Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ All of Which Makes Me Anxious ❯ Prologue

All of Which Makes me Anxious, at Times Unbearably so

By Duobat
Comments: - Thanks Gorrilaz for the title from the song 'Double Bass' because it's slow, thought provoking and good music to write to. And thanks to the Clan for telling me that I'm good at writing, especially Cat and Li- chan.

Warnings: - Faint yaoi implementations. Kind of deep and difficult to understand in some parts but it is all explained in detail, hardly any swearing. Serious angst.

All of Which Makes me Anxious, at Times Unbearably so.

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Sometimes love is sour; an apple hanging from a tree, deceitful and cursed it leaves my soul in grief.

Sometimes it is kind, a compassionate light that warms my soul and gives it the strength that I need.

Other times it is joyful, like the song from the sweet lips of a loved one, they carry my soul on winds of hope.

I know what love is.

It is a pathos that awakens my heart and heals my soul in times of sorrow.

It is a ray that warms my heart and soul to strengthen them in turn.

It is the fair words whispered and spread in a breath of faith that flows through my heart and into my soul.

Love is my grief, my strength, and my hope.

How does a man know he has a heart if he has never felt it twist in grief?

He has no heart if he has no strength.

He has no strength if he has no hope.

Hope will bear my soul on strong wings of grief to love.

I know what love is.

Love is truth.

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I choose to start writing with a poem that Duo wrote, I don't know why. He may not look like much of a poet but words flow from him like the calm river I look down onto now. The river reminds me of him, swift moving but slow in appearance. He would often force me to walk with him when he fancied the idea of coming here and often it would be. Duo taught me to appreciate things like this as he taught me many things. How pleasant a cool breeze is on a day much like this one, a drawing he had spent hours preparing for me and me only, tears shed in the pain of sorrow or the joy of laughter. It is Duo who taught me how precious life is, and he taught it to me the hard way through his life and death.

I lost Duo three years ago to the day now. We are both twenty-nine now so that would have made me twenty-six. It seems such a long time ago. Why I choose to write this I don't really know because it is not exactly something I can ever forget. Looking at him now fills my heart with the grief, strength and hope that I felt then, but I will never feel it in my soul as Duo's words so beautifully tell. I cannot because I have no longer my own soul. In that case you can never call me a man. A man would never be as foolish as I was. But maybe he would be as grateful when my foolishness was forgiven and he returned to me. I will never be as foolish again as to lose him because he can't leave me and I am forever in debt for it.

I would often joke with him during the war; " You must have cut a deal with Death to have made it through that one." And often he would smirk at the comment but never once did he laugh. I never understood why but I found out. Three years, and seven hours ago, almost to the minute of me writing this.

I remember holding the book in my hand as my tears flowed uncontrollably with no one to ask me why I was shedding them. There were drops of blood mixed with the blotted ink, I know where it came from but I will not write about that at the moment. That comes much later on. The book was one of many that were in his room but this one was different. Naturally, because he is an artist his desk was a mess but it was now tidy and an envelope with my name and a date on which it was to be opened upon had been placed neatly on the middle of it. It was dated for the next day so I respected his wishes and left it alone. A key sat next to it when I first went into his room. I took the key first. I knew what it would unlock. I thought it strange that he had left the key on his desk for it never left his pocket, except when he used it to open the cupboard part of his desk. It was always locked and I had never given any thought as to what he kept in it but curiosity took hold of me and I slipped it into the lock. It was as if he wanted me to look at what he had kept so secret for the longest time.

There were four books stacked neatly in the middle of the cupboard; they were his best, leather bound in all different colours. I sat on the floor, hoping that Duo wouldn't walk through the door any moment and see what I was doing for I had a great feeling of unease as I picked the first book up. I soon found out why.

Opening the first page I saw that he had sketched a picture of a church in ruins with a dark figure standing in the middle. It was a good picture but it unnerved me, the person was shaded so black that he could barely be seen against the black background. I dropped the book in fright; yes, Heero Yuy was scared. Why was I scared? The figure standing in the ruins was me. I picked it back up and turned the page, afraid to look at the drawing. It was a diary, well, not so much a diary as it was a book of memories as the first entry was details of when he was seven.

I remember hearing of the Maxwell Church massacre when I was that age but it had never occurred to me that that was where Duo had stayed until he had told me several years later. He had been the only survivor. I understood then why Duo never laughed (and he still doesn't) when I suggest that he cut a deal with Death. He wrote in his aesthetic script about the first time Death appeared infront of him. I shuddered to think of how many other times Death had chosen to torment him. I was to find out.

He had been too late to save the people in the church and it stood in ruins. He wrote of how it hurt him to watch his 'guardian', Sister Mary die infront of him. It was then, he stated, that he lost the little faith in God that he had. He wrote that almost seconds later he felt someone touch his shoulder and he stood up to face them. I cannot even begin to imagine how Duo must have felt when he saw who had beckoned him up from what had been his life.

Here, he wrote speech as close to what he had said at the time, if not his exact words. " What the Hell do you want?"

The figure laughed. " Not that. Been there. Shinigami, Death if you will."

Here I became confused. My idea of death was what everyone else's is; black hood, skeletal hands, scythe. But Duo's description was very different. Blue eyes; short dark brown hair, strong build, young. I recognised the description. It was me. I became scared again, I didn't understand. Did I want to? It was then than the two little voices in my head start to argue with one another, causing me to shake heavily. I read on for the fear of never knowing.

" I thought you would be pleased to see me…" drawled Death, or was it me? I have never asked Duo about it and I don't think he would ever tell me if I did.

" You aren't Death." Argued the child, for that is all he was, a child and still he would argue with Death. Foolish, but brave.

" How can you be so sure? I am Death. Just because I've changed my appearance doesn't mean I've changed my title, or my power."

He wrote of the anger that he felt as the blue eyes, not at all like mine but a rather cheap imitation darkened until they were almost black as if He was giving Duo an insight for a second at the emptiness inside of Him. Typical Duo, he stared right back, undeterred.

" Then why do you look like that?"

" I choose which form I take. I choose, not you. That is why I have chosen to take the form of the person who will eventually destroy you."

Duo cried then. He cried because he feared the future after it had just been destroyed. The Church would have been his future and now it was gone, at the will of the figure that stood before him.

Death smirked. Death smirked because he could see the future; he had seen the mistakes that I would make and how they would come to hurt the one he stood before at that moment. But Death had only seen so far into the future and He thought he had seen it all.

I turned the page to be greeted by another sorrowful picture. This time it was an ink sketch of himself in black. His clothes were different though, he still wore his typical top but it was not in black. It was in red. Now it was my turn to cry. I thought my childhood had been bad but I had not had to cope with an evil deity, especially one with a bad sense of humour. Underneath the picture was a phrase that I have never heard before, one of Duo's that he never spoke, perhaps scared to incase it came to haunt him. ' Death is never early. Nor is He ever late. He comes precisely when it so desires Him to.'

" You are angry at me for what I have done here but think yourself lucky, I spared you."

Duo felt the anger rise inside him. " You spare no one. Why me?"

He explained in his text that at the time he never fully understood why Death spared him.

" You want revenge for what happened?"

" Nobody deserves what you just done. If I wanted revenge then I should take it out on you."

Death laughed again. " You probably do but it was not I who ended the lives of these people, I merely took them."

" Same difference!"

" Not so. I did not stop them breathing, although I could have if I wanted to. It was man who ceased them to be. Take revenge on man, not me."

How easy it is to manipulate a child, especially one whose world has just fallen from under his feet. Death knew this and used Duo's anger and pain to his advantage. Duo let his anger blind him, the only time in his life he ever did (but I can forgive him as he has forgiven me) and he agreed with Death's proposition. Death would use him as a puppet for his deeds.

" The war will not disappear but instead will get stronger. I shall be kept busy for some time but you could help me. If you destroy those who did this then I guarantee that I will not let harm come to anyone you care about for the next eight years. But I will only save one, no more. I'm not that generous. And I will not save you either. You have to survive by yourself and if you don't then I claim your loved one as a price."

" An assassin."

" A big word for such a small child to use. I doubt you even understand what it means."

" I have to kill on your behalf. I don't trust you, I feel like I will never have another person to care about."

There was evidence on the page that Duo had been crying as he wrote this. I know why because he wrote about his selfishness and stupidity at dealing with Death. He was to kill those who had killed his loved ones in return for the security of another loved one. 'Selfish' was his exact words on the delicate paper. 'Selfish and wrong. A mistake.'

I read on. It hurt. But it could never hurt me as much as it hurt Duo. I read how he kept his end of the bargain as the war deepened and Operation Meteor started. The book came to an end and I stopped reading and looked at the clock. It was one in the afternoon. Duo wouldn't be back from work for a good four hours yet. I started reading again but this time I picked up the second book.

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I remember the first time Duo brought me up here. It was summer; a warm breeze blew through the leaves in the tree about six years ago when we first looked down at the river with the bay in the distance. He likes that tree. He taught me to like that tree. Why do we like it so much? We stood silently listening to the leaves rustling melodically. It sounded beautiful, like a song. Duo told me what he thought of the wind. He said it calmed him because silence is worthless in comparison to the sound of the wind singing. I believe that the wind does sing. Not always a happy song, sometimes full of hurt but most times contented. It helps to hear the wind sigh and whistle. Duo told me that. It reminds you that you are never alone, that there is always someone to sing your songs to and they will always listen.

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Like the first, there was a picture in the inside cover but this time it was a lighter one, happier at first appearances. I was wrong. I recognised the characters. There were five of them, us, but Duo was not in it. It showed a place similar to the one I am at just now (though not as alluring). Quatre stood at the left, next to him was Trowa. Then it was Wufei and I was standing at the far right. I remember smirking at the image; Duo had given me the familiar spandex shorts and green vest that I wore all through the war. Next to me stood another version of myself and I also recognised it. It was Death. I turned the page. Written in the middle of the paper in was another one of Duo's unspoken proverbs. ' He may one save but He will never take them all.' I didn't know what it meant. Death had been very specific. He would only save one.

I looked at the date on the first entry. It was a couple of days after I had first met Duo. The first thing that struck me was the words he used to describe me. " I met Death again, the second time in my miserable existence. He seemed different though, not as 'deathly' as he did the first time. Apart from the fact I almost died trying to save him (and I still don't know why I did, he is the guy that's gonna kill me after all.) and that he must be some kind of android or something as no normal person could jump out a thirty story building and live, except for a broken leg that they just crack back into place and then walk away. I won't kill him at any rate. He seems more likely to kill himself. I will keep my side of the bargain, I won't kill anyone who doesn't deserve to be."

There was little written in the time between that event and my self- destruction. There were many drawings though, most of myself, (I was always shaded in very dark. It hurt me to think that Duo feared me as his death and I cried softly, careful not to ruin any of the beautiful yet disturbing pictures.) but others of our friends. I know that he cherishes them and would sacrifice everything for them. One picture stood out from the others. It was of my self-destruction. I shall never forget it. It showed me lying on the ground with a familiar and by now infuriating dark character standing over me. Death. But Death could not reach me for Duo was kneeling beside me with his back to the fierce deity. I couldn't understand.

As I read on it became clearer. Death had paid another visit to Duo on that day, this time with a new proposition. He wrote how he cried openly as Death appeared to him in my form again. Death had done it deliberately, hoping that He would be able to throw salt in his eyes again. He had not bargained on Duo being so difficult.

" You cheated me. A year is not up yet."

" I don't cheat. You made that promise when you were seven years, and indeed you kept your half but I did not guarantee the safety of a loved one from a year based from the first of January to the thirty-first of December. I promised seven years from the day you made that contract with me, and the contract ran out twenty-three days ago."

" That's not fair! You never told me that!"

" You never asked. Besides, you never stated which person you wished to save. I know who you hold dear, as far as I am concerned they are all fair game."

Duo thought about lashing out at Death but thought better of it, so he wrote. The anger of being cheated hurt him so much it was painful to hold it back, even more painful than the anger its self.

" So do you want to save Heero Yuy or not?"

Duo did not hesitate, his exact words being 'I didn't hesitate for a second.'

He was destroying his soul. For me.

" Yes! I'll do anything." He wrote in an unusually shaky hand.

" You've done a good job up until now and you have had your revenge, at a price. If you want to save your friend then you will have to do exactly as I say."

He produced a contract and a pen from nowhere.

" I will not claim the life of Heero Yuy as long as you, carry out a few 'errands' for me. As I said before I am a busy person, people who need their souls ripped out, visions to appear in. All I want you to do is finish some business of mine. But if anything happens to you then I'm bringing Yuy along too."

" Done, but I am writing the contract and I'll use my own pen."

Listed in the book I was reading were the conditions on which my life was to be bought on. My soul was forbidden to fall into the possession of Death, neither was I to be maimed or left immobile in any way. Duo is good with words. He is no fool and Death begun to tire of his stubbornness. I would not call it stubbornness, more like persistence. It stated this was a life contract.

Death shook his head.

" I'll give you until he is twenty one, and think yourself lucky that you're getting six years off of me."

Duo agreed reluctantly.

" Time is nothing to me, I can easily wait another six years."

Death disappeared.

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Duo is a marvellous poet and a gifted artist. He lets me read some of his work, not all of it mind. He has little time for his personal projects as he is a full time artist and illustrator but he still surprises me now and again with a short prose or verse that he has thought up especially for me. I am not as gifted at writing and drawing as he is, words don't flow as smoothly off of the paper when they are written from my hand. I am better at the sciences and math, as much as I detest them.

He still keeps books in that cupboard but now he keeps it open, like my eyes to his kindness. He has nothing to hide now; everything is open.

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The war ended. I was lost. I turned to Duo for support. I knew nothing about life, Duo did, and he could help. I wouldn't have asked for help if I had known what he had already gone through for me. He had chosen me over our other friends, over himself. If I had known that then I would have stopped it, forced him to terminate the contract that bound himself to Death. I remember asking him one day what his fixation with death was as he stormed in the door five years to the day since the last time Death had faced him. I didn't know that at the time. The look of pain in his normally lively eyes will remain with me forever.

" I don't have a fixation with Him, He has a fixation with me."

'He'? Why was he referring to death as 'He'? I had been referring to death in a common sense, the end of life, not the being that brought about the end of life. I decided to leave him alone that night, he needed space, time. I didn't know though, I didn't know he was counting down the time, the time I had left before his pact with the God of Death became invalid and he would have to either renew it or ignore it.

I was living with Duo during that time. He had managed to scrape a contract with a publisher and his name became as famous as my own, though it is not me, it is my name bearers. We lived in an apartment, three bedrooms (Though one was converted into Duo's studio and I didn't often wander in there for fear of ruining some important work). I had my room and he had his, never shared. He would often flirt with me; then again he would flirt with Quatre, Trowa and Wufei in the same way. I dismissed these passes and chose to suppress my hope rather than let it out to build up in fear of having it torn apart. That was the start of it all.

Well, not truly the start of it. It really started when I finally realised that I loved him. I say realised because it was not exactly like I woke up one morning and said to myself 'That's right Heero, you are in love with Duo.' But it wasn't love, it wasn't. It couldn't be because I had no hope. Hope. Duo taught me the meaning of that word. Up until that moment it had only been a word but I knew what it was when I felt it leave my soul. That was the start of it. That was when I started to lose my soul, my heart. I couldn't love Duo, as much as I wanted to my heart, or rather my conscience had forbidden it.

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The third book was different from the others, filled with pictures and drawings, not a word of writing except for one phrase written in red ink at the front. ' I must be going to Heaven for this is living in Hell.' At first I wondered who the people were in the book. I had never seen or met any of them in my life and I don't suppose I ever will. Well, I can't now. They are dead, killed at the hands of Duo. But these were not the faces of the people who he had murdered. They were his own creations, each one representing a person whom he had killed to keep me alive. I counted them. Twenty. That was four a year. I cried again.

The fourth book, the last one, was perhaps the most disturbing. As I expected, it started with a picture of me though this one was so very different from the rest. It was just a plain drawing of me, incredibly lifelike. Written under it was perhaps the strangest phrase of the lot. ' All of Which makes me Anxious, at Times Unbearably so.' I knew straight away what it meant. I had been dreading it, it would drag my hope up again and force it to stand and take what was coming. Duo loved me. I felt part of my strength leave me. Now my soul was ripped in half, hope gone and the other half of my strength quickly fading. I turned the page. It was covered in blood, blotting out the writing. I held it in shock. I cried uncontrollably again. What had Duo done? I looked at the clock. Quarter to six? Duo was late, that was not like him. I decided to put the book back, I did not want to know the price that Duo paid for my life the third time Death came knocking on his door. It was a mistake. I should have read on. I should have asked him to stop for me, but I didn't know what was going to happen. I locked the books away and lifted the envelope, slipping it into my pocket I heard the front door open. I held the key firmly in my hand.

Duo was in a bad mood. It didn't help how I felt. I had quickly washed away all trace of my tears and I kept my back to him. He cast me a friendly smile as he hung his coat up but it quickly faded into a shattered frown. " Sorry I'm late." He said with a sigh. It was not like Duo to sigh in such a fashion. It scared me slightly after everything that I had just learned.

I offered to make him something to eat. He declined and went to his room. I shouldn't have done it. His door was slightly open and I pushed it further. He didn't notice. He was changing his top and I noticed. I noticed two things I wish I never had. He turned upon hearing me gasp lightly. I couldn't help it. He saw me holding the key.

" Heero, you read…"

I said nothing. Tears. Duo cried silently. I felt my strength ebbing and now there was something else. Grief, that was it. I could feel it grab my heart. At least I still had one left. But it was the one I didn't want. I walked up to him and took hold of his hands. I would have taken his wrists but they were scarred, all the way up to his elbows. They were fresh, clean. Deep red gashes that bore deep into him and appeared to cause him great pain. Though it must have been nothing compared to how much his heart must have hurt. They didn't suit him, not against fair skin like his.

I tried to speak, but words failed me.

" Heero. Please don't look at that, you have to understand…"

So I didn't look at them, those mocking scars that had my name all over them. I had done that to him, it was my fault. I noticed the other again. I had momentarily forgotten about it, too caught up in what was happening.

" Where is your crucifix?" I asked him.

It probably sounds strange, but Duo always wore a little silver crucifix. He is by no means religious but I think it meant something different to him, it had a deeper meaning. Perhaps it was something he wore to remind him of what happened; maybe it was to calm his fears of the present. I think he wore it to protect himself from what he had done to himself, from his own death, from me. In all the years that I had known him throughout the war and after it he had never taken it off. I had often seen him as he stood before me now, but now he looked different to me. Scarred with my name and naked without his crucifix.

" Heero. I don't need it anymore, not where I'm going."

What? What was he saying? Where was he going? He had just came home and now he was preparing to leave again. A question, the only question that would enter my dizzy mind rose its self and bit at me. Why?

" I did it because I love you Heero." Was what he said in reply to my silent question.

Just a faint trace of strength was in my soul. Yes, I loved him but no, I couldn't. I told him this, well, at least I told him the second part. I am such a fool. Why didn't I tell him the first, the more important, while I had the chance? I'll tell you why. Its because I'm a not a man. The soul I own does not have my name written on it, the one I used to did, written in blood. Not my blood. Duo's blood.

It hurt so much to hear him say those three little words; evil words at the time. Grief came again for I could feel it tightening its hold on my heart. So it had left my soul, or at least was trying to. I couldn't understand why. I wanted to grieve for Duo, but it felt like something was stopping me. I could not bring myself to cry and my eyes felt dry and empty, a reflection of what I felt like inside.

Duo kissed me then. Not a proper kiss, just a light one on my cheek. I can still feel it now. He gave me what was left of his soul in that kiss, but I didn't know that. Now there were tears. They burned as they fell down my face. And they fell slowly, as if something was taking pleasure in my pain.

I couldn't take being near Duo any longer and I let go of his arms. They dropped to his side and he didn't look up. I turned my back on him. I left the room and went to my own. I wept all night.

I woke reasonably early the next morning, hoping to see Duo before he left for work. However he was gone. There was a note on the kitchen table saying that he had left early. I knew that it was a lie. I promised myself that I wouldn't question him about it when he got home. But he never came home. If only I had read on. Then I would have known. This was the day that he would sign his final contract with Death. But I didn't know so I called in sick to work and waited at home for him all day. It wasn't a lie for I was sick. Sick with worry.

It must have been about eight in the evening when I finally remembered about the envelope that had been sitting on his desk the previous day with my name on it. I had been too worked up to even think about it. It was now sitting through in my room so I got up and went to get it. I remember picking it up and eyeing it with great disgust. I knew that it contained something that I would more than likely not want to hear but I opened it anyway. I had to. It may not be something that I wanted to hear, but it was something the Duo wanted me to hear.

Upon opening it the first thing that fell into my hands was his crucifix. It shone strangely. It was indeed beautiful, I had never seen it as close (as I mentioned, Duo never took it off so I never had had the chance to see it properly). I turned it over in my hand and noticed that there was an inscription engraved into the back, very small but clear once I had squinted my eyes.

' Liberate tuteme ex-empheris' it read.

It stirred an old memory inside of me from classes at school I had paid little attention to and the phrase came drifting back to me. It was Latin, Duo knew Latin? Well he had been brought up in a Catholic Church, it was possible.

'Save yourself from Hell'

So I had been right. He had worn it to protect himself from Death. So why was he not now wearing it? I would wear it. I don't know why I chose to do so and I don't know why I haven't taken it of since. I guess that doesn't really matter anymore. I know what it symbolises, so does he.

I pulled a piece of paper out of the envelope. It had been folded neatly and I toyed with the idea of leaving it that way for sometime before I finally opened it out. It was not a letter as I had been expecting. Instead, it was a drawing. Typical. I looked at it. It took me some time to work out what Duo had been trying to say. He had put a lot of thought into it.

It was once again a picture of me, standing where I am sitting at the moment, under the tree. There was, once again, a picture of Death near me. I noticed the differences between us. I was light, He was dark. I was looking into the distance; He was looking directly out of the picture at whoever was holding it. I had a number eight drawn onto the clothing that I was wearing; He had a number seven. It was not a colourful drawing, it had been done in black ink but the quality of the work was flawless.

As I have already mentioned, Duo is not a religious person but the picture would have been impossible to interpret if I had not paid a tiny bit of attention in RE. Eight: Joy, Love, Peace, Goodness, Kindness, Self-control, Faithfulness and Patience. Seven: Avarice, Wrath, Lust, Envy, Pride, Sloth and Stupidity. I understood what he was saying in the drawing but he was wrong. I do not possess those eight qualities; I'd be lucky if I had three of them.

As I stood with the drawing in my hands I felt like Death was a part of me. I felt all of the seven sins well up inside of me and take hold of the remainder of my soul. I felt the pain as they tore through my heart to get to it and I felt the pain as they ripped it up into three parts and destroy it. I heard Death laugh. I saw Death mock me from an infuriating distance. He was not in my form. He was in Duo's.

" How good it is to see you like this. It's not nice to be on the receiving end of such pain for once, is it?"

I ignored him. He was the last person that I wanted to see. Besides, he was in Duo's form. I didn't want to look at him because I knew that it was not Duo.

" Are you not even slightly interested in why I have come to see you?"

" Not really." I replied. I didn't cry, if I had then it would have been tears of anger and not of sorrow, as Death would have rather enjoyed. " There is nothing you can offer me that will bring Duo back."

Death looked at me in surprise. It sounds funny doesn't it? Death was shocked. And it was me that he was shocked at. I prayed to myself that he wouldn't lose his temper.

" How do you know that he is dead?"

" Thought you would surprise me by turning up here to break the news to me? You are wasting your time taking on his form. A dead person cannot kill me, though it would seem rather appropriate if it were him who did finally end me. I would rather it was him than you."

Death laughed again. Duo had described what Death's laugh sounded like. Before I could only have guessed. To each person it sounds different. To me it sounded hollow and genuine. Genuine you ask? Genuine yes, genuine laughter at a hopeless, weak, empty fool who had nothing to bargain with and nothing to live for. Laughter because he would not take my life. He could not take my life.

" I can't kill you."

" Why not?" I asked disappointed. I wanted to end my life. I had nothing to live for, when Duo died so did I. I wanted to die and take my chances. There was no way that Duo would be able to return to me but I had a chance of returning to him.

" I may be Death and I may be evil, but I am not bad. I never lie or break a promise."

" I don't understand." Well, I didn't.

" Fool. I can't take your life of my own will because Duo has forbidden me to do so, as much as it would pleasure me to own such a sinful soul as yours. Not only that but I can't hurt you in any physical way at all. He certainly had a way with words. He made it all very clear when he sold me his soul in return for yours."

" You cheat. I don't have a soul. Duo took it with him."

" I never cheat. It's not written in my book that your soul became possession of me, only Duo's. How ironic, you make it sound as if you are not grateful for his sacrifice. Infact, you may even say that he just wasted his life if that is the sort of attitude you are going to adopt."

I said nothing. Duo had just wasted his life. He had done it for me and had only forced my suffering to prolong. But I could not be angry with him. I was angry with the being that had forced him to die for me.

" Got nothing to say?" jeered Death. " I don't blame you. Don't you get it? I can't take your life because Duo gave me his in return for yours. I'm surprised that you knew he was dead, it's a shame you never knew it was you who killed him."

I had never felt so empty in my life. " How did you take it?" half of me wanted to know, half of me didn't. The part that did won me over.

" I didn't take it. I told you that. He gave it to me."

" How?" I asked him again, wanting to know for I would not ask him again.

" He took a gun to his head and shot himself. I merely stepped in to take what was left of him."

" When?"

" At eight 'o'clock."

" Where?"

Death smirked coldly. Not at all like the usual, soft warm smile of the person whom he was in the form of. " You will know when you get there."

" Where is he now?"

" That's not my place to say. I am the one who takes the dead to the other place, if they make it that far. I'm not the one who decides where they go, though I do know I'm not telling you."

" Why are you here? Why do you look like that?"

" Fool all the more. Just because Duo is dead doesn't mean that it won't be him that causes you to die. Have you never heard of a man dying of a broken heart?"

Death could not delude me with that one. " Yes, I have, but Duo cannot kill me. I don't feel any grief; in that case I must have no heart because if I did then I would be able to feel it breaking with grief right now. I am not a man either. I don't deny it when you call me a fool. No man is as foolish as I am."

" Indeed you are a fool. Duo died for you and you are too foolish to accept his sacrifice. You lied to him and foolishly turned down his offer of love."

" How do you know what love is?" I asked him angrily. I thought it rather audacious of Him to suggest that I didn't know what love is.

" Do you? I think not. If you did then you would not have turned him down like the fool you are."

Death was right. I did not know what love was, at the time. I do now though, another thing that Duo taught me. I understood when I read his poem many months later when I finally brought myself to tidy out his studio. If I had not lied to him when he told me how he felt then I would have known what love is then. If I had not lied and had told him the truth then I would have realised that that is just what love is; truth. But I had lied and it was too late to try and undo my mistakes. My foolish mistakes.

" Undo his contract. If you want me then bring Duo back, let me have him for a week then you can have us both."

" You have a lot of confidence in him but that is another foolish mistake. How do you know that Duo will want to come back when you have already betrayed him and lied to him? It was you who pulled the trigger and killed him. It was you who gave him to me."

" Then you do lie. You said he gave himself to you."

" Fool!" Death was now starting to lose his composure with me. " He did kill himself, but it was you that made him do so. He knew that it would be you that would ultimately kill him but still he fell in love with you. And never once did you tell him how you felt."

" How I feel!" I shouted at Him.

" It makes no difference now. He will never know because I won't let him and you don't have the courage to say those three little, evil words."

Now I completely lost my temper. They had been my thoughts, my words. How did He know that I had used the word 'evil' in my mind? " You bastard!" I shouted. Death's eyes grew darker, darker than they were already. " I know he still loves me! He loved me enough to serve you for all these years. He loved me even before he met me and he loved me enough to kill himself for me! Who will take your soul when your time comes?!"

Death's features now grew dark. " No one can ever have my soul. I am immortal."

" Nothing is immortal, everything must end. Even you. Are you not scared of what will happen to you when the end does come?"

Red filled the false eyes of Death. " Everything must end?!? Duo has ended, you will end, and his love for you is in question. Don't you dare talk to me about how to end things!"

I played Death along, knowing that there was nothing he could do about it. That is what I planned on doing. For the rest of my life I would torture Death, make him pay for what he had done. I knew that every time I would try and end myself, he would have to come and if it took my fancy to try and kill myself twice a day until I met my end then he would just have to put up with it. I promised myself I would do it. " So he does still love me. You are right, you can't lie."

" Yes, I can't lie but I am not wrong in saying that his love for you is in doubt. There is something you can do that will restore his love, but it will never restore his life. You have seen to that."

" What can I do?" I asked in anticipation.

" I'm not saying, you have to find out for yourself. Anyway, as I said it doesn't matter. It won't bring him back to life. You have nothing to offer me, not even your life. I know when you will die, where you will die and how you will die for I have seen it. I can easily wait that long to claim what's left of you by then. Judging by the state you are in then it won't be very much. There is no deal, you screwed up and you have to live with it. The way I see it I am not to blame. Blame yourself for killing Duo, blame Duo for killing himself and forcing you to live with the guilt, but don't blame me."

Death disappeared, just as Duo had described him.

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The next two and a half years were Hell. I never cried properly for as I said grief had left what was left of my soul so I was unable to cry in sorrow, the only time I ever did was in anger. I was beyond grief. I had abandoned all hope a long time before and I had no strength. I had indeed lost my soul and I didn't care one bit. Why should I have? Duo was gone and as far as I was concerned I would never see him again. And it was my fault for have ever being born.

I found it strange without Duo around. Our friends asked where he had disappeared to and I simply told them that he had moved on to bigger and better things and it was more practical for us to live apart. I never told them what really happened, Death had came to Duo and me. I didn't want to get any of them involved in something that they wouldn't understand. No one else ever asked where he had happened to the famous Duo Maxwell. The day that Death came to me he simply ceased to exist. There were never any letters addressed to him, no one ever called to talk to him, everyone kept their noses to the ground and got on with their lives. I, however, did not. When we would walk down the town centre together it would feel good to see the people that we had given our innocence away to save enjoying themselves and laughing. Now, without Duo it was simply irritating and nothing else.

I eventually read the remainder of the fourth book a couple of months later. The night before I had confronted Duo about his deals with Death and his love for me, he had sat in his studio with a knife and cut himself repeatedly over a hundred times on each arm in an attempt to kill himself. It was not a particularly sharp knife but he had forced the blade so deep into himself that the cuts were fiercer than they would have been with a sharp one. This was the part of the book that I read the most. He wrote how he had made no attempt to stop the bleeding and, as much as it made him feel light headed, he never passed out, much to his disappointment. The words were difficult to read, his shaky script didn't help with the fact that almost every page was soaked in his own blood. Here I learnt about his desperation to kill himself, his latest contract with Death would run out in two days and unless he got rid of himself within that time then I would die. That was when he had got his idea for shooting himself through the head.

' This time I won't fail.' He wrote. ' I will die this time. At least then I'll be happy.' This was his last entry: ' Aishiteru Heero'. I ripped that page out.

I kept to my plan as I had promised. I tried everything. I would go to slash my wrists but never find anything to use, and Death would appear and scorn my foolishness. I would slam a clip into the hand rifle and it would slip, and Death would appear and laugh at my foolishness. I would go to take one pill too many but there would always be two too less, and Death would appear and shout impatiently at my foolishness. He always came in Duo's form as if He were trying to cause me more hurt but it only made more determined to kill myself. I never spoke to him, except for one time but I would stare coldly, my eyes as empty as His own. Eventually I got used to seeing Him. I would call Him at least once a week, sometimes as many as four times a day and he had to come every time. Once He grew bitterly angry with me and went for me but stopped at the last second, remembering His contract with Duo. I laughed at him; I could see how angry I was making him. It was then that I spoke to him.

" You could just take me now. I will regain my soul and make it a lot easier on us both if you agree to my condition." I restated my original bargain and as I had expected, He declined

" No deal. Stop clinging onto that faint hope you have because it will never happen." He said.

I laughed at him again. Hope? It wasn't hope I was acting upon. It was vicious anger. He disappeared until I next called him, which was not very long.

It was a year later since the day that Death had first came to visit me that I found the poem that I have used at the start of my writing. I was clearing out Duo's studio as I had little else to do on my day off of work. I knew before I started it that I would find things that would bring back many memories, most of them bad. The poem is the one good thing that I found that day, tucked away at the bottom of a stack of ancient papers. I found it funny that such a good thing was kept hidden away, buried under the weight of badness.

I cried when I read it, though it was not with grief. Anger was inside me again but it was not at Duo. It was at myself. As I read the last line, I felt like tearing it up and forgetting about it but I could not bring myself to do so. This was after all, one of Duo's finest works and it had been written a long time ago from when I found it. The last line burned my eyes with the tears of regret. I had killed Duo. I had lied to him and held the gun to his head. I had betrayed him. After all that he had done for me I had stabbed him in the back (well almost, just replace the knife with a gun and put it in the literal sense.). Still no tears of sorrow came but tears of anger and regret were uncontrollable. I kept the poem and I still have it. He has never asked where it went. I think I know why. I think he wrote it for me.

I would often wake up in the middle of the night because of one of the many bad dreams I would have. And there were many. I would see Duo holding the gun to himself and pulling the trigger. I would be there but I could never reach him. I would see Death, in the form of myself bargaining with Duo while I would be there and as much as I would try to persuade him to ignore Death, I would watch helplessly as he sold himself to pay for me. I would see him sitting in his studio holding the blade that he used to cut himself with and once again I would be standing near him but once again I couldn't help. They were not the worst dreams though. Not by far. The worst was always the one where I would feel Duo's lips on mine and I would run my fingers through his hair while he would whisper those three, evil little words to me. Then I would wake up and be back in reality, the real nightmare. I hated waking up from those dreams. One, because it was the only time I would ever see him without pain in his eyes and two, because I would wake up to him lying beside me only to discover that it was a ghost in my mind and that he would never lie beside me because I would not return his love.

I remember Death telling me that I would know when I got to the place where I had killed him. I remember finding out. It didn't hurt, that is why I can sit here now without any feeling of discontent, I was beyond hurt. All I could feel was anger. I felt angry when I came up here for the first time since he had died. I didn't know exactly where he had been when he pulled the trigger but I know that it was here that he did it, looking down at the river and the bay beyond underneath his beloved tree. It seemed fitting that he should have done it here. It seemed less than fitting that I was standing here without him.

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The wind is singing just now. It is a happy song, gentle it sounds. There are a couple of hours left before the sun goes down. Sunsets are beautiful up here. Duo knows that too, I still get home from work and he will be standing in the middle of our room holding my coat.

" Hurry up and get changed." He says every time. " There is only a couple of hours left before the sun goes down."

And then we will come up here and listen to the songs in the wind and watch the warm sun dip over the bay. The sunsets remind me of Duo's paintings; they arc across the sky, starting with a deep (but not unpleasant) blue through every colour from purple to pink to yellow. Duo gave me a painting once of one such sunset. It was different from his usual cartoon style, very realistic. Only Duo could capture something as beautiful as a sunset.

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I would never sit at Duo's place at the kitchen table, I would never use one of his pens to write with, and I wouldn't even read any of his books (except for the four that he had wanted me to. I would read them often in almost religious fashion as he had left the cupboard unlocked and I could not find the key to close it back up.). As far as I was concerned they were still Duo's and they would remain his until I wasn't there anymore to keep them. I often thought about destroying everything that had been his, including the four books that he had literally given his life to. I didn't though; I didn't even move apartment.

Everything that had been Duo's was filled with memories, bad memories that I wanted to forget. But then again I didn't want to forget them. Even if they were bad memories they were the only ones that I had left and I chose to cherish them rather than cast them away. There was no hope in what I was doing, only narcissism. He was never coming back from where ever it was that he had went (I didn't know where he had went as Death had refused to tell me and when I asked Duo, I only asked him the once, he never told me. He ignored me and went on talking about his latest deadline.) But leaving everything the way it was helped me. That way he would still exist even if he weren't really there.

So that was the way in which I existed for the next year and a half. I say existed rather than lived because I never really lived. It was more of an existence, a miserable one at that. Full of arguments with myself over what I could have done and what I was doing and what I was going to do. Death still came when I called Him. It was as if He became a slave to me, to my selfishness and anger. He would still get angry with me though, said I was keeping Him from His work. Then I would laugh and He would fill with anger before disappearing. Still He always came in Duo's form in hope of causing me to grieve so that I could regain part of my soul and He could take it when my time came. Perhaps that's why He was always so frustrated with me. He had seen where, when and how I was to die but He could do nothing about it if I didn't have any soul to give Him. That always made me laugh.

Death could never have been as angry as me though. I longed to cut deep into my arms and feel the pain that Duo had went through, to hold the gun to my head and end myself the way that Duo had done. I had felt some of the pain that he had went through though. My heart had twisted until it had broken but that had been so long ago that I had forgotten what pain like that felt like. I still felt pain but it was different, it was the pain of guilt. I was bitterly angry with myself for being unable to die. That was the one and only time that I ever felt angry with Duo. It was his fault that I couldn't die, which was the one thing that I wanted more than anything else at the time, even more than to see Duo again. I quickly dismissed these thoughts as wrong. It wasn't Duo's fault, it was mine because if it hadn't been for me and my foolishness and lies then he would never have signed that final contract with Death.

Six months ago things changed. It was on one of those mornings where I had just woken up from one of those terrible dreams where Duo had just spoken the three evil words to me and I had sat up in alarm only to realise that he wasn't lying beside me with his arms wrapped around my body. I cried again. That was the way that I would start most mornings, it didn't feel right if I didn't have a little cry to myself when I had just woken up. I picked up my book that sat beside my bed and started to scribble aimlessly in it. I had lately taken to writing down my thoughts into a little blank book. It didn't contain solely writing though; I kept many photos in it. Every one of them had Duo in it somewhere; most of them were of either himself or him and our friends. He smiled in all of them, his genuine smile.

I had written it down without realising it. I had written it down because they were true. I cried even heavier when I looked down. My tears mixed with the ink and turned it a horrid grey but I could still read the three little evil words that I had written on the page. I wished that my tears had erased them from it. I didn't want to see them, not now.

' I love you' it said.

I slammed the book in denial, afraid that if I looked at it for a second longer then I would tear the page out in anger. But I opened it again and read it over. Then I spoke them out loud. For the first time in my life I had openly admitted that I loved Duo, I couldn't stop myself from saying it. I had often wondered what he would have been like in bed but that was not why I loved him. It was because of the person that he was and for the sacrifices he had made on my behalf. It was for the faith and love that he had for me. I felt even worse after I had realised this and I forced my self out of bed to get ready for work.

That entire day dragged. It was most definitely the longest day of my life, even longer than the day that I had lost Duo. I decided to come up here that evening. It was early summer and new leaves were out on the tree. I stood where I am sitting now, holding the crucifix that was round my neck. I felt like pulling it off and discarding it. Save myself from Hell? How was I meant to save myself from Hell when I was already living there? I cried again, but they were tears of grief. I tried to stop myself; the shock of experiencing grief after such a long time without doing so scared me. I couldn't understand why I was feeling so sorrowful. I understood later though. It was my soul returning, though it was not mine.

I woke up the next morning after weeping all night. I can't see anything wrong with boy's crying I pity the boy who doesn't. It had been one of those nights where Duo had came to haunt me and I had foolishly allowed him to. That morning was the last time that I saw Death. But for the first time I saw Him in my own form. He ignored me and I was glad of it. I didn't want Him playing another one of His tasteless tricks on me. I saw whom He was arguing with. It confused me. At first I had thought that the version of me that I was seeing was Death, but the person that He was arguing with was in Duo's form. Was there two Deaths'? I closed my eyes, certain that this was indeed another cruel trick.

I left work early that day, told them that I felt sick and that if I didn't sit down then I would fall down. The first thing I did when I got home was go into Duo's studio. I had never touched the sheet that he had been working on when he had disappeared and I picked it up. It was the cover art for the latest volume of his manga and it showed two characters that reminded me of us laughing in what looked like Hell. Duo had always had a dark imagination, that was what gave him such an artistic skill. I went to bed early with nothing else to do. Another sleepless night filled with ghosts from my mind awaited me so I turned in, letting them haunt me for longer than I normally would.

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The next morning was indeed very different from the others. As usual I woke from my dream in trepidation, but now there was no ghost in my mind or infront of my eyes. I sighed in relief, hoping that it symbolised the end of my torture. Hope I say because that's what it was, I had regained my hope. Or at least a little of it. I felt strength in me, I wanted to get up and move on. I actually enjoyed my work that day, for what reason I don't know and I came home with a smile on my face. That must have been the only day since I had lost Duo that I did not cry. I had not forgotten about him though, I had accepted what had happened and chose to enjoy the life that he had bought for me.

I was at home, reading my mail. I almost died of fright when I picked up the letter that was addressed to him. I didn't open it but instead sat it to one side. It was not my letter to open, it was Duo's and the same way that I never sat at his place or used his pen I respected it as his property. The phone rang. I reluctantly answered it. It was someone who was asking to speak to Duo. I slammed the receiver down. I was now beginning to get scared. There was a knock at the door. I ignored it.

The door sounded again. This time I answered it. Special delivery mail for me? I signed for it and took the letter. It was from Quatre I discovered upon opening it, an invitation for Duo and me to go round to his the next weekend and that he would be round to see us early the next morning as he would be in the area. I ripped it up. I would go yes, but Duo would not. I had explained to Quatre, Trowa and Wufei that he wasn't living with me anymore so why was I getting mail and calls and invites for him? I went to bed early again that night and dozed lightly for hours.

I don't know how long I slept for when I suddenly woke up. Quatre must have arrived earlier than he had intended, I suspected, and had let himself in because I could hear someone in the kitchen. I stayed where I was. It was only Quatre and I didn't mind if he came in uninvited. It was my own fault for not locking the front door. I went back to my light sleep. It felt like I had slept for hours when I woke up again. How had Quatre got in my room? He knew perfectly well that I hate being woken from sleep, so I thought.

I sat up quickly. It was early morning and there was little light in my room. I could barely make the outline of someone. I told Quatre to piss off and wake me later on. I received no reply. It crossed my mind that this was Death playing a trick on me. I cursed again and turned round, ignoring them. But it was neither Quatre nor a trick from Death.

I cursed another time as the light came on. It hurt my eyes and I threw the blanket over my head while vividly voicing my discomfort. Then the covers were torn away from me and I turned to teach Quatre that he should have paid heed to my warnings. But it was not Quatre that I grabbed. It was Duo.

I instantly dropped his arms. He was laughing merrily, how I had missed that laugh. He took hold of my hands and I tried to pull away, certain that it was my imagination playing cruel tricks with me but he would not let them go. I turned his arms round expecting to see those taunting scars but there was no evidence that Duo had ever taken a blade to himself. He was wearing what I had last seen him in, a pair of light blue jeans and no top. He smirked and commented about how pathetic I looked in the black boxers I was barely clad in.

" I don't understand." I said.

Duo laughed again. He said that it didn't take much to explain. But I still didn't understand. Duo was dead. How could he be standing holding my hands, laughing at me? I told him this.

" Some faith you have in me." He smirked. " I was never dead."

I thought about hitting him. It must have been Death. No one else could have been so cruel as to put me through such Hell other than Him.

" I never died, He never took my soul. I tricked Him and there's nothing he can do about it now."

I still didn't understand.

" Death came and claimed what he thought was my soul, but He was too full of His own pride and greed to realise that it wasn't my soul that He was taking, it was yours."

Now I was seriously confused.

" I can't die until you let me. I can't give my own soul to anyone because I don't own it anymore." He explained. " You have had it this whole time."

I asked him why I hadn't known.

" Because you couldn't realise until you finally admitted that you loved me. Believe me, it hurt me just as it hurt you all the times you tried to kill yourself. The reason that you couldn't feel grief was because I was feeling it instead of you. And you did have hope and strength, it's just that you couldn't feel them. That's why you could only feel anger, because that's what I was feeling. I have your soul and you have mine, mind you there wasn't a Hell of a lot of it left when I took it. You have felt empty this whole time but you never were. You felt empty because you felt your own soul leave but never felt me give mine to you.

" I agreed with Death that He could take my soul but He never bothered to check that it was mine that he was taking. I couldn't have given it to Him anyway because I had already given it to you. He took your soul, thinking that it was mine, but I bet him that if you openly admitted that you loved me then He would have to give it back to me. He agreed, thinking that you would never admit it. That's why He always appeared in my form. He thought that if He done that then it would cause you more grief but He was wrong. You couldn't feel grief because I wouldn't let you. If I felt it then you would, so I chose to remain angry until you admitted it."

I said it to his face then, those three little evil words that no longer seemed so baneful. Then I kissed him. It was our first kiss. It lasted forever and was sweet and kind. He held me tight and whispered those three little beloved words to me. He looked at his crucifix that was round my neck. I asked him if he wanted it back.

" No." he said, " You keep it. You still don't know what it means."

I asked him what he wanted it to mean and he told me that he already knew. He had found out himself and he told me that I had to as well.

I know what it means now. It struck me maybe only a month ago as he sat with his arms around me under our tree. This was Heaven, I thought. Not the Hell that it used to be. I understood then. I had saved myself from the Hell that was my life by admitting my love; the truth. Duo no longer lived in the Hell that had been his existence for more than half his life; he had saved himself by giving his soul to me. I still have his soul. He won't accept it back; saying that it is better suited to me than it is to himself so he still keeps mine. I don't want mine back either. I don't know where it has been and neither do I want to find out. He would never tell me anyway, for fear of bringing the Hell back.

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I shall stop writing now and go home, there isn't much else that I feel I need to write down Duo should be there when I get back. I don't know what I'll say to him when I get there, except 'I love you' of course. I'm not afraid of saying those words anymore. Now they seem as sweet as the sound of the wind singing rather than an attack on my attempt to live as they once were. I'm wrong in saying that I am a soulless man. I am not soulless; I just don't own it anymore. I'm still no man though, just a pathetic, grateful fool. Maybe we will make love later, maybe we won't. It makes little difference to me whether it is tonight, tomorrow night or ever again. I know he loves me. I know because I can feel the grief, strength and hope in his soul that only a man who has a heart can feel. And I know that he has a heart because no man that has that much truth in his soul cannot have a heart.