Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Bleeding On the Inside ❯ Mother ( Chapter 4 )

Disclaimer: I own nothing except this story.

Warnings: Angst, rape, yaoi, and eventual 3x4/1x2 content.

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MOTHER

Go go go go now

out of the nest it's time

go go go now

circus girl without a safety net

here here now don't cry

you raised your hand for the assignment

tuck those ribbons under your helmet

be a good soldier

first my left foot then my right behind the other

pantyhose running in the cold

mother the car is here

somebody leave the light on

green limousine for the redhead dancing dancing girl

and when I dance for him

somebody leave the light on

just in just in case I like the dancing

I can remember where I come from

I walked into your dream

and now I've forgotten how to dream my own dream

you are the clever one aren't you

brides in veils for you

we told you all of our secrets

all but one, and don't you even try

the phone has been disconnected

dripping with blood and with time and with your advice

poison me against the moon

mother the car is here

somebody leave the light on

black chariot for the redhead dancing dancing girl

he's gonna change my name

maybe you'll leave the light on

just in just in case I like the dancing

I can remember where I come from

I escape into your escape into

our very favorite fearscape

it's across the sky and across my heart and I

crossed my legs oh my god

first my left foot then my right behind the other

breadcrumbs lost under the snow

Tori Amos

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Bleeding On The Inside - Chapter 4 - Mother

"NO!"

"Quatre…" Duo hovered uneasily above his friend, not wanting to shake or touch the traumatized boy for fear of causing more damage. But Quatre wasn't waking up, no matter how loudly he called, and Duo just couldn't stand there and listen to his anguished screams one moment longer. He made his decision quickly.

"It's okay Quatre," he said, placing a hand gently on the blonde's shoulder and shaking it slightly. "You're safe now. Wake up. You're dreaming Quatre. Wake up."

Quatre's eyes snapped open and he recoiled automatically from Duo's hand, curling into a fetal position. Duo withdrew his hand and backed away, slowly, wanting Quatre to feel comfortable and safe.

"It's okay," he said soothingly. "You were dreaming Quatre. You're safe now. Heero, Wufei, and I won't let anything happen to you."

Quatre sat up a bit, peeking out from the hands that he had brought up to protect his head. His eyes were fearful and hopeful at the same time.

"A dream?" he questioned. "Then it was all a dream?"

Duo sat down on the bed, moving slowly so Quatre wouldn't be frightened.

"Not everything was a dream, Quatre." Duo said, gently. "But…" he seemed to falter for a second, "we're all gonna help you through this, okay?"

Quatre looked down at his arm and saw the ugly bruise discolouring his pale skin. He reached up to his neck and felt the bandage under his fingertips. He felt the burning pain deep inside himself. And he knew that it wasn't a dream.

"How?" he whispered. "How are you going to help me? It's too late now. You can't save me now. It's done. I'm soiled. I'm-"

"Don't." Duo said, frowning. "You're not soiled. You're still the same Quatre I've always admired and counted on. This. Was. Not. Your. Fault. How many times do I have to say it until you start to believe me?"

Quatre fell silent, avoiding Duo's gaze. They sat still for a few awkward moments before Duo stood up.

"Do you…want me to get you anything? Some food? A glass of water? Anything?" he asked.

Quatre shook his head. He didn't think he could eat ever again. All he wanted to do was forget.

"Well then…" Duo paused, nervous. "You should go back to sleep. You need to rest-"

Quatre's eyes widened in fear and he grabbed onto Duo's hand to keep him from walking out of the room.

"Please," he begged. "I don't want to be alone again. I don't want to close my eyes again. Please stay with me!"

Duo's eyes softened and he sat down again, placing an arm around Quatre's shoulders, moving slowly so that the boy could stop him at any time.

"Of course I'll stay with you. But you really should rest Quatre. You can't stay awake forever. And you need to eat something soon too. You haven't had anything since breakfast."

"Later," Quatre promised. "I'll eat later. But I really can't now Duo."

Duo sighed and pulled some covers up over the two of them.

"All right," he said. "I won't force you Q-man. Try to sleep, please? I'm right here and nothing can harm you now so don't be afraid."

Quatre nodded but he kept his eyes open and glued to the ceiling. He couldn't risk having another nightmare.

Duo held the tense boy carefully, wanting more than anything to erase the fear and hurt that he could see in his eyes. He thought about Heero and Wufei waiting downstairs for him to come back, knowing that they would be worried. But Duo wasn't about to leave Quatre when he was so afraid. The others would just have to wait.

"Duo?"

Duo turned his head to smile at Quatre.

"Yes?"

"Where's Trowa?"

Duo frowned.

"I don't really know. He said that he had to help Catherine at the circus with her new routine this morning but I didn't think he'd be this late coming home. But I'm sure that he'll be here soon."

Quatre chewed on his lower lip nervously.

"W-what do you think he'll say when he finds out?" he asked, a tremor in his voice.

"He'll tell you what I did," Duo said firmly. "He'll say that it's not your fault and that he loves you."

Quatre nodded, but he looked uncertain and his eyes did not close in relief. They lay there, together, Duo's arms holding Quatre comfortingly. For a while, the only sound in the room was the gentle sigh of Duo and Quatre's breathing. And while Duo's eyes closed in brief slumber…Quatre's never did.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"What do you think's happening up there?" Heero asked, looking up the stairs to where Quatre's room was located. Wufei just shrugged in reply, his gaze also wandering to the direction of those shrieks of terror.

The screams had been silenced long ago but Duo hadn't re-emerged yet and the remaining pilots were getting worried. Was Quatre okay?

Heero snorted to himself bitterly.'Of course he's not okay. No one would be okay after something like that. I know that I'd probably kill myself if that happened to me.'

Heero's stomach knotted at the thought of Quatre committing suicide and he clenched his fists savagely.

'No. He's stronger than that. He'll get through this. He has to…'

"Where is Barton?" Wufei wondered out loud. "He should be back by now. He should be here with Quatre. Why isn't he here?"

"Take it easy Wufei," Heero soothed. "He doesn't know. If he did he would be here in a second. He loves Quatre. You know that."

Wufei sighed and his shoulders drooped in weary acquisition.

"I know. It just bothers me to be sitting around here doing _nothing_ when we could be out finding this guy and-" Wufei stopped his sentence and made a cutting motion across his throat.

Heero nodded and looked at Wufei.

"I feel the same way. But we can't do anything without Quatre's consent. We can't take away the only power he's got left."

Wufei slumped against the wall.

"You're right, Yuy. But I don't like it. I feel so useless."

"Why don't you go see if you can find Trowa," Heero offered. "And I'll search this guy Whittenstaff's records, see if he's done anything like this to anyone else."

Wufei nodded, eager for something constructive to do.

"Don't worry Quatre," he whispered before walking out the door. "I will make sure that you have justice."

Heero silently echoed his promise, sitting down once more at his laptop to take his vexation out on the keys.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Quatre kept his eyes open. They burned and itched and felt so heavy that he longed to close them just for an instant…but images flashed across his vision that made him change his mind. He kept them open.

Duo breathed quietly next to him. His eyes were closed but he wasn't asleep. He wasn't asleep but his eyes were closed. Quatre kept his eyes open.

The ceiling was white and harsh against his gaze. There were tiny holes in its surface. Quatre counted them. White blinding white and the little black holes that were quickly blurring in his vision, melting together, forming a black hole, a vortex, a space of nothing inside himself, outside himself, all around blackness, whiteness, blinding…

Quatre kept his eyes open.

Tears formed and fell, salty droplets of water, soaking him, soaking the pillow, washing away everything, leaving him with nothing except this burning emptiness. He was stone, cold stone…but stone didn't hurt like this, stone didn't cry like this, stone didn't burn inside like this. He was ice, melting ice, and soon there would be nothing left of him but saltwater crystal. He was dead but the dead didn't breathe or cry or burn so he must be…

He was so tired.

Quatre kept his eyes open.

There was a smell. Dried blood and soap. Sandalwood and antiseptic. And fear. He could smell it, like the sex and violence. It surrounded and suffocated. It poured into him and around him, making him dizzy. It choked him. It took his breath.

Quatre kept his eyes open.

And there was pain, but it wouldn't confine itself to his body. It echoed around the room with its loud colour. It leaked out with his tears. It carved slices from his soul, slowly and carefully, almost clinical. It became him. Or he became pain. It didn't matter anyway. Nothing mattered anyway. Oh but it did, it did…

Quatre kept his eyes open

And the light was on but it was still dark. Or maybe it was he that was dark. Dark golden boy, where are your dreams now? Where is your purity now? Silly boy, there is no snow in the Sahara. There is no release for you. There is no God, really. Where was Allah when you lay broken? Where is Allah while you lie crying? Where is he? Where?

Quatre kept his eyes open.

And still he could not see. Darkness swam before his eyes and a grin…and how, how could a Cheshire cat smile so? And the teeth were sharp and they dripped blood and now the darkness was gone and everything was red, red…

Quatre kept his eyes open.

But in his mind they were closed.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Trowa walked quickly through the streets, dodging the throngs of people surrounding him. Inside a familiar fear gnawed at him and he couldn't explain it. He only knew that he had to get back to Quatre before…/Before what?/ Before…before something…something bad…

It started to rain, hard cool droplets stinging bare flesh. Trowa moved on, running now, a sense of urgency making his muscles scream for a faster pace, his heart already choosing the tempo. Thunder rumbled in the distance and the crowds thinned out but still Trowa ran on. Church bells sounded, lonely and echoing all around and Trowa ran, he ran…/Before, before, before…/

And the bells rang a requiem for ghost souls, happy phantoms with bloody smiles, butterfly spirits, but their wings are torn all torn, and the thunder was coming closer and closer and the wind took his feet, took his breath, took his fear and Trowa ran.

But he didn't run fast enough.