Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Black Heart, Wounded Soul ❯ To Conquer Then Lose ( Chapter 1 )

Disclaimers: I own nada of the Gundam boys. Sunshine, Sotsu and others do. Hey! Who wants to go on a killing spree? No one? Oh. Okay.

Author: Shinigami's Oni

Muses: Fadd, Miggles, Nanashi and Rindy Rudey.

Pairings: 1x2x1, 3x4x3 and 5x13. (If included, Trowa, Quatre etc will only be mentioned as secondary characters).

Rating: R

Flashbacks: //

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To Conquer Then Lose.



As I gaze around the house that we share, I realise how lucky I am to have him. I refuse to let him participate in the demonstration; I will not have him die. For me to die is not a problem, but I shall not let him die when he has so much to give to the world. I smile faintly as my stare falls upon the bed. We have spent many nights in that bed, making love then falling asleep in each other's arms. He is my angel and I will always remain with him no matter what happens. Walking over to the bed I lower myself down on it, the springs creaking slightly in protest as I lie down. I close my eyes and relish the silence. All I do is think. I think of how beautiful he is and all his traits, it is not merely enough for me to remember them, I must picture them also in my mind.

I had been surprised when I learnt that he loved me. It had been a strange thing for my mind to come to terms with and, in the beginning I did not even know whether I loved him. My body had responded strangely to the knowledge of love and at first I had fought against it. Merely touching him was enough for me; I never touched him in public, only in the privacy of our home. I would not even touch him in front of the other Gundam pilots who knew that we were engaging in a relationship. In a way I was embarrassed with myself. Inside I knew that it was right to touch the person you love in public, but it just did not seem correct in my mind. I believe that he respected my wishes and in return would not throw himself upon me in public, but would keep a respectable distance between us. After six months into our relationship, I ventured the first kiss. I remember it quite clearly...

//We had been watching T.V and I had been able tell that he was bored. I had my arm around his shoulder and his head was buried in my chest, how had I been able to tell that he was bored? Well, that was down to careful monitoring of his emotions. When scared or bored he would play with the end of his braid and that was what he had been doing at that precise minute. He had been plucking at the fine strands with his fingers, then twirling the said hair about the end of his digits. I had sighed and shifted slightly, he had tensed for a moment then had settled down again. I had murmured his name and he had turned his head to look up at me. "Yes Heero?" He had ventured timidly, his eyes flickering from the T.V screen to my face.

I had gazed down into his heart shaped face. Those exquisite deep blue eyes that nearly melted to violet stared up at me; his lips had formed a sort of questioning pout. I had thought then how beautiful he was and how stupid I had been to ignore him for all this time. "Nothing." I had replied and thought that he had looked vaguely disappointed at my remark. He had let out a deep sigh then began to turn his head back to the T.V screen. "No! Wait." I had bitten my lower lip as he had gazed up at me, a surprised look etched upon his face. He had cocked his head to one side, merely examining me, obviously attempting to work out the reason behind my strange behaviour.

I had admitted to myself that I found him enchanting. The radiance reflected in those rare coloured eyes. The high, delicate cheekbones in a face that never appeared to age a day. His skin, a pale golden colour reflected his health and also enhanced his beauty. Chestnut hair that was tied back into a braid, that, oddly enough, suited him. On anyone else it would look stupid, but he managed to pull it off with ease. The way he moved. The elegance and fluency of a cat as he prowled warily around the house, around me. The cheerful smile that he wore as a mask, yet deep down inside he was just as quiet and solitude as I or Trowa are.

"Heero?" His lovely, deep voice had cut through my thoughts and I had blinked dazedly before I looked down upon him. I had tried a tentative smile and he had gawked. Reaching out my trembling hand, I had brushed over the silken skin of his cheek and his eyes had grown wide under the contact. Encouraged by the rising blush on his cheeks, I had let my whole hand cup the left side of his face. His violet eyes had never left my blue ones as we stared at each other. I had felt as if I was attending the ritual of our souls entwining and becoming one. "I love you." He had whispered as encouragement to my burning ears.

I had frowned slightly inside. I was still coming to terms with our relationship and yet here he had been telling me that he loved me. I had taken a deep breath then had leaned forward towards him. I had heard his sharp intake of breath and a pair of hands resting on my shoulders, I had thought that he was going to push me away, but instead he had pulled me closer to his body. I had felt his quickening heartbeat against my chest and warm breath against my face as I had closed the gap between us.

Leaning forward I had watched as his eyes had slid shut under the closeness of my face to his. His lips had parted slightly and I had felt his hot breath upon my face as I had closed my eyes also and pressed a gentle kiss to each of his eyelids, hearing him inhale sharply under my lip's caress on his sensitive skin. I still had one of my hands clasping his face and didn't remove it throughout the encounter. I had trailed my lips down to his right cheek, applying a slight amount of pressure as I kiss the silken surface. My lips had been dry from nervousness, as I had pressed them to him. The skin of his cheek had sunk inwards under my lips and I had smelt a fresh fragrance on its surface. I had then moved over to the other cheek and had given it the same attention. Pulling back slightly, I had seen the pink tint to Duo's cheeks his lips still partly open. I had found them enchanting and just stared, I had felt Duo stir slightly and his eyelids had flickered as if to open. 'No,' was all I had thought, then, again I acted on impulse.

Carefully leaning back in towards Duo's body, I had flicked out my tongue and had gently traced his lip's outline with the tip of my tongue, relishing in the shudder that had convulsed Duo's body. Taking advantage of his open mouth, I had pressed my mouth to his at a slanted angle and had allowed my tongue to slide into his mouth. I had heard a startled gurgle from Duo and I had known that his eyes had opened, but I had ignored their gaze and continued my gentle ministration upon my love. In the end I had felt his body relaxing and his arms had wrapped around my neck, pulling me close to his body. The warmth inside his mouth was incredible, the fact that he was now willingly pressed against me in love aroused me and I had felt a sudden burst of blinding heat centring in my groin.

I had carefully explored his warm mouth, gently running my tongue along the jagged edges of his teeth. My tongue, having enough of exploring his mouth, had leapt forward, eager to find Duo's dialect. As our tongues had met, I had felt a lightning bolt of pleasure snap down my spine, I had shivered, and had wanted to know how Duo could do this to me. Gently, Duo had rolled the tip of his tongue around my own and I had gasped. Duo had guessed that this was my first kiss and so he had taken control. Slowly Duo had embraced my tongue more, taking up its length and had then coaxed me into rolling my tongue around his. Duo had pulled back in the end, taking my lower lip between his teeth and nibbling upon it like candy. When Duo had let go he had looked down at my face panting. Being Japanese I am incredibly petite next to Duo. My final height of 5 foot 4 had been confirmed and Duo had reached 5 foot 8 and was still growing. I had gazed up with dazed eyes to see the reaction on Duo's face; I had been pleased with his look. Passion fogged eyes stared down at me from a flushed heart shape face. Duo's fringe fell over his eyes, lips parted, emitting harsh pants and his chest heaving from our long kiss. //

That was I counted as our first kiss. Rolling over on the bed, I bury my nose into your pillow and inhale deeply. Your scent of coconut and mint from your shampoo and conditioner hung in a cloud around the pillow. The smell that is you personally, one of spice and herbs is apart of this room, a part of me. The musky, manly scent that rolls off your body in waves when we have sex envelops me. I can feel your presence beside me, even though you are so far away.

Back then we had slept in different beds, but we still had nightmares. Sometimes Duo would have a dream about the Maxwell Church Massacre and would start screaming in his sleep. I would get out of bed and go over to his own, holding him close to my body. He would bury his face in my chest and have his arms wrapped tightly around my waist, his tears dampening my skin. I would stroke his hair and rock him backwards and forwards, he nearly always calmed down after I performed this exercise, the tears diminishing, but trembling intensifying. I would then carry him to my bed, he was in no condition to walk by himself and I would hold him until the trembling subsided. He would fall asleep curled up in a ball, head resting against my chest. That was the only closeness that I would allow, sympathy comfort, not love comfort.

I sit up on the bed and look out of the window, a lone bird flew by the window and I watched it until it was out of sight. In a way I envied the bird, it could fly wherever it pleased without restrictions. I sighed; the colony that Duo and I were staying on wasn't so care free. The people were involved in protest against the Government and I was a part of it. Today I had agreed that I would be taking part in the demonstration, but Duo would not be for health reasons, everyone at the meet had sympathised and wished him good luck. What the real reason was though was that I didn't want Duo to be hurt, he also didn't know that this demonstration would, almost certainly, result in my death.

I want you to come in here, to hold me whilst I forget about the protest, forget about everything except you and the baby. The protest is something that won't go away though, the Government plan to destroy civilian houses, including Duo and mine's, to make way for a Palace. The colonies Government wants this world to become a colony ruled under by a sovereign, but the people don't want that. They want a colony ruled by them so that they can work out the best way to go forward.

The Government however is powerful and the people are weak. The Government has any surviving Oz soldiers on their side and they have been training whereas the people have not. In reality they know that they will lose, they are just too afraid to admit it and I shall die alongside them fighting for the right to live your own life. It is something I have always wanted to do and I shall be proud to die fighting for something that I believe in.

I smiled, I wanted my angel and child to be safe so I had contacted Une and she had said that she would be more than willing to come along and pick Duo up. She also said that she would bring Sally along to help Duo through his pregnancy and also to help me if I survived. I thanked her but told her that it wouldn't be necessary, although I still have a feeling that she went against my wishes anyway.

//A year into our relationship and I had only just coming into terms with holding hands with Duo in public. I think that he was perhaps annoyed that it had taken me a whole year to become comfortable with just holding hands with him. We had been to the park on Duo's nineteenth birthday. I was still the same short arse; Duo was 5 foot 6 inches, which meant that he was 9 inches taller than I was. I was insulted by my height, Trowa, last time I heard had stopped at a monstrous 5 foot ten, Quatre was 5 foot 6 inches and Wufei was 5 foot 10 as well. Basically, I was the shortest and it pissed me off. The park was crowded with people and Duo and I had been sitting on a bench eating. Well, I wasn't, but Duo was. Trust that braided baka to be stuffing his face on his birthday. After he had finished eating his slice of triple chocolate fudge cake, he gazed at me expectantly.

I had fidgeted slightly under his stare then fished in my coat pocket. I had smiled inwardly and retrieved the gift from my pocket. "Close your eyes." I had whispered, fascinated as he had blinked slowly once then did as I had bade. I had taken his right hand and had lain it flat out, people had crowded around our bench and I had motioned them away. They had done after giving me a pleading stare, but I had shaken my head no. I had stood up from the bench and knelt down in front of him. I had seen a wavering look of uncertainty flee across his face, but then it was gone.

"Hee-chan?" Duo's voice had wavered uncertainly and I had smiled and taken his hand, placing a gentle kiss to the back of it. Removing my hand from Duo's, I had opened the small box in my hand and gazed down at the ring that glistened in the velvet cushion. Taking the ring from the box and poising it before Duo's ring finger on his left hand.

"Duo, Open your eyes." His eyes had opened slowly and he gazed down in shock at the ring.

"Hee...Heero. I..." I had placed a finger to his lips and he had silenced.

"Duo Maxwell, will you marry me?" I had asked, my eyes never leaving his face as I did so. He had blinked again slowly and then had shaken his head no. I had felt shattered; what ever had I done to embarrass myself this way. I blinked back tears, I couldn't believe it.

"Heero?" I had heard his heavenly voice and looked up in spite of my tears. I had scowled; I had felt like a complete idiot and had said so. He had smiled sorrowfully down at me then shook his head. "I am sorry Heero, but I'm just not ready for that kind of commitment yet." He had reached out and cupped my face in his hand, "But I am ready for this commitment." Duo had leant in and pressed his lips to mine in a pulsing kiss, regardless of the jeers and taunts we were receiving from the crowd. I had felt the ring being taken from me, then the cold metal being slipped onto my finger. I had broken away from the kiss startled. Looking up into his eyes confusedly, I had noticed the smile on his face. "This is my commitment. Heero Yuy, will YOU marry ME?"

I had blinked, stunned beyond believe. Did Duo realise what that meant to me? I had fiercely blinked back tears and then throw my arms around his neck, pressing kiss after kiss to his lips. He had kissed back, totally undemanding, which annoyed me somewhat. I had pulled back from the kiss pouting and had folded my arms across my chest. His eyebrows had raised and I had known that he was silently asking me whether I accepted. I had nodded, I could not speak, and I was still in shock. Duo's face broke into a heavenly smile and he had whooped with joy. Standing up he had swept me off my feet and cradled me in his arms, gently pressing a kiss to my cheek. //

We are getting married in the year 200 A.C. on my birthday, when I become the age of twenty. Duo will be twenty-one. Duo has arranged for a honeymoon in Japan and I am happy. It was the 9th of January when Duo had proposed to me.

Fourteen months into our relationship and two months into our engagement, we made love together for the first time. Duo had been wonderful, he had taught me everything I would ever need to know in one night and then, a month later, and I learned an astonishing fact about Duo. He was pregnant. He had the ability to create and carry children.

//A month after the first time we had had sex, Duo had been snuggling up against my chest. We had just made love, we did that quite frequently back then actually, hell, and we have high sex drives! I had been dozing off when my hand had brushed across Duo's abdomen. He had gasped and sat up quicker than a bolt of grease lightning, just staring at me warily. I had frowned, this was not the first time that I had touched his stomach and he had appeared worried. "Duo? What is wrong?" I had stared confusedly up at him, and then he had broken down into tears. I had been frightened, but I had not shown it. I had pulled his unresisting form to my body, pulling the sheets around us and just rocked him backwards and forwards. When he had calmed down a little, he looked up at me and gave a weak smile.

"Heero. There is something that I need to tell you." Duo had sat up and leant back on the headboard, sighing heavily. I had frowned and waited patiently for him to continue. "When I was little, my foster parent G liked to do experiments on anything that had a pulse. He came to the orphanage looking for me, claiming that a scientific genius J had managed to detect the signs of both sexes reproductive organs in me. To be blunt, on the outside I have the male genitalia and on the inside I have the female womb and ovaries. Don't ask me how, I just do okay? Anyway, my body is basically more complex than most and so that is why I have a phobia of hospitals. I don't want them to find out about me.

G had liked the looks of me and had believed in J's theory so he adopted me. Four years passed before G was informed by the daily tests that he performed on me, that my eggs had fully matured and I could now carry children. The strange thing is that the eggs don't break down, they stay intact until they are fertilised by a male sperm. G had learned from J that it couldn't be just anyone that could produce children in me, it had to someone I loved. That was one thing G hadn't believed, he had paid men to sleep with me and ejaculate sperm into me to create life, but it just didn't work out that way.

The first guy that I had had to sleep with seemed nice; he wasn't attempting to hurt me. I had thought I loved him, but my body had obviously thought otherwise. When he ejaculated sperm into my body I produced an acid that killed off the sperm in less than ten seconds, G had been infuriated. I had been starved for a week, but every time I had sex, the same thing happened, I would produce this acid that would kill off the sperm. In the end G became so desperate that he had allowed men to rape me, thinking that perhaps if my body was too weak that I would not produce the acid. It didn't work though. No matter how many men raped me, my egg wasn't fertilised and so I had not become pregnant.

During the war when I had met you, I had realised that I loved you soon afterwards. When you slept with me a month ago I had thought that my body would reject your sperm, but it turns out that it didn't. I am carrying your child Heero."

Duo had stopped speaking, he was avoiding making eye contact with me and I had felt weak at all this sudden knowledge, and my fiancé was pregnant. I had heard a broken sob and had looked sharply to my right. Duo was there, his face buried in his hands and his body shuddering with sobs. I had thought, 'I have a baby!' I had smiled as Duo looked up and he gaped. Duo had pointed to my smile and tried one of his own. I was happy with the knowledge that my boyfriend could create life. I had begun to laugh and Duo just stared dumbstruck at me, telling me that I wasn't his Hee-chan, I was an impostor. I had laughed harder and reached out to my angel, pulling him closer to me, burying my face in his hair. I think that Duo was more shocked than me at the news of a baby coming.

I had pulled back from his neck, pressing a kiss to his lips. "Aishiteru Duo. Arigato tenshi." I had kissed his face feverishly, it didn't matter to me that he was pregnant, he was still my Duo. He had kissed back just as desperately, I don't think that he realised quite yet that I wasn't going to give him up. Being careful as to not hurt my angel, I had guided him to lie back down on the bed and positioned myself carefully above him. Never breaking his gaze, I had ducked my head and kissed him fiercely, he was mine.

Our lips still in a pulsing kiss I had gently penetrated the confines of his body, his passage still well slicked from our earlier lovemaking. He had gasped and broke from the kiss, his eyes filled with confusion. "Heero. Why?" I had smiled, Duo had honestly thought that I was going to leave him. I had bent down and whispered into his ear.

"You are mine and nothing will take you away from me." I had felt the shudder that runs through his body as I had whispered those words filled with heat and possessiveness. We had made love again to each other again and then we had fallen asleep in each other's arms, our love strengthened by the new life in Duo. //



The bedroom door opens quietly and I open my eyes to gaze up into the beautiful dark orbs of my lover. He smiles down at me and I smile back, the utter devotion and innocence reflected in those eyes never ceases to amaze me. He bends down and gently presses his lips against mine in a teasing, wheedling type of gesture. I know what this kiss is begging for, but I refuse to change my mind on the situation. Tearing himself away from me is never easy for Duo, but he always manage to do it somehow. "Hey, Hee-chan, baby. How about letting me go with you on this demonstration, hmmm?"

I groan, Duo is running his hands up and down my thighs, gently pressing a hand to my groin and stroking my arousal through my jeans. He knows the thought of sex usually makes me agree to anything, but not this time. I grasp his hand and remove it daintily from my arousal; he pouts, folding his arms across his chest. Looking at me from puppy dog eyes, that appears to make me look evil. Well, I know better. I know that Duo is in fact a very spoilt puppy when it comes to having sex.

I sit up on the bed and put my arms around his waist, pulling his body close to my own. Duo makes a surprised sound in his throat but lets me rest my head on his stomach. I close my eyes and listen for the sound of my baby in my love's stomach. I know that you cannot hear them, but to me that does not matter. Just the closeness to your unborn child and the person you love is enough for me, I have the fearful knowledge that I may not come back alive from the demonstration, so this time is precious to me. I sigh and turn my head away, as I do I press a gentle kiss to Duo's stomach through the T-shirt he is wearing. I stand up, my head only reaching his chest and he smiles teasingly at this knowledge. Then the smile falters. "Please Heero. Let me come with you baby." He pleads, I smile and turn back round.

"No Duo. I am sorry but my decision stands final." I walk back over to him, I can see the tears glistening in his eyes and I know then that he is afraid. I smile; I don't want him to know that I am frightened too. "Stay here. Look after yourself and the babe." I reach out a hand and place it upon his abdomen, giving a smile as I did so. I look up into his eyes; "I will be back." I mummer, I know that inside I won't and deep down inside I think that Duo knows that this will be the last time he will ever see me. I hear a heartbroken sob from him and I watch, horrified, as he sinks to the floor in a ball.

"Don't leave me Heero. Please don't leave me." Duo whimpers as he trembles on the floor, a bundle of emotions. I run to his side and crouch down beside him, cradling his quaking body in my arms.

"Ssshhh Duo." I press kisses to the top of his head, inhaling the scent of coconut in his hair. I let out a deep sigh and close my eyes; I don't want to leave not when my life has become so perfect. I have a lover, I am engaged and I have a unborn child who may never know me.

"Wha...what shall I call it?" Duo sniffles as he turns his head to look up into my now watering eyes.

"If it is a girl call it Rei and if a boy call it Solo." I whisper, Duo nods and we sit in silence. Silences so quiet that we can both hear the clock downstairs chiming the hour. I slowly detach myself from Duo and he whimpers, his eyes growing wide with fright. His hands form into claws and he grasps my clothes, burying his face into there darkness.

"Please don't go Heero. I love you so much." Duo whimpers into my tank top and I cup his chin in one hand and force his head up. I can see the pitiful, saddening look held in his tear filled eyes and I duck down and press my lips to his forcefully. I need to do this, to still feel his lips upon mine in the demonstration. We kiss long and deep for a few minutes then break apart, our chests heaving and our heavy pants filling the air.

"I love you Duo." I smile at the look of wonderment that brings upon his face and pull myself away from him. He doesn't resist this time and I hold out a hand to help him up. He rises with the grace of a cat, but he already has one hand pressed over his stomach in a protective way. I press one last kiss to his tender lips and one to my baby in my lover's body. Then flashing him one last smile, I leave.

I walk outside, a sudden jolt of realisation tore through my heart. I recall Duo's words. "Wha...what shall I call it?" Not we. I. I smother a sob, I will not cry, I will be strong for Duo and the baby. "Goodbye Duo." I murmur as I prepare myself for the demonstration.

It was the 9th May A.C. 198, at the time 15 hundred hours. A year and four months into our relationship and four months into our engagement when I last saw my fiancé and my unborn child...

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Author's Notes: Laughs nervously. Please don't hurt me. Please, I have a family. All is not what it seems Heero will not die! I refuse to let him die and leave Duo all alone! Just have patience and they will meet again, just under different circumstances. Right! I need help!!! Will someone, at least someone, review my story and tell me whether I should continue or not, please!

TBC...?