Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Acting As If... (A Passion Play in Five Acts) ❯ Act I ( Chapter 1 )

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Gundam boys, I just like to imagine them in my own little world (which is totally of my imagining). No profits are made from this story, just gratuitous pleasure.

Summary: Everything was so great between us during the war that I could hardly believe it when he left me without even a word once it had ended. It was only with the help of my friends that I kept from going off of the deep end, but the hurt never eased. I kept living, but I felt as if I was in a play, `acting as if' my heart had mended and I had moved on, but that's all it was, an act. Now, Trowa and Quatre are finally tying the knot and everyone is attending. Everyone except HIM. And I'll be there, alone, except in my dreams. Or will I?

Rating: NC-17

Warning Codes: Angst,anal,m/m,waff,yaoi,h/c,WIP,

Pairings: 1x2

 

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Acting As If… (A Passion Play in Five Acts)

 

Act I

 

He walked back into my life in much the same way as he had walked out of it. Quietly and without a word.

 

Needless to say, when he disappeared, I was quite devastated. I thought we had come to mean a lot to each other during the war, the least of it being friends. And the times that we had offered each other comfort and relief from the stresses of our day to day existence, I had thought we had become closer then just friends. I had offered my body, my heart and my soul to him, and he took it willingly, seemingly grateful for the physical contact and the emotional support I gave him. I was his touchstone for reality he told me on more then one occasion. I was what kept him sane in this myriad of insanity. And I found myself falling deeply in love with him. I thought he had begun to learn how to reciprocate those feelings. Certainly, his kisses began to change, becoming warm and tender. Sex became less frenzied, more like lovemaking then just the physical release of needs on a handy body. I never saw him approach anyone else, or except offers from anyone else and he constantly ran from the pink princess, Relena, when ever he spotted her heading his way. I was his only bed partner, ever, that I know.

 

So, what went wrong? I don't know and I couldn't ask him, because he left me without a word. I never even saw it coming.

 

Actually, devastated doesn't even come close to describing how I felt. Shock, anger, despair, self-doubt, anguish, self-loathing and finally the loss of my will to survive. I had lost too many people that I had loved to death. To have the one person that I thought loved me walk away from me without a word, without a second glance, robbed me of my desire to live. It was only thanks to Quatre's spaceheart that he knew of my despair and saved me from my own folly as I sought to self-destruct that day.

 

Let me tell you, pills are not the way to go if you want to end it all. Having your stomach pumped is not something I would highly recommend. It leaves a whole lot to be desired. I'd rather have a gunshot wound. In fact, a quick shot to the brain pan is the way to go, literally, if you're serious about it. Quick and no one can stop you if you really have your heart set on leaving this life. Even the slashes to my wrists, down the street, not across as the saying goes, couldn't hurry the progress enough to save me from Quate.

 

But then, I guess I really did want someone to stop me, or I would have used my gun, after all. It was right there, under my pillow where I always had it close to hand. So, yeah, I was crying out for help, without saying it in so many words.

 

And help me they did, Quate, Trowa, 'Fei and Hilde. They saved me from myself and kept me existing.

 

But existence is bleak, especially when your every walking moment is plagued by self-doubt and second guessing, and your sleep is haunted by a ghost with midnight blue eyes staring at you.

 

Quate took me home with him and Trowa and I stayed for several months, just going through the motions, really. 'Fei stayed for a couple of months, sleeping in the same room with me, holding me at night when my screams would tear me crying from my nightmares. We were never intimate, but he offered me the close, physical contact I needed when I needed it, holding me and loving me unconditionally. I guess he is the one who ultimately kept me from going insane.

 

When I was finally able to face the world on my own without shattering into a million pieces at the drop of a hat, he left me, too.

 

But he kissed me, and told me goodbye, saying that if I ever needed him for any reason, no matter what, no matter when, to call and he would be there. He was going home to Sally. They had come to an understanding during the war, and she was willing to wait while he took the time he needed to sort me out. For all of our fighting, he really did care. I think that was the biggest thing that got me back on my feet and living as much as I could with the pain of my having been deserted. That he cared.

 

So I promised him I would try to get better and that I wouldn't try to self-destruct again, that I would call him if I need someone to talk to. The kiss he left me with was probably one of the sweetest ones that I have ever gotten. I wonder if Sally knows just what a great guy he really is, and just how lucky she is to have him? I think I could almost be jealous of her.

 

After several months with Quatre and Trowa, I heard from Hilde. She had started a scrap business on L2 and offered me a place there. I felt I was about to outstay my welcome with Quate and Trowa, so I thanked them for all they had done for me and moved to L2 to stay with Hilde.

 

She was great, never pressuring me, never asking me for something she knew I couldn't give her, she was happy to just be my friend. She could even get me to smile once in a while, but the pain was never far from my heart. Did he ever realize just how big of a hole he'd left in my chest? I had no heart for anything, because my heart was somewhere far, far away, in the hands of Heero Yuy.

 

The years passed and everybody seemed to be moving on with their lives. Everybody but me. I just couldn't move on. Every fiber of my being screamed to me that one day, one day, he'd come back for me, even thought my mind told me I was being stupid, that he wasn't coming back for me, to grow up and get over it. My foolish heart still belonged to him and only him.

 

~*~

 

“Hey, Duo, you got a letter from Quatre,” Hilde called out as I came in for lunch.

 

She held out an ornate envelope, a twin to the one she had addressed to her. I took it, curiosity piqued. Probably some party or something. Quate loved to entertain and quite lavishly. I was always getting invitations for extended visits, but with work at the yard so hectic, I rarely had the time to go.

 

“Hey, it's a wedding invitation,” she exclaimed.

 

“Guess they finally decided to do it,” I agreed, smiling a bit. A folded piece of paper slipped out of my invitation. A grin crossed my face when I read it. “He wants me to be his best man, Hilde. Guess I can't say no to that. Wow. I'll need to go get fitted for a tux.”

 

“Duo, that's wonderful. You two were always so close,” Hilde smiled at my sudden happiness.

 

Then the darkness descended again, hard. HE wouldn't be there with me. I'd be alone. I closed my eyes to the sudden tears and turned blindly to fumble at the sink for some water to hide my emotional breakdown. But she saw through me. And, bless her heart, she left me alone, didn't question me or try to comfort me with platitudes. A couple of deep breaths and I was in control of myself again.

 

“So, boss, I'm gonna need a week or so off,” I said brightly. A little too brightly.

 

“Of course. We'll shut down completely, because I think I'll take an extended holiday myself,” Hilde agreed at once.

 

~*~

 

The wedding was two months away so I had plenty of time to get myself ready for it, but the time seemed to pass too quickly. Before I knew it, it was the night before we were due to leave. I packed my clothes and at the last minute decided to include my most treasured mementos: a photo of me and `Scythe, one of me and Heero, gazing into each others eyes like we were in love, and a couple of small trinkets that Heero had given me, tokens from some successful missions we had completed. Silly things, but I loved them because they'd come from Heero. He knew how I loved to collect little things. But of all the of the junk that I had accumulated throughout the war, the only things I'd kept were the things he'd given me. Lovesick bastard still, wasn't I?

 

The shuttle flight from L2 to earth was uneventful and quiet as I pretended to sleep, not able to face Hilde's excited chattering. I “woke up” just before we landed, acting as if I was ready to take on the world.

 

`Acting as if.' I found myself doing a lot of that since Heero left me. `Acting as if' it didn't hurt as much as it really did. `Acting as if' I had gotten over him, when in fact I was even more in love with him then ever. `Acting as if' it didn't matter to me any more, when it was still the single most dreadful thing that had ever happened to me. `Acting as if' my heart wasn't still shattered in a million pieces, like glass carelessly strewn across a floor. But it was getting so hard to keep acting as if none of it really mattered, when I knew that he was the only thing that had made the war tolerable, made my life worth living, kept me going from day to day. I was so tired of `acting as if'. I couldn't care about anything else, when HE was all I did care about. How much longer could I keep up this act?

 

And what about my promise to 'Fei?

 

Well, this is supposed to be a happy occasion, so I'd better start `acting as if' it is.

 

Quatre and Trowa came to meet us at the shuttleport, and there were hugs and kisses all around, and I had a grin on my face that wouldn't quit. It isn't so hard to act happy when I haven't seen them for so long. It's only after being around them for an extended amount of time that their loving togetherness starts to wear on me and I find it harder to act happy.

 

Still, Quate shot me a sharp look.

 

“Alright, then, Duo?” he asked.

 

“Hey, great,” I replied. “Never better, you know. Thanks for asking me to be your best man. That's quite an honor.”

 

“There's no one else I'd rather have,” he replied, smiling into my eyes sweetly.

 

God, how I love that little blonde bombshell. He is so much like a little brother to me. I hugged him hard, a few tears escaping before I could contain myself once more. I just wanted to sit and cry and tell him everything that was in my heart at the moment, but the shuttleport wasn't a good place to have a nervous breakdown, so I pulled myself together and started to `act as if' I was the happiest person in the world for him. And I truly want to believe that I was. I really wanted to be happy for them. They deserved all of the happiness they could get from each other after everything we'd been through. I'm glad that they found each other, and that their love had held strong.

 

It isn't their fault that I'm a dysfunctional gutter-rat from L2 that had the bad luck to fall in love with the perfect soldier, Heero-fucking-Yuy, who has the emotional capabilities of a rock, and who had ditched me as soon as he no longer needed me. Hell, I would have ditched me, too. Who in their right mind would want someone like me hanging around their neck? I'm no great prize with all of my emotional baggage that I haul around with me.

 

Oh, no. Quate's shooting me that `look' again, better stop thinking like that. Damn his spaceheart anyway.

 

We left the space port and drove for about an hour before we reached the house. House, hell. A twenty bedroom mansion is not a house to ordinary people, but to the Winner's, it's one of their smaller homes. They thoughtfully put me on the second floor, in a suite of rooms with a small balcony overlooking a peaceful garden, and at the far end of the house away from all of the other guests. I guess Quate figured I wouldn't really be in all that much of a festive mood. Despite everything, Quate knows I'm still carrying a torch big enough to light a small city. Or maybe somebody knew something that none of the rest of us knew. No one will ever know the answer to that, I suppose. Anyway, I was alone and it was peaceful and I didn't have to join in all the merry making if I didn't want to. Quate won't let anyone push me around. I love him even more for that.

 

WuFei and Sally arrived in the evening and `Fei came to see me. He held me and I cried for the first time since he kissed me goodbye. Oh, God, how I missed my Heero. This was the first time I hadn't had to `act as if' for such a long time. It felt so good. When I finally cried myself out, WuFei took me down and I spent a nice evening with him and Sally and Quate and Trowa and Hilde and Relena, who had already been there for a day. Everyone seemed genuinely happy to see me and I felt like this was the first time I wasn't really `acting as if' I was happy. I really was happy. `Fei held my hand most of the evening and even walked me to my room at the end of the night. Thank God that Sally's not a jealous woman.

 

“Call me if you need me, Duo,” WuFei said.

 

“And take you away from your wife? No way. She'd think you were two timing her,” I joked.

 

`Fei just laughed and kissed me good night. God, I love him so much, too. All of these people I have that I just love so much, but they can't fill the empty, gaping void left by my perfect soldier.

 

God, I hate you, Yuy.

 

I love you.

 

I think I must be crazy.

 

~*~

 

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