Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ A Different Circumstance (Arc) ❯ #6 - Empty Ends ( Chapter 6 )

Later, lying in bed with Wufei by his side, both of them silent and staring up at the ceiling, Heero wondered if he was going to go to Hell. Absently, he noted the various wet spots that were uncomfortably sticky against his skin, as well as a particularly cool patch from where he had pressed Wufei, hard, into the bed earlier. On impulse, he swiped idly for the other's hand, capturing and lightly clasping it, resting it against his hip. Between his fingers, Wufei's skin was warm and slightly damp with sweat, and when Heero cursorily glanced over, he felt a twinge of guilt for the visible bruises on the slender wrists. The twinge lasted all of a fleeting moment; it'd been clear, from the second occasion, when he hadn't been blindly drunk, that they both preferred it rough. Next to him, he felt Wufei tense, but only barely.

 

“Do you—” Heero started, and then he didn't quite know how to finish, because he wasn't sure what he'd been thinking of asking. Any of the usual finishers seemed vaguely inappropriate and inaccurate for the thoughts running through his mind. He pressed his lips together tightly with an apologetic jerk of his head, and sensed more than felt the other man smile.

 

“Just say it.”

 

Heero paused, then shrugged as best as he could in his position. “It's nothing.”

 

“Why is it nothing?”

 

He blinked at the persistance—should have known better than to start something without finishing it, by now—and distractedly ran his thumb over the fine skin of webbing in between Wufei's thumb and index finger.

 

Wufei gave a little huff. Heero could tell that the other man was about to start again, could already hear the steady and sarcastic voice in his mind, slightly rough at the edges with some sleepiness and low with the aftermath sated quality of sex. “Is it nothing because it doesn't make sense? Because it sounds ridiculous even in your head? People think about something all the time. So, when does 'something' become 'nothing'?”

 

He always had these near-philosophical discussions with Wufei, most of them in this time bracket half an hour after intimacy and a few hours before bed. It had become routine now, for them to lie awake and while the long, endless night away, either quietly with few words and a pack of cigarettes, occasionally beer, and oftentimes with these 'safe' topics of conversation. Heero contemplated where the lines of the danger zone were drawn, and realized that Wufei's probing was hitting unpleasantly close to the border.

 

“All of what you said,” he finally replied, keeping his own tone even. “And 'something' becomes 'nothing' when I want it to be.” He knew Wufei had picked up on the switch from the hypothetical to the personal, and was grateful when the other man fell silent and didn't answer or call him on it.

 

Did he want this to be nothing? In his perhaps saner moments, Heero knew he should wish fervently for it to be so. Only if something were nothing could he dismiss it, excuse it, forget it. He closed his eyes, remembered the look of almost agonizing bliss on sharp features, sensuous lips parted and gasping his name, flashing dark eyes locked onto his as he eased his way in, strong hands tightening painfully on the back of his neck, around his arms.

 

He could dismiss all of that, excuse all of it, forget all of it, if it were nothing. God yes, Heero knew he should wish for everything to be nothing.

 

Because this wasn't love. Heero didn't even know if he liked men, if he liked this man. What proper, aboveboard, noble feelings were involved in this tryst? None whatsoever. As far as Heero could tell, it was lust, and it was something too dark and unformed that he couldn't have named it if he'd tried. And he did try, because Heero liked to know what he was dealing with, be it within himself or with others. So far, however, all his depression and his introspection had been in vain. He kept coming back, and he didn't know what for. He ignited, here, in the haven of a stranger's embrace, in the heat between their groins, and he didn't know why.