Gundam SEED Fan Fiction ❯ Responsibility ❯ Responsibility ( Chapter 1 )

AN: My first Gundam Seed fic. I am a Lacus fan, so I thought I may as well write some fanfic honoring her, since the series, in my opinion, didn't do enough on that front.

BTW, this ignores anything that happened after the original series. No OVA's, no Destiny (even though I placed them in the location of one of the OVA's). I'm not currently planning any additional chapters to this story. I do have perhaps some other short series ideas for KxL and/or AxL.

One more thing: Italics are either inner thoughts or memories/flashbacks. If there are single quotes ' space ', then it's inner dialogue. If there are double quotes or no quotes, it's a flashback or memory.

Thank you, in advance, for reading. Love, Rose

Fire leapt from the machine with an almost-human face; it was a desolate
battlefield. Scorching air gusted from the wreckage and the blaze grew - devouring the tranquil sky.

Athrun blinked and the image dissolved back to a homey family room on one of the Marshall Islands. It was Reverend Malchio's home for war orphans, and though he wasn't one of those being taken care of here, it was only his age that made him any different.

'Mother...In all the battles I fought... I couldn't bring you back.'

A child's laughter echoed from somewhere down the hall. In the kitchen, running water made a soft, shushing noise as Lacus washed dishes from their earlier dinner. It wasn't work he would have expected a beautiful and pampered pop idol to do - at least not willingly. But the young woman with the long, pink hair had shooed him away before he could lift a finger to help.

'Lacus Clyne...'

"Kira." Her lyrical voice brought Athrun out of his reverie.

His long-time friend glanced up from where he, too, had been staring into the fireplace.

“Would you help me in the kitchen?”

Kira got up from the couch and shuffled out of the room. His eyes never seemed to settle on the pink-haired girl who called his name. As he passed, Lacus bowed her head, and for a moment, Athrun thought she might be crying. When Kira was no longer in the room, she cast a glance at the other occupant. Her delicate brow furrowed; her kind blue eyes were clear. She smiled at Athrun - though the gesture didn’t agree with the rest of her expression - then turned to follow the other boy back into the kitchen.

Lacus cupped a single, white rose and inhaled its fragrance. She turned and glanced up at him, a concerned expression on her face. “Do you think we’ll be happy, Athrun?”

The question caught him off-guard. He blinked. “Happy?”

“Yes." She released the flower and watched it float gently on the crest of a gentle breeze. "I know many people have said that even though their marriages were arranged, they learned to love each other and be happy together.” The flower spun in mid-air and tumbled to the ground.

“Yeah." He shrugged. "But...what else would they say? The miserable ones got divorced and don’t talk about it.”

She bowed her head and turned away. The breeze caught strands of her long hair and brushed them against her cheek. “You’re so logical. I should have expected that of you.” Her child-like energy seemed to dissolve before his eyes.

“I-I’m sorry. I didn’t mean–“

“No. There’s no reason to apologize." Her fingers traced the edges of a white rose still attached to its plant. "I believe we can be happy, if we want to be. I know…" She turned completely around and ran her hand lightly over the top of the rose bush as she stepped away.

Athrun watched the distance grow between them and started after her.

"…it’s not what either of us chose. I always dreamed I’d be in love..."

"Love." Athrun repeated. No one had bothered to ask them if they wanted this
arrangement. "No one cares--"

She spun around to face him - the wind catching her hair and stirring it together with golden sunlight.

"But, I like you, Athrun. When I see you, I feel warm and happy to be with you." Her blue eyes wavered in the daylight, and he knew--

"To talk with you. If that feeling never fades, then I think... we at least have a chance.”

The kitchen door banged open and Kira seemed to move through the doorway in slow motion. His dark hair covered the side of his face that was towards Athrun; he didn’t return to the couch. Instead, Kira turned the other direction and went out the back door.

The former pilot of the Justice Gundam glanced through the doorway and caught sight of Lacus sitting at the end of the table with her head bowed and her hands clasped. Before the door closed, he saw her shoulders quiver, and a soft sob escaped her lips.

Athrun shut his eyes and his hands balled into fists. 'Damn you, Kira.'

He stood up from the sofa and followed his friend.

"At least we have a chance." Her voice was a song carried by the gentle breeze.

'A chance at what?'

The twilight sky was like the cooling embers in Reverend Malchio's fireplace: fading orange in the midst of charred black embers burning, flickering brighter, then finally vanishing into the darkness.

It was hard to tell whether there was any spark left deep inside his friend.

'I didn't want it to come to this.'

Kira stood at the edge of the porch. A wooden rail followed the circumference of the deck where it met with the rocky terrain overlooking the ocean. Athrun came to stand beside his friend. The former Justice pilot shoved both hands in his pockets and stared up at the night sky.

His father placed a hand on his shoulder. "Athrun, in order to keep the Coordinator race untainted..."

He took a deep breath and exhaled. "You realize she's in love with you."

Kira remained silent for a moment, his gaze fixed on some point in the distance. "I...I'm not sure."

"I'm-I'm sorry. This is something I have to do, Cagalli. I don't expect you to understand or even--"

"No! I hate it! Why does it always have to be--" She choked; tears spilled over and ran down her face. "Why do you always run away?"

"I gave you a chance, Kira." Athrun's fingers dug into the skin of his leg through the thin lining of his pants pockets. "A chance to make her happy."

"I wonder what Mr. Yamato is doing right now." She smiled from where she sat next to him at the table. A couple of small birds ate the bits of cracker Lacus held in her hand.

"I...I like him."

Kira turned his head and looked at Athrun. "Huh?"

The former Justice pilot kept his focus on a pinpoint of light in the heavens reflecting off one of the PLANT settlements. "We’ve been engaged–"

"I thought it was over." Kira's voice sounded flat, empty - like he was exhausted. "What about–"

"The engagement was never officially ended. Her father was never notified, and never agreed..." Athrun swallowed against a lump in the back of his throat. "...before he died."

"Now that you're here, Athrun, it's my daughter's turn to leave," Sigel Clyne said with a sigh. "When are you two going to spend some time together?"

Kira pivoted to face his friend. He held balled fists out from his sides. Something sparked in his eyes and he glared. "Your father was responsible for Sigel Clyne's death."

"I know." Athrun winced and squeezed his eyes shut.

"Your father and I don't always see eye to eye, I know. But I believe...I believe you'll make her happy." Lacus's father and chairman of the PLANT Supreme Council clapped him on the shoulder.

"And because of that, my duty to my family, to her family, and to PLANT, I have to honor my commitment."

"You're more than a soldier. And there's so much more to this life than fighting these endless battles. Remember that. I believe..." Lacus's father began. "No, I know you're a good man, Athrun."

The former Gundam pilot opened his eyes and finally turned to face his friend head on. "We're getting married, Kira."

"But what about Cagalli?" Kira gasped; his eyes were wide and his mouth didn't seem to want to close. "I thought–"

"I care for her very deeply. I probably even love her." Athrun swallowed and tried his best to block out the memory of her face... The way she'd looked when he told her. The way she cried when he left.

Her blond hair hung low into her face, but didn't hide her pain. "I love you! You told me you did, too..."

"But for a long time, this aspect of my life has been decided. My wife was chosen for me, and despite my dislike for the practice, I care about Lacus." He heaved a deep breath and tried to keep his racing pulse under control. "And she is the person I picture in my future." Athrun's hands clenched into fists and he knew the calm exterior he was trying to maintain was crumbling to pieces. His voice changed to sound something like pleading: "I'm not in love with her, but Kira–"

"No!" His friend brought both palms up to his ears. "I don't want to hear it." Tears formed in his eyes and he looked at Athrun like he'd just been stabbed - and Athrun was the one holding the knife.

The former Justice pilot turned away. "Why does it matter to you?"

"You said...I thought... H-h-how can you just marry someone you don't even love? Doesn't she deserve–"

"She deserves someone who won't hurt her." Athrun shook his head. "I've seen the way she looks at you and her eyes when you don't look back." He glanced at his friend. "You don't love her, do you?"

"I don't--I don't KNOW!"

Athrun bowed his head and closed his eyes. "That's not good enough, Kira." A burning sensation shot through his chest and grabbed his heart. "PLANT has been wanting this marriage to take place – the son of the great Patrick Zala marries their beloved princess and shining star." He opened his eyes and lifted his head. He met Kira's gaze. "I was willing to step aside for your sake, but you're so absorbed in your own pain. You won't let anyone in to help you heal."

Kira looked away. The distant sound of ocean breakers filled the otherwise silent air.

"I killed her." His friend finally spoke. His face was ashen and his eyes transfixed on that invisible something in the distance, again. The spark that had rekindled flickered and then faded.

"I killed Fllay."

"Yeah, and I killed you."

"Huh?"

"That time." A soft breeze swept in from the ocean and stretched cool fingers out to brush the hair from his forehead. "When I destroyed Strike, I thought you were dead. That I killed you."

"You kill because you're already dead!" Tears coursed down Cagalli's face even as she still aimed the gun.

"You think peace is going to come like that?"

"I know what it's like to be numb. To want to feel the way we used to, and not feel anything at all. But as long as you keep things in–"

"I promised to protect Fllay. And my friends!" Kira's voice rose sharply.

Athrun winced.

"I promised to fight and save…so many people I didn't." Kira held a hand out in front of him, then clenched it shut - like he was reaching for something he couldn't grasp. "I couldn't save her, or her father...."

"You failed. So what does that mean? It means your life is over?" Athrun shouted. "Is that what it means? That you have to punish yourself to the point where your friends have to watch you die? Watch you waste away in front of our eyes?"

Kira's head sunk towards his chest. "I deserve to be dead. What right do I have to still be alive, Athrun? I want to know. Because I search for the answer, and I can't find it."

"What right do I have to live when Nichol's dead?" Athrun shut his eyes and fought back tears. "What right do any of us have? War is the worst level of hell, Kira. Even Satan couldn't stomach it and banished it to outer space. But whether you believe you deserve to live or not, you're alive."

He opened his eyes and met his friend's gaze. "For whatever reason. And we who survived have a responsibility to all those who gave their lives – not to waste our own. The price paid was too high for us to waste time, precious time, dying beneath the surface." Athrun reached to put a hand on the former Freedom pilot's shoulder.

Kira turned away.

"Even if you don't believe you owe it to yourself to make the most of your
life – you owe it to every person you killed, to every person you failed to protect, and to every enemy you defeated."

"That's easier said than done." Kira's voice sounded thick - like he was also battling not to cry.

Athrun shrugged and stuffed his hands back in his pockets. "I know."

"What do you believe in and fight for? Is it the medals? Your father's orders?"

'Lacus...'

"So." The former Freedom pilot found his voice.

"So."

"You and Lacus..." Kira swallowed, but didn't continue.

"Yeah."

"If…if I asked you…" His friend's hand gripped the railing so hard the knuckles of his hand turned white.

Athrun felt his heart twist in his chest. "You'd have to tell me why," he said in a quiet voice. "And I don't think you know the answer to my question."

A dark wave crashed against the shore then slowly ceded back to sea. A bird cried in the distance, then all was silent once more.

"I don't," Kira said, "have that answer."

Athrun shook his head. "Then I can't sit by. We're both obligated." He turned to go back into the house. He still had to tell Lacus--

"I do care... I just–"

Athrun paused in his step. "You want her to wait until you get your life and feelings sorted out. And then what?"

"What if I don't love her? That's not fair to--"

Athrun scowled. "You loved her before. When you brought her back to me."

Kira's voice traveled throughout the Zaft forces' Nazca-class ship. "This is the pilot of the Gundam Strike...I am bringing Lacus Clyne to you. I will hand her over on the condition that we are met only by the pilot of the Aegis."

"Commander," Athrun tried to keep his voice steady as he addressed his superior, "allow me to go."

"That was…a long time ago, Athrun. It seems like...too long ago."

"I do care for Lacus very much..." The former Justice pilot felt his chest tighten. "...in my own way. She'll be taken care of. You don't have to worry about that."

"I know."

"And I. I expect you to make sure Cagalli..."

He heard footsteps behind him, and Athrun turned around. Tears streamed down Kira's face. "I don't. I don't want to let go." He took another step towards Athrun and the house, his face contorted in an expression of pain. "It's being selfish. I know that. I can't offer her... Anything. I have nothing to give. You have to–"

"I already promised. Now, promise me."

Kira lowered his head. His shoulders shook and his fists quavered at his sides. "I'll make sure Cagalli is safe. I can do that."

"Thank you." Athrun turned to go.

"Athrun."

"Yeah."

"How--how did it come to this?" Kira's voice sounded anguished. Athrun could tell his friend
was still crying. "Why–"

'You don't understand... You weren't supposed to give up.'

"Why is a question for fools, Kira. When you stop asking why, you'll find the
answers."

"I'm not going to be anyone's duty or responsibility, Athrun." Lacus's normally
soft blue eyes narrowed. "I won't give up on Kira."

"And I know... He won't give up, either."



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