Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ And The Reason Is You ❯ And The Reason Is You ( Chapter 1 )
[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]
By: Sefarina Malaika 
Heero's been away from the rest of the gang for a while now of his own choice, what's he to do when is suddenly reunited with them. Shounen ai/YAOI
Anime/Manga: Gundam Wing Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Drama / Angst | Type: Songfic | Uploaded On: 12.03.2004 | Pages: 3 | Words: 5.9K | Visits: 738 | Status: Completed
Heero's been away from the rest of the gang for a while now of his own choice, what's he to do when is suddenly reunited with them. Shounen ai/YAOI
Anime/Manga: Gundam Wing Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Drama / Angst | Type: Songfic | Uploaded On: 12.03.2004 | Pages: 3 | Words: 5.9K | Visits: 738 | Status: Completed
Title: And The Reason Is You
Author: Sefarina Malaika
Pairing: 1x2x1?
Warning: Mild Language, Mild Violence, Shonen ai
Standard disclamer: I do not own any of the Gundam Wing characters...they are just my toys for the time being. I don't own the song either, it belongs to Hoobastank
Note: This kinda popped into my head one day while listening to Hoobastank's CD. Hope you all like it, and I want to thank Utsubame for betaing it.
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And The Reason is You
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“I’m not a perfect person
There are many things I wish I didn’t do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know”
Heero stood at the train station waiting for number sixty-four to arrive. He was heading home after a week of closing deals. Albeit alone, coming on this trip, he hadn’t really expected to be coming home with anyone in the first place. What had started out as a business trip to Chicago, turned out to be the first step in healing long time open wounds. He would be able to live with his regrets now; it would all be a little better.
Looking at his watch, he suppressed a sigh; his train wouldn’t be arriving for another two hours. Searching through the crowd, he found an empty bench off to his right. Adjusting his carry-on and luggage, he walked towards the bench. Sitting down, he placed his bags beside him and closed his eyes. Memories assaulted him but this time he didn’t fight to suppress them.
They weren’t pleasant but he could face them now. Coming to Chicago had originally been a business trip for his computer company. He hadn’t even known that he lived there. The only reason he’d found out was because he’d been reading the morning paper. He’d set himself up for a day of rest and relaxation. Skimming through the paper, while drinking his orange juice, an article in the local section had caught his attention. Duo Maxwell, a well-known society figure, was opening another orphanage that afternoon. Reading the details and committing the location to memory, Heero had made a decision. He would speak to him and apologize. It was time to let the still deep, open wounds, time to heal.
“I’ve found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you”
He’d healed very little over the last three years. Not really trying the first on, he’d opted to dilute everything with alcohol. When the bittersweet liquid didn’t numb the pain, the hangovers kept his mind on a different sort of pain. He had slowly started going down hill, eventually not buying food or only going out if he needed more alcohol. The only reason he bathed and washed his clothes was his obsession with cleanliness. He began to ignore his friends and comrades, and eventually stopped contacting them altogether. It hurt too much to see them happy, while he was suffering, he didn’t have a right to intrude on their lives with his pathetic presence. One night, he’d been particularly drunk, drinking more then he usually did, trying to drown out those ever present and painful memories. For reasons unknown to him, he’d picked up the phone and dialed Quatre’s and Trowa’s number. When Trowa had picked up, Heero had nearly slammed the phone down but something stopped him.
All of a sudden, he was confessing everything to him. What had happened the night he and Duo had broken up, the pain he felt, why he stopped calling and e-mailing them, his regrets and any other tiny detail, that he had felt guilty about. Trowa had listened intently and once he was sure Heero was finished, he’d said one simple line. ‘Find a reason to start over new and change.’
Heero hadn’t understood that right away but hours after he’d hung up with Trowa, the meaning of that simple sentence had made sense. That night he’d made a decision, he would start over, fix his faults, become a better person then he was at that moment.
He’d gone to sleep afterwards and when he got up, he finally began the process of becoming sober. The first thing he did was pour out all the remaining alcohol in his apartment. He also found out when Alcohol Anonymous meetings were held. He hadn’t been that naïve to ignore the fact that he had a problem. He’d always known he did, just never wanted to do anything about it.
Alcohol withdrawal had been a horrible experience but he’d been determined to stop. The worst had been the shakes; they’d made him feel inadequate, especially when they would come on without warning. One episode had been more severe then the others and he’d seriously contemplated giving up on everything. He had been making himself lunch and his whole body had spasmed as he was walking towards the table, making him drop everything. Food splattered across the tiled floor, dishes shattered on contact. His mug of hot tea spilt over his hand, startling him, and fell to the ground along with everything else. He’d collapsed to the floor, his back against the cupboards, in defeat. He wondered to himself as the tears slipped down his cheeks unnoticed, why he was even bothering. It had been so easy when he was drinking. Everything had been tolerable. Now, without the numbing effects of the alcohol, everything was excruciating and unbelievably clear.
Still shaking slightly, he’d stood up and walked out of the kitchen. On his way to the front door, however, a picture on the wall made him stop in his tracks. The picture was of Duo and himself a bit after they’d gotten together. The braided boy had his arms slung over Heero’s shoulders, his cheek pressed against his own, and smiling joyfully. Heero, to his own defense, had a small smile on his features. Taking one look at the picture, the reason why he was going through all of this came back to him. In less then an hour, he found himself on the ground, silent tears falling down his cheeks once again. This time because of the shame and guilt, that was swimming through him. He had almost completely given up.
Once he’d regained his composure, he’d made his way back to the kitchen to clean up his mess. Months later, he’d found himself standing in front of a group of people he’d come to know quite well and declaring that he’d now been sober for over seven months and that the shakes had finally stopped. He wasn’t cured but he’d recovered from one of the darkest point in his life since the war. The feeling of pride washed over him as the others, some older members, some new, clapped at his declaration. The only thing he never did do after that faithful night on the phone with Trowa was get in touch with his friends again. It was one of those things he probably should have done but was too ashamed to do so. After all, how do you face someone after confessing all of the awful things you’ve done?
Heero looked around the train station in contemplation before returning to his thoughts, he hadn’t had an alcoholic drink in two years and even though others would say he had recovered, he wasn’t so cocky about the issue. He still attended the meeting, expressing himself to his fellow AA members when he ha a chance. Of course, with his computer company, he didn’t always get a chance to attend them; he made the effort to go though. This reminded him, they were having one tomorrow evening. He definitely needed to go to that one after today.
He’d started ‘Zero’, his computer company, a year ago, once he’d been sure he would be able to handle the stress. It had taken a few months to get it up and running, but soon after, business had bloomed at an alarming rate.
Now, here he was, a successful company owner, doing business all over Earth and the colonies. It had surprised him at first, that he was so successful. He’d gotten used to it quickly however, especially once he’d started traveling. Traveling suited his restless nature just fine, even though he was sure his friends would dispute with the restless part.
“I’m sorry that I hurt you
It’s something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
This is why I need you to hear”
His thoughts took him to before he’d gone into the darkness of alcohol, to a time when he’d once been happier then now. Not to say that he wasn’t happy to an extent now, he had friends and people that cared about him. Of course the one person he wanted, he’d pushed away and hurt those many years ago.
He wasn’t able to pinpoint when it had started but he was suddenly getting angry at Duo, more often then not. Now, he realised that it was always over the stupidest things. He would get angry if Duo was late coming home from work, if he went out more then once a week, missed any meals and on occasion he would even get angry if Duo hadn’t wanted to have sex. It had gotten to the point that if his partner went out, he automatically assumed he was having an affair.
Now he knew differently, that the reason he had felt that way was that he’d been terrified of Duo abandoning him for someone better. After all, the war had just finished and he’d still been acting as the Perfect Soldier. Duo would have eventually left him for an actual human being, instead of staying with a machine.
How wrong he’d been. He had never taken Duo’s confessions of love, not that he didn’t believe them, and promises of forever, to heart. He always thought Duo would tire of him eventually and more on to someone more worthy of his time.
Heero cringed at the memory of that faithful night when everything had gone to hell. He’d been sitting on the couch at one in the morning, waiting for Duo to return. He’d been over exuberantly angry with the boy. More so out of hurt and jealousy then anything else.
Duo had gone out with some co-workers and hadn’t bothered to ask him if he’d wanted to go. Thinking back on it, that’s what had hurt the most. It had made him feel inadequate, unable to interact with others and it looked like Duo didn’t want to be around him in a public setting. Part of him also resented Duo for making him feel that way. Maybe if they’d had a little more communication between the two of them, a lot of stuff could have been prevented. However, there hadn’t been any communication, so everything just continued to escalate to worsen.
He hadn’t even let the boy take his shoes off completely before drilling him. “Where were you?” He’d demanded coldly from the couch, not looking at the other.
Arching a brow, Duo finished removing his shoes before replying. “I was out, Heero, a bunch of us from work went to the bar and deli to celebrate a birthday.”
“Who from work?” Was the next question that had come out of his mouth, the feeling of hurt growing at the knowledge that Duo didn’t even think to invite him along. It wasn’t as if he hadn’t met all of his co-workers.
“Oy, what’s with the twenty questions Heero?” Duo had joked before answering anyway. “Jerry, Ben, Anna, Jenna and Brad. We took Jerry out for his thirtieth, I’m going to bed.” Duo commented offhandily, he’d brushed Heero’s behaviour off as a usual occurrence, as he made his way to their bedroom.
The next thing either of them knew, Heero had Duo trapped against the wall, the braided boys arms in a vice grip. “Don’t walk away from!” He’d shouted almost desperately, his grip tightening around their captive.
Duo looked at him calmly, his voice soothing. “Heero, let go of me. Let’s sit down and talk about what’s bothering you.”
Not responding, Heero tightened his grip once again, feeling the bones grind against each other. He’d almost gotten a sadistic sort of pleasure in watching Duo wince in pain, wanting the boy to feel at least a small portion of what he’d been feeling for the past while.
“Heero, let go, that hurts.” Duo had proclaimed, trying to keep his voice steady.
“Good, it should hurt, that’s the purpose of squeezing so hard,” Heero responded, tightening his grip a little more. “Why should I care if you’re in pain, I should ignore it. After all, when have you ever acknowledged mine?”
“What do you mean Heero?” Duo asked him, his eyes giving him a once over to insure he had no physical injuries. “What pain, Heero? Tell me what hurts?” Duo scrunched up his face trying not to shout out as the others grip tightened a fraction more.
“Don’t talk to me like I’m a child!” He shouted before going calm. “Besides, even if I told you, it’s not like you care enough to make it stop.”
Duo had suddenly found himself on the ground, both his arms tingling with the return of blood. Standing up on shaky feet, Duo had approached him and put his hand on his shoulder. It had probably been to comfort him but he hadn’t wanted comfort, he wanted the pain to go away, to stop feeling like a secret object that a person kept at home because they were ashamed to show there friends.
He hadn’t meant to punch Duo in the gut, but the touch had been unwelcome. “Don’t touch me. You have no right.”
Duo wheezed for a few seconds as he caught his breath. “What are you talking about Heero? Of course I care, I want to help you get rid of the pain, but I need to know what’s causing it.”
“You are!” Heero exclaimed. “You are the cause of my pain!” Duo looked at him in bewilderment, not knowing what to say. “Every time you go out with out me I sit here and wonder if you’re meeting someone else or if you just don’t want me around. You never ask me if I want to go to the bar with you. I feel like you’re ashamed of me!” He finished as he leaned against the opposite wall in defeat. “Did it ever occur to you that maybe I just wanted to be with you, Duo?”
“Oh Heero, never. I just assumed that you wouldn’t want to go because you never used to.” Duo explained as he walked up to the boy, ignoring the aches in his arms and gut.
He’d been beyond reasoning that night, it wouldn’t have mattered what Duo has said to him. He’d heard what Duo has been saying but that meaning of the words hadn’t registered until much later. “I said don’t touch me!” Heero restated, his voice cold and detached, as he shoved Duo away from him. As he watched Duo met the wall, the haze that had enveloped him cleared and he felt panic taking over. Duo slid down to the floor, trying to catch his breath and looking at him with betrayal in his eyes. He’d never purposely shoved Duo away from him with such force and it had never been done to cause pain. Slowly Duo’s eyes slipped closed, the blow to his head when he’d hit the wall knocking him unconscious.
He had grabbed his coat, and wallet before running out of the house.
Heero shook his head to clear his thoughts. He’d been utterly disgusted with himself, still was. How he had managed to lose control like that, he did not know but leaving was the only option.
He’d wandered around aimlessly for hours afterwards, replaying the events repeatedly, knowing he’d overreacted. Of course, it was too late now, he wouldn’t be able to go back, and so instead of staying in the city, he’d hailed a cab and gave the man instructions to take him to the bus terminal. Paying the fair, he’d walked into the building and bought a ticket for the furthest place away from Chicago.
“I’ve found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you”
He’d found himself in some small town in Canada a few days later, not really caring about the fact that he had no clothing or personal possessions. After all, all they would do was remind him of his life with Duo. It was easier to start over, and maybe one day he would be worthy of Duo’s forgiveness.
It had started out fairly well, but slowly things settled down and he began to notice the silence and loneliness that seemed to take up permanent residence in his apartment.
That’s when he’d turned to the alcohol, hearing from word of mouth that it was a sweet release from loneliness’ tight grip. He hadn’t even thought of the consequences in drinking so much, he’d just wanted oblivion from his thoughts and the emptiness he constantly felt. He didn’t have to worry about employment, having pilfered enough money from the Alliance and Oz to last him quite some time. So all he did was go out, buy his alcohol, come home, and drink it.
He’d been intoxicated almost twenty-four hours a day, the only time he wasn’t drinking was when he was passed out. Of course, he also ate and at first, it had only been enough drinks to numb the pain. However, slowly the effects of the alcohol diminished and he’d resorted to increasing the amount to more and more.
Heero rubbed his hands across his eyes, a sign that he was tired and stressed. Memories were usually never pleasant in his care and even those there were usually involved Duo, which would bring on the bad ones.
“I’m not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know”
Today had been originally supposed to relax him; instead, he had gone all melancholic over the past once again. His memories normally weren’t so vivid, but seeing Duo earlier on probably played a large factor in that though.
He hadn’t meant to talk to the boy. He’d only planned on going to the opening ceremony of the orphanage and get a glimpse of the man he still loved with all his heart. Watching Duo speak to the large crowed of people had filled him with such pride. That was quickly replaced by sorrow, knowing that he wouldn’t be the one to celebrate his success. From his spot at the very back of he crowd, he’d spotted Quatre, Trowa and Wufei off to the side of the podium, offering their silent support. He’d almost been jealous of his friends but he’d come to his senses, knowing that he’d given up that position years ago. He’d turned his attention back to Duo just as the boy spotted him in the crowd. The American faltered slightly, covering it up by clearing his throat.
It did the purpose it was supposed to and the crowd continued to vividly listen. It did, however, catch the three other pilots attention and they had all looked in the direction that Duo had been looking in. It didn’t take them long to spot him, from his vantage point he couldn’t clearly see their expressions but he was sure that there was some shock present and probably some anger as well.
His cue to leave was when Trowa and Wufei started walking in his general direction. They made it look like they were just checking the area but he’d known better. Wanting to listen to the rest of Duo’s speech conflicted with his desire to avoid confrontation and the desire for avoidance won out. Why bring up the past when it could be avoided.
He’d made it as far as his rental car before he felt a hand on his shoulder. He’d glanced briefly behind him to notice that it was Trowa’s hand.
“Long time no see, Heero.” Had been Trowa’s greeting. He hadn’t responded.
“Yes it has, hasn’t it? What is it going on now? Almost two years?” Wufei added as he leaned against the back seat door.
“No, I would have to say almost three, a phone call in the middle of the night hardly qualifies as keeping in touch.” Trowa replied smoothly. Heero shrugged the hand off his shoulder, he didn’t need this. All he wanted was to go home to his empty apartment and wallow in self hatred. Why couldn’t they just leave him alone? He was doing fine without them and he didn’t want them involved in his life.
*Liar* A voice deep down told him. *You want them to accept you and be your friend again. You’re just too proud to admit it. But it’s ok to think like that, after all, who would want to be your friend* The voice taunted.
‘Oh would you piss off, I don’t need you either.’ He told the inner voice as he opened the driver side door with jerky motions.
“Don’t get into that car, Heero,” Wufei warned.
“Why not? It’s not like I’m need around here. I only came to Chicago on business, not to cause more shit.” Heero informed the two, although he did not step into the car just yet.
“And your business involves Duo how?” Trowa questioned neutrally.
Heero sighed before he answered. “It doesn’t.”
“Then why are you here?” Trowa questioned as he waved his hand in the general direction of the ceremony.
“I’m here because I was reading about it this morning and this,” he waved vaguely in the direction of the orphanage and crowd, “caught my attention. I have a train to catch, so the faster you let me go, the faster I can leave Chicago and never come back.” He was sure some of his emotions had flashed in his eyes but now he didn’t care. He wanted to get as far away as possible from the people he’d called friends those many years ago. This hurt to much.
It was Wufei’s turn to speak as he looked at Heero with sad eyes. “Why is it that you avoid us, Heero? Did we do something to offend you? Because if we did, let us know.” The sincerity in those words seemed to have opened the doors Heero had shut those many years ago.
He looked at them with such sadness that they both took a step back in shock. “No Wufei, you never did anything to me. I’m just ashamed of myself for what I’ve done and I have no right of being remotely around you. If I had even had the slightest notion that any of you were still in Chicago and that there was a possibility of running into any of you , I would never have come. I have no right to speak to you and I truly have no right to even look at Duo. I have wronged him in the past and have paid dearly for it. What right do I have to associate with people I care about if all I do is push them away and hurt them? I’m sure Duo’s told you the circumstances as to why we broke up and those alone keep me from trying to keep in touch. I don’t deserve his forgiveness and I don’t deserve your friendship,” Heero sighed, he was sure they didn’t understand his feelings and reasons, and he didn’t really care. All he wanted to do was leave.
“I think you are wrong about many things Heero,” Wufei started. “You may have done some stupid things in the past, but it’s about time you move on. We don’t hate you, against what you might believe. And even though I don’t know all the gory details about what happened between you and Duo, I’m sure it is not as bad as to leave the state and cut off all contact with us.” Wufei gave him a reassuring smile.
Heero’s bark of laughter startled them.
“No? So you know what? That we had a fight and I left?” Wufei nodded, Heero glanced at Trowa. “You didn’t tell everything?” Trowa shook his head, he brought his attention back to Wufei. “God, I wouldn’t leave over something as small as that. Do you really want to know why I left?” The Chinese man nodded. “I punched him and after that I pushed him into a wall. He hit it hard enough that he passed out. I hurt the one person I’d sworn I would never let harm come to. Can you still say you want me as a friend and honestly mean it?”
His question went unanswered as footsteps approaching drew their attention away from their topic. Walking towards them was Duo and he looked non too pleased. He stopped in front of Heero and then startled, both, Trowa and Wufei with his next move. He punched Heero square in the jaw, hard.
“You asshole. How dare you just leave like that? You could have at least apologised for your actions. But no, you had to run away. God, a phone call occasionally would have been nice, to someone at least, you know. At least I would have known you were still alive.” Duo stated angrily. Wufei and Trowa had snuck away after he’d hit Heero and they were no where in sight.
Heero gave him a glare and retorted. “Had the roles been reversed, would you have called? I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror, let alone call someone.” He rubbed his jaw with the back of his hand.
“Why are you here, Heero?” Duo asked after taking a few deep breaths to calm himself down.
Heero let out a frustrated sigh. “Why does everyone keep asking me that?” He questioned, and continued on to answer the question as he watched Duo open his mouth to retort with, most probably, some sarcastic remark. “Because I’m on business, not to see you or interrupt your wonderfully peaceful life. I didn’t even know you still lived in Chicago. And frankly, the chances of actually seeing you had been quite slim. I’m leaving this afternoon for home and if I offend you so much that I can’t even do my job, then I’ll cancel all deals that I have closed this week and stay out of Chicago all together.” Heero was fuming by then and he’d barely started. Who were they to demand why he was there. “Or maybe I can call next time, to let you know I’m still alive, of course, and ask what your schedule is, so that I can avoid all those spots at that time. After all, it couldn’t possibly be a free country for the ‘Perfect Soldier’. What would he know about freedom anyway?” He slammed the car door shut.” Since I’m here and so are you, I might as well apologize for everything I’ve done that’s ever offended or hurt you. So here it goes, I’m sorry Duo, for what happened three years ago, for not keeping in tough afterwards because I could barely live with myself. And while I’m at it, I’m sorry for ever existing, being the ‘Perfect Soldier’ and not being human enough for you to love me more and want to spend time with me,” Heero finished bitterly. “I’m sorry for it all. If it would make you happy but obviously me being here does not elicit such feelings, so I’ll take my leave of you.” Heero turned his back on the other man, trying his hardest to stop the tears that had formed from falling.
Reaching for the car door handle, Heero took a deep breath to calm himself. Duo’s voice made him pause in his actions. Or rather, the tone of Duo’s voice made him pause.
“Heero, wait, don’t leave again. At least not yet.” He sounded almost lost but it must have been his imagination, what could Duo have anything to be lost over? “I’m sorry, you have every right to be here and I guess it’s really none of my business. Don’t close your deals because of me.”
“I found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you”
“What do you want from me Duo? I can only change so much, before I’m no longer me. I did not come here to quarrel with you. All I want to do is go home and be as happy as I can be.” Heero ran his hand through his bangs. “Did Trowa ever tell you about the night that I called him?” He wasn’t surprised when Duo nodded slightly.
“I heard bits and pieces of it but not all. Trowa had pretty much said something along the lines of you being a complete wreck.”
“Well, that pretty much sums up that night and many before that. Wallowing in self pity with alcohol as your only companion, is not a good idea. Alcoholism sucks. I still attended the AA meetings, for myself and for the friends that I’ve made there. I was a mess then and it took a while to recover.” Heero let out a small sigh. “I don’t even know why I’m telling you all this.” He trailed off as he watched Duo intently for the boy’s reaction.
Nothing short of shock played across the boys features. “You were an alcoholic? Trowa didn’t really go into detail about why you were a wreck. What made you decide to go the sober way? If you don’t mind me asking.”
Heero hesitated slightly, not really wanting to tell the boy that he’d been the reason why. “The night I called Trowa, he said something that I’ve never forgotten. ‘Find a reason to start over new and change.’ To be honest on my way to sobriety, I almost gave and went back to the alcohol but something made me stop and rethink my actions.” Another sigh, these were really starting to become a habit.
“What did you find to help you?” Duo asked him. Whatever had made Heero Yuy change his mind , it must have been truly important to the boy. Heero gave him a reserved look; he did not really want to tell the boy that he was the reason why he changed his path.
“I found a reason to show
A side of me you didn’t know
A reason for all that I do”
“I need to get going Duo. I have a train to catch and a car to return before that.” He smiled slightly. “It was nice seeing you again.” He opened the car door and glanced at Duo as he got into the rental car.
Duo stood there, watching him with sadness in his eyes before he shook himself out of it. “Yeah, I’m glad you’re well, Heero. Oh and Heero, I’m sorry as well, for not being as attentive or observant as I should have been.”
Heero gave him a smile as he closed the door. Starting the engine, he glanced at Duo again. On impulse he rolled down his window to say something to the other. “Duo, encase you’re wondering, the reason I stopped drinking and got my act together…” He paused slightly, what better time to show Duo a different side of himself then now when he had the chance. He waited for the boy to nod and continued before he lost his nerve. “It was you. Maybe we can meet up for lunch some day, See ya.” With that, he drove away, leaving the other standing alone in the parking lot.
Heero looked up as he heard his train number being announced over the intercom. It was time to go. He smiled to himself as he boarded the train and found a seat. He truly did hope to see Duo again and maybe the next time it would be a planned visit. But for now he would have to be content with what had been achieved today, as unexpected as it had been. Maybe they could be friends again. He wouldn’t even think of the prospect of more until much, much later. Leaning back into the comfortable chair, he closed his eyes and relaxed, life definitely looked better already.
“And the reason is you”
~Owari~
Author: Sefarina Malaika
Pairing: 1x2x1?
Warning: Mild Language, Mild Violence, Shonen ai
Standard disclamer: I do not own any of the Gundam Wing characters...they are just my toys for the time being. I don't own the song either, it belongs to Hoobastank
Note: This kinda popped into my head one day while listening to Hoobastank's CD. Hope you all like it, and I want to thank Utsubame for betaing it.
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And The Reason is You
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“I’m not a perfect person
There are many things I wish I didn’t do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know”
Heero stood at the train station waiting for number sixty-four to arrive. He was heading home after a week of closing deals. Albeit alone, coming on this trip, he hadn’t really expected to be coming home with anyone in the first place. What had started out as a business trip to Chicago, turned out to be the first step in healing long time open wounds. He would be able to live with his regrets now; it would all be a little better.
Looking at his watch, he suppressed a sigh; his train wouldn’t be arriving for another two hours. Searching through the crowd, he found an empty bench off to his right. Adjusting his carry-on and luggage, he walked towards the bench. Sitting down, he placed his bags beside him and closed his eyes. Memories assaulted him but this time he didn’t fight to suppress them.
They weren’t pleasant but he could face them now. Coming to Chicago had originally been a business trip for his computer company. He hadn’t even known that he lived there. The only reason he’d found out was because he’d been reading the morning paper. He’d set himself up for a day of rest and relaxation. Skimming through the paper, while drinking his orange juice, an article in the local section had caught his attention. Duo Maxwell, a well-known society figure, was opening another orphanage that afternoon. Reading the details and committing the location to memory, Heero had made a decision. He would speak to him and apologize. It was time to let the still deep, open wounds, time to heal.
“I’ve found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you”
He’d healed very little over the last three years. Not really trying the first on, he’d opted to dilute everything with alcohol. When the bittersweet liquid didn’t numb the pain, the hangovers kept his mind on a different sort of pain. He had slowly started going down hill, eventually not buying food or only going out if he needed more alcohol. The only reason he bathed and washed his clothes was his obsession with cleanliness. He began to ignore his friends and comrades, and eventually stopped contacting them altogether. It hurt too much to see them happy, while he was suffering, he didn’t have a right to intrude on their lives with his pathetic presence. One night, he’d been particularly drunk, drinking more then he usually did, trying to drown out those ever present and painful memories. For reasons unknown to him, he’d picked up the phone and dialed Quatre’s and Trowa’s number. When Trowa had picked up, Heero had nearly slammed the phone down but something stopped him.
All of a sudden, he was confessing everything to him. What had happened the night he and Duo had broken up, the pain he felt, why he stopped calling and e-mailing them, his regrets and any other tiny detail, that he had felt guilty about. Trowa had listened intently and once he was sure Heero was finished, he’d said one simple line. ‘Find a reason to start over new and change.’
Heero hadn’t understood that right away but hours after he’d hung up with Trowa, the meaning of that simple sentence had made sense. That night he’d made a decision, he would start over, fix his faults, become a better person then he was at that moment.
He’d gone to sleep afterwards and when he got up, he finally began the process of becoming sober. The first thing he did was pour out all the remaining alcohol in his apartment. He also found out when Alcohol Anonymous meetings were held. He hadn’t been that naïve to ignore the fact that he had a problem. He’d always known he did, just never wanted to do anything about it.
Alcohol withdrawal had been a horrible experience but he’d been determined to stop. The worst had been the shakes; they’d made him feel inadequate, especially when they would come on without warning. One episode had been more severe then the others and he’d seriously contemplated giving up on everything. He had been making himself lunch and his whole body had spasmed as he was walking towards the table, making him drop everything. Food splattered across the tiled floor, dishes shattered on contact. His mug of hot tea spilt over his hand, startling him, and fell to the ground along with everything else. He’d collapsed to the floor, his back against the cupboards, in defeat. He wondered to himself as the tears slipped down his cheeks unnoticed, why he was even bothering. It had been so easy when he was drinking. Everything had been tolerable. Now, without the numbing effects of the alcohol, everything was excruciating and unbelievably clear.
Still shaking slightly, he’d stood up and walked out of the kitchen. On his way to the front door, however, a picture on the wall made him stop in his tracks. The picture was of Duo and himself a bit after they’d gotten together. The braided boy had his arms slung over Heero’s shoulders, his cheek pressed against his own, and smiling joyfully. Heero, to his own defense, had a small smile on his features. Taking one look at the picture, the reason why he was going through all of this came back to him. In less then an hour, he found himself on the ground, silent tears falling down his cheeks once again. This time because of the shame and guilt, that was swimming through him. He had almost completely given up.
Once he’d regained his composure, he’d made his way back to the kitchen to clean up his mess. Months later, he’d found himself standing in front of a group of people he’d come to know quite well and declaring that he’d now been sober for over seven months and that the shakes had finally stopped. He wasn’t cured but he’d recovered from one of the darkest point in his life since the war. The feeling of pride washed over him as the others, some older members, some new, clapped at his declaration. The only thing he never did do after that faithful night on the phone with Trowa was get in touch with his friends again. It was one of those things he probably should have done but was too ashamed to do so. After all, how do you face someone after confessing all of the awful things you’ve done?
Heero looked around the train station in contemplation before returning to his thoughts, he hadn’t had an alcoholic drink in two years and even though others would say he had recovered, he wasn’t so cocky about the issue. He still attended the meeting, expressing himself to his fellow AA members when he ha a chance. Of course, with his computer company, he didn’t always get a chance to attend them; he made the effort to go though. This reminded him, they were having one tomorrow evening. He definitely needed to go to that one after today.
He’d started ‘Zero’, his computer company, a year ago, once he’d been sure he would be able to handle the stress. It had taken a few months to get it up and running, but soon after, business had bloomed at an alarming rate.
Now, here he was, a successful company owner, doing business all over Earth and the colonies. It had surprised him at first, that he was so successful. He’d gotten used to it quickly however, especially once he’d started traveling. Traveling suited his restless nature just fine, even though he was sure his friends would dispute with the restless part.
“I’m sorry that I hurt you
It’s something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
This is why I need you to hear”
His thoughts took him to before he’d gone into the darkness of alcohol, to a time when he’d once been happier then now. Not to say that he wasn’t happy to an extent now, he had friends and people that cared about him. Of course the one person he wanted, he’d pushed away and hurt those many years ago.
He wasn’t able to pinpoint when it had started but he was suddenly getting angry at Duo, more often then not. Now, he realised that it was always over the stupidest things. He would get angry if Duo was late coming home from work, if he went out more then once a week, missed any meals and on occasion he would even get angry if Duo hadn’t wanted to have sex. It had gotten to the point that if his partner went out, he automatically assumed he was having an affair.
Now he knew differently, that the reason he had felt that way was that he’d been terrified of Duo abandoning him for someone better. After all, the war had just finished and he’d still been acting as the Perfect Soldier. Duo would have eventually left him for an actual human being, instead of staying with a machine.
How wrong he’d been. He had never taken Duo’s confessions of love, not that he didn’t believe them, and promises of forever, to heart. He always thought Duo would tire of him eventually and more on to someone more worthy of his time.
Heero cringed at the memory of that faithful night when everything had gone to hell. He’d been sitting on the couch at one in the morning, waiting for Duo to return. He’d been over exuberantly angry with the boy. More so out of hurt and jealousy then anything else.
Duo had gone out with some co-workers and hadn’t bothered to ask him if he’d wanted to go. Thinking back on it, that’s what had hurt the most. It had made him feel inadequate, unable to interact with others and it looked like Duo didn’t want to be around him in a public setting. Part of him also resented Duo for making him feel that way. Maybe if they’d had a little more communication between the two of them, a lot of stuff could have been prevented. However, there hadn’t been any communication, so everything just continued to escalate to worsen.
He hadn’t even let the boy take his shoes off completely before drilling him. “Where were you?” He’d demanded coldly from the couch, not looking at the other.
Arching a brow, Duo finished removing his shoes before replying. “I was out, Heero, a bunch of us from work went to the bar and deli to celebrate a birthday.”
“Who from work?” Was the next question that had come out of his mouth, the feeling of hurt growing at the knowledge that Duo didn’t even think to invite him along. It wasn’t as if he hadn’t met all of his co-workers.
“Oy, what’s with the twenty questions Heero?” Duo had joked before answering anyway. “Jerry, Ben, Anna, Jenna and Brad. We took Jerry out for his thirtieth, I’m going to bed.” Duo commented offhandily, he’d brushed Heero’s behaviour off as a usual occurrence, as he made his way to their bedroom.
The next thing either of them knew, Heero had Duo trapped against the wall, the braided boys arms in a vice grip. “Don’t walk away from!” He’d shouted almost desperately, his grip tightening around their captive.
Duo looked at him calmly, his voice soothing. “Heero, let go of me. Let’s sit down and talk about what’s bothering you.”
Not responding, Heero tightened his grip once again, feeling the bones grind against each other. He’d almost gotten a sadistic sort of pleasure in watching Duo wince in pain, wanting the boy to feel at least a small portion of what he’d been feeling for the past while.
“Heero, let go, that hurts.” Duo had proclaimed, trying to keep his voice steady.
“Good, it should hurt, that’s the purpose of squeezing so hard,” Heero responded, tightening his grip a little more. “Why should I care if you’re in pain, I should ignore it. After all, when have you ever acknowledged mine?”
“What do you mean Heero?” Duo asked him, his eyes giving him a once over to insure he had no physical injuries. “What pain, Heero? Tell me what hurts?” Duo scrunched up his face trying not to shout out as the others grip tightened a fraction more.
“Don’t talk to me like I’m a child!” He shouted before going calm. “Besides, even if I told you, it’s not like you care enough to make it stop.”
Duo had suddenly found himself on the ground, both his arms tingling with the return of blood. Standing up on shaky feet, Duo had approached him and put his hand on his shoulder. It had probably been to comfort him but he hadn’t wanted comfort, he wanted the pain to go away, to stop feeling like a secret object that a person kept at home because they were ashamed to show there friends.
He hadn’t meant to punch Duo in the gut, but the touch had been unwelcome. “Don’t touch me. You have no right.”
Duo wheezed for a few seconds as he caught his breath. “What are you talking about Heero? Of course I care, I want to help you get rid of the pain, but I need to know what’s causing it.”
“You are!” Heero exclaimed. “You are the cause of my pain!” Duo looked at him in bewilderment, not knowing what to say. “Every time you go out with out me I sit here and wonder if you’re meeting someone else or if you just don’t want me around. You never ask me if I want to go to the bar with you. I feel like you’re ashamed of me!” He finished as he leaned against the opposite wall in defeat. “Did it ever occur to you that maybe I just wanted to be with you, Duo?”
“Oh Heero, never. I just assumed that you wouldn’t want to go because you never used to.” Duo explained as he walked up to the boy, ignoring the aches in his arms and gut.
He’d been beyond reasoning that night, it wouldn’t have mattered what Duo has said to him. He’d heard what Duo has been saying but that meaning of the words hadn’t registered until much later. “I said don’t touch me!” Heero restated, his voice cold and detached, as he shoved Duo away from him. As he watched Duo met the wall, the haze that had enveloped him cleared and he felt panic taking over. Duo slid down to the floor, trying to catch his breath and looking at him with betrayal in his eyes. He’d never purposely shoved Duo away from him with such force and it had never been done to cause pain. Slowly Duo’s eyes slipped closed, the blow to his head when he’d hit the wall knocking him unconscious.
He had grabbed his coat, and wallet before running out of the house.
Heero shook his head to clear his thoughts. He’d been utterly disgusted with himself, still was. How he had managed to lose control like that, he did not know but leaving was the only option.
He’d wandered around aimlessly for hours afterwards, replaying the events repeatedly, knowing he’d overreacted. Of course, it was too late now, he wouldn’t be able to go back, and so instead of staying in the city, he’d hailed a cab and gave the man instructions to take him to the bus terminal. Paying the fair, he’d walked into the building and bought a ticket for the furthest place away from Chicago.
“I’ve found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you”
He’d found himself in some small town in Canada a few days later, not really caring about the fact that he had no clothing or personal possessions. After all, all they would do was remind him of his life with Duo. It was easier to start over, and maybe one day he would be worthy of Duo’s forgiveness.
It had started out fairly well, but slowly things settled down and he began to notice the silence and loneliness that seemed to take up permanent residence in his apartment.
That’s when he’d turned to the alcohol, hearing from word of mouth that it was a sweet release from loneliness’ tight grip. He hadn’t even thought of the consequences in drinking so much, he’d just wanted oblivion from his thoughts and the emptiness he constantly felt. He didn’t have to worry about employment, having pilfered enough money from the Alliance and Oz to last him quite some time. So all he did was go out, buy his alcohol, come home, and drink it.
He’d been intoxicated almost twenty-four hours a day, the only time he wasn’t drinking was when he was passed out. Of course, he also ate and at first, it had only been enough drinks to numb the pain. However, slowly the effects of the alcohol diminished and he’d resorted to increasing the amount to more and more.
Heero rubbed his hands across his eyes, a sign that he was tired and stressed. Memories were usually never pleasant in his care and even those there were usually involved Duo, which would bring on the bad ones.
“I’m not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know”
Today had been originally supposed to relax him; instead, he had gone all melancholic over the past once again. His memories normally weren’t so vivid, but seeing Duo earlier on probably played a large factor in that though.
He hadn’t meant to talk to the boy. He’d only planned on going to the opening ceremony of the orphanage and get a glimpse of the man he still loved with all his heart. Watching Duo speak to the large crowed of people had filled him with such pride. That was quickly replaced by sorrow, knowing that he wouldn’t be the one to celebrate his success. From his spot at the very back of he crowd, he’d spotted Quatre, Trowa and Wufei off to the side of the podium, offering their silent support. He’d almost been jealous of his friends but he’d come to his senses, knowing that he’d given up that position years ago. He’d turned his attention back to Duo just as the boy spotted him in the crowd. The American faltered slightly, covering it up by clearing his throat.
It did the purpose it was supposed to and the crowd continued to vividly listen. It did, however, catch the three other pilots attention and they had all looked in the direction that Duo had been looking in. It didn’t take them long to spot him, from his vantage point he couldn’t clearly see their expressions but he was sure that there was some shock present and probably some anger as well.
His cue to leave was when Trowa and Wufei started walking in his general direction. They made it look like they were just checking the area but he’d known better. Wanting to listen to the rest of Duo’s speech conflicted with his desire to avoid confrontation and the desire for avoidance won out. Why bring up the past when it could be avoided.
He’d made it as far as his rental car before he felt a hand on his shoulder. He’d glanced briefly behind him to notice that it was Trowa’s hand.
“Long time no see, Heero.” Had been Trowa’s greeting. He hadn’t responded.
“Yes it has, hasn’t it? What is it going on now? Almost two years?” Wufei added as he leaned against the back seat door.
“No, I would have to say almost three, a phone call in the middle of the night hardly qualifies as keeping in touch.” Trowa replied smoothly. Heero shrugged the hand off his shoulder, he didn’t need this. All he wanted was to go home to his empty apartment and wallow in self hatred. Why couldn’t they just leave him alone? He was doing fine without them and he didn’t want them involved in his life.
*Liar* A voice deep down told him. *You want them to accept you and be your friend again. You’re just too proud to admit it. But it’s ok to think like that, after all, who would want to be your friend* The voice taunted.
‘Oh would you piss off, I don’t need you either.’ He told the inner voice as he opened the driver side door with jerky motions.
“Don’t get into that car, Heero,” Wufei warned.
“Why not? It’s not like I’m need around here. I only came to Chicago on business, not to cause more shit.” Heero informed the two, although he did not step into the car just yet.
“And your business involves Duo how?” Trowa questioned neutrally.
Heero sighed before he answered. “It doesn’t.”
“Then why are you here?” Trowa questioned as he waved his hand in the general direction of the ceremony.
“I’m here because I was reading about it this morning and this,” he waved vaguely in the direction of the orphanage and crowd, “caught my attention. I have a train to catch, so the faster you let me go, the faster I can leave Chicago and never come back.” He was sure some of his emotions had flashed in his eyes but now he didn’t care. He wanted to get as far away as possible from the people he’d called friends those many years ago. This hurt to much.
It was Wufei’s turn to speak as he looked at Heero with sad eyes. “Why is it that you avoid us, Heero? Did we do something to offend you? Because if we did, let us know.” The sincerity in those words seemed to have opened the doors Heero had shut those many years ago.
He looked at them with such sadness that they both took a step back in shock. “No Wufei, you never did anything to me. I’m just ashamed of myself for what I’ve done and I have no right of being remotely around you. If I had even had the slightest notion that any of you were still in Chicago and that there was a possibility of running into any of you , I would never have come. I have no right to speak to you and I truly have no right to even look at Duo. I have wronged him in the past and have paid dearly for it. What right do I have to associate with people I care about if all I do is push them away and hurt them? I’m sure Duo’s told you the circumstances as to why we broke up and those alone keep me from trying to keep in touch. I don’t deserve his forgiveness and I don’t deserve your friendship,” Heero sighed, he was sure they didn’t understand his feelings and reasons, and he didn’t really care. All he wanted to do was leave.
“I think you are wrong about many things Heero,” Wufei started. “You may have done some stupid things in the past, but it’s about time you move on. We don’t hate you, against what you might believe. And even though I don’t know all the gory details about what happened between you and Duo, I’m sure it is not as bad as to leave the state and cut off all contact with us.” Wufei gave him a reassuring smile.
Heero’s bark of laughter startled them.
“No? So you know what? That we had a fight and I left?” Wufei nodded, Heero glanced at Trowa. “You didn’t tell everything?” Trowa shook his head, he brought his attention back to Wufei. “God, I wouldn’t leave over something as small as that. Do you really want to know why I left?” The Chinese man nodded. “I punched him and after that I pushed him into a wall. He hit it hard enough that he passed out. I hurt the one person I’d sworn I would never let harm come to. Can you still say you want me as a friend and honestly mean it?”
His question went unanswered as footsteps approaching drew their attention away from their topic. Walking towards them was Duo and he looked non too pleased. He stopped in front of Heero and then startled, both, Trowa and Wufei with his next move. He punched Heero square in the jaw, hard.
“You asshole. How dare you just leave like that? You could have at least apologised for your actions. But no, you had to run away. God, a phone call occasionally would have been nice, to someone at least, you know. At least I would have known you were still alive.” Duo stated angrily. Wufei and Trowa had snuck away after he’d hit Heero and they were no where in sight.
Heero gave him a glare and retorted. “Had the roles been reversed, would you have called? I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror, let alone call someone.” He rubbed his jaw with the back of his hand.
“Why are you here, Heero?” Duo asked after taking a few deep breaths to calm himself down.
Heero let out a frustrated sigh. “Why does everyone keep asking me that?” He questioned, and continued on to answer the question as he watched Duo open his mouth to retort with, most probably, some sarcastic remark. “Because I’m on business, not to see you or interrupt your wonderfully peaceful life. I didn’t even know you still lived in Chicago. And frankly, the chances of actually seeing you had been quite slim. I’m leaving this afternoon for home and if I offend you so much that I can’t even do my job, then I’ll cancel all deals that I have closed this week and stay out of Chicago all together.” Heero was fuming by then and he’d barely started. Who were they to demand why he was there. “Or maybe I can call next time, to let you know I’m still alive, of course, and ask what your schedule is, so that I can avoid all those spots at that time. After all, it couldn’t possibly be a free country for the ‘Perfect Soldier’. What would he know about freedom anyway?” He slammed the car door shut.” Since I’m here and so are you, I might as well apologize for everything I’ve done that’s ever offended or hurt you. So here it goes, I’m sorry Duo, for what happened three years ago, for not keeping in tough afterwards because I could barely live with myself. And while I’m at it, I’m sorry for ever existing, being the ‘Perfect Soldier’ and not being human enough for you to love me more and want to spend time with me,” Heero finished bitterly. “I’m sorry for it all. If it would make you happy but obviously me being here does not elicit such feelings, so I’ll take my leave of you.” Heero turned his back on the other man, trying his hardest to stop the tears that had formed from falling.
Reaching for the car door handle, Heero took a deep breath to calm himself. Duo’s voice made him pause in his actions. Or rather, the tone of Duo’s voice made him pause.
“Heero, wait, don’t leave again. At least not yet.” He sounded almost lost but it must have been his imagination, what could Duo have anything to be lost over? “I’m sorry, you have every right to be here and I guess it’s really none of my business. Don’t close your deals because of me.”
“I found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you”
“What do you want from me Duo? I can only change so much, before I’m no longer me. I did not come here to quarrel with you. All I want to do is go home and be as happy as I can be.” Heero ran his hand through his bangs. “Did Trowa ever tell you about the night that I called him?” He wasn’t surprised when Duo nodded slightly.
“I heard bits and pieces of it but not all. Trowa had pretty much said something along the lines of you being a complete wreck.”
“Well, that pretty much sums up that night and many before that. Wallowing in self pity with alcohol as your only companion, is not a good idea. Alcoholism sucks. I still attended the AA meetings, for myself and for the friends that I’ve made there. I was a mess then and it took a while to recover.” Heero let out a small sigh. “I don’t even know why I’m telling you all this.” He trailed off as he watched Duo intently for the boy’s reaction.
Nothing short of shock played across the boys features. “You were an alcoholic? Trowa didn’t really go into detail about why you were a wreck. What made you decide to go the sober way? If you don’t mind me asking.”
Heero hesitated slightly, not really wanting to tell the boy that he’d been the reason why. “The night I called Trowa, he said something that I’ve never forgotten. ‘Find a reason to start over new and change.’ To be honest on my way to sobriety, I almost gave and went back to the alcohol but something made me stop and rethink my actions.” Another sigh, these were really starting to become a habit.
“What did you find to help you?” Duo asked him. Whatever had made Heero Yuy change his mind , it must have been truly important to the boy. Heero gave him a reserved look; he did not really want to tell the boy that he was the reason why he changed his path.
“I found a reason to show
A side of me you didn’t know
A reason for all that I do”
“I need to get going Duo. I have a train to catch and a car to return before that.” He smiled slightly. “It was nice seeing you again.” He opened the car door and glanced at Duo as he got into the rental car.
Duo stood there, watching him with sadness in his eyes before he shook himself out of it. “Yeah, I’m glad you’re well, Heero. Oh and Heero, I’m sorry as well, for not being as attentive or observant as I should have been.”
Heero gave him a smile as he closed the door. Starting the engine, he glanced at Duo again. On impulse he rolled down his window to say something to the other. “Duo, encase you’re wondering, the reason I stopped drinking and got my act together…” He paused slightly, what better time to show Duo a different side of himself then now when he had the chance. He waited for the boy to nod and continued before he lost his nerve. “It was you. Maybe we can meet up for lunch some day, See ya.” With that, he drove away, leaving the other standing alone in the parking lot.
Heero looked up as he heard his train number being announced over the intercom. It was time to go. He smiled to himself as he boarded the train and found a seat. He truly did hope to see Duo again and maybe the next time it would be a planned visit. But for now he would have to be content with what had been achieved today, as unexpected as it had been. Maybe they could be friends again. He wouldn’t even think of the prospect of more until much, much later. Leaning back into the comfortable chair, he closed his eyes and relaxed, life definitely looked better already.
“And the reason is you”
~Owari~