Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ And I... ❯ Prologue

My December

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters; they belong to Bandai and some other really big, rich people. The song, `My December' belongs to Linkin Park.

//song lyrics//

~*~

-----HEERO POV-----

I never thought that I would miss the war but I do… I don't know why though. It has been one year since the Mari-Maya incident and my disappearance. I made sure no one could find me. It was so peace full at first, not having to worry about missions or Oz or my comrades. I have as much time as I wish without being told what to do. It took a while to get used to though. Sometimes, I just walk in the snow and watch the way that the light reflects off of it. I never noticed it before; I always had other things on my mind. Now, I have as much time as I wish to do whatever I wish most of that time I spend reading or just thinking. It's not the most exciting of lives but it's a nice change from being one of the key players in a war.

I can honestly say that I was at peace, even though I still dream about things that I truly wish I could forget. I can still see her… that little girl with her dog. Mary was the dog's name. `Are you lost onichan?' those words still haunt my dreams sometimes. But in truth I am happier like this… for the most part anyways. It's funny how even the air's sent is different, or maybe I just didn't care before or maybe it really does smell different. No, I haven't changed that much, I still don't smile or laugh at all, or show my emotions.

December is a peaceful month isn't it? People are always happy and joyous. It will be Christmas soon that's probably why. I walk freely down the streets through the snow at night without worrying about getting noticed by the enemy. But I do get rather angry when, not once since the wars end, not one person recognizes me or if they do they don't say anything. Maybe they forgot that this is the one year anniversary of world peace that my friends and I fought to achieve, yes, they are my friends even though I have not contacted or seen any of them once since last year. Still, people should show some thanks to what I sacrificed for them, especially now, one year after the wars end.

//This is my December
This is my time of the year//

Anyways, now I am sitting in my bedroom. I bought a small house in the county, it wasn't hard since the first thing I did when the war ended was get a bank account and transferred in some of the money that we used when were still fighting. The house isn't really that big, but it suits me well. As I said, I've been doing some thinking and I've noticed a few things. Like how I notice more simple things and not over analyze them and I have also realize things that I didn't know before. Like, what things I got out of the war. Some good things are the friends I met that understand me more than anyone else has or ever will. I understand more about life than most at any age and my closest friend showed me how to enjoy that life, but I never told him that, the knowledge I gained through my experiences. Some of the bad things are all of the people I had to kill, knowing that somewhere a family is grieving for them and the memories that came with them. Not even I can stop the memories…

I know now what I fought for, I see it everyday… the relieved look in peoples eyes when they see that they don't have to worry about their children growing up to be soldiers. Freedom is what helps people keep hope for the future and gives everyone something to smile about… except me that is, I don't have what would make me smile for the first time yet. I know exactly what that thing is. I hope that I will smile soon.

I wonder how many people can even start to understand what it was like to be one of the Gundam Pilots, to be only fifteen years old and fight alongside four others your age in a war that you were out numbered by a thousands to one. I know that I am one of the reasons that this year and the years after will be in peace. I know, even if they don't, that if it weren't for us, most of them would be destroyed.

//This is my December
This is all so clear//

I look out my window at the sky, it is nighttime and the clouds are dark. It will snow again soon. There is already twenty inches of snow on the ground. The whiteness of it is almost blinding in the daytime when the sun is shining. I remember that once, when I was walking to my car, I slipped on some ice and landed in it. I never imagined that frozen water could have been soft.

I take the book off of the small desk and start to read where I left off. It wasn't long before I look out the window again and see that it has started to snow. The snowflakes fall like feathers, swaying without a breeze. I now know why Duo was so confused about God… how could a being that created such beauty, let wars take place and destroy it. That doesn't really matter any more, does it? Now there is no more war… I still don't know why I don't like that idea. My subconscious tells me why and it does make a little bit of sense but… why does it make sense? I turn back to my book again.

One hour later I am finished my book and look outside again, it has snowed a lot and I will have to shovel around my home tomorrow, I don't do it now because it hasn't stopped snowing yet. It's nice to know that I finally have somewhere to call home instead of all those safe houses we used to stay in, still… in some ways that felt like more of a home than this does.

//This is my December
This is my snow-covered home//

I used to like the silence so much, I would constantly wish for it. Now that I have it, I don't really know what to do with it. I even find myself missing things that I never thought that I would miss, like Quatre's mothering, Wu-fei's rants about justice and honor and Trowa quietly observing everything. But the thing I miss the most, odd as it may be, is Duo's non-stop chatter, I don't know why though. It's probably because of all the silence I have now. I hate it. I sometimes wonder how they're fairing in life, I know that Trowa and Quatre are probably together and I would someday hope to find that kind of relationship with someone.

A while ago, I found that I wanted to see if anyone wanted to know where I was so I let a small piece of information slip on the Internet. Only someone who was looking for me would be able to find it. I hope someone did find it and I hope it was the person who could finally make me smile. For some reason, I don't think that anyone will find it or will even be looking for it. I don't really what I'm feeling right now, it isn't something I like to feel but I feel it more and more lately. I try to ignore it but it gets harder and harder each day. I don't really care though; it doesn't change my day that much.

My subconscious tells me what I'm feeling `you're lonely' and why I'm feeling it. I don't want to believe it and I won't. I don't get lonely. But if I did, it would explain a lot. No! I'm just thinking about my past too much. But it's hard not to though, I mean, I dream about it almost every night. Most time it's nightmares but sometimes I dream about things that I wish were and I wish could be. But I try to forget about that as quickly as possible, they've probably found someone to be with… someone who can care for them the way they want to be cared for.

//This is my December
This is me alone//

I don't know why I feel so empty now… I did feel empty in the war, but not quite like this. During the war I had to feel that way because if I didn't, I would have died many times by now. Now, I don't need to feel this way…maybe I don't, after all, this is a different kind of empty. What didn't I do? I ask myself this question so many times but I never get an answer.

"What don't I know?" I ask out loud, hoping for an answer I know will never come. I sigh, I'm supposed to be the perfect soldier, understand everything.

I get up from where I was sitting and walk into the kitchen. I walk over to the coffee pot and there is still some left and it is still warm. I poor it into the mug I got out from the cupboard. No sugar, no cream. That's how I like my coffee. I go to sit on the couch but instead of drinking my coffee, I just stare at it… as if it had all of the answers. It' ironic how people used to turn to me for answers and I had them… now, I feel that I don't know anything at all.

Most of the time, my thoughts are centered on a certain person. Now that I look back at it, I've noticed all the side-glances that they used to send and all the times they would act kindly towards me. How could I have missed it? I made them think that I had wished they weren't alive.

//And I
Just wish that I didn't feel like there was something I missed//

They felt the same way about me… they felt the same way and I ruined it all. I put my coffee down, none too gently, spilling some of it and rest my head in my hands. I made them think that I could care less, but that wasn't it at all. I just didn't want them to know all the power they had over me. I never meant it to be like that… to late, huh? I ruined my chance too many times.

If I could, I would go back and take back all the hurtful thing I said to them. I wish so hard that I hadn't threatened their life so many, many times. I can still hear my own voice `Omae o korosu' and wince every time. I slam my fist down on the table, hard. My throat hurts whenever I think about them too much, but I'm not sick, am I?

//And I
Take back all the things I said to make you feel like that//

I swear! I don't know anything I thought I knew! I always knew what was going on in my head, now I don't! I always knew what reactions my body gave off, now I have no idea. I don't know anything anymore and I hate it. I'm not used to not knowing. I want to know why I don't know… but I can't get it. It probably has something to do with the uncomfortable feelings I'm getting.

I wish…

I can't change…

It'll never change…

//And I
Just wish that I didn't feel like there was something I missed
And I
Take back all the things that I said to you//

I would give up anything in the world to know why I never want to be in my house or why I keep needing more and more sleep. I want to go somewhere warm and more… I don't know. I don't know what to do anymore. They would know what this feeling is, why I'm feeling it, they would know… behind my eyes there is a burning pain and I've never experienced it before. My head is hanging low and my chin is almost touching my chest. I clench my teeth until it hurts and I'm pretty sure my knuckles are white.

Damn it! Why? Why? Why? My fist hits the table every time I ask that question, like it is to blame for everything and everything. If life were only that easy… I wish so badly that I would've had the courage long ago.

//And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere to go to//

Why does everyone have someone but me? I'm sure their with someone too. Fuck! Why do I continue thinking about them! Profanities have become a more common thing lately with me; I guess it's just a way of venting anger. But I can't stop thinking about them, my friend and what I would like to be more. I want to be with them so badly.

I know why they never told me about their attraction… they thought that I was in love with Relena. I never thought of her as more than a friend. I wanted him, wanted to hold him and be with him, and… love him? Yes I wanted to love him, scratch that, I do love him, and I wanted him to love me back.

He did…

The burning in my eyes is strong now and my throat is really sore and I can feel hot droplets of liquid roll down my face. I raise my hand to my cheek and I can feel the warm liquid. I open my eyes, which I didn't know were closed, and look at my fingers, I can see the slight shine on my fingers. Then I realized something…

They were my, Heero Yuy's, tears.

He always wanted me to show some emotion, he tried everything he could. Who would have thought that he would have made me cry by not doing anything? I start to laugh at the thought - an insane sound, eevn to my own ears. I leave my untouched coffee on the table and walk to my bedroom to sleep for the night with one last glance outside. Everything seems to sparkle… so happy… mockingly.

//Give it all away
To have someone to come home to//

I fall asleep almost the instant I get under my covers and I start to dream…

When I wake up I am sweating and breathing heavily. It was one of my happiest, and at the same time saddest, dreams. It is much like the dreams I've been having since I first met him. Typical wet dream. With one exception, in the end, he whispers in my ear quietly `I love you, Heero'. All I seem to do is dream now. I curl up and more tears fall down my face, tears of frustration, tears of sorrow, tears of longing…

I guess when my first tear was shed last night; it opened a door to the rest of them. I had never cried before. Duo used to say that boys don't cry. I don't listen anymore and I don't care anymore.

//This is my December
These are my snow-covered dreams//

I harden myself before I leave my bed. It's Sunday today and I am in desperate need of groceries so I can't just stay in bed all day… as much as I'd like to. All I want to do is curl up underneath my covers and never leave. I want to cry, I want to remember, I want… I want…

I pretend that I don't need anything… anyone. As much as I know that's not true, I can't let my emotions control my daily life. The soldier is still there, he still has some control. I hate him, so much. I hate him more than anything. He is my strength and my weakness at the same time. My Reality. I get dressed in a pair of jeans and a blue sweater before I leave my bedroom.

I drink my coffee, black, and out on my hiking boots and coat, then leave my house. I don't lock my door, I have anything of value inside my house. Besides, I am still stronger than any human, unless J somehow managed to re-incarnate himself and if that doesn't work, I have my gun with me.

//This is me pretending
This is all I need//

Shopping is the same thing as it has alwaya been with the aeception that I no longer need to worry about the starage space that the items I buy will take up. I no longer have to worry about leaving in minutes at a time, no more. Still it is different now as everything is I notice the little things. I see all the useless items that he wanted me to buy and I refused. I smile when my eyes come in contact with a small boy holding a stuffed animal. He walks up to me and holds up the bear, his big eyes glowing with pride and happiness.

"'Is name's Fuffy" He says to me. He reminds me of him. I smile and tell him that his bear looks strong and handsome, he smiles widely at me before his mother pulls him away from me. I think she recognizes me but doesn't say anything about it.

When I get home, I put away my groceries and sit down at my desk. My eyes catch my laptop and I glare at it and this time it is the reason for all of my problems. I was always distracted by it and never noticed him, although I knew I wanted to. I can picture it now, me sitting at my laptop typing up my mission reports and him trying to get me away from it. I remember that in the beginning he was so persistant at it whenever we were together. Then my own voice comes back with a threat and he would back off. We weren't together that often, but when we were, after a while he would try once to get me away from it and them I could feel his smile before he left. It wasn't of happiness but of understanding, sorrow and… and longing.

I never knew…

//And I
Just wish that I didn't feel like there was something I missed
And I
Take back all The things I said to make you feel like that//

I turn away from it and my through is tight once again. I am so weak. If Wufei saw me now he'd probably laugh, no, that's not true, I think that he would understand. For he too loved someone who loved him in return but never showed it until too late. The tears are true and I am truly sorry for everything. I am.

More tears…

… New thoughts…. It could end, I could end it. No! Suicide is the coward's way out and I am no longer a coward.

//And I
Just wish that I didn't feel like there was something I missed
And I
Take back all the things that I said to you//

* * *

More weeks pass by and I no longer go anywhere. I feel weak, tired and… alone. I want to go somewhere where I will be welcomed and kept. But the truth is that I have no such place, no such people. Not anymore. I am a fool and I know it.

* * *

I am sitting under the window in my room, wrapped in a blanket and staring at the stars. I remember staring at them before and seeing hope, for they have been through so much and yet they still shine on, they see so much sorrow and yet they still seem to smile. I wonder, do they see me? Do they still hope for me? I doubt it. I just stare, tears streaming down my face freely and I don't care. I still stare at them, I know they reflect in my eyes and I know that I probably look like a lost ten year old. In reality, I am.

Slowly I can feel my eyes start to close and I can feel myself fall asleep.

~*~
//Are you still lost Onichan?// I can see her again, she smiles at me.

//…Yes…//

//Then wake up//

//No//

~*~

The phone rings and I slowly get up to answer it, "Hello?" My voice is quiet and raw from my tears, so unlike me. The person on the other line must have realized this as well

"Do I have the correct number? I am looking for Heero Yuy" Its then I realize that I never gave out my number anyone and the number is unlisted.

"Yes, I am Heero. Who are you?"

"Well, why don't you come meet me at Café Therese in fifteen minutes and find out" The voice was familiar but I couldn't place it. I have to ay my curiosity is peeked at this thought and since I had nothing to do, I agreed. I hung up and went into the washroom to wash my face and make myself publicly presentable. There were no bags under my eyes, I had been sleeping better than I had thought apparently. I put on a pair of black jeans and a blue turtle neck sweater, throwing my sweats and tee shirt into a pile somewhere.

I walk downstairs put on my boots and my jacket before leaving for the Café.

* * *

I arrive five minutes early and look around. Seeing no one vaguely familiar to me, I sit down at a booth by the window. I chuckle a little when I realize that I have developed a strange obsession with snow.

"I believe that is the first time I have heard Heero Yuy laugh" Said the person who somehow managed to sit across from me without my knowing so. I look up to the slightly smiling face of Chang Wufei. "It has been a long time, Heero"

"Yes, it has" he has changed a lot. His eyes still hold the pride and honor they had before but now there appears to be a shadow of kindness there.

"You've changed"

"So have you" This is how it has always been between us, curt, to the point and without pleasantries. He proves me wrong when he smiles at me and says sincerely "It's good to see you again, my friend"

* * *

He told me that everyone was working as a Preventer, including Milliardo and Noin. I think that Wufei has known of my affections for a long time and he knew what I had been going through. He assured me that if I ever needed somewhere to go, I'd be welcome with him. That made me smile.

//And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere to go to//

* * *

When I walk towards my front door, I immediately realized something was wrong. I had my gun in my hand before I had the door opened. Once inside, I looked around and found everything in order and proper. I put my gun away and slowly close the door, ready for bed… and more dreams of what I wish was. As I walk across the doorway to mt living room, I hear a voice

"Old habits die hard, hey Heero" Was the quiet whisper before I found myself pulled into a warm embrace. I turn around and see someone I have wanted to see for so long. I don't even try to stop the tears as I throw my arms around him and hold him close. I pull back only to liss him briefly before holding him again.

"I love you Heero, I always have and always will"

"I know" I say as I kiss his neck "I love you too and I'm so sorry, Duo" I whisper to him and I think he understood

what I meant. I don't know what to say, I am truly… happy.

I look at the stars and I silently than them, they sparkle and shine in reply. Somehow, they seem to be brighter now

"Welcome home" He says and I tightly close my eyes, pushing out the hidden water.

They weren't only my tears…

//Give it all away
To have someone to come home to//