Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Bleeding On the Inside ❯ Scream in Cathedrals ( Chapter 9 )

Disclaimer: I own nothing except this story.

Warnings: Angst, rape, yaoi, and 3x4/1x2 content. Suicidal references.

>>>*<<<

I I E E E

With your E's

and your ease

and I do one more

need a lip gloss boost

in your America

is it God's

is it yours

sweet saliva

with your E's

and your ease

and I do one more

I know we're dying

and there's no sign of a parachute

we scream in cathedrals

why can't it be beautiful

why does there gotta be a sacrifice

just say yes

you little arsonist

you're so sure you can save

every hair on my chest

just say yes

you little arsonist

with your E's

and your ease

and I do one more

well I know we're dying

and there's no sign of a parachute

in this chapel

little chapel of love

can't we get a little grace

and some elegance

no we scream in cathedrals

why can't it be beautiful

why does there

gotta be a sacrifice?

Tori Amos

>>>*<<<Bleeding On the Inside - Chapter 9 - Scream in Cathedrals

After Quatre had calmed a bit, he allowed Heero and Duo to tuck him back into bed with little resistance. He watched dispassionately as Heero silently fed him another of those precious tablets that would allow him to sleep undisturbed. He even smiled, faintly, as a drug induced haze fogged his mind, dragging him down into soft, gentle darkness. He didn't even feel when Duo brushed a tense hand over his forehead.

"We can't keep drugging him, Heero. Sooner or later he's going to have to face the fact that he was…that he…"

Heero glared at Duo, a scowl gracing his normally passive features.

"How the hell do you expect him to accept this when you can't even say the Goddamn word?" he snapped.

Duo's face crumpled and he bit his lip hard, cutting into the tender flesh. Tangy, metallic blood welled up, staining his lips a bright red.

Heero sighed and ran a hand through his unruly mass of hair.

"I'm sorry," he said, sitting down heavily on the corner of Quatre's bed. "I didn't mean that. It's just that this whole situation…"

"I know," Duo said, coming to sit beside him, although a little bit further away then he would have normally sat. Heero noticed this fact and winced, berating himself for his stupidity.

"Heero…do you think he'll ever be okay again?"

Heero shrugged miserably. "I just don't know. I've never…dealt with this before. I never thought I was going to have to. I don't know what to say to him, how to comfort him at all. What if all I'm doing is making things worse? I know we can't keep him drugged forever but I can't stand to see him suffer like this…" Heero laughed bitterly, clenching his hands into fists. "Looks like the Perfect Soldier's just a Perfect Failure."

"Don't say that."

Duo was closer now, his hands resting on top of Heero's fisted ones, his violet eyes looking straight into the prussian blues raised to him.

"This is in no way your fault."

Heero stared back at him, unbelieving.

"Heero…it's not."

Silence.

"It's not!"

"IT IS!" Heero shouted, ripping his hands from Duo's grasp and putting them around himself in a defensive gesture. "You don't understand! I'm the leader. I'm the one who's supposed to look out for the rest of the team. I'm supposed to protect you. I'm supposed to be there and I wasn't, I wasn't there and I'm sorry, so sorry Quatre, that I wasn't there…"

"Shh…" Duo enveloped Heero in a warm embrace and this time, the distraught soldier did not pull away. Instead he hid his face in the juncture between Duo's neck and shoulder and released a series of painful, shuddering breaths. Duo held the boy and rocked him gently, murmuring nonsense words while he stroked the fine hair pressed against his chest. Not one tear fell from those crystalline eyes, although they burned painfully. Even in this brief respite of Duo's arms, Heero could not completely let go. No more than a foot away from them, Quatre slept on, oblivious.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Wufei walked through the muddy streets; not paying any attention to the puddles that swallowed and soaked his feet. He had left the motorcycle parked at a supermarket nearby, not wanting to risk driving it in his shaky state. One hand rose to the reddened and swollen cheek where Trowa's punch had caught him, rubbing softly as if he couldn't believe that it had happened.

'Trowa…what's the matter with you? Why are you acting this way? I know you care about him, so why?'

The rain had stopped, leaving a dusky scent of leftover moisture in the air. Wufei walked aimlessly, letting his feet lead in whatever direction they seemed prone to take. He did not wish to return home. He did not want to face Quatre.'How the hell am I going to explain to him that Trowa isn't coming back when I can't even explain it to myself?'

Wearily, Wufei allowed himself a moment to rest; looking up at the cloud swept sky where the sun was just beginning to peek through. The streets were still empty and quiet, thick fog rising like pale ghosts from the sidewalk. It gave the whole scene an ethereal quality that left Wufei wondering, briefly, if maybe this was all some sort of demented dream brought on by stress and ice cream before bed, and any minute now he would wake up and everything would be normal again.

But…no, his cheek throbbed and ached with real pain. His footsteps echoed off the pavement. His breath misted in the air. If this was a dream, it was unlike any he had ever experienced before.

Wufei kept walking, water droplets soaking into his shirt, causing it to stick to his body uncomfortably. He knew that he probably looked a mess. His hair was surely coming out of its tight ponytail and his cheek was probably a nice purple shade by now.'How…how could this happen? I don't understand this, not at all. What the hell am I doing here?'

Wufei feet stopped and he turned only to find himself in front of the very place he was trying to escape from. The house seemed immense and dark, though it was not particularly large and there were several lights on. Maybe it was just because of the dark secrets it contained…'I didn't want to come back here. Why am I here?'

Wufei sighed and stood on the front lawn, just gazing at the still house. At least he couldn't hear Quatre's terrible screams anymore…

"Like that counts for anything…"

The whisper that came from his lips was harsh. It broke the fragile spell that had held Wufei motionless for so long. Panic struck him now and he turned as if to run back into the streets, away from this horrible place, away from this crushing knowledge that he had, that he didn't want, that he never asked for…

"Wufei!"

Frozen, the Chinese boy could only watch as a braided figure appeared in the window, looking down at him with something akin to relief. He gave a shuddering sigh.

"Duo…"

"Stay there! I'll be down in a moment to let you in," Duo called, his face disappearing from the window, leaving only a brief flash of braid to flicker mockingly at him while he stood there.

In a few moments, Duo was opening the front door and pulling Wufei inside, fussing over his wet clothes and chattering nervously.

"Wufei! I'm so glad you're back, we were getting worried about you. Did you find Trowa? Is he coming? Quatre really needs him right now. I'm not sure how much longer we can keep him calm without getting him addicted to codeine or something…Wufei? Are you okay? Where's Trowa?" Duo tried to peer into Wufei's eyes but a curtain of black hair, loose from its ponytail, had slipped over the boy's face, obscuring his view.

"I…Duo, I…"

"Yes?"

A silence followed, long and tense like fishing wire about to snap.

"I couldn't find Trowa. I'm sorry Duo." Wufei said finally, swallowing hard.

Duo's face fell for a moment, and then he brightened.

"Well he's gotta show up sometime. It's almost six o'clock and he never misses dinner with Quatre," he said confidently.

Wufei nodded his agreement, feeling slightly sick inside.

"Where is Quatre?" he asked, wanting to reassure himself about his friend's safety.

Duo looked troubled, a frown wrinkling his forehead.

"He's upstairs, sleeping. Heero gave him some sleeping tablets a while ago…it's seemed the only way to get him to calm down. I don't know if…Wufei, he cut himself, with a razor."

"What?!"

"Not on the wrists, just the thigh. I don't think he was thinking about suicide…he just wanted to stop the pain…" Duo said, his hands unconsciously wrapping around his braid and twisting the rope of hair.

Wufei looked towards the stairs, an expression of horror on his face.

"God…"

"Wufei…" Duo bent towards the boy, as if telling him a secret, and Wufei leaned back, his hands dripping moisture on the white carpet. "Wufei, I heard Quatre tell Heero…I heard him tell Heero that he wasn't worthy anymore, of Trowa's love."

A flash of anger in Wufei's eyes.

"That's preposterous! He can't actually believe…"

"But he does. That's why we need to get Trowa here as soon as possible. Quatre needs to know that he's not dirty in Trowa's eyes."

Wufei's breath caught and his head drooped, eyes examining the floor with dazed interest. Inside himself emotions battled and he cursed Trowa and himself for what he knew.

Duo saw the self-hatred in Wufei's clenched fists and misinterpreted the reason for it, taking Wufei's hand in his own.

"Hey now, don't blame yourself. It's not your fault you couldn't find him. I'm sure he'll turn up soon. C'mon, let's go visit Quatre."

Wufei was too tired to protest, letting the braided boy lead him upstairs to the quiet room where Heero sat vigil over the sleeping form of the broken angel on bloody, rumpled sheets. He looked up sharply when the two entered but his eyes softened minutely when he saw Duo. The braided boy gave Heero a soft smile and an encouraging nod, coming over to place a hand on his shoulder. Wufei did not notice this exchange. All his focus was on the blond boy in the middle of the bed, his head tossed to the side, hands clutching the coverlet tightly to his body, even in sleep.

"Quatre…"

Wufei bent over the pale boy and brushed a few strands of golden hair off his face, holding his breath when the fragile creature stirred and blinked open sleepy blue-green eyes.

"Mmm…Trowa?"

Wufei bit his lips, holding back the tears that threatened to fall.

"No," he said, quietly. "Not Trowa."

The eyes blinked again, and then focused.

"W-Wufei? What-"

"Shh…rest. I won't allow any harm to come to you," the boy promised, knowing that it was a promise that came too late.

But the golden child refused to be comforted. He sat up, resting his weight on his elbows as he looked searchingly into Wufei's face.

"Wufei? What happened to you? Your cheek is bruised…did you get into a fight?"

Instantly, Duo and Heero's concerned gazes shifted from Quatre to Wufei. Frowns marred both their faces and Heero's eyes narrowed with suspicion.

Wufei put a hand to the offended cheek, trying to hide it from view.

"I'm fine. It's nothing…you should go back to sleep."

"No!" Quatre leaned forward, taking Wufei's hand from his face, eager to have the focus shift from his to somebody else for a while. "You're hurt. Who hit you Wufei? Where's Trowa?"

Wufei's mouth dropped open but he made no sound, the words choking him. His heart pounded frantically in his ears and he had to fight down the panic and bile that rose in his throat.

"I…Trowa is…"

"Right here."

All eyes flew to the doorway where a thoroughly wet and out of breath Trowa leaned against the wall, his eyes locked onto the pale form on the bed.

"Trowa!" Quatre's face brightened and he held out a hand, but a second later his smile vanished and he pulled the hand back, clutching it to his chest. The silence was thick and suffocating. Duo's hand gripped Heero's so tightly that his knuckles turned white. Wufei held his breath, waiting…

One heartbeat passed.

And then two.

And then Trowa was by Quatre's side, his arms reaching out to enfold the smaller boy in a gentle hug. Tears, silvery and bright leaked from Trowa's eyes as he held the stunned boy tight, waiting for him to relax in his arms, willing to understand if the boy he held would never be able to relax in his arms.

"T-Trowa," Quatre choked out, his sobs distorting whatever else he might have wanted to say. His body was stiff and unyielding at the contact but the body close to his was familiar and warm. He knew this body. He knew Trowa. He was safe now.

All at once Quatre fell limp, his head burying itself in Trowa's already wet shirt. His hands grasped the edges of his elbows loosely, just barely holding on. Trowa murmured soothing words of comfort, rubbing his hands in a circular pattern over Quatre's back, massaging some warmth back into the cold hands that clutched feebly at him.

"I know…" he whispered into Quatre's ear. "I know what you're feeling. I've felt it too. You're not alone."

"Trowa?"

"You're not alone," he repeated, looking deeply into Quatre's eyes, dropping his mask completely for the first time, letting the boy see what he had hid, even from himself, all these years.

And Quatre sighed, letting his eyes droop shut as he leaned into his lover's embrace. There was peace here, but it was far from over. There were still uncertainties, still monsters that waited in the darkness. But at least, for a little while, the screaming in Quatre's head subsided, as Trowa's pain mingled with Quatre's to create bittersweet unity. They understood, and it was enough.