectants, and moderate ultraviolet radiation are effective against the H-Virus."

"What about Anna-kun?" Haruka asked, concerned about her sparring partner.

Washu turned on a monitor showing scenes from a biosphere-- a manmade enclosed ecological system, this one of a redwood forest by a lake-- where Anna was placed for her safety. The policewoman, reduced to a feral state, was stalking on a deer.

"The response of her immune system has induced meningitis," inflammation of the membranes surrounding the brain and spinal cord, "which is interfering with her higher brain functions."

"Is she at risk of brain death?" Ami asked.

Washu smiled, a parent amused by a child's fear of monsters under the bed. "Don't worry, her unusual physiology means she has a greater resistance to damage than normal people." Anna had McKellan's Syndrome, a.k.a. Magneto's Syndrome, a genetic condition that magnetized the hemoglobin in her blood and increased her bone and muscular density. "She'll be fine in the 13 to 47 hours time I need to find a cure."

"But she's not herself!" Usagi protested. "Can you...?"

"I can prescribe an analgesic," a painkiller, "and a sedative, but the medications will suppress the immune system response, and Anna-chan will suffer from hypersexuality like the other victims." Washu watched Anna lunge at the deer, bite the back of its neck to crush the spinal cord and kill the animal, and begin eating. "A benefit of her current state is she can defend herself." 'This is an excellent opportunity to perform research on Magneto's Syndrome,' the mad scientist didn't say.

The last statement made Andrew face Alise, one of many victims whose comatose bodies were placed in artificial wombs set to STASIS to arrest the virus' development. "Will my sister be okay?"

"Of course she'll be okay! She's under the supervision of Washu-chan, the greatest scientific genius in the universe!"

Andrew put his forehead against the transparent barrier between him and Alise, a de facto leper colony isolating her from the world of the living. He shuddered, remembering the time a would-be messiah used a similar virus to transform Toon girls into magical girls, and the terrors of abject cuteness he'd been subjected to. Fear became anger as he turned to A150. "Can I have a power nodachi?"

"The weapon was designed for warriors with McKellan's Syndrome," which the sabertroopers inherited from Anna, their genetic template. "Our natural magnetic field spins a rotor, generating electric power for the cutting mechanism. The weapon won't be effective in your hands."

"You already have a one-ton mallet," Makoto reminded. "Why...?"

"The mallet is designed to stun, not to maim or kill, and right now, I really want to maim and kill the criminal who tried to transform my sister into a... Argh!" Andrew shook in anger, a bomb about to explode, as the word "nymphomaniac" hung on the tip of his tongue. "I'm gonna chop off his arms and legs and use the severed limbs as firewood when I roast his ass!"

The Sailor Senshi's eyes widened in surprise at the policeman's uncharacteristic rage; then they shrugged. "We're going to Gunsmith Cats in preparation for the hunt. Neptune and I need some 60 mm shells for our head Vulcans," the Gundam and Guncannon's head-mounted Gatling guns, "while the Inner Senshi need some... heavy weapons for their Valkyries. Wanna come?" Haruka asked.

"Hell yes."

>

It was Friday afternoon in California when Andrew and the Sailor Senshi went through a dimensional doorway to exit Washu's lab, learning it was Saturday morning in Japan. "This way."

Gunsmith Cats, a gun store from an OAV of the same name, prospered because the US military service members stationed on Animegamigu demanded self-defense weapons for themselves and their families; the store was granted a legal status unattainable elsewhere in Japan, which had restrictive gun control laws. As the Sailor Senshi approached the store, they saw an army of Army, Air Force, Navy, and Marine Corps personnel, many still in their physical training (PT) uniforms, lined up behind the door. "Why...?"

Andrew raised his badge over his head. "Police business! Move aside, move aside!" He moved in front of the line; behind him, the Sailor Senshi apologized for the policeman's rudeness and explained their situation.

"Thank you, my daughter will be very happy when she sees this."

"T-t-t-thank you, I, I mean my sister, she'll be ecstatic when she gets this... Oh yeah!"

"You go, girl!"

Andrew looked back to see the Sailor Senshi signing autographs for men and women of various ages. "We don't have time for this!"

"As entertainers, we must always make time for our fans!" Usagi and Minako answered before turning to sign another autograph with bright smiles.

"Damn it!" Andrew waited 15 minutes for the Sailor Senshi to finish signing autographs and waving goodbye to their fans. 'I should've just waited in line.'

Irene "Rally" Vincent and "Minnie" May Hopkins, a gunsmith and a bomb specialist who worked as bounty huntresses to supplement their income from the store, finally noticed their most famous customer. "Oh, Usagi! I'm sorry I didn't notice you; I was busy. Business has been booming since... Oh, you were there, weren't you?" Rally asked.

Usagi noticed the television behind the counter. "Yes, we were there."

A news station was playing a video of paramedics treating injured men as Washu supervised the robots transporting the infected women in artificial wombs. "A terrorist group identifying itself as the Communist Revolution for the American Proletariat, or C-R-A-P..."

"Don't they know what C-R-A-P spells?" May wondered.

"... released the following statement," the newscaster continued as the first video shrank to the lower right corner of the screen, revealing a video of Mary Sue, who said, "We, the voice of the workers of America, have fired an opening salvo for the sexual revolution that will overthrow the greedy and corrupt bourgeoisie. We will liberate the proletariat from oppression, creating a world where..."

"Grrrr!" Andrew stomped towards the counter like a charging elephant. "I need a weapon for maiming and killing, something I can use to gut a criminal like a fish on a cutting board... to make a criminal beg for his own death before I chop off his head."

Rally's eyes widened in surprise at Andrew's anger. May leaned towards Makoto and whispered, "What ignited his fuse?"

"His sister was one of the victims," Makoto whispered back.

Rally pointed at a display case. "We have Nihonto," Japanese swords, "starting at $2000."

Andrew glanced at the swords at his side. "Too light. I need something comparable to this." He drew his one-ton mallet and placed it on the counter.

Rally examined the weapon. "Graham Industrial Tools sells Beaver Tooth chainsaws," she noted.

"Great," the policeman said without sarcasm. "I also need a LAW," a M72 66 mm rocket launcher.

"A law?"

"A light antitank weapon, a bazooka, a Panzerfaust... Something for tank killing."

"What kind of tanks do you intend to kill?"

Andrew pointed at the TV. Onscreen, Skywarp and Thundercracker were removing the M60A3s from the courtyard as Starscream "supervised." "Those kinds."

Rally noted the MBTs' armor. "Blazer ERA," explosive reactive armor, "a tough nut to crack. You'll need something like the M19 'Spanker' from 'Halo 2'. Just follow Minnie May." Rally pointed to a door behind the counter, where May was leading the Sailor Senshi to the basement where missiles were kept in reserve for trusted customers.

"Thanks, Rally." Andrew entered the basement as May was showing off an AGM-84H standoff land attack missile-expanded response (SLAM-ER).

"Does it have a nuclear warhead?" Rei asked with controlled anger.

"A what?!" Andrew demanded.

"Usagi has two nuclear-armed Harpoon anti-ship missiles."

"Well, she didn't get them from us!" May protested.

"They were a gift from Optimus-san," Usagi said.

"Optimus Prime? Big red and blue robot, transforms into a Mack truck?" Andrew asked.

"The Optimus-san I know transforms into a Chinook helicopter. I met him when Mamo-chan and I were in Bali, where they were filming the 'Alien Vs Predator Vs Transformers Vs GI Joe' movie," Usagi explained.

Andrew shrugged. 'I have other things to worry about than a magical girl flying around with two nuclear weapons.' He grabbed a M19 rocket launcher and a magazine holding two 102 mm rockets, reconsidered, and grabbed three more magazines. "I'll take these."

->

Andrew saw Captain Saitou Hajime approach as he entered the APD Headquarters. "Good afternoon..."

"Sgt Mays, I know your sister was a victim of this morning's attack, and that you intend to avenge her," Saitou interrupted. "I need your word that this will be carried out in a professional manner."

Andrew forced himself to smile, trying to reassure the police captain. "You have nothing to worry about..."

"Vader is involved, and therefore, the threat of a Base Delta Zero is present," Saitou noted, referring to the Imperial code for an order to destroy all population centers and resources-- including industry, natural resources, and cities-- by bombing a planetary surface into molten slag. "I cannot let you act rashly when Anigu's very existence is at stake." Anigu was an abbreviation of Animegamigu.

"I won't act rashly. Revenge is a dish that is best served cold, after all."

Saitou, a samurai-turned-policeman from 'Rurouni Kenshin', knew insults against one's honor must be avenged. "Remember those words when you face the heat of battle." He turned around and walked away.

Andrew entered his office to see Ryo sitting in front of a computer, talking on the telephone as a professional seeking information instead of a lecher seeking to get laid.

"Thank you, Miss Joule... Give my regards to your son... I'll be seeing you." Ryo hung up and saw his partner. "Hey, Andrew. I was talking to Ezalia Joule to see if a ship, matching the descriptions we got from Sailor Mercury, was docked at the PLANTs," space colonies from 'Mobile Suit Gundam SEED' and 'Mobile Suit Gundam SEED Destiny'. "Do you know they get 11 to 12 Galaxy class starships per day?"

"Did you send him the images we got? The ones showing a cross between the Enterprise-D and the Space Battleship Yamato?" I asked.

"The weapons came from an Iowa class battleship. Anyways, the Galaxies are big toys for big boys who often customize the ships to their tastes; it won't be easy to pick out the Blood of Patriots."

"Our perp has battleship guns on it!" Andrew exclaimed. "How hard is it to...?" He watched Ryo turn the monitor towards him. Three customized starships with full-scale models of famous buildings mounted on their saucer sections-- Osaka Castle's five-story-tall main tower, the Taihedian (Supreme Harmony Hall) in the Zijincheng (Purple Forbidden City), and the White House in Washington, DC-- were onscreen. "One of them must be an empty shell, camouflage to conceal the battleship guns."

"Let's start with this one." Ryo pointed at a customized starship marked "PINK STAR". "Larry Flynt," publisher of Hustler and other pornographic magazines, "has publicly criticized George W. Bush and protested against OIF. He might have attacked Vader to get at the US President." He zoomed in on the saucer section's transparent roof to show Flynt's wheelchair in the captain's position, surrounded by naked women swimming in an artificial ocean, sunbathing on an artificial beach, playing volleyball, and...

Andrew blushed, turned away from the monitor, and noticed the Toon's lecherous grin. "No, let's start with this." He drew his mallet and slammed Ryo's head against the desk.

>

The policemen decided to begin by investigating individuals with the skill to refit a Galaxy class starship with battleship guns. Ryo disguised himself as a billionaire playboy before leading Andrew towards the workshop of the Constructicons from 'Transformers'.

"Why am I disguised as a butler?" Andrew demanded.

"Because you don't have it in you to be a lying, womanizing bastard of a playboy," Ryo answered.

"Thanks... I think. Well, let's go, Bruce."

"Stay in character. You will address me as Master Bruce." Ryo watched Andrew reach for his one-ton mallet. "Weren't you paying attention when I played 'Batman: The Animated Series'?"

"Fine, Master Bruce."

"Good afternoon, Sir. May I help you?" the receptionist, a RA-7 servant/spy droid, asked as the policemen entered the lobby.

"Yes, I'm Bruce Wayne. I'm here to see the Constructicons about customizing my new starship," Ryo claimed.

"My masters are busy with another client at this moment. Will you wait, or would you like to schedule an appointment?"

"I'll just come back tomorrow." Ryo lead Andrew out of the building, towards an air conditioning vent, and examined the security systems in it. "IR sensors, laser tripwire... I can disable those and get us into that air duct. Wanna see what the Cons are up to?"

"Hell yes," Andrew answered. He scanned the street for passersby as Ryo sent two spyders, small four-legged robots, into the vent to disable the security systems.

"Clear," Ryo reported before crawling into the duct, followed by Andrew. They advanced 15 meters before laser beams pierced the duct walls. "Yaaaa!" Gravity pulled down the section they were in, into a giant robot's waiting hands.

Bonecrusher shook the metal duct, throwing Andrew and Ryo onto the floor. The Constructicons' weapons targeted the policeman and the Toon. "What have we here?"

"Mays-san?"

Andrew looked up. "Miss Tenoh? Miss Kaioh?"

Haruka faced Hook, the Constructicon Commander. "Let them go, they're police..."

"Mokko--!" Wham! "Ite!" Ryo cried.

"What are you doing here?" the policeman continued, pinning his partner under the mallet.

"Investigating the terrorists who dishonored Pluto and Saturn," Michiru answered. "Gen Vader was kind enough to provide contacts who can assist us."

"Did you get any leads?"

Haruka's sword pointed at a hologram of the starship with the Taihedian mounted on the saucer section. "This ship, the Ziyuncheng," Purple Cloud City, "is currently owned by Wu Zhao."

"Alias Brigitte Wu," Andrew noted, "the local Shan Chu," Mountain Lord, a triad (Chinese secret society) boss.

"The original owner gave her the Ziyuncheng to settle a debt. After Miss Wu took possession of it, she hired the Constructicons to arm the ship with ten M65 280 mm field guns-- those things can fire 15-kiloton nuclear shells."

Ryo whistled. "That's a lot of firepower."

Andrew nodded. "A 280 mm field gun is not a 16-inch battleship gun, but it's a start. Let's have a chat with Miss Wu."

->

Washu was analyzing a DNA sample when the intruder alarm was tripped. "If this is Mihoshi's doing, I'll banish her to the Phantom Zone," she swore, thinking of her blonde costar from 'Tenchi Muyo!' The mad scientist teleported out of sight.

A thin man in black armor, resembling Ashram's in 'Record of Lodoss War', lead a Trekkie platoon-- 32 men who were either too fat or too thin to serve in the US military-- towards the artificial wombs.

"We, the Communist Revolution for the American Proletariat, are here to liberate... Ow!" a Trekkie cried when the thin man hit the back of his head.

"Hush!" The thin man drew his great sword, raising it over his head to carve a rune upon an artificial womb. "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" The sword, longer than the thin man was tall, was too heavy for him; he lost his balance and fell on his back, the sword blade burying itself in a wall behind him. Another alarm sounded as the thin man struggled to free the sword.

"You just punctured the west wall of Biosphere 1337, allowing outside air to contaminate the biosphere's internal atmosphere," Washu noted as she teleported in front of the thin man. "It will cost $300.23 to repair the damage. I hope you can cover that." A ball of superheated plasma formed in her hand, ready to fire.

"NSFW!" Blinding light filled the lab as the thin man cast a magic spell against Washu. "Shoot her!" The Trekkies targeted the mad scientist, only to drop like flies when Washu fired the plasma ball at their feet.

"Do you actually think lust magic will be effective against Washu-chan, the greatest scientific genius in the universe, whose mind has evolved light-years beyond yours?" Washu smirked, forming another plasma ball. "Pay up, and I'll just call the police and have you arrested as intruders. Resist, and I'll use you as Guinea pigs..."

Blinding light filled the thin man's hand as he prepared to cast another spell. "PW--!" Before he could cast it, the thin man suddenly flew against the biosphere wall, a loose screw attracted by a magnet. "Ahhhh!" Human hands tore through the wall, one gripping his right wrist as the other clawed at his throat. "TTYL!" The thin man teleported out of his armor, abandoning it to escape.

"Comrade Yerfburger!" a Trekkie called, realizing the thin man had abandoned him. He watched the hands tear a hole in the biosphere wall to reach the armor. 'So this is what a c-section looks like from a child's POV,' he thought as Anna, the "surgeon" performing the "cesarean section," swaggered out of the biosphere.

"Anna-kun?" Washu called.

The policewoman didn't answer as she examined the armor before donning it. She raised and lowered her arms and legs to test the fit. "A little loose around the shoulders," Anna noted in Romanian.

The Trekkies rose to their feet, their phasers targeting the policewoman. "Strip!" "You won't need clothes-- symbols of sexual repression-- for we, the Communist Revolution for the American Proletariat, are here to liberate you from... Gurgle!" The great sword flew from the wall like a bat out of hell, cutting the Trekkies' throats before flying into Anna's hand.

"Anna-kun, you're not well," Washu said in Japanese.

The policewoman ignored the mad scientist as the blood activated a curse upon the sword; burning red runes appeared on the blade. "A good sword," she noted in Romanian.

"Miss Anna, you're not well," Washu said in the same language. "Return to..." The sword flew from Anna's hand; Washu caught the blade, stopping the point one centimeter in front of her left eye. "Gasp!"

"State your name and purpose," Anna demanded.

"I'm Washu-chan, the greatest scientific genius in the universe. I'm here to help you by finding a cure for the... sickness that you suffer from."

Anna watched her own hands shake with fatigue. "I see." She raised a Trekkie's body off the floor, using her thumb like a bottle opener to remove the head. The Trekkie's heart still pumped blood to the missing head; Anna raised the corpse upside down, letting the blood flow into her mouth. "The blood is the life." Her fingers tore into the Trekkie's chest, her returning strength crushing bone like chalk; Anna smiled and threw the drained corpse behind her. "With his blood, I am returned to the world of the living."

Washu hid her keyboard behind her back, ordering her computer to scan Anna's body. 'Her immune system has eliminated the H-Virus. Her brain functions are normal, but...' "I welcome you to the world of the living, Miss..."

Anna glided over the floor, her right hand gripping the sword as her left closed around Washu's neck and raised the mad scientist off the floor. "I am no woman! I am Mihnea Dracula, son of the noble Vlad Dracula and heir to his powers! I am Voivode," Warrior Prince, "of Wallachia and a knight in the Order of the Dragon!"

Although Washu was surprised by Anna's speed, the mad scientist didn't panic. "I... apologize... noble Mihnea... I thought... you were... someone else... Gasp!" Her arms flailed when she was released; Washu recovered control over her powers to hover 30 centimeters above the floor.

"Interesting." Anna/Mihnea's magnetic field suspended her ten centimeters above the metal floor, now red with blood. "Use your powers in my service, and I'll let you live, Washu-chan."

"Sorry, I'm not interested in being your servant." Washu teleported away from Anna/Mihnea, reappearing a safe distance away. The mad scientist heard the policewoman/voivode shriek in anger as she ordered, "Computer, activate Security Protocol 223 and..." Boom! Her psychokinetic powers shielded her from falling debris when a graviton beam blasted a hole in the lab roof. "How rude."

The Blood hovered over the hole in the roof; Washu noted it had a graviton cannon in place of a navigational deflector. Phaser beams cut a circle in the floor before tractor beams lifted a floor section-- and the artificial wombs on it-- towards the ship. A ramp lowered from the saucer section, revealing a Trekkie battalion.

Mihnea hovered above the floor section, sensing the blood flowing through the Trekkies' bodies. The voivode smiled; without dentures to hide them, her/his metallic teeth shined like razor blades. The sword pointed at a Trekkie as Mihnea rocketed into the saucer.

Washu saw sparks shoot from the saucer; she watched the floor section drop like a bomb. "Damn!" The mad scientist psychokinetically froze the floor section in midair. 'Anna-kun must have damaged or destroyed the tractor beam emitter,' she noted, carefully lowering the floor section back in place. Boom! A fireball erupted from the saucer's ventral surface, destroying a phaser array. Washu watched the graviton cannon fire to create a dimensional rift. "What a bother," she sighed as the Blood escaped through the rift, which closed after it.

>

The Blood's saucer was refitted to deliver the equivalent of a Marine Expeditionary Unit (MEU)-- 2,200 marines supported by armored vehicles, artillery, transport and attack helicopters-- to a planetary surface. Her well deck once held M35A2 trucks, M151 jeeps, M60A3 MBTs, M109A4 self-propelled 155 mm howitzers, and M163 air defense vehicles, to be "manned" by the women in the artificial wombs.

The well deck was now a junkyard; a magnetic field lifted one-ton jeeps, eight-ton trucks, 25-ton self-propelled guns, and 52-ton tanks off the floor, slamming the vehicles against each other and through walls and ceilings, transforming them all into scrap metal. Human limbs twitched from under wrecked vehicles, now red with blood.

The chief engineer lead a woman in Klingon armor-- Mary Sue III, the Blood's captain-- around a hole in the floor, formed when Anna/Mihnea "drove" a M60A3 like a hammer upon a nail. "The MBT fell through several decks before its onboard ammunition exploded, triggering a chain reaction that destroyed the forward torpedo launcher, severed the graviton cannon's conduits..."

"... and disabled the Blood's most powerful weapons. When will they be repaired?" Mary demanded.

"We cannot repair them; Starbase Beta doesn't have the necessary capacity."

Mary angrily marched towards a truck-turned-nail in the wall. "Comrade Yerfburger, you are a powerful wizard. Despite your apparent skills,"-- bitter sarcasm filled the words-- "you failed your mission and allowed a baby killer," US military service member, "to board my ship, where the baby killer used your own sword to spill the blood of our comrades. Can you explain how this came to be?"

The thin man-- Frederick "Fred" Yerfburger-- crawled out from his hiding place under the truck; his head rose to see Mary's bat'leth (honor sword) rise, ready to behead him. "That was no baby killer, that was a demon of vengeance. His powers are great and terrible-- my own were barely enough to save me." Fred pointed at a red line where Anna/Mihnea almost tore open his throat.

"My own were barely enough to save us all." Mary lured Mihnea into an escape pod; the Trekkie was teleported out of it before the pod was ejected. 'The gunnery crew will be punished for failing to shoot the pod and kill the baby killer inside.' "Can you send this 'demon of vengeance' back into hell?"

"Give me 24 hours and I'll find a spell to exorcise the demon," Fred answered.

"You best hope our paths don't cross with the demon before then, or I'll kill you myself."

->

Armed with info the Constructicons provided, Andrew and Ryo sat in the Toon's Austin Mini Cooper S as Haruka's Gundam carried the car under its left arm, towards a hangar leased by the Shan Chu.

"What the hell...?" Andrew watched protestors hold "KILL SHIMOMURA YUJI!!!" signs and burn effigies of soldiers in front of a hangar. "Put us down in front of the crowd," the policeman radioed.

Ryo drew his Colt Python .357 Magnum (9 x 33 mm R) revolver. "Are you sure you wanna get involved with this, whatever this is?"

"We're police officers; our job is to get involved." Airport security guards and protestors moved out of the way as the Gundam put down the car.

"They replaced Units 00 and 02 with gay Gundams!" a protestor shouted, mistaking the Gundam and Guncannon for Evangelions. He raised a bokken (wooden sword). "Kill...!" Bang! "Eek!" The protestor fell on his butt and pissed in his pants.

Andrew lowered his GLOCK 17 9 mm pistol, smoke rising from the muzzle. "This is the APD. You're disturbing the peace. Please leave the premises..."

"We ain't leaving until Shimomura Yuji commits seppuku," cut stomach, a form of ritual suicide, "to atone for his perversion!" a protestor shouted.

"Hey, just because you don't like 'Death Trance'," an action movie Shimomura directed, "doesn't give you the right to..." Andrew felt Ryo put a hand on his shoulder, and turned. The Toon pointed at a red and white insignia resembling a fig leaf, encircled by the words "UNITED NATIONS NUCLEAR EMERGENCY RESPONSE VECTOR" and "GOD'S IN HIS HEAVEN, ALL'S RIGHT WITH THE WORLD," adorning the hangar. "This is about the new 'Evangelion' OAVs," he guessed.

"Shimomura Yuji is the director of that perversion!"

Andrew sighed. "I hate otaku," fans.

"We demand...!"

'I don't have time for this.' "Miss Tenoh, Miss Kaioh, are your mobile suits equipped with non-lethal weapons?" Andrew radioed.

"I can lower the water pressure in the cannons so the Deep Submerge won't cause fatal injuries," Michiru answered.

"Please use them to disperse the rioters." Andrew lowered his head and put his left hand over his fedora, hiding a smile as a tidal wave swept the protestors across the street. He shook water off his trench coat and turned to Ryo. "Let's go." The police officers showed their badges to security guards, who let the Mini Cooper S through the airport gates.

>

Aboard the Zhu Jiang (Pearl River)-- a Danube class runabout remodeled to serve as a "flying limousine"-- a bodyguard approached Brigitte Wu as she was drinking milk tea. "Shan Chu, a man and a Toon claiming to be police officers are approaching the hangar," the bodyguard reported. "Shall we return to the Ziyuncheng?"

"What are their names?" Brigitte asked.

"They identified themselves as Andrew Mays and Saeba Ryo."

"The Anime Detective and the City Hunter." Brigitte smiled. "No, we'll land as scheduled. I'd like to meet the officers."

"Yes, Shan Chu."

>

The hangar guards aimed assault rifles and machine guns at the Mini Cooper S as the Zhu Jiang landed.

"Type 81s," Ryo noted. "The currency with which PLA," Chinese People's Liberation Army, "generals pay for their penthouses." Brigitte's cover, the legal occupation through which she laundered her illegal earnings, was a real estate developer; she owned several hotels.

The guards parted to let the Shan Chu approach the car, flanked by beautiful female bodyguards. "Good morning, Sgt Mays, Sgt Saeba." Brigitte smiled. "How may I help you and the APD?"

Andrew raised a copy of the Ziyuncheng's blueprints and pointed at a gun mount. "You can start by telling me what you plan to do with ten atomic cannons," a nickname for the M65.

Brigitte's expression didn't change. "They're for self-defense."

"From whom? Skywalker Ranch?"

"Sgt Mays, I am a businesswoman-- a capitalist and a realist-- not one of the idealistic fools within the Communist Revolution for the American Proletariat."

"What about your friends in the PLA?" Ryo added.

"They're realists who know China needs a market economy to pay for modern tanks, fighters, and warships; they won't turn back the clock and fight with weapons that became obsolete 40 years ago."

"And what does the PLA do with obsolete weapons? Sell them to radicals who'll bomb a wedding ceremony to promote their cause?" Andrew said with suppressed anger.

"The M60's an American tank design," Ryo whispered to Andrew.

The words didn't escape Brigitte's hearing. "Sgt Mays, the duty of investigating corruption within the US military is certainly more important-- and more financially rewarding-- than investigating the means with which a woman defends her honor. I'll leave you alone so you may focus on your duties. Have a nice day." The bodyguards escorted her to a white Rolls-Royce Phantom VI.

"Damn," Andrew cursed, watching the white limo drive away.

"Should we follow her?" Ryo asked.

"No, she has a point. Have Nene," Detective Nene Romanova, "keep track of Miss Wu. You and I need to talk to Vader about those tanks." 'If he conspired with the terrorists to advance his own political ambitions, I'll have his head on a silver platter,' Andrew swore as the Mini Cooper S drove towards the Gundam.

->

Dragon Wing, a great sword whose runes cursed a warrior with bloodlust, sensed the awakening of the warrior who held it. The sword whispered, "Give me blood to quench my thirst, and I will give you pleasure greater than Heaven and Hell's," trying to drive the warrior to kill-- enemies, friends and family, or the warrior herself, it didn't matter-- but received no answer. 'Is the warrior's will strong enough to...?'

Slash! Dragon Wing tasted metal and then felt the sun's warmth. The warrior swaggered out of her prison-- the sword remembered it was called an escape pod-- and faced a tentacle demon.

Doctor Psycho had great plans for the Psychic Dominator rising from the hospital roof; he aborted these plans when the pod crashed into the rebuilt radio tower. The cyborg-- antagonist of the 'SM Nurses' OAVs-- howled in anger, swearing to violate the women and torture the men in the pod. "Your ass is mine!" Psycho's mechanical tentacles reached for the warrior exiting the pod. A flash, sunlight reflected on a sword blade, made him blink; his eyes opened to see sparks fly from the live wires where the tentacles were severed. "Ahhhh!" he screamed, thrown from the roof.

Dragon Wing tasted Psycho's blood and the mechanical tentacles' lubricants. "I still thirst! Give me more blood!" The warrior approached a woman chained to the tower-- the sword remembered she was a Toon, an apparition-- and held the blade against her throat. "Yes! Kill her and take pleasure from her death!"

"State your name and the reason you're prisoner here," the warrior demanded in Romanian.

Officer Ada Sakura writhed in her chains. "Please," the Toon begged in Japanese. "Hold me, thrill me, kiss me... take pleasure from my body..."

"Do you speak a civilized language?" the warrior asked in Latin.

Psycho clawed upon a wall, climbing towards the roof. His mouth bit onto a severed tentacle tipped with a needle for injecting drugs, his instrument of vengeance. He heard the warrior ask, "Do you speak German?" in the same language, and Sakura answer, "Yes."

"State your name and the reason you're prisoner here," the warrior demanded.

"I'm Ada Sakura. Dr Psycho chained me to his Psychic Dominator so my orgasms would be transmitted to every woman in Anigu, mind controlling them."

"Psycho." Tsepesh!

"Argh!" A magnetic field lifted the sword-- and Psycho, his head impaled upon the blade-- into the air.

"This metal insect with a man's face?"

"Yes. He planned to have the women serve as an army of sex slaves."

Psycho felt the sword shake his head off the blade. "Ahhhh!" he screamed, thrown towards the street below.

"An army..." The warrior remembered the battles she fought. "I need an army to command: swordsmen and spearmen, musketeers, cavalry, and artillery."

Sakura seductively smiled. "I'm an expert at handling a pink gun," a penis.

'Why would a gunsmith paint a weapon pink?' "Serve me; tell me how to use the weapons of this world, and I'll break your chains."

"My body is yours to use as you please."

Dragon Wing tasted steel chains instead of Toon blood. 'A pity, but if the warrior achieves her ambition, a war will be fought and my thirst will be quenched.'

Sakura, now unchained, performed a zarei: she kneeled, placed her hands upon the floor, and bowed until her head touched her hands. "Thank you, Master..."

"I am Mihnea Dracula."

>

Washu studied the Inner Senshi's faces as they watched a recording of Mihnea's rampage; Usagi expressed sadness, Ami calmly examined the possibility that drinking blood "cured" the voivode, Rei expressed anger at the terrorists' actions, and Makoto cheered as the great sword cut the terrorists' throats, but no one was surprised when Anna called herself Mihnea. "This has happened before," the mad scientist stated.

"When Anna-chan was in high school, her classmates used to call her a," 'dyke,' "tomboy. She was upset by this, and often asked us for advice on how to look and act feminine. We once tried different hairstyles on her-- including a pigtail," Usagi said.

"The Nerima Wrecking Crew," cast of 'Ranma 1/2', "mistook Anna-kun for Ranma-kun's female form?" Saotome Ranma, a male martial artist cursed to transform into a girl when splashed with cold water, had many rivals.

"Yes. Ryoga-kun," Hibiki Ryoga, a martial artist cursed to transform into a piglet, "burst through our classroom wall and attacked Anna-chan."

"Did she cut his throat and drink his blood?"

"No, she thrust her bokken in his rectum," Makoto said. "But the bokken was too short to be used for impalement, so Anna-chan left the classroom to get a naginata," glaive.

"Meanwhile, Ryoga-kun crawled out of the classroom, seeking revenge. Anna-chan followed the trail of blood to the gym, where the pig-headed idiot was picking a fight with the real Ranma-kun," Rei said with controlled anger.

"Anna-chan impaled Ryoga-kun upon a wooden naginata and planted it in the gym floor." 'He deserved it,' Makoto thought, smiling.

"Why didn't you exorcise Dracula's evil spirit?" Washu asked.

"Anna is not Dracula's victim, she's his reincarnation; they share the same soul," Rei stated. "Expelling Dracula's soul will reduce Anna to a human vegetable."

"I see. How did Anna-kun overpower Hibiki Ryoga?" The mad scientist remembered the martial artist's superhuman strength and abilities.

"Ranma-kun never strikes at an opponent's groin; he considers such attacks dishonorable. Anna-chan is half-American, and considers attacks against a sex offender's groin to be a justifiable act of self-defense-- and fitting punishment."

'Such a waste,' Washu didn't say.

"We better forward this video to Venus, Uranus, and Neptune, so they'll be prepared if they encounter Anna-chan," Ami suggested.

The computer beeped to alert Washu. "You better hurry. A magnetic field, generated by someone with McKellan's Syndrome, was detected in H-Ville."

"Is it Anna-chan?!" four concerned friends asked.

A satellite image of the hospital, and holographic model based on the image, were displayed; the magnetic field lifted cars off the street below, planting them upright around the hospital. "Whoever it is, he or she is apparently building a fortress," Washu noted as the cars' fuel tanks ignited to form a "firewall."

"Then we better get some bunker busters," Makoto suggested.

->

Haruka and Michiru received Ami's message as they flew towards the dimensional doorway to Washu's lab. "Mays-san, we must get to... H-Ville," Haruka said the name with disgust. "Anna-kun's there."

"What?!" "Mokko--!" Wham! "Ite!" "How'd that happen?!" Andrew demanded.

"According to Ami-kun, CRAP attacked Washu's lab while we were away; they apparently tried to kidnap victims of the H-Virus."

"Is Alise...?"

"Your sister is safe within her artificial womb. Anna-kun defeated the attackers and pursued them aboard their battleship when it escaped through a dimensional rift. Somehow she ended up in... H-Ville."

'Damn.' "All right, let's go crack some skulls in H-Ville." Andrew patted the subspace pocket where the Beaver Tooth chainsaw was.

"Let's start with the Purple Palace." Wham! "Ite! What was that for?!" Ryo demanded.

"That was for suggesting we go to a brothel," Andrew deadpanned. "Now get your head out of the gutter before I use it for tameshigiri," testing a new sword's sharpness.

The Gundam and Guncannon followed Washu's directions to reach the hospital-turned-fortress, now facing a Forest of the Impaled-- men impaled upon iron stakes, their cries of pain a warning to Dracula's enemies. "Gasp!" "In the name of the Moon..."

Andrew exited the Mini Cooper S. "Anyone you know?" he asked.

Ryo examined a dying man's face before removing a fake mustache. "Okita Hiroyuki, alias Harry Wong. Arrested for trespassing, sexual assault, and robbery. What's he doing out of jail?"

"Lawyer..."

"He's still alive! Call an ambulance!" Ryo shouted.

"No... too much pain... Kill me," the dying man begged. "Kill my lawyer... he got me out of jail... technicality cost me..." He breathed his last breath.

"Since he... doesn't need it... can I ride... in the ambulance?"

Ryo turned to a tentacle demon disguised as a bishonen (beautiful young man). "You're Hades, right?"

"God of... the underworld... antagonist... of 'Aphrodite Six'." The demon spoke with difficulty; a stake pierced his diaphragm, liver, stomach and intestines. "I taught lesbians... to worship... the male phallus..."

The Gundam and Guncannon's beam rifles targeted Hades. "Worship this," Haruka and Michiru said.

"Calm down, Miss Tenoh, Miss Kaioh. Let me ask some questions first; you can shoot later," Andrew insisted.

"I wanted to... fuck the nurses... Black knight with blood-red hair... burst through the ceiling... said this hospital was his." Hades waved at a row of impaled Toons in lab coats. "Slaughtered the men here... the shemales..."

"Excuse me, are you here to join Prince Mihnea's army?"

The police officers and the Sailor Senshi turned to see Sakura holding flyers in her hands. "Sakura-chan? What are you doing here?" Ryo asked.

"Prince Mihnea took me in his service and ordered me to find fierce warriors who'd fight in his army. I've been handing out flyers to attract recruits," Sakura answered.

"Prince Mihnea?" "I've heard of that name. Where...?" An explosion interrupted the police officers' thoughts. "What the hell?!" Two mobile suits-- a MS-06F Zaku II from 'Gundam' and a ZGMF-1000 ZAKU Warrior from 'Gundam SEED'-- rocketed over the red light district, firing machine guns and beam rifles as they lunged, hacked at each other with tomahawks, and broke away to repeat the attacks. The MS pilots, determined to destroy each other, didn't notice Andrew and Ryo were in the line of fire.

"Take cover!" The Sailor Senshi grabbed the police officers, rocketed over the firewall, and somersaulted into the hospital garage as a fireball consumed the Zaku and ZAKU Warrior.

>

Dragon Wing now knew why the warrior was deaf to him: like a serpent's hiss drowned out by a lion's roar, the sword's call for blood was drowned out by the warrior's call for a war to bathe the earth in blood. 'Beautiful,' he thought, sharing the warrior's joy in watching armored demons-- the sword remembered they were called robots-- battle, raining fire and death on the city.

Using the Psychic Dominator as a watchtower, Mihnea broadcast her bloodlust to drive thousands of humans, Toons, and Sprites to fight and kill, burn and destroy. The strongest warriors would survive these trials to serve in the East Wallachian Army-- her army. The voivode saw two of the robots fly into her fortress to escape the battle. 'I see Sakura brought guests into my castle.' She jumped off the watchtower, her magnetic field slowing her descent.

>

Haruka and Michiru transformed out of the Gundam and Guncannon, sending the mobile suits to a hangar in Charon Castle-- Setsuna's castle on Pluto-- to be magically summoned when needed. "What now?"

"Now we rescue Anna from the perps holding her hostage." Andrew shouldered the Spanker as his left hand gripped the GLOCK 17, ready to face any challenge-- except the scene in the lobby. "Oh my God!"

"Erase me," Toon doctors begged. "Please... erase me..." Their torsos were cut open to reveal internal organs, the ribcages nailed to the walls to form wings, the hanging intestines nailed to the floor to form tails. Horns, painted in Toon blood behind their heads, made them resemble demons. A cross adorned the ceiling, symbolizing Christ's triumph over the demons.

"It's... more complicated than you think," Haruka said. "Anna is... the reincarnation of Dracula. Sometimes she... gets confused as to whether she's a woman living in 21st century Japan, or a man living in 15th century Romania."

Toon nurses entered the lobby, carrying blood bags; one of them noticed the policewoman. "Sakura-sama!" Andrew grabbed the back of Ryo's neck and forced the lecher to look away as the nurse and the policewoman embraced and kissed each other. "Prince Mihnea demands to see you."

'Mihnea cel Rau! Mihnea the Evildoer, Dracula's son! That's where I heard that name!' Andrew realized. "Take us to him." He sensed the nurse's suspicion. "We're warriors who wish to join Prince Mihnea's army."

"Come with us." The nurses led the police officers and the Sailor Senshi to the atrium designed to hide the Psychic Dominator when it was retracted, now Mihnea's throne room.

"In the name of the Moon," Michiru whispered in shock. Behind her, nurses emptied blood bags into the sea of blood covering the atrium floor. The hemoglobin, magnetically propelled against the walls, formed towering waves to circulate oxygen and keep the blood fresh. Some of the blood was from men nailed to the walls, their bodies torn in half so urine and feces wouldn't pollute the sea. Voices begging, "Kill me," echoed in the room.

Steel lances-- rebars magnetically torn out of reinforced concrete-- shot towards Andrew and Ryo, freezing in midair a centimeter from their throats. "Gasp!" Haruka and Michiru were fast enough to each catch a lance with their bare hands, but other lances shot towards them. "We surrender," the Sailor Senshi said in German, raising their arms as the lances froze a centimeter from their heads and torsos.

Mihnea flew towards the police officers. "Explain why you allowed these people to enter the castle, Officer Sakura," she demanded, holding Dragon Wing's edge against the Toon's throat.

"Milord, these people are warriors who wish to join your army," Sakura answered.

"Can I trust them not to stab me in the back?"

"Anna-kun, we're friends, remember?" Haruka pleaded. "You've seen me practice my swordsmanship; you know I don't stab my opponents in the back when I cross swords with them." Mihnea ignored her.

"I know one of them intimately." Sakura pointed at Ryo. "Sergeant Saeba Ryo. He's a sex machine who-- I mean he's an honorable man who'd never act in such a cowardly manner."

"The Turks also boasted of their sexual prowess; it made them no more honorable than the thieves and murderers impaled on the orders of my father and I."

"We're not Turks, we're Japanese," Haruka stated. "As warriors of Japanese descent, we'd rather die in honor than live in shame."

"What the hell are they talking about?" Andrew didn't understand German.

"Dracula thinks we might stab her-- I mean him-- in the back. Uranus is trying to convince her-- I mean him-- we're trustworthy," Michiru explained.

Andrew watched Mihnea hold Dragon Wing's edge against Haruka's throat. "Is Dracula convinced?"

"A female sodomite," Mihnea said, amused. "Sodomy is a sin against God's laws. Do you think I'll spare you and your whore because you're women?"

'If your soul wasn't in the body of my friend, I'd thrust the Space Sword down your throat and cut out your homophobic, hate-filled heart!' Haruka hid her anger, countering, "Will you spare yourself for enjoying the company of your wives and concubines? For taking pleasure from a woman's body?"

Mihnea cut off Haruka's choker. "I was a crusader. This," the voivode put a hand over her heart, "is a test of faith. God will restore me to a man's body once I pass this test."

"I was also a crusader, now facing a test of faith." Haruka hid her fear as Mihnea held Dragon Wing's edge against Michiru's throat.

"And this... woman?"

"She was my beloved in my past life, when I was a crusader; she remains loyal to me in this life."

"Then God will forgive you... if you serve me as a knight in the East Wallachian Army."

"We will."

Mihnea glided backwards. "Then welcome." She magnetically summoned a tray with a wine bottle and two glasses half-full of wine; then blood shot out of the sea to fill the glasses. Mihnea shook a glass, mixing the blood and wine before handing the glass to Haruka. "Drink?"

"We don't drink... wine." The Sailor Senshi hid her disgust as Mihnea drank the blood-wine mixture.

->

"You need what?!" Lee Price-- US Senator from Georgia, Republican Party member-- shouted into the phone.

"12 tanks, eight self-propelled howitzers, eight self-propelled antiaircraft guns, 40 trucks with 2.5 ton cargo capacities, and 12 reconnaissance vehicles, all mounting heavy machine guns," Mary repeated.

'Gold-digging bitch!' "What happened to the shit you stole from that Georgia National Guard armory?" A member of the Senate Committee on Armed Services, Lee provided the terrorists with weapons, including 16" and 5" gun turrets built for the USS Kentucky and Illinois, Iowa class battleships which were scrapped.

The woman emphasized the words "you" and "your" as she said, "You mean the vehicles you stole from the armory and transferred to us so we can eliminate Gen Vader? They were lost in combat. Sen. Price, surely you realize we'd have casualties if we executed your plan to eliminate one of your political rivals, lay the blame on the Chinese People's Liberation Army, and justify the invasion of China?"

"You're in Japan, ain't you? Why don't you just get some of those 'Gun-Damned' robots or something?"

"Sen. Price, we cannot acquire," 'more,' "mobile suits without alerting Vader; the Sith Lord planted spies in Sunrise, the animation studio responsible for 'Mobile Suit Gundam', to warn him if a Sunrise Toon plotted against him and to execute the Sunrise President if such a plot exists." The Sunrise President was imprisoned after Char Aznable, antagonist of 'Gundam', attempted to assassinate the Sith Lord in 2004; he still feared Vader's wrath.

"Well, that ain't my problem."

"It is unless you want a record of this conversation to be released to the press, Sen. Price. Do you think you'll be reelected if your constituents knew you were conspiring with communist terrorists to start a war?"

"What? You bitch, you're taping this?!"

"The recording is done digitally; there is no tape for you to destroy, Sen. Price. Now will you provide the vehicles, or...?"

Lee's hand tightened around the handset, as if it was a voodoo doll's neck and he could magically strangle Mary. "I need time to prepare the paperwork, or people will wonder where all that shit is going, and we'll both be six feet under."

"Very well." The woman hanged up.

Lee slammed the handset against its cradle, breaking it. "Porkyyyy!"

Ray "Porky" Price, Lee's nephew and aide, entered the senator's office. "Yes, Uncle Lee?" The broken phone, thrown like a football, hit his groin. "Argh!"

"You ain't no baby! Stop crying, get rid of that trash, and get me another phone!"

"Yes, Uncle Lee." Porky picked up the broken phone and limped out of the office. "Oh, good evening, Miss Murray." Porky straightened himself, trying to impress Lee's secretary.

"Good evening, Mister Price."

Porky couldn't hide a lecherous grin as he said, "I got something to do right now, but afterwards, why don't we go and have dinner together?"

The secretary smiled, suppressing a shudder as Porky caressed her shoulder. "Is that appropriate, Mr. Price? A married man and a single woman having dinner together?"

"Don't worry about the old sow; she's learned to show respect to her husband."

"How fortunate of you. Unfortunately for me, I have a prior engagement."

"Tell that guy to go fuck himself. I'm a better fuck than whoever you have this 'prior engagement' with," Porky insisted.

"Your uncle, Sen. Price?"

Porky stopped smiling. "Goodbye." He limped as quickly as he could out of the reception room adjoining Sen. Price's office.

The secretary heard a beep; an incoming transmission automatically turned on the integral radio in her mask. "Calm down, Mina-chan. You don't want to be a murderess, do you?" Ami pleaded, monitoring the secretary's heart rate and blood pressure.

Mina, wearing a realsuit-- human costume-- and undercover as "Mina Murray," answered, "I do."

"But..."

Vader interrupted Ami. "We need Ray Price alive... for now. You may execute him after we have enough evidence to convict Sen. Price for treason."

Mina sadistically smiled. "Okay, Vader-kun."

->

Sunday, July 1. Morning. "... and then the bitch threw me onto the street below... again," Psycho explained.

Saitou glared at the suspect handcuffed to a chair in front of him. "You built a mind control machine to broadcast emotions to everyone in the city?"

"No, I built the Psychic Dominator to mind control women, creating an army of sex slaves." Psycho felt Saitou's fist impact his head, knocking over the chair. "Ah! You bastard!"

The policeman stomped on the cyborg's face. "Do you know the consequences of your unrestrained lust?! Do you know what your Psychic Dominator is doing to the people of Anigu now?!" Saitou-- suffering from sleep deprivation due to the countless duels, riots, and battles erupting all over the city-- vented his anger and frustration upon Psycho.

A detective burst into the interrogation room. "Capt Saitou, another mecha," giant robot, "battle has spread into the business district! Heero Yuy is trying to kill Kira Yamato! The Wing Gundam and Strike Freedom's combined firepower have caused three buildings to collapse and set five on fire!"

Saitou took deep breaths to calm down. "Return the suspect to his cell. And make sure he's properly secured, or you'll be next to feel my wrath."

"Yes, Sir!"

>

"Damn it! People are dying out there, and we're stuck here babysitting the reincarnation of Mihnea cel Rau?!" Andrew hissed in the garage.

"Not so loud," Ryo whispered back. "The white noise machine," which prevented others from eavesdropping, "has limits, you know."

Michiru exited the Guncannon cockpit. "I've called the Inner Senshi and reported what happened. Mercury and Mars are researching ways to change Anna-kun back to normal, the Princess is recruiting mecha pilots to retake the hospital, and Jupiter is baking cookies for them."

Andrew raised a skeptical eyebrow. "Tsukino Usagi is recruiting... mecha pilots?"

"Do not be concerned, they will be warned about the magnetic field and its effects on mechanical, electrical, and electronic systems."

'That's not what I'm concerned about.' Andrew shrugged. "They got any luck finding a cure for the H-Virus?"

"Not yet."

"Hooray! Ite!" Ryo cried as two angry women and one protective brother raised arms against him.

>

The XXXG-00W0 Wing Gundam Zero Custom's twin buster rifles targeted the ZGMF-X20A Strike Freedom. "I'm going to kill you," Heero Yuy swore. The pilot squeezed the trigger as a concussion missile hit Wing Gundam's back, knocking the shot off target. "What?!"

Eight Kobu-- the heroes and heroines' "Armors of Light" in 'Sakura Wars'-- rocketed down a Millennium Falcon replica's ramp as the modified YT-1300 freighter flew over the mecha. "Imperial Floral Assault Force, Flower Division! Attack!" The Kobu fell in 4-way sequential formations, holding nets as they fell towards the mobile suits, restraining them.

"I must complete the mission." Heero drew a beam saber and slashed upwards, freeing the Wing Gundam.

"Watch out!" Kirishima Kanna watched the Wing Gundam swing its combined rifles to bludgeon her Kobu. The exoskeleton's arms crossed to block the blow, which knocked Kanna into an office building. "Ah!"

"Miss Kohran, watch out!" Iris Chateaubriand warned as the twin buster rifles targeted Ri Kohran's Kobu.

"No!" The Strike Freedom's wings unfolded to tear open the net. Kira Yamato drew a beam saber and severed the twin buster rifles' barrels. "I won't let you hurt any more people!" the pilot swore.

"I'm going to kill you." Heero drew a second saber to stab the Strike Freedom's cockpit.

"Silver Moon Crystal Power Kiss!" Golden light enveloped the Wing Gundam; its electronic and electrical systems disabled, the MS fell onto the street below. Heero was fortunate Kira didn't share his cold-blooded ruthlessness, or the Strike Freedom would've attacked the defenseless Wing Gundam.

The Kobu pilots watched a VF-1S descend between them and the Strike Freedom, shielding the MS. "Sailor Moon?!"

"I'm sorry, Saitou-san, but I can't let you arrest Kira-kun. I need his help to resolve the crisis in H-Ville," Usagi radioed.

The YT-1300 hovered above the battlefield, its missiles locked on the VF-1S and the Strike Freedom, its quad laser cannons targeting the Wing Gundam. "Tsukino-san, Kira Yamato is under arrest for assault, reckless endangerment, and destruction of private property," Saitou radioed from the cockpit. "Cease your protection of him, or..." He noticed the Wing Gundam cockpit open to reveal Heero aiming a FIM-92A Stinger missile launcher at the VF-1S cockpit. "Take cover!"

A Sentinel class landing craft dived towards the Wing Gundam, firing lasers to prevent Heero from launching the Stinger. The freighter climbed to avoid a midair collision. "How dare they steal the credit for our victory?!" Kanzaki Sumire, Saitou's wife, exclaimed as her YT-1300 turned to engage the Sentinel.

"Violet Phoenix, this is the US Air Force. We have a message from Lord Vader. Land so we may deliver it," the Sentinel pilot radioed.

"Damn." Saitou turned to his wife. "Land, Dear."

TIE interceptors covered the Sentinel as it landed. The second and fourth sabertrooper squads charged out of the landing craft to arrest Heero, transformed into charcoal by the lasers; A150 led the first and third squads to the freighter. "Capt Saitou, we have evidence proving Kira Yamato's innocence." The platoon leader handed a DVD to the policeman. "These images, taken by reconnaissance satellites, show the Wing Gundam launching an unprovoked attack against Mr. Yamato's residence."

"Not... unprovoked. Kira... impersonated me." Heero felt a power nodachi cut deeply into his shoulder. "I'm going... to kill..." A sabertrooper cut his throat to silence the Wing Gundam pilot.

"Mr. Yamato acted in self-defense when he piloted the Strike Freedom in combat against the Wing Gundam," A150 finished. Behind her, the VF-1S and the Strike Freedom's cockpits opened so Usagi could talk to Kira.

Saitou put the DVD in his laptop computer and examined the video and photographs. "It appears valid. How much time did Vader's propaganda officers spend forging this?"

"If you doubt its validity, you may have one of your experts examine the images, but Kira Yamato must remain in our custody," A150 stated.

'Damn Americans. I wish to have my own Death Star and show you how it feels when a foreign government uses the threat of force to demand concessions from you.' "Very well." Saitou turned to Sumire. "Let's return home, Dear." The Kobu drove into the YT-1300's cargo bay before the freighter flew towards Saitou's mansion; then the police dispatcher radioed Saitou about a riot in the industrial district. "Roarrrr!"

Meanwhile, Kira raised his fist, swearing, "I can't let the people of this city suffer due to one man's selfish desires."

Usagi, as the winged Eternal Sailor Moon, flew towards the pilot to embrace him. "Thank you, Kira-kun!"

Kira blushed, his face pressed against Usagi's breasts. "Y-your w-w-welcome."

>

"Aren't the Americans the villains?" Shinn Asuka, Kira's rival in 'Gundam SEED Destiny', asked.

"They were the villains in the original story," Lunamaria "Luna" Hawke, Shinn's costar in 'Gundam SEED Destiny', explained. "Then Vader became VP," Vice President, "of Sunrise, and used his authority as VP to demand changes in the story."

"For the better, right?" Rei hoped.

"Well," Luna began, "the studio was forced to scrap Episodes One to Ten, redesign us to be three years older-- not that Shinn became more emotionally mature--"

"Hey!" Shinn protested.

"And refilm the episodes to show the Eurasian Federation President, not the Atlantic Federation's," who led a nation formed from the nations of North American, Great Britain and Ireland, "order a nuclear attack against the PLANTs. Episodes 11 to 20 had us helping the 'Sons of Liberty' free North America from a Eurasian Federation-dominated Earth Alliance."

"I understand you're reluctant to cooperate with Vader-san. But I swear in the name of the Moon," Rei put her hands over her heart, "the Sailor Senshi's goals are to save innocent lives and stop the cause of the riots now consuming Anigu, not promote American imperialism."

"Okay. And the money he's offering?" Luna added.

Makoto, wearing sunglasses and a trench coat like a triad assassin, opened her suitcase to display $500,000. "$100,000 to each of you, plus expenses."

"Make it $200,000 each and we're in," Luna countered.

"Let's meet in the middle: $150,000."

"Deal." Luna shook Makoto's hand.

"But Luna..." Shinn felt the other MS pilot hit the back of his head. "Ow!"

"Stop being such a wimp!" Luna demanded. "Or would you rather go on another date with Impaler Princess?" A150's nickname.

Shinn shuddered, remembering the time he faced the sabertroopers as the opposing force (OPFOR) in a war game. "I'm in."

>

Rioters waved broken bottles, table legs, steel pipes, and other improvised weapons outside Dr Hayashi Aoka's acupuncture clinic. "Burn, kill, rape, loot!" Some kicked at the door, trying and failing to break it down, due to the chairs barricading it from behind.

Aoka and her receptionist braced tables against the broken windows, praying the barricades would keep out the rioters. She looked through a window to see a rioter raise a Molotov cocktail, ready to throw the gasoline-filled sake bottle into the clinic. "I should've taken advantage of Brigitte's offer," to sell her "self-defense instruments."

A bullet shattered the bottle, spilling burning gasoline onto the rioter. "Ahhhh!" He spun like a propeller, scattering the others. In the clinic, the receptionist echoed his scream and turned away from the window.

"Gunfire?" Aoka looked up to see the Zhu Jiang dive, firing a retractable M230 30 mm chain gun at the ground to drive the rioters away from the clinic. A ramp lowered to let women armed with Type 81-1 7.62 mm assault rifles-- Brigitte's bodyguards-- secure the building.

A Rolls-Royce ran over several rioters as it raced to the clinic. The limo stopped in front of the building and transformed into a 5.48-meter-tall robot, who opened a hatch on the right rear fender to reveal a modified MK19 40 mm grenade launcher. "All right, who wants a can of whoopass?!" The robot raised his "pistol," a challenge the rioters were too frightened to answer.

The Shan Chu herself exited the runabout and approached the clinic. "Aoka! I've come to protect you!"

"Brigitte?" the doctor called.

"I can't abandon my old friends." Brigitte watched Aoka lead her receptionist out of the clinic.

"Incoming!" The robot aimed the MK19 at a descending GERWALK.

Aoka recognized Ami's VE-1. "Don't shoot, she's a friend!"

"Hold your fire." Brigitte watched the Sailor Senshi open the GERWALK cockpit.

"Aoka-sensei, please come with me," Ami pleaded. "It's no longer safe here."

"Ami-kun, I..." The doctor felt Brigitte's arms encircle her. "Bri--" She felt the Shan Chu's lips upon hers, closed her eyes, and returned the kiss. "Gasp!"

Brigitte smiled at the Sailor Senshi. "I'll keep her safe."

Ami's eyes were as wide as the Rolls-Royce's tires. "Okay."

"You're a Sailor Senshi, right?" the robot asked. "One of you just married Darth Vader."

"Yes."

"Vader has friends at Hasbro, right? Can you ask him to ask the toy company to put me in the next 'Transformers' cartoon? I can really use the publicity."

"Do I know you, Mr...?"

"I'm Tux from 'Challenge of the Gobots', but you may know me as Limousine Robo from the 'Machine Robo' toy line."

"I'll pass your message to Gen Vader," Ami swore.

"Thank you, Miss Sailor Senshi," Tux said as the bodyguards escorted Brigitte and Aoka to the runabout.

->

It was midnight in Louisiana. Porky suppressed the urge to panic as his train-- transporting Vietnam War Era armored vehicles to Mary-- shook. Hurricane Katrina damaged the tracks near New Orleans in August 2005, collapsing a bridge over the Mississippi River; Porky's train approached that bridge, even though it wasn't repaired. 'Damn commie bitch! Does she think she can walk on water?!' A spotlight suddenly shined in his eyes. "Ah!" The train stopped, throwing Porky out of his seat. "Ah, ow! Shit, that hurt!"

Mary marched in front of the spotlight. "Good morning, Sen. Price. Have you brought the vehicles we requested?"

Porky exited the locomotive to see the Blood's saucer on the riverbank, a ramp lowered in front of the tracks. "That's a dirty trick."

"Mr... Ray Price, nephew of Sen. Price, former member of the US Army, veteran of Operation Iraqi Freedom, yes? You should know 'all's fair in love and war.' We are fighting a war."

'Mouthy bitch.' "Yeah, I remember. Yeah, I got your vehicles."

"Excellent." The woman waved a hand; men in Korean People's Army uniforms charged out of the saucer, towards the train.

"Shit! You got chinks on your side?!" Porky exclaimed.

Mary didn't bother to correct him. "Their presence will implicate the Chinese government in the coming attack, supporting the plans of your uncle." The North Korean mercenaries drove M60A3 and M48A5 MBTs, M109A4s and M107 self-propelled 175 mm howitzers, M163 PIVADS and M42A1 Duster air defense vehicles, M35A2 trucks, and M825 TOW launchers-- jeeps armed with BGM-71C antitank missiles-- off the flatcars. 'The threat of war will force the Chinese and North Korean governments to seek alliances. I'll present myself as their savior, use nuclear weapons to assassinate their leaders and blame the deaths on Vader, and-- once the Sith Lord and his forces are crushed-- name myself leader of a united communist empire.' The combadge on Mary's breastplate beeped, interrupting her thoughts. "Mary Sue III."

"Matron," the engineer transmitted from the stardrive, "we've detected a magnetic anomaly in-- buzz!" A magnetic field was interfering with transmissions.

Mary raised her bat'leth. "Battle stations! Get those trucks aboard ASAP!" as soon as possible.

"What's the hurry?" An explosion blew Porky off his feet. "Ah, ow!" His eyes opened to see a TIE bomber fly overhead. "Shit!" He rolled over and crawled on all fours towards the trees flanking the tracks.

The saucer's weapons fired at the attacking TIEs, but for each one destroyed, two more appeared in its place. The mercenaries fired Type 56-1 7.62 mm assault rifles and RPK 7.62 mm machine guns into the air to ward off the TIEs; this only revealed their positions to the sabertroopers rocketing out of the forest. "Ahhhh!" "My arms!" a mercenary screamed in Korean, staring in shock after a sabertrooper dismembered him. "Help!" another begged, his intestines trailing behind him as he crawled towards the saucer. "Noooo!" he cried when the ramp rose, locking him out.

B071, the sabertrooper platoon leader, noticed the 16" gun turrets traversing. "Take cover!" The clones lifted dismembered mercenaries off the ground, using the prisoners as shields as they rocketed back into the forest; then the guns fired, destroying the locomotive and the vehicles on the flatcars.

Mary stood in the bridge; the train's burning wreck seemed to shrink as the saucer climbed into the air. "Engage cloak," she ordered, followed by, "Reverse impulse." The saucer traveled backwards as plasma beams flashed in front of it. "Where's the star destroyer?"

"In geostationary orbit above us," Kayla the Ring Warrior, the security chief, answered.

"Onscreen." Mary watched an Imperial star destroyer's turbolasers rain plasma beams on the ground in front of the saucer; fortunately for the Trekkies, the destroyer captain assumed the saucer was moving forwards, and adjusted fire in that direction. "Continue reverse impulse for 100 kilometers; then ascend and rendezvous with the stardrive," Mary ordered.

Vader's Lambda class shuttle and a Sentinel descended towards the tracks. The sabertroopers emerged from the forest as the shuttle and the landing craft hovered. "Status check," B071 ordered. The clones reported their status to their squad leaders, who reported the casualties-- 12 wounded sabertroopers, five dead prisoners-- to the platoon leader.

The Sith Lord jumped out of the shuttle, landing in front of B071. "We haven't detected the Galaxy class starship; it's probable both the saucer and stardrive sections are equipped with cloaking devices. Do the prisoners have useful information?"

B071 smiled, looking to Vader's side. "I believe they do, Sir." The Sith Lord turned to see a sabertrooper grip the back of Porky's neck, lifting the man off the ground to display her "catch."

"Shit," Porky whispered as Vader looked into his eyes.

>

Squeak, squeak! "Ah, oh, ah!" "Jesus Christ, you're tight!" Lee exclaimed. "Oh yes! Yes! Ah!"

'Just a little more,' Fred thought as he hid under the bed, listening to the senator and the prostitute. He "piggybacked" his plan to draw lust energy on the H-Virus attack, but after the failed mission to "liberate" the victims from Washu's lab, he changed his plan; now he drew lust energy from the people in a high-class brothel that boasted congressmen as patrons.

Boom, clatter! "Eek!" "What the hell...?" Wham! "Ah!" The bed shook with Lee's anger. "How dare you?! Do you know who I am?!"

Fred saw ten sabertroopers' white boots and the restrained prostitute's bare feet flank the bed; he saw one pair of black boots in the doorway and heard the unmistakable sound of Vader's respirator. 'Shit!'

"You're a traitor to your country, Sen. Price," the Sith Lord answered.

"Vader, you nigger piece of shit! When the Senate Committee on Armed Services... Choke!"

The wizard shivered, feeling the Force used as the Sith Lord psychokinetically strangled the senator.

"I have visual and audio recordings, documentation, and the testimony of your aides to prove you conspired with communist terrorists, providing them with weapons from..."

Wham! "Gasp!" Fred squinted as Vader psychokinetically threw the bed against a wall, revealing him.

"Identify yourself!" the Sith Lord demanded.

"PWNed!" Fred chanted to throw a fireball; the Sith Lord's boots left skid marks on the floor as he caught the fireball, freezing it in midair. "TTYL!"

Vader pushed the fireball towards Fred, only to see the wizard had teleported out of the room before the fireball hit. He turned to Lee. "Your co-conspirators have abandoned you, Sen. Price. It is in your best interests to confess your crimes."

Lee whispered, "Fuck you." Vader slammed his head against the ceiling. "Argh! You nigger...!" Wham, crack! "Ah! Piece of shit!" Wham, wham, wham, crack! Plaster covered his face; the senator looked like a dirty sock when the Sith Lord lowered his arm to look in Lee's eyes. "I'll confess."

Vader's mask hid his smile. "You chose wisely, Sen. Price."

>

It was Monday afternoon in North Korea. Mary marched towards a Type 6 shuttlecraft as it landed in the Blood's main hangar. "Report," she ordered as Fred exited the shuttle.

"Vader's captured Sen. Price," the wizard stated.

"Unfortunate news, but not alarming. We no longer need the senator's services."

"But when we did, we were forced to reveal part of our plans to gain his assistance. Vader may use Sen. Price's knowledge to thwart these plans. We must act now, before the Sith Lord acts against us."

"Very well." Mary turned to the helmswoman. "Set a course for Target Alpha."

"Yes, Matron." The helmswoman's fingers danced on the control console, plotting a course to Animegamigu.

>

"Want to see a trick?" In a hangar, Shinji, wearing a plugsuit-- an Eva pilot's armored flight suit-- juggled four cans of Whoopass Cola, a sponsor. He threw a can over a protestor's head. Bang!

The can exploded, showering the protestor with cola. "Gasp!" Time seemed to freeze as Shinji returned a Walker Tombstone .454 Casull revolver-- a Colt SAA reproduction with a 12" (30.48 cm) barrel, the detachable stock in a canteen cover at his waist-- to his right hip holster; the Eva pilot was so fast, the cans were still in midair when Shinji drew, fired, and holstered the revolver. Bang! The Eva pilot returned the Walker Peacemaker to his left hip holster; he was still juggling.

Bang! The protestor, his clothes black with cola, shivered. Bang! He watched Shinji reload, displaying the deadly weapons. His mouth opened and closed, a fish out of water struggling to breathe.

"Do you have anymore questions about 'Evangelion Wars'?" Shinji asked.

"N-n-n-no," the protestor stuttered.

Shinji sat beside his fellow cast members, most of who mirrored the protestor's expression. Oberleutnant (O2) Asuka Langley-Soryu Gräfin von Zeppelin covered her face, ashamed of the Eva pilot's actions. "Was that necessary?" Asuka demanded.

"He came in hot, demanding Mr. Shimomura's death; I had to help him cool down," Shinji stated. Behind him, Evangelion Unit 01's eyes flashed, reflecting his anger.

"At least he has more self-control than..." Asuka shivered, remembering the 15-year-old with Shinji's name.

In the lab, Washu watched Shinji demonstrate his fast draw techniques at a press conference to promote the OAVs. "Ooh, I like him!" She magically summoned a phone to call Vader.

->

Alise dreamed of beautiful men, women, and children to make sweet, sweet love to. She felt a tubular object touch her lips, and opened her mouth to suckle it. The tube filled her mouth with a hot, bitter liquid. She thought it was delicious; then her senses returned. "Cough, cough, cough! Yuck!" Alise's eyes opened to see a scale model of an Evangelion-- Shinji in his plugsuit-- holding a phallic hose attached to a coffee urn. "You bastard!" She kicked at his groin, but the Eva pilot-- still holding the urn-- somersaulted to dodge the blow. Alise, reaching for a weapon, touched her artificial womb; she raised the one-ton appliance over her head to crush Shinji. "Die!" Click! Alise froze, looking down the barrel of a Walker Tombstone.

"Ma'am, I'm sorry for what happened to you, but if you don't put down your weapon-- gently-- I'll put a bullet in your head," Shinji coldly said.

"What did you do to me? What the hell?!" Alise exclaimed when the artificial womb was psychokinetically lifted out of her hand, into its socket.

"He administered black coffee, curing you of the H-Virus." Washu landed between Shinji and Alise. "You can put away your weapon now, Shinji-kun."

Alise frowned, confused. "H-Virus?"

The recently cured Sailor Senshi appeared in front of the woman. "A biological weapon used by the terrorists who ruined Minako-kun's wedding," Setsuna explained with controlled anger. "The terrorists wanted to transform us into sex slaves."

"For this, they'll burn in hellfire and brimstone, their blood will boil, their flesh will melt off their bones, which I'll grind into a fine powder," Hotaru swore.

"Then my magic will restore their bodies so we may torture them again and again, subjecting them to eons of torment," Setsuna added.

"If you don't mind, I'm going to help the other victims." Shinji holstered his revolver.

"Wait!" Alise approached Shinji. "I'm sorry I tried to kick you in the groin; I thought you were trying to drug me."

"Don't worry about it."

Alise pointed at the weapon at Shinji's right hip. "Do you know where I can get a weapon like that?" A gun rack magically appeared in front of her. "Whoa."

Washu smiled, waving at pistols, rifles, shotguns, and machine guns with price tags on their barrels. "I thought you'd never ask." She felt the Sailor Senshi's suspicious frowns. "Lab instruments are expensive. I do what I must to support my research."

"Good for you." Alise pointed at the largest pistol on the rack. "I'd like a Desert Eagle in .50 AE," 12.7 x 32.6 mm.

"Make it a double!" Hotaru added.

Setsuna shrugged. "Fine. Do you have a Gundam?" Three hatches opened on the floor to let elevators lift the MBF-M1+EF24R Astray Shrike, MVF-M11C Murasame, and GFAS-X1 Destroy-- a 56.3-meter-tall, 405-ton monster that destroyed the city of Berlin in 'Gundam SEED Destiny'-- into the lab. "I'll take the big one."

>

H-Ville was a ghost town, the burning ruins of a red light district; the whores and johns fled from the battles that devoured the district. "That was my favorite bar!" Ryo commented, staring at a burning topless bar. "The hostesses there let me feel them up for a ¥1000 tip! To destroy such a treasure is a crime against humanity!" Andrew didn't hammer him for the remark; after seeing the pimps "planted" in the Forest of the Impaled, the policeman needed all his energy to suppress the urge to vomit. "Andrew, how many rockets do you have?"

"Eight," the policeman answered.

"Get to Gunsmith Cats and buy more." Ryo pointed at an army-- soldiers in tanks and attack helicopters, black knights riding fire-breathing dragons with bloody talons, and giant robots whose superweapons could destroy the city with one shot-- marching towards Mihnea's fortress. "Quickly."

"Damn."

"Kill, crush, destroy!" "Burn, kill, rape, loot!" The warriors gasped when a shield wall-- body panels from car wrecks, crashed airplanes, and destroyed robots-- rose in front of the army, a puzzle assembling itself to display Dracula's coat of arms: a winged dragon holding a cruciform sword upright in its talons, symbolizing Dracula's willingness to fight for the Christian faith.

Mihnea hovered above the coat of arms. "Noble warriors, welcome to Castle Dracula. I salute your courage, your willingness to fight for your goals. But," the warlord descended, expressing no fear as the robots' weapons targeted her, "your goals are many; they conflict and cause chaos among you. You must submit to my leadership, obey my commands, so we may bring order to the earth."

"Silence, worm!" Galvatron, an insane robot from 'Transformers', fired the laser cannon mounted on his right arm. Mihnea expressed no fear as she magnetically summoned the destroyed Zaku's shield to block the beam. Nazi soldiers-- Sprites from a war game-- maneuvered around the Zaku's shield to aim rifles, machine guns, and a Tiger heavy tank's 88 mm gun at the warlord. Crack, clang! "Gott in Himmel!" they exclaimed when the ZAKU Warrior's shield impaled the Tiger upon its spikes. "Ahhhh!" The tank commander, a Nazi Oberleutnant, watched his chest disintegrate into neon green ones and zeroes before the Tiger exploded.

"Stand your ground, cowards!" Galvatron targeted the fleeing Nazis. Mihnea magnetically threw the robot on his side, his right arm pinned under his chest. Galvatron struggled against the magnetic field; then Dragon Wing, the full length of his blade burning with Mihnea's rage, severed the immobile robot's arms. "Argh!"

The sword tasted Galvatron's pain, anger, and hatred with the robot's armor, power cables, and lubricants. "Delicious!" Dragon Wing tasted fear with the Nazis' source codes and the Toon knights and dragons' blood. "I demand more! Give me blood to quench my thirst, and I'll give you power to crush your enemies and seize everything you desire!" He tasted the fear clouding the air like a dense fog, but no more blood, paint, or source codes. 'Is the warrior already tired?'

The coat of arms disassembled; the shields pinned the robots and dragons to the street, making them kneel. The soldiers, looking down the barrels of their own guns, surrendered; the knights cut their hands on their own swords, fighting the magnetic field propelling the weapons towards their throats. "I salute your courage, your willingness to face mortal danger; I salute your intelligence, your willingness to submit to the powers God gave me. Join me; together, we'll make blood rain down from heaven to cleanse the earth of sin," Mihnea swore as the Gundam and Guncannon landed behind her. The soldiers, knights, dragons, robots and their pilots swore allegiance to the warlord.

"Blood raining down from heaven... I can't wait to see such glory!" Dragon Wing exclaimed.

"What did she say?" Andrew asked.

"I don't understand German, but I understand the language of violence," Ryo said.

"Does it mean what I think it means?"

Ryo nodded. "We must cure Anna-chan before we, and everyone in the city, become terminal."

->

Ring, ring! "Urgh!" Dr Otto Mason, a DARPA engineer, glanced at his alarm clock. "This better be important." He picked up the phone. "Otto Mason."

"Otto-kun! You don't sound well. Are you okay?" a female voice asked.

"Usagi, isn't it? It's midnight," at Nellis AFB, Nevada, where he worked.

"Oh, I'm sorry, but I really need your help to cure Anna-chan."

Otto sat up when his sister was mentioned. "What do you need?"

"Anna-chan... had another flashback."

"Of her so-called past life? You don't really believe that quack who claimed Anna was abused in her past life, do you?"

'Dracula wasn't a victim of abuse, he was the abuser, a sadist who tortured and murdered thousands of people,' Usagi didn't say. "That's not important. Right now, we need something to remind Anna-chan of who she is," 'not who she was during the 16th century.' "Is there a picture, a song, a scent that can arouse an emotional response, reminding Anna-chan of something that happened in her," 'current,' "life?"

Otto thought for a moment. "Chocolate chip cookie dough."

"Chocolate chip cookie dough?"

"She doesn't get to see Grandma Vicky and Grandpa Will-- Dad's parents-- very often." Anna was a weak swimmer, making travel by sea dangerous; her natural magnetic field could jam avionics, making travel by air suicidal. "Grandma Vicky and Grandpa Will flew to Japan to attend Anna's tenth birthday. Before the party, Grandpa encouraged Anna to act like an All-American girl while Grandma tried to teach her how to bake chocolate chip cookies. Anna mixed the dough with such force, she launched chips all over the floor, walls, and ceiling." Otto laughed. "It looked like a chocolate bomb exploded in the kitchen. Poor Mom; she spent hours with Grandma, trying to clean up the kitchen before the guests arrived. But Anna was so happy to see Grandma and Grandpa, Mom and Grandma couldn't make themselves angry at the mess she made. Anna said it was the happiest day of her life."

"Chocolate chip cookie dough... Thanks, Otto-kun!" Click!

Otto heard the dial tone. "Strange girl." He hung up and went back to sleep.

>

Vader boarded the Executor, his star dreadnought, to see 800 stormtroopers mixing chocolate chip cookie dough in the hangar. "What the...?"

"Vader-kun!" Minako, her apron covered with melted chocolate, embraced her husband. "Thank the gods you're okay!"

"Why do you need," the Sith Lord calculated the volume, "223,000 liters of cookie dough?"

"We're going to use chocolate chip cookie dough to change Anna-chan back to normal."

Vader remembered the sabertroopers' template, and turned to B071. "Your assessment, Bravo Platoon Leader?"

B071 removed her helmet to smell the dough. "I hunger for chocolate chip cookies, but am not otherwise affected by this. It is possible the template has memories this scent will make her recall; she may stay her hand when this is deployed. However, it is foolish to rely on this possibility as a means of disarming her."

"We don't want to hurt her," Minako stated. "That will worsen the problem."

'I can imagine.' Vader had read Anna's medical records, including psychological assessments by the APD. "I have full confidence in your plan, and will use force only as a last resort."

Minako hugged her husband again; she didn't notice the contradiction in Vader's statement, although the sabertroopers did. "Thanks, Vader-kun!"

>

In the condominium he shared with his wife, Mamoru frowned at a holographic map. "So Hanamura is now dead zone," an area where radios couldn't be used, usually because the terrain was blocking the radio waves. "How will we maintain communications?"

"With our communicators." Usagi displayed a pink camera phone with a heart-shaped monitor. "The magnetic field doesn't affect our magic; that's how Uranus and Neptune kept in touch with us." She handed it to her husband. "This is for you, Mamo-chan." Mamoru examined the girly device, shrugged, and pocketed it.

A cable connected Ami's computer to a pink phone, which she put against Kira's ear. "Please remain still as I attune the communicator to your psyche."

The Gundam pilot blushed at the Sailor Senshi's touch. "Y-yes, Ma'am."

Ami typed some commands before disconnecting the cable. "Done; now you can keep in touch with us." She held another pink phone as she approached Shinn, who recoiled as if she held a weapon.

Luna hit the back of Shinn's head. "Stop being a baby and let her tune the communicator!"

Shinn turned to his costar. "But it's...!"

Luna's fist rose, ready to strike again. "It'll be red with your blood if you don't give in!"

"She must really love him," Mamoru commented.

"What do you mean?" Usagi asked.

"They act just like Ranma and Akane," Tendo Akane, Ranma's fiancée.

"No we don't!" Shinn and Luna protested, only to hear the Sailor Senshi's laughter.

->

Tuesday, July 3. Morning. Hades heard angry outbursts and swords clang against each other, followed by cheers and laughter; he recognized the sounds of people drinking. 'I can use a cold beer myself.' The thought made his stomach squirm around the stake. "Urgh!" 'Never mind.' A shadow enveloped Hades; he looked up to see a flying saucer block the sun as it descended towards the fortress. "What the...?" A 16" shell exploded beside Hades, breaking his stake and throwing him across the street. "Ah! Fuck!" He saw a pair of sneakers in front of him, and looked up to see Fred. "Wizard Yerfburger?"

Fred heard a 16" shell whistle as it fell. "TTYL!" Hades found himself lying on a roof overlooking the business district, far from the battle. "What the fuck happened to H-Ville?!" the wizard demanded.

Hades removed the stake, frowning at the hole in his chest. "I can't draw enough lust energy to regenerate."

"Well?!"

The demon saw pink light shining through Fred's shirt. "You can't use the Star of Lust?" a pink crystal storing the energy drawn. "It's for the better. Tentacle demons have no place in East Wallachia, except as the Warrior Prince's pincushions." He limped down the stairs, out of sight.

'East Wallachia?' "You have no place here, but I... I'll rule this world as the Demon King!" the wizard swore.

>

In the fortress, Mihnea ordered, "To arms!" before rocketing out of the throne room. She stood on the watchtower, watching the Blood's weapons rain fire, and repositioned the shield wall to block incoming shells and phaser beams.

"Ah, oh!" Sakura, her limbs burning with fatigue, climbed up the watchtower. 'I wish I had angel wings.' "Milord!" A "flying carpet"-- a car hood-- rose beneath her, knocking Sakura off her feet. "Eek!" She fell upon the hood as it rose towards the warlord.

"Tell the female sodomites, Uranus and Neptune, their lord orders them to destroy that flying castle, or die at the hands of its defenders," Mihnea ordered.

"Yes, Milord!" The car hood dived out of sight.

>

Aboard the Blood, Mary observed the ineffectual attack against what she assumed was a US military command post; she assumed Vader was using the Force to manipulate the shield wall. "We'll destroy Vader, avenging Matron Mary Sue and the comrades who died by his hand!" 'That should drive the cannon fodder to throw themselves into the fire.'

Trekkies loyal to Mary Sue's memory, too stupid to realize Mary Sue III was using them as cannon fodder, shouted in agreement. "Let's get that black bastard!" Boom! "Eek!" "Ahhhh!" "We're all gonna die!"

Mary slashed, killing the defeatist. "We're under attack!" Her bat'leth pointed at the Gundam onscreen, throwing blood drops across the bridge. "Prepare my Gelgoog! I'll fly out and meet the enemy in battle!"

"Yes, Matron!"

Haruka's Gundam spun like a ballerina to dodge incoming 20 mm shells; Michiru took advantage of this distraction, using the Depth Submerge to disable the Phalanxes. "Space Sword Blaster!" Haruka slashed to project golden light at the bridge; then Mary's MS-14 Gelgoog-- the armor modified to resemble a Klingon warrior's-- rocketed in front of the bridge, using its shield to block the attack. "Hey!" Mary drew her beam bat'leth and slashed; Haruka parried the slash to counterattack. "No cutting in!"

"Uranus!" Michiru's water cannons targeted the Gelgoog. "Deep Sub--!" The Blood's 5" guns shot at her Guncannon. "Ah!"

Haruka didn't allow herself to be distracted by as Michiru somersaulted backwards to dodge the shells; she knew her opponent would take advantage of any distraction and defeat her. 'Monster.' The Sailor Senshi somersaulted backwards to dodge a slash and to increase the distance between them. "Space Sword Blaster!"

Mary dodged the golden light; the Gelgoog's left hand drew and fired its beam rifle, but the woman couldn't accurately fire the weapon one-handed. Haruka easily dodged the beams; the Sailor Senshi didn't notice the 16" gun turrets traverse to target her Gundam. Clang, buzz! "What the hell?!" Mary exclaimed as the saucer shook, throwing the mobile suits off their feet. Haruka fired the head Vulcans to prevent her opponent from attacking her as the Gundam climbed to its feet. The Gelgoog rolled towards the saucer edge to dodge the 60 mm shells; then Mary saw a streetlight fly past her head, into the air. "How...?"

The woman's combadge beeped. "Matron, we're-- buzz! attack!" Kayla reported. "A magnetic-- buzz! emanating-- buzz! baby killer-- buzz! kinetic energy attacks! Shields-- buzz!"

The magnetic field's affects grew stronger as the saucer descended; Mary couldn't receive the rest of the report. She didn't need to; the woman watched streetlights and utility poles rise to hammer the saucer's ventral surface, chipping away its armor.

Haruka and Michiru watched the poles dive to hammer the saucer's dorsal surface. "Jump!" The Gundam and Guncannon somersaulted off the saucer; the Sailor Senshi hovered over the fortress, watching the poles rise again. "Damn it, is Dracula trying to kill us too?!" Haruka exclaimed.

"That is possible," Michiru deadpanned.

The streetlight barrage failed to destroy the saucer, but it disabled the Blood's sensors, forcing the Trekkies to land 20 kilometers from the fortress. The Gelgoog rolled off the saucer, onto the street. Mary radioed, "Tora, Tora, Tora!" to launch the attack; static answered her. "Damn." Mary and the Blood's communications officer spent five precious minutes modifying their communicators to overcome the magnetic interference before two ramps lowered to offload six MS-09 Doms and the MBTs, self-propelled guns, and jeeps. Hangar doors opened to launch 16 Type-6 shuttlecraft armed with M197 20 mm Gatling guns-- modified to serve as "flying M113" armored personnel carriers (APCs)-- and eight AH-IF Cobra attack helicopters supporting the Trekkie attack.

Mihnea's army, including Andrew and Ryo, marched out of the fortress to counterattack. "What now?" Andrew asked. A shadow enveloped him; he looked up to see a 155 mm shell explode upon a shield. "Yikes!"

"This is no time for sarcasm!" Ryo shot and killed a mercenary armed with a RPK.

"I'm not being sarcastic! I'm asking if you have a plan to keep us alive!" Andrew took a knee, fired a rocket, and destroyed a MBT.

"No! Do you?!" Ryo shot and killed another mercenary. Blood, red paint, neon green ones and zeroes surrounded the police officers as both sides took heavy casualties.

"Damn!" Andrew fired another rocket, ducked into an alley, and reloaded. Boom! He looked up to see the Gundam and Guncannon fly overhead. "I never realized how much I love women who love women," Andrew commented as Haruka and Michiru grabbed enemy MBTs and threw them at the Doms, "killing two birds with one tank."

"Fall!" Haruka threw a M48A5 at a Dom, which ducked. "Fall!" She threw a M42A1; the Dom leaned backwards, letting the air defense vehicle fly in front of its "face." "Fall!" She threw a M109A4.

The Gelgoog landed in front of the Dom, caught the self-propelled howitzer, and threw it back at the Gundam, which drew its saber to cut down the M109A4. "Round two! Fight!" Mary lunged, her beam bat'leth against Haruka's beam saber.

"Uranus! Ah!" Michiru ducked as a Dom's beam saber slashed at the Guncannon's head. "Deep Submerge!" A tidal wave swept the MS against a vacant love motel, collapsing the building and burying the Dom under the rubble.

"Priiiime!" Galvatron, mistaking the Guncannon for his nemesis, shot at Michiru. "I'll rip out your optics!" The insane robot lunged, reaching for the Guncannon's head.

Michiru ducked, grabbed Galvatron's extended arm, and performed a judo throw. "Men," she sighed.

"Priiiime!" Galvatron rose from the ground, a vampire from his tomb; then the Cobras fired a volley, shattering his backplate. "Argh!"

>

Aboard the Blood's stardrive, gunners watched Michiru somersault backwards to dodge incoming BGM-71C missiles and Hydra 70 rockets, driving the Guncannon under their crosshairs. The engineer's mouth opened to say, "Fire," but an explosion shook the ship, interrupting him. "What the fuck?!" he exclaimed as 280 mm shells hammered the Blood's shields.

"I trust this will be processed quickly," Brigitte said, completing a statement of charges for the ammo used. "The manufacture of 280 mm shells," in the Ziyuncheng's onboard munitions factory, "is a heavy financial burden, even for my organization."

"It will be; you have my word," Vader radioed as the TIE x1 and a Sentinel used the bombardment to cover their assault on the Blood's stardrive. The Executor accelerated towards the starship, the Earth's curvature no longer shielding the dreadnought from the Trekkie's sensors. The TIE x1 transformed to robot mode, drew its lightsabers, and cut a hole in the Blood's neck. The Sentinel's ramp lowered to let Sabertroopers, wearing rocket packs, charge into the battle bridge.

The Sailor Senshi's Valkyries and Tux stood upon the Ziyuncheng's saucer, firing at incoming 16" and 5" shells to defend Brigitte's ship. The Blood's guns became silent; then B071 hailed the Sailor Senshi from the battle bridge, reporting that anesthetic gas was being released throughout the rest of the ship to neutralize the Trekkies. "Okay, now let's go change Anna-chan back to normal!" Usagi declared. "Yeah!" The Valkyries transformed to fighter mode.

"Don't forget to tell Hasbro about me!" Tux called as the Sailor Senshi reentered Earth's atmosphere.

>

Mary received a warning from the engineer before B071 beheaded him; the woman knew the stardrive was captured. 'Bastard!' "Storm the command post!" She jumped backwards, threw a grenade to break contact, rocketed onto a rooftop, and used the roofs of love motels as stepping-stones to approach the fortress. The surviving Doms followed Mary's lead, planning to capture the enemy commander and force the baby killers-- Sprites from other war games-- to surrender; then mega particle beams collapsed the buildings under their feet. Boom! "Yaaaa!" the woman cried, firing the Gelgoog's afterburners to climb into the air.

The Dom pilots weren't as skilled; they lost control and fell upon the rubble, their bodies bouncing within the cockpits like ping pong balls. "What the hell?!" "Ahhhh! My leg!" "Heeeelp!" "Get me out of here! Get me the fuck out of here!"

The GFAS-X1 transformed from its flying saucer-like attack mode to normal mode-- the armor modified to resemble Setsuna's sailor suit-- before landing in front of the fortress. "Payback time!" The pilot laughed maniacally as the mobile suit's weapons fired wildly, vaporizing MBTs, self-propelled guns, helicopters, and shuttles.

"Bitch!" Mary flew over the GFAS-X1 to slash at the twin-barrel high-energy beam cannons on its back, a similar attack to the one that destroyed the MS in 'Gundam SEED Destiny'.

Shinn had a flashback of the battle in which Stella Loussier, a girl he loved, died in the GFAS-X1 cockpit. "Noooo!" He piloted the ZGMF-X42S Destiny in between the mobile suits, raising a shield to block the Gelgoog's bat'leth. "Ah!" Shinn drew an antiship laser sword to engage Mary in hand-to-hand combat; then Setsuna turned, swatted the Destiny out of her way, and fired the GFAS-X1's 5-barrel hand beam cannons at the Gelgoog. "Yaaaa!"

Kira and Luna were escorting Y-85 Titan dropships into the atmosphere when they saw Destiny tumble out of control. "Shinn! Shinn! Are you all right?!"

Shinn awoke to find his MS lying on a rooftop five kilometers from the fortress. "I... I'm alive."

"Then get off your butt and do your job!" Luna demanded.

"What's the point?! The target isn't even...!" Shinn watched Mary dive under Setsuna's line of fire to slash at the GFAS-X1's left knee; then Mihnea jumped off the tower, her magnetic field propelling her like a rocket. "Never mind," he deadpanned as Dragon Wing severed the Gelgoog's legs, sending Mary's MS crashing into the street.

"Anna-kun? Ah!" Setsuna cried when the magnetic field pushed the GFAS-X1 backwards. The MS transformed to hover a kilometer from its starting point.

The saucer's turrets traversed to target the GFAS-X1 and the "demon of vengeance" hovering over the Gelgoog's wreck. Kayla ordered, "Fire." The saucer shook, but not from the guns' recoil. "Ow!" The security chief found herself lying on the floor; she rose to her feet and pressed a button to see images from the 16" gun turrets' security cameras. "What the hell?!" Sunlight shone through holes in the turret roofs, revealing red streaks on the walls, painted in blood. "Did the onboard ammo explode?"

The Trekkies' fingers danced on the keyboards. "No, Comrade Kayla. According to the computer, two high explosive shells were launched at 61,250 kilometers per hour. The shells penetrated the roofs of the dorsal 16-inch gun turrets, flew through the barbettes, and..."

Evangelion Unit 01's CQC claws cut a hole in the ceiling. "Ahhhh!" Kayla screamed.

"... detonated in the ventral 16-inch gun turrets, blowing the turrets off the saucer section," the Trekkie finished.

Unit 01's "horn," a forehead-mounted laser, fired an infrared (IR) beam to destroy the tactical console and kill the Trekkie behind it. "Put 'em up," Shinji demanded. The bridge crew chose to put up their hands, rejecting the alternative of putting up their weapons and dying.

The warriors and Trekkies stopped fighting when Unit 01 landed on the saucer. "That looks like a giant Buntline Special," Ryo said of the weapon in the Eva's right hand, a Gauss cannon with a 7.5-meter-long barrel.

"A what?" Andrew demanded.

"Wyatt Earp's 'favorite over any other gun,' a Colt Single Action Army revolver with an lengthened barrel and a detachable stock. You saw 'Tombstone', right?"

Dead and dying men laid on the streets, their blood magically rising into the air to feed the fire on Dragon Wing's blade. "War... I demand a war! Let swords cross, let blood spill, let fires rage!" Beneath the cursed sword, victorious warriors repeated his demand as they slaughtered the North Korean mercenaries.

Mihnea smiled. "Noble warriors who demand a war, I'll give you a crusade. Together, we'll make blood rain down from heaven to cleanse the earth of sin." She raised Dragon Wing to slash the Gelgoog cockpit and crush the pilot inside.

"Now!" Usagi ordered. The dropships opened their cargo bay doors, dumping 223,000 liters of chocolate chip cookie dough on the entire district, immobilizing warriors, extinguishing fires, and smothering the scent of blood.

Mihnea slashed upwards, parting the dough to avoid being immobilized; the scent of chocolate chip cookies aroused strange memories. "What...?" She descended towards the ground, remembering a childhood spent with family and friends in Japan, learning how to be a good girl and a modern woman. "Who...?" A memory of kissing a 17-year-old boy, Anna's first love, aroused the warlord's homophobia. "Shriek!"

The Valkyries landed. "Anna-chan!" The Inner Senshi exited the cockpits and ran towards their friend, stopping out of arm's reach when the warlord pointed Dragon Wing at them. "Don't be afraid. We're your friends, remember?"

Mihnea recovered Anna's understanding of Japanese, confusing her further. "How...?" More memories returned, overwhelming the warlord. "Shriek!"

"Anna-chan, please sheathe your sword. You're among friends; we won't let anyone hurt you," Usagi pleaded.

"No..." Dragon Wing pointed at Usagi. "I will not surrender my arms and leave myself vulnerable!"

Makoto's hands held Anna's power nodachi in its scabbard. "You have a better weapon: Yukihime," Snow Princess, "the sword Otto-kun forged." The Sailor Senshi's arms extend to present the sword.

"Otto-kun?"

"Your brother."

"My brothers were named Vlad and Mircea." Mihnea frowned in confusion. "Weren't they?" Her right hand lowered Dragon Wing as her left reached for Yukihime's scabbard. "Hiss!" She remembered throwing a fit after Otto asked her if she was a lesbian. "He accused me of sodomy. Why didn't I kill him?" Anna didn't share Mihnea's violent homophobia.

"Because you love him, and he loves you," Usagi answered.

"Love..." Mihnea/Anna's hand closed around Yukihime's grip.

"Love will weaken you, and the weak are meat in the jaws of the strong!" Dragon Wing screamed. "You must sustain your anger, your hatred, for they sustain your strength!" Anna released Dragon Wing, the fire extinguishing as the cursed sword fell. "Noooo!"

"I'm tired." Mihnea remained awake to avoid being assassinated again; without the warlord's bloodlust to sustain her body, Anna now felt the effects of sleep deprivation. The Psychic Dominator transmitted her fatigue to the warriors, putting them to sleep. The people of Anigu felt the madness leave their minds, and released the breaths they were holding.

Usagi embraced the policewoman. "Sleep, Anna-chan. We'll protect you." She felt the policewoman's muscles relax, no longer tense and ready to fight; then Anna fell asleep, using Usagi's body as a futon. "Eek!" Usagi felt crushed under Anna's weight. "Help me!" Makoto suppressed the urge to laugh as she lifted the surprisingly heavy Anna off the princess.

A MVF-M11C dived towards the Inner Senshi and transformed from fighter to MS mode, the armor modified to resemble Hotaru's sailor suit. The cockpit hatch opened to let Alise, wearing the protect-gear from 'Jin-Roh', jump onto the Gelgoog's wreck. "Is there anyone left for me to kill?" the woman demanded, a Desert Eagle Mark XIX in her hand.

"Please holster your weapon, Alise-chan. The evildoers have been defeated; the fight is over," Ami stated, helping Minako and Rei remove Anna's armor.

"No fair!" Alise and Hotaru simultaneously shouted.

>

Mary awoke to find the Gelgoog immobile, its weapons inoperable. "What...?" A monitor showed the mobile suit's schematics, highlighting the damaged systems. "How...?" The woman heard voices behind her. "The fight is over?" She pressed a button to see images from a rear-facing camera. "The demon!" Mary unbuckled her restraints and lowered herself out of her seat, onto the cockpit hatch. She manually opened the hatch and crawled out of the cockpit, ducking to avoid being seen as a Sentinel flew overhead. The woman set her hand phaser to OVERLOAD and prepared to throw the improvised grenade. Slash! "Ahhhh!"

A150 jumped out of the Sentinel, magnetically summoning Dragon Wing into her hand after using him to sever Mary's hand. The sabertrooper platoon leader swung the cursed sword like a golf club to knock the overloading phaser-- still in Mary's hand-- into the air, where it exploded harmlessly. "Surrender or die," A150 demanded.

"Choose death! Kill her and take pleasure from her death!" Mary fell unconscious as her blood magically flowed through the air to quench Dragon Wing's thirst.

"Ah!" A150 put a hand on her head, trying to suppress a headache. "Who...?"

"Are you okay, Imp-chan?" Minako asked.

Dragon Wing began reading A150's mind. "Impaler Princess... A good name." The platoon leader's arm straightened as Dragon Wing pulled himself towards Mary's throat.

Rei, sensing the evil aura enveloping them, identified the weapon in A150's right hand. "The sword is cursed! Drop it before it drives you insane!"

"Is it?" A150 pulled Dragon Wing away from Mary, enforcing her will over the sword. "I'm a sabertrooper, a living weapon forged to fight terrors that would shatter the minds and break the bodies of regular troopers. My will is not so weak."

Dragon Wing continued testing the strength of A150's will. "Your will is strong... you were trained to be strong. Fascinating. I wish to meet the one who trained you."

A150 smiled behind her mask. "You will."

->

Wednesday, July 4. Morning. "... and then Dracula vanished into thin air," Usagi lied.

"Wow. I wish I was there to help you in that battle," Anna said, sitting upright in a hospital bed.

Usagi smiled. "You were with me in spirit," 'an evil spirit.' Fortunately, Andrew, Ryo, the Sailor Senshi, and Washu-- those who knew Mihnea was Anna-- could be trusted to keep this secret; no one wanted Mihnea's memories to overwhelm Anna's mind again, transforming the hard working policewoman into a mass murdering warlord.

Knock, knock! "Hey, Anna!" Alise greeted, presenting a bouquet of flowers.

"Good morning..." Anna frowned at the woman's trench coat. "Alise-chan, why are dressed up like a triad assassin?"

Alise patted the pistol at her hip. "The crewmembers of that terrorist starship weren't all accounted for. I'm prepared to defend myself from them and their H-Virus. How are you doing?"

"I feel fine, but Aoka-sensei wants to keep me overnight for observation."

"Great! Hey, Shinji's invited me to dinner and a movie on Friday. Want him to invite one of his battle buddies and make it a double date?"

"Ah, ah, ah!"

Alise frowned at the wall behind her. "What the hell was that?"

Anna blushed. "Officer Ada is in the other room."

"Who?"

"A policewoman who was brainwashed to serve as a sex slave in the 'Policewoman Violated' OAV," Ami answered.

The other Sailor Senshi frowned at the blushing Ami. 'Did she...?'

>

In the room beside Anna's, a Toon nurse and Sakura were kissing and petting, oblivious to the wizard under the hospital bed.

Fred felt the Star of Lust burn in his hands. 'Just a little more...' The crystal burned hotter. 'A little more...' He thrust the crystal into his heart. "Ahhhh!"

>

The Sailor Senshi sensed the evil aura flooding the hospital. "Anna-chan!" The policewoman jumped out of bed and drew Yukihime, standing between her friends and the evil in the other room. 'I'm sorry, Anna-chan,' Usagi thought as the Inner Senshi transformed into their hardsuits, the Outer Senshi into MS pilots' flight suits for NBC protection. 'I thought you were safe, that you didn't have to use your swords here.'

Phallic tentacles burst through the wall. "Ha ha ha ha ha!" Fred, transformed into a tentacle demon, groped Sakura's breasts and the nurse's butt as his tentacles reached for the Sailor Senshi, trying to grope them before their transformations were complete. Yukihime spun like a propeller to sever the extended tentacles as Anna magnetically threw an IV stand at Fred, pushing him backwards and impaling him to a wall in the other room. "Ow! No fair!" Fred protested, releasing the nurse to free his right hand, which gripped the IV stand. "Ah! Come on!" He tried to pull the IV stand out of his chest, but ended up pushing himself backwards through the wall. "Ow!" Fred looked back to see an old man scream in fear of the demon in his room. "Excuse me." The tentacles regenerated as Fred slid towards the Sailor Senshi, trailing mucus.

Alise stepped in front of the Sailor Senshi to smile at the tentacle demon. "It's the Fourth of July."

"Time to lose my-- I mean your virginity." Fred waved three tentacles at Alise, thinking the woman's smile meant, 'I'm going to enjoy having sex with you.' An otaku who had more H-anime DVDs than friends, he didn't realize the smile meant, 'I'm going to enjoy killing you.'

Alise's hand ran over her face and swept through her hair; her hand lowered to reveal a respirator, night vision goggles, and a helmet. "Time to set off some fireworks." Her coat fluttered like a raven's wings, revealing the protect-gear as she drew the Desert Eagle.

"Ow!" Fred cried, staring at the bloody stump where a tentacle was shot off. Anna took advantage of this to lunge, sever the demon's left arm, catch the falling Sakura, and retreat. "Ahhhh!"

"Yay! I finally get to test fire my new toy!" Hotaru fired her own Desert Eagle to vaporize another tentacle.

"Ow! No fair! You're supposed to..." Fred noticed Setsuna's smile; then the GFAS-X1's detachable forearm rocketed through the window, the fingers closing around his body. The demon felt his ribs shatter, the bone fragments puncturing his lungs like shrapnel. "Ahhhh!" Rat-at-at-at-at! "Ahhhh!"

Minako fired Adonis to sever another tentacle. "This is fun!"

Haruka fired Cupid, Minako's M6D 12.7 mm pistol. "I agree. I don't know why, but I find gunfights thrilling despite the sterile distance between the combatants." She handed Cupid to her lover.

Bang! "Maybe it's the sound?" Michiru suggested. Bang! "It stimulates the senses considerably."

Alise fired a fourth shot to hear Fred scream in pain. "Not so tough, are you?"

"Tentacle demons are designed to violate H-anime heroines who, as the weaker sex, must be easily overpowered to entertain the audience; they're not designed to fight regular military forces, whose combined strength-- and firepower-- is equal to or greater than theirs," Ami explained.

'Why didn't Hades warn me about that?' "Ow! Ow! Ahhhh!" Fred screamed.

"Call for backup!" Anna cut a hole in the wall and pushed Sakura into the hallway.

Sakura sighed as she walked towards a pay phone, away from the tentacle demon. The nurse sighed as the female gunfighters severed the tentacles one by one, Rei and Makoto's elemental attacks cauterizing the stumps to prevent Fred from regenerating. 'What a waste,' the H-anime heroines didn't say.

->

"You did what to a tentacle demon?!" Andrew shouted into his cellular phone.

"I pumped 50 rounds of .50 AE bullets into him. Can you get me a box of ammo from Gunsmith Cats on your way here?" Alise asked.

"You know what tentacle demons do to women! What the hell were you thinking?!"

"Don't worry, he's harmless now that we've shot off his tentacles. Wait." Bang!

"Ahhhh!" Andrew dropped the phone, freeing his hands to cover his ears. Gunfire echoed from the phone for what seemed like hours, before the policeman could hear Alise call his name. Andrew picked up the phone and said, "Wait, my ears are still ringing. Ah!"

"Sorry about the disturbance, the tentacle demon was trying to regenerate. Can you..."

"I'm on my way." Andrew pocketed the phone and turned to his partner. "Ryo! Anna arrested a tentacle demon at the Animegamigu Memorial Hospital. Let's go."

"A tentacle demon? Did it tear off her hospital gown and...?"

Andrew drew his mallet and slammed the Ryo against the floor. "Get your head out of the gutter!"

"Okay, okay!" Ryo rose from the crater in the floor. "Do you think we should ask Capt Saitou for backup?"

Andrew looked into Saitou's office to see the policeman sleeping at his desk, his left hand gripping a katana handle. Although Saitou's dry cleaner was skilled, Andrew could see discolored areas where bloodstains were removed from his uniform. "Let him get some sleep; it's good for our health."

As Andrew and Ryo exited the police station, they didn't notice a vipertrooper-- a sabertrooper in light armor with a tiger stripe camouflage pattern, trained to serve as a forward observer directing aerial and artillery bombardment against enemy positions-- lying prone on a nearby rooftop. Their every word was intercepted by the vipertrooper's directional microphone and transmitted to B071.

>

"Thank you, Lieutenant. Vader One out." B071's hologram disappeared as the Sith Lord shutoff the communicator and turned to Lee, who was chained to a chair, the sabertroopers' nodachi blades framing his head. "Frederick Yerfburger has been arrested; your co-conspirators have all been defeated, as they were destined to be. Why did you think you could challenge me and avoid defeat?"

"They gave you a bloody nose, didn't they? They would've kicked your black ass if you fought fair, you cheating bastard," Lee claimed.

"You're surprisingly ignorant of military tactics despite your service in the Marine Corps. Sun Tzu said, 'Warfare is the way of deceit.' To 'fight fair' is to welcome defeat."

Lee didn't read 'The Art of War', but he heard of the book; he knew the writer lived thousands of years ago. "Why are you puking shit out of a dead chink's mouth?"

"By showing respect towards their ancestors, I gain the respect of modern Chinese, who become willing to give me favorable terms in business contracts. This allows companies in which I made heavy investments, such as Ahab's Coffee, to thrive in China."

"China. Ha! I could've conquered that piece of shit country! I would've passed a law to make everyone buy a dozen cups of Ahab's coffee every day! I should've hired a dozen chink whores to suck your dick, making you hungry for chink pussy and getting you on my side! Then you wouldn't have hired these slut troopers to be your harem!"

A150 flew past Vader to punch Lee's abdomen, crushing the organs within and breaking the senator's back. "We're sabertroopers! We serve Lord Vader as living sabers, not sex toys!" The sabertroopers, shocked by the platoon leader's rage, formed a circle around A150 and Lee, their nodachi pointed at the two.

Dragon Wing slid three centimeters out of the plastic scabbard on A150's back, waiting for the platoon leader to use him. "I feel his life force dissipating into the air! I must taste his blood as well! Free me and...!"

Vader put a hand on A150's back, using the Force to calm the platoon leader. "Impaler Princess, you must control your anger, your hatred. You must master heart and mind if you wish to master the sword's curse."

A150 shook as the Sith Lord and the sword's voices screamed in her head. "Yes... Lord Vader." She breathed deeply to calm herself.

Dragon Wing began sliding into the scabbard. "Give in to your anger, and I'll give you Vader's...!" The sword fell silent.

"This is Vader. Code Blue," a hospital emergency code for imminent loss of life, "Detention Block Sierra Seven-Zero. I say again, Code Blue, Detention Block Sierra Seven-Zero, over," the Sith Lord radioed. "I'll let you retire due to medical reasons... injuries sustained in a car accident... in exchange for the money stored in your foreign bank accounts. A more honorable end than being executed as a traitor to the United States of America."

"Nigger... bastard," Lee whispered before falling unconscious.

->

Sunday, January 20, 2013. Morning. "... so the ideals of truth and justice can reach every corner of the world!" Vader, wearing a red tie with silver elephants printed on it, finished to the audience's applause.

Minako, standing beside her husband, turned to kiss Vader's left cheek. "That was a wonderful speech, Vader-kun."

Vader smiled behind his mask. "Thank you, Minako." 'With the United States as my fortress, this entire planet is now under my control.' The Global War On Terror still raged, but Iraq was no longer a battlefield; the sabertroopers impaled everyone foolish enough to raise arms against the US and allied forces. The People's Republic of China was now a US ally, the trillions of dollars worth in trade between the nations promoting diplomatic and military cooperation. The Republican and Democratic Parties-- now firmly under Vader's control-- were united in purpose and action, devoting their time and resources to combating crime, ending poverty, raising the average American's standard of living, and promoting patriotism. 'Events are unfolding according to my plans.' He stepped down the podium to shake the hands of his supporters.

A bearded man watched Vader, now President of the United States of America, pose for a photo with a woman with blood-red hair. 'Strange; that camera uses film instead of storing images digitally.' He unbuttoned his trench coat to draw the Wrath of God, a Nambu Type 14 8 mm pistol with a katana blade extending from the grip. The man knew he was no match for Vader in a sword duel, but he believed the Wrath's gunfire could surprise the Sith Lord, allowing him to kill Vader. He calmly walked towards the podium, trying to avoid detection as the Wrath slid out of its scabbard...

Tsepesh! "Gasp!" The bearded man looked down to see a sword point exit his chest, having entered through his back and pierced his heart. He watched blood shoot from the wound, towards the Sprite in front of him; his eyes widened in surprise as the blood drops flew backwards towards the sword, which absorbed the drops like a sponge. 'Impaler Princess!' Then the Wrath was psychokinetically pulled out of his hand.

Vader unloaded and examined the weapon. "Interesting." He approached the would-be assassin and the sabertrooper brigade commander. "I thank you, and will treasure this gift."

A150 retracted Dragon Wing so Vader's supporters wouldn't notice something was wrong; the politicians there assumed the bearded man was one of them. Vader handed the Wrath and its magazine to Minako. Then A150 dragged the man into a parked Sentinel, where she pulled off the mask of his realsuit. "I know you."

The now unmasked Toon looked down, putting his lips to a microphone hidden in his coat collar. "Shinji... attack."

Sobbing answered him. "No one cares about me-- sob! Misato-san," Colonel Katsuragi Misato, his commanding officer and surrogate mother, "got an S² organ implanted in her-- sniff! Now that she can pilot an Eva, she doesn't need me anymore-- sob! Asuka doesn't even remember who I am! Ayanami...!"

The Toon used his remaining strength to shout, "Shinji, attack now, or I'll make myself forget about you! Then no one will remember who you are!"

"Sob! Yes, Father." Ikari Gendo heard mechanical noises before Dragon Wing dismembered, disemboweled, and decapitated him.

A150 exited the landing craft to see a 40-meter-tall robot rise from the Potomac River. 'Let the coming battle make blood rain down from heaven.' "Gunfighter One, this is Princess One. One mecha has appeared in Sector Charlie Four-Seven. Engage and neutralize the mecha, over."

"Princess One, this is Gunfighter One. Roger, engage and neutralize mecha in Sector Charlie Four-Seven, over," Major (O4) Shinji Ikari answered from the orbiting Executor. Evangelion Unit 01 exited the hangar and skydived towards Washington, DC, becoming a fireball as atmospheric friction began heating its armor.

Meanwhile, the Eva's predecessor confused the audience as it waded towards the US Capitol. "Is that Evangelion Unit 01?" "That's not Evangelion Unit 01! It has no dragon mode, no atomic turbojets, no 280 mm Gauss cannons, no Stinger missiles," mounted on the dragon's front claws, "no CQC claws... And what the hell is that thing on its forehead? An erect penis?!" "I think it's supposed to be a radio antenna." "Whatever it is, it's less useful than Unit 01's laser. That thing can shoot down incoming missiles!"

The 15-year-old Shinji from 'Neon Genesis Evangelion', forgotten as fans embraced 'Evangelion Wars', turned on the loudspeaker. "Misato-san, look at me!" He drew the Eva's progressive knife. "Look at how hard I'm fighting, even though I don't want to! I--!" A 280 mm shell pierced the Eva's helmet before exploding, beheading the Eva and showering the audience with red paint.

"That thing's pathetic," an otaku commented as the dragon pounced, pinning the headless Eva to the riverbed. "It's a rip-off. What do you expect?" "It's not even a good rip-off. That thing has... What? A knife?" They watched the dragon's metal teeth-- designed to crush concrete fortifications-- tear off the Eva's right deltoid and bicep; the powerless hand dropped the knife into the river. "Not anymore." "Whatever it is, it's not as cool as Unit 01's CQC claws or Unit 00's progressive saber." The Eva's sonar let the schoolboy hear words more damaging than the dragon's weapons; realizing he longer existed in people's minds, the schoolboy phased out of existence with the Eva from 'Neon Genesis Evangelion'.

The Green Beret was surprised to find the dragon ankle deep in water instead of standing on the chest of its predecessor; fortunately, an electromagnetic "security field" kept water out of the Gauss cannon barrels. "Princess One, this is Gunfighter One. Target lost, please scan for signs of transporter use, over."

'I sensed the demon's agony and despair as it died. They were delicious.' A150 looked into the landing craft's cargo compartment; Ikari Gendo also phased out of existence. "Gunfighter One, this is Princess One. Return to base, over."

"Say again?" Shinji asked.

"Return to base. Target no longer exists, over."

"Princess One, this is Gunfighter One. Returning to base, over." The dragon unfolded its wings and rocketed into the air.

Alise noticed her brother frowning at the place where the Eva's predecessor disappeared. "Shinji put on a good show, don't you think?"

"Yeah, a good show," Andrew muttered.

"What are you thinking about?"

Andrew sighed. "When you've been on the force as long as I have, you get a kind of feeling when something is going to go south very quickly. To put it another way, I just had a bad feeling about what Vader just said. The guy just invited a whole truckload of trouble into his own backyard."

"Forget about the trouble he's inviting, I'm worried about the trouble he's sending! Did you see what Impaler Princess did to that man?!" Ryo asked.

"Which man?"

"The one that 'gave' Vader a Nambu Type 14 semiautomatic pistol with a 74-centimeter-long katana blade fixed to the frame. I swear Impaler Princess stabbed him in the back! I couldn't see through her mask, but she was probably licking her lips, tasting that man's blood through her sword. And she's just one of 108,000 sabertroopers and vipertroopers stationed all over the world!"

"You're just being paranoid, Mr. Saeba," Alise suggested. "Anna," who posed for the photo, "was right behind Vader. If that man was stabbed in the back, Anna would smell the blood." The woman didn't consider the possibility that the bearded man was a disguised Toon as she turned to a cafe. "I'm getting some coffee. Want anything, Andy?"

Andrew frowned at cafe. "I told you, I only drink black coffee, preferably hot. I don't drink the caffeinated syrup that Ahab's calls, 'coffee.'"

Alise laughed. "Don't be so 1931!"

->

AIC created 'Bubblegum Crisis' and 'Tenchi Muyo!'

Bungie created 'Halo'.

Gainax created 'Evangelion'.

Hasbro and Takara created 'Transformers' and now own the copyrights for 'Gobots'.

Hanna-Barbera animated 'Gobots' based on Bandai's 'Machine Robo' toy line.

Robert Haynie created Fred Yerfburger.

Id Software created 'Doom 3', which provided the Beaver Tooth chainsaw's design.

Kawamori Shoji designed the VE-1 and VF-1.

Konami programmed 'Metal Gear Solid' based on Kojima Hideo's ideas.

George Lucas, Lucasfilm, and Lucasarts created 'Star Wars'.

Pearson Mui created Andrew Mays and his friends.

Oriental Light and Magic animated 'Gunsmith Cats' based on Sonoda Kenichi's manga.

Production I.G. animated 'Jin-Roh' based on Oshii Mamoru's ideas.

Gene Roddenberry created 'Star Trek'.

Sega created 'Sakura Wars'.

Sidewinder created Anna Mason and her friends.

Studio DEEN animated 'Rurouni Kenshin' based on Watsuki Nobuhiro's manga.

Sunrise animated 'City Hunter' based on Hojo Tsukasa's manga, and 'Gundam' based on Tomino Yoshiyuki's ideas.

Toei animated 'Sailor Moon' based on Takeuchi Naoko's manga.

Westwood Studios created 'Command & Conquer: Red Alert 2', which provided the Psychic Dominator's design.