Gundam SEED Fan Fiction ❯ Answer ❯ I was afraid to lose you ( Chapter 1 )

Title: Answer

Author: the Black Rose

Pairing: Athrun x Lacus

Fandom: Gundam Seed

Theme: #2 - News; letter

Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Seed. This fanfiction has no commercial value and I am not making any kind of profit or income off of this story, or the use of characters owned by Sunrise and Bandai.

AN: I did the quotes from the series by memory. They may not be in the correct order or word for word, but we get the drift. This was written for the 30kisses community on LiveJournal. You'll probably be seeing a lot of these from me as I picked 2 couples and am required to write 30 fics a piece. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Thank you so much for reading! Love, Rose

---

Answer

Lacus,

I was surprised by the news of your engagement to Councilmember Jule. Not that I have anything against him, I served with Yzak during the war and know he is as loyal as he is stubborn. But I am surprised to hear you would agree to marry him. Especially when I'm reasonably sure you're in love with someone else.

I feel, Lacus, like I have nothing to lose in telling you everything – everything I've held in for so long. The funny thing about losing the person you care about to someone else is that - I always thought I could only do it once.

But, I haven't. I've lost you twice. First, to my best friend. Now, to a respectable comrade and former rival. I don't suppose I can lose you again, so I'll just say what I want to say.

I'm a fool.

Though not the kind that makes people laugh. I'm a much sorrier kind of fool than that. I should serve as a warning to every person that there is only so much time in this life, only so many chances to tell the people we care about how we feel.

I never told you when we were engaged, how I felt about it; I never told you how much I envied Kira when he won your heart. I never told you how I fought that inner, selfish demon who wanted you to leave my friend and tell me you love me.

I never said a lot of things I didn't think would do any good to say. But, damn it, Lacus, if you're not going to marry Kira, then why aren't you here?

Why aren't you with me?

I never thought I'd settle for second best at anything. But I know that even though you may love someone else, I wouldn't be second best. Not in your heart.

Not at loving you.

I have only one request: tell me why you're doing this.

I love you.

Athrun

---

Athrun stared at the black lettering on the white background of the computer monitor and re-read the letter for the tenth time that night. He'd read it ten times the night before and hundreds of times since the day, three days ago, when he'd sent it.

He'd changed his shirt four times, showered half-dozen times (more often than usual), eaten some number of meals, (when he could remember to), made and un-made his bed – though sleep had been an elusive bedfellow since he'd heard the news… He'd read a book, watched a dozen infomercials on late night TV…

And still, no reply.

"Lacus…" He switched off the computer monitor and gazed at the darkened screen. A ghost of his reflection stared back.

Dark hair fell over his forehead and covered just the top of his eyelids. Shadows darkened the skin under his eyes and streaked the pale flesh of his cheeks. He apparently hadn't remembered to shave, and a three-day-old beard peppered his chin and jaw line.

'I was wrong. I can lose her a third time.' He brought his elbows up to rest on his desk and buried his face in his hands. 'And a fourth time and fifth – everyday, it's like I've lost her again. Why?'

"But, Athrun, isn't she…" Kira bowed his head. All Athrun could see was his friend's mop of brown hair; the Freedom pilot's hands balled into fists at his sides. "Lacus is your fiancée."

The Justice pilot took a slow, deep breath. His stomach pitched in his abdomen and made him feel sick. "Not anymore."

His friend's head shot up and his eyes widened.

"Besides," Athrun said and curved his lips into a smile. "I've seen the way you two look at each other. Like I'd stand in the way of my best friend–"

A grin dawned on Kira's face. "She's amazing, Athrun. I never imagined meeting someone like her…"

'Neither did I.'

Athrun trudged over to his bed. He flopped onto the mattress and stared at the ceiling. 'It's not that I don't think you're capable of being in love with Yzak, I just…it seems like another arrangement. And I don't want that for you. I didn't step aside for you not to follow your heart.'

He rolled over on his side and faced the bathroom door. His bed used to be comfortable, but these days… 'Tell me you love him, Lacus. Tell me anything…'

Athrun closed his eyes and was instantly greeted by the sight of her face. Of all his memories…of all the time he'd known her, the one that was ingrained in his memory was that day: the day he met and fell in love with her.

"If I am to become your enemy, then you may as well shoot me now. Athrun Zala, soldier of Zaft!"

'Just, tell me…'

---

Lacus,

I don't know what to make of your silence. I can only imagine that what I had to say was surprising to you. Though you always seemed to know me better than even I knew myself.

Ever since I sent you that last letter, I've been in hell. Who knew it'd look like this apartment?

Five days, Lacus. I've waited five days for some kind of explanation, some kind of response. I confess, I haven't slept well. I keep thinking I must have done something wrong.

But, I had to say it, I finally had to let it out, I just couldn't keep it bottled up forever.

I love you.

Cagalli told me that once. I know she cares about me the same way I care about her. But it's not the same way I feel about you.

I admit that I never wanted to love you. I didn't, that first time we met. I didn’t even want to know you.

But time changes people. Other relationships change people – they point out all the 'right' places and expose the sore spots in our hearts.

War changes people.

You became stronger – or, more likely, you were always that strong, you just had no need to prove it.

But, I'm screwed up. I never thought I was so affected by everything and everyone – all that happened during the war. Being with Cagalli… I found out just how deep some of these wounds go.

And I realized something else: I'm not over you.

Talk to me, Lacus.

Yours,

Athrun

---

If time crawled the five days after Athrun sent the first email, it slowed to less than zero after the second letter. It wasn't even standing still. The former Justice pilot could have sworn the last time he looked at his watch, it was later then than it was, now.

"She marries him tomorrow." The thought made him feel nauseated. 'Well, there's one advantage to time going backward – the wedding should get further away.' He twisted and turned on the mattress, and still…it was like some unseen force was poking through his skin, into the muscles of his legs and back - causing them to want to move, to the point of pain.

He scowled and dragged to his feet. Athrun needed to pace. He needed to go out and run a marathon and then lapse into a coma – so he could forget. The former Justice pilot exited his bedroom and stepped into one of the other levels of hell: his living room.

The television screen flickered; apparently, it had been left on at some point, but Athrun couldn't remember when he'd last watched it. A khaki-colored blanket was thrown over one end of the couch – it fell onto the coffee table next to the sofa where a can of soda lay on its side; the caramel-colored contents looked like they had congealed on top of the table. Whatever hadn't been soaked up by the edge of the blanket.

The room was dark, the air stagnant and hot. It wasn't conducive to breathing or living – especially not for five days with no relief. 'Has it been five days? I've been cooped up in this apartment too long.'

He scowled at the mess in his living room and decided that pacing his bedroom was the better option. 'It's closer to the computer.' The former Justice pilot turned and went back into his room. He shut the door behind him.

Seconds inched by….. Athrun sat down in front of his computer and maximized his email program and made the request for mail.

Still no reply.

He crossed his arms on top of his desk and lay his head down on top of his forearms. Athrun closed his eyes. 'Lacus…'

"Oh! I love it!" The pink-haired girl twirled around with the noisy ball of metal cradled in her arms. The ordinary haro squawked and flapped its small wings.

"He's my favorite color – pink!" She giggled. Her blue eyes danced even when the rest of her remained still. "In fact, I think I'll call him Mr. Pink."

Athrun shook his head. Why did girls always had to name things 'mister' something? "Are you sure it's a boy?"

She nodded, apparently oblivious to his sarcasm. "Definitely. You hear the way he talks?"

As if on queue the metal ball flapped its wings and chimed: "Hello – hello!"

His fiancée stepped closer and peered up at him. He could see the few, light freckles on her nose, and smell some weird, flowery scent. She wore a purple dress with purple shoes and even had purple paint on her fingernails. Girls… All the kids in his class thought he was weird to be getting married, already. Athrun studied the carpet by his shoes. He even felt weird…

"Besides, he's my reminder."

"Reminder?" He looked up and saw Lacus's bright smile – beaming at him.

"Yeah." She shrugged her shoulders and then hugged the newly titled Mr. Pink. "Whenever I look at him, he'll remind me of you."

'How did you feel?"

"He said he was a close friend of yours. I often saw him with the birdy you made him perched on his shoulder."

"He still has it?"

'Why didn't I ask? We were supposed to be friends, at least…'

"I wonder what Mr. Yamato is doing now?"

"I…I like him."

'I never thought much about it. You two were–You were close. You told him things…You told him how you felt. But I– I never knew…anything about you.'

Athrun sat on the edge of the bed, staring at the door; he held his breath. Another knock sounded and then the panel slid open. Lacus, Captain Lacus, retracted her hand and held it to her collarbone. His heart began to pound, and he clutched the edge of the mattress beneath his knees to keep from falling over. "I…I'm sorry…if-if I'm bothering you." Her eyes met his, and he could see the crinkled skin between her brows.

"No. Come in. I have something…" Athrun swallowed against a knot in his throat. "… I have to tell you." He glanced down at the floor.

"Are…are you–""My father…" The Justice pilot clenched his eyes shut and tried to block out the memory.

"It goes without saying, Athrun, that your engagement to Miss Clyne–"

"I heard from Miss Attha about your conversa–"

He looked up; she was bending forward as if she meant to touch him, but froze halfway - when he 'caught' her. "He said our engagement is over."

She gasped. Athrun bowed his head. "S-so you don't have to worry–"

"Is that what you want?"

"…about me. Or about being with Kira."

Her hand grazed his shoulder and then retracted. He looked up at her again; her head was bowed, and her hair shielded her eyes.

"Huh?"

Her hand still hovered in mid-air; it trembled. "You always wanted to be in love," she said in a quiet voice. Her outstretched fingers dropped back towards her palm, and took the rest of her arm back to her side. "Didn't you, Athrun?"

"It just…it would make things easier." For both of us.

"Yes. And you've become fond of Miss Attha, haven’t you?" Was he imagining things or had her voice changed to a whisper?

"She's…different." Athrun nodded. 'But this war has taken all of my emotions and put them through a blender. I don't know what I feel for anyone… I know I loved my father, once…. Some days, on the good days, I don't feel anything at all.'

"I know…I do care about her."

"I like her, too." Her voice sounded further away. But Athrun found he couldn't force himself to look up – to see her walk out the door.

"I’m glad you won't be alone anymore."

'What did you mean by that? Why did I never understand what you were saying? It's like you spoke to me in riddles, always afraid…'

"It's kind of weird, sometimes. You're always around adults, you have a career." He stood beside her in the garden and watched simulated clouds play a game of tag in the sky. "I spend my time in a lab at school and around guys who have contests to see who can spit the farthest."

She giggled. "I'd like to meet them."

"Huh?" Athrun turned to stare at her.

"Your friends, silly," she said with a smile. "I want to know the people who are important to you."

He bolted upright in his bed. His heart pounded in his ears, and a wave of pain started in his stomach and shot through his chest. Athrun doubled over and clutched at his side. 'I can't believe…'

He took a deep breath, and tried to calm his racing pulse; the former Justice pilot stared out into the darkened room and the computer on his desk. 'All this time…'

"Were you afraid to…" Another pain gripped his abdominal muscles. "Were you afraid to lose me, too?"

---

Lacus,

I know you're reading my letters. You're too kind to ignore them like it seems.

I could tell you I'm going crazy cooped up in this place. Doing nothing but waiting. But, it's not really about that.

All along, you've never told me, you never said how you feel. Were you afraid, the same way I was? Were you afraid we wouldn't make it work? That we'd end up like so many others - when all either of us had left in this world was the other?

I always assumed you were in love with Kira. But that was just for my sake, wasn't it?

I don't know! I've been staring at these walls so long, nothing makes sense anymore.

So, I'm asking you. No I'm letting you know, that no matter what…

I'll always be here for you.

If marrying Yzak makes you happy, that's all I want for you.

But tell me that! Talk to me, Lacus.

I promise you, I'll listen.

Always,

Athrun

---

Athrun didn't know what dragged him into consciousness in the middle of the night. He just knew his eyes were open again – those windows to this living hell.

A light thump sounded from the doorway. Athrun felt like his heart leapt out of his chest and hit the ceiling. He gulped a breath of air, and pulled the gun from his nightstand. The former Justice pilot gained his feet and crept out into the living room.

'Who is it?' He opened his mouth to ask the question aloud. Athrun held the gun pointed at the ceiling, but pulled in close to his chest. "Who–" He whipped around the corner and aimed the gun at the source of the noise. "-s ther…"

He froze into a block of ice - the type someone must have carved into the size and shape of a Zaft soldier. His hell changed in an instant into a warped version of heaven. A pink-haired cloud sat on the floor, a collection of multi-colored balls rocking silently back and forth on the edge of her long, white dress. Her hushed voice cooed to the mechanical creatures to stay quiet.

Athrun heard a clatter and realized he'd dropped his gun.

Lacus glanced up. Her features were smooth and pale in the dim lighting. He fell back against the door frame.

"Hello, Athrun."

"Lacus." He blinked; his right hand came up to rub something out of his eye.

She clutched the pink metal ball in the palms of her hands. Lacus bowed her head; the small mountain of curls piled on top shook with the movement. She spoke to the small, mechanical menace. "Mr. Pink let us in. I went to your room to wake you, but you looked so peaceful lying there… And I know you haven't been sleeping well."

"Lacus, what…?" Sunlight trickled in the window along the far wall; as it moved across the fabric of her dress, the light would catch on small patches of sequins and flash in his eyes. Athrun brought a hand up to the right side of his face to block out some of the glare. "What are you doing here?"

"I figured it would be quieter here. There was a lot of screaming and shouting going on outside the church." She still looked like she was talking to Mr. Pink. "I didn't think that was appropriate. To be yelling right there on the steps of the building…."

The weight that someone had tied to Athrun's heart finally lifted. A laugh bubbled up from his stomach, but died on his lips before it could escape. The burst of energy that had seized his body when he first woke up, drained from his muscles. He slid down the doorjamb to the floor. "I'm sure you know why that would be."

"Yes. I can understand that everyone went through a lot of trouble for this wedding. And I promise, I'll pay them for their hard work." She met his eyes. Her light-colored brows pinched into a frown beneath the fringe of hair on her forehead – it was the only hair that wasn't swept up on top of her head into the delicate twist of curls and ringlets–

"I've already called Mr. Prescott to send payment for all the invoices he's received, and to be sure that every member of the staff receives a fair amount for their efforts."

Athrun shook his head; he found the energy to get to his knees. But that was as far as he got. He crawled towards her. "I don't think the caterer was the one shouting. You left Yzak at the altar, didn't you?" He paused a short distance away – at the edge of the silk barrier.

"I know it's terribly unfair." Her eyes flit down to stare at Mr. Pink, again. "But I just couldn't pretend anymore. I tried believing I could love him, the way I did with Kira, but I don't know if I'm just not as good at it or if–"

"You received my letters?"

She swallowed, and then wet her lips. Athrun thought maybe she'd look up again…

"Yes. I did."

The former Justice pilot caught his breath. His heart began to pound. "And…" his voice barely caught in his throat and produced sound.

Her knuckles, where she gripped the pink Haro, turned yellow and then white. "I was very surprised. You sounded…" Athrun leaned forward and grabbed Mr. Pink.

'Her reminder.'

She gasped but didn't put up a struggle; her fingers instantly released the metal ball. The former Justice pilot laid Mr. Pink on the floor.

"You sounded very unlike the Athrun I knew." Her hands folded together and dropped to her lap. She bowed her head.

"I'm not the Athrun you knew." He reached over and grasped her chin.

"Oh?" Her voice faltered, and he could see tears collect in her eyes. He gently turned her head to face him.

Lacus finally looked at him; her blue eyes stared directly into his. "And how is this Athrun different?"

The former Justice pilot felt his mouth go dry. His heart raced… 'I can lose her a third time. And a fourth and….' He swallowed and forced the words to his lips. "This one knows…" He dropped his arms back to his sides.

"This one knows he loves you."

"I see." A tear trickled down one cheek. She reached up to wipe it away. "Oh, my–"

"You don't have to pretend with me, Lacus. If you want to cry, it's okay."

She launched herself into his arms and he was actually surprised by the strength of her grip. A sob shook her shoulders; Athrun gathered her close in his arms.

"I'm here," he whispered into the top of her head. "It's taken me a long time, but I'm finally here." His hands slid around her silk-covered waist; she clutched the front of his t-shirt.

"And I'm not going to lose you again." He pulled away; his left hand came up to tilt her chin and Athrun leaned forward again - to brush his lips against her mouth.

The contact was short-lived; Lacus's eyes went wide and she pushed against his chest. "Athrun…"

He pulled her back into his embrace and kissed her again. This time, her arms wound around his neck; her fingers tangled in his hair…

This time, she returned his kiss.
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