Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ By Myself ❯ One-Shot

This is a companion fic to 'Last Resort' in Heero's POV. It shows how he felt through the whole situation and how he feels when he finds out about Duo's death. And I don't consider this OOC because it's Heero's thoughts, he still keeps up the stoic facade on the outside but on the inside he is a reckless mess of teenage angst.

Warnings: Angst, POV, Lemon, Songfic

Disclaimers: Gundam Wing belongs to Bandai and all those other great people and the song 'By Myself' belongs to Linkin Park.

By Myself

By Aya

What do I do to ignore them behind me?
Do I follow my instincts blindly?
Do I hide my pride / from these bad dreams
And give in to sad thoughts that are maddening?
Do I / sit here and try to stand it?
Or do I / try to catch them red - handed?
Do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness,
Or do I trust nobody and live in loneliness?

When I first came to Romefeller High I didn't think much of it. It was just another shabby looking high school like the other shabby high school I had just transferred from. Everyone likes to make up stories as to why I transferred because no one knows the actual truth. They like to make me out to be some sexy mysterious guy just because I'm quiet and I don't tell the world about my background. One of the rumors is that I had been expelled from my old school because I had had a torrid affair with one of my young female teachers who had the body of Marilyn Monroe and the face of Peta Wilson. Oh yea and supposedly she was French. The real story is that I had had a torrid affair with my teammate on the basketball team and when we got caught bumping uglies in the locker room one day I was practically run out of the school even though I had once been the most popular guy.

In my eyes being homosexual is like being a leper. Makes me an outcast for life.

All I really wanted was to be normal. I wanted to have normal friends and get good grades and go to a good college. I didn't want everyone to hate me just because I wasn't like them. I didn't want to have to fight every day of school like I had to do in junior high. I just wanted my last two years of high school to go smoothly. On the outside I'm cold, sometimes downright mean and I tend to be stand offish, but for some reason I attract people anyway. They don't mind the attitude but they hate the sexual preference and as soon as they find out; I'm cast away like last week's cafeteria food.

I had a plan for my new school though. I would pretend to be like them. It didn't matter that I had to go out with girls just to keep up the image, it didn't matter that I couldn't really be myself. I just wanted to be considered normal. I didn't want to be friendless and alone. I didn't want to be by myself.

***

When I walked into my new homeroom I immediately noticed something. Everyone was divided into groups. What looked like the popular kids were sitting in the center of the room preening and talking on cell phones. The nerds were huddled together in the front, occasionally sneaking glances at the popular kids and a couple of would be gangsters were hanging out by the window. Then all the way in the back there was a figure dressed all in black, slumped over the desk with a hood drawn over his or her head. I also noticed with slight annoyance that one of the popular kids -A Chinese guy- was occasionally throwing paper balls at the black clad figure, not stopping when the kid didn't budge.

"Class we have a transfer student. This is Heero Yuy; he's from Connecticut. And cut off your phones before I take them away." The bored looking teacher said wearily, glaring at a blonde girl who was talking animatedly on a small pink phone. She rolled her eyes and snapped the phone closed, opening her mouth to retort. She stopped however when she saw me. A sly grin slowly spread over her features and I groaned inwardly. Already it was starting.

"You can sit in the back Mr. Yuy, next to Maxwell." The teacher gestured towards the kid in the back and his features wrinkled into a frown when he set eyes on the sleeping teen. "Maxwell wake up before I deduct another 5 points off your final grade."

"What's the point teach? He is already down to negative 50." The blonde girl piped up with an evil grin.

I raised an eyebrow at the blatant display of meanness but obediently began walking towards the back row.

"Don't sit next to that trash Hee~ro. Come over here with us." Blondey called out.

I hesitated for a moment and glanced at the boy in black. What I saw made me weak in the knees. He had looked up to glare at the girl and God he was beautiful. Large violet eyes that were framed by long lashes, delicately arched eyebrows, an adorable button nose and the most delicious full pouty lips I had ever seen.

"Shut your mouth bitch." He snarled angrily, amethyst eyes shooting fiery sparks that made him all the more sexy.

"Mr. Maxwell! Control yourself or I will send you to the dean. We do not use that language in this classroom." The teacher griped.

"Oh fuck you man. Why do I always get sent to the dean? What you need to do is put a muzzle on that bitch so no one has to hear her mouth." The violet eyed beauty snorted.

"Why you little... nobody!" The blonde shrieked in outrage.

"Duo Maxwell! Get up right now and go to the dean."

I watched in fascination as the willowy boy stood up gracefully and sauntered to the front of the room. His eyes met mine as he passed and I could have sworn he gave me a full body once over. Although I took what would become my permanent place at Relena's side, I watched until the gorgeous creature was gone.

That's how I met Duo Maxwell and that's when I started to fall in love. It was the worse thing that could ever happen to the both of us.

Because I can't hold on / when I'm stretched so thin
I make the right moves but I'm lost within
I put on my daily facade but then
I just end up getting hurt again
By myself [myself]
I ask why, but in my mind
I find I can't rely on myself

For the next year I pretended to be one of them. After all if I was straight I really could be one of them. For the next year I slowly became the thing I used to hate.. the same thing that destroyed me in my previous school. I pretended to be a spoiled selfish brat, I made the kids who were not in our group feel inferior, and I became Duo's worse enemy. I learned that they hated him but I didn't know why. He was unpopular and unliked. He was an outcast. He was everything I wanted to have and never wanted to be. I spent a year dreaming about sparkling violet eyes while masturbating at night. I spent a year laughing at the cruel taunts they threw at him and screwing Relena into the expensive leather seats of my Porsche just so I could keep up appearances. I spent that whole year completely miserable, admiring from afar, too afraid to approach, lying to myself and lying to everyone else. In my eyes that year was like being in prison. Trapped in my own personal hell with Relena and the others jangling the keys to my cell. By the beginning of my senior year I was so disgusted with myself and with this whole sick game that I was quiet all the time. I barely made conversation even with my "friends." Everyone just added it to my mysteriousness and thought of me as even cooler.

It didn't take me long to realize that I was obsessed with the poor guy. And that obsession led me to hate his little friend. Quatre Winner. I was so jealous that he always got to be with Duo and that he was the only one the longhaired boy ever laughed with. I was so jealous that it was him who slept over Duo's house and that it was him who Duo trusted. I was so jealous that every time that blond little twerp approached me I would treat him like dirt. He assumed it was because he was Duo's friend that I didn't like him and what was said made me almost insane with rage.

We were sitting in the cafeteria; I was at the usual table occasionally stealing glances at where Duo sat across the room. Out of nowhere Quatre approaches with some lame excuse.

"Hey Heero, do you have yesterdays Physics notes?" He asked in that annoyingly sweet voice.

"Not for you I don't." I all but snarled, smirking cruelly at the surprised and hurt look on his face.

"I.. I.. " He stammered, that pale face flushing pink.

Relena smiled and leaned forward rose colored sunglasses resting on the bridge of her nose. "You know Quatre, if you kept better company it would be a lot easier for you to be accepted into our group."

He stared at her for a moment and then his cornflower blue eyes narrowed in understanding. I was really hoping that the gutless bitch would stand up for Duo like I wish I could have. I wish he would tell Relena where to go and where to shove it, because Duo was his friend and a better person then she could ever be. Instead the little shit said:

"Well you know Duo and I aren't that good of friends and we won't be forever. Things change."

I didn't wait to hear Relena's response. I was so furious that this little bastard would sell Duo out so quickly that I stormed away from the table. He didn't know how lucky he was to have Duo's friendship, he didn't know how badly I wanted to be in his shoes and he was just throwing it all away. It was enough to make me sick.

I can't hold on
To what I want when I'm stretched so thin
It's all too much to take in
I cant hold on
To anything watching everything spin
With thoughts of failure sinking in

My "friends" were all piled in my car, deciding what kind of munchies we wanted to get before we drove off to the beach. I was actually dreading it because I know that Relena and the others would be getting wasted and I would be expected to do the same. Unlike them I am not fond of drugs, I don't see the point in them. I was sitting silently, only half listening to them talk when I saw him making his way down the street. He was so out of place in this neighborhood, it was painfully obvious that he didn't belong. Relena was the first to start up on him as he passed and pretty soon the others had started with their usual insults too. I grit my teeth in annoyance and kept my eyes trained on him as he walked by uncaringly, entering the store.

"Could you guys please shut the fuck up and decide what you want. I don't have all day." I growled angrily.

They wrote that off as me being typically grouchy, not realizing that it was annoyance at their callousness towards the object of my every masturbatory fantasy and gushy love dream. Whatever they took it as it made them decide quicker and I hopped out of the car, walking into the store and smiling to myself as I eyed Duo's firm backside as he bantered back and forth with Howard; the store owner.

"Pay first." Howard was saying, eyeing the black clad teen warily.

Duo glared at him. "Hey what are you trying to pull man? I got the cash - just chill the fuck out and gimme my stuff."

Howard leaned forward and narrowed his eyes. "You were going to steal it weren't you, you little thief."

Duo's eyes widened. "Hey screw you man! I don't have to take this stuff from you! You just lost yourself a good customer with these lousy accusations." He said indignantly.

The older man snorted and adjusted his Hawaiian print shirt. "If you're such a good customer where the hell is the money?"

I quickly stepped behind Duo, not wanting him to get in any trouble even if he had been trying to steal. "It's all right Howard, I got it." I informed the funky looking man. Howard gave me a strange look but took the money out of my out stretched palm.

Duo spun around and fixed me with a heated glare. Sometimes I wonder if he knows how sexy he looks when he is mad and sometimes I am so tempted to tell him. "I can pay myself." He snapped at me angrily. I raised both eyebrows at him, surprised at the contempt in his voice. I snorted skeptically but instantly regretted it when his eyes narrowed dangerously. The last thing I wanted to do was get him even angrier with me.

A few moments past and when he started to walk out of the store I grabbed his arm in desperation. This was the first time I ever actually spoke to him myself and I would be damned if I let him just walk out while he was angry with me. We exchanged a few words and he actually looked as though he was loosening up when she ruined it. It never ceases to amaze me how one blonde bitch can make everyone so miserable. She spat out a few scornful words, which didn't really seem to phase him, but the look that he gave me made my heart sink. He was probably thinking the worst of me now, probably thought me trying to be nice to him had been a trick. God it wasn't, I wanted to tell him so badly. I wanted to touch him so badly. When he took off down the street I was so angry with Relena and the others that I kicked them all out of my car and drove off. I wound up at the beach and jerked off for an hour, imagining that it was him who was touching me.

***

If I
Turn my back I'm defenseless
And to go blindly seems senseless
If I hide my pride and let it all go on / then they'll
Take from me 'till everything is gone

The next day was full of surprises. Pleasant surprises.

Winner's little outburst at lunch really made my year. Duo was gay! Yes! With out even really thinking about it, I jumped up and practically ran out of the cafeteria behind him, not really caring about what the others thought. All that mattered at the moment was me and Duo and the slim chance that there could actually be a me and Duo. I found him on the roof, long legs dangling over the edge. At first I had the horrible suspicion that he would jump. We spoke for a while and he actually opened up to me. I told him my dirty little secret and the look of shock in his eyes was almost comical. When I first kissed him.. God I actually saw those sparks and fire works that they talk about in movies. I had never felt so good in my life. And it was all because of him.

**

Later that night when we met at Oz Memorial, I kissed him, touched him and told him everything I had been feeling since the first time I saw him. It was like a dream come true.

"You're so beautiful Duo." I murmured against his ear.

He pulled away abruptly and looked off in to the trees. He had a haunted look in those beautiful violet eyes. I would have done anything to make it go away.

"What's wrong?"

He frowned. "Look let's cut the bullshit. I know what you want so let's just do it already."

I raised an eyebrow. "What is it that you think I want?"

"To fuck." He said bluntly, digging around in his pocket for another cigarette.

I was lost for a moment, words were never my strong suit and I find that my feelings are expressed much easier when I wrote it down on paper. However I had no time for letters now. "I.. That's not all I want from you."

"Oh really." He raised a skeptical brow and snorted. "What do you want my *love*?" Duo spat out the word as if it were poison.

"Maybe." I said simply and I meant it.

His wide amethyst eyes widened and he gazed up at me for several long moments. He looked as if he wanted to say something more but instead he opted for kissing me hungrily, burying those long slender fingers in my hair. I could have died happy just kissing those honey sweet lips, but the knowing way he ground his hips against mine nearly drove me insane. I panted against his mouth, clutching his slender hips and driving harder against his jean clad erection, pressing him into the tree. My lips traveled down his neck, sucking at the soft spot I discovered near his throat. Soft sounds of pleasure escaped his mouth and I really couldn't control myself anymore. Without even thinking about it I pulled him down to the grass with me, trembling fingers unbuttoning his jeans hurriedly. I kept thinking that he would do something to object, tell me to get away from him and leave.. But he never did. Instead he ripped my clothes off eagerly and wrapped his slender thighs around my waist. I was so afraid of hurting him as the head of my arousal pressed against his tight virgin opening, I knew it would be painful because we had no lube and I was terrified that I would cause him pain. That was the last thing in the world I wanted. When my entire length was sheathed inside him, I saw the way his eyes watered in pain and I kissed the tears away softly. "It'll get better." I gasped out, trying with all my might to not just drive into his sweet body. He nodded and gave me a crooked little smile. We stayed that way for another moment before we began moving against each other. I thrust into him feverishly, panting and muttering four letter words the whole time. His sweet cries and pleas spiraled into screams of bliss; and he leaned up to lap at my lips as our bodies slammed together. When I came deep inside him I tried to tell him how much I loved him, but the only sound I was able to project was a loud cry of pleasure.

Afterwards when we collapsed together on the soft ground, I murmured in his ear that I would never let him go. That he was mine. He gazed up at me silently, violet eyes searching my face to see if I was being honest with him. I guess he found what he was looking for because he curled up in my arms trustingly. God I felt so complete.

**

The days passed and turned into weeks and before I knew it they had turned into months. Of course Duo and I had to keep our relationship a secret because the others just wouldn't understand. I couldn't risk anyone finding out about me, because my parents had made it perfectly clear that if I was ever caught in another "disgraceful situation" again, I would be disowned. I wanted Duo, but I knew that if my parents found out, I could never be truly happy. I loved Duo, but love wasn't enough for me. I needed a life too. And I couldn't risk losing everything, even for him. So we kept it a secret. He didn't seem to mind anyway, he even teased me about it playfully. He didn't know that his words cut deep and I didn't ever tell him. He put up with a lot and I loved him even more for it. I was starting to think that things were finally ok when the unexpected happened. But I guess it was inevitable.. Someone was bound to find out sooner or later.

**

If I let them go I'll be outdone
But if I try to catch them I'll be outrun
If I'm killed by the questions like a cancer
Then I'll be buried in the silence of the answer
[by myself]

"Oh.. oh fuck!" Duo cried out as his cock slammed into my body harshly.

My head snapped back, mouth gaping open as I clutched at his shoulders and waist, trying to find something to hold onto. My legs were spread open indecently and he was nestled between my thighs, fucking me hard and fast. This was one of those times where we had been so impatient that we hadn't thought to use lubricant, so when I cried out; it was from pleasure and pain. But damn it was like the pain made it better, more exciting. Every time his searing length drove into me, the tip slammed against my prostate hard and it made me see stars. I was wailing desperately, incoherent sounds escaping my throat as I practically sobbed, trying to beg him for more. Tears had leaked from the corners of my eyes; that's how intense our joining was.

I had just been about to wrap my thighs around him when suddenly he was yanking out of me and running hurriedly for the back door, pulling on his clothes as he did so. It was so unexpected and I was so unsatisfied that I curled up into a ball, shaking and shivering. It was almost a physical pain.. Having that kind of pleasure taken away so abruptly. Before I could even figure out what happened, I felt a hand touching my bare shoulder. I looked up; expecting to see his gorgeous violet orbs but instead to my shock and horror I saw slanted obsidian eyes.

"H..Heero?" Wufei's voice was hoarse, his eyebrows knotted in confusion.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Trowa and Quatre standing off to the side; staring at me wide eyed. I knew the fear and embarrassment must have been plain on my face, so I buried my face in my arms and began to shiver violently. //Oh god no.. no.. fuck.. Why does this have to happen? fuck!// I thought that any minute they would be insulting me, cursing me and maybe even hitting me. But instead..

"That motherfucker raped you!"

I froze in shock. How could they think I had been raped? Had they not seen the way I grasped him and ground up to meet his thrusts? Had they not seen the desperate way we had kissed? Were they so blind that they would twist what had been so blatantly obvious into something horrible and ugly?

"Oh god Heero! I'm so sorry!" Quatre cried. He looked genuinely shocked, his wide eyes quickly running over my body to see if Duo had "hurt" me. When his eyes stopped at my thighs, I didn't even have to look to see what he found so fascinating. There was blood streaked down the inside of my thighs, it probably looked like more than it was because mingled with my sweat it had smeared all over the place.

"I'm going to kill him." Wufei snarled furiously.

I opened my mouth to object, to tell the truth. To tell them Duo was innocent and that I was the longhaired boy's lover. That I loved him and needed him. But no sound came out. I had all of these feelings inside of me and I was disgusted with myself. I was relieved that they hadn't suspected the truth, even though that meant they would form a lynch mob to get at Duo. I was relieved that I wasn't the one they were snarling about and that now my parents would never find out. I was so relieved that I stayed silent and let them believe what they want. I hated myself for it. I wanted to die.

**

How do you think / I've lost so much
I'm so afraid / I'm out of touch
How do you expect / I will know what to do
When all I know / Is what you tell me to

I heard them making their plan to punish Duo for the crime he did not commit. I heard them making him out to be an evil rapist and I didn't say a word. They figured I was in shock after my "attack" and let me alone. The only time I spoke is when I choked out that I would help them with their plan, and agreed to write a note to Duo, telling him to meet me at the park.

Now here I stand in the shadows, watching as they fling accusations at the poor confused boy. I watched as they pushed him around and surrounded him. I see how his eyes widen in horror at being accused of raping me.

"I swear to God I didn't do anything." He sobbed. "Just ask Heero, he'll tell you.."

I approached on shaky legs, feeling as though I would be sick any minute. I blinked back the tears that threatened to spill from my eyes and schooled my features into an expressionless mask. "I already told them." Duo's head whipped around and he stared at me wide eyed. "I told them what you did to me." I whispered, the lie scalding my throat.

"I never thought you would do it too Heero." He whispered.

I couldn't stand to see the betrayed look in his eyes so I turned my head quickly before anyone could see the tears. I bit my lip to keep from sobbing out loud as I heard his hysterical laughter, and the hard packing sounds of the other teenagers beating the life out of him. It seemed like an eternity but soon they were shoving me in front of him and urging me to get my revenge. I stared at him wide eyed. He didn't even look like my Duo anymore. This wasn't the same laughing beauty that I had kissed and made love with. The boy in front of me was disfigured, bloody and insane as he continued to laugh. When he told me to kill him.. I think I went insane myself. I beat him and hit him as I sobbed hysterically. I pounded him with my fists, wanting to block out the way he had looked at me and the way I had fallen in love with him.

When the others ran off, I collapsed to my knees and cried miserably. "I'm so sorry." I whispered. "I.. they saw.. And I.. I couldn't tell the truth... oh God I'm so sorry." I sobbed. "I never meant for.. I never wanted you to.. I.. love you so much and.. please.. just.. I.." My words trailed off as my sobs turned into loud anguished wails. I clutched his limp fingers to my face and frantically wiped the blood from his face. It was hopeless, my Duo was gone. I ran from the clearing, not even sure if he was still alive.

I ran home and threw up violently, as I collapsed limply in the bathroom. I stayed there and wept for hours, not capable of doing anything else. As I drifted off into a miserable nightmare ridden sleep, I found myself wishing I would die but not having the courage to take my own life.

**

I knew before anyone told me that Duo was dead, but the only difference is that I thought I had been the one to kill him. My parents forced me to go to school the next day even though I was a wreck. Dragging myself into the class, I avoided everyone's eyes and collapsed in the back; trying not to look at Duo's vacant desk. I couldn't cry anymore; I think I had used all of my tears up the day before. I was dead inside.

I kept hoping that he would come walking through the door with a defiant grin on his face, but I knew deep down that it wouldn't happen.

"I have an announcement to make."

I looked up blearily as Mr. Khushrenada looked at each of us somberly. "Duo Maxwell killed himself last night."

I felt like I had been stabbed in the heart. Again.

Quatre shifted uneasily and shot the others a look. "H..How do you know he killed himself?"

The ginger haired teacher sighed and sat at his desk. He looked genuinely sad. "His parents found him in the bathroom. He had slit his wrists. It's in the newspaper if you want to read more."

He killed himself. He hadn't died in the clearing.. He had killed himself. Somehow.. That struck me deeper than the idea of me killing him had. It meant that in those last few hours.. He had wanted to die and it was my fault. Everything was my fault. I was foolish and selfish and heartless. I should be dead. I should have been the one to slit my wrists.

"Oh well. One less fag in the world."

Before I even knew what I was doing, I was up and charging Relena. My fist was slamming into her plastic pretty face and crunching against her jaw. I was pounding her just as I had done to Duo, and when the others tried to pull me back I took them on too. "You idiots! You killed him! I killed him! I hate you!" I shrieked hysterically.

It took five security guards to restrain me and even then I was kicking and screaming. As they hauled me away I continued to howl, screaming incoherent things and trying to pull away. Finally they gave up and just dropped me on the hard tile floors. A crowd of shocked students and teachers formed around me.

"I loved him.. I loved him so much and you made me kill him. It was all a lie!" I screamed at them. I saw Wufei, Trowa and Quatre staring wide eyed at me. Relena who was nursing a bloody nose stared at me in disgust.

I must have looked insane like that. My eyes all blood shot, pale and trembling.. Relena's blood splattered across my face and shirt. But I didn't care because it didn't matter anymore. Before anyone could stop me, I turned and ran.. Now wanting to see the revulsion that was bound to be on their faces.

I ran from their ignorance, not caring about my parents, my future or my fucking trust fund. I stumbled out of the building, running away from everything... trying to outrun the memories that were coming at me full force.

*FLASH*

"Oh fuck you man. Why do I always get sent to the dean? What you need to do is put a muzzle on that bitch so no one has to hear her mouth." The violet eyed beauty snorted.

"Why you little... nobody!" The blonde shrieked in outrage.

"Duo Maxwell! Get up right now and go to the dean."

I watched in fascination as the willowy boy stood up gracefully and sauntered to the front of the room. His eyes met mine as he passed and I could have sworn he gave me a full body once over. Although I took what would become my permanent place at Relena's side, I watched until the gorgeous creature was gone.

*FLASH*

I quickly stepped behind Duo, not wanting him to get in any trouble even if he had been trying to steal. "It's all right Howard, I got it." I informed the funky looking man. Howard gave me a strange look but took the money out of my out stretched palm.

Duo spun around and fixed me with a heated glare. Sometimes I wonder if he knows how sexy he looks when he is mad and sometimes I am so tempted to tell him. "I can pay myself." He snapped at me angrily. I raised both eyebrows at him, surprised at the contempt in his voice. I snorted skeptically but instantly regretted it when his eyes narrowed dangerously. The last thing I wanted to do was get him even angrier with me.

*FLASH*

"Oh really." He raised a skeptical brow and snorted. "What do you want my *love*?" Duo spat out the word as if it were poison.

"Maybe." I said simply and I meant it.

His wide amethyst eyes widened and he gazed up at me for several long moments. He looked as if he wanted to say something more but instead he opted for kissing me hungrily, burying those long slender fingers in my hair.

*FLASH*

"Hey Heero do you know how to do the meringue?"

I snorted and gave him a look. "Does it look like I know how to do the meringue?"

Duo smiled at me fondly and ruffled my hair. "It's okay Heero, I know you're a square."

I mock growled and tackled him to the ground. "I'll show you square." Then I began tickling him unrelentingly, enjoying the sound of his tinkling laugh.

*FLASH*

"I already told them." Duo's head whipped around and he stared at me wide eyed. "I told them what you did to me." I whispered, the lie scalding my throat.

"I never thought you would do it too Heero." He whispered.

*FLASH*

Sparkling violet eyes.

*FLASH*

Duo's bloody disfigured body.

*FLASH*

I screamed as I ran, my mind spinning like a whirlpool. I don't even know where I was running, but one thing was certain. I was truly by myself.

Don't you know
I can't tell you how to make it go
No matter what I do, how hard I try
I can't seem to convince myself why
I'm stuck on the outside

~Owari~

AN - There will be no sequel to this. Well I don't think so anyway. Just imagine that Heero went nuts and is living happily in a mental hospital.