Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ All Roads Lead To You ❯ Loving Heero ( Chapter 1 )

Disclaimer: Gundam Wing and Heero Yuy is not my property.

I was one of those women who believed in fairytales and happily ever-afters. Women who had too many emotions to spare and read too many romantic novels. And so I was one of those who felt too much and fell too hard. I've been in love so many times that the sensation was too unnaturally familiar. But for once in my life, I felt a wholly unique emotion for one man. I couldn't tell if it was love for love always gave me a happy feeling. A sense of being in heaven even if it hurt in the end. But with this one man, being in love was to be in constant pain. Every touch and look was accompanied by sorrow. And so I learned the lesson of loving Heero Yuy. The experience of loving hell.

I had only a week to love him but I loved him at first sight. Who could resist those fathomless dark eyes? But of all those seven days of self-inflicted tortures, I remember the one night that will forever be sketched in my heart. It was the night that I discovered his demon. The one demon that had slipped into the dark and soft places of his only surviving part of the heart. The place that was forbidden. The demon was in the form of a woman that went by the name Relena Peacecraft.

I was lying in my own bed that night, pretending sleep while he stood staring at the sea of lights below from my luxurious apartment window. I was surprised that he was still there when I expected him to be gone long ago. Heero never stayed for the night. I also suspected that he never slept in anyone else's bed other than his own. Perhaps he saw this as a sign of bondage. Too meaningful, too personal. I searched for the bed cover quietly, taking care not to make any movement that would alert him to my form of wakening. I found the edge of the cover and pulled it over my naked form, shivering. The night was unnaturally cold for a summer night. Suddenly, Heero turned and faced the bed, his gaze unerringly straight on my face. I hurriedly closed my eyes, praying that I didn't betray my own act of lie. Unable to help myself however, I slowly and almost childishly slit one eye open to take a peek at his shadowed face. He headed straight for the bed and I closed my eyes again. I heard the soft footsteps that carried him closer, felt the heat of his presence. Then I felt a soft touch on my cheek. Unreasonable panic forced my eyes open. I didn't care for he tiring game anymore when I knew that he was saying goodbye. Not just for the night, but forever. I sat up as he turned to look at me. He knew I've been awake the whole time. Just looking at his incredibly handsome face, I couldn't help the words that rushed in my head and forced itself out of my mouth. I hated the panic that accompanied the words.

"You're going?" It was half statement, half question.

He picked up his folded shirt from a chair and put it on. My question remained unanswered.

"You are going, aren't you?" I persisted. I have never met any man who said goodbye this way. With empty silence and even emptier eyes. His silence confused then angered me. "What, you can't even talk anymore? Tell me. Is this a habit of yours? Dammit, how can you just walk away without so much as a goodbye?" To my horror, the anger in my voice was also laced with deep pain. And with the discovery of pain came the discovery of love. It wasn't unusual for me to fall in love within only a week but it was certainly unusual to find the realisation accompanied by tears. This sudden decision of his to part left me reeling as if from a fatal blow. I didn't know what to feel but well aware of what I was feeling at the moment. I hurt beyond measure. I loved him more deeply than I have ever loved anyone. This soldier with the strange hollow eyes. Hollow because I had never once seen any genuine emotion cross his all too passive face. But perhaps because of the already warring emotions that were bouncing off the walls of my bedroom, Heero's face suddenly darkened in anger. I felt both a rush of triumph and a rush of fear at the flint of emotion I had unconsciously revealed.

"I didn't promise you anything." His voice remained calm despite his anger.

No, you never did and you never would. Would you? "I feel sorry for those who's foolish enough to love you." The hurtful words came from the part of me that was hurting and wanted to hurt back.

Heero only smiled coldly. "Me too."

I wondered at his coldness. Wondered at the broken part of him and who or what had caused it.

"Why Heero?"

He frowned in confusion at the question.

"Why do you hurt so badly that you set out to hurt others?"

I got the desired effect I wanted from the question. Heero's eyes widened in surprise at my perception, then darkened to reveal such raw pain. He masked it quickly but not quickly enough. I had a glimpse of painful memories from his past.

"Who was she?"

"Leave it alone." His tone was whip-like and cutting.

I couldn't leave it alone. I couldn't let him walk out without a reason. "How did she hurt you? Did she leave you the way you were about to leave me? Was that suppose to be some kind of poetic justice?"

He started for the door. I jumped out of the bed with the cover grasped against my body and went after him. I slammed myself against the door as he moved to open it. He gave me a threatening look that would have worked if I weren't willing to hurt him as well.

"Answer me. How badly did she hurt you?"

The silence stretched before he answered in a taut voice. "She didn't hurt me. I hurt her."

I wasn't prepared for that answer. "What do you mean?"

"Just like I said." He paused, levelled his eyes with mine and almost drowned me in its depths. "She didn't know how to hurt anyone. Not even me who insisted in hurting her every way I can."

I was still hopelessly lost. "Why?" It was the only question I could ask.

"Why did I hurt her?" The blue depths of his eyes took on a haunting look. "Because I didn't know what else to do."

I found the light in the blinding darkness.

"You loved her." This I knew for nobody can cause so much pain without the complication of love. This I also knew because he was causing me the same pain. "You loved her and it terrified you. She loved you too didn't she?"

Heero's eyes retained its cool look, all emotions wiped out and no traces left behind. This time, the threat in his eyes and body were real as he moved to haul me out of the way. I stepped aside, relenting. I had gotten all my answers except for one.

"Who was she?"

Heero paused by the door and looked over his shoulder at the pathetic picture I made in the middle of the empty room. I still clutched the sheet against my body and I realised that I was trembling. It wasn't the coldness in the room. It was the coldness inside me that refused to warm itself up. I hated the vulnerability I presented.

"Relena. Relena Peacecraft." It sounded like a curse as he whispered it almost violently.

That was the measure of his feelings for her. A loving so great that it bordered on violence. I hated her. I hated Relena Peacecraft. My thoughts calmed and became more honest. I felt an over-whelming sympathy for the woman Heero Yuy loved. What would it be like to love someone who refused to love back? It would be a worse hell than the one I was living in now. I was so lost in thought that when I looked up again, Heero Yuy was gone. No trace of him was left behind. No scent, no object, not even heat. The room was so cold. It was as if Heero Yuy had never been. I stared dumbly at the closed door. Gone. One moment I realised myself in love then the next minute realised that I just lost someone. The pain was slow to insert itself back into my system but when it came, it was almost unbearable.

We all have our weaknesses, our Achilles' heels, our demons. Mine was love. For some it may be the same. I felt too much and fell too hard. The inevitable landing crushed my bones and vital parts. I loved Heero Yuy and paid the price. I failed to crucifice his demon just as I failed to crucifice mine. I still believe in love. And Heero? He will always love Relena Peacecraft and so will continue hurting her and others to pay for what he sees as a weakness in himself. I wanted to find him and tell him what he clearly couldn't see. That by hurting Relena, he was breaking himself slowly and inevitably. I wanted to find Relena and tell her not to give up. But I had to let it be. Heero was a thing of the past. Someone I mourned for now and then. I would just break down sometimes and start weeping because the memories would come flooding back. The pain never really diminished. That was the lesson I learned. Loving and losing Heero Yuy was one and the same. You remain in constant pain. It was hell loving him.