Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ A World in a Grain of Sand ❯ Analysing ( Chapter 19 )

Author: Keiran

Title: A World in a Grain of Sand 19/21

Pairings: 1+2+1. Broadly speaking.

Rating: R overall, for no reason really.

Genre: Romance, mild angst, historical sort of fantasy.

Warnings: Shounen-ai, tiny bit of angst.

Archive: Gundam Wing Diaries, Cali0cat's Archive, my homepage. If you want it, drop me a line.
Notes: Duo tries to analyse everything from a logical, reasonable point of view.

Thank you Sundaire for betaing!

Andrew - you didn't leave an email or anything, so sorry for making you wait for a reply. Hopefully this chapter would clear my reasoning a bit. I do my best so that the ending doesn't seem rushed, although I can't say that the point of the fic is a 1x2 get-together. I am having dark thoughts about that right now, to tell the truth. The point is whatever you make of it. :P But seriously - most of all, I would hate for this story to become another black and white rabid fangirl ficcy.

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Spring gradually eased into summer, bringing with it warm, lazy afternoons and short, starlit nights. The sun seemed determined to make the work of farmers more than worthwhile, shining with all of its might onto the golden fields and gardens. Tranquillity filled the air, giving men peace of mind and soul. 

In some cases, however, the summer heat did nothing to relieve the tension. Duo Maxwell woke night after night, cursing the hot weather with a passion. Usually, this time of the year didn't offer many jobs for the healers - there was an occasional childbirth and some minor accidents, but normally the summer months went by without much notice at the temple. The only major activity at the time was collecting and drying herbs, which normally was left to the novices. All in all, Duo had way too much time on his hands to actually *think* about life. And the great general.

Heero would have been proud and glad to hear that his person occupied the healer's mind at all times, yet he would have probably been less than happy with the actual content of those thoughts. Duo wondered, especially at nights, if he had done the right thing in binding himself to the man. It hadn't really been a conscious decision on his part at first - he had hurt so much when Hilde died; even if he had seen it coming, it had hurt so much! He fled from everything and everyone then, finding solace in the quiet woods. He didn't want to be comforted. He knew, logically, that something like that had to happen one day; that if anyone would have died of an illness, it probably wouldn't be him. He had travelled so much, been exposed to so many different environments, that he would be lucky, figuratively speaking, if he ever got seriously sick again.

Logically, he knew also that Hilde's death was not his fault. He was, after all, barely into his twenties. True, he was experienced, but there is a limit to the experience a twenty-year-old can have, no matter how perceptive. Even the master healers couldn't have saved the girl. But there was no denying the fact the he was a healer. He took death rather personally.

Finally though… he was tired. Tired of being alone, tired of being strong, tired of relying on himself all of the time. Tired of being different. He knew he was - no matter how much the other healers liked him, he was born - and raised - as a court noble, and that fact separated him from everyone else. Oh, he knew he was liked, that was fairly easy to see. But also knew that the people who surrounded him instinctively put him on a pedestal, one he could never step down from. He was tired of it as well.

Heero had been a welcome relief, although it was not until much later that Duo had acknowledged the fact. He needed someone like Heero and the challenge the man presented. Intellectually, the man was his equal; they had enough in common to make conversations pleasing, and at the same time they were so different, that the conversations were indeed interesting. Duo couldn't deny that there was passion between them; he had the proof of that. Physically he wanted Heero as much as the general wanted him. It was the emotions that bothered him.

There was, undoubtedly, something there. It started off worse than bad for Heero: the healer had been indifferent. He had been anxious to close and forget that chapter of his life; in a way he had almost succeeded too. Yes, he hated being forced. He loathed having his own body turn traitor on him. But at the same time, even though he would have never acknowledged it, not even to himself, Heero, during that one year, had given him more warmth and care than he had received in his entire life. No matter how fiercely he fought against that realization, he had loved the attention.

He was mostly alone as a child; he was encouraged to spend time with his books and elderly scholars instead of girls and boys his own age. The thing about books was that, no matter how immersing they were, they couldn't keep him warm at night. Heero could and had.

Of course before Heero would hold him he would violate him, not exactly the thing a teenage boy wanted to have on his mind while cuddling. Although… after the first excitement had died down, Heero seemed to be rather content with sharing the bed without initiating intercourse. Ever since he had arrived at the temple, the young healer often found himself laying awake at night envisioning the general's hands in a tender embrace around him, the man's warm breath in his hair. It had surprised him, in retrospect, how many nights he had spent merely being held. Duo sighed. He could sometimes just go and hit himself, for always trying to be fair and rational. So what, the angry part exclaimed, if Heero had held him on some nights! He certainly didn't mind using him on others!

"It's a moot point," Duo said aloud. "So he made me sleep with him, big deal." He had hoped the uncertainty he felt didn't reflect in his voice.

Altogether, the balance was, in Duo's recognition, somewhere at zero the time they were parted, which allowed him to give Heero a chance of proving himself when they next met.

Now, he just wondered, if that chance wasn't too rash a decision on his part. He loved the feeling of being warm and wanted; his mind tended to associate that particular feeling with desire and fulfilment, true, but also humiliation. He wasn't certain if he could ever separate the sensations. He wasn't a child anymore. He had thought about the situation, long and hard, and he realized that Heero had become important to him. Important enough to want him to stay, forever. Hence the giving in to what he believed Heero wanted most of all - his body. If that was what it took for the general to stay, so be it. Maybe not exactly the most rational of decisions, but he wasn't in a rational state of mind then.

He was glad his offer was rejected. He was so overwhelmed with grief he probably would have slipped into the mindset he had adopted for dealing with his enslavement in the first place, which wouldn't work out all that well. But Heero said no; said he would wait.

Now the question was, would Duo ever be ready for a relationship?

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Duo had taken to wandering aimlessly around the cool corridors of the temple. Walking usually helped him to relax, to collect his thoughts. Goddess knew he needed that. He could recall no other time when his thoughts were this scattered, although he did realize that in all the times they were scattered, there was the distinctive figure of the Sanq's great general moving from one to another. Leaning his forehead against cool stones Duo smiled bitterly.

What was he to do?

His inner turmoil absorbed him so much, that the quiet voice of the master healer nearly made him jump high into the air. "Master," he said bowing respectfully. "Can I help you?" the old man regarded him for a few moments.

"I was hoping I might help you," he answered shortly. "I understand that you and the general had finally come to an agreement?" Duo averted his eyes. He didn't bother thinking how the man knew that - It was his duty to see to every healer's physical and mental health.

"Of sorts," he replied finally. "I was… upset after Hilde died. I thought… it was stupid of me… but I didn't want to be alone anymore," he admitted with difficulty.

"Did the general take you up on the offer?" Duo shook his head.

"Not entirely, at least not physically," he answered, his cheeks colouring slightly. He allowed himself to be led around the corner and out into the gardens, where the old man could sit without straining his bones.

"A point in his favour then?"

"You could… say that," Duo admitted softly. "I just… I know, I *feel* that I could have been happy with him, if we hadn't… *met* before!" he almost spat. "He is everything I could have possibly wanted, I could see that even then! I'm the problem," he finished mournfully. It took a few silent moments before he spoke again. "I cannot… I am unable to accept being touched, unless I concentrate fully on it. And it hurts." The last part arrived as a broken whisper, barely perceptible.

"I… wish, sometimes, that I had never fallen down that cliff," Duo said after a long while. "It had been straightforward, before that. Impossible to accept and horrible, but… I could hate him in peace, everything was so… simple."

"Ah, yes, probably," the master healer agreed. "But eventually you would start looking for accidents to happen to you, am I right?" The younger man curled on the low bench, pressing his forehead to his knees. The soft confirmation did not go unnoticed.

Suicide had always been something he would never consider, but he could hardly deny that the fall down the cliff wasn't entirely unexpected. It was always there, deep in his mind, the silent hope that one day a catwalk would give out and he would fall into silence and darkness. He had, after all, deliberately sought for situations that were not exactly dangerous, but offered a distant promise.

Cliffs. Narrow bridges. Slippery windowsills. His balance had the chance to prove itself, time and time again.

"That, I imagine, still gave you a source of power, being the master of your own life," the elderly man spoke quietly. "Now, however, he wants you back, but on entirely different terms. Is that what you fear? Giving up control over your life, to him no less?"

"No…" Duo said slowly. "I don't think it's about control. I think… I'm just scared of losing him."

"Losing him?" The older healer turned fully to look at his younger friend. "Losing him?" he repeated, "But you cannot lose him if you don't have close him first," he said softly.

"Not… like that," Duo blushed slightly. The master's words were laced with delicate suggestion of exactly how close the general wanted to be, and the young healer couldn't help but react to the images. "I… it's really hard to explain. I… he means something to me, important even, you could say, but…" Duo said, gesticulating helplessly with his hands, hoping for the other man to understand. Eventually, the elderly man nodded.

"I think I know what you mean," he said slowly. "He is important, but you do not know if that importance is the right kind of importance, is that right?" Duo gave the man a slightly confused stare. "I think you worry if he is a person to you, or is he just an experience of your past." The statement did strike a nerve. The violet eyed healer stared off into space for a longer while, digesting the other man's words.

"Yes," he said finally. "I think you might be right. Partly at least. If I look at Heero now, I see the person he is, or at least I hope what I see is who he *is*. But at the same time I have the image of the great general hovering in my mind. Sometimes… I find it hard to tell the difference."

"Ah." After a brief pause the older man continued, "then all is not lost, if you can see Heero, not the general when you look at him."

"But then I remember that Heero still *is* the general. And that is what I cannot forget."

"Than maybe you shouldn't try to forget," the elderly man said, getting up slowly. "Maybe what you need to do is accept."

"How can I accept everything that has happened?" Duo asked, somewhat annoyed.

"There is no need for anger, young one," the master advised sternly. "Anger changes nothing, merely clouds reason."

"How can I be reasonable, master. How?"

"I think you try to be too reasonable, Duo. And I think it is confusing you. Because if my reason doesn't fail, you should have rejected the first advances on his part, in a fashion that would leave no room for doubt. Likely breaking some of his bones in the process.

"No, I think you have already accepted what has already happened. What you have not yet acknowledged is that you miss it." Duo's eyes opened wide. Of all the things he expected, this wasn't even coming close! Yet… he knew it was true. Was that not one of his own thoughts, after all? He stared unseeing, at the grass below his feet, trying to calm his swarming thoughts.

Could he accept accepting the knowledge?